Q&A 7

 

Are you in favor of cutting one's bad children out of the will? I have two that would fit the bill.

That is such a personal choice. Just remember that after you're gone, your "good" children and your "bad" children will be left to fight out the mess you've created by not sharing the pie. Is that your desire?


What if there are green people on Mars, and then we land with our white astronauts and the green people freak at the white people and attack us and kill us? If that happens I hope George Bush invades Mars.

Well, duh.


I don’t think we have fully assessed the risk of meeting Mars people. I think you’d have to send a world leader up there to meet with everyone first. To smooth things over. Heck, who better than Bush?

George Bush on Mars. I wish.


I have been giving these Mars people a lot of thought. Personally, I’m a little worried. Do you think it would be a good idea to send up actors in green makeup along with the white astronauts? This might appease the Mars people. I’m torn on this because actors in space has not been fully tested. Thank you. I love your site.

Brilliant plan. George Bush takes a bunch of actors up to Mars to chat with the Mars people (who are, by the way, called Martians). I love it. I say we send ‘em today. ASAP. Why wait?


I am a lover of all things Microsoft. I know that's not a popular thing to be, but I am nonetheless. How do you feel about me loving them this way?

I feel good. Love is love.


I am from Finland and would like to buy your book FOUND MONEY, How To Consciously Win The Lottery. How much would this cost for me? Do you take credit cards?

Yes, we take credit cards and PayPal. Your account will be charged $2.50 in U.S. dollars.  


Once again, I'm stuck. Red or this hideous blue?

Um, let's try red this time. Was that a good choice? Red? Hello?


So, is it any coincidence that we get a new Q&A page for the Chinese New Year?

Probably, even though there are no coincidences (he’s so cryptic!). Actually, it’s more of an ignorance thing (I didn’t realize it was the Chinese New Year). Still, we have the birth of Q&A 7 here in the Year of the Monkey. Gosh, that must mean something.


I have invented something that I’m sure would make me rich. The only trouble is I’m afraid to tell anybody about it because I’m afraid they will steal my idea. How do I capitalize on it?

I suppose you must cover all your legal bases. You know, obtain a patent, hire lawyers to vigorously defend the patent, seek manufacturing contracts for the product, explore retail sales markets, etc. In short, start a business for this invention.


We went to a Sonics basketball game and my girlfriend got hit in the head with a tipped ball. Now she is having headaches. Can we sue the SuperSonics for her injury?

Sigh. You can do anything you want.
Hey guys, when did this become a legal column? Does anybody have any questions that don’t involve lawsuits or getting ripped off?


I live in Brainerd, Minnesota and my name is Gunderson – just like in Fargo! My question is what did you think of Fargo, the movie?

I loved Fargo, the movie. It was wonderful. Now that’s more like it!


Don’t blow up. This isn’t really a “law” question, but it is about law school. Okay, I got accepted to a prestigious law school in Boston but I’m not prepared to move to that city. I can also stay here in Oklahoma and go to a much smaller law school with no prestige. Is it shooting myself in the foot to stay home?

Nah. You make your own way based on your talents and drive and intentions. Eventually, what school you went to will have little bearing on the career you end up having. Go get your degree, wherever, and don’t look back.


How much money is enough for one individual? Should I set my sights ridiculously high?

The fear of being too rich is less a fear than a limiting belief. Why not shoot for the stars - then take what comes?


I own a NASCAR race car. It brings me great pleasure and joy to sponsor this team. But don’t kid yourself, it’s expensive to run a race team and it can easily be a losing proposition. And that’s the trouble for my wife and kids. They think I’m blowing their inheritances on my “hobby”. But like I said, owing a car brings me great joy... And you know what? I’m going to keep doing it until I have no more money to do it. So in a way, they’re right, I will spend it all. Never mind, I just answered my own question.

Atta boy.


Did you take sex ed in school?

Nope. Where I came from the school system figured that teaching sex would just entice the kiddies to have it. Better to let them remain ignorant, let them fumble their way around STDs, unwanted pregnancies, etc. Yes, said our school system, let experience, not education, teach our children. Whoo.


What would you do if you just found out that your cousin moved in next door to Chevy Chase?

That’s quite interesting – the very same question was asked of Winston Churchill nearly 40 years ago. I believe he replied, "Chevy who?"
I gotta go with Winston on this one. You know, maybe I'd add, "Chevy who cares?"


I am a black American male with 18 inch arms and a bad attitude. I’ve been in Attica and Fremont. I’ve did what I did, but I’m thinking of changing my life. What you got to say about me doing that?

If you apply the same determination that has brought you 18 inch arms and a bad attitude, to something positive and encouraging, I think you’ll go far. You already have a lot of inner strength (to be who you currently are), and you’ll draw upon that in whatever you decide to do. Best wishes, man.


There are 3 ways for me to go. 2 of them are scary but 1 of them is risky. Should I take the risk or face my fears?

You are being presented with an opportunity for growth. Since all 3 experiences will foster that growth, you can’t lose. Pick one.


I smell a rat. He’s at work and he’s eating MY cheese. Should I turn the little rodent in? Or should I kill him?

Trap him. Expose him for the cheese eating co-working rat that he is. You’ll look good, he won’t.


Please tell me how to do this again. You already wrote me once about it, and I appreciate that, but I’m new to the computer and I managed to erased all the mail and then found out later you can’t get it none back. How the heck do I make a lot of money? Be specific. I’ve had it. By the way, I’m writing this at the library where you can use a computer for a half hour. So I don’t get no more time until Thursday. So write me back on Thursday. I’m counting on you.

I love to be counted on. Ok, there is no reason in the world why you can’t make a lot of money. That’s right. You can do whatever you set your mind to doing. HOW you do that is in my book FOUND MONEY: How To Consciously Win The Lottery which, by Thursday, today, just happens to be at your very own local library (because I just sent them two copies to put into circulation). Check it out.


This is my worst sexual nightmare. It seems my husband is turning gay! He has a male lover! I am freaking out! He says there is no emotional connection to this man, it’s just sex between them. Sex! With a guy! I am freaking out. He says he’s bi-sexual because he still likes doing me. I – am – freaking – out! How do I get my husband back? And don’t tell me to calm down – everyone is telling me to calm down.

Sorry. Can’t. Have to. Calm down, ok? The shock of the news is still fresh so indulge in your emotions and such until you can calm down and take a look at your current situation. Then, given the information, think about what you want to have happen. What can you live with? What can you live without? Don’t just blame your husband, you’re in this event too, so what do you want it to be? Shape the experience. Make it useful for you.


This is Carlo from Italy again. A while back you and me had it out about you trying to steal my girlfriend. Remember that, Mr. Footyball? I am not afraid of you! So I see you look at her in stands just one more time again, I will find you outside the stadium. We’ll see then. This is my last warning. No more eyes at her!

Okaaaaay. Clearly you have me confused with someone else. Though no one has ever called me Mr. Footyball before. So you get points for that.


The situation is hopeless. I feel like I’m a magnet all right – a magnet for bad luck and crappy karma. How do I end this cycle?

The same way you got yourself into it. Through your mind, your thoughts, the kind of self-talk you are generating. Just a guess here, but I bet it’s all pretty bad stuff. Beating yourself up here, calling yourself names there…yeah? Well stop doing that. Do something constructive for yourself. Build yourself up. Cheer yourself on, if for nothing else then the effort required to make changes. Do that, and your whole world will change. I guarantee it.


Carbohydrates give me gas. What should I do?

Stop eating them?


I’m not much good with protein either.

Ooh, that’s more serious. Gotta have protein. What do you eat?


Well certainly not dairy. And absolutely no meat of any kind. Fish either. Nothing with preservatives. I don’t even like most veggies - and don’t get me started about fruit. I like crackers.

Crackers?


I like the way they taste. Zero calories. I’m watching my weight.

