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KeithSpeak- November 2022

 

 
 
 
November 1, 2022
At the Halloween party she was dressed like a witch and her boyfriend was dressed as the tin man from The Wizard Of Oz. Someone asked her if she was the good witch Glinda or the Wicked Witch. She said she was just a generic witch and had nothing to do with The Wizard Of Oz. But no one believed her. The tin man was swaying everyone's opinion. Some people started calling her Glinda. It was a Halloween she would never forget.
 
November 2, 2022
You know how you wait for something to be over - a bad relationship, the last episode of a binged TV series, an unpleasant experience, a rotten life - but it never seems to come and you get more and more exasperated until you just can't stands it no more and you do something rash, unwarranted and probably foolish and wallah! you screw everything up. No? That's just me then?
 
November 3, 2022
On the "success" of a twice impeached, one term doofus, the conservatives now think that running a dim, pathological liar for a governing office is not only cool but "the new playbook". smh.
 
November 4, 2022
It's the first snow of the season, everything's blanketed in white, the flakes are small but steady, a harbinger of things to come. I dunno, we are the great white north, I want to see dinner plate sized flakes. Can we have another first snowfall? Is that wrong?
 
November 5, 2022
My dilemma
I ordered a product that turned out to be defective. The company was apologetic and sent me a replacement. It too malfunctioned. So my dilemma is this: should I give the product a 3rd try with yet another replacement or should I ask for a refund?
 
Pros - I liked the product for the short time it worked.
        - The company is overseas and yet they have been very responsive to my issues.
        
Cons - I'm afraid the replacement will also just fail like its predecessors.
        - I suspect this current batch of product might all be defective.
        - The company might think I'm scamming them with the free replacements.
 
So I punted. I told the company of my dilemma and I asked them whether I should try another replacement unit or get a refund. They have yet to respond, no doubt kicking my dilemma all the way up to the big cheese in charge who has been deliberating day and night since my request arrived on his desk. Or they could be just ignoring me.
 
November 7, 2022
Hearing a politician claim that god told her to run and god guarantees her a win is just some made up, ridiculous, delusional bullshit by someone lying to the people they supposedly want to represent. God, you say? Prove it, honey, because all we see is the same lame, tired, clichéd, dog and pony theatrics.
 
November 8, 2022
Responsible vs. Irresponsible
Responsible - He wanted to put up a windmill in their back yard. She wanted a hot tub. He convinced her that he could power the hot tub for free with his windmill so she agreed. They were sitting in the tub one night when the wind really picked up and the windmill started spinning faster and faster and began shaking violently and then a blade on the windmill went flying off and the seriously compromised, out of balance mill started making these metal to metal sounds to where they could hardly hear each talk so they decided it was time to go inside and do something else - Irresponsible.
 
November 9, 2022
Overheard two men arguing in the mall.
-- You were wrong about Daisy and you're wrong about Iris.
-- You're dating two women with flower names! Flowers stink. They smell, my friend.
-- You're just jealous that I have two girlfriends.
-- Maybe, but I would never date a bunch of flowers. Pun intended.
-- What are you talking about?
-- You couldn't find a Susie or a Nancy? Iris? Daisy? What's next Rose? Calla lily? Marigold?
-- Sorry, I still don't get it.
-- Flowers, Ron! Flowers.
-- So what, you hate flowers?
-- Well, duh. You think?
-- Who hates flowers?
-- Don't get me started.
-- It seems we already have.
 
November 10, 2022
I'm writing the script for a new series when the production entity calls and says the time frame has been moved up. They want me to write faster. Faster? You write at whatever pace you write. You might work longer, but that's not faster - it's actually the opposite of faster. But that's certainly not what you tell them. No, you tell them that it would be your pleasure to hurry things up. Then you just continue to work at whatever pace you work at. As any writer knows, deadlines are accomplished by working longer (not faster) and telling producers what they want to hear.
 
November 11, 2022
Met an un-vaxxed guy who has gotten COVID 3 times. He was coughing and had a runny nose and I asked him if he currently had COVID and he said, Nah, it's just a cold. But I had my doubts. Who gets COVID 3 times, gets sick a 4th time with the same symptoms, and assumes it's something else?
 
