Keith Ryan Publishing

My best friend just outed himself. Now it feels weird to be around him. I'm afraid everyone else will think I'm gay too. What should I do?

Regardless of what everyone else thinks, what do you think? Because if you're secure in your sexuality, then it wouldn't matter what others think, right? But if you're not (secure in your own sexuality), then you should take a clue from your best friend who is asserting his (sexuality) by declaring what he knows and recognizes to be true, regardless of what everyone else thinks. Can you see that? You should be the first to congratulate him for more fully realizing himself and doing what he felt had to be done. Then you should deal with your own homophobic-by-association issues. In other words, self-examine.

You see yourself as a real humanitarian, don't you?

Look, everything is connected. We are all made up of the same stuff, the same molecules, the same elements. Caring for myself, or caring for others, is all the same. Because we are all connected.

My life sucks. I was just fired - a week before Christmas! I am lonely and afraid of everything. I have just been sitting in my apartment and worrying. My mother says I'm depressed and I should get some pills. Do I sound depressed to you?

Uh, perhaps Mom has a point there; you need to talk with someone about this. Your family physician can offer some guidance in where to go or who to see.

My husband lies constantly about his screwing around. He has had numerous affairs and I'm sure he is having one right now. I have half a mind to go out and pick up a stud and have my own affair to get even with the jerk! Should I?

First, what does the other half of your mind tell you?

Ever feel sick to your stomach by really badly cooked food from the woman you thought you were going to end up marrying? But now you know you can't marry her because her cooking makes you sick and you don't have the heart to tell her you need to break up over this fact?

No.

I just got this new computer and within fifteen minutes I found your site! I just love it! You're really funny! Isn't that cosmic!?

Yes.

Are you going to be having a Merry Christmas this year?

Why thank you for asking. I believe I am. And here's hoping yours too is swell.

Is there any truth to the rumour that you're moving to England? Specifically London? I heard it from an American chap with whom I correspond.

I was going to yes, but now that Madonna's living there, I'm staying. Basically, I was just moving to get away from her.

I am just about to sue my former partner for palimony. Because he is famous, my lawyer says he will not want a lot of publicity and will settle out of court. But I know that famous people love being the center of attention - especially actors. They're always saying that even bad publicity is good publicity. You're kind of famous, any guess as to how he'll react?

Him? No. You? Yes, I know what it will be like for you: You will not get as much money as you hope for or think you deserve. Your name will be besmirched and your reputation (whatever it is), will be brought into question. You will be put on the defensive about your life and you will have to justify to strangers your motives, feelings, desires and intentions. Afterwards, win or lose, except for your closest friends, no one will want to talk with you, work with you or be around you. You, the snubbed partner, and not your actor boyfriend, will bear the fallout. Perhaps you will end up moving away just to start anew, because if you don't get on with your life, you'll be just another high school football star who 30 years later is still talking into his beer about "the big game". Or the one that got away. Or the famous actor who...

In regards to the palimony question - I take it you're not a big fan of it?

I have nothing for or against it. But to be responsible for one's own life means that each and every day together with that person should and would have brought its own rewards, with none of it leading to some payout at the end of the relationship.

I read a magazine article about your book Write About Dogs, and in it you said that art, science and spiritualism are all one, and that your book was the literal manifestation of that. Did you mean the physical book itself?

I did. It's an artistic work whose subject matter is the melding of science and spiritualism. Your body and your mind are totally unique to you, and together they produce a life that no one else is living. Your life is a work of art literally through your living it. If you're conscious of that, the quality of your life increases. So, um, what kind of picture are you painting (living)?

Well, it's almost 2001. The new millennium has started. How do you feel about it so far?

As far as new millenniums go, it's ok.

We have a friendship crisis. My wife and I met this terrific couple that we like a lot. They're always crazy and we do fun stuff together and everybody just has a great time. But we just found out they're nudists! And they want us to try it! My wife is mortified at the thought and says that she doesn't see how we can be friends with them now that they want to be nude. I am really torn about losing them as friends and being embarrassed to be naked in front of them. It's weird between us now. What should we do about this situation?

First off, I think you should try it. It sounds like a wonderful experience. However, if it's just not going to happen, then tell them of your discomfort with the idea, thank them for their offer, and ask if you can still remain friends, minus the nudism wrinkle. In other words, discuss it with them. Come to a mutual decision.

You sound like a bohemian.

You say bohemian like it's a slur. How quaint.

I am so full of hope about everything. I feel like Ed Grimley. Oh boy. Anyway, I was wondering if you too are always full of hope?

Yes, I am. I feel that everything I don't have is within my reach. And anything I can dream, I can have. I think it's wonderful that you're continually optimistic and hopeful. You keep that up, eh?

Back in December 1998, I was paralyzed. I have had a good, kinda colorful life prior to the accident. I would like to write a book on my experiences that could bring a smile to others, or just make them more happy with their lives. Because it can get worse! Thank you!

It constantly amazes me how every single person living has their own unique story - and that many of them can be inspiring and helpful to those who read them. I can only offer you the greatest encouragement in writing down your story. Obviously, you are in a physical space that though difficult and restricting, can still be empowering through the words you write. If you make it your mission to help those in similar circumstances, or to help those of us who are not physically impaired understand more of what that is like for those who are, then you will have done a great service for yourself and others. As they used to say in the 60s man, More power to you.

How long should one leave the Christmas lights up?

That's a judgment call. I suppose that metaphorically, spiritually, one should leave them up all year long.

I like reading KeithSpeak as much as I like eating ice cream. Which is a lot! What flavor would you consider yourself?

No particular flavor, just tasty. Yes, that would be me.

Hey, your Vancouver Canucks aren't looking too shabby.

And...

I don't get it. Why is my life so hard and yours is so easy?

Why do you think that is?

You're never supposed to answer a question with a question.

Yeah?

Just tell me, ok?

Hey, you're the one living your life. How do I know why you think it's so hard? How do I know why you made the choices you did, took the roads you traveled, felt the way you do about stuff. But um, you do. So ask yourself these very important questions. This is all about you: your perceptions, your goals, your beliefs - your questions. The answers are all there. Look.

Why don't you make The Q and As into a book?

Why? It's already here. (Now, if I change my mind and do it later, won’t I look like a chump! Oh, the pitfalls of expressed opinion.)

How about if you set up a chat room on your site?

What? So you all can talk about me?! To quote from a notorious book: "Not on your life, Marty Martin. Not on your life."

It's New Year's eve!!! I've decided I'm going to be a better person in 2001. That's my resolution. What's yours?

Same as always: To maintain the beautiful balance. Best wishes on keeping alive your hopes for a better you. Hell, best wishes to everybody.

My beloved cat has recently died. All of my friends urge me to get another one right away. Is that the best thing to do?

I think you should grieve the loss of your cat for as long as you need to do that. When it is time to get another cat, you will do so. Your friends are just trying to help, but it is you who has had the loss, and it is you who will know when it is time to move on.

I hate it! My girlfriend is a runway model and she has just started doing lingerie shows. She saunters around in her bra and panties and every guy there is ogling her. It's driving me mad. She won't quit it. What can I do?

She is obviously comfortable with her body and her job. You are not. You had better address this in yourself (What, are you jealous? Scared she'll leave you for one of the audience oglers? Embarrassed for her showing her body? What? What is it that is driving you mad?). Because to be perfectly frank, you could just as easily be proud of her as you are jealous.

How hard is it to make a lot of money?

As hard as you make it. How easy is it? As easy as you make it. Get my drift?

Our son is in the Army and we think you should be more supportive of the armed forces. Without them you could be living under a dictatorship.

I believe the world should be a more open place. Armed forces are a defense against openness. Thus my antipathy. Capish?

I'm fat. My husband's fat. Our children are fat. We eat lots of fast food and we eat lots of candy and drink lots of Coke. But you know what? None of us care! We like eating that stuff! It tastes good! I just wanted to tell you that there are a lot more people in the world like us than there are like you. What do you think about that!?

Wow, and to think you have passed that crappy, loser attitude on to your children. You should be ashamed of abdicating the responsibility for caring about your physical self, but you should be mortified at having instilled an attitude of personal worthlessness onto your children. I hope they can rise above it.

I am from Hong Kong computer store and I see your book on the lottery. You sell that to Asia? What currency please. Thank you.

Yes, we sell our books all over the world. I have sent you an e-mail explaining the particulars of how to purchase FOUND MONEY from Hong Kong.

They say opposites attract: Well I smoke dope but I don't drink alcohol, while my girlfriend drinks like a fish but doesn't smoke. I say my vice is healthier, she says hers is. We have this bet about which of us will live longer. Wanna take a guess as to who it will be?

Not really.

When you go to a site on the Internet and it says they have "College Girls". Does that mean that all the girls on that site are in college? I'm new on the Internet.

No kidding. Yes, of course it means that they are all, each and every one, college girls. Beautiful pornographic college girls.

My boyfriend has no butt. He's fair and slight and I think he'd look perfect in a dress. I want him to try one on. I get excited thinking about him dressing like a girl. Is there an easy way to get him to try this?

Your very own Ken doll. But will he fit into Barbie's clothes?! Honey, he might be all for it, especially if he sees that it turns you on. Throw a cross-dressing dinner party for your closest friends. Men come as women and vice versa. Take it from there.

I'm worried. We are rich. My husband has made a fortune. I love this life, but I want spiritual understanding. Do I have to give up the opulence to achieve nirvana?

Nirvana is available to everybody; financial wealth is available to everybody; they are not mutually exclusive. Your search for one may include the other, or it may have nothing to do with the other.

I was just in Vancouver for the first time. It's a beautiful city! I'm from New Zealand and I was surprised by the number of Chinese people in Vancouver. How come your oriental population is so large?

We’re on the Pacific Rim, so other than proximity, I have no idea. Perhaps you might want to direct your question to the folks at Canadian Immigration.

We are from Africa. We are wondering if your sense of humour is typical of your countrymen? Are all Canadians wacky like your website?

Wacky? My my. I've been called a thing or two in my time...
Yes my friend, we Canadians are a truly wild and crazy people. But we’re nice wild and crazy. You know?

I'm having a barbecue at my spread in Austin. Want to come down?

Me? Little ol’ wacky me? I can't. I have to create mirth for all my friends in Africa. It's a full time job. But thanks anyway, it’s always nice to be asked.

My husband plays golf four times a week. I screw my neighbor four times a week. We are both getting what we want. What do you think about that?

Gotta love those win-win situations, eh?

It's my birthday today. I would love it if you would wish me a happy birthday.

I certainly hope that your being born was a joyful thing for all those who know and love you. Happy birthday, dear.

Pick a number between 1 and 90.

10.

Thank you.

Uh, you're welcome?

Ever going to write another book? If so, when might it be out?

I value your interest. Thanks. I believe that I will write other books. When that will be, I can't say. When they will be published, I can't say.

My brother is hot. All my girlfriends have started sleeping with him. Now my friends discuss him sexually, and I find it uncomfortable and weird. What can I do?

Tell them you don't want to hear about it. If they are really your friends, they will respect that.

I say that snowboarding is the fastest growing winter sport but my brother says it's freestyle aerials. We have a lift ticket riding on this one. Which is it?

Neither. The fastest growing winter sport is snowshoeing. Technical advancements in the equipment have allowed the sport to grow 100% in the past year.

I've tried meditating and it doesn't work for me. Is there another way to gain inner enlightenment?

Drugs? If you can't go quietly within yourself to access that which resides there, then how could you expect to understand it from the outside? It's like standing outside a phone booth and staring at the phone. Intellectually you may know what the device does (connects you with others), but if you don't go into the booth and get intimate with the unit, you can never make any of those connections. You have to do it.

I have this idea that I can turn 100 bucks into a million. I really think I can do it. I have a whole investment plan worked out and it seems totally doable to me. Anyway, I'll let you know what happens, ok?

You bet. Your attitude about this creative and engrossing venture is wonderful, and you believe in yourself enough to try it. That in and of itself should assure you some kind of success. Best wishes on achieving your goals!

I find you wicked funny. Have you always been funny?

The funniest. At age two I had a stand up act (played the small club circuit in Ohio). When I was eleven I was opening for the Rat Pack in Vegas. And of course today I am the funniest man alive bar none.

I'm ready to kill my wife. Do you have a preferred weapon of choice for this sort of thing?

Question: Which do you think is more preferable? Prison for life for murder or a little ol' separation and divorce? Now think about it some...first...before you act. And then, as always, the choice is yours.

