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KeithSpeak - January 2023


January 1, 2023
She was a single mother who named her baby, Malfeasance. No one knew what it meant and she offered no explanation. The doctor filling in the Birth Certificate had to twice ask how to spell it. It was all very mysterious and would have remained so had not the mother, on her deathbed, sort of explained things. Seems she had been watching a show on PBS about British estate gardens and they mentioned a landscape architect named Capability Brown. "Capability! My god, it struck me that I could name the kid anything I wanted! So Malfeasance it was." Then she died before she could say why. Clearly, this is the boffo start 2023 needed.
January 2, 2023
Anyway, Malfeasance grew up to be a menace to society and a terrible role model. In a famous court case, Malfeasance vs. The State of Connecticut, a sociologist from Brown University testified that an awful name could well hinder a child's development and turn them into societal pariahs, misfits, evil bastards, Satan lovers and possibly witches or warlocks and that might be exactly what's happened here. The audience exploded in applause, the jury gasped at the audacious defense, the media pronounced it, Brilliant! but the judge, the Honorable Bitmore Treason Cleaver, knew a little something about odd names and this case was reigniting memories of his tormented and bullied childhood so he immediately declared for The State of Connecticut to get this case off his docket, Malfeasance out of his courtroom and the past out of his head. The rest, of course, is history.
Moral of the story? There's nothing wrong with naming your kid John or Mary.
January 3, 2023
I'm sitting in a coffee shop watching a car on the street get a jump from another car. They must have hooked the terminals up backwards because the depleted battery swelled up and ruptured, spewing battery acid onto the car and the street. A tow truck was called. He arrived, took one look at the dripping battery and refused to tow the car as he considered the leaking acid a hazmat situation. The cops were called. They called in the hazmat unit from the next town over. I finished my coffee and headed out. As I walked past the disgruntled driver I heard him yelling at the tow truck driver, "Get off my case! I'm colourblind! Red and black look the same to me! Jesus!"
January 4, 2023
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Have you seen this current crop of political losers, liars, has-beens, wannabes and racists
Don't get me started
January 5, 2023
For their 15th wedding anniversary, a British couple bought a full size snooker table as a gift to themselves. It took their 3 cats less than a day to discover the felt and commence zoomies with their claws out. The fabric was shredded but the couple didn't have the money to re-felt the table so they played it as it was. But that too got scuttled when the cats decided any rolling ball was fair game. Exasperated, the couple admitted they had made a big mistake, hadn't thought it through and were blinded by their love of snooker and the thought of playing it in their basement anytime they wanted. Their friends suggested getting rid of the cats, declawing the cats, and other horrors they could visit upon the cats. But none of that was going to happen. Seems that even though they didn't get to play the game, they were snookered just the same.
January 6, 2023
Dear Keith,
I admit that I am not the smartest person in the room. Do you think a person who isn't very smart can evolve spiritually? If I evolve can I go on to the next level? Like a video game?
I don't want to waste my time if it isn't possible
Dear...if it isn't possible,
Not only is it possible, it's demanded of you. We are all here to reach, through personal development, an understanding about just what the hell is going on. For each and every one of us, spiritual development comes out of personal development. Imagine it this way: you are an artist and your life is your canvas. You are the painter of your own life. If you don't like the picture, change it. It's completely within your power and purview to do so. And it has nothing to do with how smart you think you are or aren't. Capish? By the way, life is nothing like a video game.
January 8, 2023
Overheard three boys with their hockey bags at a bus stop.
-- How come your mom can't take us?
-- Yeah, the bus is lame.
-- I told you guys, she has a doctor's appointment. If we wait for her, we'll miss practice.
-- I can't believe we're gonna show up at the rink on a city bus.
-- Who cares?
-- Your mom is an asshole for making us take the bus.
-- She's sick! She needs to see a doctor. Get off her case.
-- We're gonna be late. The bus makes about a hundred stops before the rink. Coach is gonna be pissed.
-- We'll just blame it on Francour's mom.
-- Yeah, what a bitch.
-- Shut up, you jerks.
-- Here comes the bus.
-- I hate your mom.
-- Me too.
-- Wait a minute, how we getting home?
-- The bus?
-- You bastard!
-- Yeah, you bastard.
January 9, 2023
Running a red light, I watched a car turn into a semi. The car got T-boned and both vehicles came to a stop. The driver, a woman, climbed out of the passenger side and immediately started berating the truck driver. She took out her phone and took all these pictures of the truck driver, his license plates and the company name on the truck. The cops arrived and the woman tells them it's the trucker's fault. But there were three of us waiting at the light who saw the crash. We all told the cops it was the car's fault for running the light and turning into the tractor trailer. The woman was screaming a bloody fit and calling us all liars even as the officers were reviewing the dash cam in the truck which clearly exonerated him and implicated the bad driver. She was arrested kicking and screaming. The first Karen of 2023 bites the dust.
