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Q&A 5



My wife wants an open marriage. I'm all for it. It's the first time in years we have agreed on anything! But we're not sure how you start swinging, or who you swing with. Any suggestions?

Anything I could say would pale to what the Internet will have for you. It will tell you all, hook you up, and broadcast it live if you like. Get online and explore, surf, communicate, contact. You'll find what you're looking for - be it information, partners or more. It's all there.

As a screenwriter, did you have a hard time breaking into the biz?

It wasn't hard and it wasn't easy. It was something else entirely. If it's what you want to do, then do it. Everybody has their own way in. Find yours.

I'm pretty happy with my life, though there are certain things I would change. Would you say that I must be doing something right?

I would say look to all the things right in your life, examine why they work for you, examine your attitudes and beliefs about those things, and then apply that same technique to what isn't going right in your life. You know how to do this. Change is the goal here. Positive, beneficial, self-directed change.

My mother was right! I was so mortified. It was laundry day and I was wearing a pair of old, ripped panties on my way to the laundromat when I got in a stupid accident and was taken to the hospital. They removed my clothes and I was just mortified to be wearing those ratty panties. Believe me, it hurt more than my injuries. I just wanted to die.

Honey, lots of things in life will give you trauma, this doesn't have to one of them. Not to minimize your mortification, but doctors, nurses, EMTs, they've seen it all before. Please, take a deep breath, throw out all your old, ripped panties so that it never happens again, and move on.

How much HTML do you need to know to start a website?

As with money and love, the more the better. However, this isn't to say you can't do a website knowing little to none, because you can.

Is today going to be a good day?

Oh man, is it ever. Today is the day.

I like your style and your wit. You seem casual and comfortable but you can also be cranky (KeithRants). I have anger problems myself so I can identify with that. How laid back are you really?

I'm pretty casual. My blood can boil, but it doesn't last long (of course, if you ask Susan she's liable to contradict that). Anger is fine, and best expressed, but it's an emotion that is well suited as a catalyst for discovering WHY you're angry. What's all this really about? Is it really the slow driver in front of you that is making you crazy? Or is it something else in your life that is happening slowly, not moving, stagnating, causing fits of rage and starts of bad behaviors... Nothing is ever what it appears to be (on the surface). There is always stuff above and below it. There are always motivations and intentions behind them, consequences in front of them. Being angry for a long time sucks. It benefits no one.

My boyfriend is really fussy. It's kind of weird. He's not a mama's boy, but he does dainty, tidy things that are just plain weird. What's up with that?

Upbringing? Genetics? Predisposition to the minutia of life? Here's a question for you: What is it about this that bothers you? Does he embarrass you doing these things? Are you afraid it will escalate? So it's weird, so what? WHY is it weird to you? Why is this pushing your button? Why do you have a button for this in the first place? These are your issues. See, if you can find out what this means to you, you will find a way to make it cease to be an issue to you.

My brother is in love with Britney Spears. He has all her junk, and he hides it, but I found it. Will you tell him that she is nothing but a marketing tool with fake boobs and to give it up? By the way, he's 34, years old.

Oh no, I'm not getting into another Britney Spears thing. 34? Yikes.

My husband cheated on me. When I found out, I cheated on him. We both got turned on by it and now we are into swinging. Our sex life is fantastic. I just wanted you and the other readers to know there can be happy endings in what seems like the worst of times.

Thank you.

Do you consider yourself New Age?

Not really. I think of myself as myself. I'm my own genre.

I caught my girlfriend kissing another girl at a rave party. I thought it was kind of cool till she dumped me for her. Now I feel like that loser Schwimmer on Friends, the one who drove his wife to turn lesbian. Except now that's me. How do I stop feeling this way?

Like a loser? Like a cast member of a sitcom? Feeling what way? What am I missing here? Wait a minute...you think you drove your ex-girlfriend into the arms of another woman because, what, you're inadequate sexually? Is that the leap you've taken? She went from you to her, so you must be responsible? Sheesh. Forget it, pal. Don't give yourself so much credit. Want to prove it? Find another girl, have sex with other girl, see if she turns gay. If she does, you're right, I'm wrong. However, if she doesn't "turn lesbian", your theory is groundless and I suggest you move on with your life. Perhaps even with the girl you just had sex with. The one who didn't turn gay. It's just a thought.

I don't care what anybody says, Sex and the City is a stupid show about stupid, horny, overaged women and Sarah Jessica Parker looks and dresses like a hooker. I don't understand her and Matthew Broderick being married. He is so straight and she is such a tart. I forbid my daughters to watch the show so they don't see a role model slut. Thank you.

Maybe I'm just super slow on the uptake today, but what is going on? These questions, it's like tell Keith what you hate about your favorite sitcom day or something. Ok, I'm looking at one more.

I play golf six days a week. I retired at 48 by quitting the brokerage, selling out my entire portfolio, taking the huge tax hit, and walking away with cash. Literally. Lots and lots of it. My wife and I can easily live out the rest of our lives. I built a vault in my house that is as secure as any bank, and in it is cash. All cash. All the financial crap that floats around the world every day has nothing to do with my life anymore. I can't express how happy I am about that, or how I recognize it as the biggest stressor in my life previously. Now I am one happy fellow. Just like you.

We are two happy men. Let us rejoice.

I agree with your A.I. review. I too saw it and was bored silly. I'm pretty tired of Spielberg's "inner child" movies. I was wondering, what do you really think of Hollywood?

Too much money, too many egos, too much crap product.

But don't you work in the industry?

Probably not any more.

How do I convince myself that I can win the lottery? I try and meditate but I find it difficult to shut out all that chatter going on in my head and I can't seem to get to that "stillness" in my mind where everything is crystal clear; also when I start to visualize my winning moment I feel as if I'm just kidding myself. I find this not just with the lottery but with anything that is hard to believe. I know I need to change my beliefs but how do I do that?

You do it by finding out what you DO believe in. It's two sides of the same coin. One can focus on why something isn't happening - or one can focus on exactly what IS happening.

So, if you can't believe that you are going to win the lottery, come to grips with the fact that this is what you believe in - and that this is exactly what is happening. You're giving yourself mixed messages (I'll play, but I don't believe I'm really going to win). Why do you believe that? (for example: you believe instead that the odds are too high; or you've never been a winner at anything; or whatever it is for you - and it is something that reinforces the belief that you won't win), and then either keep these anti-winning attitudes and beliefs (in which case you should stop playing the lottery and save your money), or start to believe something else. How do you believe something else? By finding out what you DO believe in, and why you believe in it. Then, if it no longer holds true for you, change it to whatever else is (true for you). Start small. Win 10 bucks instead of 10 million. Build up new confidence. Observe your patterns and reinforce the new beliefs. Eventually you'll come to believe that anything is possible. Even winning the lottery.

My wife wants to paint the living room pink. Yes, she's a Mary Kay. I don't want a pink living room. I don't want to start a big fight about this either. Is there a way to do it another color without a big fight?

Good god, man, tell your wife that pink is not acceptable. If you both live in the same house, then it has to be acceptable to both. The two of you then discuss what is acceptable, make your compromises, and be done with it.

My computer got a virus. It has caused me so much problem to fix and so much frustration and of course money that I think I am going to explode. Can I sue the idiot who wrote the virus?

I have no idea. But I can sympathize with your pain. It's kinda similar to road rage, isn't it. You just wanna kill.

What is nirvana like?

That's a good question because it's so incredible that those achieving it cannot even talk about it. It is beyond words. So I don't know. But I bet it's good. Very very very good.

I have been taking naps at work. I hide in a broom closet which I can lock from the inside and I sleep for about 25 minutes, usually about 2:00. My problem is exiting the closet, I never know if anyone is in the hallway. I am afraid I will run into my boss with that I-just-woke-up look. How can I see if anyone is coming first?

I don't think you can without going high tech (webcams, laptop, etc). Why don't you just take a mirror and comb in with you and make yourself presentable when you leave?

So you're saying it is ok to nap at work?

I'm saying it's ok to nap. Napping is good. Where you do it is up to you.

Do you think there are like fish highways under the oceans?

Yes? No? I'm kinda neutral on this one.
Why has your site been online one day and then offline for like three, and then on again and off again? It's been doing this for weeks.

Yes, I apologize, my ISP host servers have been quite unreliable of late. They have been going through lots of changes on their own and there have been lots of technical problems. All I can say is if you find the site offline, please revisit, we have no intentions of not being here. Hopefully they will fortify their servers and soon, everyone will be happy again.

This is my first home. My gutters leak! Help, what do I do?

Fix them. Before the next rain. Yellow Pages. Gutters. Call one.

My father has flipped out. He wants to quit his job at a steel foundry to go to clown school. I kid you not. Is he out of his mind or what?

Hey, it could have been mime school. Ok, here's what you do. Wish him well. Go and laugh. Praise him for following his dream. Hope you get fortunate enough to follow yours...whatever that may be...no matter how silly it may seem to others.

Good answer on the clown question. So tell me, how do you remember if you have already answered a question before in an earlier Q&A?

I don't always. I have probably answered the same question multiple times, and may well have given different answers too. Contradicting answers! Sure, I've probably done that. Oh well.

If you had three wishes, what would they be?

My first wish would be for an unlimited number of wishes. Then the rest, one at a time.

My girlfriend is a sexual animal. She never gets enough. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. But I'm tired. Will she start to cheat on me if I can't supply her demand for sex?

I suppose that's a possibility. Have you reconciled the fact that you may not be enough man for her? Can you live with that? Can she?

I can't believe you published my question! It was so amazing to see my question on the Internet! By the way, I took your advice and so far so good.

Let's keep our fingers crossed, eh?

My daughter is learning to drive but her driving instructor is telling her all the wrong things. I know this because when we practice and I tell her to do something, she won't do it and says it's because the instructor told her not to. I'm a great driver and I think I know what's best. How can I get through to her?

Good grief, dad. You're dragging your ego around like it's a feather boa. Stop being such a queen. Leave your daughter alone. In her mind, things are clear - she is taking instruction from the instructor. Not you. So when you practice driving with your daughter, praise her. That's all you have to do. The rest is your ego.

Amendment: Unless she does something really wrong and crashes the car, then you should have said something, or wrested the wheel away from her, or screamed at the top of your lungs, "WE'RE GOING TO CRASH!!!" It's a fine line. Use your instincts. Ok?

I am writing this from a beach in Spain. The sun is shining beautifully, my husband and I are nude, the water is warm and blue. We have nowhere to go but here. There is no time and I feel as if I'm floating. I'm writing to ask if this lovely and relaxed state of mind that we are in here now, is what you have talked about experiencing in your life as well. And if this is a goal worthy of pursuit (though I think I know the answer to that - YES.) Please answer.

One's life is full of rhythm. Rhythm implies fluidity. Sounds like you have found the flow. Being within that is something special and completely enjoyable. Can you live your whole life from this state? I don't know, but you can live in the moment, as you are, and that moment can be a lifetime, as you have discovered.

My wife is a homemaker but is talking about going back to work. I hate the thought of her doing that. I want her to stay home. Is there a compromise?

Why does she want to do it (to make money?; have more social contact?; gain self-esteem? acquire new knowledge or skills?; as an antidote to boredom?; etc.), and why do you not want her to do it (your ego?; afraid she will make more money?; meet another guy?; not have a warm dinner for you when you get home?; etc.)? There's also telecommuting to think about, but this may not address her needs or yours. So discuss it openly and seriously with her. Don't be reactionary. Work together to discover what this is all about for each of you and then mutually find a happy medium.

In December of this year I am getting married. Money is already an issue between my future husband and myself. Basically, I have it, he doesn't. He's bragged to his mates about bagging a rich wife. I'm starting to think that maybe I've found a golddigger. Should I call the wedding off?

Do you love him? I ask that because if you fear that he just wants to marry you for your money, then you are in a little box from which there is no way out...unless you cease to be rich...or he becomes wealthy too. Hmm, so I suppose you could give him some money before you marry him, and if he stays for you, then it's not the money...but if he leaves, now a rich man, then it was the money and though you lost a potential husband and some shekels, better to find out now rather than later. I dunno. That seem screwy?

What do you do when you get a bad book review? I would hate to have people not like me.

A book review is simply someone's personal opinion. It is true and valid feedback from a single individual. If someone doesn't like something I do, and I do like what I have done, then I don't see that as a problem for me.

Wifey is fat. I notice that I too am gaining the weight. Could it be genetic?

Could what be genetic? Your overeating? I doubt it. You can't get fat unless you put huge quantities of food into your body. So why are you doing that? You must understand why you are eating so much to understand how to stop it.

Will your technique to win the lottery also help me lose weight?

Yes. It works with any goal you set.

I think French Canadian women are the sexiest woman in North America. I'm from Texas, and though we have some real beauties down here, our gals can't compare to Quebec. Those Montreal women were hot!

And you're telling me this because...
Quebec! You should see the women in Saskatchewan!
On behalf of all Canadians, thank you for ogling our women.
Ok, I'm done.

I added up all the times in the last six months when I have cheated on either my diet or my husband and could come up with over a dozen for each. The weird thing is I only feel guilty about the diet ones. Am I normal?

Normal? What does that have to do with anything? Recognizing your behaviors is the beginning to changing your behaviors. It sounds like you are involved in that process and I wish you the best in resolving your personal issues.

I live in California and I'm terribly worried about earthquakes. The damage they can do and their total unpredictability truly scares me. My girlfriend and her mother (she lives with us), don't want to move. I don't want to lose my girl, but I'm afraid to stay here. It's impairing my life. Do you have any suggestions about my situation?

Move. Your fears are the kind that overshadow all that you do in that environment. There are modalities of therapy that can help you deal with or eliminate these behaviors, but to be frank, I would suggest you quit crippling yourself to accommodate your girlfriend and give yourself some peace of mind. The quickest, easiest way to do that is to move. With or without her.

I had sex with my father-in-law. I am 24, he is 67. I can't explain it, it just happened. I have no desire to repeat the experience, but it was mind blowing at the time. Do I tell my husband (his son?)

Hmm, if you don't say anything and he finds out, could be bad. However, if you do kiss and tell, it might be worse. Lessee, bad or worse? Your call, dear.

Mike Myers is Canadian. Do you know him?

Of course, we're best buds! Hey, you probably didn't know this - originally I was supposed to star in all the movies he’s made, but just before shooting I got a bad case of the hiccups and my best buddy Mike graciously agreed to step in on a moment's notice for me. I thought he did a great job! And you know what? If Mike Myers had gotten sick or something, like if he ate some bad clams or something, we had Michael J. Fox waiting in the wings to replace him! Us Canadians, we stick together.

Do you think this is really a New Age of enlightenment?

Yes and no. See, the Romans thought they were modern too. And the Egyptians thought they were the cat's meow. And the Mayans and the Atlanteans and... All things are relative. Our current moment is the most important because we are occupying that moment. So we think we're novel, and modern, and advanced beyond anything that came before us. But who really knows if that's true? Can you explain the Pyramids?

I'm 6'6" tall and my girlfriend is 4'8". Our friends have taken to calling us Mutt and Jeff because of the size disparity. The thing is, we really do look funny together. It's starting to make me look around at taller women. Is this size thing a good enough reason to break up over?

You are talking about the outer person. Most good relationships are based on the inner person. I suggest you try and separate the two for yourself and take a good look at who she is inside. Is that who you want to be with?

My dog bit my neighbour who was tormenting it. Now my neighbour wants me to put my dog to sleep and the police are agreeing with her! I can't bear the thought of doing that! I'm thinking of moving away from here to escape the death sentence on my beloved pet. Should I do it?

If you have a neighbor who torments your dog, then yes, you and your pet should get away from that sickness. If you are willing to move, then I would suggest moving.

We just had twins and they are running my wife and I ragged. My boss told me I'm looking tired and my clients are starting to complain that they're taking a back seat to the kids. As much as I'm loathe to admit it, everyone is right. I'm getting no sleep and I don't know how to have this home situation not impair my work situation. Any suggestions?

Can you work flex-time?
Can you telecommute with your job?
Can you take some vacation time to catch up on your sleep?
Can you afford a nanny?
Do you have any relatives who can help out in the short term?
In your temperament, are you more Canadian or American?

Both. I can be brash (American) AND polite (Canadian).

Meditation is a waste of time. Looking inward is stupid because there's nothing there. The whole world is happening outside of you. So get a clue!

