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Q&A 3


Are your dogs Jack and Anna from the same litter?

No, they are not related in any way, other than the fact that they are both dogs. And they both like to eat. And go for walks. And bark at stuff and wrestle with each other.

Is it fair to expect life to be fair?

If you presuppose that life happens to you, then no, life probably does not seem fair at all. If you ascribe to the opposite, that you actively and consciously create your own life, then by gar I'll bet it seems fair as hell. It's the latter for me. Which is it for you?

Ever since my boyfriend broke up with me, I call his house like 50 times a day. But he won't speak to me and when he does he refuses to consider getting back together. My calling him is the only way I can stay in touch. I'm afraid if I stop it will really be over. Help, how do I get him back?

Stop harassing this man. You are bordering on unacceptable behavior and it is a slippery slope from there to a restraining order to the Fatal Attraction ice pick. You get my drift? By ceasing this unacceptable behavior, you will gain enough self-respect to move on with your life.

I'm a cat person. My significant other is a dog person. Our animals hate each other and sometimes I'm not so crazy about my partner either. I thought it was that opposites attract and live happily ever after?

Opposites do attract, it's the happily-ever-after part that you're confused on, see. And there's the rub! I don't ever remember that part being part of that phrase! Wow. I think you made that part up. Which is ok. But if it's creating unreal expectations, make something else up.

Are you sure you're not the psychologist and you're wife isn't the writer?

That's deep, man. The whole role reversal thing. Yet somehow troubling...

If you could interview anybody, who would it be?

Barbara Walters - and I'd make her cry!

I'm thinking about going to truck driving school. Do you have any advice for or against this idea?

If you're interested in freight hauling, where you drive a tractor-trailer around a city all day and then are home at night, it's not a bad job. However, if you're interested in driving over the road, where you may be gone for 3-6 weeks at a stretch before you get back home, then I would strongly suggest you either form a driving team with your spouse, or you not be married. Being gone from your wife and family for extended trips is only good if you don't want to live with your wife and family, and/or visa versa.

What are you wearing for Halloween this year?

I've decided to go as a website designer! All I need to do is wear my regular clothes and stay up for like 36 hours before Halloween night (to get that over caffeinated, red eye, no sleep combination that web designers so covet!).

Tell us something about your wife.

Susan is beautiful, intelligent and fair. She grew up in a small town, inheriting those small town, family value traits so prized by politicians and advertising directors. She is athletic, well educated, even tempered and strong. She knows me better than anybody else, and she genuinely cares about people and animals. We are going through our life together and I, for one, couldn't be happier.

My husband wants to get a monkey. I told him he is one and what would I do with two? He didn't get it. What do you think?

It's good. Clever. But about the monkey, uh, bad move. Having exotic pets is a very very bad idea. It's bad for the humans, it's very bad for the animals, it's like horrifying to the neighbors. It's a lose-lose thing all the way around. Don't do it. Don't let him do it.

What are you going to do next?

Walk the dogs.

The school authorities say my daughter is a genius. They want to accelerate her studies. They say she could get to college by age 13. I just want a normal kid. What should I do?

Let your own intuition guide you in what you feel is the best course for her (not you! This is for her. Forget your "I want a normal kid" stuff because YOU DO NOT have a normal kid. Ok?). Just do what feels right to do for her, regardless of the outside pressures.
What are you going to do if George Bush wins?

I'm not going to do anything, I don't live there. What are you going to do?

I think one of my profs is coming on to me. Should I sleep with him to get the 'A'?

I don't know, should you? What if he wasn't your professor? What if he was somebody else you wanted to sleep with, say, the bus driver on your route home. Would you ask me if you should sleep with him? Hey - a s k y o u r s e l f - don't bother with some stranger's opinion. You know, this is the kind of question Ally McBeal would ask. Now is that flattering?

I like classical music. My girlfriend is the soft rock type. You seem to know popular things. What would be a nice song I could play that she would think is a little...I don't know...good but not obvious?