January 11, 2023
This woman would only drink filtered tap water. Nothing from a bottle, a drinking fountain or an unfiltered tap. This basically meant she wouldn't drink water all day long unless she was at home. Nothing at work, nothing on a date, nothing except filtered tap water would pass her lips. Then she went on vacation. Ironically, she died of cholera because she actually did drink the water somewhere she shouldn't have. It sounds like there could be more to this story, but there isn't.
January 12, 2023
An American had come to Canada on vacation with his wife and on his last day here he bought a lottery ticket. The couple returned home and when the husband went online to check the numbers, found out he had won $500,000. He talked to his accountant and was told that even though lottery money in Canada is tax free and paid out in one lump sum, because he was a US citizen, and the US taxes its citizens on worldwide income, he owed US taxes on the money Canada was willing to give him free and clear. This was too much for him. Why should he give the US hundreds of thousands of dollars that were rightfully his? He told his wife they were moving to Canada. His wife said no way, filed for divorce, and in the proceedings got half of his winnings. Then he still had to pay US taxes on what was left. In the end he wondered how such a wonderful life changing moment could result in such horrible life changing events?
January 13, 2023
I realize I haven't been using pictures for a couple of months now. I'm getting a lot of e-mails about the lack of visual scenery. Steady my pretties, pictures will be back, I just can't say exactly when. But I will say 'tis temporary it is.
January 14, 2023
Overheard two men at a coffee shop.
-- It's not that I don't like him, it's that he flirts with my wife.
-- Benny flirts with Adrianne?
-- Every time we see him. It kinda pisses me off.
-- I can see why.
-- He does it right in front of me like I'm not even there.
-- I imagine he thinks you're not.
-- Makes me mad.
-- How does Adrianne react?
-- She eats it up.
-- Really? Maybe that's a sign?
-- What kinda sign?
-- Maybe you oughta be paying more attention to Adrianne. Maybe she's starved for attention.
-- It's not Adrianne, it's Benny! He's the problem!
-- Maybe he's just a harbinger.
-- I don't even know what that means and I don't wanna know. All I'm sayin' is he better stop flirting with my wife or something's going to happen.
-- What.
-- I don't know, but something.
-- Yeah, your wife might leave you for Benny.
-- No! I'm talking about a punch in the nose. That's what might happen. God.
January 15, 2023
We're out to dinner where the tables were packed way too closely together. At the one next to ours, like 18 inches away, this dude ordered a dozen oysters and demanded that his girlfriend slurp down the slimy buggers. She didn't want to. He said she needed them to increase her sex drive. She refused. They got in a fight.
It was impossible for us to enjoy our dinner, have a conversation or try to ignore the raving pair right next to us. The manager finally came over and asked if there was something wrong with the oysters.
Guy: Yeah, she won't 'em.
Gal: They're disgusting!
Manager: I'm sorry. I will bring you another plate.
Gal: No! I don't want them. Don't bring more, take these away.
Guy: Leave them here! Don't touch those oysters. She's gonna eat them.
At this point I looked at my wife and suggested we leave.
We both stood up. Still dealing with the fighting pair, the manager winced as he saw us leave our half eaten dinners.
I don't know what happened with oyster boy and his girlfriend because we left, but I'm guessing that at some point she threw an oyster at him and stormed out of the restaurant while he stayed at the table and ate the rest of the oysters by himself before being arrested by the RCMP for disturbing the public peace, eating gross stuff and being mean to his girlfriend.
January 16, 2023
When you play the victim and claim that something is happening TO you, you are abdicating any responsibility for being involved and negating any chance of finding out why you're involved, which is silly because you ARE involved so you would be better suited if you took responsibility for your being there to help you understand why you are involved. Only then can the event make any sense. Capish?
January 18, 2023
Out of the blue an old girlfriend called. We chatted for a while and caught each other up, then she asked if I was still married. I told her I was. She asked if I was happy. I told her I was. She sighed and said, "Well, I guess that's that," wished me well and hung up. Hmm.
January 19, 2023
Until Internet comment sections appeared, did you have any idea there were so many messed up people in the world?
Would you rather know the date of your death, or how it happens?
If you were challenged to do something stupid, would you?
If you were challenged to do something illegal, would you?
If you were challenged to do something stupid AND illegal, would you?
You know who gets a raw deal? Cows. They get eaten by humans and vivisected upon by aliens. Nothing pastoral about that.
Don't meet your heroes. They will fail you with their humanness.
Brussels sprouts are vile little creatures. I suggest everyone stay away.
