I wanted to be the first question on the new Q&A page! Am I? Did I do it in time?! I’m so excited! You are, dear. Now calm down, you’re spilling everywhere. Ok then, now think, what was your question? Oh yeah, I wanted to know if I have sex upside down like my husband wants to try, you know with all the blood rushing to my head, is that all right? What’s the worst that could happen? An orgasm? Your passing out? Your husband liking it so much he wants to do it that way all the time? I dunno. What do you think? On your tape I think you sound like Perry Como. Really? Jeez. Great, I’m pregnant again, for the 9th time in 12 years. I’m sick of this. You have any idea what this is like? The Pope, God bless him, should rot in hell for ruining my life. The Pope is a little, shriveled up guy in Europe. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he is the guy you’ve been making babies with. That’s you and somebody else. You want to stop having babies? Then you and somebody else need to stop making them. Figure out how to do this, or keep on doing what you’ve been doing. As always, the choice, the desire, the intentions to change your life, are all yours. Make your dreams comes true.  I can hardly see anymore so I have my nurse read me your column. I'm 89 years old. In case you didn't know it, your appeal is universal. Sweet. Thanks. Before you said something about self-reliance. What was that? Self-reliance, as a skill, I was saying. Self-reliance is you taking responsibility for you, for your actions, for the events of your life. Self-reliance is counting on yourself. That, I was saying, is a useful skill. We went shopping and I lost my head and bought a hugely expensive dress and wore it once before I ruined it with spilled red wine in the cellar of this spooky castle in England. I’m sick about it. Why does stuff like this happen? I loved that dress. These are the events of your life, my dear. Examine them. Specifically, your part in them. Remember, you didn’t get the dress ripped off your body fleeing a pack of wild wolves (which would mean one thing), and you didn’t ruin the dress by instantly gaining 200 pounds in an allergic reaction to killer bees (which would mean another thing), no, you did it in the precise way it happened (which like the other two, means something specific). So look at where you were, who you were with, explore the conversation, the lament, the loss, the expense, the antiquity, the wine itself. This is your life, yes? I urge you to take a closer look. Because when you do you’ll find your question, Why does stuff like this happen?, answered. I love my husband, but I lust for the mail carrier. Gawd, what a hunk! I wait every day by my window just to see him walk up to the door. Big bulge! Tight buns! I’m contemplating asking him in for a quickie. This is very exciting but nerve wracking too. Wish me luck! Nah, can’t do that, but nice enthusiasm. Is it safe to play on a yellow card or should a substitute be put in? Yessssssss, that is the question. I love playing the lottery. I find it fun to spend a measly buck and be able to dream for a couple of days about the money. I’ve won some too! Not the big one yet, but I’ve gotten some good cash and I believe every ticket’s going to win me something. I got FOUND MONEY and read what it says to do, but I figure I’m pretty much doing that already. That how you see it? I do. You have a wonderful attitude about it and I see no reason why you won’t continue to win more money by doing what you’re doing. Good on you, mate. In your book you say you won $250 in the lottery. Is that all you ever won? Why don't you ever talk about other wins? Do you still play? It has been talked about before in the Q&As. How much money I have won has absolutely no bearing on how much you can/will win. So me talking about my wins is spurious; you're you, I'm me. The most important part of FOUND MONEY is the PROCESS - and how that relates to you. Yes, every now and then, I will still purchase a lottery ticket. Lately, whenever I try and kiss my girlfriend, she turns her head away. I was wondering, could I have bad breath? Sure, could be that, could be something else entirely. Have you asked her what’s up? Here’s my sex question. My husband is wild for us to have a threesome. I’m intrigued, but I want to know how you pick the right person? Should it be a friend or a stranger? His birthday is coming up and I want to surprise him. But who do I ask to join us? And do I go male or female? Who would you feel most comfortable with? What gender would your husband prefer? Are you looking for a one shot thing or an ongoing arrangement? Is this the prelude to further experimentation? etc. Sorry, I can only put questions back to you, you’re pretty much on your own for the answers. I have no doubt you’ll find what you are looking for - if you know what you are looking for. Define it and it will happen. Are numbers more sacred than writing? Personally, I think they go hand in hand and are of equal weight. But then, what do I know? I have been wondering if great thoughts can come to you while meditating? Is that how inventors come up with their ideas? Actually, when you meditate, you want to have no thoughts at all. You want to be in a different state altogether. If you are inventing something, then you are not meditating, you are inventing, and those are two different things. However, it can be said that the process of inventing is a meditation, and I would also agree with that, as contradictory as it is to what I just said before. So, um, what was your question? To procreate is to populate. Any other reason is blasphemy! Says you. What about fun, enjoyment, pleasure, ORGASM? What about intimacy and sensuality? Sex is truly one of the body’s greatest enjoyments. It feels good. By definition, your body is physical. Left alone or immersed in the moment, it is quite capable of performing and totally enjoying sex. Instead, you have chosen to link a physical act (sex), with a mental construct (is bad for you unless ______ - fill in the blank with all your restrictions), making it utilitarian and purposeful. That’s fine (for you), I suppose, but I’m just saying it’s a shame you don’t have a wider concept of one of life’s truly greatest assets - sexual enjoyment. It feels good. That's all the reason one needs, really. Isn't it? I have been examining my life like you have said to do, and I have been surprised at what I’ve found. I had a lot of hidden prejudices that I exposed for myself. I found out why I believed that way (all of these prejudices were rooted in past behaviors of mine). But I found that I don’t need to carry that stuff around anymore because I'm not who I was back then. I have seen that my "faults" were my own, and not the problems of others. Now I am way more open minded and tolerant. That is major. I feel in control of how my life is going. It’s a great feeling. Thanks. No, thank you. Nice to discover that developmental work on the self can be so gratifying, eh? Bravo on your work. You are a better man for it. We all benefit by that. Bravo. Can you really own a BMX bike and not want to do extreme stuff with it? Should my wife and I expect our son to be crazy on it, like he is? The bike is a tool. The operator of the tool, is your son. Substitute "table saw" for "BMX bike" in your question, and it becomes apparent that it’s the operator, not the tool, that is at issue here. I am a plus size woman and not so very proud of it. I know there are people that lose over a hundred pounds, but I can’t seem to take off 20. Of course, I have tried every diet and fad out there. So how do you really lose weight and keep it off? If you could step outside your body and look at it as if it was something that you had complete control over, you might approach it differently. In other words, imagine you are the trainer for a prize fighter. It’s your job to tell him what to eat, when to exercise and work out, and how to set both small and large goals that your fighter can meet along the way to his ultimate goal, the championship (or in your case, your target weight). As a trainer, would you feed your fighter doughnuts and excess food? Would you tell him not to worry about exercise or training? And if you did that, would you really expect him to win the championship? Well my dear, you are both your own fighter and trainer. So define your big goal, define smaller motivating goals along the way, pay attention to what you eat (you’re in training!), and exercise due diligence with the fighter within. Train yourself to accomplish what it is you desire. Is it hard work? Sure. Is it worth it? I guarantee that when you reach your goal, it will all be worth it. As Pogo once said famously, "I have met the enemy, and he is us." Is Brad Pitt really all that he's cracked up to be? I don't know. I'll tell you what, Brad and Angelina are coming over for cards tonight. I'll ask him. How do you survive grief? One day at a time. You live through it. It becomes a pervasive part of your life and remains with you until you find that it is no longer there. You can work through it, expand your consciousness because of it, or ignore it, but regardless of how you manage grief, you will live your life in some specific way because of it. Grief is a process. It is also an event, an opportunity, a black hole and more. It is, as with everything that comprises your life, individual. I’m learning to play golf because my husband spends half his life on the course and I want to spend more time with him. The trouble is, he’s good and I’m not, so I bring him down when we play together and now he is starting to avoid me. I’m frustrated, how long does it take to learn this game? Forever, if then. But the game isn’t the issue here, sweetie. Your goal is to spend more time with your husband. There are other ways to do that. Here’s a tip: Make him want to spend more time with you. How? Oh, I dunno, lust? sex? Make him forget about golf, eh? Our teacher said if we don’t stop smoking in the restroom, she’s going to put a webcam in there to watch us! Is that legal? Is what legal? Smoking underage? Smoking in a non-smoking building? Being watched while you smoke illegally? Having someone witness the beginning stages of your contracting cancer? Forget your teacher, man, smoking is the issue here. Personally, I gotta say, smoking stinks. Literally. Save yourself, save yourself now. My wife wants to take up skydiving. I think it is dangerous and have forbidden her to do it. She says she is going to anyway. I said what if she dies and abandons me and the kids just for her frivolous hobby? Weighted that one pretty heavily, didn’t you? Abandons you and the kids? What about the flip side? What about her enjoying her life and taking on new challenges? What about personal growth, stretching her boundaries - what about fun?! Seems to me this is about her, not you (or the kids, or the house, or her country or anything else you want to throw into the equation to make her feel bad about doing it). Why not be happy for her that she has found something she wants to try? Jeez man, guilt is such a passive aggressive thing to wield against someone for doing something you don’t approve of. Support her, don’t take your speculative fears and throw them upon her like a wet blanket. I read your book Write About Dogs a week ago and I can’t stop thinking about it. First of all, as a novel it is so masterfully crafted that I’m literally agog; and second of all, what you say about science and dogs and the inner self is just as provocative and mind blowing as the way you wrote it. And the damn thing is funny as hell! I have never had a book effect me in this way. I want to know if you’re ever going to bring it out in paperback? I want to give it to a bunch of people but I can’t afford the hard cover price. You are without a doubt a major literary talent (I’m a literature professor at a Big Ten university), and I never would have heard of you if not for your website. Which is also very good! Yes, well, thank you for your words. We have thought seriously about bringing out Write About Dogs in a quality paperback edition, but have yet to do so for financial reasons. Therefore, we would license the paperback rights to a reprint house if a deal came up. So, the door is open. Call in your bids please. Thank you. I make bread and I love my job! The smells at work are fantastic! What I hate are the hours. My job starts at 3 in the morning. Because of my crazy schedule, my girlfriend and I only have sex about once a month. I’m always tired. I bought her a vibrator and she likes that, but she wants more. What can I do? I don’t want to quit my job. Well lessee, work is 8 hours out of a 24 hour day. Sleep is another 8 hours. That leaves you 8 hours on your own to figure out when to have sex. I’m sure you can manage that, eh?