My very best girlfriend is single and so am I. We've reached that time in our lives where we want to have babies. We both agree that you would be perfect. Do you think your wife would let you do us these two little favors?

Aw, you guys. How cute. Ok. Sure. Why not. Is Tuesday good for you?

I just found your site! I've spent forever catching up with all the old stuff. Now I'm caught up. Very funny reading! Ok, how frequently do you update?

The site is updated daily with fresh content.

I hate Tiger Woods. I think he is a know it all who makes way too much money. All he does is hit a stupid little ball into a hole in the ground. Whoop de do. That's worth 100 million. And as far as being a role model, right, only if you want to be a stuck up, arrogant, show off. What do you think of him?

I think he is a highly accomplished man who self-examines regularly. I think he thinks about his life a lot. Obviously he thinks well of himself. You can't go wrong doing that. Do you feel as good about yourself? If not, quit whining about the guy who does and start looking closer at the guy who doesn't. Ripping other people who show you your faults is a weak and self-defeating thing to do. If you revel in their success, perhaps you might be more predisposed to reveling in your own as well.

I'm dating a girl and she might possibly be the one except for the one teensy fact that I hate her family. They are racists. She lives at home. Any suggestions?

Move away with her? Stop seeing the family you hate? It's just a suggestion.

I'm an animal rights activist and your book Write About Dogs should be a manifesto for the cause. How come PETA or the anti-vivisection societies are not trumpeting your book?

I can't say. You would have to ask them.

My new boyfriend wants me to become more sexually open. I am sort of reserved because the best night of my life happened at a spontaneous group orgy with my first husband. I got so out of control at that party that it ended up being the cause of my divorce. What if I try it again (love it) and my new boyfriend also leaves me?

Obviously, the emotional aspects of multiple partnering is something that you will have to discuss with your boyfriend. Explain your past experience. Explain your fears. Talk about it before you do it. Then, if all is copacetic, enjoy yourselves.

I can't explain it, but I really dig disco. Do you think it will ever come back?

Say what? No. Never.

If you have everything you want, then how do you not get bored?

I assume you're talking about material objects. Yes, sooner or later, they will not be as compelling as perhaps they once were. That is the limitation of material objects and the nature of the mind. If, however, it's spirituality you're talking about, well, I suggest you keep at it, because you haven't yet discovered that boredom has nothing to do with it.

I'm embarrassed about this, but at least it's anonymous...how many times a day is it ok to masturbate? What happens if you do it too much? Thanks.

Officially, it's ok to masturbate 56 times in one day. Any more than that and you could be at risk for carpal tunnel syndrome. Are you managing to keep it under 56 times a day? Good. Then don't fret it. It's supposed to be enjoyable.

Hey, I don't know who told you the number was 56, but I can assure you (from personal experience) that it is MUCH higher than that. You tell that kid to do it as much as he wants.

You hear that, kid?

My family and I are working on making our lives better. We come back to this site a lot because you are pretty level headed in your advice. But what is the youngest age you recommend someone read this site?

Um, how old are they between when they stop playing with dolls and action figures and are, like, oh, dating? Somewhere in there, I guess. That seem 'bout right?

My name is Marco. Before, I read one of your stories that makes fun of a Marco. I tell myself this is not me you are talking about. I say this is not me because that Marco is weak. But now I am wondering, maybe you are making joke of me. Saying that I am this weak Marco. Is that it? I demand to know!

Sheesh. Have we ever met? No? Then how could it be about you? Yes?

I can't believe I did this, but I got my mother stoned on a joint one day when we were baking cookies at my house. Now, she wants to turn on my father! Should I sit down and get stoned with both my parents?

I don't know. Do you want to get stoned with your parents?

How long do you have to wait until you can approach a widow for a date?

First of all, you have to wait until she stops crying. That could take months, years. Then she has to stop wearing black. Then she has to be willing to even talk about the prospect of seeing someone else. Then I guess it's okay to ask her if that person could be you. Unless of course, she's Anna Nicole Smith - then I'd say catching her on her way out of the funeral parlor is probably a good time.

When you do a book signing, do you have a special pen you use?

Actually, I do. I have a wonderful fountain pen given to me by my wife for that express purpose.

Anna Nicole Smith has the biggest breasts in the world!

Thank you for that oh so cogent insight.

I have to make a choice between love or money. My first inclination is to do the thing for the money, but then I think I would miss my wife. But if I stay for my wife, I'll never get a monetary chance like this again. What do you suggest I do?

Money comes and goes. Do you want the same to be said of your wife(s)?

Thanks for making me feel better about my life. I had a tragedy that shaped everything that happened afterwards. You can't live a normal life if everyone pities you. And that includes myself. But your book has helped me see my life in different terms. I now know that everyone sees me as a victim because I see myself as a victim first. If I stop acting that way, everyone else will too - and that's what I want! Thanks for showing that idea to me!

It sounds like you are doing good work within yourself. My best regards for your continued personal growth.

Hey, thanks for the prompt service!

Hey, you're welcome.

I found your site bookmarked on my daughter's computer. Of course I read it myself to see if you are a pervert. One thing I don't like is all this talk about sex and masturbation (people shouldn't touch themselves), but other than that I think you're harmless enough. My daughter's no brain surgeon, so I have to always check up behind her back to make sure she isn't doing something stupid. What she finds good about your site I can't say. Just be warned, I'll be keeping my eye on you.

Wow, you're a piece of work. Does your daughter know that you spy on her behind her back and think she's stupid? Because she will. Your daughter will be reading this, courtesy of our autoresponder. Whoops!

I'm not happy. I have to do too many things I don't want to do. How do I get to do the things I want to do?

Just do them? What are you waiting for? Your real life to begin?

Can I send purchase orders to you over the phone?

No, you must e-mail us: Contact Us

I think Stone Phillips is unbelievably handsome. I'd cheat on my husband for him in a minute. I only watch Dateline so I can fantasize about me and Stone. I tape the show and freeze frame it on his puss. Gawd he's gorgeous! He is my ultimate fantasy lover. After Dateline, my husband wants to talk about the stories! He doesn't even have a clue. Should I tell him?

Ah yes, once, twice, fee times a lady. Tell him? Whatever for?

Going to watch the Superbowl today?

I am. And you?

Help. I had a brain freeze and scanned in naked photos of my wife to an Internet amateur site. Now several of my co-workers have told me they have seen them. My wife will kill me and then divorce me if she finds out. But I don't trust those guys. Should I tell her before someone else does?

Let's look at the larger psychological envelope of your initiating this event: Were you trying to get out of your marriage? Spice up your sex life? Get back at your wife for something she did? Make yourself look good? Just what? See, brain freeze is a nice excuse, but you had another reason for doing this (while you were doing it). If you admit to what that was, then perhaps you can find out how to mitigate the damages derived from your crude, initial attempt, and still manage to achieve whatever it is you were trying to do (through other means). In other words, the event is still going on. Work your way through this. Think about it first...then act.

Do you consider yourself an artist?

I do.

How important is it to have a great studio space?

It's everything and it's nothing.

What is your work space like?

It's small, with a custom built desk that runs around three sides of the room. It's a good work space. I like it very much.

This is a picture of me and Chuck. We're doing it at Chuck's trailer. My girlfriend took the pic and then joined us! I looked all over your site where to upload pictures but I didn't see the link. Please e-mail me back about where to submit photos.

People, people, people. Is no one listening? For the umpteenth time: We don't do nude. Unless, of course, they’re tastefully done. I’m kidding! (Hey, maybe this is where the confusion originates?). No naughty pics, ok? Ok.

My grandma is close to dying and the fighting over her estate has begun. My mother and father are in one camp, while two other sets of aunts and uncles are in another. Grandma is leaving a sizable inheritance to everyone, but it seems that everyone wants more. Is there any way to avoid what is set to happen?

Probably not. Greed is an especially ugly, egotistical expression of one's insecurity. It sounds like your family is getting set to experience that rawness for itself. Wow, best wishes.

My husband has suddenly decided that he doesn't want to wear underwear anymore! Even with shorts! I'm deathly afraid he will "pop out". I have no idea what brought this on, but I think it's crazy! How do I get him to dress decently again?

Relax. It's not that big a deal. Every day there are vast numbers of people not wearing undergarments. Unless he gives you some reason to truly be upset, why are you so upset? "Potential" flashing is not flashing. Ok?

I'm her husband. Thanks. Believe me, it isn't sexual. You see, I'm doing it precisely because it will drive her crazy. And I can tell you this, I'm kind of starting to like it.

Ok, more things I didn't want to hear or need to know. Is self-censure so hard, people? Come onnnn.

Ever want to rewind your life and not have things you've done happen?

No. I am glad I have done everything I have done. Good, bad, every single experience. All of them, each and every one, comprising the sum total me to this point. And I like me. No, I am not at all interested in rewinding.

I sit on my lawn here in Australia with my laptop in my, er, well, lap, and I am thinking about you in Canada, in all that snow and ice, millions of miles away, in front of your computer, responding to my question, which is - Are you thinking of me right now?

Haw, good question. I am indeed.

I'm learning to do sleight of hand card tricks so I can go out to Vegas and cheat those casino bastards out of their money - money that was never rightfully theirs anyway. It's all rigged. It's the rackets. Since I'm currently in jail for something else, I have lots of time to learn and practice and I'm getting real good. Do you think you could send me your magic book so I learn even more. I don't have any money now, but I'll pay you back after Vegas. Thanks.

Our magic book, okay...
It just dawned on me. You have access to the Internet from prison? Hmm.

I've been engaged for four years and am starting to think she doesn't want to really get married. We live together and it's sort of like we are already married. I think she takes me for granted. Is this what can happen?

I guess. Have you tried talking with her about this very long engagement? What does she say? How do you feel about that? What are your suggestions? What are hers? See, it's called a conversation. Two people can have one. It's really cool. Try it.

I read that the United Nations voted Canada the #1 place to live in the world the last three years in a row. Is it really that good?

Oh yes, it's that good. This place is a jewel.

I love your site! I have turned a bunch of people onto it. Nobody's heard of you! Have you ever thought of running a contest or something to get new readers?

It's funny. Because we run no advertising on the site, our hit numbers really don't translate into revenue. So by default, I have adopted a passive marketing plan, which is basically the definition of laissez faire: whoever manages to find us, welcome. Whether by accident, word of mouth, specific search, etc., welcome.

How do you know so much about so many different things?

I watch Jeopardy! No, really, I'm a renaissance man! Actually, it's because I possess a photographic memory! Just kidding, it turns out that I'm a genius! All right, all right, it's really because...

My wife wants breast implants. I'm half for it and half against it. Do you have an opinion?

Though breast implants (or any cosmetic surgery) is a physical change, its greatest effects are upon the mental. These effects are (if things are done well and correctly and to the patient's liking), mostly positive: improved self-esteem, stronger belief in one's capabilities, going from being embarrassed or ashamed of something to being proud and excited by the changes, etc. These are mental attitudes about oneself that are changed for the better. Goodness, if self-respect is part of this process, then, well, why not?

Listen to you! I'm from Cape Breton and I totally disagree! God gave us these bodies and we shouldn't be altering them to suit some whims. I say, if you have a big nose, live with it; if you have little breasts, learn the lessons from them; if you need liposuction, then stop eating junk food or learn to live as a fat person.

If you have little breasts, learn the lessons from them?
You know, the neat things about bodies are the fact that everyone has one. And everyone can do anything they like to theirs. Hey, it's kinda like opinions, eh?

I love sex! Do you?

Uh sure, sex is swell.

No, I mean I really love it - anybody, anytime, anywhere. See, our society is hung up about sex, like it's dirty. But it's the opposite - it's the clearest and cleanest way to appreciate living in your own body! Orgasms are the greatest, most fun part of having a body! (Well, maybe that and eating chocolate cake.) So everybody should have sex! Often!

People, you heard it here first.

My boyfriend is a body builder and he is always showing it off. He wears these ridiculous tank tops in the middle of winter. People stare at him not for his muscular physique but the fact that he needs to show it off everywhere he goes. I like the way he looks, I just am tired of his need for attention. Any suggestions?

Ah, the horrors of excessive self-love. His need to show it off, heck his need to build it up in the first place - maybe an overcompensation for something? Is he insecure about something? Look, I'm no shrink, but making his body big is the result of what's going on in his head. It's the mental expressing itself though the physical. He needs to know why he is doing what he's doing before he can begin to alter doing what he's doing. What’s his self-talk? See what I mean?