Should I even bother to continue thinking? That comes from inside my head too.

Outwardly I'm shy, but inwardly I have these perverted sexual fantasies. I could never do what I imagine, but I sure do enjoy imagining it. Do you think this is maybe a conflict for me?

It doesn't sound from your letter like it is.

I have a problem. I got a vasectomy years ago but I never told my wife. I got it so I could screw around and not worry about getting other women pregnant (and having to pay child support which I can't afford). Now my wife wants to have another baby. Uh-oh. What should I do?

Uh-oh, I think you know.

In Write About Dogs, did you lay the book out (outline the chapters) before you started writing? If you did, is that the best way to write a novel as complex as that; if not, how did you know where you were going?

I never lay anything out. I start (usually with a vague idea) and begin writing. I don't know where I'm going with it when I do. The book or script or article reveals itself as I create it. This style of working results in many rewrites, but I get stuff that I could have never planned for. There is no "right" way to write a book (regardless of what you may have been taught); whatever works for you, is right for you.

My neighbour is gay and has handsome men over all the time. I'm intrigued if you know what I mean. Should I?

Should you what? What are you talking about?

You know, should I do it?

Do what? Sleep with your neighbor? Steal his boyfriends? Watch them together? What?

I was thinking, it's humorous, you don't even know if I'm a man or a woman, do you?

(Tiring rapidly, he sighs), Gee, you got me there.

Well I'm a man who is married but I want to, you know, maybe try the lifestyle.


Well, should I?!

Well, what did your wife say when you told her you were thinking of trying on a gay/bisexual lifestyle?

I got my girlfriend a massage for her birthday present and she ended up screwing the masseuse! We broke up over it! I'm just writing to warn everybody of the dangers of pampering someone. It can go too far! Thank you.

No, thank you.

My dog is smarter than my husband. I'm not kidding. I have this behind-my-husband's-back relationship with the dog. We snicker about him together. But I'm bored. I'm the exact kind of housewife that goes postal.

You know, the beginning was kind of cute, but the ending was kind of alarming. What can I say? For the sake of the dog, don't go postal. Ok?

I am 66 and I would make love to Julio Iglesias in a heartbeat!

Ah, but would Julio love you back?

My brother and I are starting our own roofing company. Do you have any advice?

Play against type. Roofers are seen as fly by night. Dispel that notion through your service and commitment. Stand out and be known for exactly what the public fears most about roofing companies. You will get lots of business.

I know you think life is so easy, but for most of us it is hard as hell. We are all struggling with our lives. Why aren't you?

Perhaps it's difficult for you because you do not see that you are an actor in a play. So you believe the play is real. But it's a play. There are tons of stuff happening behind the scenes. Your inner self is your backstage pass. When you're in a quiet room by yourself, and you're not playing your public role anymore - look inside. Ask yourself questions. Explore your motivations. Define your character, determine your role. Heck, suddenly you might realize you're the writer of the play as well! Ooh, now there's something to think about...

What's wrong with sitting in front of the television 15 hours a day? There's always something to watch. It's entertaining. I'm very informed from all the news shows I watch. I don't think it's a bad thing to watch a lot of TV. Is it?

Television is one of mankind's grandest inventions. How you use it is up to you.

My stepfather is a minister and I have hated him since the day I met him. He's two faced. The thing is, I know his dirty secrets (he abuses my 13 year old sister), so he has no power over me because I can expose him. But if I turn him in it will crush my mother. What should I do?

If your have told your mother and she refuses to deal with it, and he is really having sex with your sister who is 13 years old, then turn him in you must. Your mother will get over her broken faith in the man long before your sister ever will. And your sister cannot continue being abused so your mother can maintain the status quo. Talk to the Police or Child Protection Services.

Me and my girlfriend rode that new coaster in Vegas and she peed in her pants on the ride. At first it was funny but then it wasn't funny because she had to spend the next three hours in her pee soaked pants and everybody kept looking at her and it bummed her out. The thing is, I sort of got turned on by the whole pee thing. Should I tell her? Would that have made her feel better?

I don't know about then, but do talk to her about it now. Discuss it so that neither of you feels weird about it. Tell each other what it was like for you and perhaps within those boundaries will lie some common ground.

I have outgrown my husband. I have made tremendous spiritual strides while he has watched football and drunk beer in front of the boob tube. I want to fly and he wants to grow roots in the couch. I'm ready to take my better self out of here. My question is one of divorce - Do I get half of everything when I leave?

Whew. Yellow Pages. Lawyers. Call one.

My girlfriend went from being totally conservative sexually to a wild woman overnight. She does stuff she NEVER did before. Should I be suspicious of where she learned this new stuff?

You could ask her what brought it on. Just remember - you might get what you asked for - are you prepared to hear what she might say?

Seriously, if I had millions of dollars, would my life really be any better?

That's a very good question to ask yourself. What did you tell yourself?

I stole a bunch of CDs from this store and got caught. When my parents found out they grounded me for a month plus I got 25 hours of community service. But this is the weirdest part - not one person asked me which bands I was listening to. No one asked me who the CDs were that I was ripping off! Isn't that out of touch!

Oh, it's out of touch all right...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be everything I'm not. More than I already am. All that I hope to be.

One day I found your site and read a bunch of stuff and then surfed on. I didn't even bookmark you. A couple of days later I found myself typing in your URL and coming back for more. Now, every few days I check in to read the latest. You're an addictive, unpredictable writer. I wonder how many other people have had a similar experience to mine?

Addictive and unpredictable, well I like that. Makes me sound dangerous or something. Thanks for returning again and again.

Do you have any idea how many lurkers you have on your site?

A lot. I'd say most people look but don't touch. Anonymity is one of the great things about the Net, eh? As with all things, some people want to sit at the front of the class, some want to sit in the back.

Play me a tune and I promise not to sing out of key.

Getting by with a little help from your friends is a splendid way to live a life.

How big is your you know?

I’m the biggest ever. Everybody says so. Why, what have you heard?

Our family computer got a virus and it messed everything up so badly that we ended up having to purchase a new one. How come our Internet service provider doesn't provide some sort of virus protection? If the emails reside on their servers first, it seems to me that they could easily screen out viruses and not pass them on to their customers. Right?

This is an on-going debate. The ISPs say it is not their job to mess with anyone's email. They also don't want the responsibility for being your anti-virus protection; if one did get passed on, could you sue your ISP for failing to catch it before it got to you? Most ISPs don't filter for spam either. On the other hand, it would seem natural for them to intercept virus carrying emails and destroy them from the mail server before you downloaded them. But you know, others think it is the responsibility of the software vendors to deal with it, i.e., Microsoft's Outlook mail program should not be so vulnerable. Regardless, the bottom line is this - virus protection is up to you. Run both anti-virus software AND a personal firewall if you are not on a protected network. This is the best you can do against the dark side, Luke.

I sent you a USPS money order but you returned it. How come?

It has to be an International Money Order. If you buy one from the US Post Office and do not tell them it is international, the money order you get can only be cashed within the US and Possessions. It cannot be deposited in Canada. That's why it was sent back. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe there was a full explanation accompanying your return of the money order.

Do you have all your firewood in for this winter?

I do. 7 cords. All drying away nicely in my wood shed. It's a pretty sight, really. All those billions of BTUs, just sitting there, waiting to be released, waiting to warm our hearts and bones. Um.

My stupid cousin says she is a witch. She and her ignorant boyfriend belong to a coven or whatever they call a bunch of witches. She was always into flaky stuff so everyone in the family just sees this as another rebellious phase. But is there really such a thing as a witch? Can you really do spells and curses and have them happen?

What does it matter? Your cousin could be "into" accounting, or stock cars, or _________ (fill in the blank) - so what? If witchcraft interests her, what does it really matter (to you) whether it's real or not? It only matters to her. See?

Golfers are the blandest pro athletes on the planet. That David Toms who won the PGA has no personality whatsoever. But he's just in a long line of boring golf stars - Tom Lehman, David Duval, Jeff Maggert or any of another 100 of the top pros in the world (besides Tiger and Sergio). I want to know why this sport produces such people devoid of personality?

Now there's a good question for the boys over at

My cat Willy is pregnant! We thought she was a he! Now what are we going to do?

Rename the cat?

You ever sold any books in Tonga?

Tonga, lessee...no.

Eeeny, meeny, miny, moe - what does that mean?

Those are the Halpern quads from Flint, Michigan.

Well it looks like you were right. Buck Martinez has led the Toronto Blue Jays straight out of the playoffs. So who is going to win the World Series this year?

It might be the Seattle Mariner's year. 'Course I wouldn't bet against the Arizona Diamondbacks or The Yankees either for that matter. As always, should be fun to the stretch.

Do you ever fight with your wife?

No, never. Haw!

I had sex with my neighbour and her husband found out. He has threatened to tell my wife unless I pay him for the sex! He wants 250 quid! It was good but it wasn't that good. I can't afford to pay him or have him tell my wife. What should I do?

You could let him have sex with your wife (assuming she is amenable to such an arrangement.) Then you're even. Or....you could call the police and tell them you are being blackmailed by a prostitution ring, pay the guy off in front of the cops and have him get busted. Or...you could tell your wife yourself and deal with the consequences. Or...you could pretty much figure out why you did what you did and how that led you to where you are and go from there.

I think you were all wet with your review of A.I. My wife and I can't have children and we would love to have a robot son like in the movie. It would be the next best thing.

A robot son. The next best thing. Good god.

I forgot our anniversary and my wife is really mad at me. What would be a good make-up present?

That's a pretty individual choice so it would be hard for me to say. However, might I suggest (for you) investing in a memory course or a Personal Information Manager (software) that will keep track of your important dates and notify you of them in advance. As well, you might want to reassure your wife that you have undertaken a commitment to honor the date in the future.

My wife and I made our wills out and she is leaving all her stuff to the SPCA and PETA and other animal rights organizations. Our kids are furious. I'm not sure what to make of it. What do you think?

I think she is a marvelous human being following her heart. The kids are being selfish and acting out in greed and/or fear (of losing money they think ought to go to them). But you said it was "her stuff". Well, she ought to be able to do whatever she wants with "her stuff". Right?

I love my work and my family and we are very comfortable. However, I have found that my son is taking drugs and my sixteen year old daughter is already having sex. Where did we go wrong?

Look, you believe that no sex and no drugs is the way for them to live their lives. Your kids obviously don't. They are living a life with which you are unfamiliar. It's not better, it's not worse, it's just something you know nothing about. So educate yourself. Don't just impose some silly Just Say No rhetoric on them and be all righteous in your anger or disbelief. Understand, they are living these lives (regardless of how much you wish they weren't). Talk with them about why they do what they do - but do this without judgment. Do this so that you can learn what their lives are like. Then you need to make adjustments with your belief system that can reflect the reality of their worlds as well as yours. Nonjudgmental dialogue to understand the incomprehensible, that's the ticket.

You're a crazy cat! Love your stuff! Your groove is to my likin'. Can you dig that?

Stop it, I'm blushing.

Why are artists always such fringe people? I'd use the word weird but I don't want to insult you.

Of course, you have to realize that all weird people feel they are normal and it's the rest of you who are all out of whack. Having said that, I have to agree with myself, I too feel like I'm a seriously well adjusted artist. But maybe that's just me. What was your question?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your life?

10. Easily. I think the last time I answered this question I was in the mid-7s. Good, huh?

I hear that Janet Jackson is living in Vancouver, British Columbia. You ever see her there?

Janet and I go way back. I drove through Gary, Indiana once when she was living there as a kid. Oh, and years later, I was passing through St. Louis the night she gave a concert in that town. And now we live in the same province together! So yeah, duh, I'd say we're getting closer all the time.

No, I'm serious, man, you ever see her?


Well what would you think if I told you I know she reads your website?

I'd say the same thing to her that I would say to anybody else who finds their way here, including you: Welcome.

Hey man, I work for her and I can tell you that she thinks you're very creative and funny. She was the one that told me about your site. Just thought you might like to know.

Well thank you. It was nice of you to write.

I don't consider myself a bigot, but I am not fond of "people of color". I wanted to know your impression of these other races.

The color of one's skin is a beautiful thing. To dislike someone for being different than you is an ugly thing. To identify with an ugliness says more about you than the people you purport to dislike.

I have a guru and recently he has asked me to do some stuff I morally object to. Am I obligated to follow my instincts or follow my spiritual leader?

Both, and of course, they should be one and the same. In other words, you are your own guru. You can discover your own life in any way you choose to explore it. You do not need someone else to do that.

Cynthia says I'm too strict and abusive with her grandmother. But the old hag is just hanging around making my life miserable. I don't care what Cynthia thinks, I'm gonna bug her till she dies and leaves me something.

Good plan.

My husband took the Chartered Accountant test and flunked it. Now he's seriously depressed. I'm scared. I'm not equipped for this. Help, what do I do?

Talk to your local Provincial Mental Health Centre or your family physician. There are resources to help him cope with his depression; you must avail him of these.
What do you look forward to?

Each day;
morning coffee;
seeing my wife;
working my site;
living here;
living my life;
and lots more - but you get the idea. It's the everyday things of life that end up containing your life. Pay attention to the regular, the ordinary, see what I mean.

When you think of Jack, your dog, what do you think of?

Ironically, his perfect health. He was a huge, perfectly proportioned, 125 pound dog with energy, stamina and a fur coat to die for. He was a beautiful boy both in flesh and in spirit. And that is what we miss the most: his large, unmistakable spirit.

I'm a producer. Are you available for work?

I'm available to listen to what you have to say. We'll go from there, eh?

Do you auction stuff at eBay?

I've never been to eBay. I'm not an auction type guy.

I'm using Windows 3.1, should I upgrade to Windows XP when it comes out in October? Is it worth it?

Change "I'm using Windows 3.1" to "I'm driving a soap box derby car", then change "should I upgrade to XP..." to "should I upgrade to a modern automobile where you don't have to pedal with your feet", and see what your answer is. Then act accordingly.

The stock market is closed and I feel like a junkie that needs a fix. I'm totally caught up in the rush of trading and making scads of money. I'll admit that a small part of me is worried about this. Do you think this focus on materialism will come back to haunt me?

Don't know. But I will tell you that nobody should be haunted by anything.

I'm sure my neighbor is a drug dealer and a thief. I don't want to live next to him, you know, but I can't afford to move. So I was thinking of tipping off the cops, you know, so he'll have to move. Is this kosher?

I'd call it self-interest. It's up to you to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I can't help it but I now hate the people of the Middle East. To do what they did in New York sickens me and makes me hate them. I will go to war proudly.

Certain people of a certain persuasion perpetuated the terrorist attacks. To paint all people with the same brush is to indulge in your bruised ego and emotional ravagement. Only you can pull yourself from that abyss. To hate anybody is a crime against the self, not others. Think about that.

Did you have any relatives in New York during the attack?

3/5ths of my immediate family were in mid-town Manhattan the day of the attacks. They are fine, but it certainly makes one think.

Are those psychic hotlines for real?

I don't know, I have never had any interaction with them. What does your gut tell you?

I'm an American and I don't want to get involved in World War III. It's scary how xenophobic people are getting. I'm beginning to think you live in the right country - at least it's peaceful still in Canada. Is it hard to immigrate there?

Immigration is a matter of choice. If you choose it, it doesn't matter how hard it is.

How do you know if you're on the right path?

You're on whatever path you find yourself. If it's where you want to keep traveling, then you will do so; if it's a path you'd like to leave, then you should also do so. There is no right or wrong one, there is only the one you are on. And there's a gazillion paths and more available. But first, you have to look at where you are to see what path you're on. You must self-assess, self-examine.

Tell me something spectacular.

Reincarnational lifetimes are not linear, they're simultaneous.

I'm sure that standardized testing is what's wrong with our schools. Too much pressure to fit into the norm. So how did you do on standardized tests when you were their age?

Very good in some stuff (verbal, comprehension, high reading speed) and quite beggarly in others (math, math, and of course, math). But then, all that's made me the man I am today. Go figure.

I'm in advertising and I'm sure there is nothing new under the sun.

Sayeth the begetter of this hoary jaded curse. But um, you're wrong. Plenty new. Just nothing new for you, I guess. See what I'm saying? Er, sayeth?

Somebody we both know said that you used to write for Letterman. Is that true?