I am afraid to fly. It is worse since the terrorists attacks. Will I ever be able to overcome this? I don’t know. Is it a priority to do so (overcome this)? Because if you really want to overcome your fear of flying, you will. Fear of flying is psychological. We are all capable of changing our personal psychology (what we believe in; what we are afraid of; etc.). If you feel you’re unable to achieve this on your own, might I suggest the help of a psychologist? Psychologists have tools to mitigate fear. Listen, there is nothing stopping you from getting rid of this undesirable trait - but you. Only you can do this (continue your fear of flying) and only you can stop it. Capish? Best wishes. This is pretty crazy so bear with me. I cashed out some stock and bought a charter boat in the Caribbean. Me! I’ve been on the Staten Island Ferry, what, twice in my life? I don’t know anything about boats or a charter business or anything. But I’m on vacation down there, the boat looks gorgeous, the crew seems to know what they’re doing, it’s for sale, I do it. But you know what? Now that I’m back home, I think they’re pirates! I think they go out and rob other boats! Ever since I left I’ve been hearing a lot about the pirate activity right in the same areas where my charter boat has been. And they’re the only boat never robbed! Could I have gotten myself mixed up in something as crazy as pirating on the high seas?! And why would I do that?! Sure, you could be mixed up in a wild caper. ‘Course, it could also be your imagination, too. You have these questions which seem pretty important to you, so I can only assume you will do whatever it takes to obtain their answers. And you’re in that process now. It’s led you to me. Unfortunately, I haven’t a clue what it will take to resolve this particular event, or why you’re in it, or how you get out of it, etc. You are the only one who knows those answers. But you’re right about one thing, it’s a corker. Best wishes. These colour choice issues are driving me mad. The wife and I are painting the interior of our flat and we’re having endless fights about the wall colours. Have you any ideas about our resolving this? Thank you. One of the great things about color is it affords a good shot at compromise, precisely because so many shades are available. Have you tried one of those 3-D mini-CAD computer programs where you can change the color of the walls with a click of the mouse? Shows you what looks good and what looks awful. Many paint stores now have these computer programs. If you guys still can’t mediate yourselves, then get an arbitrator in; be it a professional designer, the paint store guy, an interior decorator, your cousin with the strong color sense, whatever. Just make sure the end result is something you can both live with. Jan says he hates me. He says it all the time. But I know he loves me. That’s how it always is in the movies. The girl and boy fight and then they fall madly in love. He’ll come around. You wait and see. Oooookay, I’ll be right here. Waiting and seeing. I think Peter Gabriel is a weirdo. What do you think? What do I think about Peter Gabriel? Can’t say, don’t know him personally. Love his music though. When are you going to bring out your next book? When it’s ready. When that will be, I can’t say. But there’s one in the works? Oh, there is always something in the works. What’s this new one going to be about? Again, I can’t say. I don’t really know, actually. My work always starts with a vague idea and goes on from there. Since I don’t know where it’s going, I never know when it’s going to be done. This process can and often does take years and years. Eventually, something gets finished and then I will publish it. That’s really all I can say. I want to marry Yves! He’s gorgeous. You said he handles all the French traffic for your publishing company, but does he speak English? Is he married? Ask him if he would be interested in an Australian babe. I enclose my pic. Thanks. Yes, our Yves is gorgeous and he does speak fluent English. But he has said that his private life is his own. Respecting his wishes, I'm not at liberty to say any more about him. I’m sure you understand, being a babe yourself (nice picture). She’s not the only one who wants him! Forget Aussie girl, here’s my pic! Show that to Yves and watch him drool. You tell him he can have me anytime he wants. Tell him I’ll do anything. Tell him that! Ok, ladies, enough. Please, stop sending in your (increasingly suggestive and sexually provocative) photographs for Yves. Though it has provided the rest of us here with hours of enjoyment, Yves isn’t interested. Who the hell is Yves? He is an employee who was profiled back in an earlier KeithSpeak. He is very handsome and very private. He told me to thank all the beautiful women who have offered themselves up, he’s very flattered, but no. Can you become smarter? Can you really be smarter than you are now? You can develop. You can become bigger than you were. You can become broader and more open and more defined than you were. All those are very smart things to do. If you’re not currently doing that, and then you do that, then yes, you’ve become smarter. Is that what you mean? Are you so wealthy that the King of Saudi Arabia has nothing on you? Haw! I live in Manhattan. I need a car. Should I buy an SUV? Nah, buy one of those hybrid electric/gasoline models. I think Toyota sells one. Very economical to run, very very quiet, very fast (yes, they’re fast!), and very environmentally friendly. Everywhere you look you see war and nuclear threats and terrorism. What has happened to the world? People in power perpetuate policies that they see as indigenous, cultural, religious and financial manifest destiny. None of them see the world as a cohesive, balanced, unified globe of people all living a life not too dissimilar from one another. In "protecting" their power and increasing their influence they become more and more isolated. They do stupid things because they are out of touch with humanity. My husband wants to name our new son Pecos Bill. I am mortified at this suggestion for such a horrible ghastly name. He says he has his reasons. I want Chester. How can we compromise on this? Pecos Bill? Chester? Why don’t you just hang a sign off the baby’s back saying Kick Me? Be that as it may, if you two adults cannot come up with a suitable and agreeable child’s name, then maybe you shouldn’t be having one? Ok, that’s harsh, but get real - you can call the child anything you want - any name, any nickname, anything. Agree on one. Sheesh. What do you do with a lot of money once you have it? Do you count it? Do you hoard it? Do you just spend, spend, spend all the time? I need to know what it’s like. Then create wealth for yourself. You’ll never know what it’s like by asking someone else what it’s like. If you have a need for this experience, then create the experience. Live it, find out what it’s like for yourself. A book like FOUND MONEY can tell you how. It’s your life, make it whatever you want it to be. How can you tell if you’re an alcoholic? By examining your behavior, your alcohol consumption, your desire for it, your dependency level upon it, your need to live your life with it, etc. You can tell if you’re an alcoholic by examining yourself. Whenever I examine my life, I just fall into judging myself. How do I not beat myself up when I look back at my past actions? Examining your life is about personal development, not personal judgment. What you did, you did for reasons (beliefs, ideas, intuitions, etc.) that at that particular time, dictated your course of action. Instead of saying, I screwed up, or I was wrong, look at what really transpired, understand why you acted that way (at that time), and then own that. Because that is what you did (then). Don’t deny it, don’t judge it, and don’t lay blame for your actions on someone or something else. Just understand why you did what you did. Then either continue the behaviors, belief, ideas that brought about that result, or ameliorate them. But you can’t change it until you understand why you acted in such a way. Do you have any job openings at your company? I’ve decided that I would like to work for an enlightened individual rather than the mindless drones who currently boss me. I’m willing to move to Canada. Enlightened, you say. I like the sound of that. Alas, we have no positions available at the present. As a matter of fact, our company turnover rate is almost zero, if you don’t count Monte Zalaski’s departure, the card shark who fleeced half the shipping department before heading out to parts unknown with Claire Moravia, our inventory control specialist, and a woman with an obvious weakness for nefarious characters. But thanks for asking. My life is a disaster. I’ve been married 5 times, I still pay alimony to 3 of them, and I’m currently seeing a girl 20 years younger than me. That sounds good. But she’ll probably be number 6. That sounds bad. But it’s not just my wives. I’m in trouble constantly with money, my job, my family, my whole life really. Can your lottery book help me out? Can it save me? Woo doggy, 5 wives, constant trouble, can my book save you? Possibly. But not the how to win a bunch of money part, I’m talking about the how to take control of your life by accepting responsibility for who you are, who you’ve become, what you do, how you do it, and what you decide to do in the future about it part. That can help you help yourself. All my Zen friends tell me I have to give up my money and my stereos to find nirvana. I’m just not willing to do that. Screw God if I can’t listen to my music, you know? So what’s up with that? You don’t have to give up anything to get everything. Material objects have nothing to do with enlightenment. All that’s required is you. Just you. And though you may think of yourself as material (physical), the part that has to do with enlightenment (your mind), isn’t. In other words, no coat required. I have come and I have gone and I am coming back again. Wish me well for my return. Done. Consider yourself well wished. I got a scholarship to Oxford! Two years ago I wouldn’t have believed that was possible. But with your advice, I now believe I can do anything. Taking responsibility for my life has been so empowering. It’s intoxicating! You did it, honey. I only shouted encouragement from the bleachers. Good on you. Congratulations on Oxford too. I went and did it again. I got a girl pregnant. 2nd time I done this. I’m going to be using rubbers from here on out, but that don’t help me now. And I ain’t marrying her neither, ‘specially her. How much do I have to pay to raise the kid? First one cost me $100 a month. Is that how much this one is too? Another $100? It sounds like you need someone more qualified than my unqualified self to answer your question. Fortunately, this is exactly the sort of thing lawyers do so well. You might want to try a lawyer. They’re in the Yellow Pages. Under lawyer.