I’ll bet you are. My suggestion? There are psychological issues that are causing you to severely restrict your diet. This has to be to the detriment of your physical body. Which means you probably don’t feel so good. So before you can start eating better – and you should – you have to figure out why you’re eating so poorly. That’s all in your head. You’ve got ideas about this. You need to talk with someone who can help you find a better balance. It’s seriously worth the effort.


My baby is a centerfold! She’s now officially a pinup. She’s April in a new calendar put out by a big tool manufacturer. She’s totally nude except for a hardhat and a wrench. They smudged her cheeks and breasts to make her look dirty. It’s an adorable picture. I want to blow it up and hang it in the living room. But she’s a little embarrassed. She says we shouldn’t hang it at all. But I want everyone to see! All my buddies will be jealous that I married such a bombshell. What should I say to get her to let me hang it?

You shouldn’t even try. It’s inappropriate, dude. Unless you hang a naked picture of you right alongside hers. Then it’s art. Bet that would make them jealous! Not. See what I’m saying? Your ego is telling you to make your buddies happy while you make your wife miserable. Does that make sense to you?


Pluto is way out there. Mars is a candy bar. The sun is El Sol way down south in ol’ Mehico, and Earth is dirt. I’m recataloguing the solar system. I have a lot of time on my hands. There’s many of us here. Could you send me something to read?

Just a guess of course: in prison are we? Doesn’t matter. In the mail is brand new reading material. Enjoy. Oh and best wishes on that solar system project.


How many crazy people do you have visiting your site every week?

Just one, but she’s in a disguise every time, so it’s like a million.


My daughter has accused my husband of sexually abusing her. The only trouble is, my husband lost the use of his member more than 20 years ago after stepping on a land mine in Vietnam. So I’m fairly sure my daughter is making this up. Do you think it’s her way of trying to get attention?

Ok, you need to take her assertions seriously. She should speak with a counselor or therapist about this, whether it’s true or not. You need to support your daughter and your husband until you can discover what is really going on. When you are able to understand it, then you can decide what it means for your family, and how you’ll cope with the fallout.


I am crazy for this one girl (we’ve never met), but it’s been rumoured that she is lesbian. How do I find this out before I spend a lot of time wooing her to no avail if it’s true? She’s wonderful and I don’t want to come across as crass or rude. Thank you.

There’s your opening line. Go up to her, introduce yourself, and tell her exactly what you just told me. If she’s straight she’ll be flattered, if she’s gay she’ll tell you.


I had new breast implants put in and now all the men stare. I never thought I’d say this but it’s exciting to be leered at. To be honest, I’m a plain looking woman, but now with my huge breasts I’m desirable. What do you think about cosmetic surgery?

It’s fine by me. If you feel better about yourself, that’s kind of the point of doing it, right? Best wishes on the new you.


If it’s a choice between easy or hard, somehow I always manage to pick hard. Why do I do this?

I don’t know, why don’t you pick easy? Must be a reason, eh? Think about it, I’m sure something will come to mind.


How do I get more calm into my life? I meditate right when I wake up, and that is great, but the moment never lasts. Soon I get all caught up in the kids and getting them off to school and me and my husband going to work and then all that stress all day long at my job and then back home to the kids and cooking and baths and bedtimes - I’m getting frazzled. Help.

Relax, on purpose. Make time for more calming moments throughout your day. If you really want to, you can do this. Instead of fueling up with another cup of coffee, calm down with 5 minutes at your desk, detaching from your surroundings and taking a time out from everything that is going on around you. Do this at least 3 times during your day and you will cope much better than you currently are. Relax, on purpose. Novel concept, eh?


My problem is an embarrassing one. I have a fetish for women’s panties. Lately I have been breaking into some of my neighbor’s homes to steal them. And it’s getting worse. As my collection of panties grows, I find I’m bitten by the collector bug. I want more and more! This has meant more breaking and enterings, upping my chances to get caught for burglary. But I don’t care. I want the biggest panty collection in the world. I want to be surrounded by panties.

Good hobby there, son. Wow, where to begin. Ok, let’s jump forward to after getting caught, after the trial, all the way to prison. Now just imagine the reaction of your fellow hard core inmates when you answer, for the very first time, the quintessential jailhouse question: What are you in for? Oh yes, imagine their joy as “panty stealing” falls meekly from your lips… Ooh, my advice? Find another way to feed your fetish.


I love Donald Trump’s hair. It’s so ridiculous as to be a signature. Same for Don King and Whoopie Goldberg and that guy who sings for the Counting Crows. Actually, my hair too is a little ratty, and shall we say, unkempt.

Why am I not surprised?


Do you have any friends that are billionaires?

No.


Do you know any millionaires?

Why?


Thousandaires?

Look, everybody I know is either poor or in debt. To my friends, positive cash flow is selling out. Does that make them bad people? No, just poor or in debt. Again, why?


The reason I’m asking is that I am just about to marry a really rich guy and I’m from a poor background so I don’t know if I love him for more then just his money.

Why didn't you say so in the first place? Look, you’re marrying someone for money. Love? It doesn’t matter if you love him, you’re not marrying for love. You’re marrying for money. You’re pretty clear about that. So what’s the problem?


That makes me sound like such a whore!

?


Is your company hiring? I’m expert in many areas of publishing. I live in Greece but coming to Canada soon. Thank you.

Thank you for your interest in our company, but unfortunately, we are not hiring now.

 
We’re going to Cancun this year for Spring Break. Girls gone wild! I’ve bought two new string bikinis that are totally hot (and see thru when wet!). Unfortunately my mother found them (along with a few sex toys). She says I clearly need a chaperone and that she’s coming with us! That is so bogus. My friends will think I’m psycho if I bring my mother. How do I get her to not come?

A mother’s love for her wild daughter knows no bounds. You and your mother will have to talk about it. I really have nothing else to offer. My work is done. But yours is just beginning.


Can you get pregnant in a hot tub? Doesn’t the heat of the water kill the sperms?

Yes, you can get pregnant in a hot tub. The hot water is not a factor because the sperm is a direct deposit. Which means you can also get pregnant in the bathtub, the shower and of course, the swimming pool. Uh, is that good news or bad news for you?


I love meat. I think vegetarians are wacky people with messed up minds. Who is better, us meat eaters or the flower lovers?

Everything has consciousness. Meat, flowers, rocks, everything. Everyone has to eat to remain alive on Earth. Therefore everyone must make choices about food. So you don’t like the choice of some people. So what? Your choice isn’t better or worse. It’s just your choice. As is theirs.


I saw a terrible movie that I don’t even remember the name of. I was ready to ask for my money back from the theater. Would they have given me my money back if I asked?

Perhaps, but only if you left early. If you watched the whole movie, forget it. That’s like eating a meal in a restaurant, and when the check is delivered, saying that the food was terrible (even though you ate it all) and you’re not paying for it. Not really fair, now is it?


I don’t get the phrase “pails by comparison”. Why would you compare pails?

That’s because it’s “pales by comparison”. You know, lesser than.


Gloria finally decided to let me sleep with her sister, Ginny. The only trouble is Ginny's husband, Paco. If he finds out he'll kill me. But I'm going to do it anyway. Wish me luck.

Nah, can't do that, but I will applaud your risk taking bravado. Um, by the way, Paco doesn't read this site, does he?


My life has been going pretty good, and I thought I was doing a nice job with it, but then I got hit with a big lawsuit and I might lose my house over it. How can something bad like this happen when I was thinking such good thoughts?

Remember, all events are neutral until we imbue them with a judgment (good or bad). You know, everybody thinks that winning the lottery would be the best thing that could ever happen to them - when it could very well turn out to be the worst. Just remain open to all that is happening. Soon enough you’ll see why things went down the way they did.


