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KeithSpeak - October 2022

 

 
 
 
October 3, 2022
It's a nice, cool Fall morning. Perfect for a hot tub dip. I strip down, open the door and step outside. Standing by the hot tub is a bear. Yikes. I reenter the house. She wanders off. When the coast is clear I head out to soak. The water is warm, inviting and damn! anything but relaxing. I keep expecting her to come back. I'm vigilant. My ears are pricked. This is ridiculous. It's not relaxing, refreshing or even one bit of enjoyable so I get out and head back inside. Not a minute later she reappears. She's standing by the hot tub as if to say, You coming? I've decided to name her Betty. It seems like a Betty thing to do. Ah, the rural life.
 
October 4, 2022
We took a wrong turn with the Internet. The whole thing should have been egalitarian. Just imagine if everyone was using their real names and responsible for the content they publish and post. Can you even?
 
October 5, 2022
You know how you end up saving every wretched cable, connector and electric cord from every silicone based item you ever owned, and when it broke, you got rid of the item but somehow kept the cords, you know, just in case you ever needed one? Um, you're never gonna need one. You're just going to continue to collect more cables, connectors and cords. Are too.
 
October 6, 2022
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Mr. Ryan,
It has come to my attention that a grievous mistake has been made by you. My name is Royston Kingston of the Royston Kingston Cable, Cord and Connector Company, Ltd. We are a venerable institution here in the UK and you sir, have impugned us. Your slapdash advice is a slap in the face to us, and frankly all of Britain and most of Wales. We ENCOURAGE our fine citizenry to keep, save and collect ALL cables, cords and connectors. At the very least they are tangible reminders of once great machines that are no more, a keepsake if you will, and at the very best a saved cable, cord or connector can rescue you in your moment of digital need. Therefore, I demand you print a retraction to your reckless statements regarding the need to no longer collect cables, cords and connectors.
 
Signed,
Royston Kingston
Royston Kingston Cable, Cord and Connector Company, Ltd.
U.K.
 
Dear Roy et al.,
No.
 
October 7, 2022
I saw someone I hadn't seen in 17 years. He is now completely gray and I wouldn't have even recognized him if not for his tattoos. He looked me over and said I looked like hell. Hey, this is about your looks, not mine. The nerve.
 
October 8, 2022
He was a real piece of shit and she was a real piece of work. They met under nefarious circumstances, consummated their relationship over a criminal act and in the process became wanted and notorious. In the end, both paid for their transgressions with their lives but not before online stupidity in the forums of social media raised their tawdry profiles to Sisyphean proportions and made of their deaths a Petri dish of conspiracy theories and idiotic comments. It was said of them:
 
"They're the modern day Bonnie and Clyde! only they're Lamont and Charleze. But what if we called them Bonnie and Clyde anyway! They're dead, they can't even object. It's perfect!"
 
"The cops killed them in cold blood. It was deliberate. Of course, they'll whitewash it."
 
"Man, I wish I could live fast and die young like them did."
 
"She wasn't much to look at and he was a real piece of shit, but I loved their daring idiocy and hapless blundering, leastways 'till they got killed. The cops, man."
 
"He was dirty in so many ways and she was a foul mouthed Karen but I loved them."
 
"They made my boring life exciting! Cool on them."
 
"I wished they had been dressed better when they were killed because I'll have those filthy clothes in my head forever!"
 
"I woulda had a machine gun and killed all them coppers instead of them having the machine guns and killing me, er, them."
 
"What kind of name is Lamont? That's a stupid name."
 
"Yeah man, but did he have to die for it?"
 
"They killed him 'cause of his name? Those bastards."
 