If I got 2 plus 2 down, how come I can’t add up all the other numbers as well? Math is my weakest suit. How do you get stronger in math? I think math is an aptitude thingy; you either have the knack or you don’t. I say this because, of course, I don’t. So without a knack I don’t have a clue how you can improve your math skills. Long answer just to say, I dunno, huh? What the bloody hell is going on! Everything and nothing, all at once, for as long as you breathe. That's exactly what I mean! I know, I know. You know what I like about Canada? You never hear anything about them. There's no stupid infatuation with movie stars, drug rehab, war, or business interests. You guys just keep on being one of the nicest places in the world to live and visit. But you're quiet. I like that best. Shhhhh. Me too. I’m what you call a loose cannon. I shoot my mouth off all the time. Now I’ve met this girl, and she could be the one, but she’s made it clear I have to stop saying what’s on my mind to everyone. How do I do that? How do you stop being yourself? By becoming someone else you want to be. Someone that you define, and then take incremental steps toward becoming. You see, we all do what we do for good reasons (even if those reasons are not apparent to us). Somewhere in you a need is being filled by being who you currently are (a loose cannon). Find out why you need to do that, and then constructively, intentionally, become the newly defined you you want to become. It’s personal development, and you can do it consciously. I am a man in a woman’s world. I’m a male nurse. I even hate having to say "male" first. To way too many people that means I’m a nancy boy or a poof. I’m tired of everyone’s jokes. You’re the media - I want you to call attention to the plight of (male) nurses. You should be respected by your peers, your family, your friends, and most of all, yourself. When you respect yourself, you are comfortable in your professional skin, and others will perceive that in you, and change their behavior or ideas about you specifically, and male nurses in general. What are some of your favorite things? My home, my family, good food, self-confidence, and a few million other things. Why, what are yours? Sex, more sex, and the occasional rare bottle of wine. It’s a good life. Yes, it is, isn’t it. I got me some dynamite and I’m gonna blow something up. I found two sticks down in the crawl space of my step Dad’s house. My question is whether it’s legal to set these off within the city limits. I live in Phoenix. Wow, I can’t even begin to tell you how awful an idea it is to attempt what you’re asking. Good lord, man - dynamite! - are you just trying to find a fool proof way to be destructive, dangerous and completely ignorant? Give the EXPLOSIVES to your step Dad, or call the police, or your LOCAL BOMB SQUAD. You’re talking about a bomb, son, you know that don’t you? And frankly, right now, America is just not in the mood to have parts of Phoenix blown up. Trust me on this one. I’m having my leaves raked today! As my birthday present, my wife asked me what chore I like doing the least and she’ll hire someone to do it for me. Great present, huh? So I’m having my leaves raked. Am I lucky or what? Frankly, I don’t think luck has a thing to do with your wife’s creative and obviously well received birthday present. Do you? Really? Happy birthday. I went out on a date with an older man. Actually, he’s my roommate’s father. At the end of the date he wanted to come in, but I said no because his daughter was in the next room. But he was persistent and we ended up doing it on the couch. Now I’m confused, should I tell my roommate I balled her father? What do you think? If I tell her, she’s likely to move out and I can’t afford the rent by myself. If I don’t tell her, then she won’t know because it’s not going to happen again - he’s a lousy lover and old enough to be my father. So I guess I won’t say anything. What if her father says something to her? If he tells his daughter that he screwed her roommate, who is young enough to be his own daughter, then he is not only a lousy lover, he’s an idiot too. Ok, that’s it, I’m not saying anything. It’s over as far as I’m concerned. There you go. You’ve answered your own question. Good for you. I’m going to allow myself some room to expand. Opening up one’s consciousness is always a good idea. No, I mean for Thanksgiving and all the food I’m going to eat. I’m buying some larger clothes, preparing for it. You’re preparing to get fatter. That’s a novel approach. I wish you all the best with your intended plans. What weight oil should I use in my car? Personally, I use 10W40 in ours. But most vehicles use 10W30. Or 5W30 up north. We went to Paris and it was wonderful. But I have to believe the French people are the rudest I have ever encountered. Their reputation is justly deserved and easily won. Can you make an excuse for the French and their horrid behavior? Alas, I cannot make excuses for anybody. You, me or the French. We built a second story addition onto our home and the construction took 15 months. We also went 100% over budget. The stress between me and my wife has put us close to divorce. Now the contractor has put a lien against the house for non-payment of his outrageous change order bills. Where did this all go wrong? That’s hardly useful now, is it? I mean, shouldn’t you be concerned with where you go from here? What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you? Deep and unbounded love. I just sent you my manuscript, but before you get it, I wanted to explain what it’s about first- Stop. Stop right there. Everyone who has been doing this (sending stuff in), please listen: We accept no manuscript submissions, no book proposals, no nothing - from anyone. Keith Ryan Publishing is an eponymous concern. That means we publish the work of a single author, yours truly. The web site, the publishing company, they exist solely for me. Piggy? Maybe. Still, we have no current or future intent to alter that mandate. Thank you for thinking we may be the right publishing company for you and your work, but we aren’t. How many times have you spoken with God? Say what? Didn’t God tell you to be on the path you’re on? Uh no, I did. Actually, god was really busy that day. I didn’t want to, you know, pester her with my life plan. So you mean Satan told you to do what you do! You’re going to burn in hell! Sheesh. Lighten up. Ok ok, so me and Beelzebub had one lousy lunch together (I ran into him at Denny’s). Funny thing is, all we talked about was you! That’s right. It seems you’re next on his list. Ooh, he has some devious plans for your capitulation. To be honest, we hardly talked about my life plan at all. Oh well, bye. I’m sponsoring a kids soccer team. I suspect that the coach, an out of work plumber, may be taking too much of an interest in the children. How can I confront him without tipping my hand that I think he may be a pedophile? Talk to him of your suspicions? Talk to the police of your suspicions? Talk to a private investigator of your suspicions? In other words, it sounds like a dialogue about this sensitive issue needs to be conducted. Who you discuss this with will determine how satisfied you are with the answers you receive.