She might like Samba Pa Ti by Santana.

I read your book Write About Dogs. There is so much in it and it was on so many levels! I was wondering how long it took to write that?

It took fifteen years.

I'm a tech wiz. You hiring?

We aren't. Thanks.

My wife has turned into an exhibitionist. Her clothes are very revealing and she loves flashing her body at strangers. I am embarrassed by her behavior. How can I get her to go back to being the traditionalist she was?

Uh, fuggeddaboutit. The reason I say this is because something precipitated her behavior. WHY did she start flashing? The idea to do this had to find a receptive place within her. Was it a reaction to something? A sign of her sexual boredom? A rediscovery of her self esteem? Your wife has changed. You need to know why. You need to know this because it is you who must now adapt. Because she will most likely not revert to the staid sexuality she once exhibited and you so long for her to return to. You dig? YOU are having a problem with HER. It is YOU who must overcome your issues around her newfound boldness. Try to understand why she needs to do this.

Which is more important, peace or love?

I'm sorry, but I don't see where they are mutually exclusive. Why not peace AND love?

Well, the Yankees won it. What do you think about them apples?

To be honest, the Subway Series was like interleague play to me. It didn't feel like a World Series, it felt local, something that really only New Yorkers cared much about.

Speaking of baseball...I hear the Toronto Blue Jays are going to hire Buck Martinez as manager. What do you think about that?

It is my belief that Buck Martinez is not a visionary, nor the man to take them to their next World Series. Buck Martinez was a former Blue Jay catcher who had a spectacularly mediocre career as a player, and has been the color man on the Blue Jays telecasts for many years. So for many years I have listened to Buck's ideas and philosophy about both the Blue Jays and baseball in general. And I find, just like his career, that he is average. Going from Jim Fregosi to Buck Martinez would be a step backwards. But you know what? Either way, I am still a fan and I will watch regardless of who is running the show.

Have you ever been dissed in public, in print?

Uh-oh, I feel an exposé coming on. Sure man, I've been the subject of unfavorable comment in public, in print, in real life. It's shocking, I know, but not everyone loves Raymond.

I know you write KeithSpeak every day, but have you ever thought about writing for other sites? Perhaps doing a regular column or feature somewhere else?

Why, a job. Sure, I'd consider one of those. Let the bidding begin! All offers will be considered. Operators are standing by.

My cousin Janet is this crazy chick. My mother said she could come live with us because her father, my uncle, has kicked her out of the house because she is a lesbian. My mom said she would have to move into my room because I'm the girl! How stupid is that? She's a lesbian! Why not have her move in with my brother? They're not going to do anything. Plus, Janet is way into goth. My friends will definitely not understand. What should I do?

If you aren't a lesbian, thereby meeting your uncle's requirement for living in his house, why don't you move in with him and the two of you trade places?
I'm an investment broker and I have made tons of money - more than enough to retire. But I'm only 33. What would I do if I retired? Any suggestions?

If you make yourself a lifelong learner, constantly acquiring knowledge and experience, then it doesn't matter what your job is or isn't.

My wife works at home, telecommuting for her job. But she says that more and more she is surfing the Internet for porn and masturbating all day. I'm not sure how I should react to this confession. Should I be worried about this behaviour?

Assuming that your sex life together is still good, and she is able to manage her job for her employer, then what, no harm no foul?

My credit card purchases are out of control. My job doesn't come close to paying for my lifestyle and I can't seem to stop from charging things. All I want to do is buy! I am at the limit on all my cards and I keep trying to get new ones. To be honest, I will never be able to repay anybody - but that makes me want to do it more! Can I go to jail for this?

Duh. See, I'll bet that no matter how emotionally ravaged (you poor thing!) you feel by having your out of control shopping tendencies bring your creditors to your door, you'll feel even that much worse emotionally and PHYSICALLY, when you wake up behind bars with your brand new roommate, Tiny (that's Yes Sir, Tiny to you), and he says he's feeling randy today. Know what I mean? Hey asshole, settle up or be one. Your call.