I am fat and ugly. For the life of me I can't imagine that I would ever choose to live this life. Why would anyone want to be fat and ugly?

Why? What does why have to do with it? Coming to grips with what is, is a whole lot better than searching for why something is. Why implies the past; something has already occurred and you are trying to figure out why. Why me? Look to your present. What is, is what's important. Your future is totally malleable. And that comes out of your present. The fact is, you are living this life. And looks are a part of it but they sure don't limit your accomplishments. Take a gander at Steven Hawking: puny, shriveled, quadriplegic, ugly - and still a big time scientist. Abe Lincoln was a charter member of the homely club. Didn't stop him. The thoughts coming out of your head have no face and no weight. Make them aid you instead of tearing you down. Allow yourself to be great. Use your mental power to ameliorate your physical shortcomings. There is so much more to you than your body.

They say that giving is better than receiving. What do you have to give us, your readers?

My sincere appreciation. My best regards. My good intentions and my creative output. I give you my two cents worth and my sense of humor as well. I give you a chance to bet on yourself, to see that you're smarter than you know, and to have an idea mean more than you ever figured it could. Hell, when you think about it, I'm a giving machine.

Are nipple rings unisex?

They are.

There's only one thing I like more than peanut butter, and that's my 1964 Mustang. Of course, eating peanut butter in my Mustang is really my ultimate thrill. What is your ultimate thrill?

Mine would be an end to all animal cruelty, vivisection, abuse and intolerance. To be replaced instead with compassion, love and the understanding that all things are connected.

Are you going to be a part of the looming Writers Guild strike?

Should a union of mine strike, I would be bound to follow suit.

My daughter loves all numbers and is a budding math wiz. This year, she wants to help me do our income taxes so she can learn. But I don't want her seeing how much money we make or what our debts are. How should I handle this?

Tell her exactly what you just told me.

What's your favorite food?

I have a favorite motorcycle, a favorite pair of jeans, a favorite hockey team, but no specific favorite food.

I hate snakes!

You poor thing. Look, hate is ugly. Hating snakes is an expression of your fear for snakes. Why do you fear them?

Isn't there a way to tell if someone is lying to you by their retinas or something?

Don't know about the retina thing, but your intuition can also give rise to the same suspicions.

What's with the peanut butter Mustang nerd? Dude, get a life.

Now people, play nice.

Our son is a millionaire. Only trouble is, he made it from running a porno web site. We are ashamed to tell people what he does for a living - and because he's rich, they always ask. If we tell them he runs his own site, they all ask which one so they can go visit. If we tell them he is in high tech, they ask which company he works for. We don't like lying. What should we do?

I'm sorry here, folks, but there is nothing wrong with sex, or the business of it. The reason it is so shameful to you is because you buy into the belief that it is shameful; and obviously your son doesn't. Societies and governments and media censors and religicos have made sex slimy, undesirable, hidden, prurient and lascivious or other such bullshit perpetuated in the name of ignorance, political correctness, conservatism, God's way or whatever. And you have bought into that. But you wanna know the truth? Sex is good, clean, fun. And everyone does it.

I've been to your site a few times. I'm not all that impressed. You could drop dead for all I care and it wouldn't mean a thing to me.

Lovely. I hope you find someone more to your liking somewhere else. Toodles. Off you go.

I just visited Canada for the first time. I was wondering how you like the Loonie and Two-nie?

For those of you who don't know, Canada no longer has a one and two dollar bill, having been replaced by the Loonie (a one dollar gold coin with a picture of a loon on it) and the Two-nie (a two dollar gold and silver coin, bigger than the Loonie, but worth twice as much). And I like them just fine. Jingle jingle. I think they are better than having the paper bills. Swish swish. But in the end they buy the same things so really, it doesn’t matter.

I can't tell you how many times I have laughed while reading your site. I am definitely a fan. Which brings up my question as to whether you have a fan club or not?

Not.

I was born in June so my parents named me June. I have a sister May and a brother, Jan(uary). My mother is pregnant again. She is due in June. My parents are again thinking of naming the new baby June (it's to be a girl). Is it legal to have two siblings with the same name? I'm really mad at them for thinking of doing this.

You'd have to ask a lawyer about the legalese of the issue, but man, what's up with your parents? Sticking with this arbitrary monthly naming convention is completely uninspired and certainly unfair to you and your soon to be sister. But I don't know what you can do about it if they want to name the baby, June.

Is it snowing there?

This very second, it is.

Our family went on vacation. My one brother got bit by a crab. My Dad stubbed and broke his big toe. My Mom got food poisoning. My other brother got caught urinating in public and was given a ticket and a fine, not to mention having to go to court on vacation. My Dad was driving with his broken toe and missed the brake and crashed part of the car into a tree. My sister chipped three teeth from the smashup. I, however, had a good time and nothing bad happened to me. Now the rest of my family is thinking I'm a jinx. What should I do?

Go out and hurt yourself! Make them all happy! Just kidding. You know what, go with it. Agree with them. Tell them yes, so you are a jinx, so what? Are they going to leave you home next time they vacation? For the rest of their lives are they going to blame their bad experiences on you? Agree with them. Because it doesn't matter what they think, it only matters what you think. Do YOU believe you jinxed them to all suffer vacation mishaps? If you do, then you have an awesome power over people and I suggest you use it wisely; if you don't, then forget it. They are the ones looking for excuses in their lives, not you.

What do the swamis of India call the illusion of life?

They call it Maya.

I'm wondering what is it that we are not doing -- that you did -- to win the lottery? You shared what you did & how you did it, BUT it seems we can't. Dilemma... Get me out of here!

In FOUND MONEY I explained that one's reality, one's day to day life, is a reflection of the thoughts and beliefs that one holds to be true. Well I mean that literally. So if you are not winning, then that too is a reflection of your beliefs. It's obviously not enough to think you want to win, to think you can win. You need to honestly believe in it happening - and then relax in that belief. If it's true, you will be able to focus upon it during your visualizations and then let it go, detach from it. How you do that is by believing (knowing) it is going to happen to you. And if you're not kidding yourself, it will.

I'm from Haiti. I believe in the voodoo. Do you?

I have no experience with it whatsoever. Therefore, I have no opinion for or against it - except in its using animals for sacrifice. In that regards, voodoo is primitive and the antithesis of a forward thinking discipline.

I am a programmer at a major software company. I came across some sensitive information in some archived e-mails that I could exploit for money. I know it sounds like blackmail, but I see it as a more noble thing - saving people from this company's exploitation. What do you think?

If it looks like blackmail, and smells like blackmail, and sounds like blackmail (as you yourself have implied), then, gee, it probably is blackmail. And I'm sure your future fellow inmates will be fabulously amused as you relate your story of how you tried to "not" blackmail your former employer and how he had you arrested and charged and sent to prison for it. Ha ha ha, they will all laugh. Then someone big will stand and tell you to bend over. Then it will dawn on you that "not" blackmailing your former employer wasn't your best personal choice. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. It hasn't happened yet, has it...

Would you consider putting your book, FOUND MONEY in an audio format?

I would. You know, I've been toying with the idea of doing all kinds of audio tapes, on all kinds of fun, different, interesting subjects. This notion about doing original tapes has come up before, and though I've yet to act on it, you know how good ideas are, they stick around and keep coming up again and again. Like now! Thanks!

I'm feeling frisky! My husband has no idea it's because I have been having erotic thoughts about our new neighbor - a woman! I saw her in their backyard swimming pool and she was totally nude. I'm in love! Because I have never had a lesbian experience, what should I say to her to see if she's interested?

Tell her you saw her swimming. Ask her if you can join her for a dip, nude of course. Take it from there. Happy trails!

You sound spiritual, but you're not all touchy feelie New Age inner child crap. How come you don't spout aphorisms and chant mantras and tell us about your aura?

I'm just trying to get you to WAKE UP. Nothing more.

My husband's best friend is Glen. I am extremely attracted to him and I think Glen likes me too---

Wait! Wait just a minute. Is this another I want-to-have-an-affair-but... story that ends up asking me if it's ok to cheat or lie or whatever it is you and Glen are contemplating? Because if it is, I'm getting kind of tired of these you-make-a-decision-for-me-type-of-questions. Capish? Think for yourselves, people. Ok, go on.

---Er, um, I was...well, me and Glen are...All right! I was going to ask you if it was such a bad thing...but never mind, Mr. Grouchpuss. I'm not interested in your answer anymore. Goodbye.

Sheesh. Double sheesh.

I was wondering if you would donate a dozen books to---

Ha! Did you catch me on the wrong day! No.

I want to be an artist, but I'm not good at taking rejection. How can I pursue my art and then not become fragile when it gets bad reviews? I'm just starting down this road. Anything would help. Thanks.

You are already presupposing you will get bad reviews. You are already afraid others will not like it. If this were wrestling, you'd be starting from the down position. Well listen here, mister, stop yourself right there and tell yourself what you know to be true: you are doing this art because you feel the need and desire to do so. What happens afterwards is not why you are doing it. So just focus on creating it. Make it be all that you want and need it to be, and then be satisfied that that is exactly what you just did. This personal satisfaction will be the deep well from which you'll draw to deal with whatever the public thinks of it.

I think you're a terrific writer! Can you recommend a writing school (or at least tell us which school you went to)?

As one who is self taught, I can hardly recommend a writing school.

I think you're really funny. I wanted you to know that I have been submitting your URL to various comedy web awards, but all of them have ended up saying your humour is too sophisticated for their sophomoric awards. Sorry.

Sigh. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Could you do more movie reviews? I really liked the last one.

Sure, I could do that.

Are there things you want that you haven't yet got?

Of course. Far too many to mention. I am a great dreamer and imaginair.

How do you deal with stress?

Look, there's nothing wrong with stress, or adrenaline, or anxiety, or excitement, or anticipation so great that you nearly stroke out from it. Nah-uh. But all of those things are meant to be short term, short lived. You don't stay excited forever. You shouldn't stayed stressed out forever either. So figure out what freaks you out (WHAT you are stressing about) and deal with it. If that means quitting the job or the relationship or whatever, do it. How do you deal with stress? You deal with it. And eliminate it.

In your book Write About Dogs, you write as a brother. Are you?

No, I'm not black. Nor am I female, or Native American, or a dog, but in that book I write as if I were.

Do you like aggressive women?

If I say yes are you going to stalk me?

No, silly.

Do you mean sexually aggressive or sock in the kisser aggressive?

I mean women who know what they want and they go after him! Grrrrr!

Woo doggy, no. That's the Fatal Attraction thing there. That's how office politics get a bad name; that's where the words backstabbing, sleep/cheat/kill/claw your way to the top and "Can't you take NO for an answer, woman!", come from.

I would like direction in being a writer. I will pay you. I want to start on Tuesday after my violin lessons. Should I write something first? Is Tuesday good?

No, to all of it. Sorry,

My mother-in-law is a tyrant. I hate her with a passion and because of this my relationship with my husband has deteriorated. Help!

If you can't communicate with her and get to the issues underlying the acrimony, then I suggest you make her as small a part of your life as possible. I say this because you can't change her; you can only change you. If you were stronger in your own sense of self, then people like this woman would have less of a negative impact upon you. In other words, don't just blame your mother-in-law, look upon her behavior as a catalyst for your own personal development. YOU become stronger through this. You focus upon you. The other issues will diminish as you personally develop.

How did you make up all that stuff with Seth in Write About Dogs? Did you have to get permission to do that?

I didn't make up any of the Seth stuff. Those were all his words. I just used them in an artistic conceit to illustrate my points. I was given copyright permissions for all of the material from Rob Butts, Jane Roberts' husband and the copyright owner.

I'm banging my sister-in-law. She wants to tell my wife, her sister, so we can get it out in the open and (she hopes), so she can move in with us. I think her sister, my wife, will flip out if she finds out. How can I shut my sister-in-law, her sister, up?

Don't know and/or don't care. Cold? Sure, but truthful.

I want a small dog, my husband wants a big dog. To be honest, we do have the room for a big dog, and my husband likes to play rough, but I want a cuddly dog I can hold in my lap and hug to my chest. How can I make my husband go along with the little dog?

Remember, you're doing this for the companionship. If you guys want two different companions, get two different dogs. Get both. Make yourselves happy and make a couple of dogs happy. Win-win.

My computer fan is making all kinds of noise. I don't know much about computers. What are you supposed to do?

Uh, take it in for repair, get a new fan? You think?