Letterman? I wouldn't even appear on Letterman. Let's face it, he's a snide, snarky, mama's boy. Who needs that kind of engagement?

Heard from Letterman's attorneys yet? Ha ha.

Tee hee.

I built my girlfriend a porch swing but forgot to nail some parts and it broke while she was sitting on it. I put it up kinda high to have a better view, but all's it done was make a longer fall and she ruptured her back. Can I sue the person who told me to build her one? Her cousin Larry?

You forgot to put in some nails and you want to sue Larry? Now in what part does that make any sense to you? The you-forgot-to-put-some-nails-in part? Or the you-forgot-to-put-some-nails-in part?

If you are pressed for time while updating your site, what gets slighted?

This very forum. Although generally, if I can get to updating KeithSpeak, I can answer a question or two.

Did my mother-in-law write you about me? She's always meddling!

Sure, she wrote. You should see what she said about you. Tsk, tsk.

How much does your book FOUND MONEY: How To Consciously Win The Lottery cost?

The download costs a mere $2.50 USD.

Do you do spiritual retreats? I don't mean as a speaker, I mean for yourself?

I have never done that. I feel that where I live is a spiritual retreat. Actually it's a spiritual constant, as there is no other 'real world' I go back to after this.

I have been sexually betrayed. It seems my wife is a slut and I'm the last to know. How did I find out? Her boss told me! I was totally humiliated. The real problem with this is...I liked it. I like the humiliation. Is this sick? Is this something I need help for?

Is it a problem for you? For your wife? If it's a problem, deal with it. If it's just a recognition that this is who you are, and it is something you like, then that's not a problem...unless for you that IS a problem...then deal with it.

My son just enlisted in the U.S. Marines because he wants to go and kill some terrorists. I have never been more prouder of him. But the thought that he could get killed has made his Mother depressed and she is taking pills for it. Now I don't know much about this sort of stuff but...do all depressed people on pills lose their sex drive?

I'm told that a common side effect of depression medication is, yes, a decreased libido. If she loses her boy in a war, you may never have it again.
My wife is also depressed. Is this more common in women or something? Also, which depression drugs are the best to take?

Beats me. If you want depression FAQs, I suggest you visit medical websites or pharmaceutical websites or go Ask Jeeves or something.

A year ago, after finding your site, I decided to take responsibility for my life. I stopped being a victim and I stopped blaming others for the problems in my world. I started looking closely at my life and made decisions based on my own thoughts and intuition. I took charge of going after my goals, and I have been open to learning all that I can along the way (which means having to keep one's ego in check!). Ever since, my life has improved about 10,000%. You are right on with what you have been saying. It does work. It does feel wonderful. Thank you for helping me grow.

And you me.

I just got your book FOUND MONEY. At first I was disappointed that it wasn't thicker. But after reading it, I had to laugh at myself because inside is the exact book I had ordered. I had to remind myself that it's not how thick a book is, it's what the book has to say that makes it good. And this book certainly tells you how to win the lottery. Just what I was looking for. Thanks.

Thank you.

My wife doesn't have a clue about how to take a compliment. And she's beautiful! This bothers me. How can I get her to be more accepting of these things?

Why are you so bothered by her feeling awkward about taking a compliment? Her taking one graciously or her being embarrassed is just a personal coping mechanism. Really, instead of trying to get her to change, why don't you look at your need to have her do so?

The public is always being manipulated by media and the government. Remember when we were supposed to hate Muammar Kaddafi? And then we were supposed to hate the Ayatollah Khomeini. Then we were told to revile Saddam Hussein...and now it's Osama Bin Laden. Screw them. I don't want to hate anybody. I'm joining the next peace rally I can find.

A man who thinks for himself is a man to be reckoned with.

It takes something like the World Trade Center disaster to put things into perspective. Now, more than ever, Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame. We should be celebrating all Americans.

Huh? Pete, is that you?

I'll bet that if all four of the Beatles were living, the WTC attacks would have been the reason for them to reunite and play together again. How awesome would that have been! What an incredible tonic that would have been... I live in New York City and I'm getting pretty depressed about the whole thing.

Perhaps you might want to think about getting out of town for a little bit. Even a weekend trip upstate would be a nice change; maybe visit some friends; or go home and see the folks; get out of the city for a while. Allow yourself some distance and perspective.

Where do we go when we sleep?

To other worlds, where you already are before you even arrive. If that doesn't make sense, sleep on it.

I loved your book Write About Dogs. I read it twice back to back. Lots of great stuff in there! I'm a writer too and I'm using it for inspiration. Thanks.

Thank you.

My whole life is stress. I'm burned out and I don't know what to do. Help.

I suggest you quit whatever it is you are doing that is causing you all this stress. Change your life, man. What else are you waiting for?
Is it ok to send a wedding present months after the wedding?

Sure, who doesn't like to get presents? Though your card might want to mention the time lag, and apologize for it.

On our honeymoon, my new husband slept with a waitress at our hotel. Is this a sign of things to come? My sister says I made a big mistake.

Of course, it's not generally accepted practice for one to be sleeping with strangers on one's honeymoon, but let's turn generalities into specifics: um, what do you think?

And while we're on the wedding theme, do you think Anna Nicole Smith ought to be allowed to wed again after her farcical marriage to that old man billionaire?


Have you ever had a death threat?

Now why would you ask such a thing? Indeed, are you asking a question or issuing a death threat? Please clarify.

I am NOT threatening your death. I asked you that because there are a lot of crazy people in the world and you have a website they could all come to. That's all.

I have a website that all death threatening people could come to?! What? Please clarify.

Look, I don't mean anything by any of this. This has gotten out of hand. Just forget the whole thing.


I need a lot of money fast. Is it possible to create a lot of money really fast? If so how do you do it? I am totally serious.

That is a good question. I don't see how you could do it, but I don't doubt that it can be done.

You know in that Morris Day song, Time? Well I know what time it is. Do you know what time it is?

It just so happens that I have my computers synced up with the
Atomic Clock.
I ping. It is 10:12AM, my friend. Yes, I do know what time it is.

'Sweet mother of pearl', I've always loved that expression. What expressions do you like?

"I love you", is always nice. "Mr. Ryan, here is that money we promised you", will forever be welcome 'round here. And when I think of it, I'm pretty partial to, "Dinner's ready!" as well.

I have nothing but passion for life! I'm always exuberant and full of life! Do you think there are a lot of other people like me in the world?


I'm a tech worker who has been laid off twice at two different companies in the last nine months. I'm tired of this. I've been thinking about going back to school to become a doctor. Think I should switch careers?

I'm a doctor who has just had my medical license revoked. I need a new career. I've always been intrigued with computers. Is now a good time to go into a tech career?

Yes. And that is how to answer a question with a question. Do we not rule?

I'm a hardbody, but my boyfriend is kind of puffy and ill defined. I stay with him because he's rich as sin. But I wanted to tell you about a great psychological trick I learned. I told my boyfriend, who is loaded but can be stingy, that if he didn't start giving me more money, I was gonna get fat! Say bye bye to this hardbody, I told him. Freaked - him - out! I'm his trophy girlfriend. Guess what? He got so scared he gave me a new Jag! You are right, your thoughts can change your world!

Dear me, and we were supposed to use our powers for good.

I'm boffing my boss. Every day at work we get it on. The problem is his wife. She is getting suspicious. Any ideas to get her off our backs?

Wow, it's like warped relationship week. Ok, here's what you do. Pull all the corners down tight, smooth all the wrinkles from those sheets, slip the cases on, adjust the pillows, rearrange the blankets, then get in and lie down in the bed you've made.

Kind of hard on that cheating woman, weren't you? You have to know all the facts. I'm cheating on my husband too, but in my case some of us aren't getting enough from that someone at home, you know?

I wasn't judging that woman. I was just trying to get her to look at her own big picture. The one she created. I have nothing invested in that. She has everything invested in it. She should look. The idea being, the more you look, the more you see, the more you understand about your own life. T-t-t-that's all, folks!

I think money is the most important thing in the world. But you don't seem to. I came to this site to find out about money. How come you don't talk more about money?

I talk about creating money in the context of creating your life. To me they are one and the same, indistinguishable in their process. If you want more money, or a better life, who is stopping you from these things? Oh, you are. Right? Ok, maybe that's asking you to read between the lines, but hey, if that's where I'm doing the talking...
This site is crazy! You are nuts! I come back 7 days a week to read KeithSpeak. Without the Internet, I wouldn't even know you exist! Cool, huh?


We can't decide where to go for lunch today. Italian or Greek?

How come you never hear anybody say, Hey, let's have Canadian today.

I love measured drawings. Anything on graph paper turns me on. Mechanical pencils make me drool. Architects can make me wet. Is there something wrong with me?

Why would you think that something that feels good to you, something you have recognized and fully acknowledged and therefore completely understand regarding the physical effect these things have upon you, think that's a bad thing? This stuff excites you. It's good to know what excites you. Forget the analysis of it and enjoy the pleasurable feelings it engenders. Goodness people, enjoy your life - ESPECIALLY at the enjoyable moments of it. Come on.

I feel guilty about stuff I do all the time. My brother, who is a priest, rags on me about going to hell all the time. This just makes me feel fearful and I do more guilt trips. My life isn't great, how do I make it better?

You're talking about religion. And brothers who are fathers. That's pretty personal stuff, matey. Don't know what I could add. Wait, yes I do. You get guilt and fear from your religion? I'm just guessing here, but if your religion makes you feel worse instead of better, um...might I suggest you look into another religion?

Do you have your Halloween pumpkins out yet?

Ha, Susan and I are off to procure them this very day!

Are you going to have any more contests?

Can't say. Nothing as yet has been planned. Obviously, I will announce with great fanfare the next one. Should there be a next one. Though right now I can't say.

Are you happy?

Oh baby, am I! But not all the time, of course. Living a life is living ALL the emotional states. Sometimes one grieves and more.

My son just bought a monkey! I could kill him for bringing this filthy animal into my home! It's freaking out everywhere! What the hell am I supposed to do with a monkey!

Now calm down, ok? Take a deep breath. This monkey is a scared, living being who cannot comprehend your rage at it, where it is, what the hell is happening to its life. If it's freaking out it is because it's terrified. Please calm down. Okay?
Now it appears that your son is the issue here, not the monkey. It sounds like he could have brought home a snake or a cow and you would have still lost it. So was this for shock value? His love of animals? A rescue, etc.? Find out why your son has a monkey. What are his intentions and motivations for doing this? Are those things you can live with or not? Do you see? Have a useful and meaningful conversation with your boy. Because if you don't understand it, you will continue freaking out just like the monkey. Okay?
I'm a juicer. I drink fruit juice exclusively. If you came over to my house, all I could offer you was juice.

Juice sounds good.
I'm a liberal but my girlfriend's father is a conservative Tory. We argue politics all the time and end up mad at each other and this makes my girlfriend anxious because she doesn't want to have to take sides. The thing is, I like yelling at the old bastard. Should I tell her it's fun for me to piss the old man off?

Sure - and then watch her take his side (hey dude, you're being a bully, that's all. You don't think she'll see that?).

Should I change the oil in my car myself or have someone else do it?

If you have to ask, I'd say have someone else do it.

I wanted to talk about cars too. If you're an average looking guy, can a hot car get you girls?

They say that's true. But they also say there are alligators living in the sewer system.

I'm a blue haired granny and proud of it. In Japan, you know, they revere their elders. In California, where I live, they treat us like dirt. What's your opinion on old people?

I hope to be one one day.

My wife loves to dance, I don't at all. When we go out, she dances with strange guys who are always feeling her up. They grab her and rub her and she mostly lets them. This makes me so mad, but she says she genuinely likes dancing and if I won't do it, well, she's going to do it with other guys. What can I do?

Take dance lessons?
Learn to like watching your wife flirt?
Something in between?

I know we're supposed to be all lovey-dovey with the Brits because they're our allies in bombing the Afghans, but I hate the notion of a monarchy, always have. Mostly because of inbreeding, that sort of thing. It's always bad to have families run countries. That's what I think. What do you think?

My good man, are you telling me that the Queen's hats are not fabulous? And that's about as far as my concern for that monarchy, or any other, extends.

I teach creative writing at a major U.S. university and your site has been brought to my attention by some students. After looking it over, I must say that though you are witty, your English construction and grammar need a lot of work. How could you possibly be a publisher and write the way that you do?

Sigh. I like the way I write. So do a lot of other people. You're just not one of them. So go read someone else. Ciao.

My husband is a technical genius. Our entire house is wired with all his "time saving" gadgets. I hate it. I want my old kitchen back. How do I get my old kitchen back?

You'll have to be frank and inform him that his improvements are no improvements as far as you're concerned. Be open with him, you should be able to work something out.
Are cats better than dogs?

If you ask a cat, they'll say yes. If you ask a dog, they'll say no. Who am I to judge?

I lost a whole bunch of weight by thinking positively about myself and eating a whole lot less food than I did before. My problem is my husband, now that I see I can do a whole lot better than him. I have more confidence now. I've had plenty of guys looking my way ever since I lost the weight. What should I do?

You're infatuated with the new you. That's heady stuff, feeling good about yourself. You're wondering where your husband fits into this new picture. But only you can determine that.
I have been trying to win money the way you say, but I have to be honest, I don't have much confidence in it. It's hard to believe.

And there's the rub. That also happens to be the crux of what I'm trying to say in FOUND MONEY: How To Consciously Win The Lottery. So, if you are not manifesting lottery wins, then you are manufacturing something else - not winning. And how are you doing this? Basically, you're doing exactly what you are telling yourself: You are not winning, using my techniques, because you don't believe in them. Isn't that what's happening? But if that's true, uh-oh, that means it is working...

Pish tosh, I say. What do you say?

Hubba hubba.

Aside from selling me a book perhaps, why are you so interested in my welfare? Why do you want me to, as you put it, wake up within my own life?

For one to take responsibility for their own life, one must understand that they are making that life (through their thoughts, ideas, beliefs and intentions). I'm just saying that self-examination of all of the above will allow one to take full responsibility for their life, and thus exert conscious control over the events of their life. That's all. Plus, it's in my best interest, and those of my fellow man, for all of us to be cognizant of what we are doing. Makes for a much more thoughtful society, you know?

I'm 17 and I want to go all the way with my boyfriend. We've done everything else. I just want to know how not to get pregnant.

Honey, if you are sophisticated enough to use the vast power of the Internet to reach me, you are smart enough to know how to use a search engine (try contraceptives) to find out what you need to know. I suggest you start reading up. There are many ways not to get pregnant. Don't have sex until you know them.

Let me ask everyone else a question: Is this lack of fundamental biological knowledge a failure of our public school system, or a reflection of our prurient attitudes about sex that prevent a person of her age from knowing this?

Ok, I think this is inappropriate, but my wife and my 13 year old daughter are determined to go trick or treating dressed as hookers. My wife has dressed our daughter and herself in slutty clothes and put on gobs of makeup and the two of them want to go out looking like mother-daughter sluts (they are also taking our 9 year old boy whom they have dressed as their pimp!). I think all of this is inappropriate and have refused them to go out. What do you think?

It's Halloween, man, lighten up. They're costumes. You can take this as far as you want, even to the point of ruining Halloween for your kids. My suggestion? Go with them. You can be a pimp too. Or a john. Or just a concerned father.

What are you listening to right now?

The birds outside my window, Bob Marley in the D drive, the racket from my computer fans, a ringing in my ears that may be tintinitis or may be a message from an alien race, I haven't yet decided.

Am I pretty?

Hubba hubba.

Are you guys hiring any technical wizards right now? Because I'm available.

Thanks for asking, but we aren't. Hiring. Your future lies with someone else.

Which is better in your opinion, blue walls or purple walls? My wife wants purple. She says it is the color of royalty. We're so common it's not funny. Tell her blue is better, ok?

Oh noooo you don't, I'm not getting dragged into a blue vs. purple wall color war. Nah-uh. No sir. Been there done that (you'd be surprised how many times this has come up). Ok, have a nice day. Next!
I want to be a movie director. Everyone tells me that the field is way too competitive, there are too many film schools and film school graduates, and breaking into Hollywood is almost impossible unless you know someone. Is all this really true?

Apparently, for the people who told it to you, it is. But you're not them, are you? So who knows how it will be for you? Just do it.