If you could impart a single piece of advice to everyone, what would that be?

Think about your life. Then act accordingly.

I think you were mean to the credit card guy. There are two sides to every story, you know.

This guy is indulging in a downward spiral of habitual compulsion that is going to ruin him if he doesn't get a grip on it. I suppose one could be nice and pat him on the back for doing such a good job of deferring the responsibility for his life, or, one could supply a little reality in the form of tough love because that is where this feckless guy is headed if he keeps ripping off others by spending money he doesn't have, or ever intends to have - that is a crime. If he keeps going, he will have a chance to ruin his life far beyond bankruptcy. And I'm sure his Judge will be just horrified to hear of his terrible shopping addiction, and I bet he'll be just about as impressed with it as Tiny will be.
And yet, on the other hand, it's this guy's life and he is free to live it however he does, regardless of my take on it (even though he did ask). So I do wish him the best in pulling it together.

I'm interested in starting my own press. Do you have any advice? Where can I get the books printed, and where did you find your distributors?

The generalities and details of how I accomplished my venture are way too many and varied for this forum. But I will say something about each part of your question.
On printing: I have had books printed in Canada, the US and the UK. I have found my printers locally and I have found them on the Internet. Some I have worked with closely, some I have never met. As with any relationship, you must find the right person to meet your needs, and you theirs. You have to look to find them.
On distribution: In the real world it is difficult to obtain for a small press, but terribly easy online. So the Internet is essential if you want to sell books.
On advice: As with any profession, it is incumbent upon you to learn the fundamentals of the business. In other words, whether you are a small press or a large House, you still need to know Publishing. If you don't know it - how it works, what it is - and want to enter it, you had better learn it. There are thousands of books that will tell you all about it. Start online, start with the library, but start.

I am from France and I just visit your British Columbia. I am shocked that no one speaks French! I thought Canada is bilingual?

It is, officially. But practically speaking, French speaking takes place only in eastern Canada, specifically, Ottawa and Quebec. Had you visited there, you would have found many francophones.

I am 54 and my wife is 49. Lately she has started calling me "Daddy". Frankly, it's kind of creeped me out. I told her to stop but she just keeps doing. Now she's mixing baby talk with it. Frankly, I'm disgusted.

I gotta go with you on that one, pal.

This is perverted, don't you think?

No, I don't think. She's obviously meeting some need by doing it.

How do I get her to quit?

I don't know that you can, if she doesn't want to.

Well I can't live with this.

Yes you can. Find out why she is choosing to express herself like this. She is filling some (psychological) need. Help her understand why she is doing it and you will both benefit from the discovery. Help her to help you. Don’t just tell her not to do it. That doesn’t work.
Ever since I discovered your site, I keep coming back. I turned on a bunch of my friends to it and they also like it a lot. How come you don't advertise?

I’m doing this because it is something I want to do. Advertising is something I don’t want to do. So I’m not doing that.

My grandfather turns 100 in two weeks, but I am afraid that after making it to that blessed day, he will lose the will to live. He has almost said as much. What can I do?

Goals are powerful things, eh? I suppose you could try and help him to establish new ones, life extending ones, but if he doesn't care to, there is precious little you can do. So take care of yourself; make sure that you say what you need to say to him now, in the next two weeks.

Why isn't life easier?

Look laterally: Make it better. Make it richer. Make it deeper. Make it anything you want. Really, hard or easy, isn't the point.

Are you more of a day or night person?

At present I am a day person. But tomorrow I could haunt the night. I like to keep my options open.

Do you sing or dance?

Haw! Good one.

I'm serious. I know you can't hear me, but right now I'm singing 'I've Got Rhythm'. Are your feet tapping? Do you want to sing along? Have you ever seen Riverdance? Riverdance is excellent!

Whoa. Off the meds are we?