November 12, 2022
An old friend who's made something of himself got in touch. We chatted about this and that and then he told me that his marriage and family life were a sham. He said he spent so much time at work that his family became an afterthought. He runs a billion dollar company but couldn't tell you the ages of his kids. His wife has had multiple affairs and day drinks. He wanted to know what I would do in his situation. I told him he either keeps the course or changes it. What else is there?
 
November 13, 2022
Is this the future or the past?
 
 
November 14, 2022
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
CHET
There is no way I'm going to Mary's party.
 
ALANA
Fine. I'll go without you.
 
CHET
You wouldn't dare.
 
ALANA
Oh, I would. I can assure you I would.
 
CHET
And leave me with the baby?
 
ALANA
The baby's name is Horace, Chet.
 
CHET
I know that. I'll never forget that.
It's probably the worst name ever,
so I can assure you I would love to forget it
but that's impossible.
 
ALANA
You're impossible.
 
CHET
Is Carlo going to be there?
 
ALANA
I hope so. I love flirting with Carlo. Now there's a real man.
 
CHET
And what does that imply?
 
ALANA
Tonight, Carlo just might get lucky. Especially if you're not there.
 
CHET
That does it. I'm going to the party.
 
ALANA
And who's going to take care of baby Horace?
 
CHET
Screw baby Horace.
 
ALANA
That's not very nice.
 
CHET
Come on, let's go to the party.
 
ALANA
Seriously, what about Horace?
 
CHET
What about Carlo?
 
November 15, 2022
I've got 4 hard drives and all of them are full. Combined, there are many terabytes of information and the thought of going through those aged files just to eliminate some to make a little more room for others makes me more than a little ill. But I need the space. What to do? Obviously, buy another hard drive, silly. Throw that puppy on the daisy chain, move on, don't look back. There, that's tidy.
 
November 16, 2022
A little girl was writing longhand with a sharp pencil on a lined yellow tablet. She would jot down a sentence or two and then stop to think about what was next. Would it be more surprising to find a child who could write in cursive when schools don't teach it anymore, or the fact that this kid was creating rap lyrics? That's right, it was a white child writing rap lyrics on a park bench. A white girl child writing rap lyrics on a park bench in rural Canada. A white girl child writing rap lyrics longhand on a park bench in rural Canada. You don't see that every day.
 
November 17, 2022
I went down to the barn this morning and all around it in the snow were tracks I didn't recognize. At first I thought it was a human foot print but it was too undefined. But it was big, like a human's, but it wasn't. And it wasn't a bear track or any ungulate. There were no toe indentations so it wasn't Bigfoot unless he was wearing shoes. Most people would assume this is a big mystery but those of us with fertile imaginations can easily attribute this to an obvious visit by an alien with very large feet curious about human barns. There, that's tidy.
 
November 18, 2022
Do strangers unload on you or is it just me?
This guy I don't know tells me he doesn't trust his wife. He says she spends money recklessly and flirts with any dude that gives her a second glance. He says he doesn't know what to do anymore. I ask him if he's discussed his concerns with her but he shakes his head no. She has a temper, he informs me. And she will enact the silent treatment for days on end. Then I have to sleep on the couch with the cats. He looks sad. He finishes with, We just like different things, I guess. Well, it sure doesn't sound like a compatible marriage to me but it's obviously up to them to decide what to do, so I just said, Gee, that's too bad.
So again, do strangers unload on you or is it just me?
 
November 19, 2022
He was an unhappy hipster. He needed a new part for his waterbed, but the nearest waterbed store was in a town 100 kilometers away, and he didn't think he could ride his penny farthing bicycle that far. He was off grid and offline so no Internet waterbed parts purveyors would do either. And now it's started to rain. He sighed, took off his fedora, removed his hobnail boots, set down his manual typewriter and stared out the window. It's hard to be a hipster in 2022.
 
November 20, 2022
A priest, a donkey and a rabbit walk into a bar
The bartender says, What can I get you
The priest says, Closer to god
The donkey says, wait, donkeys don't talk
Neither do rabbits
Well doesn't that ruin the joke
 
November 21, 2022
Time is a mental construct. It does not exist. The space-time continuum is a good way for humans living in this reality to get a handle on our universe, but irrespective of this reality, time itself does not exist. We made it up because we think life is linear - past, present, future - but that's not true either. We are multidimensional beings, here, there, and everywhere. Am I hurting your brain? Should I stop?
 