I'm ready to snap. My husband drives me insane. I'm sure I will kill him one day. Maybe soon. Maybe tonight. I'm not going to really. But if I have to listen to his stupid stories about his stupid buddies one more time, I swear I'm going to kill him. I swear I will.

Ok, like divorce, in this case, is a good thing. You know? You've heard of it? It's where you don't have to listen to his stupid stories anymore. Yellow Pages. Lawyers. Call one. Say divorce.

I just found out my boy friend is a cross dresser. I'm shocked at his behavior, but I still love him, I think. It's all sort of bizarre. How much time does it take to process something like this?

When it means something to you, it does. That's how long it takes. Just keep working on it until you can figure it out for yourself.

I had a near death experience. It changed my life (ironic, huh?). I saw the light and was moving toward it but stopped for some reason and came back. But now I am not afraid of death. I know that I go on after death. That is unbelievably comforting. You should tell your readers that death is not something to fear.

Everybody hear that?

It took me as long to read all of The Q&As 1-5, as it has some novels - and I have to say your stuff is a damn sight better than most I've read. It has been a very enjoyable experience coming here. Keep it up.

Yes, sir.

Are there special operatives in Canada?

We have two. Manny and Hector. They are both equally good at disguises. Why, how many special operatives do you have?

Tell me something terrifying!

Being an NHL goalie in the days before the face mask existed. Can you imagine?! The fastest, hardest, most competitive hockey players in the world shooting rock hard disks of frozen rubber at your unshielded face and head! Terrifying! Your face! Jacques Plante will forever be a saint for adopting the first mask in 1959.

What do you have against Dennis Miller?

Nothing really...but don't get me started on that Ed Begley, Jr.! Now it's true, I don't much care for him on Monday Night Football, Dennis that is, not Ed, although Ed might know more football than Dennis does, which isn't much, and Ed might be funnier than Dennis is, which isn't very, but I don't have anything against him personally. Dennis that is, not Ed. Ed is more like the son I never had. What was your question?
Yeah, well, this is Denno Miller hisself. Stop talking bad about me, Keith.

Ok ok, I'll just get in one last lick (this is my house). Dennis, you are a man of many talents, I just happen to think that broadcasting football is not one of them. 'Course, I could be wrong...

My cousin is stealing beer out of my fridge. How do I get her to stop it. I've already told her like a thousand times. She's also a pervert because of what I've seen her do. But the beer thing pisses me off the most.

Thank you ever so much for sending me the less than lovely pictures of your cousin doing that disgusting thing she was doing in your effort to bolster your assertion that she is indeed a pervert. As for the beer part, well, let me put it this way - I'm afraid I've totally lost any interest in this question, your shameful cousin or you. Sometimes that happens.

Over a one year period, I bet all our money on sports teams and lost it all. My wife will go nuts when I tell her. Is there any way to lessen the shock?

I suppose if you were already dead, then she wouldn't have to kill you, and maybe over time, she'd thank you for being so considerate. Other than that, no.

Are you advocating suicide for that last guy?!

No, I'm advocating that he tells his wife and then deals with the consequences.

Is the U.S. mail safe? Will it ever be safe again? My husband is a postal worker.

I don't know one speck of information about the United States Postal Service other than they sponsor Lance Armstrong's bike team. Safe? I don't know safe. Sorry.

Our new dog wants to sleep in the bed with us. My wife doesn't like it, but if the puppy is put down back on the floor, she whines. So I end up sneaking her back onto the bed with me and I cuddle around her. In the morning, my wife finds us both sleeping and yells at me for bringing the dog onto the bed. What can I do?

Giving your new, baby dog love and protection instead of loneliness and isolation sounds good to me. I say, continue doing what you're doing, it's obviously what your conscience is telling you to do, because you're doing it. You are exhibiting compassion. That is a good thing. Though it can be habit forming.

I think I'm going soft. My formerly hard body is slipping away by a few pounds here and a few pounds there. How can I stop the slide? I'm 46.

Focus, man! You can do anything you want. Nothing is slipping away here but confidence in your former hardbody looks. Why is that? Was it too much work to maintain? Did you do it to get women and now maybe you have one? You're aging and your body is changing and what drove you before doesn't drive you now? Figure it out. Figure out why you did it before and why you are not doing it now. Then either pick up the pace or move on.

You're right! You should be a personal trainer.

In the strictest sense of the phrase, I am a personal trainer. We all are. And our one client is ourselves. Personal (you) trainer, get it? A trainer makes you pay attention to something, helps you focus on it, and urges you to accomplish it. Well, you do that with yourself all the time.

I am addicted to Pepsi. I drink about a dozen a day. At work, they have just instituted a new "no drinks at your desk" policy because some idiot spilled a Coke on the company servers and wiped out part of the network. How am I going to get my fix? I can't take a dozen lunch room breaks a day. Help.

Dear, you have a nasty little caffeine habit going there (soft drinks are full of caffeine, it's what brings you back for more). Perhaps the company is inadvertently doing you a favor, because nobody should drink twelve soft drinks a day. Dear, circumstances have conspired to allow you to take a look at your habit. Do so.

I feel sorry for all the turkeys killed for Thanksgiving.

Me too.

I hate my mother-in-law with a passion. She is meddlesome and nothing but trouble. My wife thinks she is a saint. This is a strain between my wife and myself. How can I convince her that her mother is a shrew?

Getting your wife to take sides between two people she loves is a no brainer lose-lose situation. Instead, why don't you concentrate on your relationship with your wife, and forget about your meddlesome mother-in-law? After all, you're not married to her. Fix what you can fix and leave the rest to the winds.

My first name is Stanton. I think it's the stupidest name in the history of man, besides maybe Mordred. What do you think?

I knew a Mordred once. Vile boy. So I suppose Stan will never do?

What's in a name?

Apparently a lot if you ask Stanton.

I'm going gray and it's bumming me out. Dying my hair is not an option. How do I learn to cope mentally with getting older?

You answered your own question. It is a learning process. That implies a continuum. You are somewhere in that process. From this place you shall figure out some solution for yourself (or you won't), but either way, you are working on it. That, my friend, is learning.

Sexually, I'm getting kinkier as I get older. I'm losing more and more of my inhibitions. I can't believe I wasted so much time living under some stupid, prudish "rules" taught to me by my parents. I'm telling everyone to think for themselves! Thank you.

I'm glad that you are discovering new aspects of yourself. Living the full spectrum is definitely better than living a single color.

Sting says he has tantric sex for like 10 hours at a time. How is that possible?

I have no idea how Sting has sex. You might wanna ask him.

What if you're good at two sports but you can't decide which to commit to because that means giving one up?

Bo or Deion didn't give one up. Of course they made the choice not to do so. And just like them, only you can say what your choice is going to be.
I'm dating three women and I like them all for different reasons. My problem has to do with the one I like the best - everything with her is great except the sex. With her, the sex is pretty conservative. I have tried to introduce fun elements into the bedroom, but it upsets her. We always end up going back to the same old same old. Now I'm getting great sex from the other two women, so I don't mind it being pretty conservative with the third. But any suggestions on loosening her up?


What is your favorite breakfast cereal?

I don't eat breakfast or cereal. Though I have been known to rave over cold pizza in the morning.

It's been raining here for weeks! When is it going to quit?

It's going to quit just when you think you can't stand it for one more minute; when you think you'll go mad if it rains another drop. Are you there yet?

I am a wealthy woman. I have four businesses and they are all successful. I created them all and in every way, I'm the boss. But I can't seem to find true love. It's starting to make me think that wealth and love are incompatible. True or false?

Trust me, wealth and love can get along very nicely together. They are not incompatible and they are not mutually exclusive. If you put half the energy and focus in on finding your true love, as you do in running all your businesses, my guess is that it would yield results. That's what focusing on goals does. If however, you are really in love with business, and a man would be second to that, then perhaps that is why your current reality reflects this, eh? Right now, it sounds like business is your true love.

Instead of pleasure, I go for pain every time. The wrong guys attract me. I even know I'm doing it, and that it's doomed from the start, yet I do it over and over again. What can I do?

Some part of you is getting fulfillment from this. Find out what that is, discover why you are doing what you're doing (your motivation for it, your intentions behind it, your repetition with it), determine if you want to keep that or change that, and then either continue your pattern or establish a new idea of yourself and your capabilities, your future, your worth and your happiness - in other words, change. Self-directed change. Be bold. Take control of your own life. You can do anything you want. Best wishes in your personal search.

You sound like a guru.

As I have said before, everyone is a guru, their own personal guru; you don't have to look outside of yourself for answers about yourself, it's a one on one thing, an inner- outer thing. You are your own best counsel. This is swami Keith, over and out.

If Tommy had five apples and wanted to divide them among his 128 classmates, how long did it take the teacher to have her head explode from this exercise?

Had a bad day, have we? This is why god made alcohol, recreational drugs, exercise, and sex. Stress kills, honey. School's over. Relaxxxxxxx.

Could you answer this one right away, please! My wife is off having a ski weekend with her boyfriend (it turns me on, what can I say?). The problem is, her parents just phoned from the car and are coming by in an hour - to spend an impromptu weekend with us! (They live in another state.) My wife doesn't work so I can't tell them she is out of town because of her job. And she doesn't have any real female friends (we just moved here two months ago) so she can't be having a weekend with the girls. Quick, what do I tell them?

You're freaking out because you feel that you can't tell them the truth. Instead of you freaking out, why don't you tell them the truth - then you could relax and they could freak out. This is much better for you. If you don't want to do that, then any lie will do. Be creative. Have fun.

Gotta fly, gotta fly.

May the winds be at your back.

I'm losing my hair. It's bumming me out. Can you think back more hair?

Look, don't let the loss of the other you, the hairful you, cause you to wallow in the misery of what's no longer there, because doing this will cause you to miss the opportunity to embrace the new hairless you who is there. And will be for the rest of your life. Learn to love yourself, man, it's a much better place to live your life.
Here's a BIG compliment - I bought Write About Dogs to give to my best friend who loves animals. When the book arrived, I thought I would take a look at a few pages and then wrap it up. But I never stopped! After the cartoon I just kept reading and turning the pages. I read the whole book! WHAT a book! This is a fantastic novel; my friend will be thrilled. I don't have any questions, I just thought you might like to hear my story. Thanks.

Thank you.

For her birthday, we got our 16 year old daughter a webcam. Last night, at 3AM, my wife caught her stripping on it in front of God knows who. We took the cam away, but what is the proper punishment for this kind of thing?

Here's your webcam back, no stripping?

Are you going to have a Christmas book sale?

Our books are for sale for Christmas, they're just not on sale for Christmas.

I just got married and I think I made a mistake. She has totally changed from this bodacious babe to the housefrau from hell - in 3 weeks! How do you dump someone if you're married to them? Pal, your site rocks.

Hmm, if you're talking legal, I don't know legal. Hell, maybe there's some law that covers 3 week marriages and other such catastrophes. Don't know. Can't say. But if you love her, might I suggest talking with her about giving it some more time? Then, with that time, you guys try to figure out how to make it work for both of you. If you love each other, work it out. If you don't, well, let's just say we're back to the legal again.

I have taken up archery. I'm not very good yet, but so far I have killed a few squirrels and birds. My question is, as my aim gets better, what should I do with all these dead animals?

You could wear a tee shirt that says, I'm Ignorant. You'd still have a bunch of dead animals, but at least people would know why.

I'm short. Can I use your method to think myself tall?

You can minimize your shortcomings by acting tall and confident. If you don't feel negatively about being short, and instead think positively about your stature as a man (and how you carry yourself because of that), then you can ameliorate the reactions to your being short. In other words, people will see your self-confidence, your purposeful bearing, and not how tall you are - or at least they won't make an issue about your height. Lead by example - be a strong and forthright man despite your physical stature, and others will see that, and react to that, and you will get respect for who you are. But you must respect yourself first. Then automatically, that will be projected outwardly, where it will be perceived by others.

It sounds like you place a good deal of stock in respecting oneself. Why is that so important in the big scheme of things?

If you don't think you have worth, why should others?

I read in your site that you drove tractor-trailers over the road. Is that a Peterbilt in the picture? What motor is in it? And what did you haul?

Yes, that's a conventional Pete. It had a 450 Caterpillar engine with a 13 speed. For that particular trucking company I hauled steel, heavy equipment and machinery; they specialized in flat decks, drop decks and Low Boys.

Your website has a lot of content. Are you going to add new sections or just keep adding to the old stuff?

Right now, it is what it is. Later, it could be something else.

What makes you such an expert?

Everyone is the expert of their own individual life. I'm just talking about mine out loud.

You're an odd fellow. You drive 18 wheelers, and today you said you were making concrete, but you also write literary fiction and practical non fiction too. You're well built and athletic, and yet you are the webmaster to a creative website that gives great advice and help to others too. Your wife is beautiful and you live in a spectacular place. You're probably rich as sin. I can barely hold a job. What's with you?

I try and do pretty much only that which interests me. Obviously, I have diverse interests.

I'm starting to think that life is pretty much a competition; that Darwin and the survival of the fittest thing was spot on. What do you think?

There is no competition. In this life in this place, everyone is focused upon their own particular development (physical, emotional, spiritual and more). It doesn't matter where the fellow next to you is (developmentally-wise), because he's not you. You are only concerned with you (and your personal development, consciously, subconsciously and unconsciously). You accomplish this development through the experiences and events of your life. Everyone does. We are all trying to grow. We do it at our own pace, in our own time. There is no competition.

What did you get for Christmas and how was it?

A lovely day off, best wishes from my lovely wife, and a lovely few gifts from some close folk. Can you spot a trend here?

It's pretty obvious that peace on earth ain't happening. What's your take on that?

It's a crying shame.

My boyfriend is intent on trying to make my dog learn all these stupid tricks. My dog isn't too smart and she is having trouble learning. Then John gets cross with her and yells and she cowers from him so he yells at her more... What should I do?

You tell him to stop abusing her immediately! John isn't to "teach" your dog anything! What you have here is a stupid human, not a stupid pet. Protect your dog. Love her. Do not be afraid to help her.
I'm cheating on my wife. What started out as a fling has turned serious. I love this woman, but I love my wife too. Should I just keep everything the way it is and have them both? And how long can you do that for before you fail to catch one of the juggling balls and they all fall to the ground?

You got literary on me at the end. Sounds like you see it all failing at some point. Sounds like you see that what you have right now, is temporary. That you have no faith in it working out and keeping them both. So...who do you want? To spend the rest of your life with? Or until another fling turns serious? And you do this all over again?

You might as well print this in the Q&As because it truly is a question for you. I'm an editor at a large publishing house in New York. I have written you and phoned you several times about a couple of different offers. But each time you have said no. You never explain why. You don't leave any room for negotiations. You just say no and then thank me for my time. I don't get it. You have great potential for a large audience. We want to publish you. Why don't you want that?

I want what I currently have. I'm not interested in your offer to do other things. I've told you this. I've thanked you for your time. At the risk of sounding rude, what else is there?

In FOUND MONEY you say that the technique for winning money is the same for other things in your life. What other things?

What I'm trying to say in that book is that you are currently and constantly creating the circumstances of your life. I mean that literally. If you think about your beliefs and your ideas and intentions, if you think about what you want, your goals and hopes and dreams - and if the two of those are not in conflict, then you are consciously creating your life. So why not win money in the lottery?

For example: Two people both want to become doctors. Their intentions are real and they have done all they can to further themselves toward this goal. But one of them worries that he may not be smart enough to get into medical school, let alone pass medical school, and then the medical boards after that. He has no doubt he'd be a good doctor, but he does have doubts about whether he's smart enough. In other words, he has a conflict. The other person has none of this baggage. Which person do you think will get into med school and become a doctor? Which won't? And why won't he? Because he really believes something else (that he's not smart enough to be a doctor). What he believes will be manifest in his life. Just like it will be for the other person. Just like it is for all of us. Examine your life. Look at your current circumstances and see how your belief system (or conflicts with it) have created exactly what you're living.

I made brownies and spiked them with mary jane. My Dad ate three and was ripped all night. He was more fun to be with that night than I can ever remember. We had a great time, laughing and telling stories. How come mary jane isn't legal?

Mary jane! Really. How old are you?
I suppose you can look to political fear mongering for the continued illegality of marijuana, even though millions and millions and millions of people use it.