You like it so much, will you be sad when Winter is over?

No, I'll welcome the Spring just like everyone else. I love Winter, it's true, but what I really like are the four distinct seasons. Though I will miss playing hockey.

How has the response for your website been?

The response has been good. There are many of you. I'm pleased.

I just found your website and I think it's got potential. But why don't you add more original content?

Funny, some people think there's too much of me already.

Herman is my name. I get all the girls I want. I pay for 'em. What do you think of prostitution?

Sex sells, Herman. Doesn't matter if the prostitute is walking the streets or sitting on an Aeron chair 35 floors up running a TV network. The ridiculous part is: though sex sells, it's illegal to try to buy it. Duh. For me personally, that's like the definition of cheesy.

I think I have learned some good stuff by some of the answers you have given to people's questions. Is that part of your mission, to get people to learn?

My only mission is to remain cognizant and true to what I believe is the best of me. The fact that I have a public forum makes it inevitable that through exposure, a reader might learn something. Or not.

My brother Reggie is a paroled murderer. I'm always trying to get him to shut up about his prison exploits around my kids. But he's kind of sensitive to criticism. He sees it as an attack on his manhood and he gets real upset real fast. It's kind of scary. So how can I shut him up?

Oh no, you're not dragging me into some story about paroled murderers and their barely controllable rage. Oh yeah, I can hear it now, "Hey Reggie, Keith says to do this...." The next thing I know, knock knock. Who's there? Reggie. Reggie who? Uh-uh, sorry pal, I don't have much to say about this one.

Some people might think you're a coward for bailing on Reggie, but I also run a website and I know just how many crazy people there are out there. Forget Reggie. Anyway, my question is why don't you trick your site up a bit? Use a little java. Add some sparkle.

You know, I'm not a sparkle kind of guy. And the clean and simple site design is by intention. (To my eye, when the site is uncluttered, the content stands out.) See, I'm more of a content kind of guy. But you know what? Thanks for the feedback. I always want to hear what others have to say.

My girlfriend's sex drive is way beyond my capacity to fulfill. She's frustrated with me. She wants it all the time and I don't. But I love her and I don't want her to start cheating on me. Is there something to either slow her down or speed me up?

Yeah, it's called READ THE HANDWRITING ON THE WALL. You're toast, pal. Unless you are either comfortable or turned on by your girlfriend having sex with other people, you'd better book now. Why do you think they call it a sex drive? One is impelled to do it. She's gonna do it, with you and without you. How cool are you with that?

You don't sound too Dear Abby like with some of your "human rights" (read lenient gay) attitudes. You might want to watch your P's and Q's.

Dear Abby? She's like some hundred year old fossil. What the hell does she have to do with my opinions and my ideas? Not to mention your onerous hundred year old attitude about "human rights". Sheesh.

Help, I'm in luv with Jennifer Luv Hewitt! Could you get me her personal address not the stupid fan club address so I can write to her so I can tell her how much I luv her?! Thanks!

That's funny you should mention J. Love. We just had dinner last night and you know what? All she did was like talk about you! I swear to God! Cross my heart! You get outta here!

My boyfriend likes me to wear cowboy boots and nothing else when we make love. It was kind of fun for a while, but now it's like every time. If I suggest we try it without them, he pouts and sulks. How can I have barefoot sex again?

I believe that shrewish little Nancy Reagan hissed it best, Just say no. His pouting will turn to horniness sooner or later.

I hate flying. It scares me silly. Why can't I just drive to my sister's wedding?

I think you can, unless she lives in Europe, you know, with water between you and her. Then you couldn't.

My stock portfolio is a crumbling mess. It was all in tech stocks that are now worthless. I think I have bankrupted my family. How can I possibly tell them?

I don't know what kind of ambience might soften that verbal blow, but tell them you must. This sort of thing may either drive you all closer together as a family, or it may break you apart. I wish you the best possible outcome.

What are you listening to right now?

Birds at the feeder outside my window, U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind, the incessant droning of my computer fan, the ticking of a clock, my own thoughts about these things.

You're a good speaker! I really like your voice. Can you sing?

Worse than you know.

Your site is a favorite with the managers at our software company. We like it because the humor isn't gross or sophomoric, but still funny. It's also nice to see what life is like for someone who's not working 65 hours a week. Have you ever given your all to a job?

I have. But I prefer balance. Giving your all to something implies that you are NOT giving your all to other things. It implies that you are out of balance. Why would one want to consciously live their life out of balance? Short term, ok. But for the long term?

Regardless of what someone like you says, life for me is a never ending travail of depression, loathing and hate. The whole world is in my face.

Haw! Listen to you, never ending travail. Wake up, man! Your life is that way because you've let it become that (I am working on the assumption that you're an adult, not incarcerated and mentally sound). Look, the only reason you're living your life is to experience whatever it is you go through in this life. You have chosen to live in depression, loathing and hate. You could just as easily choose something else. Either way, YOU choose. Nobody else.

My neighbour covets my wife. He works at home. Every day I leave for the tube knowing he will be trying to seduce my wife all day while I'm away in the city. Should we move?

Whoa. Where is your wife in this equation? Receptive to his real or imagined advances? Repulsed by them? Afraid for herself? Happy at the prospect? Lots of questions here, do you see? Do you know the answers to them? Where is your wife in this equation?

Hey, I've got the same story as that last bloke. My wife is shagging me neighbour. I'm sure of it, though she bloody well denies it. But I know how to get them. I'm going to fake leaving to work and circle back 'round. That'll catch 'em.

And when you do? Catch them, I mean. What then? Look gents, if your wives are cheating, that's an expression of something happening within her (her dissatisfaction, boredom, search for excitement, spontaneity, whatever). And likewise, if your wives are not cheating, that too is indicative of something (your lack of trust and belief in her good word). Figure it out and you'll both find ways out of your messes.

Is flying first class worth the money?

It's totally subjective. Do you want more leg room? Seat room? Better food and drink? Better service? Are you willing to pay a lot more for that? Is it a really long or a really short flight? Are you paying for your seat or is someone else? Do you desire or need the anonymity or prestige? See what I mean? Totally subjective.

My 16 year old son is a math dolt. He doesn't get numbers at all. This is both offensive and painful to my wife and myself as we are both Chartered Accountants with our own accounting firm. This boy embarrasses us. We have tried everything from tutors to the Internet. We want him in the family business, but for that he's got to be an accountant. What can we do with him?

Leave him alone. Get a grip. So he not going to live out your dream. If he's not born to be an accountant, he's born to be something else. Let him find out what that is. Right now, all he knows is what he isn't.

You're a pretty unique guy. You seem to have a very good perspective on things. How is that?

I look at my life all the time. I examine my moves and motives and intentions and desires. I don't do this to beat myself up - on the contrary, it's to help me understand why I did what I did, or why I want what I want. Invariably I find that I act upon and am drawn into events that are always in line with what I believe to be true for me. So I know exactly how I got from A to B to C to, etc. There's no mystery. I did it consciously. That's the definition of self-empowering.

What do you think of John Gray?

Not much.
Everyone's entitled to their own opinions.
He's annoying, sniveling, weak and pompous.
But you know what? It's not at all about what I think. If you believe he can help you better the life you're living, then by all means avail yourself of those services. We are here to grow. All help is beneficial in that undertaking.

Are the Canucks going to make the playoffs?

They are.

Which is better: more money and no job security, or total job security at less money?

That, my friend is a good question, and you must ask it of yourself, and you will know yourself better after you find your answer. I wish you the best of decisions.

I agree with you about John Gray. He is a shrimpy slimeball who clearly dislikes women having any sort of control. What an insecure weenie. He's a true charlatan in every sense of the word.

Ooh la la. Take that, shrimpy, weenie John Gray!

I haven't found my soulmate yet, but I believe I will. I believe there is somebody for everybody out there. Do you believe that as well?

I found mine, so perhaps there's some truth to it?

I am staying married to my husband just for the sake of our kids. I love our children as much as is humanly possible; I can barely stand my husband. I have 8 more years until the youngest will be 18. Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it. Do you think there are a lot of loveless marriages out there?

I do. But I certainly don't advocate doing what you're doing. You are saying that you are willing to be miserable for the sake of the kids. What about your sake? What about you? Don't you deserve to be happy? Don't you think your children know it's a loveless marriage? Do what is right for you, and by default it will be right for your children.

I just flew Air Canada for the first time in a long time. Man are they crappy! Long delays, dirty planes, and everyone had an attitude! They have really gone down hill. What happened to their competition, Canadian Airlines?

Air Canada ate them up. Ever since the merger, Air Canada's reputation has just stunk up the joint. Their customer service is appalling and their attitude about that is woeful. The Canadian people think it was one of the worst mergers ever. What a shame.

I want to do it, but I'm sorry, I find meditating is really hard.

So is having a baby. But you don't not do it because it's hard. Right?
Meditating is something that you are trying to do, because you want to see if doing it has any kind of positive effect on your life. If you give up trying to do it, then you will never know.
If you have never ice skated before, and someone gives you lessons, you would never believe that you could master ice skating in say, two lessons. Or even a half dozen. Right? You know full well that it will take a long time to become proficient at skating. You also know that every time you have another session on the ice, you are better than the time before, and you are more comfortable with it, and you are developing mastery of it. Each time. Well, instead of skating lessons, give yourself meditation lessons.

Have you done your taxes yet?

Ugh. No. Soon.

You ever hunt and fish?

Not really. Intentionally killing things isn't really...me.

I hate telemarketers! I know that you say not to hate anything, but I HATE them. I could kill each and every one every time one calls.

I never said not to hate anything. I said examine why you hate what you hate, and unless you want to continue having your blood boil over it, work through it and move on. Practically speaking, you are not going to stop them from calling you. Ok? So either live with this hate every time they call, or find what phone technology will allow you to tape/screen/delete/block/whatever you need to do, these blood boiling calls. Ok? You must be proactive. DO something about it.

I hate my name - Tor. No one knows if I'm male or female. People ask me all the time if I'm from Scandinavia. I hear lots of Viking jokes. What should I do?

These questions are all I hate, I hate, I hate. Come on people, where's the love?
Ok, your name...yes, well, practically speaking, you could always change it, huh? You don't want to be Tor? Change it to whomever you want to be! People are adaptable, they will start calling you whatever it is you want to be called. After a while you won't be Tor anymore (except to those who named you Tor).

I hate my cousin! He has twice--

Whoa, Nelly. I'm not doing another I-hate-this-thing/person/place-to-death-help-me question right now. Ok?

Yeah sure, great for you, but what am I supposed to do about my lecherous cousin?

I don't know, Nelly. Think of something?

Do you yourself read a lot of spiritual and self-help books?

No, I don't. But the spiritual/self-help books I have read, have usually been due to the nature of how they came to me (given by someone; suggested by someone; it leapt off the shelf at me, I had to buy it, etc.).

What do you think of Oprah?

Now there is an interesting woman. She is a complex media juggernaut with a vast and popular reach. Aside from her acting pursuits, her successful business empire, and her celebrity, she has both a hugely popular television show and print publication that consistently highlight the content of life. She is in open dialogue with her inner self, and taking millions of people along with her on her journey of discovery. That's powerful on many levels. No doubt about it, she is a good person.

Ever kick a girl out of bed for eating crackers?

Nope. Women in my bed can eat anything they want.

I just found out that my fiancé has been sleeping with my mother! And after we're married she says she wants to move in with us because she plans on maintaining her sexual relationship with my husband! I am in shock about all this. What can I do?

Wish them both a nice life and get on with yours.

Which do you think is better: dropping my boyfriend because he cheated on me, or getting even by cheating on him?

Gee, they're both such mature choices. I know! Why don't you decide for yourself?

Is spirituality all that it's cracked up to be? Is it worth really trying to find my inner self?

If you were really thirsty, would you ask if water was refreshing enough to drink? Maybe you are just thinking about self-discovery, and are not quite ready to explore it fully. When you do want a drink, you will not question its worth.

Are dogs better pets than cats?

Not better, not worse, just different.

When we were at my aunt's house, I saw a ghost in her living room. I watched it for about 30 seconds until it faded and disappeared. I told my Mom about it but she and my aunt had a real good laugh and asked if his name was Casper. When I told them that it was Grandma Harris (their mother and dead 10 years), they both got real silent and nervous. Both of them started smoking and asking me lots of questions. Did she say anything? Did she mention anything about them? Suddenly I realized I got a power over them. Now they are afraid I can talk with Grandma Harris anytime I want. I can make stuff up and they'll believe me! It's perfect! But I also really did see a ghost.

