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KeithSpeak- December 2022


December 1, 2022
He was a worrier. You could tell because his fingernails were bitten down to the nub. He took no pleasure in anything and was always looking forward to the next possible disaster. His wife claimed he was a born fretter and pouter, as if it was a genetic predisposition - and contagious to boot because she too has become a worrier. She's worried that with no fingernails left he might resort to chewing on something else. She didn't know what that was but knew it was something to worry about. Together, they were expending immense amounts of energy toward worse possible outcomes. No good can come of that. 
December 2, 2022
If you were an alien,
would humans be seen as an asset or a liability.
December 3, 2022
So a conservative asshat claims that being rich is the way to higher consciousness. Har. If that were true, Musk, Trump and West would be bodhisattvas instead of the losers they are.
December 4, 2022
Overheard two girls at an outdoor ice rink.
-- Your boyfriend Gary is a lousy skater.
-- He thinks he's good.
-- Look at him. He has no balance and little co-ordination.
-- Yeah, that's him without skates too. I always have to be on top because he can't hold a rhythm.
-- He can't skate and he can't screw, what's he good for?
-- His father owns Alameda Aluminum. They're loaded.
-- Tracy, doesn't that make you a golddigger?
-- Yeah, I guess so.
-- That's so cool.
December 5, 2022
Standing in line for tickets to a playoff game, Artie's stomach started to rumble. Oh no, he thought. Worst possible time. He had been in line for hours and if he had to give up his spot just to find a bathroom it would have made him furious, so when the doors finally opened, imagine Artie's immense relief when a guy announced that those with irritable bowel syndrome may enter first. As if. No, Artie soiled himself in the name of sport. It's not a glamorous story, but it's real, just like the PTSD Artie developed after the public befouling.
December 6, 2022
This guy tells me he's been a competitive eater for 9 months. He says he enters eating contests where in a certain amount of time he has to eat the most of anything (hot dogs, tacos, wings, oysters, etc.) So far he has placed 3rd once and ruined his stomach lining in a hot chili contest in Nogales where he took 5th and later vomited blood. His doctor told him to quit competitive eating but he told the doctor it was his life. He's been doing it for 9 months. I'd call it more of a passing fancy.
December 7, 2022
If you work on a 24" monitor or bigger, going back to a laptop screen is, well, less joyous. By shrinking it more and going down to a smart phone screen it seems like a mini torture. And my god, smart watches are the worst, but you know, glasses with a heads up display hold promise if they can make them look like normal glasses and not some geek appendage. So for now, I'm old schooling it - big ass tower computer right on my desktop next to my big ass monitor and my 4 big ass exterior speakers and a full sized keyboard with multiple printers and exterior hard drives available at the touch of a few buttons. Pretty soon, as everything marketable goes to nano and the infinitesimal, people will look back fondly on the days when it was all big and easy to see, and they will start a reverse revolution and revert back to where I am now, making the likes of me chic and retro, both ahead of and behind the curve. Won't that be special.
December 9, 2022
Plumber coming today.
Big truck.
Bad weather.
Many inches of new snow in our spaciously long driveway.
It's 6:00AM.
Must go plow in the dark to prepare for his arrival.
It's -8 degrees.
The wind is blowing.
For the record, I'm not keen on this.
I'm off.
I'm back.
It's 2 1/2 hours later.
Plumber has yet to show. 
Now you're caught up.  
Now we wait.
December 10, 2022
Dot and Kevin had a good marriage until Dot met an influencer online and ran off to Cabo with him. Kevin knew that influencers were just shallow, tawdry shills for questionable products and that one day it would all go poof! and his Dot would return home. But that never happened. Is influencing the new American Dream circa 2022?
December 11, 2022
My writers union is having a holiday party. It is to be held at a bar, natch, and because writers are prone to excessive drink and drugs, there will be designated drivers galore. Are you coming? they asked. But I've been to these soirees before. What writers do, they do alone, sitting all by themselves in a room with a computer and a blank sheet of paper toiling away, making shit up, so that when they get into a group situation with real people, not figments of their imagination, they gorge. Too much of everything is consumed. Boisterous merrymaking ensues. Do I want to be a part of that? My RSVP awaits.