I am moving to Australia with my boyfriend and his sister. I am sort of afraid of all the bugs and stuff, but I’m going anyway. My question is about my boyfriend’s sister. I am more attracted to her then her brother. We made out one night when we got drunk and it was pretty cool. What I’m afraid of is that all three of us are going to end up in bed at some point and that would be incest. So my question is is incest so wrong?

Beyond the personal ick factor, beyond the societal taboo of it, beyond the biological potential of producing idiot children, and beyond the legal fortitudes against it, I guess, gee, it’s just another personal choice.


Seven and a half years ago I stole some money from my company - but I never spent it, figuring that if I got caught, I would just give it back and they would let me go with no charges because they would want to hush it up. But they never found out! Our company shreds all records older then seven years, so recently I went in to find the files pertaining to my embezzlement – and they’re gone! Not archived, but completely shredded. I suppose they are on a disk or tape drive somewhere, but I don’t care about that because they would only look for it if they knew it was missing – which obviously they don’t. I have over six million dollars! If I stay two more years, I’m at official early retirement age, and no one would suspect a thing if I quit. Then I’m really going to start living! Only two more years to go. I wrote because I had to tell somebody. Now you know. But isn’t it great!

Whew.


I just did my boss. He’s a real hunk. The sex was incredible. Now I have to go home to my worm of a husband. For anybody who wants to know, this is how divorces happen. Your husband is pathetic so you end up leaving. You know any good divorce lawyers in New Hampshire? Preferably hunky ones.

Goodness.


I went with my husband to Japan on a business trip. He came back to the hotel one night and told me he’d just been to an orgy! He said the Japanese businessmen he was negotiating with made him go or they wouldn’t sign the contracts. My husband said since he did it for business reasons, and he came and told me about it right away, that it was ok. But I wonder, is that all right to do? Should I not be mad?

If the Japanese businessmen had told your husband to jump off a bridge, maim a competitor, or bribe a judge, would he have done any those things? So how come when they told him to have sex with strangers, he did? Should you be mad? I don’t know, I can’t say what you should be feeling. Should you question your husband’s behavior? Uh, yeah.


Can God really hear me when I pray?

Honey, what if you are God? Can you hear yourself?


My tractor is acting up and I want to buy a new one. Lately, my wife has been acting up too, should I get a new one?

Uh…


My girl is into those low rider jeans that expose her thong. I’m tired of everyone staring at her butt and ogling her panties. But she says they’re cool and hip and that’s what everyone is wearing. I know this is a trend thing and it will die out, but how much longer do I have to put up with this?

I just read yesterday that pop tart Kylie Minogue pronounced the thong dead. If the thong is passé, then low riders can’t be far behind (pun intended), eh?


I have this problem see. Can you be flatulent and still get into Heaven?

No, no you can’t. 1.) because there is no such thing as Heaven, so there is nothing to get in to; no entrance requirements to anywhere; no entrance; and 2.) because flatulence is a physical bodily function, you needn’t worry, because the body doesn’t go where you go after you die. This is because the body is actually what dies. And with it, your flatulence problem. So, to sum: you’re going to a place you can’t help but go, with no body attached. Ok? Rest easy.


I’m going crazy. I am always out of money. It’s stressing me out. How do I end this financial poverty?

You accept that you are creating that particular scenario (by your thoughts and beliefs about money, and its shortages), which means that if you made that situation, then you are free to create another scenario where that isn’t true (where you’re not always out of money). You’re doing it, from inside your own head. No one is keeping you down unless you believe they are. And to do so is an abdication of personal power and an admission that you are not responsible for your actions and life events. Therefore you feel powerless to change it. You feel that life is happening to you. But that’s not true. It’s the opposite actually. How do you end financial poverty? Take responsibility for all that is happening in your life, and you can alter that which you’d like to change.


I too am about to accompany my husband to Japan on a business trip! Now I’m worried because what if having an orgy is an accepted Japanese business practice? My husband promises me he won’t be having any sex with any women over there, but I don’t know.

What don’t you know? That your worries and fears and speculations are more real to you than your husband’s promise? Get over it. Stop projecting scenarios that you don’t want to have happen. Focus on what you do want to happen. Can you see the difference?


George Bush is good for America, and what’s good for America is good for the world. So why don’t you like Bush?

First off, I don’t agree with either of your premises. As a matter of fact I say, Har. As for Bush, he’s insipid, brash, and shallow. In a “leader” that’s such an unfortunate, ugly combination of traits.


I put up a website offering amateur vids of me and my wife and her cousin and the demand for the tape is fantastic. I have sold hundreds. I want to make more but the only problem is neither my wife nor her cousin have any idea I taped it and am selling it. But the kind of tape I want to make next will require lots of hand held close ups so I need them to know they are being filmed. How do I do that?

Ah yes, the great American tradition of exploiting your wife and her family for fun and profit without their knowledge. Jeez man, I don’t have anything more to add to that. You’re still on your own.
 
My mom took it upon herself to restyle her own hair and it looks atrocious. To cover it up, she took to wearing hats. Then her best friend said the hats look stupid and she ought to stop trying to cover her bad hair with them. Frantic, my mother chopped off most of her hair down to a boy’s cut. She looks so butch. And oddly enough, it works for her. Now my dad is kind of freaked out because his friends are kidding him about his wife turning into a dyke. He wants her to get a wig. Why is our hair such a big deal?

It’s one of the few things on our bodies that is alterable and renewable. It frames your face and covers your head, the most identifiable part of our bodies. Therefore it shapes our perception of how we present ourselves. Those that don’t have it, usually want it. Those that have it, constantly play with it. To the vanity in all humans, hair is a big deal.


Can you get close to the flame without getting burnt?

Yes and no. It’s all relative. Just like one’s life. Funny, huh?


Motivate me!

You are the greatest thing that ever existed. I mean that.


I play golf like the next Tiger Woods. How do you get endorsement deals? Should I just call Nike up on the phone? Help me okay, I want to get rich.

I may be wrong here, but I don’t think you can really just call Nike up and tell them you want an endorsement deal... Though maybe no one has done that before and they will find it oh, amusing, and give you an endorsement deal and your own offbeat commercials exactly because you are an unknown. Maybe not. Either way, it's your dream, only you can follow it or abandon it. I can only offer you my best wishes.


How do you remain calm in the midst of a storm?

You need to center yourself. The only way to achieve that is to withdraw from the storm outside yourself and go inside yourself – it is the only place true quiet exists. To do so you’ll need to get past all the thoughts in your head and the noise of exterior events. Oddly, it’s very relaxing and energizing at the same time. It’s called meditation. You might want to look into it.


I went golfing and got fleeced. $190 bucks. I needed that money for an operation. Now I might die because I can’t afford it. Isn’t that something?

Sure is. Saaaay, you happy about that? For any reason? Because now that that’s happened, must be some reason it played out that way…eh?


Do you hold retreats of any kind at your place in British Columbia?

Sure, for $100,000 a week we’ll have you over.


Really? I’m serious. I think it would do me a lot of good to talk with someone like you. And if I needed therapy, maybe your wife could squeeze me into her practice while I’m there. You say it’s scenic and peaceful and that you have 37 acres which is plenty of room to walk and think in. So why not have retreats?

Accommodations, meals and transportation, for one. Desire on our parts, two. And finally three, I’m serious about the $100,000, because that is what it would take to interest us enough to think about it.


The transportation company I worked for went bankrupt when the accountant was caught embezzling all the money. I’ve been out of work now for 16 months. But the accountant got off scott free in the trial because of an improper search warrant. This jerk ruined my life and now he gets away with it. I know where this guy lives. I’m thinking of paying him a little visit. Just going to scare him a little, you know? See what shakes from the tree. I’ll let you know what happens.

No, no need to keep me informed. The less I know the less interested the police will be in my testimony. But thanks for thinking of me. Best wishes with your, er, shakedown.


