Q&A 6

 

I wanted to be the first question on the new Q&A page! Am I? Did I do it in time?! I’m so excited!

You are, dear. Now calm down, you’re spilling everywhere. Ok then, now think, what was your question?


Oh yeah, I wanted to know if I have sex upside down like my husband wants to try, you know with all the blood rushing to my head, is that all right? What’s the worst that could happen?

An orgasm?
Your passing out?
Your husband liking it so much he wants to do it that way all the time?
I dunno. What do you think?


On your tape I think you sound like Perry Como.

Really? Jeez.


Great, I’m pregnant again, for the 9th time in 12 years. I’m sick of this. You have any idea what this is like? The Pope, God bless him, should rot in hell for ruining my life.

The Pope is a little, shriveled up guy in Europe. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he is the guy you’ve been making babies with. That’s you and somebody else. You want to stop having babies? Then you and somebody else need to stop making them. Figure out how to do this, or keep on doing what you’ve been doing. As always, the choice, the desire, the intentions to change your life, are all yours. Make your dreams comes true. 


I can hardly see anymore so I have my nurse read me your column. I'm 89 years old. In case you didn't know it, your appeal is universal.

Sweet. Thanks.


Before you said something about self-reliance. What was that?

Self-reliance, as a skill, I was saying. Self-reliance is you taking responsibility for you, for your actions, for the events of your life. Self-reliance is counting on yourself. That, I was saying, is a useful skill.


We went shopping and I lost my head and bought a hugely expensive dress and wore it once before I ruined it with spilled red wine in the cellar of this spooky castle in England. I’m sick about it. Why does stuff like this happen? I loved that dress.

These are the events of your life, my dear. Examine them. Specifically, your part in them. Remember, you didn’t get the dress ripped off your body fleeing a pack of wild wolves (which would mean one thing), and you didn’t ruin the dress by instantly gaining 200 pounds in an allergic reaction to killer bees (which would mean another thing), no, you did it in the precise way it happened (which like the other two, means something specific). So look at where you were, who you were with, explore the conversation, the lament, the loss, the expense, the antiquity, the wine itself. This is your life, yes? I urge you to take a closer look. Because when you do you’ll find your question, Why does stuff like this happen?, answered.


I love my husband, but I lust for the mail carrier. Gawd, what a hunk! I wait every day by my window just to see him walk up to the door. Big bulge! Tight buns! I’m contemplating asking him in for a quickie. This is very exciting but nerve wracking too. Wish me luck!

Nah, can’t do that, but nice enthusiasm.


Is it safe to play on a yellow card or should a substitute be put in?

Yessssssss, that is the question.


I love playing the lottery. I find it fun to spend a measly buck and be able to dream for a couple of days about the money. I’ve won some too! Not the big one yet, but I’ve gotten some good cash and I believe every ticket’s going to win me something. I got FOUND MONEY and read what it says to do, but I figure I’m pretty much doing that already. That how you see it?

I do. You have a wonderful attitude about it and I see no reason why you won’t continue to win more money by doing what you’re doing. Good on you, mate.


In your book you say you won $250 in the lottery. Is that all you ever won? Why don't you ever talk about other wins? Do you still play?

It has been talked about before in the Q&As. How much money I have won has absolutely no bearing on how much you can/will win. So me talking about my wins is spurious; you're you, I'm me. The most important part of FOUND MONEY is the PROCESS - and how that relates to you. Yes, every now and then, I will still purchase a lottery ticket.


Lately, whenever I try and kiss my girlfriend, she turns her head away. I was wondering, could I have bad breath?

Sure, could be that, could be something else entirely. Have you asked her what’s up?


Here’s my sex question. My husband is wild for us to have a threesome. I’m intrigued, but I want to know how you pick the right person? Should it be a friend or a stranger? His birthday is coming up and I want to surprise him. But who do I ask to join us? And do I go male or female?

Who would you feel most comfortable with? What gender would your husband prefer? Are you looking for a one shot thing or an ongoing arrangement? Is this the prelude to further experimentation? etc. Sorry, I can only put questions back to you, you’re pretty much on your own for the answers. I have no doubt you’ll find what you are looking for - if you know what you are looking for. Define it and it will happen.


Are numbers more sacred than writing?

Personally, I think they go hand in hand and are of equal weight. But then, what do I know?


I have been wondering if great thoughts can come to you while meditating? Is that how inventors come up with their ideas?

Actually, when you meditate, you want to have no thoughts at all. You want to be in a different state altogether. If you are inventing something, then you are not meditating, you are inventing, and those are two different things. However, it can be said that the process of inventing is a meditation, and I would also agree with that, as contradictory as it is to what I just said before. So, um, what was your question?


To procreate is to populate. Any other reason is blasphemy!

Says you. What about fun, enjoyment, pleasure, ORGASM? What about intimacy and sensuality? Sex is truly one of the body’s greatest enjoyments. It feels good. By definition, your body is physical. Left alone or immersed in the moment, it is quite capable of performing and totally enjoying sex. Instead, you have chosen to link a physical act (sex), with a mental construct (is bad for you unless ______ - fill in the blank with all your restrictions), making it utilitarian and purposeful. That’s fine (for you), I suppose, but I’m just saying it’s a shame you don’t have a wider concept of one of life’s truly greatest assets - sexual enjoyment. It feels good. That's all the reason one needs, really. Isn't it?


I have been examining my life like you have said to do, and I have been surprised at what I’ve found. I had a lot of hidden prejudices that I exposed for myself. I found out why I believed that way (all of these prejudices were rooted in past behaviors of mine). But I found that I don’t need to carry that stuff around anymore because I'm not who I was back then. I have seen that my "faults" were my own, and not the problems of others. Now I am way more open minded and tolerant. That is major. I feel in control of how my life is going. It’s a great feeling. Thanks.

No, thank you. Nice to discover that developmental work on the self can be so gratifying, eh? Bravo on your work. You are a better man for it. We all benefit by that. Bravo.


Can you really own a BMX bike and not want to do extreme stuff with it? Should my wife and I expect our son to be crazy on it, like he is?

The bike is a tool. The operator of the tool, is your son. Substitute "table saw" for "BMX bike" in your question, and it becomes apparent that it’s the operator, not the tool, that is at issue here.


I am a plus size woman and not so very proud of it. I know there are people that lose over a hundred pounds, but I can’t seem to take off 20. Of course, I have tried every diet and fad out there. So how do you really lose weight and keep it off?

If you could step outside your body and look at it as if it was something that you had complete control over, you might approach it differently. In other words, imagine you are the trainer for a prize fighter. It’s your job to tell him what to eat, when to exercise and work out, and how to set both small and large goals that your fighter can meet along the way to his ultimate goal, the championship (or in your case, your target weight). As a trainer, would you feed your fighter doughnuts and excess food? Would you tell him not to worry about exercise or training? And if you did that, would you really expect him to win the championship? Well my dear, you are both your own fighter and trainer. So define your big goal, define smaller motivating goals along the way, pay attention to what you eat (you’re in training!), and exercise due diligence with the fighter within. Train yourself to accomplish what it is you desire. Is it hard work? Sure. Is it worth it? I guarantee that when you reach your goal, it will all be worth it. As Pogo once said famously, "I have met the enemy, and he is us."


Is Brad Pitt really all that he's cracked up to be?

I don't know. I'll tell you what, Brad and Angelina are coming over for cards tonight. I'll ask him.


How do you survive grief?

One day at a time. You live through it. It becomes a pervasive part of your life and remains with you until you find that it is no longer there. You can work through it, expand your consciousness because of it, or ignore it, but regardless of how you manage grief, you will live your life in some specific way because of it. Grief is a process. It is also an event, an opportunity, a black hole and more. It is, as with everything that comprises your life, individual.


I’m learning to play golf because my husband spends half his life on the course and I want to spend more time with him. The trouble is, he’s good and I’m not, so I bring him down when we play together and now he is starting to avoid me. I’m frustrated, how long does it take to learn this game?

Forever, if then. But the game isn’t the issue here, sweetie. Your goal is to spend more time with your husband. There are other ways to do that. Here’s a tip: Make him want to spend more time with you. How? Oh, I dunno, lust? sex? Make him forget about golf, eh?


Our teacher said if we don’t stop smoking in the restroom, she’s going to put a webcam in there to watch us! Is that legal?

Is what legal? Smoking underage? Smoking in a non-smoking building? Being watched while you smoke illegally? Having someone witness the beginning stages of your contracting cancer? Forget your teacher, man, smoking is the issue here. Personally, I gotta say, smoking stinks. Literally. Save yourself, save yourself now.


My wife wants to take up skydiving. I think it is dangerous and have forbidden her to do it. She says she is going to anyway. I said what if she dies and abandons me and the kids just for her frivolous hobby?

Weighted that one pretty heavily, didn’t you? Abandons you and the kids? What about the flip side? What about her enjoying her life and taking on new challenges? What about personal growth, stretching her boundaries - what about fun?! Seems to me this is about her, not you (or the kids, or the house, or her country or anything else you want to throw into the equation to make her feel bad about doing it). Why not be happy for her that she has found something she wants to try? Jeez man, guilt is such a passive aggressive thing to wield against someone for doing something you don’t approve of. Support her, don’t take your speculative fears and throw them upon her like a wet blanket.


I read your book Write About Dogs a week ago and I can’t stop thinking about it. First of all, as a novel it is so masterfully crafted that I’m literally agog; and second of all, what you say about science and dogs and the inner self is just as provocative and mind blowing as the way you wrote it. And the damn thing is funny as hell! I have never had a book effect me in this way. I want to know if you’re ever going to bring it out in paperback? I want to give it to a bunch of people but I can’t afford the hard cover price. You are without a doubt a major literary talent (I’m a literature professor at a Big Ten university), and I never would have heard of you if not for your website. Which is also very good!

Yes, well, thank you for your words. We have thought seriously about bringing out Write About Dogs in a quality paperback edition, but have yet to do so for financial reasons. Therefore, we would license the paperback rights to a reprint house if a deal came up. So, the door is open. Call in your bids please. Thank you.


I make bread and I love my job! The smells at work are fantastic! What I hate are the hours. My job starts at 3 in the morning. Because of my crazy schedule, my girlfriend and I only have sex about once a month. I’m always tired. I bought her a vibrator and she likes that, but she wants more. What can I do? I don’t want to quit my job.

Well lessee, work is 8 hours out of a 24 hour day. Sleep is another 8 hours. That leaves you 8 hours on your own to figure out when to have sex. I’m sure you can manage that, eh?

 
I am afraid to fly. It is worse since the terrorists attacks. Will I ever be able to overcome this?

I don’t know. Is it a priority to do so (overcome this)? Because if you really want to overcome your fear of flying, you will. Fear of flying is psychological. We are all capable of changing our personal psychology (what we believe in; what we are afraid of; etc.). If you feel you’re unable to achieve this on your own, might I suggest the help of a psychologist? Psychologists have tools to mitigate fear. Listen, there is nothing stopping you from getting rid of this undesirable trait - but you. Only you can do this (continue your fear of flying) and only you can stop it. Capish? Best wishes.


This is pretty crazy so bear with me. I cashed out some stock and bought a charter boat in the Caribbean. Me! I’ve been on the Staten Island Ferry, what, twice in my life? I don’t know anything about boats or a charter business or anything. But I’m on vacation down there, the boat looks gorgeous, the crew seems to know what they’re doing, it’s for sale, I do it. But you know what? Now that I’m back home, I think they’re pirates! I think they go out and rob other boats! Ever since I left I’ve been hearing a lot about the pirate activity right in the same areas where my charter boat has been. And they’re the only boat never robbed! Could I have gotten myself mixed up in something as crazy as pirating on the high seas?! And why would I do that?!

Sure, you could be mixed up in a wild caper. ‘Course, it could also be your imagination, too. You have these questions which seem pretty important to you, so I can only assume you will do whatever it takes to obtain their answers. And you’re in that process now. It’s led you to me. Unfortunately, I haven’t a clue what it will take to resolve this particular event, or why you’re in it, or how you get out of it, etc. You are the only one who knows those answers. But you’re right about one thing, it’s a corker. Best wishes.


These colour choice issues are driving me mad. The wife and I are painting the interior of our flat and we’re having endless fights about the wall colours. Have you any ideas about our resolving this? Thank you.

One of the great things about color is it affords a good shot at compromise, precisely because so many shades are available. Have you tried one of those 3-D mini-CAD computer programs where you can change the color of the walls with a click of the mouse? Shows you what looks good and what looks awful. Many paint stores now have these computer programs. If you guys still can’t mediate yourselves, then get an arbitrator in; be it a professional designer, the paint store guy, an interior decorator, your cousin with the strong color sense, whatever. Just make sure the end result is something you can both live with.

Jan says he hates me. He says it all the time. But I know he loves me. That’s how it always is in the movies. The girl and boy fight and then they fall madly in love. He’ll come around. You wait and see.

Oooookay, I’ll be right here. Waiting and seeing.


I think Peter Gabriel is a weirdo. What do you think?

What do I think about Peter Gabriel? Can’t say, don’t know him personally. Love his music though.


When are you going to bring out your next book?

When it’s ready. When that will be, I can’t say.


But there’s one in the works?

Oh, there is always something in the works.


What’s this new one going to be about?

Again, I can’t say. I don’t really know, actually. My work always starts with a vague idea and goes on from there. Since I don’t know where it’s going, I never know when it’s going to be done. This process can and often does take years and years. Eventually, something gets finished and then I will publish it. That’s really all I can say.


I want to marry Yves! He’s gorgeous. You said he handles all the French traffic for your publishing company, but does he speak English? Is he married? Ask him if he would be interested in an Australian babe. I enclose my pic. Thanks.

Yes, our Yves is gorgeous and he does speak fluent English. But he has said that his private life is his own. Respecting his wishes, I'm not at liberty to say any more about him. I’m sure you understand, being a babe yourself (nice picture).


She’s not the only one who wants him! Forget Aussie girl, here’s my pic! Show that to Yves and watch him drool. You tell him he can have me anytime he wants. Tell him I’ll do anything. Tell him that!

Ok, ladies, enough. Please, stop sending in your (increasingly suggestive and sexually provocative) photographs for Yves. Though it has provided the rest of us here with hours of enjoyment, Yves isn’t interested.


Who the hell is Yves?

He is an employee who was profiled back in an earlier KeithSpeak. He is very handsome and very private. He told me to thank all the beautiful women who have offered themselves up, he’s very flattered, but no.


Can you become smarter? Can you really be smarter than you are now?

You can develop. You can become bigger than you were. You can become broader and more open and more defined than you were. All those are very smart things to do. If you’re not currently doing that, and then you do that, then yes, you’ve become smarter. Is that what you mean?


Are you so wealthy that the King of Saudi Arabia has nothing on you?

Haw!


I live in Manhattan. I need a car. Should I buy an SUV?

Nah, buy one of those hybrid electric/gasoline models. I think Toyota sells one. Very economical to run, very very quiet, very fast (yes, they’re fast!), and very environmentally friendly.


Everywhere you look you see war and nuclear threats and terrorism. What has happened to the world?

People in power perpetuate policies that they see as indigenous, cultural, religious and financial manifest destiny. None of them see the world as a cohesive, balanced, unified globe of people all living a life not too dissimilar from one another. In "protecting" their power and increasing their influence they become more and more isolated. They do stupid things because they are out of touch with humanity.


My husband wants to name our new son Pecos Bill. I am mortified at this suggestion for such a horrible ghastly name. He says he has his reasons. I want Chester. How can we compromise on this?

Pecos Bill? Chester? Why don’t you just hang a sign off the baby’s back saying Kick Me? Be that as it may, if you two adults cannot come up with a suitable and agreeable child’s name, then maybe you shouldn’t be having one? Ok, that’s harsh, but get real - you can call the child anything you want - any name, any nickname, anything. Agree on one. Sheesh.


What do you do with a lot of money once you have it? Do you count it? Do you hoard it? Do you just spend, spend, spend all the time? I need to know what it’s like.

Then create wealth for yourself. You’ll never know what it’s like by asking someone else what it’s like. If you have a need for this experience, then create the experience. Live it, find out what it’s like for yourself. A book like FOUND MONEY can tell you how. It’s your life, make it whatever you want it to be.


How can you tell if you’re an alcoholic?

By examining your behavior, your alcohol consumption, your desire for it, your dependency level upon it, your need to live your life with it, etc. You can tell if you’re an alcoholic by examining yourself.


Whenever I examine my life, I just fall into judging myself. How do I not beat myself up when I look back at my past actions?