I’m asking you to pray for me. My daughter has turned queer right before my eyes. She says she’s a lesbian, but I’m sure she’s mistaken. How do I get her to like boys again? In the meantime, pray! Sure. I pray that your daughter finds love. Don’t you? It’s not okay to always be broke and in debt. I’m sick of this. I can’t even afford your book, so give me the short course on how to get rich quick. Thanks. Ok. Is anyone stopping you from making money? Has anyone said, Hey man, you can’t do that. No? Well how about yourself? I’m a very spiritual person, yet I can’t seem to calm down my life, stop the racing in my head, or relax. I’m pretty much a nervous wreck. I thought spirituality was supposed to give you peace? Where is it already?! Spirituality doesn’t "give" you anything. It is a way of life. A way of living your life. Currently, you are living it another way (crazy, running around, semi-frantic). If you want to calm down, then change all the things that precipitate that which you don’t want. Balance your life. And don’t think something else is going to do it for you. You can only do it for yourself. Do you see what I mean? At the movies last night my date threw up. It was totally disgusting. Later she said that the popcorn must have been tainted. Whatever. I am totally turned off by her now, but she is demanding a make up date. How do I get out of this one? Tell her that on her behalf you have engaged the services of a lawyer to press further the "tainted popcorn" defense, and that until the trial of the theater owner, the popcorn maker, the popcorn machine manufacturer, and the farmer who grew the corn are over, your lawyer has suggested that you two not meet. Or you could just tell her that you’re not interested in a rematch. Either way works. Have you purposely shunned literary success? It sounds to me, from your website, that you are content to live outside the glare of the publishing industry. Is that fair to say? And why have you done that? The publishing industry is predicated on marketing and promotion, aka, selling books. I am interested in having a say, doing what I want, and living my nice, quiet life here. They're pretty much mutually exclusive. But shouldn’t you strive for more? More than love, home, family, peace, awesome quality of life, ongoing personal development and world class scenery? I dunno, that kind of sounds greedy, eh? I’m a mad collector. I have antique straw baskets, superhero lunch boxes, and over three thousand coloured rocks. I have children’s tea sets from all over the world, newspapers dating back eighty years, and World’s Fair spoons from every continent. Our basement is full of crap you wouldn’t believe. My husband says it’s frightening and that I’m mental. Do you suppose he could be right? Find out for yourself. Have you ever asked yourself why you do it? Have you ever examined your motives and mania for collecting? There are reasons why we all do what we do. Find yours. Then decide if collecting is something you can live with or without. Then continue doing it or don’t. To be blunt, I’m hung like a horse. I think pornography is my calling, but my wife is having a hard time with this decision. If this is indeed my gift, wouldn’t I be foolish to waste it? Your gift? Isn’t that like saying being 6’6 automatically makes you a basketball player? Ironically, (considering it’s pornography), you’re talking about a family decision. You and your wife get to decide what you and your wife are going to do. I read where one of the Rockefellers collects beetles. Vermin bugs! Why in the hell would a billionaire stoop to messing with disgusting beetles?! What a waste of money! Like the money has anything to do with the beetle collecting. Dontcha know some poor guy somewhere is collecting beetles too? You ragging on him? A man’s interests are his own, regardless of his bank account. Besides, I’ve no doubt Rockefeller would find some of the stuff you’re into distasteful as well. That’s why you’re you and he’s him. Get it? Whether I do or whether I don’t, it’s entirely my own business, right? Right. I love e-mail! I’m 81 years old and have had a computer for almost two months. Recently my nephew asked me if I’ve googled. What is that? Google is the most popular search engine on the Internet. If you use it, I suppose you’re a Googler, or you have Googled, or something cutesy pie as that.

Have you started your Christmas shopping yet? I have. Me too. I have gotten many gifts, with many more to go. I know - let’s wish each other good shopping, eh? Ahem, may the gods of commerce smile upon us all. I found $3,000! It was in a crumpled up Wendy’s bag in an alley. There’s no way you can’t tell me that wasn’t luck. I sure didn’t plan to find that money. What do you have to say about that? Good god man, what the hell were you doing rooting through a used Wendy’s bag in an alley? Maybe you were hungry...wishing you had some money to get something to eat... Your whole point of view is completely biased toward North America. There are 165 other countries in the world. Why don’t you talk about other cultures? There are many other ways of life as I see it. Why don’t you see it? Culture is an acquired thing. It’s circumstantial. For some, it comes by birth and/or geographic location, for others it is an assimilation, but either way, it’s pretty much experiential; you have to live it to know it. However, who you are, your personality, your decision making, your understanding of what life (your life) is, transcends culture and nation states. In that, we are all the same: universal man, individually and collectively. And that is to whom I am speaking. I’m expecting twins, and it’s made me wonder why two children would want to live their lives looking alike? Why not come into life here as an individual, as most of us do? They may look, act and seemingly be alike, but they are also complete individuals. As for why they would choose a life as a twin, I can’t say. Perhaps when they are old enough to understand, you might ask them and they might explain it to you. Best wishes with your impending birthing. I got caught for speeding. What happens if you don’t go to court and pay the fine? They issue a warrant for your arrest. That means nothing until you get stopped for your next ticket, whereupon the police computer will inform them of your fugitive status and you will be arrested, there, on the spot, at what will most likely be (because it always is) a most inconvenient time to have this happen to you. From there you will get to see the jail bars from the inside, meet a few new friends in your small, testosterone laden cell, start a running tab with your attorney as he/she tries to get you out. As well, your vehicle was impounded when you were carted off to the pokey, and your poor wife/girlfriend had to go down to the scary impound yard where junkyard dogs prowl, and pay a hefty tow fee to a leering, overweight greaseball to get it back, incurring her enmity, fear and loathing for weeks to come. From there it just gets worse. My advice? Go to court. Pay the fine. My wife is still friendly with her ex and it bothers me. I’m jealous of their former love and I’m suspicious of their current friendship. Maybe that’s small of me, but it’s the truth. Can I forbid her friendship with him? What do I do if she says she won’t break it off? This is dicey, because on one hand, she should be allowed to befriend anyone she wants, be it an ex boyfriend or an ex anything; on the other hand, your problem with her friendship is something she ought to be able to give up if it makes you feel horrible. Of course, you could stop feeling insecure about it (she is with you, not him), and she could go out of her way to reassure you it isn’t anything but an old friendship with someone with whom she has a history. But truthfully, this is your issue, not hers. You need to work on why this is the way it is for you. Jealousy, insecurity, these are mental conditions. You’re doing this to yourself. And you can stop. Can you fly a plane? Nope. Can you? Yup. We’re different, my friend, you and I. Is there honour in refusing the advances of a married man? Honor, pride, ego, these things sort of imply that there is a nobility in acting a certain way. Me, I ain’t so sure about that. Still, you could refuse or accept this man’s advances using any reason(s) you desire. I’m back. Did you miss me? Did I? or, Did I! I really enjoy your web site. I find it soothing - and I’m a massage therapist! Do you get massaged often? I don’t. See, if you deal constructively with stress, then you don’t get your body all twisted and knotted and the effects of a massage, though always nice, are not really needed. Me, I wanna feel loose and comfortable all the time, not just after a massage. So I make an earnest attempt to deal with stress whenever I perceive it happening. Stress, my friends, is a body pretzeler. What do you think about Trent Lott? Actually, I don’t think about Lott at all. Why should I care that some bigot from Mississippi has voiced his support for another bigot from somewhere else? Where in the hell are your prayer beads? I looked all over your site and I don’t see where you sell the beads. Anyway, I want one set, extra large (I have big hands). Ack, dontcha know it, prayer beads, all sold out. How about a sarong? Whoops, I forgot - we’re a publishing company! Sorry. No beads. No sarongs. You can’t fool me. I know you are biding your time until you burst on the national scene and cause a sensation. Am I right? You read me like a book. What did you get for Christmas? Everything I needed, nothing I didn’t. Hope yours was as rewarding. There is this Spanish movie star that makes me melt. I don’t even know his name. I never thought I could go for the Latin type, but this guy is sooooo hot. Of course he probably has a million girls hanging all over him. Do you think someone like that might be interested in a conservative school teacher from the Midwest? In real life? Probably not. In your head, in your fantasies? Absolutely. It’s the end of the year. How do we know that next year will automatically start? Don’t we all just assume that 2003 will begin? What if it doesn’t? Didn’t you write in and ask the same question last year? I can’t remember what I said then but the same goes now. My neighbor and I have been dating for two years and are thinking of moving in together. The only problem is I want her to move in here with me and she wants me to move in there with her. How do we decide which apartment to live together in? If one apartment is not better, cheaper, rent controlled, or in a nicer building, then it sounds like it’s a horse apiece. In that case, if you really want to do this, which apartment you guys reside in shouldn’t matter at all. Yes? So why don’t you be magnanimous and move in with her? Unless of course, there are more issues than just which apartment... I’m finally free! I have spent the last 17 years in prison. I want to know if you will sell me a copy of your book on how to win the lottery because I want to go straight. The world has changed so much since I went in! Thanks, man. Welcome back! As a present, I have sent you a gratis copy of FOUND MONEY. I hope your stay outside is long and prosperous.