December 12, 2022
Overheard a couple at the pharmacy.
-- I hate these places. They make me feel sick just walking in.
-- But you are sick. That's why we're here. I never knew you were so touchy about pharmacies.
-- All our life, the government, teachers, our families, they all tell us not to take drugs. Don't do drugs! Then you're supposed to just walk into a store that sells them right on the street and get yourself some drugs like it's nothing? That's a conflict of interest.
-- They don't want you to do illegal drugs.
-- Drugs are drugs. They should either all be illegal or all legal.
-- You're just being contrary.
-- I'm being realistic. For a hundred years marijuana was bad for you. Don't smoke pot! Now, suddenly, it's ok, it's legal. But the drug hasn't changed, just the people who want to regulate it. Well that's spurious.
-- Look, Martin, we're here to get some antibiotics so you can get rid of your bronchitis. That's all.
-- And who are these people who set up these drug shops? Who are they to regulate what I get to have? Who made pharmacists the drug czars? And another thing-
-- Martin, why don't you just wait for me in the car.
-- This place gives me the creeps. 
A pharmacist from behind the counter says,
-- Yeah, go wait in the car.
December 13, 2022
Common sense, does everyone have it? What about those who don't exercise it? Do they have it and just don't employ it? You can't be taught common sense and you don't get it from a book, you don't even know you possess it until you use it. But what about those who don't use it? What about them? Are they defective?
December 14, 2022
Even though nobody asked for my holiday gift ideas (so sad!), I'm giving them anyway. Ahem.
1.) Rechargeable hand warmers - Ocoopa
2.) Heated pet beds - K&H pet
3.) For those with unwanted critters in their house - Havahart live traps
December 15, 2022
A friend's contact list got hacked and all of the entries, yours truly included, were sent gobs of spam. I just dumped all the fake e-mails but it turns out several of his contacts fell for the scams and got their computers infected with a ransom ware virus. One of them had to pay $3,000 to get his data back and he wants that money returned, so he hired a lawyer. My friend said he can't afford counsel so he's thinking of moving. "If they can't find me, they can't sue me." I asked him where he's gonna go, thinking Pennsylvania or something.  "Chechnya," he says. What?
December 16, 2022
If you think pets are filthy and disgusting and you can't believe that people bring these animals into their homes, has it ever occurred to you that you already live with a plethora of critters - mites, spiders, bugs, ants, etc. They may be small but they're living in your house with you. So is there really that much of a difference between a 120 pound malamute and a spider in a corner?
December 17, 2022
Overheard an attempted pickup at a bar.
-- Look dude, I'm not interested in you or your offer of a drink. Please leave me alone.
-- Don't you tell me what to do!
-- Beat it, buddy.
-- Hey, I'm just suggesting-
-- Go suggest your shit to someone who wants to hear it. Now leave me alone.
-- What if I won't take no for an answer.
She ignores him.
-- There is no one here to save you, lady.
She continues to ignore him.
-- I'm not going to go away. And I'm going to get what I want.
She opens her handbag and pulls out a taser. She lays it on the table in front of her and she stares directly at the guy.
-- See the taser?
She picks up the gun and lowers it to her lap, underneath the table.
-- It's now pointed directly at your crotch. Now get the fuck out of here.
And he does.
December 19, 2022
It is currently -27. The furnace is having trouble keeping up; it's only 56 in my office. Not too comfortable but a helluva lot better than outside. It's just hard to imagine how wild animals can be out in these frigid temperatures all the time with no respite. I realize they have no choice, but that doesn't make it any more bearable. Me, I'm sitting at the keyboard with gloves on.
December 20, 2022
It snowed a bunch last night and there were already two feet of it up in our field; very arduous to trudge through if you're a coyote. Maybe that's why this morning, as I walked up to open our gate, I came across two of them laying in the middle of our driveway. Their sides and underbellies were frozen with ice. I could see the path that they lumbered through to get from two feet of snow in the field to the fresh four inches in our driveway. They looked knackered. No need to disturb them; I'll open the gate later; I turned and walked back to the house. Ah, the rural life.