Examining your life is about personal development, not personal judgment. What you did, you did for reasons (beliefs, ideas, intuitions, etc.) that at that particular time, dictated your course of action. Instead of saying, I screwed up, or I was wrong, look at what really transpired, understand why you acted that way (at that time), and then own that. Because that is what you did (then). Don’t deny it, don’t judge it, and don’t lay blame for your actions on someone or something else. Just understand why you did what you did. Then either continue the behaviors, belief, ideas that brought about that result, or ameliorate them. But you can’t change it until you understand why you acted in such a way.


Do you have any job openings at your company? I’ve decided that I would like to work for an enlightened individual rather than the mindless drones who currently boss me. I’m willing to move to Canada.

Enlightened, you say. I like the sound of that. Alas, we have no positions available at the present. As a matter of fact, our company turnover rate is almost zero, if you don’t count Monte Zalaski’s departure, the card shark who fleeced half the shipping department before heading out to parts unknown with Claire Moravia, our inventory control specialist, and a woman with an obvious weakness for nefarious characters. But thanks for asking.


My life is a disaster. I’ve been married 5 times, I still pay alimony to 3 of them, and I’m currently seeing a girl 20 years younger than me. That sounds good. But she’ll probably be number 6. That sounds bad. But it’s not just my wives. I’m in trouble constantly with money, my job, my family, my whole life really. Can your lottery book help me out? Can it save me?

Woo doggy, 5 wives, constant trouble, can my book save you? Possibly. But not the how to win a bunch of money part, I’m talking about the how to take control of your life by accepting responsibility for who you are, who you’ve become, what you do, how you do it, and what you decide to do in the future about it part. That can help you help yourself.


All my Zen friends tell me I have to give up my money and my stereos to find nirvana. I’m just not willing to do that. Screw God if I can’t listen to my music, you know? So what’s up with that?

You don’t have to give up anything to get everything. Material objects have nothing to do with enlightenment. All that’s required is you. Just you. And though you may think of yourself as material (physical), the part that has to do with enlightenment (your mind), isn’t. In other words, no coat required.


I have come and I have gone and I am coming back again. Wish me well for my return.

Done. Consider yourself well wished.


I got a scholarship to Oxford! Two years ago I wouldn’t have believed that was possible. But with your advice, I now believe I can do anything. Taking responsibility for my life has been so empowering. It’s intoxicating!

You did it, honey. I only shouted encouragement from the bleachers. Good on you. Congratulations on Oxford too.


I went and did it again. I got a girl pregnant. 2nd time I done this. I’m going to be using rubbers from here on out, but that don’t help me now. And I ain’t marrying her neither, ‘specially her. How much do I have to pay to raise the kid? First one cost me $100 a month. Is that how much this one is too? Another $100?

It sounds like you need someone more qualified than my unqualified self to answer your question. Fortunately, this is exactly the sort of thing lawyers do so well. You might want to try a lawyer. They’re in the Yellow Pages. Under lawyer.
 
If I got 2 plus 2 down, how come I can’t add up all the other numbers as well? Math is my weakest suit. How do you get stronger in math?

I think math is an aptitude thingy; you either have the knack or you don’t. I say this because, of course, I don’t. So without a knack I don’t have a clue how you can improve your math skills. Long answer just to say, I dunno, huh?


What the bloody hell is going on!

Everything and nothing, all at once, for as long as you breathe.


That's exactly what I mean!

I know, I know.


You know what I like about Canada? You never hear anything about them. There's no stupid infatuation with movie stars, drug rehab, war, or business interests. You guys just keep on being one of the nicest places in the world to live and visit. But you're quiet. I like that best.

Shhhhh. Me too.


I’m what you call a loose cannon. I shoot my mouth off all the time. Now I’ve met this girl, and she could be the one, but she’s made it clear I have to stop saying what’s on my mind to everyone. How do I do that?

How do you stop being yourself? By becoming someone else you want to be. Someone that you define, and then take incremental steps toward becoming. You see, we all do what we do for good reasons (even if those reasons are not apparent to us). Somewhere in you a need is being filled by being who you currently are (a loose cannon). Find out why you need to do that, and then constructively, intentionally, become the newly defined you you want to become. It’s personal development, and you can do it consciously.


I am a man in a woman’s world. I’m a male nurse. I even hate having to say "male" first. To way too many people that means I’m a nancy boy or a poof. I’m tired of everyone’s jokes. You’re the media - I want you to call attention to the plight of (male) nurses.

You should be respected by your peers, your family, your friends, and most of all, yourself. When you respect yourself, you are comfortable in your professional skin, and others will perceive that in you, and change their behavior or ideas about you specifically, and male nurses in general.


What are some of your favorite things?

My home, my family, good food, self-confidence, and a few million other things. Why, what are yours?


Sex, more sex, and the occasional rare bottle of wine. It’s a good life.

Yes, it is, isn’t it.


I got me some dynamite and I’m gonna blow something up. I found two sticks down in the crawl space of my step Dad’s house. My question is whether it’s legal to set these off within the city limits. I live in Phoenix.

Wow, I can’t even begin to tell you how awful an idea it is to attempt what you’re asking. Good lord, man - dynamite! - are you just trying to find a fool proof way to be destructive, dangerous and completely ignorant? Give the EXPLOSIVES to your step Dad, or call the police, or your LOCAL BOMB SQUAD. You’re talking about a bomb, son, you know that don’t you? And frankly, right now, America is just not in the mood to have parts of Phoenix blown up. Trust me on this one.


I’m having my leaves raked today! As my birthday present, my wife asked me what chore I like doing the least and she’ll hire someone to do it for me. Great present, huh? So I’m having my leaves raked. Am I lucky or what?

Frankly, I don’t think luck has a thing to do with your wife’s creative and obviously well received birthday present. Do you? Really? Happy birthday.


I went out on a date with an older man. Actually, he’s my roommate’s father. At the end of the date he wanted to come in, but I said no because his daughter was in the next room. But he was persistent and we ended up doing it on the couch. Now I’m confused, should I tell my roommate I balled her father?

What do you think?


If I tell her, she’s likely to move out and I can’t afford the rent by myself. If I don’t tell her, then she won’t know because it’s not going to happen again - he’s a lousy lover and old enough to be my father. So I guess I won’t say anything.

What if her father says something to her?


If he tells his daughter that he screwed her roommate, who is young enough to be his own daughter, then he is not only a lousy lover, he’s an idiot too. Ok, that’s it, I’m not saying anything. It’s over as far as I’m concerned.

There you go. You’ve answered your own question. Good for you.


I’m going to allow myself some room to expand.

Opening up one’s consciousness is always a good idea.


No, I mean for Thanksgiving and all the food I’m going to eat. I’m buying some larger clothes, preparing for it.

You’re preparing to get fatter. That’s a novel approach. I wish you all the best with your intended plans.


What weight oil should I use in my car?

Personally, I use 10W40 in ours. But most vehicles use 10W30. Or 5W30 up north.


We went to Paris and it was wonderful. But I have to believe the French people are the rudest I have ever encountered. Their reputation is justly deserved and easily won. Can you make an excuse for the French and their horrid behavior?

Alas, I cannot make excuses for anybody. You, me or the French.


We built a second story addition onto our home and the construction took 15 months. We also went 100% over budget. The stress between me and my wife has put us close to divorce. Now the contractor has put a lien against the house for non-payment of his outrageous change order bills. Where did this all go wrong?

That’s hardly useful now, is it? I mean, shouldn’t you be concerned with where you go from here?


What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?

Deep and unbounded love.


I just sent you my manuscript, but before you get it, I wanted to explain what it’s about first-

Stop. Stop right there. Everyone who has been doing this (sending stuff in), please listen: We accept no manuscript submissions, no book proposals, no nothing - from anyone. Keith Ryan Publishing is an eponymous concern. That means we publish the work of a single author, yours truly. The web site, the publishing company, they exist solely for me. Piggy? Maybe. Still, we have no current or future intent to alter that mandate. Thank you for thinking we may be the right publishing company for you and your work, but we aren’t.


How many times have you spoken with God?

Say what?


Didn’t God tell you to be on the path you’re on?

Uh no, I did. Actually, god was really busy that day. I didn’t want to, you know, pester her with my life plan.


So you mean Satan told you to do what you do! You’re going to burn in hell!

Sheesh. Lighten up. Ok ok, so me and Beelzebub had one lousy lunch together (I ran into him at Denny’s). Funny thing is, all we talked about was you! That’s right. It seems you’re next on his list. Ooh, he has some devious plans for your capitulation. To be honest, we hardly talked about my life plan at all. Oh well, bye.


I’m sponsoring a kids soccer team. I suspect that the coach, an out of work plumber, may be taking too much of an interest in the children. How can I confront him without tipping my hand that I think he may be a pedophile?

Talk to him of your suspicions?
Talk to the police of your suspicions?
Talk to a private investigator of your suspicions?
In other words, it sounds like a dialogue about this sensitive issue needs to be conducted. Who you discuss this with will determine how satisfied you are with the answers you receive.
 
I’m asking you to pray for me. My daughter has turned queer right before my eyes. She says she’s a lesbian, but I’m sure she’s mistaken. How do I get her to like boys again? In the meantime, pray!

Sure. I pray that your daughter finds love. Don’t you?


It’s not okay to always be broke and in debt. I’m sick of this. I can’t even afford your book, so give me the short course on how to get rich quick. Thanks.

Ok. Is anyone stopping you from making money? Has anyone said, Hey man, you can’t do that. No? Well how about yourself?


I’m a very spiritual person, yet I can’t seem to calm down my life, stop the racing in my head, or relax. I’m pretty much a nervous wreck. I thought spirituality was supposed to give you peace? Where is it already?!

Spirituality doesn’t "give" you anything. It is a way of life. A way of living your life. Currently, you are living it another way (crazy, running around, semi-frantic). If you want to calm down, then change all the things that precipitate that which you don’t want. Balance your life. And don’t think something else is going to do it for you. You can only do it for yourself. Do you see what I mean?


At the movies last night my date threw up. It was totally disgusting. Later she said that the popcorn must have been tainted. Whatever. I am totally turned off by her now, but she is demanding a make up date. How do I get out of this one?

Tell her that on her behalf you have engaged the services of a lawyer to press further the "tainted popcorn" defense, and that until the trial of the theater owner, the popcorn maker, the popcorn machine manufacturer, and the farmer who grew the corn are over, your lawyer has suggested that you two not meet. Or you could just tell her that you’re not interested in a rematch. Either way works.


Have you purposely shunned literary success? It sounds to me, from your website, that you are content to live outside the glare of the publishing industry. Is that fair to say? And why have you done that?

The publishing industry is predicated on marketing and promotion, aka, selling books. I am interested in having a say, doing what I want, and living my nice, quiet life here. They're pretty much mutually exclusive.


But shouldn’t you strive for more?

More than love, home, family, peace, awesome quality of life, ongoing personal development and world class scenery? I dunno, that kind of sounds greedy, eh?


I’m a mad collector. I have antique straw baskets, superhero lunch boxes, and over three thousand coloured rocks. I have children’s tea sets from all over the world, newspapers dating back eighty years, and World’s Fair spoons from every continent. Our basement is full of crap you wouldn’t believe. My husband says it’s frightening and that I’m mental. Do you suppose he could be right?

Find out for yourself. Have you ever asked yourself why you do it? Have you ever examined your motives and mania for collecting? There are reasons why we all do what we do. Find yours. Then decide if collecting is something you can live with or without. Then continue doing it or don’t.


To be blunt, I’m hung like a horse. I think pornography is my calling, but my wife is having a hard time with this decision. If this is indeed my gift, wouldn’t I be foolish to waste it?

Your gift? Isn’t that like saying being 6’6 automatically makes you a basketball player? Ironically, (considering it’s pornography), you’re talking about a family decision. You and your wife get to decide what you and your wife are going to do.


I read where one of the Rockefellers collects beetles. Vermin bugs! Why in the hell would a billionaire stoop to messing with disgusting beetles?! What a waste of money!

Like the money has anything to do with the beetle collecting. Dontcha know some poor guy somewhere is collecting beetles too? You ragging on him? A man’s interests are his own, regardless of his bank account. Besides, I’ve no doubt Rockefeller would find some of the stuff you’re into distasteful as well. That’s why you’re you and he’s him. Get it?


Whether I do or whether I don’t, it’s entirely my own business, right?

Right.


I love e-mail! I’m 81 years old and have had a computer for almost two months. Recently my nephew asked me if I’ve googled. What is that?

Google is the most popular search engine on the Internet. If you use it, I suppose you’re a Googler, or you have Googled, or something cutesy pie as that.
 
Have you started your Christmas shopping yet? I have.

Me too. I have gotten many gifts, with many more to go. I know - let’s wish each other good shopping, eh? Ahem, may the gods of commerce smile upon us all.


I found $3,000! It was in a crumpled up Wendy’s bag in an alley. There’s no way you can’t tell me that wasn’t luck. I sure didn’t plan to find that money. What do you have to say about that?

Good god man, what the hell were you doing rooting through a used Wendy’s bag in an alley? Maybe you were hungry...wishing you had some money to get something to eat...


Your whole point of view is completely biased toward North America. There are 165 other countries in the world. Why don’t you talk about other cultures? There are many other ways of life as I see it. Why don’t you see it?

Culture is an acquired thing. It’s circumstantial. For some, it comes by birth and/or geographic location, for others it is an assimilation, but either way, it’s pretty much experiential; you have to live it to know it. However, who you are, your personality, your decision making, your understanding of what life (your life) is, transcends culture and nation states. In that, we are all the same: universal man, individually and collectively. And that is to whom I am speaking.


I’m expecting twins, and it’s made me wonder why two children would want to live their lives looking alike? Why not come into life here as an individual, as most of us do?

They may look, act and seemingly be alike, but they are also complete individuals. As for why they would choose a life as a twin, I can’t say. Perhaps when they are old enough to understand, you might ask them and they might explain it to you. Best wishes with your impending birthing.


I got caught for speeding. What happens if you don’t go to court and pay the fine?

They issue a warrant for your arrest. That means nothing until you get stopped for your next ticket, whereupon the police computer will inform them of your fugitive status and you will be arrested, there, on the spot, at what will most likely be (because it always is) a most inconvenient time to have this happen to you. From there you will get to see the jail bars from the inside, meet a few new friends in your small, testosterone laden cell, start a running tab with your attorney as he/she tries to get you out. As well, your vehicle was impounded when you were carted off to the pokey, and your poor wife/girlfriend had to go down to the scary impound yard where junkyard dogs prowl, and pay a hefty tow fee to a leering, overweight greaseball to get it back, incurring her enmity, fear and loathing for weeks to come. From there it just gets worse. My advice? Go to court. Pay the fine.


My wife is still friendly with her ex and it bothers me. I’m jealous of their former love and I’m suspicious of their current friendship. Maybe that’s small of me, but it’s the truth. Can I forbid her friendship with him? What do I do if she says she won’t break it off?

This is dicey, because on one hand, she should be allowed to befriend anyone she wants, be it an ex boyfriend or an ex anything; on the other hand, your problem with her friendship is something she ought to be able to give up if it makes you feel horrible. Of course, you could stop feeling insecure about it (she is with you, not him), and she could go out of her way to reassure you it isn’t anything but an old friendship with someone with whom she has a history. But truthfully, this is your issue, not hers. You need to work on why this is the way it is for you. Jealousy, insecurity, these are mental conditions. You’re doing this to yourself. And you can stop.


Can you fly a plane?

Nope. Can you?


Yup.

We’re different, my friend, you and I.


Is there honour in refusing the advances of a married man?

Honor, pride, ego, these things sort of imply that there is a nobility in acting a certain way. Me, I ain’t so sure about that. Still, you could refuse or accept this man’s advances using any reason(s) you desire.


I’m back. Did you miss me?

Did I? or, Did I!


I really enjoy your web site. I find it soothing - and I’m a massage therapist! Do you get massaged often?

I don’t. See, if you deal constructively with stress, then you don’t get your body all twisted and knotted and the effects of a massage, though always nice, are not really needed. Me, I wanna feel loose and comfortable all the time, not just after a massage. So I make an earnest attempt to deal with stress whenever I perceive it happening. Stress, my friends, is a body pretzeler.


What do you think about Trent Lott?

Actually, I don’t think about Lott at all. Why should I care that some bigot from Mississippi has voiced his support for another bigot from somewhere else?


Where in the hell are your prayer beads? I looked all over your site and I don’t see where you sell the beads. Anyway, I want one set, extra large (I have big hands).

Ack, dontcha know it, prayer beads, all sold out. How about a sarong? Whoops, I forgot - we’re a publishing company! Sorry. No beads. No sarongs.