I got caught having sex with our neighbor’s daughter. I’m 52, she is 19. My wife wants a divorce, our daughter, who is the same age as the neighbor girl, is disgusted and is moving in with her boyfriend, and our neighbors have put their house up for sale. Am I having a mid life crisis?

I couldn’t say if it’s the official mid life crisis, but it sure sounds like a crisis in mid life to me.


Tell me why I should care about what I think?

You are what you think. You live what you think. You are unique because of your very own thoughts. If you don’t care about any of that, then you can’t much care for your life. Let alone change it. Or make it what you want it to be. Or anything.


I went on holiday in Mexico and found the cutest little village. In the village was an old woman prophet. You know, pay her a few bucks, read my palm, do it for a lark. She told me I would die within the year! It ruined my holiday and I have been in the foulest mood ever since. How can I forget what she said?

Live past the year. Make that your goal. As soon as you do that, you will forget what she said. In the meantime, appreciate every single day and as many of the moments within it that you can, you know, just in case…


You are such a Bush hater! I hate you! I wish you would just shut up about our President Bush – he is a great man!

Sez you. As for me, I’ve sez it before and I’ll sez it again: Bush is a moron.


I wish you had active chat rooms. I have a lot of topics I would like to hear what your other readers think about. Are you ever going to have chats? (I could moderate a forum if you don’t have the time.)

Hi, and thanks for your suggestion. But I don’t see us, at this time, offering user forums. That’s not to say we wouldn’t ever, just not now.


I’m divorcing my scum of a husband. But I’m truly afraid of the world without him. I have been married a long long time (should have divorced him 20 years ago). How do I get over my fears of falling flat on my face?

You live your life. You go through all the joys and hardships so that you can experience all the joys and hardships. This is how you learn about yourself. It’s living through these experiences that define our worth to ourselves. But you needn’t worry about all that. You need to just live your life; put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. Now you can do this with your head down staring at the ground, or up and walking toward a horizon, or looking furtively around cloaked in fear, or proudly stepping along, or aimlessly wandering entranced by all that is around you... Get me? How do you get over your fears of falling flat on your face? You don’t. You just live your life.


I think Hugh Grant is an elitist prig. As a child I’ll bet he minced around in his mother’s clothes. “Isn’t little Huey precious!” they probably screamed, encouraging him. Now he’s an actor. It makes me sick.

Oooookay.


Dan is the man! He asked me to marry him and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Except for one thing. His last name is Merry. My first name is Sherry. Now I’m going to be Sherry Merry. That sucks. Right now I’m Sherry Littleton. Dan demands that I take his last name. What do I do?

Break up the rhythm of the rhyme. Insert a middle name. Use all three names as your new name. If you don’t have a middle name, make one up.
 

For my birthday my husband gave me a cell phone and I just found out it’s tapped! (He’s in the surveillance business.) He’s been listening to every call I’ve made on it - including some to the guy I’m cheating on him with! I only found out he tapped it after I went snooping into his computer files looking for evidence of other crimes and found the phone logs. This is bad. Now what?

Boy, you two are a pair. There’s no trust. With you two lovebirds looking for dirt on each other, does your marriage sound like a long term prospect to you? I’d say either fix what’s wrong, or get out now. Because what’s in-between is murky and dank. Why live with that?


What is your definition of success?

For me personally? It’s doing what I want to do, being who I want to be. Money? Material things? That stuff isn’t success (to me), though it may be part of your definition.


Will you call Brian back! He’s been waiting by the phone for months! Are you such a big star that you won’t even talk to a little forlorn boy? Call him!

I have no idea what you’re talking about. The only Brian I know drives a logging truck and drinks like a fish. That your little boy?


Blasphemer! My little Brian is your biggest fan! And now you turn your back on him?! May you burn in the furthest depths of Hell! We will never go to another Wycombe game again! Rotter!

Ohhhh, now I get it. You mean Keith Ryan the football star for the Wycombe Wanderers. Yes, he’s a different fellow. Whew, I was worried there about the rotting in hell thing. Excellent. Tell Brian I said hi.


What do you think of the Iraq war?

I think all wars are born in the minds of small men.


Can you get me Jennifer Aniston’s address? I want to stop in on my next trip to California. Thanks.

Didn’t you hear? Jen just moved to Arkansas! Unfortunately, I don’t have her new address, ‘cause if I did, you’d be the first stranger I’d give it to.


You’re not going to believe this, but I don’t want to win millions in the lottery. I don’t want everyone hounding me for money. All I want to win is a few thousand bucks to fix my truck and buy a new water heater. Do I have a better chance to win if I stick with the smaller amounts?

If smaller amounts are your desire, then that’s what it is. But the process - how you win - is the same for any amount. You do the exact same thing: imbue beliefs, thoughts, desires and intentions with the focus and determination necessary to bring this into your life.


You want to know my taxes this year? I made so much money I paid $520,000 in taxes! But I’m laughing. Between you and me, I should owe them twice that much because I skimmed so much. I pulled the cream off the top, baby. I’m going to keep scamming this company till I die. Here’s to the system, baby!

Cheerful larceny. You don’t see that everyday.


How do I eliminate jealousy over my friend’s good fortune?

You are not your friend. Life is not a competition. You’re in this for yourself. You want to help yourself, do good for yourself? Then create your own good fortune and join your friend in celebration. Your life is up to you. If you envy her good fortune, it sounds like your life is up to her.


I think you are such a wise man. Your advice is very spiritual but sound. Are you really living as good a life as you say you are? It’s not that I doubt it, it just seems so far away for me to attain.

The whole gist of this website is to say to anyone who finds their way here, that yes, I am having a marvelous time of it, and that is not by accident, but design. Here’s how I did it and continue to do it. So why should anyone care? Because anyone can do what I’m doing. Everyone can live a wonderful, personal, life by design. Heck, you’re doing it anyway, you just don’t know it.


Everything is useless. Eventually, it will all go away and we’ll be left with nothing. So why do we care so much about having all our stuff now?

What stuff? You talking about VCRs or personal growth?


Just stuff! The stuff of life! Man, are you dense.

Oh really? You ask me a question - a vague question – and when I ask for clarification, you insult me? How nice of you.


Just forget it! Forget I even stumbled into your stupid site.

That won’t be hard to do. Ok, toddle off, we’re finished. Next.


I used Ajax on the exterior of my car trying to get tar off and it scratched the hell out of my paint job. Can I sue Procter & Gamble for ruining my car?

You used Ajax on your car? Who told you that was a good idea? Lordy.


My ex-wife... Damn!

Uh huh...


Can you believe that conniving witch?! She always hated my car. She always said it was just a phallic symbol. So what about suing P&G?

Ah, that’s such a swell idea and all. What else can I say?


How much is that little doggie in the window?

It’s the price of your heart. Are you willing to pay it? Are you looking to make a heartfelt connection or just browsing for an accessory?


I own a wine company and I’m an alcoholic. Because I don’t drink, I haven’t tasted our product in over 12 years. Isn’t that ironic?

Yes, that’s quite a life circumstance you have manifested. One full of fortitude, to be sure. Thanks for visiting the site and writing about it.


I was flying with my cousin in his private plane when he groped my breast! When the plane hit some turbulence he pretended it was for balance but he squeezed it! I was shocked. When he started licking his lips I socked him. His bodyguard rushed over and yanked me out of my seat! He also grabbed my breasts! Men are such pigs!

That was quite a story. It had everything: breasts, bodyguards, and leering cousins. I hope you’re ok. You sound ok. I’ll assume you’re ok. Wow.


I’m writing this from an Internet café. This guy next to me was reading your KeithSpeak column and he was laughing out loud. People started asking him what was so funny and to share it. So he gave out your URL and like suddenly 15 people in here are all reading your site. I just thought you’d like to know – you’re a big hit in Seattle this morning.

Cool. Thanks for passing that along.