Don't lie to your mother and your aunt using your dead grandmother as your instrument of prevarication. It's not nice.

I was let go by my dot.com and I haven't been able to find a job in the industry for almost a year. Boo hoo. Know how tired I am of hearing that?

Huh?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Double boo hoo, my stock is worthless. I worked 100 hours a week for nuthin?. Boo hoo. LOSERS!

Knock knock. Who's there?

I have consciously created a car for myself! I used the techniques you described in FOUND MONEY, only I wanted a car, not to win the lottery. But it works the same! THANK YOU!!! Do you have any other "How To" books?

We do not. See, I kind of figure that conscious creation will pretty much give you anything in your life that you desire, be it winning the lottery, losing weight, finding the love of your life, garnering material goods, having health, etc. So individual How To books that might illustrate the same techniques only specifically targeting specific groups, seems superfluous. I picked the lottery. It is common, cheap to play, and easy to find out if it works. But as this writer has stated, conscious creation is unlimited and universal, and that is the real message inside FOUND MONEY. I'm glad that the book helped allow you to create for yourself something you desired. Way to go. Bravo.

Is freedom just another word for nothing left to lose?

Oh Lord
wontcha buy me
a Mer-cedes Benz.

Ever been on an alien spaceship? I have.

Oooooooooo-k. And um, was it groovy or grotesque?

Oh, most gruesome, I assure you. I was operated on by-

That's it! They'll be no more of these alien encounter personal vivisectional first hand accounts of any kind, ok? Frankly, they’re not very nice. Thank you, thank you very much.

Please tell me something you know that I wouldn't know.

Wrestling's fake.
The little dogs are the ones to watch out for.
You are far more than you know.
Everything is an illusion.

If someone dead could come back and talk to you, who would you want that to be?

Me, from a former life, or another life, but definitely me. Think about it. How cool would that be?!

Glen talked about it to Mandy and Mandy told it to Allison who told it to me. The big question is, should I tell it to Mark?

Hey, I was the one who originally told it to Glen - and he was supposed to keep his mouth shut! Great! Now what?

Tell me something pretty.

There are two small towns right near each other in upstate New York, and they both have the most lyrical names: Painted Post and Horseheads, NY.

I got your FOUND MONEY tape. I like the way you did it. You are a real good speaker. I think you could be the next Tony Robbins. Are you going to do something like that? A whole series of tapes and courses?

No. Tony and I both talk about personal strengths, but we are treading different paths professionally.

I love sex in the morning, don't you?

Uh, sure. What's not to like?

I can't believe how many famous actors are short! I saw Tom Cruise at a premiere - he's a tiny fellow! A little bitty guy. Pacino too. Is that why they all go into acting, to look taller on the big screen?

Ma'am, I don't know. I suppose you'd have to ask Al or Tom.

Just got your novel. It's a pretty weird book so far. But good weird, you know?

Yes, I know.

I really like this site. I stop in a couple of times a week just to read your column. I think you're funnier than Dave Barry. Have you ever considered doing a newspaper column?

Nah. The Internet is a good medium for me. I like it here. I'm glad you like the site.

Sometimes I think I'm the only young person in the world not interested in computers and technology. (I'm typing this on the school computer.) My question is whether you think someone with an aversion to technology can still do well in the new millennium?

What do you mean by do well? The computer is a tool. Just like a table saw is a tool. Now, you don't have to love your tools, but you must respect them. I'm not kidding. Disrespect a table saw and you can lose a hand. Maintain an aversion to technology, and get left behind. Both of these things are handicaps.

You're a clever man! Some of your answers in the Q&A are so good. I just want you to keep doing your site. Hell, I'll even buy a book if it'll help keep you writing.

Hell, thanks.

My brother is coming on to me, ugh. He's always coming into my room naked and shaking his thing. I'm 16 and he's 14. Should I tell Mom and Dad?

Yeah, you should. Get it and him dealt with. Sex with your sister is not cool. He should know that. Obviously he doesn't.

Did aliens build the pyramids?

Nah, it was a small contractor from Santa Fe - Pete's Pyramids. On Route 99 S, down by the K-Mart there.

How come you don't write about the employees in your company any more? I miss them.

I'm forbidden because of a class action lawsuit filed by Frieda and Jules. Tee hee. Just kidding. I'm sure they'll all return sooner or later. In the meantime, I'll pass on your good regards to all the hardworking characters at Keith Ryan Publishing.

What do you do on your days off?

Well, actually, every day is kind of like a day off. So, I guess, um, I just live my life like everyone else lives theirs. You know, doing all the stuff you do. Days off, days on, nights too. Why, what do you do on your days off?

So what you are saying by that last question is that you don't consider your work to be work? Is that how you meant it?

That is indeed how I meant it. If you do what you love, do what you want to be doing, and you'd do it regardless of whether you were paid for it or not, then work is not work, even though it may be very hard work.

What's the biggest dinner party you have ever thrown?

Um, lessee...maybe 14 people? Not big really.

How are book sales going?

Steady, thank you.

If you weren't a writer what else would you be?

I can't say. I could be anything. You could be anything. We all could be anything.

My girlfriend is really getting into some kinky stuff. She just pierced her nose for the third time. She has already shaved her head. She's getting pretty hard core sexually. She makes me nervous because I wonder what she'll do next. How can I get her to stop being so freaky?

You can't stop her. Only she can recognize what propels her toward this and either reconcile it, or continue it. But only she can stop it.

We are truly God fearing people. We want all our children to go to church and follow its tenets. But our oldest son is rebelling. He has refused to go to church with us on Sunday. My husband is just short of condemning him to hell. How can I avert a crisis between my husband and my son?

I thought the church was where one goes to find spirituality? And here it is breaking apart your family. What's wrong with this picture? You and your husband have this dogma, your church has this dogma, and together, none of it has any spiritual effect upon your son. Your son knows this. You and your husband and your church don't. Listen to me, if you love this human being who is your son, encourage him to find his spirit elsewhere. Don't box him in to some preconceived dogma that one way, your way, is the only way. That's ignorant.

Tell me a sure thing.

Bet on Tiger Woods.

Money is stressing me out. Making it, having it, spending it, saving it - all of it is stressing me right out. Do you have any tips for coping with money?

Think of your quality of life instead. Money should improve your quality of life. Money is a means to an end (to improve the quality of your life), not an end itself.

If you won an Academy Award, where would you put it?

Good question! Hmm...maybe I would stick it in a corner of my office and then attach a whole bunch of stuff to the wall above it so it would look like Oscar was balancing a huge bundle on his head. I would have to do something stupid like that (put a dress on him/her?) to help deflect the oppressive weight of my ego's need to be showing it off in the first place. Whimsy, you know, that's the ticket. It would be a great doorstop! Oh! I know! - I could pose Oscar and Barbie together! Just imagine the possibilities...a jealous Ken...their twisted relationship...a car wreck...Oscar escapes unharmed, but Barbie...poor Barbie...a distraught Ken intent on revenge!...

You ever kill anybody?

No, but some people say that I slay them.

My calculator broke and I had to do my taxes by hand. What if I made a mistake? What happens?

They find it. They tell you about it. They correct it. And there's the rub. See, it's usually in the correcting part where you must bend over, open your wallet, and part with some cash. It's very painful. Then they count it, and when they're finished with you, then you pull yourself together and thank them for it. They stamp your file. Then you have been corrected. My advice? Calculators cost like $1.47 and are so worth running out in the middle of the night to purchase one IF you are doing your tax returns.

My son is in trouble with the law all the time. The cops keep coming here looking for him and my wife always hides him in the barn. Are we accomplices if they catch us doing that?

Duh, yeah. If the police have a warrant for his arrest, and you are hiding him from them, then yes, you are aiding and abetting his fugitiveness. You shouldn't ignore the fact that there may well be consequences for your actions.

I have this friend with absolutely the worst taste ever, which brings up my question. If you're given a hideous gift that you don't want, and you turn around and give that very same gift to someone else, is that ok?

Sure, if you don't care what others think of your taste. In other words, if you think so little of the gift that you turn around and palm it off on someone else, why wouldn't that someone else feel exactly the same way toward it (and you) as you felt toward the original gift and gift giver? Except this time it's YOU who looks bad giving a hideous gift.

I like my girlfriend but her legs and underarms are hairy and she isn't into shaving. She says she wants to be all natural and if I can't live with it to lump it or else. Do you have any suggestions about how to get her to shave - even just once?

No I don't. It seems to me her attitude about shaving is quite clear. It seems to me that you are the one with the problem. It seems to me you ought to look at what that problem is (for you, not her) and deal with it. Hell, she's so clear about it she's already outlined your options for you: lump it or leave it.

I want win money! How I win money? Hurry!

Let me guess...English as a second language? Thank you for your inquiry I have e-mailed you the details about how to purchase FOUND MONEY: How To Consciously Win The Lottery, if indeed, that is what you're asking.

I am constantly aroused at work. All the people here are really attractive and everyone openly flirts. I have the feeling that my marriage is doomed if I stay here, but it is so stimulating to be a part of all this sexual energy I can't seem to break away. Help?!

Help? No, you're choices are pretty clear. Stay and play or leave.

I live alone and am on disability. The Internet has been the best thing in the world for me because I go to all these chat rooms and meet my cyber friends and don't feel so lonely. I was just wondering what chat rooms you use?

No chat rooms for me, pal. My Internet is another tool entirely. But that's one of the great hallmarks of the Internet - it's as broad as it is deep; everyone can find something for themselves in it. It's nice that you have found comfortable places for you.

I am wildly attracted to Asian women. They're all I think about. I'm obsessed with them. Is this sick?

It's a fetish, but is it sick? That's hardly for me to decide.

How many questions a day do you get?

Some days one or two, other days upwards of fifty or more.

Are sex toys safe? I mean can you use them without danger?

Danger of what? Too much fun? Sure they're safe - but as with any power tool, you should read the manufacturer's instructions and remember, there is no more important safety tip than to wear your safety glasses.

I really hate how my parents control me. In Hollywood, can't child actors sue their parents?

You're talking about when a child actor sues for emancipation from a parent (who is usually managing or agenting for the child). But I'm not too sure you can sue your parents because they are too controlling. You best check with a lawyer on that. Hey, just one question: perchance, you're not in adolescence, are you?

My name is Buffy and all my friends call me Vamp (short for vampire slayer), but my parents just heard about my nickname and they think it's 'cause I'm a slut. Why are parents so stupid all the time?

Um, just one question: perchance, you're not in adolescence, are you?

I have some important questions I would like your answers on.
1.) Is peace on Earth possible?
2.) Is there life after death?
3.) Can you really change the past?
4.) Is the future set in stone?
Thank you.

1.) Yes, but everybody is developing themselves in every way possible, so there will always be strife because that is the nature of so many differences.
2.) Yes, but not in the conventional sense. But yes, you will carry on.
3.) Yes, the past is as malleable as the future.
4.) No, the future is as changeable as the past or present.
You're welcome.

How often do you walk your dogs?

A minimum of twice a day.

I got to your site by word of mouth. It took me ten minutes to stumble onto KeithSpeak. How about making it easier to find the new content?

I like my visitors to stumble around. Makes the site surprising. Ok, ok, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful. Actually, at various times I have had direct links from the home page to the sections with daily refresh, but now is not one of those times.

Do you still think of yourself as an American?

I think of myself as a North American, as in the continent. I am a product of both the United States and Canada. It has made me the suave and fabulously well rounded guy that I am. Haw!

I am gay and I have been out of the closet for a few years. My partner, however, is set to tell his parents about his lifestyle, this very weekend. Would you have any tips for making this go better than either of us anticipate it will?

Assuming Plan A is lots and lots of liquor, let's look at Plan B. I will tell you that the more sure the both of you are in your convictions, the easier it will be for his parents to assimilate. This basically means providing a calm, definitive frankness about your lifestyle. If you or he get defensive, or act weak about it, or pretend that it's something other than what it is, his parents will seize upon that as a cudgel and/or lifeline. They will then beat you with it and throw you out of the lifeboat. Capish? Be frank, direct, unapologetic, but show empathy and kindness toward his parents because you have had a lot of time to process this, they haven't.

One day I sat down and wrote down all the things I am afraid of. Flying was number one but I had over thirty items on my list. I asked myself why I was so afraid of all these things, but no answer came to mind. Do you know why I'm afraid of so much?