You can’t fool me. I know you are biding your time until you burst on the national scene and cause a sensation. Am I right?

You read me like a book.


What did you get for Christmas?

Everything I needed, nothing I didn’t. Hope yours was as rewarding.


There is this Spanish movie star that makes me melt. I don’t even know his name. I never thought I could go for the Latin type, but this guy is sooooo hot. Of course he probably has a million girls hanging all over him. Do you think someone like that might be interested in a conservative school teacher from the Midwest?

In real life? Probably not. In your head, in your fantasies? Absolutely.


It’s the end of the year. How do we know that next year will automatically start? Don’t we all just assume that 2003 will begin? What if it doesn’t?

Didn’t you write in and ask the same question last year? I can’t remember what I said then but the same goes now.


My neighbor and I have been dating for two years and are thinking of moving in together. The only problem is I want her to move in here with me and she wants me to move in there with her. How do we decide which apartment to live together in?

If one apartment is not better, cheaper, rent controlled, or in a nicer building, then it sounds like it’s a horse apiece. In that case, if you really want to do this, which apartment you guys reside in shouldn’t matter at all. Yes? So why don’t you be magnanimous and move in with her? Unless of course, there are more issues than just which apartment...


I’m finally free! I have spent the last 17 years in prison. I want to know if you will sell me a copy of your book on how to win the lottery because I want to go straight. The world has changed so much since I went in! Thanks, man.

Welcome back! As a present, I have sent you a gratis copy of FOUND MONEY. I hope your stay outside is long and prosperous.
 
Can you send me good tidings on my way to peace and enlightenment?

I can indeed. May the trip be the journey-


Don’t you mean may the trip be worth the price of the journey?

No, no I don’t. From the moment you’re born, when you first suck wind, you are off on a trip, down a road. And both that trip and road stop when you inhale your very last breath. So all along, you are moving, whether you consciously know it or not. Even when you think you’re standing still, you’re moving, inexorably, down that road, on that trip. The trip is the journey of your life, and you’re not following anyone down that road, uh-uh, you are making it up as you move along. You are even creating the road itself, even though in your mind’s eye it stretches out before you. So enjoy the trip, because your travels are you, the definition of you, the totality of your experiences, the journey of a (your) lifetime. I offer you good tidings in your travels.


I’m British and what you Yanks would call "haughty". But we’re haughty for good reason - we are superior. But I’m not here to debate the crudeness of North Americans, tempting though it is, I want to know where you think the centre of the civilized world is.

Ending on a preposition? Tsk tsk. Yes, the centre of the civilized world, well, it lies between one’s ears, doesn’t it? One’s civility is up to one, now isn’t it?


What are you going on about?

Personal development, quality of life, animal abuse and the like. You know, just the regular, concerned citizen of this planet stuff. Why, what are you going on about?


This is scary. I think I just won a lot of money using your techniques. I still don’t believe it. This is so scary. Why didn’t you ever say anything about being scared in your book?

You’re not scared, you’re thrilled. You’re not fearful of what has just happened to you, you just haven’t let yourself believe it yet. But you will. And you know what? You’ll still be thrilled. You did it, dear. You did it all. Good on your for manifesting your dreams.


I want to be a novelist. What is your best advice for someone like me?

Do what you feel you need to do. If that is writing, then write. Become a novelist. Make sense?


I want more writing advice than that. Come on, spill the beans. How the hell do you do it? And how do you make a living at it? And how do you tell your kids to shut up when you’re doing it? I need practical advice and I want it from you.

What can I tell you that I haven’t already? You physically have to sit down and put the words that are in your head, down on paper. There is no other way. All the rest of it - the time to do it, the screaming kids, the avoidance behaviors, the art, the style, the grace with which you write - all of those things will be discovered AFTER you do it. Writing is writing. There’s no magic. Just do it.


Can you make a scene in a restaurant, get thrown out because of it, and then go back there to have another meal like two weeks later?

Uh, I don’t know, can you?


My girlfriend has just gotten a diaphragm. Basically, I suspect she got it to sleep around. It has been tempting for me to poke a tiny hole in it to serve her right. Would this help her to stop screwing other guys?

Whew, dude, get a grip. If you have problems with your girlfriend’s faithfulness, talk to her about it. Don’t do something stupid like causing her an inadvertent pregnancy. Can you see the difference?


Outside the U.S. the rest of the world sees Bush as a petty demagogue chirping his little beak off about Iraq, when none of it has been proven by anyone, including the United Nations. Why in the hell are the American people following this twit?

Frankly, his charm eludes me as well. I guess you’d have to ask an American why they are willing to go to war for Georgie boy. I sure as hell can’t fathom it.


I have decided to buy a Porsche. It will be the centerpiece of my life. I will get all the girls and the chumps driving Dodges won’t get any. $62,000 bucks and it will be worth every penny when I score with all the hot babes! I’m stoked! Vroom vroom, wish me well.

Nah, can’t do that, but I applaud your enthusiastic decisiveness, if not your intent. Vroom vroom yourself, dude.


I think it’s so cool you can ask the author of a book what he meant by something just after you’ve read it! I love your site for being able to do this. Ok, my question is this: In Write About Dogs you say that for veterinarians to do veterinary research it’s a hypocrisy. But I have to ask, who else could do it? Thanks.

Veterinarians are supposed to help animals, each and every one, not subject certain ones he "doesn’t care about" to inhumane tests and theory. So, for a veterinarian to practice vivisection, yes, it is a gigantic hypocrisy. Who should do it if not them? I scream loudly, NO ONE. For all the reasons elucidated in the book.


Me and my cousin were playing mumblety-peg and I stabbed him in the finger. He says it didn’t hurt a bit although there was blood everywhere and he had to get 6 stitches to close it up. Now he wants to stab me back to prove it didn’t hurt. Should I let him?

What do you think? Does that sound like a good plan to you? Are you keen on getting stabbed? Think about this, ok?


Why don’t you take a stand on the stabbing? And the playing of mumblety-peg for goodness sake? Kids with knives are a very dangerous thing. I’m surprised you answered his question with your own questions and that you didn’t tell him that stabbing someone is a bad thing.

One has to think for oneself, no? If he wants to voluntarily get stabbed, who am I to say no? I believe it’s up to him to say no. Don’t you?


What is mumblety-peg?

It’s a "game" played with knife and fingers. Let’s all move on, shall we?


My mom is getting remarried and she wants to wear white. Isn’t that for virgins? If she has two kids, how can she wear white?

A white dress is a symbol. Wearing white can stand for many things, including starting over. My advice is to rejoice in the wedding, and try not to get all caught up in the symbols.


My wife is many months pregnant - and I find her abhorrent (sexually). What has happened to her body has grossed me out completely. I feel like I’m in a Hugh Grant comedy only it’s not funny. And she still wants to have sex! I’m not happy with this at all. Should I tell her? And could this affect the baby if she has an adverse reaction? What would Hugh do?

If you’re asking whether you should pick up a hooker and do it in your car on the street late at night and then get caught by the cops and have it all go public, à la Hugh, then you don’t need my advice. If however, you’re asking how to be sexually turned on by your pregnant wife who completely grosses you out, then I can’t help you there either. If however, you are asking how to please your wife and have sex with her because she wants you to even though you're completely grossed out by her and you are just going through the motions, then may I suggest a blindfold and a hit of Viagra.
 
I got drafted and can’t decide whether to play Junior A hockey in the OHL, or take a U.S. college scholarship and play hockey in the States. Either way, my goal is still, of course, to make it to the NHL. What’s the best way to go?

You have two good, diverse platforms to make it to the show. They both offer different things on completely different routes to the same end point. You might make a list of the pros and cons for each and weigh them carefully, but ultimately your gut will tell you which feels right for you. You have a wonderful, interesting opportunity for yourself here. You get to make a conscious choice about your future. So, accept equally either direction, listen to your intuition about both, do what feels right, and then commit to the one you choose.


I left my boyfriend’s name and number and an exaggerated drawing of his male member as a joke on a restroom wall at the airport and he has now had like five skanks call him for dates. Can you believe that?

So that means what, joke’s on you?


We bought the best that money can buy - and it’s crap! Pay more - get the best! Bull! Pay more - get ripped off more! Now I got very expensive junk, that’s all!

(A 5 exclamation point letter, very impressive outrage). Junk is junk, eh? Another of life’s lessons has been revealed.


Do you ever just want to chuck it all and move somewhere else and start a new life?

No. What precisely do you want to chuck?


You know: the wife and five kids, the job I hate, the commute, this stinky city, my whole rotten life that has amounted to practically nothing. Chucking that.

Oh. For sure, no. But you can change your life without going anywhere, you know. FOUND MONEY could help you with that.


Are you a guru for the new millennium?

Just the new millennium? Not all time? Well then, I dunno...


What is your State of the Union?

Things are going to hell in a handbasket. They don’t need to be, but they are. The sleazy side of politics and the profiteering side of business have conspired to take over the world and everybody’s letting them do it. Other than that, things are pretty good.


You probably think you’re the funniest man on the Internet.

Lessee, that would make me the Bobby Bitman of the Internet...all right!


Who’s Bobby Bitman?

SCTV. Eugene Levy is funny man Bobby Bitman.


I love your site and I think you are genuine. I just want to know how you first gained the confidence you have. How do you get confident?

Believe in yourself. Don’t tear yourself down or beat yourself up. Accept responsibility for all that you do, because you are ALWAYS involved. Don’t check out from a part of your life and blame others for some faults you find with yourself. Accept all that you do as you doing your best at that time and then keep doing that until there is no more time, and no more you. You’ll be very confident by then.


I think that actress Sandy Duncan is the greatest. She has a glass eye you know! When I first learned that I tried singing and dancing around my apartment with one eye closed but I kept hitting the walls! I don’t know how she does it! Whatever happened to her?

You know, I almost made this the Letter of the Month because it’s so wonderful, but then I didn’t. Sadly, I don’t know squat about Sandy. Sorry, dear.


I love my husband, but I love my dog more than I love my husband. Is that ok by you?

It’s ok by me.


What is a better kind of tree, an apple or an oak?

Now to my liking, they are both so beautiful that I couldn’t possibly pick one over the other. And I hope you don’t have to make that choice either. If you have to pick, say both.


I’m a triplet. My two other brothers are jerks. Does that make me one too?

Unless others can tell you apart from your brothers (like, if you’re a girl) then yes, you too will be perceived as a jerk. Sucks, huh?


Money is not the problem, I have lots of money. The problem is Maury. Maury is my husband who I want to be my ex husband. I inherited tons of money from my family and Maury is clinging onto that so he refuses to give me a divorce. I told him I would give him ten million dollars and the Palm Beach house if he would get out of my life, but he won’t go for it. Frankly, I wish he’d die in a boating accident. Maury loves his boat. Anyway, whoever said that money is the answer to all of life’s problems, obviously never had any. Because problems are problems, period. Maury is my problem. What’s yours?

Me? No problems right now, thank you for asking. But should one arise, I will see it for what it is - self-created, a thing to be worked upon, and an opportunity to change my life in some meaningful and positive way.


Been down so long don’t know which way is up. Help.

Sit down and make a list of what has gone wrong in your life and a list of what has gone right in your life. Be honest and do it without rancor, malice or recrimination to yourself or others. Now look at both sides of the list and ask yourself if you were present at each and every one of those events. Because if you were there, if that was you, then you know exactly why you did what you did then to become the you that you are now. If you want to change your life (from what it is now), then you must do it fully aware of what you have already done. Why? Because it’s the same process (how you create your life) whether you’re fully conscious of doing it or totally unaware. You are always creating the you that you are; you never stop doing it, even for a moment. So be aware and do it purposefully. Don’t abdicate responsibility for your actions or deny that it wasn’t you. Instead, take responsibility for the life that is as yet, unlived. Create who you want to be and then grow into that person, consciously, intentionally, on purpose.


I think you're great. I think you're funny. I think you're cute. I love reading your stuff. I love visiting your website. That's all.

Aw.


Wow, is this embarrassing. My girlfriend and I got pretty drunk and ended up in a threesome last night for the first time. Only trouble is, it was with this guy, and I did some bisexual stuff, which was great at the time, but I’m embarrassed as hell about it now. What if I’m queer?!

Forget the labels. Am I this or am I that is just an intellectual exercise. If you enjoyed doing what you did last night, then own up to that. That is part of who you are now. You had that experience. It can be on-going or it can be an isolated event. It can be a big deal or no deal. It can be anything you want to make it. My advice? Relax about it.


I am inheriting about a million bucks from my parents when they die, so I’m just waiting ‘till then. I figure they have about 10 more years max, unless some terrible accident happens before then...

Lyle (Menendez) is that you?


Ok, I just found out that my boyfriend is mixed up in crime. He does armed robberies evidently and I am very uncomfortable finding this out. We have lived together for 3 years and have two children together. I am afraid he will get caught and go to prison and I will be forced to somehow raise these babies on my own. How do I get him to go straight?

Obviously there are communication issues between you guys if you have lived with him for years and had no clue what he does. So I am surmising that you two have not sat down and discussed a future free of crime - what that would be, how you would accomplish it, defining new goals, intentions, expectations, etc. So, start talking with each other and figure out what you want and need your future together to be. Define it. Then create it. Live it. I wish you the best.


My cousin is a hick from the sticks and he’s coming here to Montreal to spend the summer with our family. He will ruin all my fun. My friends will despise him. What if he were to get a contagious disease that would make everybody have to stay away? And when would he have to contract it by, to get sick for this summer? In a chat room somebody said malaria would be good. Is that what you would suggest? Thanks.

Let me get this straight. You want to give your provincial cousin malaria so you don’t have to see him this summer? Hard core, dude. Hard core.


My cat has scratched up all our furniture. I know we leave her alone a lot and she gets mad, but is there a way to stop this behavior?

Imagine if you had to spend your days locked in some place with no food, no TV, no books, magazines or anything to read, no radio, no stereo, no music, no company, nothing but where you are. And you had to do this every day, all the time. How bored, then mad would you become? Spend more time with her. Perhaps get another kitty so she won’t be so lonely. Help her live a better life. She’s trying to tell you she is unhappy.
 
My brother in law copped a feel at my sister’s birthday party. Should I tell my sister that her husband stuck his hand in my blouse? More importantly, should I confess that I liked it?

Yes, you should tell her all that, less this escalates and you two end up betraying her behind her back. Let your sister know now what he did and that you liked it. Deal with what that brings.


I am very afraid of dying. I am only 62 but I feel my time is sooner rather than later. How can I get a grip on my fears?

Create a new framework for your mortality (instead of the fear one you are now employing). You do this by reading, learning, talking with others, becoming more knowledgeable about that which scares you, thereby dispelling your fears. When you come to think of your death in other ways (there is an afterlife, you do go on, you will always exist), then fear can be put aside in favor of a more enlightened approach to your mortality. You may find yourself valuing your remaining time on Earth even more, thereby increasing your quality of life before your death, making your death that much more meaningful.


I am meditating everyday. I can’t say I really enjoy it, although it’s different enough that it’s not unpleasant. I’m going to keep at this because you say the effects are worth it. But I’ll tell you, I have done it 3 times now and it’s not doing anything yet.

Good for you for exploring new things within yourself! Meditation is a marvelous way of showing you yourself, exploring reality, and calming your physical self. Those are pretty beneficial attributes of merely sitting quietly by yourself, eh? So good on you. Please keep at it, see what happens.


I spend a huge amount of money on porn and strippers. My tax accountant says that I can’t deduct it because I’m in the insurance business and not the porn business. So I thought, why not go into the porn business? Why not do what I love? That’s what you’re always saying, right? So I’m going to make a porn movie. And it’s all because of you.

Okaaaay. Good letter, that one. It had everything - sex, taxes.


What do you think of the veracity of the New Age movement? Are people really getting better from it?

You could ask the same of religion. It’s been around a whole lot longer...has it made any difference?


But in terms of health, does the New Age movement deliver more than the medical model?

New Age is a way to live your life. The medical model is specific to symptoms, reactive, and often short term. It can be highly effective and it can make no positive difference whatsoever. But it is not a lifestyle. I believe that successfully living by New Age credos is a good way to lessen one’s dependency upon the medical model of intervention, because good health is generated from within, and the New Age movement seems to recognize that. What’s your gut tell you?


That they both have their place and you are either attracted to or repelled by one or the other.

That’s the spirit.


Your dogs are so cute! That Sophie is a doll! Do you have a dog door at your house so the pooches can come and go as they please?

No, but the front door has to be pushed hard to engage the latch. So we leave the door closed, but not latched. This allows both dogs to just push it open with their nose or feet to enter the house. Of course then the door’s wide open (in the middle of winter), but there’s worse things in life.