I have made great strides in opening myself up to achieving my full potential. Your book, FOUND MONEY, was one of many that I have read. It certainly helped me start to become a better version of me, than who I was before I read it. I wanted to thank you for your book and ask if you have published any more like it?

Only Write About Dogs, a novel that in literary terms illustrates many of the same practical principles explained in FOUND MONEY.

My boss wants me to "Take it one day at a time" and "Maximize potential to achieve outcome" and "Play fair - but play to win" and 5,000 other such rah rah slogans that pepper his conversations and plaster his walls and are seriously making me nauseous. I like the job, I hate my manager. Any suggestions?

Pardon my saying, but perhaps they work, these slogans. He HAS achieved more than you, yes? Perhaps if you listened to and thought about the slogans themselves, instead of carping about from where they came, then perhaps you might gain some value from them, as he obviously has. Here is my suggestion: try and listen and learn instead of becoming closed minded and nauseous.

What is your favorite wine?

Can't say, I don't drink wine.

What is the best rumor about you that you have heard?

Um, lessee...perhaps it was the local one where I was writing a movie for Meryl Streep and we were romantically linked, so much so that my lovely wife Susan had to quit her job so she could come down to Cal-i-for-ni-a and pry me loose from Meryl's devious movie star clutches! Haw! Yes sir, movie stars, swimmin' pools...and me.

Your company sounds like it has a lot of esprit de corps. I especially like all your sporting events. And I really liked the company picnic where everybody got shot at.

I'm happy our peril has amused you.

My son thinks Batman is soooo cool. I keep telling him that Batman is the weakling of all the superheroes; he doesn't even have any super powers! My son said Batman is the new millennium superhero - all natural. Who's right: wuss or new age god?

Hmmm. Well, I would have to say that Batman - what with all the depressive black clothes, the "boy helper", the schizophrenic double life, his own cave! - that really, this guy has a few, um, problems, you know? Personally, I think Superman is a healthier role model. To the extent that a cartoon can be a role model. Something I have my doubts about. Does that help?

I am crazy for this girl but she doesn't know it. Can I send her telepathic messages to like me?

Yeah, you could do that. Or you could walk up to her and use your voice instead. Introduce yourself. Engage her. Take it from there.

Do you have to try and be spiritual every day or can you just be spiritual every day?

That's kind of like asking if you get better air by breathing a certain way. You already are spiritual, dear. Just be yourself.

I love science fiction. Not just reading it, but I love to go to sci-fi conventions too. My husband thinks it's geeky and refuses to come with me. I pretend I am from another galaxy and so I am not married and cheating on my husband, because quite frankly, I have been more than a little naughty at some of them, well all of them. Should I tell him? There's another convention coming up in San Diego!

Ooh, intergalactic intrigue! Well, lessee...Tell him and you never get to go to one again... Don't tell him and you can book your flight to San Diego now. Hmm, what do you think?

Are your dogs your children?

Our dogs are our dogs. Nothing juvenile about them. However, the neighbor kid will fetch on command. Is that what you mean?

I want to buy Write About Dogs. Do you take American checks?

Yes we do. If that makes us unique, so be it.

How long have you been married? And where did you get married?

Susan and I got married in Jasper, Alberta, outside, with our dog, fourteen years ago.

If I take care of myself first, like you say to do, how do I not look like I'm being selfish?

When you value yourself - your time, your needs - others will see that reflected in you and they will respect you for it, because they will see that it has value for you. They will respect you, when you respect you. Having self-respect, self-worth, self-value - is by definition being selfish, but in a good way, see?

Do you have to give up all material wealth to achieve enlightenment?

No. You just need to acquire a different meaning for wealth. You do this by understanding that everything material is an illusion.

Do you think the Internet should be free and unrestricted?

I do.

How are you connected to the Net?

We are on a cable modem.

What do you think of all the porn sites on the Internet?