And so on. When all was said and done and things were thoroughly beaten to death, social media went on to the next elevated outrage and forgot all about the hapless small time criminal nobodies. So, um, what was the point of all the attention? The faux outrage? The urban folk tales? The conspiracy theorists using their pea sized brains to sleuth out what was never there in the first place?
Well, how about social media is just a mob of townsfolk marching toward the nearest wooden tower with their torches and pitchforks ready to set fire to the latest Frankenstein at the top. And after they burn it down they march on, ever mad, ever outraged for evermore. Isn't that about it?
 
October 10, 2022
I met a guy named Alain and a girl named Giselle down at the waterfront. Alain was from France and Giselle was from Quebec. They spoke no English. In silence we admired the exceptional view of our bay and its aquatic wildlife. Though I'm no introvert, I recognized that it was a dream meeting for one. No words needed to be exchanged, no small talk needed to be attempted. When it was time to leave, we waved goodbye to each other and that was that. Tidy, eh.
 
October 11, 2022
The news is constantly full of these douchebags, so I guess I have to state the obvious:
I don't give a fuck about mentally unbalanced Kanye West, world class loser and flaming pussy Trump, Pootie, any of the icky Kardashians, Goopy, every right wing Republican politician flapping their jaws with faux outrage because they are too illiterate and ignorant to address real issues, Hershel, yes-I-am-dumb-as-a-rock Walker, Madonna-the-desperate whoring for social media hits, Elon Musk, Joe Rogan, the massive creep that is Zuckerberg, every troll and underdeveloped chump at Fox News, Ronny fat ass DeSantis, and all the rest of these boring, stupid douchebags and their ilk. Mkay?
 
October 12, 2022
It is currently 3 degrees, so today I winterize: snow plow and chains on the tractor, assemble and stack the fire wood for winter, put away summer tools and implements and get out the winter ones. I must change the oil in the mowers, tractor, brush saw and truck. Then I shall climb up on the roof with all my brushes and extension rods to clean our chimneys of any creosote and soot from the previous winter. All of this will take a full day after which I shall sit back in contentment, beer in hand, knowing we are ready for the Canadian winter soon to come. So, um, what are you doing today?
 
October 13, 2022
I'm going out of town today to see how the rest of the world lives. I probably won't like it. I've been there before, you see. It's always too much of this and too little of that, isn't it. But I'll keep an open mind until the first thing that pisses me off sets the tone for the rest of the day. Grrrrr. Am I going alone, you may wonder? Nuh-uh. My gal shall be along from righteous beginning to dismal end. Oh, poor dear.
 
October 15, 2022
Can you believe this?! I have to go out of town again! My life is full.
 
October 17, 2022
Ok, I'm back. My dual out of town trips have left terrible emotional scars and I shall never be the same again, but I'm a survivor, so don't cry for me Argentina. Sadly, the people that live in these towns have no idea how bad they have it, otherwise they might move to wonderful little burgs like my own. Yikes. So mum's the word, eh.
 
October 18, 2022
Random thought:
Do spiders get caught in the web of other spiders?
 
Heard this explanation:
I completely understand why guys like Harvey Weinstein abuse positions of power. It's because they are unattractive and women have never given them the time of day. Ugly guys will always abuse positions of power and that is why.
 
This was a literal announcement:
If you don't vote for Billy J. Cavanaugh, that's me, you's pitiful and probably a drunk. That's right, I said it.
 
Not to be tried again:
He wanted to see what the taser felt like.
 
Sobering thought:
Nothing will focus you like your doctor saying you have 5 months to live.
 
For all the right reasons:
-- Oh, I dunno, Charlotte. I like him and all but...
-- But what?
-- Well, he treats me pretty good.
-- And?
-- And he's got a nice car...
-- And?
-- All right. He dances like a spaz.
-- First off, it's not cool to use that word, Linda. And nextly, if he can't dance he can't do other things as well, if you get my drift and I think you do.
-- Oh.
-- Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
-- Oh.
-- Dump him.
 