Sophie is the cutest puppy I have ever seen! But she doesn’t look anything like Tucker. I can’t believe they’re the same breed. What breed is that?

Both dogs are Alaskan malamutes. Northern to the bone, they live and breath ice and snow. Big, powerful, beautiful dogs of high intelligence and independence.


Are leaves good to use as compost material?

They are some of the best.


All the Zen stuff says that you have to let go of things instead of clinging tightly to them. But I can’t seem to let go of my worries for my children. How do I release my grip?

By trusting them. By believing that they have profited from your parenting. By knowing that what you taught them and gave to them will be enough to guide them as they find and create their own lives apart from you.


I was given a new digital camera by my boss at work (I had to return it at the end of the project), but my husband kind of took it over and he started shooting nude pictures of me in the shower and using toys and stuff and now I’m worried that we didn’t erase everything when I gave the camera back yesterday. What if my boss sees what we were doing with it?

This sounds like the perfect updating of an I Love Lucy episode - Ethel, we gotta get that camera back! I don’t own a digital camera, but, um, don’t they all use removable media? Didn’t you remove it?


I live in Europe and you can’t believe what a din there is over here against Bush’s intention to go to war with Iraq. I’m telling you, people hate Bush over here - imagine how the Arabs feel. What is it like over there in North America? Is this a popular war over there?

No, no it isn’t at all.


I can tell from your writing that you’re a Democrat. You are always slighting the right and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m here to stand up for those who think that the world would be better off without Saddam Hussein, drugs and welfare junkies. George Bush is a genius. America needs this war.

Yeesh, sez you.


My Palm batteries just died taking all my addresses with it! Help?!

If you have been synching your Palm up with your desktop or laptop computer, your addresses will still be there. On your desktop, go to Palm’s HotSync Manager and click Custom. Then under the address conduit, select "Desktop overwrites handheld". It will restore your addresses. For more detailed instruction, I suggest you visit the helpful folks at
Palm.


We just got our first computer but it came with a 12" monitor. I think it’s kind of small and hard to see, but my wife says that that is the normal size for a computer monitor and what everybody uses. Is that right?

12 inches! Are you kidding me? That is so not the norm that I don’t even know where you could buy a 12" monitor. That’s amazing. Ok, for a desktop computer 15" is the current low end monitor size that you should be viewing. 17" is way better and worth the upgrade money. 19" is great and 21" is beyond beautiful but expensive. Absolutely, positively, most definitely dump the 12 incher and go to 15, 17, 19 or 21 if you can afford it.


There are always donuts at work. I eat a dozen over the course of a day. I’m maybe 60 pounds overweight. If I quit the donuts, how much weight would I lose?

Are you just stopping the doughnuts or are you making a full commitment to altering all of your eating habits? Because let’s be frank, if you eat a dozen doughnuts every day, you must be bingeing on other junk foods as well. So what are your intended goals? Do you want better health, or are you just happy with losing a few pounds? And how much weight do you want to lose? What are you willing to do for that? See what I mean? You must formulate goals, THEN quit the doughnuts and other junk food.


We bought a computer with a 12 inch monitor too! It’s actually 11.1 inches of viewing space, but it has a rather large bezel around it to make it appear to be bigger than it is. It was hard to see things at first but we got used to it. I say, don’t spend any more money than you have to on a computer. They’re not worth it.

Maybe they’re not worth it because computing with a minuscule screen so sucks? Look, trust me, it’s soooooo much better with a bigger monitor that you can’t even imagine it until you use one.


Like Miss America says, I want world peace. What do you want?

Yes, world peace would be nice.


Darren dragged my cheerleading outfit through the mud. Luckily I wasn’t in it. He is so mean. Okay, I’m too young to buy lottery tickets but I came to your web site because I want to win the lottery so I can buy my parents a house so we can move away from mean Darren. How do I buy your book because I have no credit card and I’m not going to send cash in the mail because you could be a ripoff. Thanks.

No, thank you. And it seems you're twice lucky dear. It happens that your library system has several copies of FOUND MONEY - How To Consciously Win The Lottery in circulation. You can check it out.


You remember that Seinfeld episode where he gets caught picking his nose by the girl he was dating and she breaks up with him because of it? Well, the exact same thing happened to me! What are the odds that my life would be a television script?

About 5 to 3.


Even though the show is over, can I still sue them for stealing my story?

No.


Are we ever going to evolve into space mutants by cross breeding with extra terrestrials?

No.


Is there any way possible that two men can love the same woman and have it work out?

Yes.


What horse should I bet on? I’m at the track right now and there’s one that has my middle name in its name, but there’s another in the same race that has my nickname. Which horse should I bet on? Hurry, the race is coming up!

I’m not interested in betting on animals of any kind, for any reason. You’re on your own.


This is my first time here and I was wondering if your Q&As are your FAQs?

They’re that and so much more.


My girlfriend refuses to wear thongs. She says it’s like intentionally giving yourself a wedgie. But I think they’re sexy. How can I get her to wear them?

If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to. Sad but true, dude. Move on.


Regarding taxes, why can't we eliminate the hassle, error and redundancy and just go directly to the person who reviews our taxes at Revenue Canada to do our taxes? The same people who review your taxes during the rest of the year could sit down with each of us and calculate our taxes, collect our payment or issue our refund right then and there. That would eliminate redundancy and we could get our refunds immediately. Anything wrong with that?

Face to face with the tax man! Intentionally! Ooh, shiver me timbers. Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it!


I made a ton of money this past year and didn’t pay any taxes on it. I say screw the government. They can come after me if they want. I figure they got their hands full with Iraq.

My my, yet another suggestion about how to avoid the dismal prospect of tax preparation. What can I say? This readership is creative if not illegal.


I hold a stressful job. I drink a lot of beer and smoke a lot of dope to take my mind off the work. But don’t get me wrong, I like to drink and smoke. I’d do it regardless of the anxiety my work causes me. My question is whether there are better recreational drugs than weed and beer.

Better than what? Everything has its own properties. It’s all pretty much experiential dontcha think?


I’m only 12 but I’m wondering how you go about planning what career you’re supposed to have. And how do you know what you would be good at?

Wow, you’re only 12 and you read this site?! Shocking. Honey, you have some frightful stage parents pushing you or something? Because most 12 year olds don’t have careers. Really, don’t you think you need to develop a bit more first?


You’re not saying much about the war. How come?

I figure that people intentionally killing other people pretty much speaks for itself.


Have you ever shot a gun?

I have.


Ever fallen off the roof?

Nope.


Can you do multiplication past 10 in your head?

You kidding, past 10 is why god made calculators.


My wife is a nympho. Nothing satisfies her lust for lust. She has strayed in our marriage about a thousand times. For a long time we’ve stayed together for the sake of the kids, but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe she should set up her own business and start making money off all the sex. That would be a good way to embrace her needs and make a lot of money too (my needs). That’s a win-win situation, right?

Riiiiiight, pimping your wife...family income...the sake of the kids, sure, sounds like a modern family values thing to me.
 
I also had a toothache once. It is the worst pain possible. I can see why people take pliers to their mouths. The pain is intolerable. How’s your tooth now?

The root canal is still in progress. Seems I have really long roots or something difficult as that. Another two sessions. At least the pain has gone away.


I can’t believe I belong to this family. Uncle Marty is a perv and my other uncle is a junkie. Why is my family so messed up?

All families are messed up, honey. That is because all families are comprised of human beings, each of us living the newfound life, each and every one of us playing it by ear, winging it, making it up as it goes along. Just some are more developed at it then others. Like you. That's all.


What are the chances that if we take a vacation to Hollywood, we’ll see some celebrities?

Probably better than if you stay in Medicine Hat where you are right now.


Speaking of celebrities, I saw Richard Gere in person and immediately wet my panties. I’m serious, I was oozing for this guy. He is a beautiful person inside and out - but mostly out.

What a lovely story.


I bet you’re not going to believe this but I have been married 9 times. Each and every one of them was true love. All except the 3rd one, it only lasted 2 months, she blinded me by her chest size. I’m single right now. But I’m only 46. I could have 8 more marriages in me before I croak. Would that be a world record? By the way, there is definitely such a thing as love at first sight. It’s happened to me a bunch of times. Your site rocks. Later.

Even though there’s no question in there, I liked this letter.


I bought a really expensive engagement ring and three days after I gave it to my girl, she got mugged and it got stolen. What kind of karma is that?

The bad kind? Look, whether it’s karmic or not, it happened. If you really want to find out what this was about, accept the fact that it happened, and (if necessary) pretend that it was a psychically complicit act. That’s right, imagine that you agreed to have this happen (your girl and the mugger too). Because if it was so, then you should be able to find reasons as to why that event played itself out. Because you got something out of it, so did your girl and so did the mugger. And I’m not just referring to the actual ring either. There are many reasons why we do what we do. Find out why it was so for you, because after all, it DID happen.


My wife served split pea soup at a business dinner! It tasted like chalk and ruined the whole mood of the meeting. Nothing got done after that. And certainly no deals were signed. Do you think my wife betrayed me like that consciously or unconsciously?

Do you mean subconsciously? (Unconsciously means she would have been out like a light.) And speaking of being out of it - why the horror over pea soup? Is it because it’s green? Anyway, the only way to know whether what she did was what you think, is to discuss the incident with her and hash it out. Find out, were you betrayed unconsciously?


I have a legitimate question. You better not make fun of me. I have a very refined sense of smell, and I grew up in a household full of six women, and I can smell when a woman is menstruating. Even on the street. My question is whether I should use my "gift" in a sexual way?

Huh?


I mean that because I know something intimate about all these women who are having their periods, I could use that to my advantage, to maybe score with them.

Say what?


Never mind, I knew you were going to make fun of me.

I would think that telling a woman what she clearly already knows - that she is menstruating - might embarrass her or make her self-conscious, but I’m not so sure it would, you know, turn her on. Saaaay, does it turn you on? Is this what this is about? Hello?


They spelled my name wrong in my wedding announcement in the paper! It said Lila Hobbs and my name is Lisa Hobbs! I’m so mortified. Now I don’t want to even cut it out and keep it as a keepsake. What can I do?!

Perhaps the paper will rerun it with the correct spelling if you explain to them your desire to keep it as a memory of your engagement. Best wishes on your impending nuptials.


This is crazy! I have been arrested by my former wife for stalking! She said I violated the restraining order to stay 500 meters away from her because we ran into each other at the chemists! She started screaming like I was attacking her! I got arrested! She is nuts! Is this the craziest thing you’ve ever heard of?

Not by a long shot. But I couldn’t help wondering why, you know, she had a restraining order against you in the first place...
 
On our honeymoon, my husband shagged the housekeeping girl. Should I divorce him?

Just like I can’t say why you married him, I can’t say why you should leave (or stay with) him. But YOU can. You can say all that and more. So...what do you say?


I just read FOUND MONEY and I am psyched to try your suggestions. How long should I practice the techniques?

You are practicing conscious realization. When you understand that the techniques you are using will produce the desired results that you intend, then asking how long is irrelevant.


Who was better, Keith Moon or Gene Krupa?

There is no better when you’re that great.


Did you ever go to Florida during spring break in college?

Every year. It’s a 24 hour drive straight down Interstate 75. But we didn’t go to Daytona or Ft. Lauderdale and party, we went down to the Everglades. Lord, that place incredible. It’s like stepping back to a reality thousands of years ago - and not a Bud Light sign in the place.


What if you found out that someone you disliked was your uncle? This just happened to me.

Family’s family. You do what you have to do to live with that fact.


This is going to sound corny, but I think that what you are doing here with your web site is fantastic. It’s a real public service the way you talk about accepting responsibility for our own lives. You should be proud.

Thank you, but I’m not proud so much as forthright. I’m just saying what I believe. And as a reader that either resonates or it doesn’t.


For you, what’s the worst aspect of being a publisher?

Shipping and handling.


I am an all nat-u-rel woman. You get my drift?

Uh, no, not really.


I am a big, beautiful woman, fool! BBW? You know that term? Well I am all nat-u-rel all the time. My best assets are my most nat-u-rel booty, and my most nat-u-rel boobs. That’s all I’m talkin’ about, fool. The goods are right here. You want some?

Uh, no, not really.


In hockey, when the announcer says they change on the fly, does mean that the teams have a bunch of flies buzzing around them at the bench?

No, it means that they are changing lines without a stoppage in play.


I didn't think so! I kept thinking how cold it must be in a hockey rink and how could you keep a bunch of flies in one!

Yes, t'would be difficult.


I have fifty Game Boys. I don’t mean cartridges either, I mean fifty machines. I collect them. Someday I’m going to sell them on eBay or to some rich Game Boy collector. In the meantime I’m playing my brains out. My thumbs are getting sore. But it’s worth it.

Uh-huh...


You know what I think? I think those "What can Brown do for you" commercials are the stupidest thing ever. Who sold them that dumbass idea? They already have complete market branding! Everybody knows UPS as UPS, not some lame, "hip", stupid thing like "Brown". And besides, brown is the color of excrement. Which is what those commercials are. Right?

Did we miss our medication this morning?


I’m with that UPS guy. "Brown" is the worst marketing idea I have heard in a long time. I can’t believe the UPS brass went with it. Or that it tested well with an audience. I’m in advertising and I’ll bet you that within a couple of months they will stop pushing the "Brown" commercials.

Take that UPS. Everybody feel better? Are we done bashing this company?


I made a workout CD of ripped tracks for my Mom, but she wouldn’t use it because she said I was ripping off the artists by stealing their music. I told her that was crap and they’re playing music because they are musicians. The truth is no musician ever got into it to make money. They do it because they want to make music. It’s the record company that wants them to make money because then the record company makes money. Well screw the record company. What do you think about this?

You can’t stop technology. File sharing is going to continue. Peer to peers are going to continue. The music biz better come up with a new way of making too much money, because the technology isn’t going away. They are not adapting well and they are suffering because of it.


I work for UPS and I love the "Brown" concept. I also love being able to wear shorts to work. So screw you to you whoever that was that said screw you to us.

Okaaay. Now are we done?


When I grow up I want to be an organ grinder with a monkey on my back.

Now couldn’t that be taken several ways...


I’ve noticed of late that your questions aren't really questions. Why are you publishing them?

Sometimes the best letters don’t have questions, but do have interesting thoughts. If they’re fun to read, I often include them. Entertainment is an integral part of our mandate.


How do you know that the letters you get aren’t fake?

Doesn’t matter if they are. Doesn’t matter if they aren’t. We answer all mail (except spam).


I bought your book from Amazon.com and they sent it to me in two days. And I live in Ecuador! Here, things take weeks, months, not days. How did that book get here so fast?

This is like one of those math questions: If a book is traveling at the same rate of speed as your expectations, how many miles would it have to cover in two days if they passed each other half way? I can't say why you got it so quickly. Perhaps you’re just fortunate?


Our family went to Greece for our vacation. My wife and our 16 year old daughter laid around the beach topless the whole time. When we got home (to Mississippi), our minister called on us to discuss our daughter’s vacation nudity (how he found out, I’ll never know). Now, after his talk, my wife and I feel like perverts, though we certainly didn’t at the time. Have we committed some moral sin? Will our daughter suffer because of this? We are really confused.

Look, if you felt fine about it at the time, then accept that. Frankly, your minister has nothing to do with this. It’s none of his business. It’s your business.


I think you are wrong about it being none of the minister’s business in that letter about the girl going topless. Ministers are the moral backbone of this nation. They and God ought to be involved in every aspect of our daily lives - even on vacation.

Sez you. Why do I need some third party telling me how to act in my life? He’s not living it. I am. All he should know about is how to run his life. Now, if his life is going spectacularly well, then I agree, he is a man to listen to, but if it ain’t, the self-proclaimed affiliation with God sure isn’t enough to blind me to his rhetoric. And by the way, the moral backbone of this nation is each individual’s good conscience, not some minister’s words.


Out of all the places you’ve lived, which has the best drinking water?

Far and away, Hood River, Oregon. The drinking water was sublime. Best water I’ve ever had.


Your ‘nucks got roasted last night. Still think they’re going to the Stanley Cup finals this year?

I do. But you’re right, last night was a brutal game (they could have clinched the series against Minnesota, but instead came unraveled in a 7-2 loss). That notwithstanding, I believe that Vancouver is going to meet Ottawa in the finals this year. 'Course, they still have to get out of the second round.


We bought an exotic car for $82,000 yesterday. My father paid $16,000 for his first house! He’s 91 and he still lives in it. I’m afraid to drive over there and show him the new car because I don’t think he’ll understand. But I want him to see this cool car too! How can I do this?