It's a good medium for them. It's private, in your own home, always available. And whether you want to be puritanical or not - everybody visits these sites. Why do you think there are so many? You don't see 100,000 accounting sites, do you? Sex is a very cool part of living a life of flesh and bones. You can hate it and rail against it and let the whole world know of your personal unhappiness with it, or you can enjoy it as a natural and wonderful part of living a life here. The Internet is just another medium.

I am a physicist and I know there is no such thing as time. I know this is true! What do you think of that?!

I agree with you. Time is a mental construct. And I have said as much in this very forum.

I am going to a very important party soon. I can't decide between the blue or the red. The blue makes me feel totally in control and desirable in a corporate way, while the red makes me look voluptuous and is fabulous for negotiating anything I want. This is a business function at the very highest levels. Which color?

Red. It's unorthodox. It will make you memorable. It will get you anything you want.

My sister spoils her children. Consequently, they are brats. Should I but in and tell her?

You don't think she knows already? They're her kids, she lives with them, I'm sure she knows she both spoils them and they are terrible because of it. But why do you want to tell her? Do you think she is going to suddenly unspoil them after you air this grievance? Look, as with everything, there are reasons why we do what we do. If you are going to help her discover them, then yes, tell her and help her understand why she has a need to do this. If you are simply going to tell her she has spoiled brats for kids, and not help her with that very fact, then no, I don't think you should say anything.

Ever been to an orgy?

Sure, but it was a company thing. You know, had to go.

What were you thinking about just before you got to this question?

Transcendentalism. Specifically as it related to Emerson in the 19th Century.

How can you say all is well when the world is full of so many horrors?

The world contains everything under the sun, including your world view, and my world view. I guess they're different?

I'd like to order a copy of FOUND MONEY. Also, is there any way you could personally buy me a lottery ticket from British Columbia (I'll pay for it) and send me both the book and ticket together?

No, I am afraid that's not possible. I can send you the book, but not the lottery ticket.

Do you have a Hollywood agent?

Funny you should say that... Agent? No, not at this moment thank you.

I'm going to be blunt. My boyfriend is "small". It's starting to bug me. Everything else with him is great, but the sex is unfulfilling. Can he, um, make it larger, you know, with a machine or something?

Assuming he is past puberty, um, no, he can't make it larger.
I have been married five times. I am currently not married, but I think I have No.6 lined up. She's just a honey and I can't help myself. Am I a glutton for punishment?

You think you have No.6 lined up? Wow. Ok, anything after three and all bets are off. That means that marriages 4 through 9 are all seen as pretty much the same - tragic and flawed and destined to be short lived. It won't be until you reach double digits that eyebrows will once again be raised. So enjoy the next few marriages.

Can you give me any advice about being a writer?

You know the old real estate adage about location, location, location? Substitute "write" for "location". That's my advice.

My son has married a Canadian girl and they are now living with us. I have to say, she is the sweetest, most polite, best natured person. She is the first one I have ever met. Are all Canadians like her?

Yes. That's why everybody likes us. That's why we like ourselves.

What date do I have to order by to get the books in time for Christmas?

We send our books by Canada Post, so probably by about the middle of December if you want them to arrive before the holidays.

What do you think about the Pope?

To be honest, I don't think about him at all. However, on occasion, I have devoted a few brain cells to the oddity known as the Popemobile.

How important really is chocolate?

Chocolate is a food group. And as such, is an integral part of a healthy, balanced diet. However, it is no more important than other food groups such as beer, or of course, pizza. The trick is to balance all these very important groups. For instance, never order chocolate on pizza. That would create an imbalance. On the other hand, beer and pizza are a natural together. See what I mean? Experiment. Learn. Have fun!

If I did what you say to do my wife would have thrown me out long ago. How come your wife tolerates your antics?

My antics? Dear me.

Ever been to St. Louis?

I have. Lovely city. Excellent hockey team. Big arch. Nice river.