Any New Year's resolutions you think I should maybe consider?

Anything in your life you would like to change? Pick it. Commit to it. And don't let yourself down.

My wife wants to go do a nude vacation. You know, where you vacation at a clothing optional resort? Isn't everybody at these places young and in shape? We're in our late 40's and though my wife looks pretty good, I don't. How relaxing can this be as a vacation if I'm insecure about my looks?

Exactly. Two things here: One, nobody else there will care about your body (except hopefully, your wife); and two, once you're there, you'll become more comfortable than you ever imagined possible. How? Because you'll see that really only a small percentage of people in the world have fabulous bodies. Most of us are just regular size and shape. So just go and relax and have fun. That's what you do at a resort, clothes or no clothes.

Anything bad happen lately?

Why yes. A 35 lb. box of concrete color pigments was shipped to me from a company on the coast. Only the courier broke the box in transit, and 3 of the 5 bags of tints inside got ripped open, mixing the colors (so they are of no use now), and spilling out of the broken box. The courier so knew he had screwed up, that he never delivered the box to me, but instead dropped it off at a Mail Boxes Etc. store downtown, where the colored tints (blue, green and red) continued to pour out of the busted box, all over their carpet in the store. This stuff is vicious. It gets on everything and is very hard to get off - be it your hands, the carpet, or the concrete it is supposed to be mixed in with. We are all still working out the details of what to do about this mini fiasco. Is that what you mean?

Do you visualize everything in your life, or just the big stuff?

I try to be aware all the time. When I find that I am focusing upon something, I examine that more closely. When I work out what I'm focused on it for, and what it means to me, and where I want it to go, then yes, I will formally visualize upon it. However, we all do a sort of natural visualization, imagining things we want, fearing the things we fear, which is how the things that currently exist in our lives got there in the first place. So in my long winded way, huff huff, I'm just saying, be aware. Look at why you do what you do. That leads to responsibility (for your life). And that leads to the power to create your life with cognizance. Consciously. Deliberately. Powerfully. It's a very compelling and beautiful way to live your life.

Gary meets Martha. Martha dislikes Gary. Gary becomes obsessed with Martha. Gary stalks Martha. Martha gets a restraining order. Gary violates it. Gary goes to jail. Gary gets out in ten days. What does Martha do?

Get a big new boyfriend who isn't afraid of Gary?
Get a big new dog who isn't afraid of Gary?
Ignore Gary?
Turn the tables and have Martha stalk Gary?
Nah. Forget Gary. If he violates parole, put him back in jail. In the meantime, Martha, get on with your life.
When the ceiling of cloud bridges the valley's steep sides, how do you know there is blue sky above?

Hey, wait a minute, is this a trick question? Because I think the answer is 5.

The wife and I invite you to visit us in Ireland on the 23rd. This is because her son by her first marriage thinks you're grand. It's the boy's 18th birthday. You'll come?

Can't do that, get on a plane and go to Ireland, not right now, but I'll send him an e-mail, and my best wishes, and I'll thank you for inviting me. Happy birthday, Liam, you've got mail.

I am into rocks. I collect them, you see. I have many. I live in the southwest where there are lots of rocks. I was wondering if you could send me a British Columbia rock? Thanks.

Sure. But just a small one. I'm not air freighting a hunk of the province or anything. So be happy with what you get. Maybe a hundred years from now somebody will find this chunk of northern ice age geology deep in the southwest and scream, How did it get here! It's the mystery of the century! And so on.

I am Russian and proud of it. What do you make of that Mr. Canadian-American?

Technically, I think I'm an American-Canadian. Spiritually, you and I are fellow human beings living on our one and only planet. I love you, mannnnn.

I have to keep calling the cops because of spouse abuse. I've noticed that the cops are talking longer and longer to get here the more times I call them. If they would get here quicker I wouldn't get hurt so bad all the time.

No, if you weren't being beat up by your spouse, you wouldn't get hurt all the time. Don't shift the blame here. Why are you staying with a person who beats you up? And don't you know that as long as you stay with this person, you will be beat up? In other words, your future beatings exist, all you have to do is keep doing whatever it is you're doing, and you'll move into them, one by one by one. Lady, this won't stop, until you stop it. How? By not being with the person who beats you up.

What was that keyboard trick you mentioned a long time ago about getting quickly to the bottom of the page to see all the newer Q&As?

Push Ctrl-End to get to the bottom of the page, and Ctrl-Home to get back up to the top.

I like your site a lot. You have lots of stuff to read here. How long can you keep this up?

It will be this until it's no longer this. When that will be, I can't say.

Do all roads lead to Mecca?

You'd have to ask a better traveled man than I.

Once again, blue or green?

I saaaay, try green this time.

Can you go into a little more detail about the spouse abuse question?

In other words, don't try and change the abuser, which allows one to continue to feel victimized (as in: HE needs to change, not me). Regardless of whether you feel like anything is your fault, you ARE living this life. You ARE getting abused. So you must accept that you are definitely involved in this, and recognize your need to be in situations (ongoing and constant) that cause you harm and peril. WHY are you involved in this kind of thing? There ARE reasons, psychological, spiritual and emotional that must exist (and continue to be perpetuated) for you to allow yourself to experience this kind of ongoing abuse. Ok, so if you can't change him, what do you do? You change yourself. YOU fix the problem of getting beat up. Logic dictates that you not be with the person abusing you. You must take control of your life, because it IS your life. Grow.

What was the largest amount you won through the lottery? What are some of the other things your focus has brought to you? Thanks in advance.

Have I won millions of dollars? Nope. Have I intentionally won money in the lottery? Yup. But it doesn't matter how much I have won, or what other things I have brought myself in my life. This is not a book about me. This is a book about you. If you find it relevant, then it's about you.

I am living (to me) a wonderful, rich life. I have looked at how that is (after all, I've been here the whole time, making the choices, pursuing the dreams, executing the moves of my life; I should be the one to look at it, eh?), and as a result of my self-examination, I don't see my life as a mystery, and so have a few things to say about that. If what I say in my books or on my website are anything of value to anyone else out there, then that's about perfect. I HOPE I can be a help. But I'm not saying do what I do, follow me, boys. I have no other vested interests besides wishing each and every person the clarity to live their lives consciously, and to see the results of such awake living. Personally, I find it pretty astonishing. Can't help telling everyone how wonderful it is. That's all.

My boy is a faggot. Queer as a three dollar bill. He's effeminate and girlie. But I love him because he's my boy. I cannot understand those parents who disown their children because of sexual orientation. My boy probably needs even more love than a "normal, well adjusted" heterosexual child. The world is a confusing place for my son, and I am going to help him navigate his way through it. Parents, teachers and ministers should preach tolerance and understanding.

Hear hear.

We've been saving for our retirement, but with the whole Enron fiasco and Polaroid going bankrupt, I'm afraid for our 401k's. Should we get that money out of there?

Sheesh, you have lunch just one day with Alan Greenspan and the whole world thinks you're an expert! Retirement funds? Me? What do I know?

The Olympics are coming up. Are you excited?

But of course. Bring 'em on, no matter how spectacular or weird or tragic or triumphant they are. I will watch it all.

Is Team Canada going to win the gold medal in hockey?

You know, I believe they are. Should be a terrific tournament.

My wife and I made a homemade sex tape and I found out she has showed it to several of her girlfriends. I'm not very well endowed and now these women are making jokes about my size. I'm embarrassed and am having erectile dysfunction. Any ideas?

I can only suppose you have discussed this with your wife. What did she say? How is she helping you to cope? There are also sex therapists who could help. There are drugs that could help. There is help. Avail yourself of it. Sex should be fun, not worrisome.

How many sex questions do you get a week?

Sex is by far the most frequent topic among the questions asked.

Why are all Canadians so polite?

Uh, pardon me, but we want to know why the other people of the world aren't.

I hated my job but I can't believe I just got fired! My wife will kill me. How do you lessen this kind of news?

Just tell your wife, and then become proactive. Look, you hated your job, so see this as an opportunity to get into something you want to do. Maybe later, down the road, you'll see this firing as the best thing that ever happened to you job-wise.

I got herpes from this chick. Is this going to be with me for the rest of my life?

I'm not a doctor but, yes?

My wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love her dearly. The only problem is I'm extremely jealous, and this makes me not trust her. It's eroding our relationship. How do I not be jealous?

If you can't trust her, there is little hope that your jealousy will not consume you. Project this down the road. Do you see yourself alone? Are you going to drive her away? Do irreparable harm to your relationship? Is that what you want? If not, get to the root of your lack of trust. Work through this and help both yourself and your wife. Love conquers all, dude.

Do you get all crabby like my husband when you get a cold?

How dare you ask such a question! How dare you accuse me of being in less than a balanced mental state when ill! How dare you... Tee hee. Yeah, I can be a handful.

I got a diamond engagement ring and it's just beautiful. Trouble is, my husband-to-be wants one also! What do you think of that? I think it's weird. Plus, I can't afford it.

Sounds less than traditional but perfectly reasonable to me. A marriage should be equitable. I'm sorry you can't see the logic in that.

Given the nature of your book Write About Dogs, why don't you talk more about animal activism on your site?

I guess that my position on this is so clearly stated in the book, that proselytizing on the subject seems redundant. It's the same with the lottery actually. Though I will answer direct questions about either, I'm not about to sit here and say "do this" or "do that". Both books are very clear about how I feel about both subjects. The real question is (after reading the books): How do you feel about them?

We're just about to lose our house because my wife and I both lost our jobs. Will you give us about $50,000?

No. What I can give you are tools that can help you help yourselves. Are you interested in those? Hello?

If you met William Shakespeare today, what would you say to him?

Nice outfit, Will.
How can you tell when Q&A 5 is too long and you need to make a 6?

When enough people write in and tell me it is taking forever to download. Remember, we're on a cable modem here, so speed is relative. If 5 is too long, tell me.

Do you think of yourself more as a teacher or writer or webmaster?

I am all that and more. I am also a nice guy, an educated man, a talented artist and a tireless cheerleader for my fellow man. I am a lover of animals and personal freedom. I believe in myself, my good intentions and my abilities to change. I have great faith in the environment, this living planet and all that that implies. I even believe in you, your capabilities, your dreams and your personal commitment to living a good life while respecting all that comprises your personal world. Saaay, how do you think of yourself?

Our family has just found out that my sister is running an Internet porn site. Worse, she is the feature star and now everyone in our family has seen her having sex. She says she won't quit. The whole family is disgusted. How can we pull the plug on this family nightmare?

Hey Mr. Pious, sex isn't disgusting. Obviously that's your personal belief, but it's not shared by her. That's the nature of personal beliefs - they're personal. She's living her own life, leave her alone if you can't live with how she is living it. And stop visiting the site. Yeah yeah, I'll bet you went there just once.

We're in the same boat, about our sister being in porn. Why is it so wrong that we want her out of it?

Why is it so wrong (according to you), that she is in it? See these are your ideas, not shared by her, that you are attempting to impose upon her. Look, if she wants out, then help her. But if she doesn't want out, then leave her alone. Just like she is letting you live your life, you let her live hers.

Everyone, please, listen to yourselves. It's fine to talk and discuss and share your opinions with those about whom you're concerned, but it is not fine to harangue them and be judgmental and pious and impose all that upon them. We each have our own ideas about what we're doing with our lives. Respect that (even if you don't like it).

We live in Portland, Maine. That's about 4,000 miles on the other side of the continent from where you live. Everything here is so small and isolated that I just bet my wife that you've probably never even met anyone from Portland, and that I'm likely the first person from Maine to ever contact you on your website. Who's right?

Your wife has won this one, Casco Bay breath. It just so happens that I have a most dear friend from Portland. If you count the fact that I know his family too, then I know like a bunch of people from Portland. What can I say, I've been known to get around.

You said in KeithSpeak that you're going to the Olympics, so what will you do with the website that week? Are you going to post from Salt Lake?

No, the website will be dormant the week that I'm gone, the 17th to the 23rd. I'll tell you about it when I get back.

My mother is 72 but she looks like she is 92. Now she is talking about getting her face lifted because she overheard some unkind remarks about how old she looks. Is it safe for her to get a face lift?

You know, I just don't know. You would have to ask a plastic surgeon a question like that. Don't you think?

Are you excited about going to the Olympics?

Oh, I am. It will be a splendid experience.

I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Now there's something to aspire to.

Now that I'm an adult and can drink legally, I'm going to drink everything I can get my hands on. Just to show them. What do you think they'll say about that?

Um, our boy's a budding alcoholic?
Er, our son's an embarrassing lush?
Ah, our kid's a loser?

How come you never print my questions?! I've sent in a lot too!

They're never printed because they're racist. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

I told my husband I was going to win money in the lottery so I can finally leave him and start my life over. He laughed in my face. I am now more determined than ever. Please send me one copy of FOUND MONEY. Thank you.

That's the spirit! I think.

Have you gone back to any of your high school reunions?

Nope. You?

Yeah I did. And I ended up having sex with my old high school flame. And my wife caught us and my life has been a living hell ever since. I'll never go to another one of those.

That's the spirit! I think.

I just got done reading Q&A 1! It took me over an hour! I had to jump to the end here to see how far it goes. If there's 5 of these huge pages, you must have thousands of questions and answers! And I haven't even gone to KeithSpeak or KeithWorld yet! What a website! My question is whether you actually have enough original stuff to say? What if you run out?

Can't. It's an endless, infinite thing, my friend. It's called growth. And that means that sometimes even in spite of our most diligent efforts to prevent ourselves from doing so, we grow. We change. There is always something new out there. There will always be something to say about that.

What is the point of your website then?

I just answered this question the other week. All I'm saying on this site and in my books is that I am living a really terrific life, on purpose, and because of that, have something to say. Whether you find it relevant or not is actually the point of this site.

My son is skiing for Belarus in this Olympics. My boy won't win a medal, but when he returns home it will be like he has won gold. All of our townspeople are bursting with pride over Jakob. I am so happy to be here I cry constantly.

Bravo on your beautiful attitude! Congratulations on your son's achievement at being an Olympian. Though there are billions of us watching, there are only 2500 athletes; he is special indeed. May you take back to Belarus the indelible memories of watching your son ski in the 19th Olympic Winter Games.

I'm a heavy bettor. My wife says it's a compulsion, but I like the image. I like who that betting guy is. I tell her all the time that with this game, you win some, you lose some, you know?

We all do what we do. I can't say what that is for you, your wife, your lives together. Only the two of you can say what that is, and what kind of life it presents for you together.

It's pleasing to me to have a wife and two mistresses. If I were the king of the world, I would decree that that be the standard arrangement between men and all women. What is your stand on this?

What are you talking about? My stand on your idea of adultery if you were the king of the world? Are you kidding? No, no, wait. Ok, um, my stand is to kill the king. Yeah, we all rise up and kill the king. Take that.

Can I make a lot of money as a writer?

Sure. You can also starve as a writer.

So, should I go into writing?

Um, ok, what the heck. No, wait, better not. Ah, I can't decide. What do you think?

I think I should.

Well there you go.

I met you on the plane last week (I was the woman sitting to your left out of Seattle. Remember me?). Anyway, I came to check out your website and I must say that in person you're more low key than I would have guessed (at least after reading some of your more outrageous stuff here!). Do a lot of people who meet you say that?

Gee, I don't know what other people say about me... Why, what have you heard?
I went to a psychic and she told me that I was going to get pregnant this summer! I don't want that! How can I prevent this from happening?

Don't have sex? Use contraceptives? Put little to no faith in the psychic's predictions?

I'm making the big money now. I got a promotion and am in charge of over a hundred people. Only problem is my family life is suffering because I have to give so much to work. How do you maintain a balance between too much work and your family?

It's called quality of life. Only you can determine what that means for you. Project your life down the road. Do you see things getting better in the next few years, or worse? How does that make you feel? You can change your life at any moment. It's all up to you.

My husband is of Arab heritage. He now feels uncomfortable in the U.S. He says he wants to move to Europe to raise our children in a more tolerant place. I don't want to leave my home in Georgia. How do we compromise on this?

Georgia is a known quantity for you, so you're holding onto the familiar and comfortable. Only problem is, you are the one who is comfortable there, not your husband. If you don't try and help make his life better too, then your marriage becomes an either/or proposition. The choice is yours.