Show him. If he asks how much it cost, tell him the car costs half as much as it did. How would he know?


Here’s yet another sex question. My wife surprised me by getting all this sexy underwear - but not for her! For me! I couldn’t believe it. She got me these revealing thongs and nipple clamps and -

Nipple clamps aren’t underwear.


I just said that ‘cause I was embarrassed. What she got was all this bondage stuff. Leather whips and choke collars. I think this is really freaky and I told her so but she says that she has been fantasizing about this domination/submission thing and she wants to act on it. Like I said, this is pretty freaky. She’s a school teacher! I don’t know what to do.

Try it with her. Broaden your own horizons. If it doesn’t work for you (or her), then you guys discuss your options and go from there. But if you dismiss it out of hand, she will likely try it elsewhere. Hell, she’s got all the gear! So go on, be a sport. See how you are personally affected. Take it from there. Have fun.


I think you're deep.

Wha, just deep? Not mysterious too? Drat.


I went in to fix my mother’s computer and found all these sex sites bookmarked and then found hundreds of pornographic pictures on her hard drive. Should I say anything to her about it?

Like what? Nice photos, Ma? Is it any of your business or concern that she likes sex (other than the fact that she had to have sex to have you)? And what’s wrong with that?
Look people, sex is great. It is one of the best things we can do with our bodies. Wouldn’t it be nice if everybody quit being so pious or hung up or disapproving or sanctimonious or whatever the hell it is that people pretend to be when they confront sex in any of its forms. Lighten up. Sex is good.


I went to high school with Madonna and back then she was a trailer trash tramp. Don’t you think it’s ironic that now she is trying to portray herself as the good mother all full of family values? Madonna the soccer mom. Right!

People change. So?


My dog loves me so much that sometimes I feel guilty for having to leave him. Why can’t we take our dogs everywhere like they get to do in Europe? I wish it were like that here in North America.

I’d be all for that, sister!


I’m a health inspector and I’ll tell you why they are restricted in most places. Dogs are filthy that’s why. That’s why they’re called beasts.

It’s all what you believe. If you believe that dogs are the greatest gift that mankind has, the most sincere and loyal of all things known to man, and the only giver of continuous and unbidden love to all men equally, without rancor, remuneration or guile, then that’s what dogs are to you. Or they can be filthy mutts. See, it’s all what you believe (to be true). Everything is all that you believe to be true.


Speaking of vermin, my daughter has lice! She got if from the filthy children at her school. I don’t know who’s more wigged out, me or her. Lice are disgusting vermin and because I don’t want them in my house, I made her strip naked and washed her off outside with a hose. Only later I learned our neighbour leered at her while I did this. I reported him to the coppers. My life is out of control. I think I need pills. This isn’t even to mention that my husband is having an affair with a different kind of filthy vermin named Marla. Where’s the sunshine that’s supposed to be in my life? It’s always raining at my house. I’m sick of it too. It wears me out. I can’t seem to change things by myself.

Whew, you know, mental health needs to be nurtured. If you’re stressed or depressed, see someone, eh? Help yourself.


Grace is my name and I am in a state of grace. I am graceful as well. What are the odds on that?

Grace, Grace, and more Grace. Grace thriced. Yes, the odds indeed.


I am a fireman and for the first time in my life I was scared on a call. This has really shaken my confidence. How do I get over being afraid of my work?

You will have to work your way through it. You’ll need to examine exactly what you’re afraid of; all the stuff that precipitated that, all the stuff that will result from the newfound fear. You may feel comfortable examining your life, motives, intentions and beliefs by yourself, or you may prefer the help of someone to talk to (a therapist, a doctor, your wife, etc.). To sum: you need to figure out what it is that scares you and where that came from. From that you’ll be able to figure out how to alleviate or ameliorate the effects of the new found fear.


I love Dr. Phil. What do you think of him?

I think Dr. Phil is ok. He is very much about the person taking responsibility for their choices and actions, as am I.


We’re taking the kids to Disney World but my wife wants to turn it into a sexy vacation for us too. She has bought all this revealing underwear and is starting to talk dirty to me, which I like, but it’s putting me off, this mixing the kids’ vacation with a sexy wife get-a-way. Do you know what I mean?

I do.


What if the kids see us naked?!

Look, if you are uncomfortable with what your wife proposes, you had better tell her now, before you go, rather than later, after you’ve arrived. A vacation is supposed to be relaxing, fun, and enjoyable. Make it all that.
 
Are there really ghosts? I’m pretty sure there are. I’ve seen them.

Truthfully, I don’t know, but why not? And doesn’t a belief in ghosts pretty much mean a thumbs-up for an afterlife? And that means that we go on. And that should be exciting or thrilling or chilling news – and isn’t that what a ghost is? Exciting, thrilling, and chilling news?


My husband is driving me nuts. He is a clean freak. He uses Lysol to wipe down doorknobs before he touches them. He was always bad about this but over the years it’s gotten much worse. I’m at my wits end. I’m seriously thinking of a divorce. Help?

Obsessive-compulsive behaviors are treatable with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Perhaps he might entertain some therapy for the sake of your marriage. Ask him.


Two days before I watched my sister die of leukemia, I had a dream that she had died and we were having a conversation about what her death was like. But when she actually did die, I never had that dream again. What does this mean?

Dreams are real. They may seem like cartoons or fantasies or fabrications to us while we’re awake, but they’re real. If you talked to your sister before her death about her death in a dream, then perhaps it was a way of you helping her to make that transition. And visa versa.


I have not won money in the lottery using your ideas, but I believe your ideas are sound. In other words, it’s not you, it’s me. Will my recognizing that help me on my way toward winning money?

Undoubtedly. If you’re not winning money, then that is what you are creating. So examine that. Examine yourself for conflicts and mixed messages about money, winning, the lottery, etc. You are still creating your world, you’re just creating this one (not winning) instead of another one (winning). But you can change that. And that’s what you’re saying. So best wishes.


Caroline says hi.

Now, are you Caroline and speaking about yourself in third person? Which makes one wonder why you would do such a thing. Or, are you an emissary for Caroline and just delivering her greeting? Which makes one wonder why Caroline didn’t say hi for herself.


What? I don’t understand anything you just said. I’m just saying hi.

Oh. Then hi back.


My father-in-law is a total creep. He creeps me out. He is fantastically creepy. His son on the other hand, my husband, is totally the opposite of creepy. In some cases the apple does fall far from the tree. Thank goodness!

What exactly is the opposite of creepy?


I am a Barry Manilow freak. Does that make me special or retarded?

You are a moth to Barry’s shining light. So be it. Let yourself enjoy what you enjoy and don’t allow the judgments of others to spoil that for you.


My boyfriend keeps trying to mount me when I’m asleep. I always wake up to him on top of me. Once I ask him why he don’t wake me up and he says cause then he don’t have to do no foreplay. What a pig. Why don’t you tell him how to treat a lady.

Having sex with a partner who’s asleep is kind of necrophiliac like, eh? Regardless, tell him to wake you up or tell him to quit doing it if it really bothers you. Speak up for yourself.


I am a political animal. Grrrr. Politics are my bread and butter. I take it one election at a time. I’m always on the winning side. But I want to branch out into business and take on a new challenge – making hoops of money! Grrrr. You guys there have any need for a man such as myself?

No, no we do not. Thank you for thinking we might be right for you, but we’re not.


Basically, I kissed and told and got caught. My husband is furious and my lover has broken it off (his wife clocked him with a lamp when she found out). I will never open my big mouth again when I have another affair. Do you have any idea how much women gossip?! Suffice it to say I learned my lesson. My question is that I like sex. Lots of it. I know I’ll cheat again. What should I do?

Sounds like you have already done something. And will do it again. What’s the problem? Oh, your marriage. Guess you’ll have to deal with that, eh? I suggest you stop lying, that you tell your husband what you just told me, and then you two figure it out from there. What else is there?


You’re a dog person just like me. So I want to know why humans can’t be as loving and loyal as dogs?

They can be. They’re just not usually named Sparky or Princess.


Are you ready for this? I make $250,000 a year and I HATE my job. Any other job would pay me about $40,000. I CAN’T quit! Help!

If making a lot of money is something you hate (you’re saying the money is not worth what you have to do for it), then do something else. Something you would like to do. Sound simple? It is.


At home I switched from cable broadband to ADSL and I love it! ADSL costs twice as much here but I don’t care. Blazing speed is addictive. For a gamer I’d say it’s MISSION CRITICAL to get ADSL! And the fact that I work for the phone company that sells it has nothing to do with my recommendation.

Uh-huh.


This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. I’m a wedding photographer and a few weeks ago this couple called me about a job. They told me they wanted me to shoot not only their wedding – but their wedding night love making! Can you believe that?! Now I’ll be honest, they are not the two most attractive people in the world. But I don’t care! The wedding is Sunday and I can hardly wait! Have you ever heard of this happening before?

No. Have fun.


You’re a publisher, what do you call that comma thing that hangs below the letter c in garçon?

It’s called a cedilla.
 
I am writing this screenplay. Barney loves Martha. Martha loves Carole. Carole is married to Bentley. Bentley has a secret crush on Barney. Bentley confesses his love for Barney, and when Barney rebuffs him, Bentley kills Barney. He frames Carole and she goes to jail for Bentley. Then Martha kills Bentley just so she can be with Carol in the slammer. The end. Would this make a good movie?

Well duh. You got love angles and triangles. You got forbidden homosexual longing, you got flat out woman on woman love. You got murder, a cover up, more murder, and you finish it with two lesbians in jail. Who wouldn’t want to see that?!


Plato once said that all men are sheep, or something to that effect. Was Plato right?

Hey, how come nobody names their kid Plato anymore? You never hear of like, Plato Johnson, Plato Bukowski. Ok, are men sheep? Well, the uncertain ones are. The insecure ones are. The unthinking and the unimaginative are as well. Those who think for themselves, have faith in their thoughts, and have definite ideas about who they are, aren’t. Sheep that is.


I want to live in China. I’m 24 and from Iowa. My family farms 3,000 acres, and my mother and father think my China desire is foolish. I don’t think they want me to go because they don’t want to lose a farm hand. But I am fascinated with China and all things Chinese and I am determined to live there. My mom says for me to vacation there first to see how foreign it all is. But I want to move there and absorb the culture. How do I do it and not make my parents angry with me?

Compromise. Take a vacation there. But who says you have to see the sights? While in China, look into work, check out the restrictions and requirements necessary to move, find out whatever it is you need to find out to either commit to or abandon your desire to live there. Then come back to Iowa and show your parents your level of excitement. Help them understand your commitment. Then do whatever it is you want to do.


Have you heard from Janet Jackson lately?

I haven’t. Have you?


I read your thing about J.Lo. in Canada and I was wondering why entertainers fascinate us?

It’s not just entertainers. It’s the fame, the exposure that makes someone famous, that’s what draws us. Fame is noticeable. Doesn’t matter if it’s Eddie Murphy, Donald Trump, Joey Buttafuco or Bill Gates. Fame makes them interesting to us. And fame is granted by media exposure. And who is watching the media (film, television, the Internet), who is being exposed? Why, us. Thus our fascination. It’s the same principle that advertising is built upon – exposure.


Do you think the world would come to an end if the world ran out of beer?

Nah, but as there'd be nothing to cry into, no one would know how sad it’d really be.


I’m done. I have jumped through all the hoops I’m gonna jump thru. I’ve had it and I don’t care if my mother thinks it’s weird. Whose side are you on anyway?

I’m on the side of truth and justice and the Canadian way. Is that one of the choices?


I called the cops on my cousin’s grow op. He made me mad when he said I couldn’t have any for free and that I could buy it just like everybody else. Is that any way to treat a family member? So I dropped a dime on him. Only problem is now I don’t get any ‘cause they carted off all the plants. Plus, now my cousin wants to kill me after he gets out of prison. I think I screwed up. I should have thought things through. Now I know what you’re going on about all the time.

Yes.


My neighbor is hitting on my wife. I told him to stop it but he didn’t so I slashed his tires. In retaliation he set my garage on fire. I’m contemplating my next move. What do you think I should do?

Is your wife interested in him? If not, then his flirting is harmless (aside from his burning down your garage which indicates he may have more than just amore on his mind). If she is interested in his advances, then that says something about the state of your marriage and perhaps you should focus on that instead.


My father is a minister so I was a total prude in high school, but in college I turned into a raging slut. I found that sex with strangers really gets me off. Now I'm about to get married and I'm not sure I can stop having slutty sex. Will this doom my marriage? Should I tell my future husband about my needs?

Yup. If this is who you are, and who you're going to continue to be, then you'd better inform him.


What is it with stupid politicians running the country all the time? How come nobody smart gets the job? Bush is a total moron, you know?

I do know. I can see why you're unhappy. It's a sad state of affairs, Bush being a moron and all.


My college roommate is a cheat. He cheats on tests, his girlfriend, whatever. Well I am a very moral, upstanding person and I cannot tolerate living with this cheater. But if I go to request a change of rooms, they will want to know why. Should I tell them it’s because he cheats? And isn’t that a bit like snitching?

First you’re saying you can’t live with this guy because he’s not upright enough for you, then you say you can’t move away from him because you don’t want to tell the truth. Huh? Look, in your mind, you have two choices: move or stay put. Pick one.


Why didn’t you ever want to become an actor?

Madonna. She turned me off to it. You ever seen any of her movies?


I just vacationed in Canada and I was blown away. We took the train from coast to coast and it was a little like a Merchant/Ivory movie. The people were warm and inviting, it was uncrowded and unhurried, and the scenery passing by the windows was staggering. Canada is the most awesome place I have ever visited. I can see why you like it there so much.

It is an out and out jewel. I’m glad you enjoyed your experience.


I’m at stage 3, ready to go for stage 4. Is it really as scary as everyone says?

Maybe. But what choice do you have? Stay at stage 3? Go back to stage 2? I think not! Be a man. Face your fears.


I have been having dreams with me and Nicole Kidman in them making love. In my dream we make eye contact at a party and sparks fly. Didn’t you once say that dreams are real? So should I prepare to have sex with Nicole Kidman?

Prepare to have sex with Nicole Kidman? I’m not sure what that means. So I can’t really encourage or discourage you from, um, preparing. You know?


I went to my high school reunion and fell in love with my old boyfriend again. I’m thinking about dumping my husband for him. How do I know if it’s real love this time around?

If you have to ask – it probably isn’t. When it’s real, you’ll know, and you’ll have no need to ask a stranger like me if what you feel to be true is true. See what I mean?


The world is a mean place. I was left hospitalized after a hit and run. My medical bills are enormous and I can’t work anymore. They never caught the guy who did this to me. Why would this happen to me? It must have been a cosmic mistake.

You are having a life experience that seems incomprehensible to you. But you are having it nonetheless. You are not a victim of anything (cosmic mistake or otherwise). You are totally and completely involved. So figure out how to make this work for you. What other choice do you have? You have changed because of it. Make it a change for the better.


I actually wrote the same question to both you and Dear Abby to see what you two would have to say about the same thing. The difference is you answered my question while she just ignored me. You’re great; she just sucks.

You bet!


Are Alaskan malamutes hard dogs to handle and train?

Yes and no. They are highly intelligent, so they can certainly be trained, but they are also highly independent, so they might not want to be (trained). Handling-wise, you’re talking about a big, strong dog. It’s just a matter of how comfortable you are with that.


I hear that Ronald Reagan is a blubbering idiot these days. Supposedly he has Alzheimer’s disease, but I think running the country into the ground is what cracked him up, because he was already an idiot in office. Hey, what if George Bush is really the idiot spawn of Nancy and Ronny? Nobody in the press has explored this notion! Why don’t you look into this?

Ok.
 
Am I the only person on the Internet who loves spam? I love seeing my mailbox full of e-mail. I have no friends so I pretend that all the mail is from some imaginary friends.

Well that’s creative, if not somewhat delusionary.


I am from Cypress and I want to move to Canada. Can you help me?

I have sent you the link to the Canadian Immigration website. There you will find everything you need. Assuming all goes well, let me be the first to welcome you to North America. Best wishes.


I too am a writer. What’s the difference between you and me?

Only our mothers. Other than that, we’re identical.


I like reading all the sex questions the best. So here’s one. Is there any other way to have sex with girls that are out of your league without putting a drug in their drink (because the stuff is getting harder to score)?

You’re drugging women to have sex with them? That’s criminal. You know that? Yes?


We pay all our bills every month and they still shut off the phone line! We couldn’t even call them to tell them it’s off! I had to drive over there. What’s wrong with these people?