Can you send me good tidings on my way to peace and enlightenment? I can indeed. May the trip be the journey- Don’t you mean may the trip be worth the price of the journey? No, no I don’t. From the moment you’re born, when you first suck wind, you are off on a trip, down a road. And both that trip and road stop when you inhale your very last breath. So all along, you are moving, whether you consciously know it or not. Even when you think you’re standing still, you’re moving, inexorably, down that road, on that trip. The trip is the journey of your life, and you’re not following anyone down that road, uh-uh, you are making it up as you move along. You are even creating the road itself, even though in your mind’s eye it stretches out before you. So enjoy the trip, because your travels are you, the definition of you, the totality of your experiences, the journey of a (your) lifetime. I offer you good tidings in your travels. I’m British and what you Yanks would call "haughty". But we’re haughty for good reason - we are superior. But I’m not here to debate the crudeness of North Americans, tempting though it is, I want to know where you think the centre of the civilized world is. Ending on a preposition? Tsk tsk. Yes, the centre of the civilized world, well, it lies between one’s ears, doesn’t it? One’s civility is up to one, now isn’t it? What are you going on about? Personal development, quality of life, animal abuse and the like. You know, just the regular, concerned citizen of this planet stuff. Why, what are you going on about? This is scary. I think I just won a lot of money using your techniques. I still don’t believe it. This is so scary. Why didn’t you ever say anything about being scared in your book? You’re not scared, you’re thrilled. You’re not fearful of what has just happened to you, you just haven’t let yourself believe it yet. But you will. And you know what? You’ll still be thrilled. You did it, dear. You did it all. Good on your for manifesting your dreams. I want to be a novelist. What is your best advice for someone like me? Do what you feel you need to do. If that is writing, then write. Become a novelist. Make sense? I want more writing advice than that. Come on, spill the beans. How the hell do you do it? And how do you make a living at it? And how do you tell your kids to shut up when you’re doing it? I need practical advice and I want it from you. What can I tell you that I haven’t already? You physically have to sit down and put the words that are in your head, down on paper. There is no other way. All the rest of it - the time to do it, the screaming kids, the avoidance behaviors, the art, the style, the grace with which you write - all of those things will be discovered AFTER you do it. Writing is writing. There’s no magic. Just do it. Can you make a scene in a restaurant, get thrown out because of it, and then go back there to have another meal like two weeks later? Uh, I don’t know, can you? My girlfriend has just gotten a diaphragm. Basically, I suspect she got it to sleep around. It has been tempting for me to poke a tiny hole in it to serve her right. Would this help her to stop screwing other guys? Whew, dude, get a grip. If you have problems with your girlfriend’s faithfulness, talk to her about it. Don’t do something stupid like causing her an inadvertent pregnancy. Can you see the difference? Outside the U.S. the rest of the world sees Bush as a petty demagogue chirping his little beak off about Iraq, when none of it has been proven by anyone, including the United Nations. Why in the hell are the American people following this twit? Frankly, his charm eludes me as well. I guess you’d have to ask an American why they are willing to go to war for Georgie boy. I sure as hell can’t fathom it. I have decided to buy a Porsche. It will be the centerpiece of my life. I will get all the girls and the chumps driving Dodges won’t get any. $62,000 bucks and it will be worth every penny when I score with all the hot babes! I’m stoked! Vroom vroom, wish me well. Nah, can’t do that, but I applaud your enthusiastic decisiveness, if not your intent. Vroom vroom yourself, dude. I think it’s so cool you can ask the author of a book what he meant by something just after you’ve read it! I love your site for being able to do this. Ok, my question is this: In Write About Dogs you say that for veterinarians to do veterinary research it’s a hypocrisy. But I have to ask, who else could do it? Thanks. Veterinarians are supposed to help animals, each and every one, not subject certain ones he "doesn’t care about" to inhumane tests and theory. So, for a veterinarian to practice vivisection, yes, it is a gigantic hypocrisy. Who should do it if not them? I scream loudly, NO ONE. For all the reasons elucidated in the book. Me and my cousin were playing mumblety-peg and I stabbed him in the finger. He says it didn’t hurt a bit although there was blood everywhere and he had to get 6 stitches to close it up. Now he wants to stab me back to prove it didn’t hurt. Should I let him? What do you think? Does that sound like a good plan to you? Are you keen on getting stabbed? Think about this, ok? Why don’t you take a stand on the stabbing? And the playing of mumblety-peg for goodness sake? Kids with knives are a very dangerous thing. I’m surprised you answered his question with your own questions and that you didn’t tell him that stabbing someone is a bad thing. One has to think for oneself, no? If he wants to voluntarily get stabbed, who am I to say no? I believe it’s up to him to say no. Don’t you? What is mumblety-peg? It’s a "game" played with knife and fingers. Let’s all move on, shall we? My mom is getting remarried and she wants to wear white. Isn’t that for virgins? If she has two kids, how can she wear white? A white dress is a symbol. Wearing white can stand for many things, including starting over. My advice is to rejoice in the wedding, and try not to get all caught up in the symbols. My wife is many months pregnant - and I find her abhorrent (sexually). What has happened to her body has grossed me out completely. I feel like I’m in a Hugh Grant comedy only it’s not funny. And she still wants to have sex! I’m not happy with this at all. Should I tell her? And could this affect the baby if she has an adverse reaction? What would Hugh do? If you’re asking whether you should pick up a hooker and do it in your car on the street late at night and then get caught by the cops and have it all go public, à la Hugh, then you don’t need my advice. If however, you’re asking how to be sexually turned on by your pregnant wife who completely grosses you out, then I can’t help you there either. If however, you are asking how to please your wife and have sex with her because she wants you to even though you're completely grossed out by her and you are just going through the motions, then may I suggest a blindfold and a hit of Viagra.

I got drafted and can’t decide whether to play Junior A hockey in the OHL, or take a U.S. college scholarship and play hockey in the States. Either way, my goal is still, of course, to make it to the NHL. What’s the best way to go? You have two good, diverse platforms to make it to the show. They both offer different things on completely different routes to the same end point. You might make a list of the pros and cons for each and weigh them carefully, but ultimately your gut will tell you which feels right for you. You have a wonderful, interesting opportunity for yourself here. You get to make a conscious choice about your future. So, accept equally either direction, listen to your intuition about both, do what feels right, and then commit to the one you choose. I left my boyfriend’s name and number and an exaggerated drawing of his male member as a joke on a restroom wall at the airport and he has now had like five skanks call him for dates. Can you believe that? So that means what, joke’s on you? We bought the best that money can buy - and it’s crap! Pay more - get the best! Bull! Pay more - get ripped off more! Now I got very expensive junk, that’s all! (A 5 exclamation point letter, very impressive outrage). Junk is junk, eh? Another of life’s lessons has been revealed. Do you ever just want to chuck it all and move somewhere else and start a new life? No. What precisely do you want to chuck? You know: the wife and five kids, the job I hate, the commute, this stinky city, my whole rotten life that has amounted to practically nothing. Chucking that. Oh. For sure, no. But you can change your life without going anywhere, you know. FOUND MONEY could help you with that. Are you a guru for the new millennium? Just the new millennium? Not all time? Well then, I dunno... What is your State of the Union? Things are going to hell in a handbasket. They don’t need to be, but they are. The sleazy side of politics and the profiteering side of business have conspired to take over the world and everybody’s letting them do it. Other than that, things are pretty good. You probably think you’re the funniest man on the Internet. Lessee, that would make me the Bobby Bitman of the Internet...all right! Who’s Bobby Bitman? SCTV. Eugene Levy is funny man Bobby Bitman. I love your site and I think you are genuine. I just want to know how you first gained the confidence you have. How do you get confident? Believe in yourself. Don’t tear yourself down or beat yourself up. Accept responsibility for all that you do, because you are ALWAYS involved. Don’t check out from a part of your life and blame others for some faults you find with yourself. Accept all that you do as you doing your best at that time and then keep doing that until there is no more time, and no more you. You’ll be very confident by then. I think that actress Sandy Duncan is the greatest. She has a glass eye you know! When I first learned that I tried singing and dancing around my apartment with one eye closed but I kept hitting the walls! I don’t know how she does it! Whatever happened to her? You know, I almost made this the Letter of the Month because it’s so wonderful, but then I didn’t. Sadly, I don’t know squat about Sandy. Sorry, dear. I love my husband, but I love my dog more than I love my husband. Is that ok by you? It’s ok by me. What is a better kind of tree, an apple or an oak? Now to my liking, they are both so beautiful that I couldn’t possibly pick one over the other. And I hope you don’t have to make that choice either. If you have to pick, say both. I’m a triplet. My two other brothers are jerks. Does that make me one too? Unless others can tell you apart from your brothers (like, if you’re a girl) then yes, you too will be perceived as