October 19, 2022
I don't know if I buy the adage that a picture is worth a thousand words. Who did the math on that? Why is there a word limit? Just exactly how did the creator of this phrase decide that a thousand words were worth exactly one picture? Cripes, I'm at 58 words already and I haven't even started. Who's in charge of adages? I should write a letter.
 
October 20, 2022
At 5 this morning I was in my office finishing up something on a deadline when I hear this low growling out my window. I peek out the curtains and see a coyote with its back pushed up against the fence cornered by a bear. Fortunately for the coyote, this is our hand made yard fence.
So the coyote continued to slowly back up, stepping over the cold rolled bars of steel until he had backed his way through the fence and escaped. The bear then went up to the fence and climbed over the top. What could have been an ugly fight and front yard slaughter turned out to be more of a Buster Keaton-esque real life escape from certain death. Cool.
 
October 21, 2022
She spoke in a low murmur. I had to ask her to repeat what she was saying multiple times. I started moving closer to her just so I could hear what she was saying. If she turned her head away to look at something, all was lost. Finally I told her that it was just too stressful trying to understand what she was saying and to carry on a conversation with her and that if she wouldn't talk louder, I was going to have to end this. Suddenly she got really loud. Whoa. Yelling that everyone wanted her to talk louder and she was sick of hearing it. "Sick I say!" Then she ended the conversation by walking away. Shit, that's still a win-win in my book.
 
October 23, 2022
We were at a small soiree when the husband of a neighbour sidled up to me and asked me what was my secret. My secret? Yeah, you know, how everyone likes you and seeks you out. What are you talking about? My wife and all the other wives talk about you like you're something else, so what's your secret? I've had my leg pulled before, so I knew the sensation. But he continued, To be honest, man, I just want to know how to be a little cooler than I am. Is that even possible? Jim, I said, if that is your real name, because I didn't know for sure, let me say this about that. You're an upright guy who treats everyone well and there is nothing uncool about that. He didn't know what to say so he left. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
 
October 24, 2022
Overheard two women at the pharmacy.
-- Anyway, Alfred says that he refuses to go to the Hunkers Halloween party because he refuses to wear a costume. But I want to go. I already have this cute maid outfit I purchased online and it fits like a glove! A very tight glove. A surgical glove. Alfred hates it.
-- Maybe he doesn't want to go because you look too sexy and he's jealous?
-- I thought of that - which is all the more reason to go! A jealous Alfred is at least an alive Alfred.
-- What do you mean?
-- He never wants to do anything. Even sex is a chore for him.
-- I wish we could switch. Tommy can't get enough. I'm wrung out like a rag doll.
-- Aren't we a pair.
-- What are you here for?
-- Viagra. You?
-- Saltpeter.
 
October 26, 2022
At some point you will realize that all of the knowledge and experience you possess is limited to this one lifetime and this one planet and that none of it would apply elsewhere. Do you think they brush their teeth on other planets? Have Welcome mats at their front doors? Square dance? My god, do you think they have telephones, Plymouths and beef jerky? Wake up, that's all Earth shit. None of that exists off this planet. So don't go somewhere else thinking that you know the score, because you won't. Ok? I'm just sayin'...
 
October 28, 2022
From the 80s, 90s and into the 2000s we had a washer/dryer pair that lasted for over 25 years. But of course, they don't make 'em like they used to. We are now on our 4th washing machine in the last 6 years. Expensive, big time name brands buying the farm almost as soon as the 1 year warranty expires. Bastards. The alternative is beating your clothes on a rock down by the river. Bastards.
 
October 29, 2022
I watched someone gloat over someone else in public. It was cringe worthy and unnecessary and embarrassing for both the gloatee and the audience witnessing the gloat. The gloater, however, was emboldened by having onlookers and segued from gloating to bullying which turned out to be too much for the crowd and the gloater/bullier was called out and told to simmer down, which he did. Question: Is boorish behaviour ever pretty?
 
October 31, 2022
It's Halloween. So, um, boo.
 

 
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