Nothing a good face to face meeting couldn’t straighten out. Right?


My brother is a cry baby. My dad thinks my brother will turn out to be a homosexual because he cries over everything. I just want to know, if my brother is queer, what does that make me?

Still his sister.


I hear it’s great in Chicago. I want to move there but I’m sort of afraid it’s a “grass is greener” thing. How can I be sure?

Make the move. If it’s not as great as it’s cracked up to be, make the move back. Then you’ll know for sure.


Why are we so afraid to make decisions? We all agonize over life direction and choices and often regret our choices later. How do you make the right one the first time?

Everything is of equal weight in life. In other words, one choice leads to one thing, while another choice leads to something else. But both are complete, real, fully operational life experiences. Their intrinsic value is unique to each choice. But that is self-defined. Nothing is “good” or “bad” unless we define it as such. So commit to something and then follow that through, absorbing the experience. Make that choice and all that follows something valuable to you, even if it was a negative experience. You are the sum of all you live through. So incorporate it all. This is how you fully realize yourself through your life choices.
 
My sister is hell bound. She tortures animals and is abusive to our parents. She harangues friends and belittles boyfriends. She screams at everybody.

Doesn’t she sound like a real piece of work.


The main problem with her is she is angry and unhappy all the time. Everyone hates her, but I think she hates herself more. As her family, what can we do to help her?

Verbal abuse is one thing, but torturing animals is the sign of a truly messed up, sick, weak human being. She needs help immediately. She needs to discover the root cause of her anger and mean spiritedness and then mitigate that. This can be done with a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. Get her to one before another animal suffers her ignorance.


You called that person messed up, sick and weak! You can’t tell people they’re messed up. That kind of thing could mar a person for life.

Silly me. Change messed up to fucked up.


I won a writing contest at my college! It’s the first time I’ve ever won anything, and to have it be for what I love to do most is just tremendous. Can this sort of thing propel my writing to the next level?

I’m not sure what you mean by the next level, but there is no doubt that positive feedback can be a motivator. Congratulations on your good fortune.


On the computer, if you have a list of stuff where you want to select some of the list for deleting but you don’t want to do it one at a time, how do you do it?

Hold down Ctrl and then click any noncontiguous individual items you want to select.
Or, hold down Shift and then click the first and last item to highlight contiguous files.
Or, Ctrl A will select everything on the page.


Our dog is shedding his coat and the house if full of hair. We are supposed to have guests arriving to stay with us but I’m embarrassed about all the dog hair everywhere. Should I board the dog for the 2 weeks they’re going to be here?

Don’t do that. What a confusing and uncomfortable thing that would be for your family pet. Clean up your house as best you can and explain to your guests that your dog is shedding. If they are not happy about living there with that, then they can go to a campground or a motel. In other words, they should leave (if they don’t like it), not your dog.


I tricked Barry Bonds into signing a picture of himself and sold it on eBay for hundreds. I also have a nearly nude picture of Pete Rose that I’m going to sell. This is what America’s all about!

Is it now. And dude, thanks, the thought of Pete Rose nude makes me want to end it all. Double ugh, you know?


My husband and I got drunk at a party and ended up staying overnight at the house of these people we just met. When I woke up in the morning I found that I was naked and in bed with the other woman’s husband. I have no idea what happened! I immediately got up, got dressed and went to find my husband, who was still sleeping on the couch (fully dressed just like he was when he passed out). I woke him up and we left immediately, without waking the other couple. (The other woman was asleep in their guest room where we should have been.) I can't believe I don’t know what happened! What should I do?!

If you want to find out, then you had better ask the other couple, certainly the husband. If you don’t want to know (because you are fearful of what you’ll find out, you don’t want your husband to know, and/or you just want to forget about it), then don’t ask.


Max called me. I haven’t heard from him in years. He hit me up for some money. Made me mad. Should I give it to him? Tell him off? Beat him up? What?

Give him the money, then tell him off, then beat him up. What?
Really, do whatever you decide to do. Weigh your choices, pick one.


I have signed a professional football contract and I’m having doubts. Between you and me, I don’t think I have the killer instinct these guys have. I like playing the game all right, but I don’t want to win at all costs. I want to be able to walk away from a football career able to do just that – walk. With the intensity of these guys, for the first time in my life, I’m afraid of getting injured. Maybe permanently. What do you think? Training camp starts soon.

I think that if you want, with the help of a sports psychologist, you’d be able to overcome your fears. After all, you must belong there or you wouldn’t be signed to a contract. In other words, you must be good. To be good, you can’t play fearful. You can overcome this. If however, you are looking for a way out, then this fear of injury is as good a reason as any. In other words, if you don’t want to play professional football because you have realized that you don’t have what it takes (mentally), then don’t play. Stop now, before you take this attitude onto the field and really do get injured.


I have the killer instinct, you know. First I was a lawyer. I killed as a lawyer! Even my own clients were afraid of me. I was an animal. Now I’m a super salesman. I can sell anything. I always close the deal. I’m a shark. Don’t mess with me.

Oh, don’t worry, I’m gonna stay as far away from you as possible.


I have read both of your books and I think that what you have to say in them is positive and uplifting. In the olden days I bet you were a prophet. Maybe you were even at The Last Supper.

If I was, it was probably as a waiter. Some more cheese, Jesus?


I was going to be a big home handyman and redo the bathroom. But I screwed it up. The toilet doesn’t work good anymore and is constantly leaking. The pipes are all ok, but the water appears to be coming out at the base of the toilet. I replaced the old toilet with this new one. Maybe it’s no good? You have any idea why it may be leaking?

Did you use a new wax donut around the base when you installed it?


A what?

Uh oh. A wax donut is a ring of bee's wax, approximately 5" in diameter, specifically used to seal the base of a toilet to the sewer pipe fitting at the floor. This essential plumbing component prevents leakage at the base of the toilet bowl. If you didn’t use one, you’ll have to pull the toilet off (shut the water off first!), use a wax ring and reinstall it.


What do you think of lazy people?

That they’re, um, lazy?


My wife just got her nipples pierced! I hate it. But more importantly, I can’t get the image of some sleazy tattoo artist fondling my wife’s bare breasts as he did it. I asked her if she liked having a stranger’s hands all over her but she just scoffed at that and told me it hurt a lot. She said there was nothing sexual about it. But I don’t believe her.

That’s too bad. And that says more about you than her.


I got drunk at my buddy’s wedding and ended up sleeping with his ugly cousin. Now she’s calling me all the time and acting like she wants to date. How do I get rid of her?

Speak to her. Tell her what you need to tell her. How else will she know?


The pleasure of your company is requested at the wedding of my son. Are you coming?

Lessee, since I don’t know you, I don’t know your son, I don’t know your son’s bride, I don’t know when the wedding is, I don’t know where the wedding is, and I never go to weddings unless at least 3 of the 5 previous criteria are met, then no, but thank you for asking.


I know you don’t make these questions up because you have published mine. Now here is the thing. What exactly is the most popular question asked of you? And what has never been asked? Your site is delicious. Thanks.

You’re welcome.
The most popular question, weirdly enough, is how not to name a baby something stupid. I have published variations on this theme perhaps a half a dozen times, but have gotten questions about it 10 times that number. Like I said, it’s weird.
I’ve never been asked to think like a woman. Though I have. When creating female characters for a screenplay or a novel, though not really, because it’s just me and my male mind pretending to be thinking like a woman which, because I’m not, isn’t the same thing at all. I think. What was the question?


I just read your thing on the wagon trains. That was stupid.

Wasn’t it, though?


Har.

Tough crowd tonight.


I have sailed all over the world and the best place I’ve seen is Tasmania. I’m moving there tomorrow. I’ve sold everything here and I’m starting my life over down there. How many people you know do that?!

Yes, ‘tis rare. I wish you nothing but the best on this new redirection in your life.


I’m a lout, no doubt about it. But a loveable lout. You think there’s such a thing as a girl who is drawn to loveable louts?

I suppose, but I do feel a bit icky for her. Falling for a lout must suck. Do you find it necessary to be loutish? And why is that?


I’m glad to see that you’re so crazy about animals. Me too. Do you think something like that is genetic?

I think it’s innate. You are born with it as part of who you are. Whether that’s genetic or not, I can’t say.


We have huge credit card debts and neither me or my husband can seem to stop spending. Everybody says we oughta rip them cards up, but they come free to us in the mail. So I think it’s the banks fault for sending ‘em. Can a lawyer sue for that?

Lawyers can sue for anything. Will you win? Well, that’s another question.


After years of my prodding, we finally did it. The wife and I swung last night. The only problem is I got jealous after I saw how much she was enjoying herself with other people. I think she liked it way too much. It brought out a side of her I’ve never seen before. Now it’s the next day and I’m getting worried. What just happened here?

Let me see if I can sum. You got what you wished for only it’s not what you thought. Sounds like real life, doesn’t it? Now you get to live the experience you helped to create. So figure out how to make it work for you (and your wife).


My college roommate is a total whore. I mean really. She charges guys to sleep with her. Lately guys have been asking if I’ll join in – for a fee, of course. I must admit that I’m tempted, but so far haven’t. It’s hard when I see that my roommate has all the coolest stuff because she always has lots of cash. I don’t know, should I do it?

Think about it, dear. Then do it or don’t.


I suppose you condone pimping too?

Pimping is exploitative. In this case, deciding to charge for sex is an exercise in free will. They are not the same things at all.


I hate rich, corporate America. They are ruining our country. I want to opt out. How do I opt out?

By going to a place where their impact is minimal. This would probably be an underdeveloped country; the proverbial Third World. Corporate America doesn’t seem to be too keen on societies and countries that have citizens with no money, food, or shelter. Go figure.


I have finally figured out how to run my life. I have incorporated some of what you said in your book, and I have made up some of my own stuff. It turns out I have a lot of rules to live by - but it’s working so far. Truthfully, I do feel better.

As well you should. Bravo on your efforts.


Laser Jet or Ink Jet printer?

You can’t go wrong with either, unless you buy a Laser Jet wanting it to print in color, then you should have gotten the Ink Jet.


We all went skinny dipping! I was never so thrilled in all my life. Girls I have fantasized about seeing naked were naked right there in front of my eyes! It was awesome! Do you think they were looking at us and talking about our thingy’s?

Yes, I do.


Because the water was cold and it shrunk us up. Do you think they took that into account?

They’re smart girls.


I will continue to remember this day even when I’m an old man of 50. It was so unbelievably awesome. I hope you liked my story.

What’s not to like? It had everything. The best stories do.
 
I’ve been religious all my life, but it hasn’t really given me a better life. I’ve just begun to realize this. More importantly, it hasn’t answered any of the big questions for me (Why are we here, etc.). Why is that?

Because religion and spirituality are two different things. Spirituality comes from within. You are made of the stuff. And you don’t need anybody but yourself to discover it. Religion comes from without. And they say you need lots of their help. At least once a week doses. Well, if you’ve been going to the same place all your life for succor, and you don’t feel any better because of it, then why don’t you stop going there? The answers to your questions exist inside of you, and come from the exact same place the questions arise. Seriously, check it out.


I got tricked by one of those 3 card monte games on the street. I lost 50 bucks and couldn’t afford to take my girl out to dinner. Now she is mad at me and all I can think about is trying to win my money back. She says give it a rest. What do you say?

Do you want to lose your lunch money too? What makes you think you’re going to beat a street hustler at a street hustler’s game? If you win, it’s only because he’ll let you win - so that you’ll spend more money trying to win again. Only this time you won’t. You’re a mark. And with that attitude (I want to win my money back), you’re a mark’s mark. Your girlfriend is right, give it a rest.


I think Van Morrison is the best troubadour. Don’t you?

Troubadour? Honey, what century you in?


I got food poisoning the day of my wedding. I ate bad fish at breakfast and by the time of the nuptials, I was glued to the toilet. My bride asked the priest if he could give me a microphone and I could say my I do’s from the throne room. But the priest said I had to be in the same room as the bride. Then she wanted everyone to come into the bathroom to do it, but the priest – and me – nixed that one quick. We couldn’t reschedule the wedding because everyone was there including all the California cousins. We also couldn’t take too long because there was another wedding booked after ours. So what did we do?

I’m on the edge of my seat.


I would come out and do parts of the ceremony until I couldn’t stand it and had to run back into the bathroom. Everyone would wait, sometimes 20 minutes or more. I did this 4 times – the priest wouldn’t cut it short either! He had to do the full monty. Plus I felt a lot of pressure to get back out there each time, knowing everybody was just sitting there waiting for me, probably laughing and pitying me. As it was, we delayed the next wedding by half an hour because I could barely make it out the last time to finish up. My bride says it was the worst wedding she has ever heard of and is going to hold it against me for the rest of our lives together. I’m worried, is this any way to start a marriage?

It’s unusual, yes, embarrassing, without a doubt, but a precursor to a marriage? I don’t know if I would give it that much weight. Why don’t you move past the wedding. You guys are married! This should be a very happy time in your lives together. Make it be that.


We just got a new dog and I love her to pieces. Dogs are the greatest things!

I couldn’t agree with you more. Congratulations on your new, enriching relationship.


We got us a huge snowplow that we make money with in the winter, but summers it just sits. How can we make money with it in the summer?

See, a snow plow’s what you call a seasonal item. Given that there is no snow in Summer, there is no need to have a tool that removes it in Summer. So you most likely can’t make money with it in the Summer. Which is why it’s sitting. But you already knew that. Right?


I had my teeth cleaned at the dentists and it cost me $250 bucks. Plus, they want you to do it every six months. I don’t spend $500 bucks a year on cable, which is entertaining, so how in the hell does cleaning my teeth rate higher?!

Yessssss, well, teeth cleaning and cable are kinda two different things, you know. Other than the fact they both cost money, there’s really nothing to compare the two, see. I think you’re saying your dentist is expensive (or your cable is cheap), so um, might I suggest another dentist?


We bought a house with a built-in bar. I don’t drink and neither does my wife, but we’re thinking of taking it up now that we have a bar. Any advice or suggestions?

If you found that you had a 3 car garage, would you feel compelled to buy another car to fill it up? Or might you find other uses for the space instead? Well if you don’t drink, don’t start, instead dump the bar and replace it with something that compliments your lifestyle. Perhaps a pool table, a bowling alley, a hot tub, or a place to store your collectibles? What about a pin ball machine, an extra bathroom, a meditation spot, or a breakfast nook? Oh, how about a sunroom, a…


I admit it, I am cheap. Is there anything wrong with that?

No, but as with everything, there are reasons, a set of ideas you employ that allow you to create that. If you want to stop being cheap, you can examine those precursors and alter your behavior; if you like things just the way they are, then obviously, you needn't do or think anything more than you are, because you are already creating the desired result.


I want to be an artist. I already think I’m an artist, but how do you know?

If you think you are, you are.


Well then, what is art?

Something different to each of us, but in general, I’d say art is a meditation on the experience of life, for both the creator and the observer.


This would be funny if it wasn’t so scary. I am seeing ghosts in my bedroom at night. Every night just before I fall off to sleep, right by my closet door, a man and a woman ghost hover. I get so scared I end up staying up and watching TV all night, afraid to go back to my room. They don’t talk or do anything, they just hover. I’m getting really exhausted. What should I do?

Why are they so frightening to you? Because they challenge your previously held convictions about your worldly experience – something that didn’t allow for the specter of ghosts being real. Yet for you, they are real, and you have no framework for real ghosts. So you’re scared. So create a framework. Rule one – accept what is happening. You are seeing them. If you weren’t so afraid of that very idea, what would you do next (to try and help yourself understand what you’re seeing)? Interact with them? Question them? What? See what I mean? Explore the fearful thing and you will become unafraid.


I never wear panties. I’m a business executive and always wear a skirt or dress to work. My secretary is a good looking young man, and I have found great pleasure in flashing him. It gives me a feeling of power to know that he can’t dare approach me or I will bring him up on sexual harassment charges. Look but don’t touch is my motto. But lately he is getting bolder and a little more aggressive. How can I get him to simmer down?

Get dressed. Stop flashing him. Quit screwing around with your secretary’s libido. Sexual harassment works both ways, you know.


I pray every night but so far my prayers have been unanswered. Am I doing something wrong?

Quit putting your faith in some 3rd party and act on your own behalf. Whatever it is you are praying for is probably achievable through your own means. Just do it.
 
Can you believe my neighbour? She just killed her husband with a shovel! I’m feeding her cats. I’m still in shock. She sliced his brainpan open with the pointy end. Why do people kill with shovels?