a jerk. Sucks, huh? Money is not the problem, I have lots of money. The problem is Maury. Maury is my husband who I want to be my ex husband. I inherited tons of money from my family and Maury is clinging onto that so he refuses to give me a divorce. I told him I would give him ten million dollars and the Palm Beach house if he would get out of my life, but he won’t go for it. Frankly, I wish he’d die in a boating accident. Maury loves his boat. Anyway, whoever said that money is the answer to all of life’s problems, obviously never had any. Because problems are problems, period. Maury is my problem. What’s yours? Me? No problems right now, thank you for asking. But should one arise, I will see it for what it is - self-created, a thing to be worked upon, and an opportunity to change my life in some meaningful and positive way. Been down so long don’t know which way is up. Help. Sit down and make a list of what has gone wrong in your life and a list of what has gone right in your life. Be honest and do it without rancor, malice or recrimination to yourself or others. Now look at both sides of the list and ask yourself if you were present at each and every one of those events. Because if you were there, if that was you, then you know exactly why you did what you did then to become the you that you are now. If you want to change your life (from what it is now), then you must do it fully aware of what you have already done. Why? Because it’s the same process (how you create your life) whether you’re fully conscious of doing it or totally unaware. You are always creating the you that you are; you never stop doing it, even for a moment. So be aware and do it purposefully. Don’t abdicate responsibility for your actions or deny that it wasn’t you. Instead, take responsibility for the life that is as yet, unlived. Create who you want to be and then grow into that person, consciously, intentionally, on purpose. I think you're great. I think you're funny. I think you're cute. I love reading your stuff. I love visiting your website. That's all. Aw. Wow, is this embarrassing. My girlfriend and I got pretty drunk and ended up in a threesome last night for the first time. Only trouble is, it was with this guy, and I did some bisexual stuff, which was great at the time, but I’m embarrassed as hell about it now. What if I’m queer?! Forget the labels. Am I this or am I that is just an intellectual exercise. If you enjoyed doing what you did last night, then own up to that. That is part of who you are now. You had that experience. It can be on-going or it can be an isolated event. It can be a big deal or no deal. It can be anything you want to make it. My advice? Relax about it. I am inheriting about a million bucks from my parents when they die, so I’m just waiting ‘till then. I figure they have about 10 more years max, unless some terrible accident happens before then... Lyle (Menendez) is that you? Ok, I just found out that my boyfriend is mixed up in crime. He does armed robberies evidently and I am very uncomfortable finding this out. We have lived together for 3 years and have two children together. I am afraid he will get caught and go to prison and I will be forced to somehow raise these babies on my own. How do I get him to go straight? Obviously there are communication issues between you guys if you have lived with him for years and had no clue what he does. So I am surmising that you two have not sat down and discussed a future free of crime - what that would be, how you would accomplish it, defining new goals, intentions, expectations, etc. So, start talking with each other and figure out what you want and need your future together to be. Define it. Then create it. Live it. I wish you the best. My cousin is a hick from the sticks and he’s coming here to Montreal to spend the summer with our family. He will ruin all my fun. My friends will despise him. What if he were to get a contagious disease that would make everybody have to stay away? And when would he have to contract it by, to get sick for this summer? In a chat room somebody said malaria would be good. Is that what you would suggest? Thanks. Let me get this straight. You want to give your provincial cousin malaria so you don’t have to see him this summer? Hard core, dude. Hard core. My cat has scratched up all our furniture. I know we leave her alone a lot and she gets mad, but is there a way to stop this behavior? Imagine if you had to spend your days locked in some place with no food, no TV, no books, magazines or anything to read, no radio, no stereo, no music, no company, nothing but where you are. And you had to do this every day, all the time. How bored, then mad would you become? Spend more time with her. Perhaps get another kitty so she won’t be so lonely. Help her live a better life. She’s trying to tell you she is unhappy.

My brother in law copped a feel at my sister’s birthday party. Should I tell my sister that her husband stuck his hand in my blouse? More importantly, should I confess that I liked it? Yes, you should tell her all that, less this escalates and you two end up betraying her behind her back. Let your sister know now what he did and that you liked it. Deal with what that brings. I am very afraid of dying. I am only 62 but I feel my time is sooner rather than later. How can I get a grip on my fears? Create a new framework for your mortality (instead of the fear one you are now employing). You do this by reading, learning, talking with others, becoming more knowledgeable about that which scares you, thereby dispelling your fears. When you come to think of your death in other ways (there is an afterlife, you do go on, you will always exist), then fear can be put aside in favor of a more enlightened approach to your mortality. You may find yourself valuing your remaining time on Earth even more, thereby increasing your quality of life before your death, making your death that much more meaningful. I am meditating everyday. I can’t say I really enjoy it, although it’s different enough that it’s not unpleasant. I’m going to keep at this because you say the effects are worth it. But I’ll tell you, I have done it 3 times now and it’s not doing anything yet. Good for you for exploring new things within yourself! Meditation is a marvelous way of showing you yourself, exploring reality, and calming your physical self. Those are pretty beneficial attributes of merely sitting quietly by yourself, eh? So good on you. Please keep at it, see what happens. I spend a huge amount of money on porn and strippers. My tax accountant says that I can’t deduct it because I’m in the insurance business and not the porn business. So I thought, why not go into the porn business? Why not do what I love? That’s what you’re always saying, right? So I’m going to make a porn movie. And it’s all because of you. Okaaaay. Good letter, that one. It had everything - sex, taxes. What do you think of the veracity of the New Age movement? Are people really getting better from it? You could ask the same of religion. It’s been around a whole lot longer...has it made any difference? But in terms of health, does the New Age movement deliver more than the medical model? New Age is a way to live your life. The medical model is specific to symptoms, reactive, and often short term. It can be highly effective and it can make no positive difference whatsoever. But it is not a lifestyle. I believe that successfully living by New Age credos is a good way to lessen one’s dependency upon the medical model of intervention, because good health is generated from within, and the New Age movement seems to recognize that. What’s your gut tell you? That they both have their place and you are either attracted to or repelled by one or the other. That’s the spirit. Your dogs are so cute! That Sophie is a doll! Do you have a dog door at your house so the pooches can come and go as they please? No, but the front door has to be pushed hard to engage the latch. So we leave the door closed, but not latched. This allows both dogs to just push it open with their nose or feet to enter the house. Of course then the door’s wide open (in the middle of winter), but there’s worse things in life. Sophie is the cutest puppy I have ever seen! But she doesn’t look anything like Tucker. I can’t believe they’re the same breed. What breed is that? Both dogs are Alaskan malamutes. Northern to the bone, they live and breath ice and snow. Big, powerful, beautiful dogs of high intelligence and independence. Are leaves good to use as compost material? They are some of the best. All the Zen stuff says that you have to let go of things instead of clinging tightly to them. But I can’t seem to let go of my worries for my children. How do I release my grip? By trusting them. By believing that they have profited from your parenting. By knowing that what you taught them and gave to them will be enough to guide them as they find and create their own lives apart from you. I was given a new digital camera by my boss at work (I had to return it at the end of the project), but my husband kind of took it over and he started shooting nude pictures of me in the shower and using toys and stuff and now I’m worried that we didn’t erase everything when I gave the camera back yesterday. What if my boss sees what we were doing with it? This sounds like the perfect updating of an I Love Lucy episode - Ethel, we gotta get that camera back! I don’t own a digital camera, but, um, don’t they all use removable media? Didn’t you remove it? I live in Europe and you can’t believe what a din there is over here against Bush’s intention to go to war with Iraq. I’m telling you, people hate Bush over here - imagine how the Arabs feel. What is it like over there in North America? Is this a popular war over there? No, no it isn’t at all. I can tell from your writing that you’re a Democrat. You are always slighting the right and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m here to stand up for those who think that the world would be better off without Saddam Hussein, drugs and welfare junkies. George Bush is a genius. America needs this war. Yeesh, sez you. My Palm batteries just died taking all my addresses with it! Help?! If you have been synching your Palm up with your desktop or laptop computer, your addresses will still be there. On your desktop, go to Palm’s HotSync Manager and click Custom. Then under the address conduit, select "Desktop overwrites handheld". It will restore your addresses. For more detailed instruction, I suggest you visit the helpful folks at Palm. We just got our first computer but it came with a 12" monitor. I think it’s kind of small and hard to see, but my wife says that that is the normal size for a computer monitor and what everybody uses. Is that right? 