My girlfriend is a bed hopping slut. She makes me crazy with the fact that she will sleep with anybody. I love her, but it's tearing me up. She doesn't even try and hide it from me! She says it's just a phase she's going through. Is that possible? Is she lying to me?

Uh, yes? No? Beats me.

I want to make more money than Donald Trump. I'm a hard worker who has lots of good ideas. All I need is a little encouragement. Can you give me some?

Pursue your dreams because you are the only one who can. You will naturally follow your self-designated path if you maintain your focus and intent. Be vigilant, be adaptable, be true (to yourself; to your dreams). And remember, getting there is the best part.

Should I contribute to my RRSP or blow the money on a trip to Vegas?

Let's see...have fun now or when you're 65...decisions decisions.

I think you used to be nicer. It seems that your answers lately have been sharper and less understanding. What gives?

Yeah, it seems that the last few months I have been getting a lot of the same questions over and over. It's hard to remain fresh at the expense of repeating myself, so I suppose I get cynical, and then flip in my answers. I dunno, maybe this is a sign to suspend the Q&As? I'm going to have to think about this.

If you stop doing the Q&As would you do something else? I would hate to lose a section of original content and not have it replaced with more original content. I don't think you write enough as is already. Thanks.

Yeah, I don't know. It's been a hectic time since my return from the Olympics and I haven't really had the proper space to sit down and decide what to do about this issue. I will obviously keep y'all informed as to the fate of the Q&As. Please stay tuned.

I have sent in three questions in the last few days and you haven't answered any of them. Are the questions starting to pile up (I hope, I hope)?

Indeed they are. Good plan. Quickly, your 3 answers:
There was one time that happened but I can't go into details because the records were sealed and a gag ordered issued;
I have often thought about doing that...Why, have you attempted it? Were you successful? Was anyone injured?

I have an idea. Why don't you just answer questions on a weekly basis instead of everyday? Heck, it's called The Weekly Q&A anyway! Then you won't get so tired of dealing with the same questions over and over - and you won't stop writing this column.

Now, there's a thought.

My dog will only eat human food. He shuns all canned and dry dog food. How do I get him to eat Purina? (We can't keep cooking for him!)

(Why not?!)

What do you think of the Dave Letterman/Ted Koppel feud?

Actually, I don't think about it at all.

That Russell Crowe is a brutish lout. I sure wouldn't give him an Academy Award for his bad behavior.

I may be wrong, but I think they give people Academy Awards for their screen acting.

My husband and I were driving down 101 when we saw our step daughter hitchhiking in hot pants and a crop top. We yanked her into the car and asked her what the hell she was doing. She said she was just having some fun! My husband almost beat the hell out of her then and there. This girl is a wild child and we are at our wits end. We can't handle her anymore, what should we do?

Almost beat the hell out of her? Maybe she's on the road to get away from you and your abusive husband? Might I suggest some family counseling?

I am 16 and I ordered one of those Internet gadgets that can increase penis length, only something has gone wrong and my penis hurts all the time from using it. The good news is I think it's longer. Should I keep up with the program?

Son, get thee to a doctor. Make sure you have not done any damage to your organ, then throw away the gadget. There is no way you will become bigger from a device. Do you hear me? N o w a y.

I have really enjoyed my efforts spent self-examining my life. I only started doing this after reading your book FOUND MONEY. Now I take full responsibility for things. So there's another message in that book besides winning the lottery. Thanks for the push in the right direction.

No, thank you for being pushed.

If I throw a light skipper on a flat lake, I can bounce it 17 times or more. I have the perfect wrist flip. I am the world's greatest stone skipper. Ask me how it feels to be world champion? Go on.

Haw, not that I haven't heard that claim before!

Do you answer all your mail? Even the mail you don't print here in the Q&A?

All mail is answered. If you write to us, you will get a reply.

How is your dog, Anna, doing?

Anna has aged a lot in the six months since Jack has died. She is her old self in some ways and different in others. But then who isn't?

All things being equal, should I take a job that I have to commute an hour each way with that pays more money, or one that is closer to home but less lucrative?

You're asking me? You're the one who has to sit in a car for two hours a day or you're the one who has to work for less money to avoid doing so, so, why would you ask me? Seems like you should be asking yourself. Here's how: sit down in a quiet place and close your eyes and imagine, project, years down the road. Do it with each job. Will the driving eventually get to you? Or will it be galling to work for less money than you know someone else was willing to pay you? All things being equal, one of these prospects should feel better than the other.

I read your novel Write About Dogs and found it immensely entertaining. Did all that stuff really happen?

Sorta. It's a fictionalized account of real life events. So all of that really did happen, but not really. See, novels are like magic tricks - you know they aren't real, but it sure seems real. Same thing here.

I love wearing thongs! They make me feel sexy and don't show any panty lines. To tell the truth, I've actually been toying with the idea of wearing no underwear at all. Any thoughts on this?

I can't really make up my mind. Perhaps you ought to send in some pictures, you know, to help with the decision making process. Tee hee.

Addendum: Ok, I should know better by now... I was kidding about the pictures, people (that's what the tee hee part meant). As of now, you can stop sending in photos of yourself, your wife, or your girlfriend in a thong, lovely as they may be. Ok?

(yawn) I hate all this and I'm bored. Is there any more to life than death and taxes?

Uh, yeah. Girl, you sound a bit depressed, maybe a tad nihilistic, definitely someone who dresses in dark colors. Saaay, ever thought about chatting with someone, you know, professional? Why would I suggest such a thing? Honey, there's everything under the sun out there, but you're standing in the shade.

When you die, do you go to a real Heaven?

You know, I wouldn't focus so much on the locale, as I would the fact that you do go on.

A long time ago I robbed a bank. I never got caught. I went straight, got married and we been livin' off the money all these years. But we're almost out. I'm thinking about robbin' another bank. My wife says it's a stupid plan. But like I told her, I'm one for one, so how stupid can I be?

Yeow, man, that's Letter of the Month stuff. Ok, here's what you don't do: resort to crime. If you get caught, you're hooped. My suggestion? There are lots of ways to make legitimate money. Find one. Live happily ever after. The end.

I'm not very smart, and I married an alcoholic who abuses me. And I'm not what you would call pretty, I'm very average. For someone like me, can you suggest something maybe I wouldn't think of to do to help myself be better?

You have a good attitude. And you are already doing it. Bringing about change. You are examining your situation, accepting responsibility for it, and looking for a way to change it. That's the start of altering any life circumstance - a dissatisfaction of and realization with the fact that you do not want to keep perpetuating the current life you are living. As you shed the past, you must discern your goals ahead. You must create new goals. Where do you want to go from here? Who do you want to be? What kind of life would you like to live? Do you understand? Define these things and then set them as your personal goals, and you will create your own path to them. You are doing good work. I congratulate you on your efforts and urge you onward.

Can there be a successful loveless marriage?

I guess it depends on how you define successful. Sounds like a dreary prospect though.

I think Russell Crowe got robbed at the Academy Awards. They gave it to Denzel Washington because of all the negative campaigning that the studios did. 'A Beautiful Mind' should have swept the Awards. I'm still angry about it.

I can see that.

I liked it when you used to say "Now people, people..." and then you would explain something simple, funny. But you don't do that much anymore.

I don't know what to say to that.

What ever did you finally decide to do with the Q&As? I see they're still being added to.

I didn't do anything about them. They just keep going on and on. Wait a minute, that's just what you said.

I just want you to know that I saw 'Training Day' with Denzel Washington and he was goooood. I mean tasty. He definitely deserved to win the Academy Award over Russell Crowe.

And with that rebuttal I now declare over the Who-Should-Have-Gotten-the-Best-Actor-Oscar debate. Congratulations Denzel. Congratulations Russell. You guys acted your little pants off.

Talk some trash to me.

Ok. Your Mama.

Don't be talking 'bout my Mama!


Why would you even publish the above exchange?

Your Mama too.

How dare you!

Your Mama was so big that she-

Now stop it! Right this second!


What's with the foam that forms on the water in the hot tub?

Dirty water, darling. Change the hot tub water and the foam will disappear.

I love my dog more than anything in the world. She gives me everything that the men in my life haven't - unconditional love. I love her for that. And the fact that she is so cute and furry. That's not really a question but I thought you would appreciate my expressing these sentiments.

And so I do. It's neat that you have such a tight relationship based on mutual love. Isn't that the exact thing we are all looking for?
You're not going to believe this but I'm in love with my brother. He is four years older and a total dream boat. He doesn't know I love him even though I have been leaving hints all over the house (I put my sexiest panties in his laundry basket so he will come across them when he does his wash and think of me, stuff like that). Any other good ideas about how to get my hunk brother to love me too?

Man, what a planet. Sorry there, I'm pretty fresh out of good incestual ideas just now.

How do you know if the questions you get aren't fake ones?

I don't, but it doesn't matter. We answer all mail.

Here's the deal: suddenly my wife is horny as the devil and she had never been before. I'm not complaining, but should I suspect something?

You should suspect that for whatever reason, she has changed. Now you can get all crazy about the reason, or you can enjoy the new changes and reap the benefits. What do you think?

Here we go again. I think about sex all the time. I wrote you before about this and you replied but I threw out the e-mail and I don't remember what you said. So tell me again.

Well, it all depends.
Are you thinking about it because you're not having it? (sex hungry)
Are you having it and still find yourself constantly thinking about it? (sex crazed)
Are you having it, thinking about it, and then having more of it? (sex mad)
Or are you trying to stop having it and thinking about it altogether? (celibate)
See, it all depends.

I love reading your website! Is the Internet making you rich?

Only in things of the spirit. Which is a-ok by me.

Is there any possible way they can achieve peace in the Middle East?

Of course they can achieve peace. They're human beings. Human beings are capable of anything and everything.

How long does it usually take from the time you begin to visualize your goal to the time the goal actually manifests? I know it depends on an individual's belief but I'm curious as to how long it takes you.

I have had things manifest in weeks - and I have had things take years (in one case, fifteen years). I honestly put no time limits on it. If I want something, I keep at it until I achieve it. In other words, I'm not just doing it to get a result, I'm doing it because I want to be doing it.

Wow, you certainly have patience and perseverance to have waited 15 years for something to have manifested. (Did that finally manifest after visualizing every day for 15 years?)

The 15 year project was worked on virtually every day. But it was a multileveled goal and it had many moments of small but sure gains until I finally reached what I deemed was my intended achievement; not all manifestations happen like a bolt from the blue; they can just as easily be slow and gradual and build up over time.

I have to make an important decision. What's the best way to go about doing that?

Trust your gut - you cannot go wrong doing that. Use your intuition as opposed to your intellect. You will "feel" something one way or another with intuition, but the intellect uses rationale to justify the choice, which may or may not be in your best interest. Again, trust your gut - you cannot go wrong doing that.

Are you making headway in your attempt to change science from an objective discipline to a subjective one?

I'm in the vanguard, along with anybody else who thinks science stinks the way it is, built upon the sacrificed lives of countless lab animals. As if they aren't living, breathing, natural wonders, just like us. Screw that self-serving bullshit, and those who perpetuate that arrogance.

So that's the button to push with you, eh?

Seems so.

Congratulations, I see your Vancouver Canucks made it into the playoffs.

They did indeed. Bravo, boys. May the force be with you.

I'm going crazy about the fact that my daughter has turned down a college scholarship to join the Navy. I'm an old peacenik from way back. I told her the armed forces are all about killing other people you don't like for whatever reasons the government chooses. I can't stand the thought that she is going to be a part of this. Help, how do I talk her out of this?

You let her live her life, even if you can't stand it.

We're partying this weekend! Me and my buddy are going to Lake Havasu where the ladies get naked and the men watch 'em do it! Only trouble is my buddy's wife wants to come. She's a real pig and I don't want her on my boat. How do I ditch her so we can par-tee?

I'm sure you'll think of something. Next.

I'm sure if I had a million dollars my life would be better. I know you said that may not be true, but I want to find out for myself. I just wanted you to know I'm going to win a million.

Good attitude. Experience is worth everything. You have my best wishes.

Check this out: My boss walks by my cubicle and catches me reading KeithSpeak. He asks first if it's a porn site. Then he starts reading over my shoulder. Then he nudges me out of my chair so he can read more comfortably. He reads all of the current KeithSpeak and then goes back to last month's! Then he e-mails your URL to himself and leaves. Another fan!

I'm infecting upper management, cool!

I need to do something about this! To make a long story short, I covet this female friend of my wife's. She is gorgeous and hot and makes me giddy every time she comes over. I want to boink this babe so bad, I'm afraid to be left alone with her in the same room because I might not be able to stop myself from jumping her bones. My wife knows I have the hots for her friend and teases me about it. The friend, I don't think, knows of my lust and ardor. I must have sex with this woman! What do I do?

You got a bad jones there, pal. Lust and ardor...nasty. You're right, you need to do something, just don't do something stupid.

Duh! So what should I do?

How should I know. See, if you wanted me, then I could formulate a response because I am me; I know what I would say. But you want her. So how do I know what she'd say to that? How do I know what you'd say? How do I know what your wife would say? So yes, do something, just don't do something stupid - like lose control and force yourself upon her. Ruin your friendship. Ruin your marriage. Ruin your life. Get it?

I love fetish sex. Problem is my husband is straightlaced and doesn't have a clue I do this outside our marriage. So far, everything's worked out all right. My husband travels a lot and we live in a big city so there's plenty of opportunity to indulge my fetishes. My problem is that now I can only get off on my kind of sex. When my husband returns from his trips, he's all horny, but I am so not into it with him. What should I do about this problem?

Well lessee...You either broaden your marriage (tell your husband everything and invite him to try out your lifestyle in the hopes that he might want to open his horizons and join you), or you continue to ignore this part of your marriage (sex with your husband) and keep doing what you're doing for as long as you can stand doing it (with your husband), or you get out of your marriage so that you can participate in your lifestyle without any hindrances to it. Any of those sound good?

You have become really sarcastic and nasty with your remarks. I can't believe that people are still writing to you. You act like they're total idiots (which they might be, but come on, they're taking the time to write so don't put them down.)

Me, sarcastic? Well, I never! Huff huff!
I do appreciate your taking the time (and braving my pithy smart remarks) to tell me what you think. Feedback is always encouraged and appreciated. For everyone who feels this way, please keep in mind that this is an edited column. Often, only part of a Q&A is published. There's always more, and it's sincere as hell, but it's usually personal, and is not appropriate for publishing on the Web. The boldfaced truth is, everyone who writes to this website gets back a sincere response. Just like this one (which was, by the way, returned to me because you used a fake e-mail address).

How old should you be before you start chewing tobacco?

I'm not sure about that. What is the appropriate age to have brown stained teeth, gum ulcers and foul breath?

For years our group has been playing the lottery regularly and winning small to medium amounts. This week we added up all we've won over the years and we were shocked! It's a nice substantial sum of cash! And now I know why you called your book FOUND MONEY. Because it's over and above our paychecks, it feels exactly like finding money - legally.

Bingo. Obviously, you all involved have figured out a way to bring good fortune into your lives. I commend your efforts. Does that inspire anyone else out there?

In that previous question, did the collective consciousness of the group magnify their winning ways? As individuals, would they have won as much as they have together as a group?

The dynamic of this specific group, is of course unique to them. Their combined mind sets about winning collectively have obviously proven successful for them. Would the group mind set work for each individual to win on his or her own, without the group? I can't say. Only each man or woman comprising that group could tell you that.
I shaved my head and it looks real stupid. So my girlfriend got me a wig but that looks fake and I don't like gluing it to my head. In the meantime I'm wearing hats all the time. Wish me luck.


Our dog just died and our whole family feels awful about it. I'm sorry to say I now know how you felt when you lost Jack. I just didn't know that you miss them so much! How long do we have to grieve for?

You do it until you don't do it anymore, or it turns into something else. It's a natural process. It will reveal itself as you go through it. You have my sincere condolences upon losing a beloved member of your family.

My wife says that you are just her type - swarthy. Should I be jealous?


This is egregious! My wife wants to name our new baby Periwinkle! If it's a girl, she'll call her Peri for short; if it's a boy, she'll call him Wink! Wink! - like the stupid game show host! I find Periwinkle unacceptable! Can I sue her?

It's amazing how many problem letters I get about naming babies...
So you wanna sue your wife. Yes, well, all I can say to that is the naming of your child should not be a bone of contention between partners. It should be a joyous thing. Make it be so.