No answers came to mind?! Trust me, the answers are all there, inside your head. Ok, dear, here's what you do - get practical. To conquer your fears you must find out why they are so inhabiting your life. If you can't find it within yourself to do this on your own, then utilize the services of counselors, shrinks, medication, alternative healing, whatever it takes, for you to alleviate these problems. Become pro-active. If you want to be timid and fearful, keep doing what you're doing. If not, use some resources, get some help, help yourself.

You sound so sure of yourself. How did you acquire that?

I think about my life. I self-examine. I am open to learning that which I don't know (as opposed to being fearful of the unknown). I pay attention. I create. I'm happy. All of these things and more conspire to create self-assurance.

Hello. Do you think it's possible to have your cake and eat it too?

Absolutely.

Is there such a thing as too much money?

Haw! You're kidding, right?

Right now I'm living in Paris and loving every minute of it. And it's not because of the beautiful city, it's because France has such tough extradition laws! It's a criminal's paradise. Vive la France!

And your happy criminal question was?

My cousin died and his mother gave my mother all his old clothes for me to wear. It's really creepy and I don't want to put any of them on, but my mother says I have to to be nice to my aunt. How can I get out of wearing them?

I think you really have to tell you aunt that you sincerely appreciate her generous offer to double your wardrobe (or words to that effect) but that it really creeps you out and you'd rather not wear other people's clothes, including your dead cousin's. Tell her you will be happy to give them to a charitable organization who would be thrilled to have them. Case closed.

All my girlfriends tell me how much of a jerk my husband is (he has hit on a couple of them at parties). I really don't think he's all that bad. I wonder if they are telling me the truth?

Oh, they're telling you the truth all right. But you are the one married to him. If things are swell by you, then that is all that matters.

I suspect that my son is a hacker. I overhead him telling somebody on the phone how he was able to break into a government site. He said he only looked around and didn't do any damage, but I found it pretty alarming. The more I thought about it, I realized I had no idea what he is doing on that computer. How should I handle this?

That's tough because you really can't confront him and say, don't hack or crack. That's like telling a junkie to please stop doing drugs. You could take away his computer, but that is sort of a denial trip on your part and I'm sure he will be able to replace it with a new computer, somehow, some way. You could turn him into the cops, but don't do that. Or, you could take an interest in it yourself, hacking, cracking, become a confidant and a pal and a student of your son's so that you can really see what he is doing and how he is doing it. Then you could assess the damage being done and go from there. Or you could just ignore it and hope for the best.

Are Canadians really as nice and polite as the rest of the world thinks they are?

Of course not - we all go through International Training. We are told how to give the rest of the world the false impression that we are civil beings, hiding our true nature as a blood thirsty warrior nation slaving to corporate dictates and running over anyone who gets in our way or doesn't agree with us. Whoops, that was the American in me. Sorry, wrong country. Saaay, what was your question?

If you could have any car in the world, what would it be?

A Toyota Land Cruiser.

Are you hiring any IT workers?

We are not.

What would you do if you knew you had 24 hours to live?

Assuming I wasn't in some hospital with tubes up my nose or something, I'd probably spend as much of that time with my wife as I could. We'd probably make a last meal together. Talk about our lives together. Say goodbye to each other. Why, what would you do?

Wait a minute - you say way back in the beginning of Q&A 1 that you drive a Toyota Land Cruiser. Now you just said that's the car you want. We're you fibbing?

I do drive a Land Cruiser. And that is the only vehicle I want. So I have what I want. That's what I meant.

If life is a balancing act, then that means we have to have pain if we expect to have pleasure. That sucks.

No, that is so your life can have breadth and depth. That is the balance. The more you know (what you learn and reason and create in your head), the more you do (your experiences), the bigger and better you are. And that's a fact. I will have someone tell me they literally cannot meditate, shut their eyes, sit still, blank their mind, but in the next sentence will say that they believe there is a heaven where folks float around on clouds all day. I'll ask, Doing what? Nothing, they reply gleefully. Yet they can't sit on their couch for 15 minutes doing it, nothing. And now an eternity of it sounds great? Yes, well, it sounds good to them because it is something created in their heads (what they know), but it has not been experienced. Because if they thought meditating was boring... You need it all. You want it all. Life is to be a broad and vast personal human extravaganza limited only by one's self-discovery; and at the same time, completely, fully defined by one's self-discovery. Be vigorous about it. Live it!

How often do you get hammered, dude?

My life is good and I am pleased with so much about it that I don't feel the need to get hammered, wasted, totally bombed, man. Hey, I like a beer just like the next guy, but I also know when I don't want any more.

What's wrong with the human race?

Joan Lunden? Never much cared for her myself.

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 highest, how spiritual would you say you are?

I am 100% spiritual. So are you. So is everybody. Every tree, every rock, every human and dog, we are all completely spiritual. We are all "of" the same stuff.

What is your graduate degree in and was it worth it to go on for another 2 years of college?

It's in biology. Was it worth it? As a life experience, sure. As a career track, no, but then I had my eye set on another thing entirely, and a Masters degree was just a means to that end.

Is there really a tooth fairy?

There is. Wally Peckindorf of Altoona, Pennsylvania is the tooth fairy. His father and his father before him were all tooth fairies. But don't be fooled, it's not all glamour, there are real downsides to being the tooth man. First off, you're giving away money. So you have to have an outside job to pay for all those teeth. And then there are all those teeth! What the hell does Wally do with all the teeth?! Ew. Plus, how do you get the teeth? You do a B&E and sneak into a vulnerable child's room and that's really creepy! Plus, Wally doesn't even get to wear a cool uniform or superhero outfit so he has to basically do his tooth fairying in his street clothes. Nothing special in that! Then there's all the travel...

My boyfriend is really jealous. I can't even talk to another guy without him freaking about my wanting to sleep with the guy. Is there a way to get my boyfriend to be less jealous?

Get him to address why he's so insecure. Does he not believe you? Does he not trust you? trust himself? Is he fearful of his place in the single male world? What? Find out why he's jealous (read fearful) and you can find out how to alleviate it. But if the jealousy stays, you might wanna consider moving on, because in the end, you will suffer greatly for his shortcomings.

I have opted out of paying taxes this year. I am taking the position that if they want to try and find out that I didn't pay any, then I'll answer that bell and pay the piper. But until then - if then - I'm going to live my life without the IRS. Good riddance.

Whatever, man.

Between me and you now, isn't this confidential and private like how it is between a lawyer and his client? Because if I told you that I oh, say, killed someone, er, something like that, you wouldn't have to tell anybody, would you? It's in confidence, right?

Oh sure, oh yeah, completely, absolutely. You, me and the Internet, that's all, no one else will know. Hell-oooooo?

Now really, is Elvis dead?

I'm glad you asked that question. Quite recently, Elvis walked into Keith Ryan Publishing and applied for a job as a short order cook. We didn't need one, being a publishing company and all - but it was Elvis! Son, you're hired! Even though he makes the same thing every day, I must say that no one can touch that man's fried banana sandwiches. Anyway, the world can stop wondering. Elvis is alive and well. Just thought you'd wanna know.

Oh really? Well I happen to know that Elvis always carries a gun with him and you can't get into Canada if you're carrying a gun. 'Splain that one, Rickey.

You're right. We had to supply Elvis with a new piece. We took him down to the local emporium of destruction and he picked out a big ol' black assault rifle that he's nicknamed Mama. He keeps it on him at all times, shoots it off every now and then and yells "Take that! Take that!"

Are you ever going to have a book sale? If so, when?

Probably not. Our margin is thin due to the size of our company. The best I can suggest is to have your library order copies of our books. Then you and others can read them for free.

It's my 24th birthday tomorrow. My boyfriend is throwing me an orgy as my present. Want to come to my party?

An orgy? As a birthday present? My my my. You know, if it weren't my bowling night...

In Write About Dogs, did you really have a dog like Baboo? Was she real?

She was real. In this world, there are many people who have had deep and spiritual encounters with other animals, other species. I had that with this dog.

I could be an alien and you'd never know. You would think you were just reading regular email, but I could have written it from my spaceship. You Earthlings are so naive. We will take you with no problem.

Ok, but might I suggest you take Joan Lunden first? Never much cared for her myself.

I'm serious.

So am I.

Is it possible to wish for a new car and get one?

Sure. It's also possible to wish for a new car and not get one. Wishing is passive. I suggest you be a little more proactive. Meditate on the wish and I believe you'll see better results.

I think you're a major undiscovered talent, with your novel as proof of that. Write About Dogs is just an amazing book. Was writing that a catharsis for you?

It took me a long time to write and I went through many things in life while writing it, so by the end I was definitely a changed man from the one who had started it, so in that sense, yes it was a catharsis, but there wasn't any a-ha moment where I suddenly felt a release of emotion, like I had achieved some clarity about something. Instead, I prefer to think that I grew because of that book.

What are you currently reading?

A friend just loaned me his copy of True History Of The Kelly Gang by the Australian writer, Peter Carey, though I haven't started it yet.

My father is an abusive drunk and a bum. I hate him. He fell and split his head open on the stairs and he has been in the hospital for 4 days. It's so peaceful around here without him. I hope he never comes back. I want to buy your lottery book so I can get some money to get out of here. How much is it?

Oh honey, that book isn't what you need (though I've sent you a copy because it will help with your sense of self). You need to talk with someone about this. If your Mother is powerless to help you because she is in the same boat or worse, then seek a school counselor or a mental health counselor, or a physician who can refer you to one, but you should talk with people who can help you best manage the situation you're in.

I wrote you a while back thinking you would answer my question, but not realizing that you were going to publish it. At first I was really mad and I hated you for printing it - I didn't want the whole world knowing my problems - but then I realized that its anonymous, and I could see that maybe my question could help someone else besides me. So then I saw it as a good thing. Now I just wanted to let you know that your answer was a good one. It definitely helped me out. So thanks.

Ah, you're welcome. I just love a happy ending.

Can squirrels kill you? I was been bitten by one about a week ago and I have been obsessing about it ever since.

Assuming it wasn't a rabid squirrel (and they are few and far between), then I would not worry about it. So how do you stop worrying about it? Do whatever it takes to ease your mind. If you feel you need to go to a doctor, or a hospital, or a veterinarian, then go. If you want tests, then get them. Do whatever you must to assuage your apprehensions. Then let it go. Get on with your life. (Unless, of course, it was a rabid squirrel and you die from it and I was wrong.)

My wife is cheating on me. Strangely, I find it a turn on. But this is getting into some pretty weird territory for me (I'm a cop) and I'm afraid to let myself go there. But my fantasies about her and another guy are real strong. What should I do about this?

I don't know what you should do about this. Only you know. If you want to act on your fantasies, talk to your wife about it. If you don't, then that's another choice with another set of circumstances and consequences. So, what do you want to do?

My boyfriend is a freak. Me, I'm sort of a closet freak. The thing is, my parents are visiting this weekend and they don't have a clue. Should I introduce my boyfriend to them? And what if they can't handle him?

If you want to save yourself some grief, forget the boyfriend. If you want to shock and bewilder your parents, invite him to tea.

What are you doing for your mother this Mother's Day?

Actually, I will be visiting her. And I will be gone next weekend because of it. Now, what are you doing for your mom?

I want to be famous so bad that I will do almost anything. Is there any way you can help me become famous? I will do almost anything.

Nah, wrong guy. See, for me, there is no value in being famous; for you, that's all there is. So you need help from someone who thinks like you.

We bought a run down house and planned on fixing it up to sell it. But my wife just loves the house now that it's all redone and doesn't want to sell or move. But I want to get rid of it for the cash we can make. This is causing a major problem in our marriage not to mention our financial picture. Any suggestions?

If your wife wants to stay, stay. The house will still be worth the money when and if you do sell it (later). You're not really losing the equity you put into it, you are merely delaying the payout. In the meantime, your wife is happy at home. Or, of course, do whatever you want and live with the results of that.

I have a problem that has been getting worse and worse. My wife is obese. She eats junk food 6 nights a week for dinner and every day for lunch. She has ballooned from a couple of hundred pounds to about 400. Her job fired her because she couldn't fit into the cubical anymore. I'm getting scared that she is eating herself to death. We've talked about it but she just gets defensive and then binges more. Our food bills take up almost 2/3rds of my paycheck. It's outrageous. We need help.

You're right, you need help. I can only urge you to call your physician or your local Mental Health Center to see what programs or therapies are available for your situation.