12 inches! Are you kidding me? That is so not the norm that I don’t even know where you could buy a 12" monitor. That’s amazing. Ok, for a desktop computer 15" is the current low end monitor size that you should be viewing. 17" is way better and worth the upgrade money. 19" is great and 21" is beyond beautiful but expensive. Absolutely, positively, most definitely dump the 12 incher and go to 15, 17, 19 or 21 if you can afford it. There are always donuts at work. I eat a dozen over the course of a day. I’m maybe 60 pounds overweight. If I quit the donuts, how much weight would I lose? Are you just stopping the doughnuts or are you making a full commitment to altering all of your eating habits? Because let’s be frank, if you eat a dozen doughnuts every day, you must be bingeing on other junk foods as well. So what are your intended goals? Do you want better health, or are you just happy with losing a few pounds? And how much weight do you want to lose? What are you willing to do for that? See what I mean? You must formulate goals, THEN quit the doughnuts and other junk food. We bought a computer with a 12 inch monitor too! It’s actually 11.1 inches of viewing space, but it has a rather large bezel around it to make it appear to be bigger than it is. It was hard to see things at first but we got used to it. I say, don’t spend any more money than you have to on a computer. They’re not worth it. Maybe they’re not worth it because computing with a minuscule screen so sucks? Look, trust me, it’s soooooo much better with a bigger monitor that you can’t even imagine it until you use one. Like Miss America says, I want world peace. What do you want? Yes, world peace would be nice. Darren dragged my cheerleading outfit through the mud. Luckily I wasn’t in it. He is so mean. Okay, I’m too young to buy lottery tickets but I came to your web site because I want to win the lottery so I can buy my parents a house so we can move away from mean Darren. How do I buy your book because I have no credit card and I’m not going to send cash in the mail because you could be a ripoff. Thanks. No, thank you. And it seems you're twice lucky dear. It happens that your library system has several copies of FOUND MONEY - How To Consciously Win The Lottery in circulation. You can check it out. You remember that Seinfeld episode where he gets caught picking his nose by the girl he was dating and she breaks up with him because of it? Well, the exact same thing happened to me! What are the odds that my life would be a television script? About 5 to 3. Even though the show is over, can I still sue them for stealing my story? No. Are we ever going to evolve into space mutants by cross breeding with extra terrestrials? No. Is there any way possible that two men can love the same woman and have it work out? Yes. What horse should I bet on? I’m at the track right now and there’s one that has my middle name in its name, but there’s another in the same race that has my nickname. Which horse should I bet on? Hurry, the race is coming up! I’m not interested in betting on animals of any kind, for any reason. You’re on your own. This is my first time here and I was wondering if your Q&As are your FAQs? They’re that and so much more. My girlfriend refuses to wear thongs. She says it’s like intentionally giving yourself a wedgie. But I think they’re sexy. How can I get her to wear them? If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to. Sad but true, dude. Move on. Regarding taxes, why can't we eliminate the hassle, error and redundancy and just go directly to the person who reviews our taxes at Revenue Canada to do our taxes? The same people who review your taxes during the rest of the year could sit down with each of us and calculate our taxes, collect our payment or issue our refund right then and there. That would eliminate redundancy and we could get our refunds immediately. Anything wrong with that? Face to face with the tax man! Intentionally! Ooh, shiver me timbers. Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! I made a ton of money this past year and didn’t pay any taxes on it. I say screw the government. They can come after me if they want. I figure they got their hands full with Iraq. My my, yet another suggestion about how to avoid the dismal prospect of tax preparation. What can I say? This readership is creative if not illegal. I hold a stressful job. I drink a lot of beer and smoke a lot of dope to take my mind off the work. But don’t get me wrong, I like to drink and smoke. I’d do it regardless of the anxiety my work causes me. My question is whether there are better recreational drugs than weed and beer. Better than what? Everything has its own properties. It’s all pretty much experiential dontcha think? I’m only 12 but I’m wondering how you go about planning what career you’re supposed to have. And how do you know what you would be good at? Wow, you’re only 12 and you read this site?! Shocking. Honey, you have some frightful stage parents pushing you or something? Because most 12 year olds don’t have careers. Really, don’t you think you need to develop a bit more first? You’re not saying much about the war. How come? I figure that people intentionally killing other people pretty much speaks for itself. Have you ever shot a gun? I have. Ever fallen off the roof? Nope. Can you do multiplication past 10 in your head? You kidding, past 10 is why god made calculators. My wife is a nympho. Nothing satisfies her lust for lust. She has strayed in our marriage about a thousand times. For a long time we’ve stayed together for the sake of the kids, but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe she should set up her own business and start making money off all the sex. That would be a good way to embrace her needs and make a lot of money too (my needs). That’s a win-win situation, right? Riiiiiight, pimping your wife...family income...the sake of the kids, sure, sounds like a modern family values thing to me.

I also had a toothache once. It is the worst pain possible. I can see why people take pliers to their mouths. The pain is intolerable. How’s your tooth now? The root canal is still in progress. Seems I have really long roots or something difficult as that. Another two sessions. At least the pain has gone away. I can’t believe I belong to this family. Uncle Marty is a perv and my other uncle is a junkie. Why is my family so messed up? All families are messed up, honey. That is because all families are comprised of human beings, each of us living the newfound life, each and every one of us playing it by ear, winging it, making it up as it goes along. Just some are more developed at it then others. Like you. That's all. What are the chances that if we take a vacation to Hollywood, we’ll see some celebrities? Probably better than if you stay in Medicine Hat where you are right now. Speaking of celebrities, I saw Richard Gere in person and immediately wet my panties. I’m serious, I was oozing for this guy. He is a beautiful person inside and out - but mostly out. What a lovely story. I bet you’re not going to believe this but I have been married 9 times. Each and every one of them was true love. All except the 3rd one, it only lasted 2 months, she blinded me by her chest size. I’m single right now. But I’m only 46. I could have 8 more marriages in me before I croak. Would that be a world record? By the way, there is definitely such a thing as love at first sight. It’s happened to me a bunch of times. Your site rocks. Later. Even though there’s no question in there, I liked this letter. I bought a really expensive engagement ring and three days after I gave it to my girl, she got mugged and it got stolen. What kind of karma is that? The bad kind? Look, whether it’s karmic or not, it happened. If you really want to find out what this was about, accept the fact that it happened, and (if necessary) pretend that it was a psychically complicit act. That’s right, imagine that you agreed to have this happen (your girl and the mugger too). Because if it was so, then you should be able to find reasons as to why that event played itself out. Because you got something out of it, so did your girl and so did the mugger. And I’m not just referring to the actual ring either. There are many reasons why we do what we do. Find out why it was so for you, because after all, it DID happen. My wife served split pea soup at a business dinner! It tasted like chalk and ruined the whole mood of the meeting. Nothing got done after that. And certainly no deals were signed. Do you think my wife betrayed me like that consciously or unconsciously? Do you mean subconsciously? (Unconsciously means she would have been out like a light.) And speaking of being out of it - why the horror over pea soup? Is it because it’s green? Anyway, the only way to know whether what she did was what you think, is to discuss the incident with her and hash it out. Find out, were you betrayed unconsciously? I have a legitimate question. You better not make fun of me. I have a very refined sense of smell, and I grew up in a household full of six women, and I can smell when a woman is menstruating. Even on the street. My question is whether I should use my "gift" in a sexual way? Huh? I mean that because I know something intimate about all these women who are having their periods, I could use that to my advantage, to maybe score with them. Say what? Never mind, I knew you were going to make fun of me. I would think that telling a woman what she clearly already knows - that she is menstruating - might embarrass her or make her self-conscious, but I’m not so sure it would, you know, turn her on. Saaaay, does it turn you on? Is this what this is about? Hello? They spelled my name wrong in my wedding announcement in the paper! It said Lila Hobbs and my name is Lisa Hobbs! I’m so mortified. Now I don’t want to even cut it out and keep it as a keepsake. What can I do?! Perhaps the paper will rerun it with the correct spelling if you explain to them your desire to keep it as a memory of your engagement. Best wishes on your impending nuptials. This is crazy! I have been arrested by my former wife for stalking! She said I violated the restraining order to stay 500 meters away from her because we ran into each other at the chemists! She started screaming like I was attacking her! I got arrested! She is nuts! Is this the craziest thing you’ve ever heard of? Not by a long shot. But I couldn’t help wondering why, you know, she had a restraining order against you in the first place...