I also have an old Massey-Harris tractor! Except mine doesn't run anymore. And it's kind of rusting out in a field with no tires on it. Hey, you wouldn't need any parts would you?

I wouldn't, but thanks for the sincere offer.

To get him off my back, I told my boyfriend I was having a cyber-affair with you.

Yesssss, that would explain those pesky death threat e-mails.

Don't worry, he won't kill you. He's a geek. So, um, what are you wearing right now...?

Honey, I fear your geek boyfriend much more than I could ever be attracted by your obvious enticements. So dear boyfriend, if you are reading this, please don't trash my network with some bot/virus/trojan. The affair is over. All she ever did was talk about you. You're the better man. Bye bye.

My wife wants to get silicon implants. She has always felt self-conscious about her breasts (they are small), even though I have told her that I am fine with whatever size they are. What do you have to say about it?

If she felt self-conscious about them being small, how will she feel when the opposite happens and everyone stares at them because they are well, big?

Our dog got our neighbor's dog pregnant. Now the neighbors want to sue me for having an unneutered dog. Is this legal?

Usually legal questions are best asked of lawyers, not publishers, but I'll do my best to answer just this one. Is it legal? I can't say.

My husband and I want to renovate our loft, but we have completely different tastes and it's starting to cause a lot of fights. Any suggestions?

You might need a third party to mediate between your different ideas. This could be an architect, a designer, a decorator, a carpenter, a contractor or just someone with the relevant knowledge to help you two find a mutually satisfying result that you both can love.
Is there such a thing as too much spiritual energy? I get shocked whenever I touch anything around the house! Perhaps I have healing powers?

Feel me, see me, touch me, heal me... Well Tommy, the good news is your spiritual energy is just fine. Your Holiday Camp however, is dry. I suggest you install a dehumidifier and put some moisture back into the air. You can still be a great healer, it's just now you won't hurt those you help.

What if you get tired of doing questions every day and just stop answering them?

Hello? Was that lack of an answer your answer?

Very funny. Ok, well how about this: What if you always answer our questions and never not answer them anymore?


Have you put up your Christmas lights yet?

I have. Santa should have no trouble finding the place.

Our family is starting a new tradition. We want Christmas to be about personal development and goal setting. I'm getting educational toys for the children, and I want to buy several copies of FOUND MONEY: How To Consciously Win The Lottery as stocking stuffers for some of the adults. Do you offer a price break at three books?

Ho ho ho, pilgrim. For the Holidays only, we are offering a price break at three books. Write me, we'll talk.

All I want is to meet a funny, smart man. Then it occurred to me, you must have a whole database full of funny, smart people who like your website and keep coming back! So I think you should start up the Keith Ryan Publishing Matchmaking Service for the good of all the single readers of your site. That way, everybody would have at least one thing in common - you. So how about it?

I'm so honored! Me, the binding thread of new couples to be! My wife, however, doesn't like the sound of this one little bit. My wife says there will be no single women sending me the particulars of their intended love lives thank you very much.

What do you figure your property is worth?

Everything, to me.

I wish all the time that I would win the lottery. So how come it hasn't worked for me?

Wishing to win the lottery and proactively setting out to win the lottery are two different things.
My wife wants a divorce, but I think it's just a phase she's going through. Any strategy for waiting it out?

Just a phase? Like acne or something? Um, this is just a guess, but would poor communication have anything to do with your marriage troubles? Look, unless you want to be single again, I would strongly suggest you deal with this now, before there is nothing left to wait it out for.

I hear the Communist Party is still alive in Canada. I heard that they ran for seats in the last election. What the hell's wrong with you people! Communists!

Well sir, it's called tolerance, diversity and freedom. It applies to everyone under the law. Even those pesky Communists.

What makes you feel good?

The human experience, love, chocolate, my fellow animals.

My neighbor is a sexy kitten who won't give me the time of day. How do I get her to notice me?

Sexy kitten? (Might this not have something to do with your being on the outside looking in? You haven't called her that to her face, have you?) Just be normal (for you) dude, and if she is not interested, respect that, move on.