How many people write to you asking about coffee shops?


My question is should I buy this one for sale near my apartment? You're psychic, right?

What a coincidence! I just took my crystal ball to the cleaners! Imagine that. And of course, I can't predict a thing without it. Sorry.

Very funny. Ha ha. I need to know if this coffee shop is a good investment. I want to retire and hanging out in a coffee shop all day sounds like a good retirement to me. I almost got the dough to buy it, but I just can't tell if it's what I should do. So, what should I do?

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side list the reasons why it looks like a good idea, and on the other side, list the cons. Put down everything you can think of and then look closely at the list. Are there more pros than cons? If it looks like a good idea on paper, then it just might well be.

I have published three books and am considered a mid-list writer. Which means I haven't really made any money from it and it kind of pisses me off that someone like you, who writes a pop, new age book, makes the big money and lives happily ever after. Whoever said that life isn't fair was dead right.

Listen to you! You're making a life as a professional author - you have any idea how many people would kill for that kind of life? So you're not selling millions of books and getting rich, you ARE doing what you want to do. Gee, how much is that worth?

This is the sweetest site! What I like best is your philosophy about living a conscious life. It's funny that this site is all about you - "From the mind of one man" - but it's really a great resource for people to learn more about themselves. That's a good trick! I just want to say thanks for publishing on the Web.

I just want to say thanks for writing in.

My gross, old, fat, neighbour Wilma is coming on to me. The whole thing disgusts me. I only wish my other neighbour, Sheila was doing it. She's one fine bird. How can I discourage the one and attract the other?

Be up front. Tell Wilma it's never going to happen; tell Sheila it must.

I have been plagued by itchy skin ever since I was a teenager. I rash up easily; I break out a lot. I'm normally a jumpy fellow. I know this is not attractive to girls. Why am I so uncomfortable in my skin?

Is this a metaphor for your life? Do you find living your life a nerve wracking experience? Perhaps you might be better equipped to cope if you had some tools and strategies? Perhaps a psychologist could help you to feel more comfortable? It's entirely plausible that when you settle down, your skin will settle down.

I'm gonna make this short. Let's have sex, you and I. ASAP!

You bet! Oh, wait, my wife says for me to say I'm sorry and that I lost my head. My wife says to say thanks for the thoughtful offer though. And that I have to be going now.

I'm a barmaid and I see incredible stuff. Once there was this girl who threw up on her boyfriend and then the smell made him throw up and then it started a chain reaction throughout the place and a bunch of people threw up. The stench was nauseating. I have other stories. Where's the story part of your site?

Sorry, there is no story part to our site. You must have us confused with a site that has a story part. But that's not us. You know?

I see by the last couple of Q&As, you've been apologizing a lot. As in, I'm sorry for this and that. But are you really sorry?

Of course, I am. Why, what do you think?

Is the universe expanding or contracting?

Oh, I hope we're expanding. I think you want a bigger, fatter universe, don't you? Contracting doesn't sound good, does it? Getting a thinner, denser universe doesn't sound good, does it? I hope we're expanding.

Why don't you have discussion threads about your answers to these questions? Pick a topic and let people comment on it. Make this more interactive for all the lurkers out there.

That's an idea, but that's also another forum. This forum is for questions and answers. The one you're talking about isn't. Not that that wouldn't be a good forum, because feedback and opinion are great, but I don't see it happening, because I'd have to moderate it, and I already spend plenty o' time at my computer. But it's a good idea, thanks.

I'm having this terrible argument with my son! Will you please settle this for us? Is Cheez Whiz real food?

I feel like Bill Clinton. Uh, ma'am, could you please define 'real'? Do you mean real as in wholesome, natural, home grown, good for you goodness; or real as in injection molded, chemical fueled, artificially concocted and comes in a can but you put it in your body anyway? See, Cheez Whiz is real and at the same time totally unreal.

Awesome answer on the Cheez Whiz imbroglio, dude!

Thanks, but listen to you! Imbroglio, dude? I've never heard those words in conjunction before. You rock, man.

No, you are.

No, you are.

My new girlfriend was acting weird so I copied her apartment key and snuck in to go through her place and see what's going on. Oh man, I found out stuff that blew me away. She is really, really kinky. Major, creepy kinky. I'm breaking up with her. I would advise all boyfriends to go through their girlfriend's apartments and find out who they really are.

Good god, man, that is why you have a relationship with someone. So you can find out who they really are - and visa versa. Copying keys and prowling through her place is just criminal and creepy. I would advise no one to copy anybody's keys and break into their apartment. That's stalker mentality, man. Get a grip.

Is white bread really that bad for you?

Some people say it will kill you; some people say it grows strong bones and healthy bodies. Which do you believe? As always, the decision is yours.

How much time do you spend on the Internet every day?

A minimum of 3 hours and often an entire day. When you're an Internet based company, you're pretty much online constantly.

If you think about your life every day, when do you have time to do anything else?

Life is an exquisite balancing act. Sometimes you work introspectively and mentally, and sometimes you work outside, literally and figuratively. My point? Just pay attention to what you're doing, regardless of what you're doing. That way you'll see everything. And your focus will allow you to experience it more fully.

And seeing is believing, huh?

No, seeing is understanding. You do it through self-examination. When you see something as it really is, then you realize that you own it, you control it. You can continue to perpetuate the situation (by continuing to do just what you're doing), or change it (by deliberately doing so). You can do this because you understand why the situation is as it is. You understand it because you have seen it.

We saw just a terrible movie last night. How can Hollywood, in all good conscience, spend 20 million and make a piece of garbage like that?

I know, it stinks, eh? But Hollywood is just guessing at what their audience would like. Sometimes they guess horribly wrong, and they birth a genuine stinker. What's worse is they actually release the bomb on the public in the slim hopes that bad publicity will attract an audience - and not raise too much enmity against the people that made the film (so that they can, of course, continue to make more). And like with any other business (or life) decision, about a million more other things are relevant as to why something happens, like that movie appearing at your Cineplex, and you going to it. Just know that's two hours of your life you'll never get back, and trudge on.

Do the rich think differently than thee and me? I'm bothered by this.

About money? Yes and no. You'd think being rich would mean thinking about money less, but it can also be just the opposite; because once you have some, you don't want to lose it. So money can still be worried about, even by the wealthy. But it's also true that money can bring with it a sense of entitlement and privilege, so much so that the owner of the stash may think more highly of himself than those with whom he co-mingles, and be totally unaware of that fact that they despise him for it; while he, of course, just thinks every one is jealous of his riches. Where was I? Long answer, jeez. So if you don't like being on the short end of the rich stick, so to speak, then become one of the haves. Make it a priority to become wealthy. Yes - think differently (than you do now). Reorder your beliefs and intentions and make it happen. Because you can. If that's what you want to do, switch places like that. Ok, I'm done.

I saw The Sound Of Music for the first time and I have to say that Julie Andrews was hot! And recently I've seen her on Entertainment Tonight and I must say she is one nicely preserved mature woman. Hot! if you know what I mean.

Ed Grimley, is that you? But I jest. Yes, well, there are many Julie Andrews fans all over the world. You have joined a proud group. Go forth with your brethren in admiration. Ok, bye now.

This is for the Julie Andrews fan: You can see her breasts in some movie she did, I forget the name, but they're perfect breasts! You should go rent it.

Now now boys, remember, she's like 65 years old, and you lads, well, you sound young. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

We buy only the best. That's the way it has always been around here. Our reputation has been made on this very fact. Though it's expensive in the beginning, it certainly pays off in the long run. That's what I'd advise any businessman to do. Stake out the high ground. In some ways it seems to me that that's what you've done here. Thank you.

No, thank you.

I hate the fact that I'm becoming my mother. I even yell at my kids the same way. I guess I should just except it. But it's icky.

You're not your mother. You may act like your mother, but you are not her. So, given the fact that you are you, I feel certain that you can be like her in ways that you want, and be unlike her in ways that you also want. See? You can be you, not her.
There's too much printed matter in the world - and now the Internet! At least trees aren't being killed in the digital world. Still, there is way too much printed matter. You're contributing to the problem.

Hey man, it's just reading and writing. You want that to be ubiquitous in society. You want everyone to be able to read and write. You want quantity. Because that precipitates diversity. And diverse expression is a hallmark of an open society. Personally, I have to disagree with you. I see nothing wrong with using the language. 'Course I'm an author and publisher. Duh.

We went out to Disneyland for vacation and my little sister got completely undone by the human sized Mickey Mouse and Goofy. She freaked out so much we had to leave the Park (without doing a single thing!) and it ruined our vacation. Now my Dad is suing Disneyland. He says giant Mickeys are harmful. The whole thing is pretty much a nightmare. I was just wondering, have you ever been to Disneyland? Is it as fun as they say?

Yes, I have. It was ok.
It's difficult to look forward to something and then be disappointed. But lost in your disappointment, compounded by your father's litigious nature, is the fact that your little sister was scared, and the family left the place that was scaring her. That's all that happened, really. It's a good thing that you helped your little sister be unafraid. Think about the positive effect upon her instead of the negative one upon you. And forget your father's lawsuit - the courts soon will. And lastly, a tip: prepare yourselves - she might not like Halloween much either.

I drink too much, but it blocks out how crummy my life really is. I want to know if taking drugs is better than drinking, because I think drinking is killing me. Thanks.

Alcohol, like any other recreational drug, is a way to alter consciousness. Altering your consciousness is a way to perceive the world differently. We all want to do that, but in your case, you are doing it to "escape" your life, not augment it. I suggest you look at that, your life - the source of your discontentment - instead of throwing something else against the wall to see if it sticks better.

I buy your lottery book through Amazon Japan. I read with bad English. You are Canadian knowing what Japanese man wants. How is so?

We are all the same, my friend. Cultures aside, we are both fellow humans living a life here and now. It's not guesswork that I know you and you know me.

I am a wise man, but perhaps you are wiser?

Awww, go on you.

What sounds does a butterfly make?

I hear the sounds of silence, but to an aphid it sounds like a 747 coming in for a landing. Why, what do you hear?

ANNOUNCEMENT: I've just made an executive decision: no more Zen-like questions. To be frank, they're a pain in the ass to answer and of little benefit to the general group at large, so decree I. Ok, so for those reasons and others, with no offense meant toward anybody's god or you know, whatever, but they're history, the Zen questions, so no point in sending 'em in, ok? Oh boy, that's done. Danke schoen.

I couldn't find your book FOUND MONEY on Amazon.co.uk. Don't you sell it in England? Wasn't it on there before?

It was when we used to sell the soft cover of the book. Now it is only available as a download from this site. Check out Our Books.

I caught my wife cheating on me. We got divorced over it. That was four years ago. Now I find myself being attracted to her again. If we started up, we could end up getting married again. I don't know if I could face being a two time loser with the same woman. Is that pathetic or is it just the nature of love?

Could be both, could be neither. You have a history together, use it. If you're going to try again, dance a different dance this time around. Make this relationship be more than it was before - not the same, and certainly not less.

Are you a romantic?

I don't believe so. That's not to say I'm anti-romance or something, but it doesn't play a big part in my life.

Why doesn't somebody make a penile implant for length and girth? That would be a best seller, you know. They got them for breasts. We can send men to the moon. How come nothing to increase inadequate endowment?

Don't know. But then I'm a publisher, not a doctor. Have you asked a doctor these questions? I'll bet they'd know.

What is a male bimbo? Because my husband is one.

A bimba?

He can't keep his hands to himself or his pants on.

A bimbina?

He'll shag anything with a dress - including my mother! What do you call that kind of behaviour?!

Charming, I'm sure.

But I love him so I allow his little indiscretions. He's still a bimbo, but he's my bimbo.

Gotta love dat man o' mine.

I'm in my late 60s and I have to admit that I'm really scared of dying. Can you tell me anything that might help me cope better?

Your personality, your consciousness, they do go on, even though your current physical body does not. This means that you are still you (in other realities, after you die), just like you are you right here and now (you're just not 6 feet tall and weigh so many pounds).

This is trouble: my girlfriend has gone over to the dark side. She's turned into this goth chick. It's all black all the time. She has gotten 3 new piercings. Her new friends are all just like her. I don't get it. What happened?

Have you asked her? What did she say? Really, she's the only person who can help you with the questions you ask.

I've turned into a golfaholic. I love this game. Only problem is my wife hates it. She thinks golf is elite and exclusionary. I've tried telling her that Tiger has changed everything and it's not like that anymore. Now you tell her.

You know what, guys? It's a game. You can make that as heavy or as light as you want.

What will happen if India and Pakistan drop nuclear bombs on each other?

Doom on a large scale, all the result of the stupidity and arrogance of man. Lovely prospect, eh?

My one brother worked in the wood industry in Canada until he got laid off due to the punitive softwood taxes from the U.S.; my other brother worked in the steel industry in Japan and he too lost his job when the U.S. issued their protectionist tariffs against international steel imports. I'm American and I hate George Bush for isolating America even more than it was before. We need to join the world, not pull away from it.

You know what? I couldn't agree with you more.

Is cocaine really that bad for you? I've tried it and I like it, but a lot of my friends are giving me grief for it. What do you think?

I think that you make the choices you do based on what you tell yourself. So, what are you telling yourself?

I'm only 13 but I think I'm psychic. I can kind of predict stuff. Is this a rare gift? Am I special for it?

Sweetie, everyone is special. And everyone is psychic. We are all, however, at different developmental levels. I would surely encourage you to pursue your inner abilities if for no other reason than personal growth.

On the Internet I've noticed your book FOUND MONEY gets either a one star review or a five star review. There is nothing in the middle. How come?

The premise of the book is that you consciously create your own life (whether you believe you do or not). If that premise is irrelevant or counter to a reader's belief system, then the book too will be irrelevant - hence one star. If, however, the book is confluent with how a reader thinks about their life, and/or is open to the possibility of achieving things they desire, then my explaining how to use that same belief system to win money in the lottery has great significance - and thus warrants five stars.

Can you predict the future?

Nah. But I can easily shape my future and create my future and know that I'm doing that as I do it. Hell, to me that's much better than merely predicting it and then standing idly by to see if the prediction comes true (and then blaming "the fates" if it fails or "praising Jesus" if it succeeds - as if you had nothing to do with it).

For my 16th birthday my parents just bought me a brand new Mustang convertible. I love the car, it's exactly what I wanted, the only problem is...it's white. I wanted a red one. I'm embarrassed to be seen in this now. It looks like a giant refrigerator. Should I tell my parents to take it back and get me a red one?

If that's what you really want, Princess.

I can't believe this. Talk about your stupid criminals. My boyfriend boosts 55 cases of designer water. Water! What the hell are we gonna do with water? Who wants to pay for that when it's free?! So of course he can't fence the stuff so it's sitting all over our apartment taking up all the space. It looks like a warehouse in here. It'll take ten years to drink all this! I'll be bloated for a decade. I've told him to get out of crime 'cause he's too stupid for it. I'm having a bad day. Just had to tell someone.


My boyfriend and I live together but he's a real pig and never cleans up after himself. I like things tidy and everything put away in its rightful place. Also, his friends come over and mess the house up real bad and then leave. I feel like the maid.

Boyfriends, you can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. Wait a minute, yes you can.

Is it fair to expect that a person must live a righteous life to gain entrance into heaven? What other criteria do you think one should focus upon to make sure entrance is gained? What about virtue? Thanks.

There is afterlife, but there are no gates to it. What you do in this life matters, yes, but it is not any kind of ticket to making it beyond life - that's automatic. So quit trying to fulfill some self-designated entrance criteria and focus upon what you can to make your life rewarding while you're here. You can do that purposefully and consciously. And when you do, you'll find that you are living heaven on Earth. And that you don't have to die to achieve bliss, fulfillment or love. Now that's a neat trick. Much better than sitting on some cloud forever.

Is there more to life than what is evident? In other words, are there things we can't see, hear, smell or touch that exist? And if we can't recognize them, how can they exist for us?

Infinite worlds exist outside our human 'frequency' or 'bandwidth'. But you know what? Interesting though that may be, it's the malleable and alterable within our reality that make our lives so incredible.

I can't live with this much longer! I married a Latin man and he is so jealous that it is driving me crazy. He is suspicious of all my male co-workers, especially my boss. My husband accuses me of infidelity every day. He says I go to work just to get laid. This is driving me nuts, I'm ready to leave him over this, what can I do?