On our honeymoon, my husband shagged the housekeeping girl. Should I divorce him? Just like I can’t say why you married him, I can’t say why you should leave (or stay with) him. But YOU can. You can say all that and more. So...what do you say? I just read FOUND MONEY and I am psyched to try your suggestions. How long should I practice the techniques? You are practicing conscious realization. When you understand that the techniques you are using will produce the desired results that you intend, then asking how long is irrelevant. Who was better, Keith Moon or Gene Krupa? There is no better when you’re that great. Did you ever go to Florida during spring break in college? Every year. It’s a 24 hour drive straight down Interstate 75. But we didn’t go to Daytona or Ft. Lauderdale and party, we went down to the Everglades. Lord, that place incredible. It’s like stepping back to a reality thousands of years ago - and not a Bud Light sign in the place. What if you found out that someone you disliked was your uncle? This just happened to me. Family’s family. You do what you have to do to live with that fact. This is going to sound corny, but I think that what you are doing here with your web site is fantastic. It’s a real public service the way you talk about accepting responsibility for our own lives. You should be proud. Thank you, but I’m not proud so much as forthright. I’m just saying what I believe. And as a reader that either resonates or it doesn’t. For you, what’s the worst aspect of being a publisher? Shipping and handling. I am an all nat-u-rel woman. You get my drift? Uh, no, not really. I am a big, beautiful woman, fool! BBW? You know that term? Well I am all nat-u-rel all the time. My best assets are my most nat-u-rel booty, and my most nat-u-rel boobs. That’s all I’m talkin’ about, fool. The goods are right here. You want some? Uh, no, not really. In hockey, when the announcer says they change on the fly, does mean that the teams have a bunch of flies buzzing around them at the bench? No, it means that they are changing lines without a stoppage in play. I didn't think so! I kept thinking how cold it must be in a hockey rink and how could you keep a bunch of flies in one! Yes, t'would be difficult. I have fifty Game Boys. I don’t mean cartridges either, I mean fifty machines. I collect them. Someday I’m going to sell them on eBay or to some rich Game Boy collector. In the meantime I’m playing my brains out. My thumbs are getting sore. But it’s worth it. Uh-huh... You know what I think? I think those "What can Brown do for you" commercials are the stupidest thing ever. Who sold them that dumbass idea? They already have complete market branding! Everybody knows UPS as UPS, not some lame, "hip", stupid thing like "Brown". And besides, brown is the color of excrement. Which is what those commercials are. Right? Did we miss our medication this morning? I’m with that UPS guy. "Brown" is the worst marketing idea I have heard in a long time. I can’t believe the UPS brass went with it. Or that it tested well with an audience. I’m in advertising and I’ll bet you that within a couple of months they will stop pushing the "Brown" commercials. Take that UPS. Everybody feel better? Are we done bashing this company? I made a workout CD of ripped tracks for my Mom, but she wouldn’t use it because she said I was ripping off the artists by stealing their music. I told her that was crap and they’re playing music because they are musicians. The truth is no musician ever got into it to make money. They do it because they want to make music. It’s the record company that wants them to make money because then the record company makes money. Well screw the record company. What do you think about this? You can’t stop technology. File sharing is going to continue. Peer to peers are going to continue. The music biz better come up with a new way of making too much money, because the technology isn’t going away. They are not adapting well and they are suffering because of it. I work for UPS and I love the "Brown" concept. I also love being able to wear shorts to work. So screw you to you whoever that was that said screw you to us. Okaaay. Now are we done? When I grow up I want to be an organ grinder with a monkey on my back. Now couldn’t that be taken several ways... I’ve noticed of late that your questions aren't really questions. Why are you publishing them? Sometimes the best letters don’t have questions, but do have interesting thoughts. If they’re fun to read, I often include them. Entertainment is an integral part of our mandate. How do you know that the letters you get aren’t fake? Doesn’t matter if they are. Doesn’t matter if they aren’t. We answer all mail (except spam). I bought your book from Amazon.com and they sent it to me in two days. And I live in Ecuador! Here, things take weeks, months, not days. How did that book get here so fast? This is like one of those math questions: If a book is traveling at the same rate of speed as your expectations, how many miles would it have to cover in two days if they passed each other half way? I can't say why you got it so quickly. Perhaps you’re just fortunate? Our family went to Greece for our vacation. My wife and our 16 year old daughter laid around the beach topless the whole time. When we got home (to Mississippi), our minister called on us to discuss our daughter’s vacation nudity (how he found out, I’ll never know). Now, after his talk, my wife and I feel like perverts, though we certainly didn’t at the time. Have we committed some moral sin? Will our daughter suffer because of this? We are really confused. Look, if you felt fine about it at the time, then accept that. Frankly, your minister has nothing to do with this. It’s none of his business. It’s your business. I think you are wrong about it being none of the minister’s business in that letter about the girl going topless. Ministers are the moral backbone of this nation. They and God ought to be involved in every aspect of our daily lives - even on vacation. Sez you. Why do I need some third party telling me how to act in my life? He’s not living it. I am. All he should know about is how to run his life. Now, if his life is going spectacularly well, then I agree, he is a man to listen to, but if it ain’t, the self-proclaimed affiliation with God sure isn’t enough to blind me to his rhetoric. And by the way, the moral backbone of this nation is each individual’s good conscience, not some minister’s words. Out of all the places you’ve lived, which has the best drinking water? Far and away, Hood River, Oregon. The drinking water was sublime. Best water I’ve ever had. Your ‘nucks got roasted last night. Still think they’re going to the Stanley Cup finals this year? I do. But you’re right, last night was a brutal game (they could have clinched the series against Minnesota, but instead came unraveled in a 7-2 loss). That notwithstanding, I believe that Vancouver is going to meet Ottawa in the finals this year. 'Course, they still have to get out of the second round. We bought an exotic car for $82,000 yesterday. My father paid $16,000 for his first house! He’s 91 and he still lives in it. I’m afraid to drive over there and show him the new car because I don’t think he’ll understand. But I want him to see this cool car too! How can I do this? Show him. If he asks how much it cost, tell him the car costs half as much as it did. How would he know? Here’s yet another sex question. My wife surprised me by getting all this sexy underwear - but not for her! For me! I couldn’t believe it. She got me these revealing thongs and nipple clamps and - Nipple clamps aren’t underwear. I just said that ‘cause I was embarrassed. What she got was all this bondage stuff. Leather whips and choke collars. I think this is really freaky and I told her so but she says that she has been fantasizing about this domination/submission thing and she wants to act on it. Like I said, this is pretty freaky. She’s a school teacher! I don’t know what to do. Try it with her. Broaden your own horizons. If it doesn’t work for you (or her), then you guys discuss your options and go from there. But if you dismiss it out of hand, she will likely try it elsewhere. Hell, she’s got all the gear! So go on, be a sport. See how you are personally affected. Take it from there. Have fun. I think you're deep. Wha, just deep? Not mysterious too? Drat. I went in to fix my mother’s computer and found all these sex sites bookmarked and then found hundreds of pornographic pictures on her hard drive. Should I say anything to her about it? Like what? Nice photos, Ma? Is it any of your business or concern that she likes sex (other than the fact that she had to have sex to have you)? And what’s wrong with that? Look people, sex is great. It is one of the best things we can do with our bodies. Wouldn’t it be nice if everybody quit being so pious or hung up or disapproving or sanctimonious or whatever the hell it is that people pretend to be when they confront sex in any of its forms. Lighten up. Sex is good. I went to high school with Madonna and back then she was a trailer trash tramp. Don’t you think it’s ironic that now she is trying to portray herself as the good mother all full of family values? Madonna the soccer mom. Right! People change. So? My dog loves me so much that sometimes I feel guilty for having to leave him. Why can’t we take our dogs everywhere like they get to do in Europe? I wish it were like that here in North America. I’d be all for that, sister! I’m a health inspector and I’ll tell you why they are restricted in most places. Dogs are filthy that’s why. That’s why they’re called beasts. It’s all what you believe. If you believe that dogs are the greatest gift that mankind has, the most sincere and loyal of all things known to man, and the only giver of continuous and unbidden love to all men equally, without rancor, remuneration or guile, then that’s what dogs are to you. Or they can be filthy mutts. See, it’s all what you believe (to be true). Everything is all that you believe to be true. Speaking of vermin, my daughter has lice! She got if from the filthy children at her school. I don’t know who’s more wigged out, me or her. Lice are disgusting vermin and because I don’t want them in my house, I made her strip naked and washed her off outside with a hose. Only later I learned our neighbour leered at her while I did this. I reported him to the coppers. My life is out of control. I think I need pills. This isn’t even to mention that my husband is having an affair with a different kind of filthy vermin named Marla. Where’s the sunshine that’s supposed to be in my life? It’s always raining at my house. I’m sick of it too. It wears me out. I can’t seem to change things by myself. Whew, you know, mental health needs to be nurtured. If you’re stressed or depressed, see someone, eh? Help yourself. Grace is my name and I am in a state of grace. I am graceful as well. What are the odds on that? Grace, Grace, and more Grace. Grace thriced. Yes, the odds indeed. I am a fireman and for the first time in my life I was scared on a call. This has really shaken my confidence. How do I get over being afraid of my work? You will have to work your way through it. You’ll need to examine exactly what you’re afraid of; all the stuff that precipitated that, all the stuff that will result from the newfound fear. You may feel comfortable examining your life, motives, intentions and beliefs by yourself, or you may prefer the help of someone to talk to (a therapist, a doctor, your wife, etc.). To sum: you need to figure out what it is that scares you and where that came from. From that you’ll be able to figure out how to alleviate or ameliorate the effects of the new found fear. I love Dr. Phil. What do you think of him? I think Dr. Phil is ok. He is very much about the person taking responsibility for their choices and actions, as am I. We’re taking the kids to Disney World but my wife wants to turn it into a sexy vacation for us too. She has bought all this revealing underwea