I'm getting drunk today and having sex with a stranger. I decided that was what I was going to do if I wasn't married by age 40, and today's the big day. I may be a spinster, but I'm going to be a red hot one. Wish me luck!

For what? For stupefying yourself with alcohol and getting laid? Come on. You sound like you're giving yourself a loser's consolation prize. Change your attitude, girl! I say, go out and get a makeover, buy a new dress, look and feel as good as you can, and then go out feeling great about yourself, drink moderately, and see what happens. Can you see the difference between this kind of attitude and just throwing yourself out there like some fish on dry land?

Can a tree feel pain?

I think the tree is fully aware when things happen to it or when the tree is killed. Is it painful? One would think...

I've recently found out that my husband is bisexual. I'm so conflicted about this confession. One part of me deplores the thought of him with another man, and then another part is really turned on by the thought of a threesome. What should I do?

It's not going to go away. He isn't going to suddenly "snap out of it" and go all hetero again. So if you like the idea of being involved in a threesome, then I suggest you try it. Maybe all needs can be met this way. If not, you can still deplore it later.

I am a priest and I have found a great deal of the stuff you have said on this website to be offensive. What is it young man, that you have against God?

Yikes! This from a guy who is drenched in dogma, abstains from sex (like that's normal), wears big honkin' robes with ridiculous hats, and practices rituals that have as much to do with 21st Century life as, well, the dead Latin they're written in? Nice judgmental attitude you got going there, padre. Now that's offensive.

We had a parent-teacher meeting and was informed that our little girl ain't so smart. So now my husband wants to buy a Harley with the money we got saved (that money was given to her by her grandma for her college). Unfortunately it don't look like she's going to no college. But I want to redo the kitchen with the money! We can't afford no Harley. You tell him.

The money should go to your daughter. It should stay right where it is until she is old enough to need it. In other words, you two should keep your mitts off it. Your greed is most unappealing and you both look bad for showing it.

I'm really into paragliding. You do any extreme sports?

Nope, unless you count drinking beer straight from the bottle extreme.

I am a woman and I want to get a tattoo. I want to get it in a very intimate place, but I'm shy about having some guy I don't know right there, if you know what I mean. Is there any way around this?

A female tattoo artist?
A fake tattoo you can stencil on yourself?

I was quite taken with your book. It has opened my eyes in a lot of ways. I don't like some of what I see, but I'm compelled to look just the same. Thanks for being a part of my journey.

And you mine.

I have read your book and loved it. I have tried the relaxing and visualizing that you suggested in your book but I always end up falling to sleep no matter how much sleep I have had or what time of day or any position I am in. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do different as I really do want to accomplish this and be a success at it. I am in my early sixties, do you think this has anything to do with it, and will I be able to master this and be a successful manifester?

Answering the last part of your question first, I do not believe that age has anything to do with one's ability to meditate. After all, your mind is ageless and that is the part of yourself that you are exploring. This is not to say that medication, fatigue, stress or other life factors are not inhibiting your concentration levels. But I don't believe age is one of them.
Now, about drifting off to sleep during your visualizations: This is a common experience with many people and is indicative of how relaxed you are during your meditation. So first off, I would suggest you practice meditating in a sitting, upright position (if you are lying down, the tendency toward sleep is greater). Try and pick the same time every day to meditate. The mornings are usually good for this as one is better rested (and less likely to go back to sleep), and your whole day is in front of you so anything is possible - even manifesting your dreams and visualizations. If you want, you can also set an alarm clock to go off in 20-40 minutes from when you start your meditating. This will condition you to knowing there is a specific window of time in which to accomplish your meditation and may well help keep you on task (if however, this feels like pressure, then don't use the alarm). Either way, I suggest you set yourself with a specific target visualization that you will practice. Make it the same one every session, every day, over and over. Every time you start imagining it, I want you to be aware of committing 100% of your focus to creating (and believing) the visualization. In other words, the relaxing part of meditation, where you are quieting yourself and clearing the way for your visualization, is where many people start to drift off to sleep. But remember, the relaxing part is just so you can be completely and 100% focused on your visualization when you do it. If you make your visualization the key component to your meditation, then you will be less likely to drift off while preparing yourself to do the visualization.

My brother wants me to raise his daughter so he can go off to an ashram and live. If finding inner peace requires you to saddle your sister with the burden of your children, then I don't want any part of it. But I told him to be fair, I would write and ask you about it. So? Should I sacrifice my life so he can get spiritual?

It seems obvious that you are not keen on your brother's plan. So make a new plan.

I love to travel and my husband doesn't. When I travel alone, as I have done before, I have affairs and one night stands. On my last trip, in bed no less with a man I had met only minutes before, it dawned on me - is my husband also having affairs when I'm gone?! Because I don't want that. The whole thing has made me not want to go anywhere now. Isn't that funny?

Ha ha.

Can you be more specific about your outdoor water fixtures? We are mostly interested in your architectural fountains. Thanks.

I know I was just gone for 4 days, but did I miss something? Help?

Is there any new original thought that hasn't already been thought by someone else before?

If it's new to you, it's new.

The west coast of Canada is incredibly beautiful. My wife and I have decided to move to Canada to escape the stupidity of George Bush. Isn't that what you did?

It's true, I fled Ronny Raygun and all that he stood for.

I own rental units where I secretly tape my tenants. I have on tape many instances of them willfully wrecking my apartments. Can I sue them with this evidence?

Are you kidding me? You have hidden cameras and you secretly tape your renters?! Yeah, I'd say a lawsuit is possible - though not the one you're thinking about.

My computer makes chunky noises. Any idea what it might be?

I love that, chunky noises. Just imagine the sound! Honey, if my computer chunked, even once, I'd have that puppy fixed.

My wife bet me that I couldn't eat 15 hamburgers when we were in Britain - this was during the foot and mouth disease going on too - but I did and I won. Now she is welching on the bet. Which was that she has to dress like a whore when we got back home and walk around the mall like that. Now she's refusing. Tell her she has to pay up.

Wow, some stunning examples of the best of mankind here, folks.

Is it ok to feel blue occasionally? How often does it have to happen before it is officially depression? How long does depression take to cure?

You need to ask your physician or a mental health professional these questions. That's what they're there for.

If you shut the site down, will you still be in business?

Yes, we will continue to sell our books through other online booksellers such as Amazon.com.

If you accept advertising, couldn't you pay your hosting fees that way?

Yes, but it really clunks up a site. We have resisted doing that and if we had to do it to stay alive, I'm not sure we'd want to.

What if you increased the number of things you sell on your site? Add more merchandising and make more money.

Sure, we could sell more stuff I suppose. Hey, a KeithDoll!

Make this a subscription site.

What, and have people confuse us with Microsoft?! Nah, I don't think so.

I'd pay to see you nude. How about an x-rated pay section?

Um, I like that idea...

I don't want to see you shut the site down. I don't want to pay either. So you better figure out how to keep it going just as it is. Ok?

Ok.

Sure, Paul was the cutest, but George was the Beatle for me. I just read in People that he has cancer. Poor George. That makes me sad. But I still love him. Who was your favorite Beatle?

No favs, they were all fab.

You sound like a down to Earth person, not spacey at all. Are you?

I like to think so. 'Course, ask someone else who knows me and they might snort, "You've got to be kidding. Keith? We talking about the same Keith?"

I know this is a familiar thing by now, but my wife has several cyber lovers. One of them lives in our city and I am afraid she will meet him at a motel. How do you stop this behavior?

Fix your relationship. This fear of yours and her flirting outside the marriage is indicative of problems in your relationship. Fix your relationship.

What are you doing at this exact moment?

Eating cold pizza and typing with one finger, trying hard not to drop too much stuff on the keyboard.

What is the biggest difference between Canadians and Americans?

Americans wear trench coats. You'd never see a Canadian in a trench coat. I think that's the biggest difference.

I caught my son spying on our exceedingly attractive young neighbours with his binoculars. When I looked through them, I saw that he had been watching them making love. Only I couldn't stop watching them. My son went and got his father who caught me spying on them. Awkward, yes? But when I gave Frank the binoculars, he couldn't stop looking either. Couldn't very well admonish the boy now could we? My husband went out and bought two more sets of binoculars. Now we all watch them and I must say it has brought us closer together as a family.

Yowza. What a planet.

My wife has purchased the scantiest bikini for our upcoming vacation to St. Thomas. I told her she was not wearing that in public, but she has assured me that she most definitely is. Every guy will be drooling over her. I'll be jealous the whole time. I just want to relax. I don't know what's gotten into her. Do you?

Uh, no. Have you asked her?

My daughter went on an archaeological dig in Turkey or somewhere over there and fell in love with this Ethiopia guy who was packing rocks out of the dig and who doesn't even speak English. She can't even talk to him and she says she wants to marry him. I'm not stupid, my daughter is homely and she lives alone. I'm sure she is a very lonely girl. Just as I'm sure that even rock packers can recognize a green card when they see one. I don't care if she marries him, or even if he dumps her once he get to the States, but I just don't want to see her hurt. That would break me up. How can I best help her?

Let her live her life. If she thinks she is in love and wants to marry this man, then let her do what she wants. It may be the best thing that ever happens to her, it may be the worst, but it is what she wants to do. Let her live her life. Support her completely. Cheer her up if her choices go awry; cheer her on if they are successes.

This is to bikini guy - as one of the guys who would be drooling over your wife and her scanty frock - I say, leave her alone. The only thing that gets hurt is your ego and that's why you're being such a jerk. It boosts her self-esteem to be admired. And like I'm always telling my wife - it don't hurt to just look. So button up ego boy and let her show her body off to those who will appreciate it.

Scanty frock?

I hope you don't shut the site down. Have you decided what to do?

Not yet.

I saw my Mom naked and now I'm having all these fantasies about her. Is this normal?

You didn't say how old you were or where on the scale of sexual development/maturity you reside. So given that, I'd say...beats me.

Have you ever thought about opening up an erotic stories section on the site? Would you like me to send you some of my stories?

No to both questions. But thank you for suggesting and asking.

Here we go again. My boyfriend, who had settled down for a while, is back to having sex with anything that's not tied down. I'm not jealous, just worried about STD's and AIDS. He quit before when I said I was going to leave him. Should I threaten that again? And what if he won't quit? I don't really want to leave. What should I do?

I don't know what it's going to take for you to live with it. But it seems like you're bound to find out. And I assume that when you can't live with it anymore, you'll leave.

Do you think you're cynical?

I can be. Why?

Just some of your answers. Maybe these people need something more from you than a funny comment.

I live a great life, in a beautiful place I love, with the woman I love, doing what I want to do. That didn't happen by accident. That's all I'm saying, pal.

Yeah, but it could be so much more.

It's everything I want it to be. I'm a happy man living a good life. Who else would you want to listen to advice about life from?

No, I mean you could be political and stuff.

I've hacked at George Bush (and I'm sure I will again).

No, I mean-

I know what you mean. What you mean is, you want my site to be something else - something you want it to be. But that's another site - your site. See?

It's pretty obvious that you are unwilling to take a mighty stand against a world full of terrorists and repressors. In my world, that is cowardly. In my world, people like you are- need I go on?

Absolutely not.

I think you should add some new features to your site. I think you should write more new stuff and do that. What do you think?

I am thinking about all that and more or less. Thank you for your thoughts.

Tanya is my dog and I love her dearly. My sister has a cat, Peebles, that Tanya hates and is always getting into fights with. My sister asked me the other day if our pets might tear us (me and her) apart. I never thought about that. Could my sister and I be driven apart by our pets?

Only if Tanya kills Peebles or Peebles kills Tanya. If that happens, then you and your sister might have some issues.

My wife got me a bunch of thong underwear. I am turned on wearing them around her, but totally embarrassed any other time I have them on. They feel especially silly under my business suits. I keep having these bad daydreams where I get in an accident and am at the hospital and they see I am wearing a thong! - or the guys at the gym! Any suggestions?

Wear what you're comfortable wearing. Jim and the twins don't care how they're dressed. Obviously, you do.

How do you go from not really believing you can consciously win the lottery to truly believing you can? When I meditate/visualize I try to believe I have in fact won the lottery. But, I find that those doubts that I won't win still pop into my mind. Do I continue on? Will those doubts eventually disappear the longer I meditate?