November 22, 2022
Seriously, what do you think you're doing living a life? You think this is a one off shot - live once and you're done, forever dead? What's the point of that? Do you think that you're just a happenstance? A glitch in the matrix? Wake up. There are an infinity of realities. There are multiverses. There are other dimensions. And because there is no time, everything is happening all at once. Do you have any idea how your body runs without cognitive knowledge from you? You're heart is beating but you have no idea how that's happening. You are drawing breath every second of your life - HOW are you doing that? Wake up. You are part of something way bigger than you could ever imagine. I can assure you, there is much more, much much more than this. So live your life as if it matters, because it does.
 
November 23, 2022
-- I've been out at sea for 7 months.
-- You smell like it.
-- You're a feisty one.
-- I'm a female. Something tells me any female would do at this moment.
-- Fancy a tussle, milk maid girl?
-- So debonair.
-- You know, in the movies we would bicker with each other at first - like now - and then in the second act we would make passionate love and everything would change.
-- Yeah, and by act four you'd go out to sea for 7 more months and what am I suppose to do?
-- Wait for me.
-- Dream on, sailor boy. I'm hot. I could have any guy. I ain't waitin' for your skinny ass to come floating home.
-- What if I just pay you?
 
November 24, 2022
A friend called and said his wife was sick and their energetic dogs were driving her nuts so could he come over and run his beasts in our field to scrub off some of their zest? Bring your snowshoes I advised, and when he and his pets arrived, we hiked up into our snow laden property and trekked for hours. By the time we returned, the dogs were knackered. We too were spent, his wife got some peace and quiet and I got to catch up with a friend. Simple, exhausting, quality of life stuff.
 
November 25, 2022
Overheard a customer and merchant at a store.
-- How much is this?
-- That depends. Are you a local or a tourist?
-- What's the difference?
-- 20 dollars.
-- Ok then, I'm a local.
-- Then add 20 dollars onto the price on the bottom.
-- I said I was local!
-- Yes, all the locals get charged more because I hate this town and most of the people in it. I drive in from Kamloops every day because I refuse to live here. So if I have to be here and suffer, then so do the locals.
-- Ok, I'm a tourist.
-- Then the price on the bottom is the price, but I'll need to see a driver's licence with your address on it to confirm that.
-- I have to show you ID to buy some tchotchke? Forget it. What a ripoff. I'm not showing you shit.
-- Ha, you are local. Otherwise you wouldn't be protesting so much. I suspected it all along.  You want that, add 20 bucks to the price.
-- Screw you.
-- My sentiments exactly.
 
November 26, 2022
Free speech isn't really free. There is a personal cost when you spout off in public - the opinion of others. The defense of your ideas will be your only shield against the onslaught of people you piss off and the brickbats they hurl. It's a contentious world out there; saying stuff out loud seems to have diminishing returns. In other words, speak publicly at your own peril.
 
November 27, 2022
I met this fascinating guy with the most annoying wife. He was into all kinds of weird and wonderful projects but his wife kept butting in with useless twaddle and amorphous drivel. It was as if she knew he was the more interesting human and that once again she would be ignored so she butted in with absolutely nothing to say other than, I'm here too! Her husband, obviously used to this, would let her prattle, but I found it annoying. Instead of hearing about his latest alternative energy project, I was subject to celebrity gossip and conspiracy theories about breast milk. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I suffocated her with a couch cushion. Those who knew her weren't surprised. Her husband was nonplussed, as if he knew this was a possibility one day. I told the RCMP it was self-defense. Everyone agreed. Case closed.
 
November 28, 2022
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
You shouldn't kill people unless they are really annoying you. Mkay?
 
November 30, 2022
Today is Rudy Day. That's right, local citizen Rudy Bing has declared that today is his day and everyone must celebrate Rudy. He put a sign up in his yard telling everyone about Rudy Day. He had the local paper do a story on him and his self-declared monument to himself. He didn't say what anybody was supposed to do on Rudy Day, other than celebrate him, but that was enough for our spirited community. I have seen Rudy Day flags and banners, Rudy Day bumper stickers, and a local bakery is selling official Rudy Day Nanaimo bars (they're in the shape of Rudy Bing's head but only if he were hydrocephalic, which he isn't.) Is it silly? Of course. Is Rudy Day to become a tradition? Can't say. Is there more to life than Rudy Day? You bet. But for now, this is all we have.
 

 
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