Yes, that is the question. Perhaps we ought to license shovel use? You know, like a driver’s license, you’d have to first pass a test. And just like it’s frowned upon to use your automobile to mow down pedestrians, you shouldn’t be allowed to kill people with shovels either. A picture ID would be best, I think.


I love all things Canadian. Though I live in the U.S., and I was born in Argentina, and I have traveled all over the world as an IT consultant, I love Canada the best. I have studied your history and politics. I have traveled to every province and territory. I have even become a hockey fan. Without a doubt, you are the nicest people I have ever met (tied with the Australians). My only question is, can it last?

Without a doubt.


I spent over $3,000 on a computer with all the fixin’s. But it still crashes and is causing me compatibility errors. When are they going to get this stuff right?

BillGates@microsoft.com


If you’re so smart and advanced, how come you still get spam like the rest of us?

Guess I’m not so smart and advanced, eh?


I started meditating after reading your book FOUND MONEY and I have to say that I think it’s better than doing yoga. The mind-body connection is an amazing experience and I can’t imagine not doing it now. I feel so much calmer. The stress of everyday life no longer mounts until it is intolerable and I blow my stack. I never even knew I had a calm center before! Thanks.

No, thank you. If you’re calmer, your place in the world is calmer, and we all benefit from that.


I bought a new BBQ grill and I can’t figure out how to assemble it. The instructions got all wet because I was trying to do it in the rain and they tore because I stepped on them all wet and now I can’t read them. The grill is in pieces on my deck. How can I put this thing together and start cooking some crawfish?

Does the company have a website? Are the instructions on the site? What about a telephone number or an e-mail address? What about the retailer who sold you the grill? Could he photocopy the instructions from another new grill? Could he even put it together for you? One of these things will work, try it. Best wishes.


My wife has cheated on me. I don’t know what to do about it. My religious background tells me to divorce her, but I’m not sure that cheating is worth breaking up our family over. What do you think?

It’s as big a deal as you want to make it. My suggestion is to examine why the event took place. Is it indicative of something else? Trouble in the marriage? A spontaneous moment of passion? Is it likely to be repeated? Can you live with that? etc., etc., etc. We do what we do for reasons. All of us. Find hers and you’ll find yours.


We’re buying a new car. The problem is I like one car and she likes another. Neither of us can seem to compromise. We’re at a loggerheads. How do we solve this?

This is not unlike the naming the babies letters I get all the time.
You must be able to find a car that is mutually acceptable to both of you. That means that the one you have selected, and the one she has picked – neither of these are it. There is another vehicle out there for you guys. One you will both like. Keep looking. Find it. Be happy together.


Is there any way to read faster if you are a slow reader? You have so much stuff on your site that I find I am spending huge amounts of time reading the material. It’s funny, but slow going for me. You keep adding more stuff and I keep falling behind. Do you have a Cliff Notes version of your site?

Hey, KeithNotes, hmm...no, sorry. Listen, I’m sure there are ways to improve your reading speed, but really, reading it faster doesn’t make it better. You’re talking about the mechanics of reading, I’m talking about the content of what you read. Just take your time. Don’t worry about catching up.


I am an important man. I’m sure you can tell from the little misspelling in my e-mail address name, what my real name is. My question is thus: Do those without money, really hate those with it? I mean in a pathological sense. Is the disparity between the haves and have nots more a psychological issue rather than a fiscal one? In others words, should I be afraid of those who might see me as someone to assail?

I can’t believe you read this site. I would think we’d be a bit outré for someone of your staid stature. Huh. Ok, the answer is as unique as each individual’s thought processes. What goes on inside another man’s head, who can say? Some may love you for your money; some may hate you for your money. If however, you persist in creating a scenario where you think you’re vulnerable, then you are. And that is happening from inside the one head you can control and change. Yours.


I just bought a big rig. I had to sell my house to get it, but I figure I’ll be living in the truck on the road and don’t really need a house. My wife and 11 year old son see things in a different way. They now live with grandma. I think we’re getting divorced. We’re fighting mostly over the laptop. I need it for the porn because of the loneliness of the road, and she says she needs it for all her chat room buddies and cyber lovers. How do we split the computer?

Funny thing is, computers don’t split. You kinda have to have the whole thing to make it work, you know? What you need is another computer. My take? If you can afford a tractor trailer (what, $80,000 or so?), you can afford a new computer (what, $800 bucks or so?).


Regarding that truck driver, how can you condone a person using their computer strictly for pornography?! It’s appalling. That kind of content should be outlawed and our children should never be exposed to it. I’m disappointed in you.

Pornography is sex. There is nothing wrong with sex. Obviously you don’t agree with that. That’s too bad.


How often are you supposed to have sex? I’ve been married for two years to a woman who wants sex daily. Are you really supposed to do it every day? We are both from a religious background and neither of us ever had sex with anybody else. So when you’re married, how often are you supposed to do it?

You do it as often as you do it. Whatever that may be. There are no rules. Enjoy.


I want to curb my tendency to spend money as fast as I get. How do you do that?

By consciously changing the beliefs that cause you to do exactly that now. WHY you feel the need to spend it as fast as you get it needs to be addressed. Once you find out your psychological reasoning/need for doing that, then you can change the behavior to whatever it is that you desire. But first you must recognize what drives you to unload money as fast as you get it. Get it?


Can you tell me if it’s best to buy a house now when we can least afford it, or keep renting until we have enough saved up to buy one?

No, I can’t really tell you anything about that. But you can. And your wife can. Together you can decide what course of action you will pursue. Only you guys know your circumstances, desires, and intentions. So settle on it together, whatever it shall be, and commit to it. Then make it happen. Best wishes, eh?


I was actually called a floozy by someone today. What the hell is a floozy? I’m 19. Thanks.

According to Merriam Webster:
Main Entry: floo•zy
Variant(s): or floo•zie ‘flü-zE/
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural floozies
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1911
: a usually young woman of loose morals


Bargain basement underwear is the worst! It itches! My wife refuses to spend good money on underwear because she says it’s just for soiling anyway. I can’t believe I’m a grown man whose underwear itches! For the love of God, how did I end up here?

Oh my goodness... uh, can you not put an end to this by buying your own? Is that like hard to do for some reason?


Some people say you’re weird, but I say you’re sensible. Your answers to these questions are just plain sensible. You keep it up.

Me? Weird? Well I never! Really? Jeez.


I’ve been downloading music for years. Do you think the RIAA has me in their sights?

Probably. Sigh.


Well I don’t want to be sued! What are you supposed to do? I’ve already stopped downloading. What do they want from me?

To scare you. Sounds like it's worked. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe it isn’t.


My brother-in-law wants to go into business together. What do you think about relatives in business together?

Man, it could be the greatest thing in the world, someone you can trust, or it can be an unmitigated disaster, pitting family member against family member and forcing relatives to take sides. Or something in between. So, what's your take on it?


My college roommate thinks my Mom is a hottie. He was following her upstairs and bent down to peak under her dress. He then turned around and told me that she wasn’t wearing any panties! I remember feeling so uncomfortable. I keep thinking about it. What should I do?

About what? Your roommate being a voyeur? About your disgust? like? fear? of your mother not wearing undergarments? You’ll have to be a bit more specific here.


My name is Cubbie. It is not a nickname. Of course, I am from Chicago and my parents are diehard Cubs fans. All my life I have been embarrassed about my name – everyone I meet says, Glad to meet you, wait until next year! But last night, the Cubs won! They beat Atlanta and won a post season series for the first time in almost a hundred years. Now I am so proud of my name! I never realized you could go from being embarrassed to elated so quickly. Now I am so happy my name is Cubbie!

Congratulations on your turnaround. It’s much more enjoyable to like something than hate something, eh?


I served Sting! He came into our cafe and had a piece of pie! I kept the fork that was in his mouth! I’m so excited. My boyfriend said that now I possess Sting’s DNA from the saliva on the fork and that I could sell it on eBay for a zillion! This has been the most exciting day of my life! How much do you think celebrity DNA is worth?

Whew. Sting’s bodily fluids. Man oh man. Poor guy. Honey, I don’t even know what to say. You’re fabulously excited; I’m kinda repulsed. Call it even.
 
We try and make as much money as we can, but it’s never enough. Maybe I should just win the lottery like you say. How much is your book?

FOUND MONEY, How To Consciously Win The Lottery is available as a download for $2.50 USD. It’s a book about how to change your life, with money and without. You up for that?


You want to send me the winning numbers for next week? I’ll split the pot with you.

Pardon me for asking, but if I knew the winning numbers, why would I need you? Why wouldn’t I just play them myself?


We won $50,000 on a scratch ticket! Now I believe that I can win millions in the lottery. So that’s next. Thank you for opening my eyes with your book. It has literally changed my life.

Congratulations on your good fortune. I’m glad that FOUND MONEY has been an aid to you. Thank you for writing.


My wife sleeps late every day and stays up all night Internet gambling. I’m a little concerned with her behaviors. Any advice?

You had better discuss with her those concerns. If she has a problem with gambling, then it is in the best interest of all parties to address that sooner rather than later.


I wrote you a while back asking what we could do with our snowplow in summer and you said we couldn’t do nothing. Well winter is almost here and now we find the plow is broken. Can’t fix it neither ‘cause they don’t make that part no more. This is all your fault ‘cause we let it sit all summer like you said instead of making money with it where we woulda found the problem earlier. Now what are we supposed to do?

Well, it seems to me you either figure out how to fix it, or you don’t. If you fix it, you have a snowplow; if you don’t, you don’t (have a snowplow). My question to you is: if I gave you such awful advice before, how come you’re asking for my advice again?


I find I’m being snide to my 25 year old son. I think it’s because I’m jealous. He has his whole future in front of him and I’m staring down this crappy job for 10 more years. It’s mind numbing. Anyway, what I really want is for my son to move out of the house. Without kicking him out, what can I do to get him to leave?

Wait a minute, you said your son has his whole future ahead, but you don’t? Is that right? Bull, dude. Your future is as malleable as your son’s. You can CHOOSE to stay where you are, hating your job and your life like you currently do, or you can CHANGE it to something else; something you might love doing or being. This is your choice. Your son, really, has nothing to do with your ennui. Recognize this, take charge of your own life, and your son will see that, and it may well inspire him to do the same with his life. Then when he leaves, it won’t be hating something that drove him out (you; your attitude), it will be spurred by something he is pursuing; a dream, a love, a passion. In other words, wake up, get excited about your own life. All these other problems will disappear.


The distance between cities perplexes me. How come some are so far apart and others practically merge into each other?

Excellent question, my friend. The distance between cities is regulated by a small group of semi-retired civil servants in South America. They meet once a month and decide how far apart things should be. There, not perplexed anymore, eh.


I went to Europe and tasted hashish for the very first time and was shocked at how much fun it was. The stuff is great! I loved it. We had such a good time. It was the best vacation – by far – that I have ever taken. I can’t believe I have lived 54 years shunning this because America made me feel so freaked out about drugs. I’ll tell you, I drink plenty, and alcohol is such a crappy and rough high compared to hash. I can’t believe I can’t buy this legally in the States. Is hash legal in Canada? I’d move up there if it was.

Nah, hash isn’t legal in Canada. And in truth, hashish is more of a European commodity. North America is bigger on smoking pot. Did you try that too?


Wilson’s my name. Can you guess if that’s my first or last name?

Um, I say it’s your first. What do I win?


My grandma is stingy and stubborn. She moved in with us 3 months ago and it has been hard for everybody. Daddy says we have to be nice to her because she has all this money he wants from her will. But she’s a cranky old bat. Since I’m not getting any of the money, I’m going to tell her off. You see any problem with that?

Look, regardless of her personal behaviors, family is family. Just as she affects you all, you all affect her. It works both ways. So before you act/react, take in the bigger picture, including if you can, things from her perspective. Then do whatever it is you do, live with whatever it is you’ve done, and that’s that.


I hope I win a million - candy bars that is! I work in a factory making a very popular candy bar whose name I'm not going to mention. There is a contest going on in the company to win either $100,000 or a million candy bars. I'm taking the candy! I've worked at this place for ten years and I'm not sick of 'em yet! I love my job! Neat, huh?

You bet. Goodness, what a hopeful story. It had everything: love, food, a contest.


Went to Paris and lost my head. Fell for this French guy with no job and a tic in his right eye. Came back to Toronto, filed for divorce from Ed, my husband, and moved to Paris to be with Jerry. But it turns out Jerry only wanted a ticket into Canada. He dumped me in Montreal. Now I want Ed back. Do you think it’s too late?

A French guy named Jerry? Sorry it didn’t work out like you’d hoped. The only way to find out if you can rejoin Ed, is to ask Ed. Have you done that? Try that.


I’ve worked so hard to better myself. I’ve been in therapy for six years. Then I see someone like you who seems so much more together and I despair that I will ever get to that point. Then I’m depressed again. How do you get to be where you are?

Life is not a competition, though it is a playing field of sorts. Where I am in my personal development, and where you are, are not in any way meant to be comparable or connected. It’s true, we are both going through the same thing - experiencing a life, incorporating those experiences, and growing as a result of them – but no one is pitted against another. No one “wins”. The goal here is to become aware. That’s what we’re all trying to do.


I played some blackjack and lost a couple of thousand. I slept with 4 different hookers. I drank a lot! I played poker and keno and even dropped the odd buck into a slot. I saw a magic extravaganza and a high class strip show. I love Vegas! I go three times a year and do the same thing every time. My buddies want to try Atlantic City next. I’m leery, do you think it will be as good as Vegas?

Not as good, just different.


Do you use a mousepad?

I do and I don’t. I do because it has a wrist rest built in, but I use an optical mouse so I don’t really need one. And sometimes I get tired of the wrist rest and banish the mousepad entirely. Then I don’t (use one).


My wife had sex with my best friend behind my back. I divorced her and stopped being friends with him. Now I’m lonely and I bet they are having a great time with each other. How did this happen to me?

Nothing happened to you except the choices you made and the effort you expended to create the situation you are now in. You could have reacted to your wife’s infidelity with your best friend in a myriad of ways. You chose the one that has resulted in your current circumstances. There you are.


Our daughter was learning how to ride her bike and ran over a squirrel! The squirrel lay screaming and writhing under her training wheels until it died. Our daughter was thoroughly traumatized. Now she refuses to go near her bike and talks constantly about killing the squirrel. We don’t want her to be scarred for life with this. What should we do?

Hold a “proper” burial for the squirrel. Dig a hole in your yard, put the animal in a shoebox and have a little ritual with her as you all bury the valiant squirrel. This will give her some closure with the event. Given enough time, she will return to her bike and carry on with riding again.
 
I have tried controlling my life like you said, but I think it’s impossible. Everything just seems to happen to me. It’s like I’m in a tornado being blow all over the place. I’m in perpetual reaction mode. Stuff just keeps coming at me. What do I do?

If you find yourself unable to manage your life, perhaps the acquisition of some life skills and tools would help. These can be learned from a psychologist, a mental health centre, or through an outreach program sponsored by the Ministry of Human Resources. Make a phone call and gather information. Then help yourself to cope by getting some help coping. You can do this. Best wishes.


Why do I doubt myself all the time? I second guess everything I do.

I give up, why do you doubt yourself all the time and second guess all that you do? And moreover, why don’t you stop that, now that you’re cognizant of doing it? Why don’t you do something else. Like trust yourself. Trust that your choices were the best you could do at any given moment, because they were. Count on yourself. That’s good advice.


Is there really a hell that you could go to after you die?

No, there isn’t.


My shoes are so fine they’re making me dance. I bet you wish you were me.

No, I don’t.


My wife is sexy. Boy is she ever. Jealous?

No, I’m not.

People, people, people. Let’s think about these questions first, ok? Thank you. Next.


Could you please explain the hydradic equation to me?

No, I can’t. I have never heard of the hydradic equation. I have my doubts as to whether there is such a thing. So I can’t possibly explain it. I'm gritting my teeth. Can you see me gritting my teeth? Next.


We bought a great new SUV and in the first week some jerk ran his key alongside the driver’s door while it was parked at the mall. The dealer said it would cost $800 to repair. I can’t afford that. It cost everything just to buy the truck. Why would someone be such a jerk and do that?

Well let’s see, perhaps it was random and arbitrary as you are assuming, but then again it can be anything, right?, so you could have cut someone off at a light and made them mad, or taken someone’s cherished parking space at the mall, or someone who knew you and didn’t like you, followed you to the mall, then scratched it up good while you were at Sears, or… Maybe you’re to learn a lesson about being too proud, too invested in material objects, or maybe you had a psychological need to have your new car just a little bit tarnished… Or…you fill in the blanks. You are involved, so think about what this means to you, and what you will have to do to make it something you can live with, until it is something you can fix. Remember, we’re talking about a scratch. No one blew your car up. No one died. It’s just a scratch.