I hate winter! I want to move someplace warm! I can't stand the cold! I HATE winter! I HATE IT!

So really, how do you feel about, saaaay, winter?

People always seem to forget that Christmas is about Christ.

Perhaps that's because their credit card bills tell them it's about shopping.

I have noticed that the covers of your books and this web site are all in gray, black and white. Even your dogs are those colors! Is this intentional?

Yes. The funny part is, the dogs were originally blue and orange! We're quite happy with the change.

I have a thing for blonds, but my girlfriend isn't one. The one time I suggested she might change her hair color, she was hurt and shocked to think I didn't like her the way she was. I denied it, but it's kind of true. I want her, but I want her as a blond. How can I get her to switch?

Buy her a blond wig (don't do it without her there; take her wig shopping and have a day of good fun trying on all the different kinds). If she finds one she can be comfortable with, then have a date night where she doesn't have to be herself (her non-blond normal self). Have fun with this! It's a fantasy, right?

I won two thousand dollars in Las Vegas. My husband wants to spend the money on something stupid, but I have other ideas. Isn't it my money to spend?

Why are you asking me? It's clear you think it's your money. So tell your husband.

My daughter is in a cult in Oregon. My family is heartsick over this. What can we do?

Whatever your heart and conscience tells you to do. Life is full of endless possibilities. Pick one. Act upon it.

I'm an M.D. and I think all new age stuff is crap. What do you think of that?

Not much. There's nothing more ordinary than a medical doctor who think he knows it all. Been there, done that, dude.

My fiancé has her first husband's name tattooed on her right breast. I want her to remove it, or at least tattoo my name on the other breast, but she says no to both. Every time I make love to her, I see this guy's name. The thought of looking at it for the rest of our marriage makes me sick. Any suggestions?

Unfortunately, it's not like a wedding ring that you can take off and hock. If she doesn't want to remove it, or have it altered into an abstract image, then even though it is permanently a part of her, it is you who is going to have to learn how to live with it.

I bought my girlfriend a whole bunch of sexy lingerie for her birthday. She said she liked it all, but she never wears any of it. When I asked her why she doesn't, she says it's too good to wear for every day use. What's up with that?

Maybe she doesn't want to excite you?

Did you get my Christmas gift?

Was the red muffler stitched all over with green marijuana leaves yours? So festive. Thank you ever so much. And Merry Christmas to you.

Name an actor whose movie you would go to see just because that actor is in it.

Albert Brooks.

I can't believe it but my kid is really stupid. My wife and I are what you'd call average intelligent. But this boy is dumb as a post. We had him tested and he's not retarded, but lord is he slow. Is there anything we can do to get him up to speed?

Love him as if he were whomever you wished he was. That way you can love him for who he really is. You adjusting to his speed sounds infinitely easier than him adjusting to yours.

Have you finished your shopping?

As you can tell from my not having been here for the last 5 days, I haven't finished anything. I have 621 things on the go; I answer a couple of questions here, I'll have 620.

Is there any way to make someone do what you want? Can you do that with hypnotism? If I go into a meditative trance, can I make someone do what I want? Is a swami able to make people do stuff?

Let me guess: you want someone to do something. Uh, instead of becoming Kreskin, why don't you just ask them?

My husband has grown fat and lazy while I have stayed shapely and get lots of admiring looks from other men. My husband doesn't even notice how others ogle me. But I like it. I want to be desired. Should I leave the bum?

Is there nothing more to your marriage that the leering of strangers can cause you to abandon it?

I’ve been in prison, a mental ward, and stood in line for eight hours to view Lenin at the Kremlin. Where you been?

Here, the whole time, just hangin'...

Do you think Ricky Martin is gay?

Here's what I think about Ricky Martin: He's beautiful, rhythmic and spiritual. I also know that if he were here right now, he'd want us to move on.
Q&A 4 anyone?




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