Good questions. You know what is so great about winning a championship (in anything)? You no longer have doubts that you can do it. If you haven't won one, you don't really know if you can. Now this uncertainty doesn't stop you from trying to win one, so you still play hard and hope that you can (win), and when you do, there is no mystery about how you did it, because you just experienced it. Right? Well, make the lottery that championship. Don't make the lottery something foreign (to you), make it familiar. Make it something you have already done. Try and relate back to a time in your life where you have successfully achieved a championship. This could be a sporting event, a spelling bee, anything that saw you through to the end successfully. There's no mystery in how you did it, right? You experienced it from start to finish, right? Well, if you relate the lottery to something else with which you have already experienced success, then the lottery becomes just another event, like that past championship, and not this impossible-to-achieve-once-in-a-million thing that is now a part of your belief system. Don't see the lottery as "the lottery", see it as that championship you already won. Make it familiar.

I find your advice to be right on the mark. Do you consider yourself a role model?

Haw! Good one. Role model? Good one.

I watch all these cooking shows but I never make any of the dishes. Why do I do this?

Hmmm, let's see...Ok, I give up. Why do you do it?

My son just signed his first major league contract! My son is a professional baseball player! I am so proud I'm ready to burst. This is a lifelong dream of mine fulfilled. I'm so happy! The reason I'm writing is that you say I can now take a triumph like this and apply it to other things? How does that work?

Congratulations on achieving your dream! That is some wonderful stuff. How does this apply to other things? You now make other dreams (and goals) and you fulfill them exactly as you did this one: by using all your personal powers to bring it into reality. And what exactly are your personal powers? They are your desires, intentions, and right actions furthering your goals. They are your beliefs and your thoughts, one at a time, defining and redefining those goals, filtering and focusing your vision all the way to your desired end. This current event is a template. You have achieved a dream! You can now do that over and over with any dream you desire. ANY dream.

My daughter wants to be a model. I am abhorred by this! I think those woman are nothing more than chain smoking, drug taking, overpaid, anorexic moron girls. My daughter wants to be one and that makes me sick. Do any of your books have stuff on brainwashing?

Sure, they're full of brainwashing. I have a whole section on models too. Juuust kidding. Look, help her live her life as best you can and then get out of her way so she can live it. Be there if she fails, cheer her if she succeeds. It is, after all, her life.

Is that really a picture of you and the Big O?

It is indeed. That was when he was playing for the NBA's Cincinnati Royals.

I just love Russell Crowe. He is such a MAN, not like all the wimpy losers I date. Do you know Russell? Does he date just regular normal girls? Could you put in a good word for me? Thanks for all your help.

All I know about Russell Crowe is he owes me 50 bucks and I'm not talking to him until he pays up. So it might be a while, honey.

Can you trust someone you just met?

Yes. No. Sometimes.

My name is Miss Vickey and I am a teacher in the seventh grade. I found your website bookmarked on our school computers and I must say that I find your advice suspect and often egregious. You are why the Web is a dangerous place.

Gee Miss Vickey, I wish I could stay and chat, but corrupting children is a full time job. So much corruption, so many kids, so little time. Ta.

What if Miss Vickey is right?

Think for yourself, man! Don't let the narrow-mindedness and fearfulness of the Miss Vickeys of the world decide your thoughts for you. Be bold, think for yourself.

You know how Miss America always wants peace in the world? Well what if we hold her to it! If she doesn't make peace in the world she has to give back her crown. I say we do quarterly reviews of her peace initiatives and the impact of them upon the world.

You have way too much time on your hands.

I'm from England. I am coming to Canada this summer, is it possible to meet with you?

It's possible...(so coy!). Do write more.

When we are going through tough times, my wife and I turn to the Bible for solace. Are you a fan of the good book?

Never read it myself.

I love it that your site is going to still be published. Thanks!

It's true, we'll continue to operate like normal. Thanks for your support.

My boyfriend is trying to seduce my Mom. He denies it and she denies it but I can tell. What sucks is now I can't even dump him because he'll start to date my Mom. How gross is that?!

Ew.

Can you actually win money from the thoughts that are in your head?!

Yes. FOUND MONEY will explain how to do so.

How much can you win?

How big can you dream?

It sounds...too incredible.

It is incredible. Trust me, life is much bigger and weirder than you could ever imagine. So open up your mind to all possibilities and things will seem less incredible (read mystical) - but more malleable. You can do a LOT with your life (through your thoughts). Check it out, you might just be very surprised at what you find.

I've had it with my wife's brother. He comes over all the time and drinks our beer and eats our food. He watches my satellite TV and passes gas and is a big slob. How can I get rid of the bum?

Some ideas to mull over:
1.) Don't feed him, don't water him, don't entertain him.
2.) Move.
3.) Divorce your wife (and by proxy, him).
4.) Verbally abuse him. Physically threaten him.
5.) Take out all the fun food and replace with tofu. Remove all beer from the premises. Reset the channel programming to only ballet shows and intellectual round table discussions of the European economy.
6.) Tell him to respect the place or get the hell out and don't come back. (There will be a big fight with your wife about this one so be prepared to weather out the storm.)
7.) Have YOUR obnoxious relatives start doing the same thing and see how long your wife can stand it. Then reach a mutual agreement with her to throw everybody out.

I think you're a riot. Your site is different than any other one I've ever come across. I'd be willing to bet that if you got some exposure, a lot of people would like to read what you have to say. It just so happens that I am a representative for a national marketing firm...

Spam is spam. Be gone with you.

Do you play golf?

I've hacked up a course or two in my time.

What kind of equipment do you use?

I use golf clubs. The reason I don't use, say, my hockey equipment, is that I'm a left handed shot in hockey but I play golf right handed.

No, I mean-

I know what you mean. Actually, my clubs lay dormant in my office - and will remain so until Tiger Woods stops running from my challenge and finally comes to play me. Why is he stalling? Why will he take on Phil and Sergio and Mike Weir and not me? One very simple reason: he's fearful. So he practices avoidance behavior. What can I say?

Why is Tiger ducking you?

He owes me $50 bucks and I'll continue calling him out until he pays up.

My mother is Jewish and my father is Hindu. Which religion should I take up?

I believe neither. I say think for yourself. Find your own inner core and relate to it. The spirit is within.

My 11 year old stepson spray painted the walls of our bathroom black. His father took his side and said that it was ok, he was just expressing his rage this way. I do not think it's ok and want to punish the little brat. But without the support of my husband, the kid won't listen to me "cause I'm not his real mom". What can I do?

Don't focus on the results - find the reasoning behind the action. If you don't address this, he will continue to act out.

Is it true that to gain enlightenment you have to give up sex, drugs and rock and roll?

Waaait a minute - I thought those were the very things that allowed you to achieve nirvana?

I'm kind of serious. Can you be a party slut and still get into heaven?

A party slut...I like that. It's cute in a truthful, trampy way. Don't worry dude, your personal heaven awaits. Everyone's does. You don't have to do anything other than die. All the rest is dross.

My girlfriend calls me Pookie in public and it embarrasses me. She says that I'm cute when I'm embarrassed so that's why she does it. Whatever. But now everyone calls me Pookie and I hate it. I want to kill everyone every time they say it. How can I get rid of this nickname?

If Pookie.com isn't yet taken, get it. Post the most vile and offensive anti-Pookie message you can and then refer everyone to it. Also, you'd better tell them what you want your new nickname to be. End with something like...And now all you cretins, from now on, call me Thor (or whatever you pick), see. Simple. Digital. So so modern.

You ever do stand up comedy?

Not intentionally.

What's on "the other side"?

Greener grass?

I am currently being sued by my neighbor for building my swimming pool partly onto his property. It was an honest mistake but our contractor has bailed on us and my wife and I are having to fight this ourselves. Short of tearing it out, is there anything we can do?

Invite your neighbors to use the pool any time they please? Pay them compensation for the overage? Actually, it sounds like if anybody should be sued, it's the building/pool contractor. Who did the original layout? Who secured the permits? Someone is responsible. Too bad it had to happen.

If diets don't work - and they don't because I have tried every one ever made - then how do you lose weight?

Let me ask you a question first: Why have you been eating so much that you are gaining weight? Figure that out and you will answer your own question.

I put my wife up to having sex with my straightlaced boss on a company trip. I want to sue him (and since he was representing the company, the company too) for sexual harassment. I was planning on leaving the firm anyway, but I figure all this will give me leverage for a great compensation package. I'm sure they'd pay a pretty penny to be rid of me and my lawsuit, don't you think, heh heh?

You had your wife screw your boss so you could cut a better deal when you left the company? What a sleaze.

My ex owes me millions fer child support. He is skum (sic). I heard from his coussin (sic) he has a new rich girlfriend. Why shouldnt she pay what he owes me since shes got the money? Its for his kids. Im going to call the bitch.

Whew. Buck up, honey, only 4,359 more lives to live. The beginning ones are the toughest. Hang in there. For now, do what you gotta do.

How worried are you about brain damage from your cell phone?

I don't have a cell phone. My brain is just fine, thank you.

What! How can you live without a cell phone?!

I live in a small town. We don't even have regular phones here. Everyone is within yelling distance. Tee hee.

I couldn't live without my cell phone, pager and Palm.

You're you. I'm me. Different lives. Different accouterments.

I wish you'd write another novel. Have you started one?

No. But thanks for your good wishes.

I really like your lottery book! It's very positive and encouraging. Is it fun to write and publish your own ideas?

It is fun. I'm doing exactly what I want to do. Not many people can say that and mean it.

When visualizing winning the lottery is it best to replay one scene over and over as opposed to a few different scenes? Is it easier (faster) for the subconscious mind to accept if your picturing the exact same thing over and over for 30 minutes every day? Thanks I hope that made sense.

Yes, it should be the same thing every time. It can be one scene or a whole scenario, but it should be the same ones each time, with the same results each time. I don't know about the subconscious acceptance thing as this is a technique to consciously win the lottery.

Help, squirrels are eating all my bird seed. What should I do?

Nothing. They too need food to live. Broaden your horizons.

My wife relentlessly kills all the weeds in our garden. She hunts them down. I think it's obsessive behavior and not good for her. So what if a few weeds grow? How can I get her to mellow out more?

How long is growing season? A few months? Let her be, I guess, though intentionally killing anything (even weeds) is anti-spiritual and a behavior that ought to be reexamined.

Our whole family hot tubs nude. However, our kids are now 17-22, fully developed in every way (ahem), and my wife and I are getting a bit uncomfortable about it. Is it still appropriate for all of us to do this together?

You're talking about a family lifestyle issue so I couldn't tell you if it's right for you or not. I will say, however, that if you are questioning it, you must have reasons. Better examine those, find out what your intuition is telling you, and go with that.

Do you like cats?

I do indeed.

My sister-in-law is a bitch and is always spying on me to rat to her mother about what a bad wife I am to their little Joey. I have a friend who steals Internet identities (and resells them to other hackers). I'm thinking about having him steal hers just to make her life miserable. Any good reasons to stop me from doing this?

Aw, don't do it. Look, if you don't let what she says and what she does (in her small little life) bother you, then she will cease to have any power over you. And you won't hate her anymore because you will not care about her (or what she does) anymore. In others words, you (and your reactions) are giving her credence. When you stop doing that (reacting), she becomes insignificant. You must change, not her. Get it?

Are you comfortable with the notion of death?

I don't think it's a notion, but I am comfortable with the concept. I'm not going to riff on death because it's not an intellectual event, it's experiential. It doesn't matter what is said about it, it only matters doing it. And we all will. Do it.

I've been growing marijuana for personal use for over twenty years. Do you think the Drug Gestapo will even lighten up about weed and legalize it?

Yes, I do. Whether that happens in your lifetime or not, I can't say.

I went to Utah State with you! As a matter of fact, you and I made out at a party once. I can't believe you're on the Internet! Anyway, just wanted to say hi.

Utah State? Sorry darlin', but you must have me confused with another guy who's not me.

If the Dalai Lama lives his life over and over and keeps coming back as the Dalai Lama, how will he ever move onto the further planes of existence? And what kind of person would want to repeat the same life again and again?

I couldn't say. I believe you'd have to ask him that.

If you didn't go to Utah State, where did you go?

Ohio State.

In hockey, what does a "power forward" mean?

Physical abuse in the corners, a constant offensive threat, a hard man to move away from the front of the net.

My life sucks and I have come to the conclusion that God is dead.

You poor thing, nihilism is such a tough row to hoe. There are other life options, you know.

Tell me something I never suspected.

This is the end of Q&A 4. Ha! Of course, after every ending there is a beginning. So let Q&A 5 begin!