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KeithSpeak-September 2022


September 2, 2022
She was 39 and had never been confident in her looks. In the mirror she saw only flaws and had nothing but criticisms for her face and body. She had never been kissed, had a date, boyfriend or sex. But all that changed when she took a vacation to Italy, Greece and Turkey. There she was hit on constantly, pinched on her ample rear by strangers and leered at by men twice her age. She loved it. For the first time in her life she felt desirable. She found herself flirting back, complimenting other women in the hopes that more might follow and indulging in her newly discovered carnal desires. The question for her was, would she revert back to her old self once the holiday was over?
September 3, 2022
Have you ever had something unfold so slowly that it appeared to be in slow motion. You know, where you could see what was coming long before it came. Where the words they were speaking were garbled like the tape had been slowed down. No? It's just me then?
September 4, 2022
Overheard two women at the doctor's office.
-- Miriam! I haven't see you in ages!
-- Hi Julia.
-- What are you here for?
-- Nice. You haven't seen me for ages and the first thing you want to know is what my sickness is. Nothing about Grant or the kids or your kids, just straight to why are you ill, Miriam.
-- I'm sorry, Miriam. I didn't mean anything by it. I was just being chatty, not nosy.
-- Yeah, well that's not how it came out.
-- I mean, we're at the doctor's office so I don't think I was that inappropriate.
-- Well you were.
-- Now I remember why we haven't seen each other in ages. You're still a pain in the ass, Miriam. And if that's what you're at the doctor's office for, well pardon me.
-- Listen to you. They don't call you Snooty Julia for nothing.
-- Who says that? Who is they? Tell me one person besides you just making that up who's ever said that.
-- Everyone says it. You're snooty. And now you're at the doctor so you're sick. Sick and Snooty Julia.
-- I was being nice calling you a pain in the ass, Miriam. You're a bitch.
-- Look, why don't we just never talk to each other again?
-- Fine by me.
-- Good.
September 5, 2022
Overly optimistic people are often ridiculed and laughed at for their Pollyannaish attitudes and bright outlook. They are called foolish and naive. They are fair game for derision and mockery. Why is that? Why is it easier to be cynical, mean, derisive and pessimistic?
September 6, 2022
If you're going to blame anyone for something you're involved in, blame yourself. You're involved, aren't you? Take responsibility for the fact that you're there. Blaming someone else for your situation is just a way of avoiding any responsibility for your being there at all. Well you can't learn anything that way.
September 7, 2022
For my Dad's generation, today was a day of infamy. For my generation, it's just September 7th.
September 9, 2022
Bad news came and went yesterday. I found out an old crony is doing a 5-7 year stretch for attempted murder. I found this out because his wife called, told me she was crazy horny and wanted to hook up. When I informed her that wasn't going to happen, she asked if I knew another mutual friend's number so she could call him. By the way, who did he attempt to murder? Me, she said, for cheating. Wow.
September 10, 2022
Overheard a couple at the furniture store.
-- This is the one! I love this mattress! Come lay down here.
-- Oh Harry, I'm wearing a skirt. We're in a public place.
-- We're here to buy a new bed, Jenny. You have to try it out.
-- Ok.
-- What do you think?
-- It is rather nice.
-- I could die in this bed.
-- You're joking, right?
-- It's so comfortable!
-- If you die in this bed, Harry, it will be no good for anyone after that. Corpses rot. The bed will be ruined. No one will want to sleep in it after you die in it.
-- What are you talking about?
-- Suddenly you're talking about this bed killing you-
-- No. I said I could die in it, not that it would kill me.
-- But you'd still be dead!
-- I meant that it's so comfortable that I could go to sleep and never wake up.
-- What an awful thing to say, Harry! We are NOT buying this death bed! Come on, get up.
-- Wait, Jenny. So we are not going to buy the most comfortable bed we've ever laid down on in favour of a less comfortable one because you have some irrational fear the comfortable bed is going to kill me. Is that right?
-- Think they still make water beds?
September 11, 2022
I know a gal nicknamed Depressed Mary because, well, she's depressed and her name is Mary. Anyway, we chatted today and she told me she's especially depressed because Winter will soon be here and everything will be gray and drab and she didn't like that at all. Sad, no? Perhaps some color? Feel better?
September 13, 2022
Yikes, I'm going out of the country for the next two weeks. I am not taking a computer with me. This means the site will not be posted, e-mail will not be answered and book orders will go unfulfilled. I will be back at the end of September. Of course, I'll miss you and think of you every day, just as I'm sure you will do with me. Right? Right?!
September 27, 2022
I'm back. Sort of. Got in late and have a million and one things to attend to. I will be more fun tomorrow. Later, my pretties.
September 28, 2022
On my trip I saw:
a 3 legged dog
a girl skinny dipping in broad daylight
TSA discovering a handgun in a backpack
two children on leashes like they were a couple of Golden Retrievers
an inebriated airline captain
$9 bottles of water
an obese child eating two ice cream cones (one in each hand)
an optimist believing the airlines will find his lost luggage
too many entitled people
too many acts of impatience.
September 29, 2022
What a welcome back greeting! During our absence:
-- the washing machine fried the controller and doesn't work now.
-- the newly installed furnace had a malfunctioning condensate pump which spewed water for weeks into our basement, ruining the carpet and underlayment.
-- the cat sitter was a freakin' abomination.
-- our oven won't stay on, keeps flipping the breaker, and we can't figure out why.
-- my first calls back from holiday are to the plumber, electrician and appliance repair guy. Lordy. Maybe this is a sign to never leave home again?
September 30, 2022
Jeez, when it rains it pours. Now my router is acting less like a router and more like a petulant child that refuses to do what I ask and is in constant need of attention. That's it, I am never leaving home again.

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