December 21, 2022
We have a small fountain square downtown. Because there are public restrooms available, many homeless people hang out there. The square is adjacent to a downtown parking lot. I was waiting to pick up my wife when a stretch limo pulls into the lot and stops by the square. A woman gets out and hands money to each homeless person there. She doesn't stop to talk, she just gives them money, says "Merry Christmas", and goes to the next person. Then she got back in the limo and drove away. It was a nice act of generosity and yet I still heard grumbling from some of the recipients: "How the hell am I gonna break a hundred? 20 dollar bills would have been better," and, "The least she coulda done was give me the hundred and her coat. That sucker looked warm," and, "Anybody else get a master/slave vibe with her?", and finally, "Bitch was rich, she coulda afforded a helluva lot more than a measly hundo." Wow, really?
December 23, 2022
I met a real racist. He was virulently opposed to everything that wasn't like him. He said it took a lot of energy to maintain his hate but that he was willing to do it because the cause was so great. The cause? I suppose one could admire his dedication to xenophobia, but why?
December 24, 2022
What if some obese stranger in a red suit and white beard came up to you and asked if you were naughty or nice this year? Oh, and if you admit to being bad, he laughs in your face and calls you a ho ho ho. So why is it acceptable for this fat nobody to keep private lists of Canadian citizens and subjectively determine if they've been naughty or nice and then either reward them or call them whores? Who the hell is this guy? And why does everyone lie for him! He's real, parents lie to their kids. Why? Why?!
December 27, 2022
Their mortgage was $4,200 a month. First, the wife lost her corporate job due to company downsizing. Then the husband got indicted for theft at the company where he worked and was fired. They had not made a mortgage payment since August and were getting more and more desperate. The bank was pressuring them to cough up the money. To get out from under the debt, they would have to sell the house in a terrible market, or...
Wife -- What if we burn it down? Collect the insurance?
Husband -- That would pay off the bank, but if we get caught for arson it's prison time.
W -- Oh, come on, we're smart enough to figure out a way to burn this down and not get caught.
H -- How would we do it?
W- - We can't light a bunch of candles and say the curtains caught fire, that would be our fault and insurance wouldn't pay. No, it will have to be something structural, like bad wiring.
H -- What do we know about wiring?
W -- What if we get a hold of some burnt wires and splice them into a power line so when the insurance investigators find the burnt wires they will assume--
H -- Splice them into a power line! Are you nuts? We're more likely to electrocute ourselves than burn the place down.
W -- You're right. A better way would be to find a shady electrician and have him do it.
H -- How are we going to find a shady electrician?
W -- Craigslist.
H -- But that leaves a witness. He could rat us out to the insurance company.
W -- Not if we pay him good, or...
H -- Or what?
W -- What if he perishes in the fire he started?
H -- My god, have we gone too far?
W -- Or not far enough?
December 29, 2022
At night we got freezing rain and in the morning it got above freezing and all the freeze part turned to flowing water where it coated the driveway and then froze again that night. We now have a 200 yard long skating rink. I couldn't even get our truck out of it in four wheel drive low. I had to get our tractor with industrial tire chains on to pull our truck up the driveway to the road. This whole thing will be a disaster until the next snowfall can cover the ice and traction can be obtained. In the meantime, I guess I'm not going anywhere.
December 30, 2022
He played the horn all his life. But it took just one review to ruin everything. The headline read, 'Trumpeter blows his brains out', after reviewing a blistering performance of his at a New York jazz club. The headline encompassed two fouls. The first was that he did not kill himself but instead had a killer night with his horn, but everybody thought he killed himself, so he had to overcome that. The second, which was distasteful and disgusting, had everyone believing he was a Trump supporter. The toxicity of that was harder to overcome and may well have had an adverse effect on his career because his next gig was playing trumpet at a bar mitzvah in Queens.
December 31, 2022
There's a reason why the phrase, Flattery will get you everywhere, is a phrase. That's because it works. Whether the flattery is sincere or spurious, it still works. Whether the flatteree knows you are conning them or not, doesn't matter. We are primitive beings who like to hear nice things about ourselves. And because of our susceptibility to flattery, we have a lifespan of 100 years to limit the amount of destruction one falsely flattered individual can do.
“Anyone who's vain enough to love being flattered is as empty and worthless as the flattery spoken.” 
William Shakespeare

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