If Jesus died for every one of our sins that would be like a trillion billion gajillion deaths. How many times can one guy die?

That’s incredible! Did you just guess that number?! ‘Cause that’s the exact number of deaths one can have! Good on you for that, mate!


I gave my sweetie a Hallmark card and he said it was the sappiest, sugariest card he had ever gotten. He said it made him wanna puke. I was real hurt by that. How could something with good intentions turn out so bad?

That’s an excellent question to ask yourself. How could something with good intentions turn out so bad?


I love cocaine and ecstasy. I party all the time. I also work in the government in a serious, security related job. In the Senate actually. If the public only knew what went on here. Politics is soooo sleazy. Everybody’s dirty. Just thought you’d like to know.

I’m shocked! Shocked, I say.


You haven't been posting as many questions as you usually do. How come?

The Q&As are slowing down, it's true. I have been answering questions for over 6 years now. I'm starting to think that maybe I've said everything at least once already, you know?


Is there a foolproof way to make my ex-husband disappear? Like how do you go about hiring a hit man?

I don’t know where you are, but in Canada we use the Yellow Pages for everything. Lessee, Helicopters, Herbalists, Hitches, ah there we are, Hit Men. There’s two listed in our town, but of course you don’t live here. Bummer, eh?

 
I don’t know nobody who'd appreciate this, so I want a little credit from you for turning my life around. I was a drug abuser who got straight. I am being more aware of my choices except when I’m drunk or stoned. And I know what you’re thinking but pot ain’t no drug like heroin. I don’t do heroin no more. To me, a doobie’s a doobie - just a cup of coffee. Heck, I’m even applying for a job at Wal-Mart if they don’t do no pee tests. I’m doing real good for me. You tell me so.

All right, I will. You are to be commended for applying yourself to making personal changes that you know are within your power to make. That takes resolve, intention and determination. All of those are excellent traits to possess and exercise. So good on you.


Our town mayor is a scumbag and a crook. Everything he does is for personal gain. He is a real political sleazeball who justifies all his actions with right wing, fundamental Christian clap trap. He’s a horrid little man. Has anybody ever assassinated a mayor before?

Hmm, that I can’t say. But bad mayors are a bad thing, that much I do know.


I am so pleased that my girlfriend has asked me to marry her! Isn’t that modern! But wait – there’s a twist! My girlfriend, now fiancé, soon to be wife, is Mr. Robert G. from Queens (I’ve changed her name to protect her from the discrimination and abuse of the ignorant). You know, gays can get married in a whole bunch of states now. So we’re going to. Should she wear white?

But of course! Congratulations you two, may you have a long and loving committed life together.


I cheated on an exam and got caught. The thing is, I’m not sorry I did it. And I know for sure I would do it again. I’m pretty lazy, and studying isn’t something I like to do. I don’t care about half the crap they teach anyway. How old do you have to be to quit school?

I think when you quit, you quit, no matter how old you are, unless you’re in kindergarten, and then they probably won’t let you quit, so I guess you can’t be 5 years old, if you’re looking for an age limit. Does that help?


I am a math whiz. The only trouble is I don’t really like the other math whizzes. They’re nerds and geeks and I’m not at all like that. I happen to be captain of the wrestling team and a chick magnet. So how do I differentiate myself from the rest of the nerds so people don’t mistake me for one?

Sounds to me like you already have. You know, being a chick magnet and all. I wouldn’t worry too much about the confusions of other folk. Just be yourself.


I was on vacation in Europe with my family and was kicking a soccer ball around with my brother. To make a long story short, he kicked it through a 17th century stained glass window at a cathedral. The town AND the church are suing my father and he says we’ll have to sell our house to pay for the replacement window. My father is really angry and made my brother go live with our aunt for a while because he is afraid he’ll kill him if he’s around him. He blames me for letting it happen because I’m the oldest. My mother has gone into a depression and hardly speaks to anyone anymore. It’s like a morgue around here. Do you have any ideas how to improve the situation?

Unfortunately, I don’t. You’re involved in a dynamic experience that has yet to play itself out, so everything looks indiscernible. So what can you do? Keep on living through the experience and be there as it unfolds. Take what you can from that, and move on. It’s what every one of us does with our lives.


I love getting my nipples pinched, it drives me wild. But my wife refuses to do it. She says it’s “icky” to do to a man. Doing it myself isn’t the same thrill. How can I get her to play along?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.


Since you don't know the answers to the last couple of questions, perhaps you should call this page The Q and I Don't Know.

Har har you.


Pleasure or pain?

Oh, most definitely pleasure.


Why do they call pork the other white meat? How do they know that iguana isn’t white meat? Or polar bear? Or giraffe? They say the other white meat like it’s the only one. How do they know? Isn’t that false advertising?

Okaaaay, we need to use a little thing called a frame of reference here. Um, don’t you think they mean the other white meat among the retail meats in your grocer’s display case and not among all the other animals on the face of the planet? I do.


I’m in love! It is the most fantastic thing I have ever felt. Is there anything better than this?

Nah. It sure is a great thing to experience, eh? Congratulations. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.


We stayed in a 5 star hotel last week and now I’m spoiled. How can I go back to those crappy, stinky, crummy, cheap hotel rooms I always end up in?

And why is it that you too can’t be staying in the luxury you have so come to love since this past weekend? Money? Ahhhhh, yes. Well, you have a choice. Go back to what you don’t want (cheap accommodations), or create that which you do want, (luxury accommodations). If money’s the difference between the two, create money. How? Start with FOUND MONEY, go from there. You CAN change your life. If that’s what you really want to do.


When did the Q&As turn into an advice column?

It happened when I wasn’t looking. One of those freak things. I think I was in the bathroom.


A professional photographer ripped us off and then held our wedding pictures hostage until we paid more money. It was exactly what happened with the moving company who brought our stuff out from Dallas. They wouldn’t give us our clothes and furniture until we paid another $2,000. What the hell is happening to America? Everybody rips everybody else off like it’s common business practice.

Sounds like business as usual in Bush’s America. The big companies do it (rip off their clients, customers and shareholders), why not the little companies?


Is there a way to ensure one’s entry into the afterlife? Specifically heaven versus hell?

Sure, all you have to do is die. Nothing more need be done. Heaven? Hell? Those are terms and ideas, myths and suppositions created by humans in this life for human purposes. But you’re talking about afterlife. After, life. Therefore those terms and ideas (of this life) don’t apply, nor do they have any relevance or meaning. Remember, it’s after life. It’s a whole new ballgame.


I bought me a ’69 Charger with a Hurst shifter and a Hemi. This car is fast! I love to drive it. Only the dang thing’s painted yellow. I can’t afford to repaint it. My friends are calling it the Chicken Mobile. How can I not make it yellow without costing me any money?

You could put some number decals on the doors and a bunch of sponsor decals and stencils around the body, trunk and hood and everyone will think it’s a retired race car made street legal.
Or you could mud bog it and then leave it covered in dried mud.
Or you could put a TAXI light up on your roof and people will think Yellow Cab has gotten hip.
Or you could not get all caught up in what color the car is or what your friends say about that, and could instead be happy with your purchase. It still has a Hemi and a Hurst, it’s still fast, and it’s still a classic. One day, if need be, it’ll be a different color.


My marriage is in trouble. My husband is a sexual animal. He wants it every day. I don’t want it that much. I’m sore all the time. I’d be happy with once every couple of weeks. What should I do?

Boy, this is a compatibility issue that I’d be hard pressed to remedy in a couple of lines. If you two have discussed this sexual drive incompatibility, and reached no conclusions, then I'd suggest a third party counselor or therapist. See someone, talk about it, work something out, save your marriage.


I am as happy as I've ever been. My life is going really good and I'm comfortable being who I am. Living from a place like this is pure joy. I know exactly what you're talking about. Life IS grand.