I’m the guy with the shoes before. I danced my way all over town. You missed a gooooood time, Mr. Smarty Pants Quiet Feet. Hope your butt felt real numb sitting on your couch all night. I was floating on air! I’m not ever going to ask you again either. Toodles.

Buh bye.


Is it cool to be in love with your cousin? Man, does she turn me on.

Woo doggie, your cousin as a love interest. Let me put it this way – in some states it’s illegal, in others it’s immoral, and in still others it’s a way of life. Since I don’t know where you live, I really can’t advise you.


That Maddie dog of yours is so cute! She looks like a soft, fluffy ball. I love puppies when they look like that. Are you going to breed her?

They’ll be no breeding for Maddie girl.


I was betrayed by my boss who stole my productivity idea and sold it as his own. He got promoted and I’m still a schmuck nobody in accounts receivable. I don’t care what you say, life is unfair and it sucks.

Yes, well some feel that way. Personally, I don’t subscribe to that theory. If you’re unhappy about what’s happening, change it. Don’t let this happen again. And you’ll be able to do that precisely because of what happened. See?


Your book is so simple. No new ideas to embrace, just the familiar meditation/create your own world thing. Well I’m going to try it because if it works, I’ll be richer for it. If it doesn’t, I’ll be writing you in a heartbeat for you to explain yourself.

There, that’s the spirit.


Now this is crazy: My wife’s mother came on to me! Worst thing is she’s fat and ugly. It’s not the first time either, but it’s the first time not drunk. My wife is the suspicious kind and prone to violence too. How do I get out of this one?

What a sitcom like situation. Ok, you have an easy choice here. Tell your wife what’s happened. That’s right, tell your wife that you have discouraged her mother’s sexual advances - so far…Then step back and let your wife deal with her mom.


I got this computer at Wal-Mart. Does that make me stupid, trailer trash?

No, living in a filthy trailer and having an IQ of 4 makes you stupid trailer trash.


I dated Nicole for four years and cheated on her constantly during that time. Then she cheated on me so I dumped her. My mother says this is a double standard. What do you call it?

Insensitive, immature and boorish.


We bought a huge SUV and now our neighbours are giving us grief about it all the time. The trouble is, I love it. I feel really secure and strong when I’m driving it. Hell, I feel superior. However, the joy has gone out of it for my wife as the neighbours heckle her when she drives by. Should we sell the SUV or move?

Ah, to stand your ground or give in to peer pressure. Not too different from fifth grade, huh? Saaay, what’d you do then?


My boss is the world’s biggest ass. I hate him for his stupidity as much as I do his brown nosing. He’s in the way of my career. How do I take him out?

A different way to look at this might be how do you so exhibit yourself, your abilities and your talent in such a way as to get noticed by those above and beyond your boss? Because if you can look good, you won’t need to worry about making him look bad. Focus on yourself, not on him.


I’m dating a man twice my age. He’s really sexy. Actually he kind of looks like my father, which is funny because he’s a salesman at my father’s car dealership. And everybody says they look like father and son. So I’m kind of dating my father’s son which would be like my brother which would be wrong. Right?

Honey, you got so much stuff going on in that letter that I don’t even know where to begin. My advice? Do what makes you happy. The rest will sort itself out. It always does.


Do you consider yourself a cynic? Because I’m a cynic. The world is toast. We’re all gonna die.

I can be cynical. But I don’t have to be. Neither do you.


We blew up the car. Some big piece of metal come flying off the motor while we was driving 65 down the Interstate. Engine stopped working immediately, we lost the power steering and crashed it into two other cars before we got stopped. It was still under warranty. Dealer wants to give me another one. My wife says it’s a deathtrap and don’t want it. My son does cause it’s fast, got a Hemi. I don’t want to die but a free car sounds pretty good. What do you think?

Well, if a “big piece of metal” came flying off my engine while I was driving down the Interstate, and it didn’t kill anybody as a result of it being a metal projectile launched at 100 km/hour, and those in the car didn’t suffer any deaths either directly or indirectly as a result of losing the steering and getting the wreck stopped, and then through a gracious dealer have the chance to do it all over again, or worse, well, no, I would have to decline that offer. But that’s just me.


I’m learning Sanskrit! I wrote you once before and told you I was learning Greek, but you never printed my letter, but that turned out to be ok because the Greek thing never panned out. But I really like Sanskrit. It’s got pictures! Plus, I only wanted to learn Greek so I could order Greek food at a Greek restaurant in Greek. But like I said, that didn’t pan out.

I’m so sorry.


I really want to better myself but I don’t know where to start. Where do you start?

You’ve already started. Your desire for change has started generating change. You are asking questions, seeking sources, looking for a way to begin that which you have already begun. I say, relax, literally. Get quiet with yourself somewhere. See what you think about, think about what you want, and create an intention to achieve that. Then go on about living your life with that in mind. You can achieve anything you want. So define it, commit to it, do it.


What is the Big Secret of life?

You can wear white after Labor Day.


Har har. Really, I’m serious.

The Big Secret is that there are no secrets. All the questions have answers. Everything in and of your life is in plain sight.


Do you get bored easily?

I think I used to, but it’s less so now. I can pretty much find something interesting in everything I do, but that’s not to say everything I do is interesting.


It’s bedtime for Russell. Could you sing him a nighty-night song?

Russell yo,
It’s time to go,
To sleep. To sleep. To sleep. To slee…


We bought a beautiful 7 foot Grand piano that looks absolutely stunning in our living room. The problem is the cat sleeps on it. It doesn’t look right to have the cat on top of the piano. What do you think we should do?

I don’t know. The cat, the piano, must they be mutually exclusive as you suggest? I don’t know.


Butter tarts or pecan pie?

Pecan pie!


I swindled my brother-in-law out of $3,000 cash. He’s about the dumbest hick on the stump. Anyway, do you think I should invest this money or swindle him some more?

He’s a relative now, bubba. Is that a nice thing to do to blood?


I’m a player. Different chick every night. My apartment is a shrine to love. But my day job is starting to crimp my style. They want us to wear uniforms. I ain’t no corporate slave! But if I quit, I can’t afford my pad. If I don’t have my super fly crib, I don’t get no booty. It’s a vicious circle. How do I get it all?

Your social life is not your job, and visa versa. So why are you letting one define the other? You hate your job? Find another one you like better. You have to move to a cheaper apartment? Make that one fly. Come on, this isn’t rocket science. You either stay on the treadmill you’re on, trading off one thing for another, or you step off the treadmill and do something else. Right?


Ding dong the witch is dead. My stepmother finally kicked the bucket and I feel free. It’s like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. While they was lowering her into the ground I started drinking my wine. I’m going to get real drunk tonight. You wanna join me?

Uh, thanks, but no thanks. Though I am curious, which goes with burials, red or white?


It just goes to show. My stepmother died recently too and I wept like a baby. I miss her tremendously. I think that other guy is callous to celebrate his stepmother's death by getting stinking drunk.

It's called the human condition, and we all manifest it in our own inimitable way. In other words, each to his own.


I was recently in Iraq. I’m from South Africa and have business dealings over there. Seeing first hand what has been perpetrated in that country by the American people under the false lies of terrorism and hidden weapons, is inexcusable. I like George Bush’s conservative ideas about money, I deplore his hegemony and demagoguery. He has to go. Who are you voting for in the next election?

The thing is, they don’t allow Canadians to vote in American elections. I know, talk about provincial.


I feel so calm these days. It’s wonderful. It’s like someone draped chiffon over my life. You know the feeling?

Draped chiffon over my life... Very sensuous. Sure, I’ve glided on the Teflon of a perfect flow. Quite nice, it is. Do enjoy.


My girlfriend gave me a hickey and my wife blew a gasket. Is there such a thing as hickey remover?

That's so cute! No.


I got all this plastic surgery and frankly, I look fabulous. All kinds of men are paying attention to me now. I want to test the waters. How do I tell my husband?

I’m not sure what you mean by “test the waters”, and if your husband doesn’t either, then perhaps you’d better explain it to him. Changing your face is one thing, just don't lose your head.


Parallel or perpendicular?

Hmm, one way you go with the flow, the other you cross it. What do you think?


I’m leaning toward perpendicular.

Then perpendicular it is. There, that’s done.


I’m growing ganga, mon. You come to da Island, you look me up, I’ll hook you up. You do come to da Islands, don’t you?

Can’t say as I do. I’m not much of a warm weather kind of guy. But thanks for the offer, you’re too kind.


My boyfriend is sooooo immature! I can’t wait for him to grow uppppp! What if I spike his drink with HGH?

Human growth hormone? Uh, you probably don’t want to be doing that without his knowledge or consent. You guys sound like a fun couple.


I applied for a great position and I got it! I can’t believe it – but I do! I’m so excited and really nervous. In your book you never say what happens after you pull it off. How should I react? Can I cope with really getting what I wanted? Help!

Take a deep breath. Ok, now getting what you wanted is exciting, granted, but don’t stop doing what you did to make that happen, remember, you are continually creating your future, just as you created this exciting present moment. So continue to create what you want. Is it challenging? Sure. So?


I’ve allowed only 3 'A's in my class in the last six years. Those students were beyond exceptional. I recently found out that one is now a crack dealer in Harlem. How could something like that happen? This boy was brilliant and destined for greatness. What a waste.

A life is a long time. He might still be on his way to greatness, just not by your definition. And any experience you have in life is definitely not a waste. With that statement you place a value judgment on the quality of the experience, as opposed to embracing the literal experience itself. Even bad experiences enrich our lives. He’s living the life he’s living, as are you, so give him credit for that.
 
Hey, I own a new Toyota Sequoia too! I love my truck! I just want to know why you didn’t buy another Landcruiser if your other one was such a good truck?

The Landcruiser is far and away the best machine we have ever owned. To us, it is a soul in metal. And you’re right, we would have bought another Landcruiser – if they only sold them in Canada. Can you believe that? Toyota hasn’t sold the Landcruiser in Canada for like 10 years because Toyota luxed it up and made it so expensive that most Canadians can’t afford it. So they don’t even sell it here. The most capable 4WD vehicle in the world (alongside the Land Rover), isn’t even sold in what, the second largest country on Earth, with the most wild land left of any other place on the planet? Go figure. To us, the Sequoia was the next best thing.


There are going to be fires and famine! The world is going to blow itself up – and soon! The future has been foretold. Peace, bro.

Great, I finally get a new car and the world is going to blow up. That’s just great.


My name is Judy and that rhymes with duty and I am so anal you wouldn’t believe it. I have an obligation to clean everything to the best of my ability all the time, everywhere I go. What do you think about that?

More importantly, what do you think about that? You like that? You want to keep on doing that for the rest of your life? Or might you want to free yourself from the imposition of obligation and duty? Because you can. Quit the behaviors, I mean. There is help, there are tools, there are ways to free you of those restrictions. A family doctor referral to a psychologist, or availing yourself of the local Mental Health Centre services might be just the ticket to a new life free from those self-imposed demands. As always, these things are up to you.


I saw Janet Jackson in a thong! I was in a clothing store and so was Ms. Jackson (if you please). At one point, while looking in the mirror at the outfit I was trying on, I saw behind me her dressing room and the curtain wasn’t closed all the way. She was in a black thong. Now here’s the big part – I grabbed my cell phone and snapped a picture of it. You can pretty much tell it’s her, even though part of her face is a little hidden. Should I try and sell it to some tabloid or something?

How cheesy. No, you shouldn’t try and exploit Janet Jackson. (By the way, I’m no lawyer but I would think that taking surreptitious pictures of someone undressing in a changing room might just be a criminal offense. You think? You think Ms. Jackson’s lawyers might think so too?)


I got stinking drunk to welcome in the happy New Year and then passed out before midnight. Was it a good one?

One of the best. 2004 came in right on time, while 2003 slipped away unnoticed in all the hoopla. It was exactly as it was supposed to be.


I’ve been gone awhile. I went back to college and got my hygienist degree. I worked for one dentist already but he tried to grope me so I quit. Did anybody miss me while I was gone?

Of course. Congratulations on the hygienist thing. Sorry about the groping thing. Welcome back.


I own my own business and I have been in the same place for 34 years. My son now wants to expand the business. He went to college and he has all kinds of big ideas. I like it the way it is. But if I put up a stink about expansion, he’ll just do what he wants anyway. Maybe I should just retire and be done with it. Maybe I should sell it out from under him and let him make his own way in the world, just like I did. That’d teach him a lesson. How can I make this work for me?

You want to keep things just the way they are? Get rid of your son. Get him out of your business. He will not be happy working to keep things just as they are. You in turn will not be happy with him. Sure, you will lose a son, but you will have gotten what you wanted: to keep things just the way they are. However, if your goal is to find an amicable solution with your son and his ambitions, then I’m sure you could. If you change goals, all your words and actions will reflect your new goal (a compromise, a win-win situation, a true betterment of the family business) and not support your old goal (keeping everything just the way it is). See how that works?


I had "I Luv S-E-X" tattooed on my bum. 'Cause it's true. My husband about had a heart attack when he saw it. Turns out it turns him on. Now our sex life is better than ever. And that's why I did it - to get more of it outta him. And now I am. Creative way of doin' it, huh?

It is. You are a master. Go on, enjoy your sex.


My wife wants breast implants. We’re not trailer trash or Las Vegas low lifes either. Actually we both hold doctorate degrees. So this is kind of weird for us. Do educated people get breast implants?

Breast implants are as much about the psychological as they are the physical. Your SAT scores are not really relevant. So...what is relevant (for you guys)?


Do you respond to lashing criticisms?

Funny you should ask that. I did receive a piece of very foul, insane e-mail today. But it was just a flame. There was nothing to respond to, nothing to defend or explain. It was just someone fulfilling a need to say and send what they did. So no, that gets no response. But saaaay, interesting that you should ask this the same day I got it…You didn’t happen to write any invective filled screeds today, did you?


I am Marbo the Clown. I do children’s parties and small circuses. You have any need for some hilarity at your company functions? I hire out cheap. My goal is to make the whole world laugh at me. Thank you.

Small circuses? No, thank you Marbo, we do not need any more clowns at this facility. But Marbo, I’m more concerned about your goal of wanting to be laughed at by everybody, and your willingness to work cheaply. Don't the two of those together, I dunno, flush the self-esteem right out of you? Marbo, when you take off the clown suit, how is your life?


My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman except for the fact that she is possessed of a lot of gas. Internal gas, she continually leaks it out wherever she is. She’s matronly and regal and gaseous. No one can bring themselves to tell her of its obnoxiousness. We are pretty much in agreement on sending her an anonymous note about it. Thought I’d solicit from you first however. Is it a good idea, this note?

Trust me, she is well aware of what she is doing. It is her body. Whether she can stop it, or control it, or restrict its offensiveness in public, is pretty much up to her (and perhaps her doctor). I’m sure it will be difficult to do, but someone must speak with her about this. A note is not direct enough. Because if she ignores the note, what, do you send her a second, and then a final notice? It’s a dead end. Eventually you will have to talk with her about it. Be sympathetic but firm. And remember, if she can’t, or doesn’t want to curb her enthusiasm for this practice, there isn’t much you can do about it. Again, it’s her body, her mindset.


That’s the last straw! When you start dealing with flatulence questions, you know you’re near the end (no pun intended). I’m outta here. You should be too.

Sorry you’re leaving, but thank you for your input about this problem of output. Next.


Richard Gere is sexy precisely because of his spiritualness. I’d like to screw his mind, so to speak.

Yesss, we’re having some fun today.


I hate driving in winter but we went out of town on a long trip to get cordless headphones for our car’s DVD player but they didn’t work. Now we have to go all the way back out of town again to return them. Can I write this off on my taxes?

No. But you sound like a pretty good candidate for online shopping or catalogue shopping by telephone. You heard of this? Where a courier brings items to you, and if you need to return them, they take them back to whomever sent them? You don’t have to drive anywhere. They do. Just a thought.
 

If you can control and create your life through your thoughts and their corresponding actions, like you say, then what would prevent someone from doing something heinous to you? If it was their intention to harm you, then you would be harmed, right? If so, where’s the control in that?

Thoughts are electromagnetic. They attract each other. You cannot become a victim of someone else’s plans unless you yourself are psychically complicit. In other words, nothing happens “to” you. Some needs, desires, or beliefs on your part must exist to allow you to become a part of an event, even if it be judged heinous. If you’re there, own up to it. If you do that, the event then has all kinds of meaning.


It has been suggested that this page has gone too long. That’s not a question, I know. But I have the answer just the same:
Q&A 7

 

 

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