Tell him exactly what you just told me. If he can't get to the root of his jealousy and modify his behavior, then it's up to you to either go on living with it or follow up on your statement that you're ready to leave him over it.

My uncle is rich and I know I'm in his will. I'm sort of sorry for saying this but I wish he would die so I could get my hands on the loot that's coming to me. I feel like my life is on hold with every breath the old guy takes. With your method can't I send out strong thoughts to have him kick so I can receive my inheritance?

So you wanna send out death thoughts in the hopes of killing the man who wants to give you a gift. Charming, dude. Ugly too. Nothing pretty about greed, huh? All I can say is he's going to die when he dies regardless of how quickly you want him to do it.

What are you concerned about?

Runaway science, American aggression in the name of terrorism, animal abuse and vivisection. I am concerned for the inequities of nations, the shallowness and baser interests of the media at large, the lust for complete capitalism, and the corresponding reverence for the all mighty dollar. I am concerned for mankind, as a collective group of souls looking for love and unity but more often exhibiting protectionism and bigotry, jingoism and misanthropy. I am concerned that there is not enough love in this world.

I was wondering if you could tell me which would be more fulfilling - a rich guy with a little thingy, or a poor husband with a super long thingy.

Thankfully no, I couldn't tell you.

Is it true that Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan are gay but not with each other?

Golly, why would I know anything about the sex lives of these two world famous celebrity athletes whom I have never met, hung around with, or watched have sex?

Isn't there a connection between our dreams and our waking lives?

Yes, and it's the same as the connection between your lungs and the air you breathe.

Please, call me Lola. I met Van Morrison and he's a shrimp! A real little bugger. But I love his music so I was willing to overlook his shortcomings. That's a pun. I love your site. By the way, you're not little are you?

Lola, Lola, Lola, you have so much going on in those few sentences that I don't even know where to begin. So I won't.

You need to redesign FOUND MONEY to look more attractive. Your price points are good, but you need to visually enhance your products.

Sure, ok, but what about the content? What about that?

I'm a book store buyer - trust me - it's how you look, not what you say. Although in this case I liked what you said. Again, trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Spiff up your products, you could sell a million.

Sure, ok, but what if I'm happy with the way things are?

Then you'd be the first person in the world to feel that way.

Now that just makes me sad.

Me too.

Well, thank you for your comments. Sigh.

I think that Lola is hot. Maybe you could pass her e-mail address on to me 'cause she sounds like the crazy kind of babe I like. Plus, I'm tall!

I'm sorry, you must have us confused with the Keith Ryan Publishing Matchmaking Service. An honest mistake. Oh well.

I've made an honest man out of my husband. Now I find him boring. How can I change him back to his formerly shady self?

Tempt him.

I used to be a fat failure (in my eyes). But thanks to your book, I see that I have worth! For three months now I have been treating myself with respect and it has paid off. I'm losing weight but more importantly I feel proud of myself for stuff I do instead of beating myself up because I'm no good at anything. I have turned my life around and that in no small part is due to your book. Thanks!

No, thank you. And my best wishes for your continued personal success.

You going on vacation this year? If so, where?

No, not going anywhere. Wait a minute, I am taking a small trip this July 4th long weekend, but that's not really a vacation, more of a holiday - which in Europe and Canada is a vacation. Now I'm really confused. What was the question?

Is there a God?

For every single one of us, there is something or there is nothing, but that is for each of us to decide. How is it for you?

I love ice cream more than anything in the world. My best flavor is vanilla. What is yours?

Dontcha know it, I like them all. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "Ice cream, ummmmmmm."

In the worst way I want to be rich. It's pissing me off that I'm constantly broke and in debt. Is this a good starting point to doing your program?

Sure, it's as good as any other impetus to change your life. But there is no program of mine. I'm just pointing out things that already are. You find it relevant for me to do that or you don't. But there is no program.

I saw you in the Minneapolis airport last week! You walked right by me. You remember a guy eating nachos by the magnetometer in the A concourse?

Was that you?! Well I'll be.

My ex-boyfriend, who is white, calls me, who is black, 'Brown Sugar'. I hate it. Even though we don't date anymore, he won't stop it. So I'm looking for a lawyer to sue his ass for some character defamation. You're not a lawyer, are you? I have a good case here.

No, sadly, I can't take up your cause. Hey, I have an idea: Why don't you just completely forget about this ex-boyfriend using a nickname you hate and uh, gee, I dunno, get on with your life?

I'm going crazy! It's my horrible wife! I should NEVER have married her! Help?

Yellow pages. Lawyers. Call one, say "divorce", they'll take it from there.

Are you still going to keep the pictures of both your dogs on the site, even though they've passed on?

You know, I am. Until we get other dogs, and I post their pictures, the Jack and Anna photos will remain up on the site.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your company's Internet experience?

A nice and lush 7.5. I'm sure I could push it to a 9 just as easily as I could let it drop to 4.
On a baseball bat it's called the sweet spot.

I am sure aliens are here. I am just as sure my landlady is one of them. I have seen her, in the dead middle of the night, wearing an antenna like thing on her head and talking gibberish. (She says she's Polish but her accent is like no Polish accent I've ever heard.) But the kicker is she only has 4 fingers on her left hand and she uses that hand like a pincher. That is soooo alien. Who do I report her to?

Ok, lessee, to whom do you report your alien lobster woman landlady? That is such a good question! I dunno, Interpol?

Hi! This is Ingrid! I am from Finland but I am moving to Canada. Perhaps we can meet over coffee. Write me back and show me where you are. I come to your site every day. Soon, I come to you.

Ingrid, woo doggie, that sounds like trouble. I'm sure you're a lovely person, and I'm sure that Canada is fortunate to have you, but I'm not too keen on getting together. Nothing personal. I hope you understand. Thanks for the invite though.

Are we going to survive the next nuclear attack?

Boy, I hope so. Don't you?

My son is the most brilliant person in the world! But he is always with the wrong kind of girl. He is attracted to dangerous girls. I have told him this is not the best thing for him, that he should find a sweet, naive girl and settle down. But he won't. What's wrong with him? How can someone so smart be so stupid?

Obviously, your idea of female companionship (for him) is different than his. What's wrong with that? After all, you're you and he's him; that's two different people with two different ideas. Makes sense to me. Doesn't it to you?

Do you think it is possible to marry outside of one's race and not have conflict over it? My family is busting my chops about this very issue.

We are all human beings; we are all the same. Our differences are material and cultural and ideological. But love transcends those, as well as the color of one's skin or the belief in one's god. If you have made a connection with another soul who is of a different race, don't you think the race thing is secondary to the connection thing? Whether Aunt Mary approves of it or not? I sure do.

I just read about you on a Yahoo message board. I like your site. You're actually pretty funny. I just wondered, did you get a lot of referrals from Yahoo lately?

You know, we did. Isn't that nice? To you and everyone else who found their way to this site, I say welcome. I'm just sorry that y'all missed the Newcomer New Car Give-Away that we were running the whole of last week. It was just a little contest where we gave away brand new cars to every single person who arrived at the home page of Keith Ryan Publishing for the first time - just like you did today. Only that's over now. But hey, welcome anyway ok?

Zero equals zero and that is what my boyfriend is, but even he's still better than nothing. I do not want to be out on the dating scene right now. It's like the whole world spawned a generation of losers about 18 years ago, so I might be miserable but I'm going to hang onto what I've got, just because he's better than nothing.

That's sad, you know? There are billions of people in the world, so hooking up with one you don't particularly like or respect makes absolutely no sense to me. That's self-defeating, isn't it? Surely you want more from your love life than that, eh? Give yourself some credit. Look for love, don't settle for convenience.

My friend wants me to do his wife - in front of him, while he watches and wanks. Is this a fool's errand or what?

It's pretty straightforward, man. You've been invited. If you have a problem with the arrangements, then perhaps you're not the right man for the job.

I love the way that you're not judgmental! But I want to know what your morals are.

I have an innate respect for all things living.

Here we go again! My brother got his stupid karaoke machine fixed! If he sings You Light Up My Life one more time I will scream! Who invented this stupid machine?! What an idiot!

May I quote?
Filipino businessman Roberto del Rosario, inventor of the sing-along system (SAS), has won an infringement case against Janito Corp., which claimed to have invented the system it called the Miyata Karaoke.
The word ''karaoke'' is the Nippongo term for singing without accompaniment.
Del Rosario hailed the decision as a victory for Filipinos.
''The Filipino inventors have long been awaiting the outcome of this case. My triumph is also their triumph,'' he said in a statement.
There, does that help?

Is there one universal God?

There is whatever you want to believe there is.

I can see why people commit suicide, living is a hard thing to do. Have you ever tried to commit suicide?

No, and I certainly hope you're not contemplating it either. If you're in a bad place, seek help; professional help. Talk to someone about it, ok? I'm serious, do this.

Can't you just sit in a field and imagine being showered with riches and then just have the money float from heaven into your lap and all around you?

Ooh, that sounds like a lovely scenario! That's a nice visual image. Please let me know if it happens for you that way. May I suggest you pack a couple of extra bags with you, you know, to carry home the loot.

I have always loved big girls. My wife weighs almost 300 pounds and I still feed her chocolates in the hope that she can add a few more pounds. Our only problem is that Southwest Airlines is now charging overweight people for two seats! That is discrimination! On behalf of big, beautiful women everywhere, I am outraged. Fat people are people too!

Man, ok, regarding Southwest Airlines policy enforcement of a regulation that has been on the books for years but rarely enforced, I say good on them. I say that because sitting next to a grossly overweight person in coach is no picnic, and is always a compromise on my part to accommodate their "overspillage". I would LIKE them to have two seats, not one of theirs and half of mine. As to your feeding your wife chocolate in the hopes that she gets bigger and bigger, I say, whew.

You probably got a lot of letters from fat people chastising you for your comments, huh?

Not one actually. I think anybody that has read this deep into the Q&As knows by now that the power to change their life, just as the power to screw it up, comes from the same place - within you. So there's no need to take it out on me for my personal opinion. I give my readership credit for knowing the difference.

I feel sorry for ugly people. To have to live a life where you're ugly and everyone stares at you. It must be lonely. I'm not bad looking, but even I have trouble getting the ladies up to my room. But ugly people? Forget it. I guess that's why they all use prostitutes. It's funny because many of your prostitutes are ugly too. Whenever I use one I feel like I'm doing her a favor because she could never get a guy as good looking as me. That way we both enjoy it. What are the prostitutes like in your town?

Dunno. Do know that ugly is more than skin deep though. Catch my drift?

No, I don't.

Enlightenment, strong inner self, dedicated intentions, examined beliefs, focused creation - none of these things have to do with how one looks. We are much more complex than just how we look. So go beyond the skin; go deeper. That's what I meant.
I know I'm going to become rich. I feel I'm destined for it. So how come I'm still broke?

Because you haven't yet brought those things into your life. Knowing you will (become rich), should help you relax about when (it's going to happen), and allow you the freedom to have faith in the belief that it will (happen). Then perhaps, when you're least expecting it...

I saw my old boyfriend last night and we ended up having sex. Afterwards he told me he has herpes. Now I have herpes. My husband will kill me. Can you get herpes from toilet seats or anything other than sex? My husband will go insane.

I honestly don't know jack about herpes. Try searching for it in

Polar bears scare the piss out of me. My boyfriend just got a job up in Churchill, Manitoba, where polar bears walk down main street in broad daylight! I am freaking, how can I face my fears?

By going there. If you don't want to face your fears, don't go there.

You're all about beliefs, right? Well I believe that Jesus Christ walks among us. I believe that aliens are here too. I am sure that our government is comprised of self serving morons who only want to get rich. And finally, I believe in brainwashing. It has its upsides.

We are all an amalgam of what we believe. And when expressed, speaks volumes about who we are.

Peace, man. Love, brother.

Right back at ya.

In the big scheme of things, is money really all that important?

Aside from its face value, money has whatever value you place upon it. In any scheme. Be it emotional, intellectual, physical or otherwise.

I have a big fat problem and it's my wife. Her weight has ballooned and I find her unattractive. She is quite sensitive about it now and with any mention of the subject flies into a rage - then goes and stuffs her face. The family is exasperated. How can she lose weight?

There is a root cause for this behavior, and until she understands what that is, and ameliorates it, will continue to perpetuate the condition. The weight gain is a reflection of her thoughts about something (or some belief she holds, or some event she experienced, etc.) that is physically manifesting itself through over eating. Facing that is a painful thing and something she would apparently like to avoid. So be patient with her and break down the barriers to discussion about it. Then find out what it's all about, and help her change. As the change progresses, she will feed off of that.

I'm a tennis pro in California, and everything you've heard is true. I have tons of sex and meet rich, beautiful women all day every day. And that's my problem. My own game is deteriorating because I'm always "teaching". Any suggestions?

Nope, not a one. Ok, just one. How about less "teaching", more tennis?

It's me, the polar bear woman again. We're in Churchill and I'm scared out of my wits, even though everyone says the bears don't come to town in August. The good news is my boyfriend hates his new job. I've been egging him on to quit. That's my report so far. Just thought you'd want to know.

Take advantage of the fact that you are there and try to understand what this polar bear fear is about for you. You are there to confront it, so do that. Don't just wish that you were gone. Use this.

Teach me a new skill.

In FOUND MONEY, I offer self-reliance. That's a very useful skill.

The anniversary of September 11th is coming up. How do you think it should be remembered?

It will be remembered by everybody in every way imaginable. Every individual who chooses to think about it will have their own personal reaction.

I think your George Bush is a total arse. He's marching straight to war with Iraq. Why don't the American people reign in this cowboy? I'm from Britain and he's trying to drag us into his ill conceived debacle. Everyone over here thinks he's a pompous, self-serving arse. What do you think?

You said, "I think your George Bush is a total arse." He ain't mine. I don't live in the U.S. He's not my head of state. That would be Jean Chretien. Canadian Prime Minister. But what I think about him is another question.

I'm lonely and do not think that I shall ever find a mate. Is there a sure fire way to find my life partner or will I always be lonely?

Is there someone out there for you? Uh, yeah. Is there a sure fire way to meet him or her? I dunno. Should that stop you from looking? It shouldn't.

Gamma, gamma, gamma ray, hey, hey, hey. Hello! I'm a student at MIT and I make up physics rhymes. I do science raps. Want to hear one? Maybe you could publish some of them?

Science raps, huh. You know, if you're not careful, that could catch on, and then where would you be?

We went on a picnic and ended up having a huge fight, throwing all the food at each other. Then we stopped fighting because we looked so ridiculous with egg salad and cake on our faces. Then we made love right there on top of the ruined picnic. It was squishy and gross but really exciting too. Have you ever done that?

Uh-uh. Sounds like fun though. 'Course, I don't imagine the ride back home was any picnic for your car's interior, but that's splitting hairs. And I do wonder what the fight was about. But that's just me.

Science raps and aliens! Why do you have such kooks following you?

Following me? Please.

I love your site and the crazy questions you get! I love kooky! Ask that other person why they're here if they don't love it too.

Listen people, if you have found your way here, to this site, that is relevant. But it doesn't say a thing about you, and it doesn't define you. So let's not be so judgmental. I'm glad all of you are here.

I'm an unhappy sort. I've always been a sourpuss. I'm grumpy. Is there hope I can change?

Sure there is. There's always hope. Do you want to change? Because if you do, you can and will. If you don't, you won't.

Please explain the difference between men and boys, because I must have it confused. I keep dating boys when I think they’re men. I’d like to know. Thanks.

There is no difference. All men can be childish, all boys can be charming. Try looking at this another way. Try to understand why you’re involved in this. Because you are the one common denominator in all of it, eh? Examine why that is. Understand how some needs of yours are being met by this, and then change it. Make a decision to draw to you the kind of man you’d liked to be with. And not just the physical guy, but his emotional state as well. Define for real, who you’d like to be with. Seek that guy out and watch your dating world change. Best wishes.

What are you going to do about a war with Iraq?

I’m going to declare peace. Right now. Why, what are you gonna do?

The page is getting long and taking forever for me to download. You once said any of us could ask for a new Q&A page and you would do it. Well, I’m asking.

So I guess I’m doing. All right then, may I introduce you all to
Q&A 6.


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