Ain't it though? Bravo to you and your wonderful life. Thanks for sharing.


I want five children, my husband wants two, we currently have one. My sister has eleven kids, my six brothers have a total of seven children between them. I come from a big family and I love a big family. My husband says big families are a financial and emotional burden and he is getting a vasectomy after we have our second child. How am I going to get the remaining three more babies I want?

You mean and still be married to your husband? I can’t say. Only your husband could say how that’s going to happen. You know?


I want to do my own web page. I really like the way your site looks. Do you teach web design?

I’m glad you like it, but no, I wouldn’t know the first thing about teaching web design. Me, I just did it. I learned the nuts and bolts on the fly and used my aesthetic sense to create what you see here. The beauty is, anyone can do this. Me, you…


Nicky got Julianne pregnant and then wanted to marry her but Julianne said she was getting an abortion instead. So Nicky killed himself before Julianne aborted so that he could be in Heaven to greet his new, unborn child when it crossed over. Isn’t that so sweet?

You kidding me? Sweet? To kill yourself? That’s hardcore.


Does everyone get smelly and cranky with old age like my grandpa?

Nah.


I put the moves on this chick 25 years younger than me that I picked up in the mall and we went to a motel. It did me a world of good for my self confidence. Only problem is I got herpes from her and gave it to my wife. Now my wife wants a divorce because of the stupid herpes. Should I contest it?

You’re not getting divorced for passing herpes, you’re getting divorced for having sex with people other than your wife. It’s called adultery. And you should learn what it means because that’s the term the divorce lawyers will use.


I’ve been saving all my money. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, I’m not saving it for anything in particular, but I’m gathering up every little penny just the same. What do you think I should spend it on?

I hear that presents to Internet publishers, well, such as myself, are always a good way to drop a dime. It’s been said the more you spend the better you’ll feel. Haw! Ok, I’m sure that when the time comes for you to spend your money, the thing you spend it on will be the reason you saved for it in the first place, even if you didn’t know at the time what that was or even why you were saving. Did that make sense?


Bought me some sensible shoes. They are plain and brown with little leather loops at the heels to pull them on with. These shoes may be the smartest purchase I ever made, even though they don’t go with a damn thing I own. What do you think about sensible shoes?

I dunno. Never had a pair. I always wear work books. I guess they’re ok. Sensible shoes I mean. What a penetrating question!


I just read KeithSpeak where you say you won’t be updating the web site much during the Olympics. Does that go for the Q&As too?

It does. If you send in your questions, they will all be answered, and some of them printed here in the Q&As, but it won’t happen fast. Normally we’d respond by the next day. During the Olympics, that might be by next week.


I’ve been to Athens and got molested there by a drunk fisherman. You can’t convince me Greece is lovely. No sir.

Ok. Then I won’t even try.


Life is so difficult. It’s a real travail and it’s breaking me down. My therapist says I exaggerate, but really, the world is a horrible place and I’m stuck here in it. How do you make peace with that?

You don’t. You make peace with something else. Something you can support. Something more alive. For instance, for me, the world is a beautiful experience of everything imaginable. Really. Can you see the difference between your outlook and mine? Can you see the kind of experiences we’ll both have with our separate beliefs? We see what we want to see. So, see what you want to see. If you want to see a perfect world, it can be. If you want to see a flawed world, it can be.
 

I am intrigued by your ideas. I like the notion that spirituality comes from within and radiates out. As opposed to the Church sponsored plan telling you that their way is the only spiritual way. In other words, from the outside in. You’ve freed me up with this notion. Thank you.

No, thank you. We are all individuals, but we are also a collective. Anyone that aids their individual self also aids the collective. So on behalf of my fellow humans, thank you for thinking so positively about your life.


We redecorated ourselves and it’s a fancy pants nightmare. We had a little party to show off our newly redone house and every person there said they didn’t like it much. My husband and I thought it was nice before everyone said it wasn’t. Now we’re confused. And to be honest, we can’t afford to redo it again. Or hire a professional to make what we have better. Help.

Does the place reflect you and your husband? Regardless of its style, does it represent who you guys are? Because if it does that, then your house becomes an extension of you two as individuals and as a couple, and your friends will feel right at home. However, if you are trying to create and live in a situation that is not you, dictated by say fashion, or a corrupt sense of style, or whatever, then there will be disharmony. See what I mean? The place should be you. It should be your husband. If it isn’t, make it so. Then your friends will feel at home. You guys too.


I was hiking in Nepal and I reached an epiphany. I came back from that trip a changed woman. My life has been much more richer ever since. But I wonder if you can intentionally create epiphanies?

You already did. It happened, right? Well, what seems to come out of nowhere, comes from somewhere. Remember, this only happened inside your mind. So accept that you did it. Accept that you are more than you consciously know.


Can you really know yourself? Aren’t there lots of hidden things about ourselves? You know, like how our body works without our conscious input?

You are every cell of your being. You are your heart, your pumping blood, your veins, your lungs. Your body and your spirit are not separate, we just say that’s so. Everything is one. You CAN really know yourself. And you are the only one who can.


I am from Greece and just tonight I went to my first American style baseball game. It is so slow! And we are languid people in the Mediterranean! What I don’t understand is America is such a hyper nation, how can such a boring game be their national sport?

That is an excellent question. Best leave that to the experts, eh? I'm referring you to
Major League Baseball’s website. No doubt they can provide you with the "official" answer.


You blasphemer!!! Deliver yourself from evil, you sinner! Your untruths are polluting the Internet! Get God before God gets you!

Well scuttle my butt. Always love to hear from our readers. Thank youuuuu.


I read your novel about dogs and I have to say that I don’t know what to say. I’m serious, that book is… It’s got everything in it. I’m speechless.

Thank you, I think.


Is there a way to make sure that my mother-in-law dies by the hand of God and not some horrible accident because she made me so damned mad I whacked her with a hammer?

Hmmm. Well, first off let me say, don’t kill your mother-in-law with a hammer. I’d like to repeat, don’t kill your mother-in-law with a hammer. Ok, here's some suggestions in lieu of killing her with a hammer: move, wear ear plugs, ignore the mother-in-law, avoid the mother-in-law, pretend the mother-in-law’s not there. Here’s what you don’t do: kill her with a hammer.


As the U.S. election gets nearer, are we closer to doom than ever?

Well, considering that Bush is a moron and Cheney is an evil dick, with four more years of them, I’d say yes, we are all closer to doom. However, if those despicable losers get booted, than no, we're not, because the entire world will be a better place to live.


I hate to say this but I have become addicted to your site. I stop in several times a day and pick and choose things to read. You have so much stuff on here. Anyway, I wanted to ask if you have a Fan Club? If you do, I’d like to join. If you don’t, I’d like to start one. Naturally, I’d be president. How about it? Which is it?

You know I had a fan club once...tragic, that whole Kool Aid thing... But please don’t let that stop you from enjoying your visits to the site. And thanks for writing in with your generous offer of support.


I am most excited by sex with strangers. If it’s in public, all the better. Can you guess if I’m a male or female?

So it’s one or the other, eh? Gonna make me pick, are ya? Well I never. Ok, I did once. But no more! Now move on before I hafta call the coppers.


Well for your information Mr. Funnyman, I’m a gay male and what you’d call a bit of a slut. But I LOVE it. My telling you this is just a bit of advertising for me. What do you think about that, Mr. Funnyman?

What? You’re using me?! Why youuuu. Ok, that’s it. You just wait and see.


I rolled the dice with our mortgage money and I lost it. $53,000 at the craps table in Atlantic City. How do I tell my children that I gambled our house away?

You just sit them down and tell them what you did. If you lost a house, they too lost a house. You have to live with it, and so do they. So you best tell them. But more importantly, use this shameful experience as a tool, a motivator to change your life. Because doing something like this once, is bad enough. Repeating it is pathetic.


What do you mean when you say you want everybody to wake up?

I think it would be grand if everybody gave more conscious thought to their own lives. If they would wake up to what they’re doing, what the effects of that are, and how they can change it.


Even when I’m sitting still, I’m going fast. I was one of those Ritalin children. Now I teach paragliding. It’s so calming. However, I’ve crashed a number of times and I almost died hitting a mountain face once. That’s pretty stressful. I’ve also had a number of other close calls and broken a bunch of bones. What can I do to calm my life?

Meditate, read a book, zone out with the tube, smoke dope, go for a walk, listen to calming music, breathe deeply, become an accountant, etc. You are an instructor in a high risk sport. Maybe if you didn’t do that you would be calmer? Just a thought.


I want to adopt Power to the People as my new personal slogan. What do you think?

Uh, sure, I guess, if you’re gonna have a personal slogan and all...Power to the People? Really?


Did you by any chance get a bit carried away when you added The Monthly Shoot section to the site? I ask because I've kept an eye on it and clicked it every now and then, hoping to see new feats of photography presented to the stunned masses. But nothing so far. What gives?

You caught me out. I HAD great plans to do a whole bunch of shoots. But late Summer and into the Fall my work load turned massive (many deadlines to manage) and I have not been able to fulfill any of my intentions. Since I still have plans to get the shooting series up and running, I will leave The Monthly Shoot as a link. But if I don't add to it by the end of the year, I'll think about scrapping it. Best laid plans, eh?


I just rented Fahrenheit 9/11 and I am outraged by the deceptions and lies of this current administration. Any other president doing what this mealy mouthed punk is doing would be run out of office on a rocket sled. Why on the good green earth are the American people putting up with this corrupt liar? Why hasn’t he been impeached?

September 11th, 2001. It justifies all for Bush. So he thinks.


I was sure that my girlfriend was cheating on me so I set up our mini-cam so I could watch the bedroom when I was at work. You know what I found out? She’s cheating all right – with my father! I don’t know what to do. What should I do?

Tell them what you know. See what they say. Have a discussion. Go from there.


How was your trip?

Super swell, thank you.


Now that Bush has been reelected, can I move up there to Canada with you?

Sure, we got lots of room. Just call first so we can make up the guest house, put the staff on alert, get your own private chef lined up, fill the swimming pool for you, start the heated towel warmers in the bathroom, etc.


I got my wife a half dozen pairs of super sexy, barely there panties and she has been wearing them all the time and driving me crazy! We've been having sex almost every day! And guess what? We're both 65! Are you impressed?

My my. All I can say is enjoy, you two crazy kids.  


This is perfect! I get straight A’s for four years, expect to receive the car that was promised me upon graduation, and now find out my gambler father lost the money for the car in some Washington Indian reservation casino. I hate him! I’ve been counting on that car for four years! Why aren’t I getting my car?!

It sounds like you got a lot out of your education, gaining top marks all the way through. You must have learned a lot about yourself to manage that. So regardless of whether there is a prize at the bottom of the box, or the carrot you have been chasing turns out to be an illusion, it drove you to do what you have done. Put full value upon that which you have accomplished and created, that which you now own, and don’t squander the investment in something you don’t have and aren’t going to get. Because of that promise, you are now this person. Be proud of the fact that you did what you said you’d do, and have compassion for those who didn’t. Because they too are learning a lot about themselves.


I think Bono of U2 is an ass. He goes around proclaiming this and that and all the time he’s a drugged out rock star past his prime. Do you have an address for him so I can write and tell him this stuff?

No need to. It just so happens I had dinner with Bono and the Edge last night. I passed along your e-mail, but Bono was unable to respond due to being all drugged out and past his prime. The Edge however did tell me to tell you to go fly a kite. Happy?

 
I am just a simple girl who wishes to have sex with hairy men. I’ve noticed you have a beard…

That is so sweet!


Now Bush wants to mess with my Social Security. Is nothing sacred with this guy?

Apparently corruption, lying, stupidity, and being a toady for big business. These must be sacred because he’s doing everything he can to perpetuate them.


I got my brother’s wife pregnant and she’s due in 3 weeks. He don't know. He’s been gone for 14 months fighting them Iraq terrorists. I’m pretty worried he’s going to come back and kill me. He could claim it was the war trauma thing and probably get away with it. What should I do?

Enlist? Own up to what's happened. Talk with him about it. Hope you don't die young.


Can you help me with my homework?

No.


I’ve about had it. I am going to outsource myself to some other place and downsize my life and be happy damn it.

Now there’s a plan. Best wishes with that.


Is there a way to hurry up growing into yourself?

There is. Get to know yourself. Ask yourself important questions. What matters to you? And why is that? And what do you want? And do you believe you can reach that? Questions like, What are you doing? Why do you do what you do? Who are you to yourself? I don’t mean metaphysical or rhetorical questions either. I mean taking responsibility for your past actions, the motivations for them, their interest to you. Then, after you’ve had lots of dialogue with yourself about yourself, go about changing that which you don’t want. Because by then you’ll see that you clearly created your past and present, so the only leap left is to realize that you create your future too. And like the self-examination, only you can do it, create who you are to become, because only you know what it is that you want, and only you can deliver it. Then you just do it.


I am dating the twins, Rhonda and Rhoda. Am I lucky or what?

There is no such thing as luck, but perhaps dating twins defies this fact?


I am an intelligent man. Reasonably good looking. Successful. I have supported my wife and three kids very well for the last 16 years. But I’m growing restless. You can call it a mid-life crisis, I don’t care. All I know is that I’m restless. What’s your take on this kind of thing?

It’s called change. Everyone does it. Being restless is a part of change. If you are just wanting to run away from current responsibilities, or see the fleeing part as greater value than the arriving (at something new) part, then you may do something rash, unforgivable, mean or destructive. Getting away is getting away after all; no art required. If however, you are looking for new challenges, seeking ways to grow into yourself more, or just wanting to carve out a new niche that’s promising and exciting, alluring and such, than you are moving toward something, something you can shape and completely realize. Something that affords you the dream of making it real. Both ways are change. My advice? Find out specifically what you’re restless about. This can be an event, a situation, a life direction, a circumstance, a choice, etc. Identifying that will allow you to alter it. How? By thinking about what you DO want, and imagining what that can be. Doing that, you’ll commit to the change and the transition process from old to new will happen. Sooner or later, presto, a better more fully realized potential you. Heck, that’s worth doing, eh?


Congratulations on being featured as a USA TODAY Hot Site. I always knew you were cool. Now it’s official.

That was fun, eh?


Dwayne is about to ask me to marry him. And he’s stupid enough to pick a big public place to be all showy about proposing on one knee and getting a round of applause for his fake chivalry. Only trouble is I’m going to turn him down. I can’t marry Dwayne, but I don’t want him to look like a fool in public. What should I do to avoid this from happening?

Tell Dwayne right away, right now, as soon as we’re done here, BEFORE he asks you to marry him, that you can’t marry him. Tell him this. Do this right away. Have it out, say what needs to be said. Go.


I eats nuts in bed. They make me feel sexy. I love cracking them with my little teeth. They give me tiger energy too. Grrrr. All the time I’m eating my nuts I’m wearing a thong. My wife says it’s a fetish. What do you think this is?

Too much information.


How much did you pay those USA TODAY guys to publicize your website?

A badger, couple of wolverines, some soap. Wha…I thought it was a pretty good deal.


I got a lava lamp for my birthday! It is sooooo cool! I love getting stoned and watching the bubbles!

Tee hee. You go girl.


Has all the national attention you’ve received lately gone to your head?

Have I forgotten the little people? Is that what you’re asking? Sadly, the little people were the first to go. It’s cruel but true. It's like sleeping with your socks on and then wearing the same pair into the office and thinking somewhat arrogantly that no one will notice they smell. But they do. And everyone notices. But you. Cruel but true. Did that answer your question? Did I help?


Why aren’t you published by a mainstream publishing house? Have you had offers?

I publish myself by choice. That leaves out others publishing me. It leaves no room for offers or encouragements or enticements of any kind. I want to publish me. On the other hand, the offer has just never been sweet enough to sell out. Because like I’ve said before, when it takes me the fingers of both hands to count it all, count me in. You know?


I notice I’ve been deleted from the company directory. Do you think this is a sign I’m about to be fired?

Wellllll, I suppose it could mean that. It could also mean about 45 other things too. You could be jumping to conclusions or you could be prescient. Either way, it has afforded you the opportunity to think about your place in this company’s architecture. And what conclusions did you draw?


Mary Alice is the most horrible sister ever. She thinks she’s the boss of me just because she’s a nun and is all Miss Above It now that she is sleeping with god, puh-lezzzzzze. My life is a living hell because Mary Alice Crumholtz is gettin’ some from god? Does that make any sense to you? It sure as hell doesn’t to me. I want to off her. What’s the best way to kill a nun?

Letter of the Month stuff, that! Unfortunately, our lawyer Arnold forbids us to say much more, you know, about how to kill a nun and all, because well, we don’t want to be seen as encouraging felonious behaviors, you know, now do we? But thanks for writing in!


I am to perform at Carnegie Hall! But the one in Pittsburgh, not New York. I play flamenco guitar with a gay troupe of musical caballeros. Wish me luck!

Ok. Play your little fingers off! Have a great night in the spotlight, eh?
 

I meet the woman of my dreams and talk about frustrating! I just had a date with a beautiful woman - who spoke with a lisp! It was so disconcerting! Just standing there, she put Christy Brinkley to shame. If she said anything at all, you were left gaping. How could God do this to someone?

Yes, well, we all have our challenges in life. Perhaps yours is to accept someone like this, and hers is to love someone who can do just that.


I saw an angel in a vision I had at my cousin’s house. Twenty minutes after my angel sighting, my cousin saw a UFO hovering over the garage. Would angels use spaceships to come to Earth?

No.


Perhaps you were being too categorical when you said nyet to the angel person. How do you know for sure that angels don’t use UFOs?

It’s just hard to imagine an angel at the helm, Captain Kirk style. I just tend to think that if they’re angels, they must have a better way to travel. You know?


Help, I'm blocked. Hurry.

I'm on my way. If I only knew where you were, who you were, what is blocked, and how I can help. But don't worry, I'm on my way.


I’m a dancer, baby. You a dancer?

I’m not a dancer. Have never danced. Never intend to dance. But thank you for asking.


Have you ever been asked to change something you wrote in KeithSpeak because you offended someone?

Are you offended? Have I offended you? Please provide details.


I hate your Bush bashing. I think he is a brilliant man running the country flawlessly. I wish he could be President for ten more years. I want you to change your stance on this near genius.

My my my. Well, I can tell you I won’t be changing that. I’m eager to call this moron out. He is a stupid man doing heinous things and no one should be quiet about it if that’s the way they feel. You know?


My boyfriend is sexually adventurous. I have learned a lot. But I’m wondering if there is a limit to how many ways you can do it? Eventually, don’t you run out of ideas?

To my knowledge, nobody’s just stopped having sex because they couldn’t find any more new positions. Just do it. Have fun. That’s all.


Uncle Leo has been feeling me up at family get togethers. I know all about sexual abuse and reporting it to your parents and the authorities to make it stop. But what if you don't really want it to stop? Uncle Leo is a doll.

You don't say how old you are. So there are two answers to this: One, if you're under the age of 18, you should get this behavior to stop immediately by informing those necessary that it is happening - regardless of whether you like it or not; or two, if you are over the age of consent, do what you want, but try and think about the big picture as well. There are always consequences to decisions made. Be aware of them.


Did you go to University? Did you live in a dorm? Did you have to shower with other men? I’m set to go to University, but I’m afraid to shower with other men. I need a plan to get out of this.

Son, it’s not prison. You should have no fear of showering with other college students. Perhaps you meant embarrassed instead of afraid? If you’re embarrassed, then you’re talking about body image, self-esteem and the like. These issues can be addressed through self-study, therapy, or counseling. I suggest you explore your fear/embarrassment and develop a way to live with it, not a strategy to avoid it. You will be much better served.


I have two weeks holiday coming. Where should I take them?

Someplace nice, maybe warm, that serves drinks with umbrellas in them. Someplace that will let you forget that you work for a living. Someplace relaxing. Someplace that will put some magic back into your life. Anyplace that will recharge you for the next stint at work.


I just got my wife pregnant with our 14th child. (Of course we are Catholic.) She is getting mad at me, but short of us stopping having sex, how can we not have any more kids?

Think for yourself, man. If you continue to live by some impractical and fairly useless philosophy from people that have no consideration for your individual life but instead demand that you follow some ancient and arbitrary edict concerning procreation, then you will continue to have more and more children (or have to abstain from sex). If you want to stop having babies, stop doing what others are telling you to do and think (and act) for yourself, according to your own personal situation.


I had sex with Brad Pitt!

Shut up! You did not.


I did! While he was still married to Jennifer Aniston. We got it on in my brother’s truck outside a bar in Austin, Texas. He was filming some movie. I felt kind of bad for betraying Jennifer because I love her in Friends. Anyway, he was hot. I’d do him again in a second.

Yesssss, such a heartwarming story. Thank you for so sharing that.


My wife is killing me with kindness. She thinks that the more she rubs my feet or massages my back or cooks meal after meal the more I will love her. This isn’t true. I have several mistresses and I love each of them in my own way, but they’re not nagging me with special gifts and emotional demands. How can I get my wife to back off?

You kidding me? You want your wife to be less nice to you and more like your mistresses? I don’t even know where to begin. So I won’t.


My whole family went to Disney World for vacation and we had a great time. Now the kids want to go there every year but we certainly can’t afford that. How do I tell them no?

The same way you just told me. You tell them you can’t afford it. If they don’t understand about money, you teach them about money. Then you pick out some other vacation destination you can afford and you build that up until they can’t wait to go there.


I really like your advice. I think you’re a very balanced guy. What’s it like not to have something majorly out of whack in your life?

I like my life, that’s all I can say. It’s all subjective, eh? But it’s not random or capricious. Like I say over and over on this site, I take full responsibility for me being me. I made my life what it is. We all make our own lives. So, make of it what you will.


Hasha has fake boobs that feel like rubber, but they’re huge. Her sister, Mondria, has real breasts but they are little. I could have either sister because my father is owed a lamb by their father. Should I go for the big fake ones or the little real ones?

You get a sister for a lamb? Yowza. What more can I say?


Got my stepson a razzou blue mountain bike for his birthday. He was really unhappy because he wanted a red one. But the store was out of red ones. So my brother-in-law steps in and says he can repaint the blue bike red. He takes it home, only it gets stolen out of his garage before he can paint it. So I told him he owes me $550 for a new bike. He says he’s not paying, that he was doing me a favor. I told him he owes me $550 bucks and nobody stiffs me. We got into a fight and I broke 3 of his ribs and his nose. Next day he got fired from his job because he couldn’t work with broken ribs and now he has no hospital insurance and he hates me with no mercy. Worse, my stepson has sided with his uncle because I couldn’t afford to buy him another bike, so he got nothing for his birthday, so he hates me too. I ever find the punk that stole that blue bike and I will kill him for ruining my family. You got anything to add to this mess?

Uh-uh. You sure don’t need me in there.


Please tell me the secret to making scads of money.

You are the secret, my friend. It’s all up to you. It doesn’t come from outside of you, it doesn’t come from god, it comes from you. It comes from you desiring to do it. It comes from you believing you can. It comes from you. What’s the secret? Most of you don’t know it comes from you.

 

 

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