This ayahuasca tripping dude said his spirit animal was a cockroach. Come on. Is that even possible in the spiritual animal realm? Can you be at one with an insect?
After you read this sentence, it will be 3 seconds you'll never get back.
I've heard that some people in the world don't like ice cream. Seriously, what's wrong with these people?
Is it really fun going to a casino and losing all your money? Is that really a good time?
2+2=4 except when it doesn't.
January 20, 2023
I was about to leave a lot of money on the table. The contract called for my signature on a Non Disclosure Agreement. I read the entire thing and was appalled at how restrictive and one way it was. I refused to sign it. We were at an impasse. Their lawyers said cut him loose. Their accountants, hoping to get a cheaper writer, said cut him loose. The producers thought a less recalcitrant screenwriter was indeed a great idea, so they too were onboard with the cut him loose vibe. Only the famous lead actor, and the reason the movie was green lit in the first place, said, No, I want him to write it. The lawyers protested, the accountants sighed, and the producers knew who they must at all costs keep happy (the famous lead actor). So guess what, ha, we don't need no stinkin' NDAs.
January 21, 2023
After a cursory look, I found 8 different websites selling my books surreptitiously. If money was my main motivator, I (or my lawyer) would be dealing with these renegades. But to be honest, I'd rather have the material read. I believe that the content is worth more than the dollars to buy it.
January 22, 2023
Allen worked in a small computer shop as a tech. When he worked on a machine, he would root through it looking for porn, personal sex tapes and bank information. He would copy the porn and sex tapes for himself but would sell the bank information to others. The scam had worked flawlessly until he repaired the computer of a biker gang member. He did his usual copy, steal and sell, but when the biker's bank account got ripped off, he traced it back to the computer store, and oh my goodness, Allen learned many painful lessons that day.
Moral of the story? Encrypt. There are Allens everywhere.
January 23, 2023
"I'm crazy for Salma Hayek but when I told my bride she cried and threw a lamp at me." - Marlon Gutierrez
"I'm sick and tired of watching that women in the next cubicle take out her false teeth and play with them like they're talking when she's on the phone." - M. Betty Hopehill
"There's pint size trouble and her name is Darla!" - Darla's Mom, Dee Dee
"My Uncle Zeb is a racist and there ain't nothing nobody gonna do to change his mind. He hates them Australians, plain and simple." - Alice Fetter
"Sir, your daughter drew a penis in 1st grade today. Can you explain this?" - Superintendent Alice Gooch
"So we get a $500,000 mortgage. Everybody's doing it." - Timmie Muncie
"Shit, I'm 50 years old! God, how did this happen?!" - Gwendolyn Grayson
"Yeah, he used to work here 'till he got fired and tried to burn the place down but is now serving 5-7 for arson even though he swears the first thing he's going to do when he gets out is burn the place down." -  Buddy Freehold
"You know what would be a better world? If dogs and cats could talk and people could only meow and bark." - Justice Peavey
"My husband is a pension fund manager and he put all their money in crypto and now they want to kill him. When I found out he put our own money in crypto, I too wanted to kill him. One way or another, he's going to get it." - Julianne Perkins
"I'm serious, I can't believe I'm 50! Jesus frickin' Christ." - Gwendolyn Grayson
"I'm a doctor, he's a doctor, we never see each other because we work at different hospitals and our schedules have nothing to do with having a personal life. Sure, we're rich, but we never see each other. Or one is always sleeping. Sometimes sick people make me sick. Yeah, I said it." - Dr. L.C. Chang
"Uh, things are good. You?" - Lyin' Brian McCoy
January 24, 2023
I accidentally submitted something twice and accidentally got paid twice. When I informed the Billing department of the error, they told me to keep the extra payment and to just not bill them for the next time; it will save them a lot of paperwork. But that made no sense to me. What if there was no next time? What if next time didn't come out to the exact current overpayment? Was I talking to an intern? No really, they said, keep it. I shrugged my shoulders, got the name of the genius who told me to take their money, and I ran like Forest Gump.
January 26, 2023
I was talking with a friend who was complaining about his daughter. He said she is really smart but lacks direction. He said she likes computers, puppies and field hockey. He asked if I had any suggestions. I told him she could learn a high level computer language like Python. It's perhaps the simplest language for a beginner to learn. It's incredibly useful, there's plenty of work and she could make 100 thou a year. He looked surprised. Could I learn Python and make 100 thou a year? Why not, I returned. I could see the gears turning in his head. His new plan was to learn the computer language along with his daughter so they could reinforce each other during the learning process and then they would go out in the world and make 100 thou a piece. Well? I told him I thought that was a splendid idea.
January 27, 2023
I walked into a store but there was no one around. Hello? Over here, someone said. I walked to the counter and looked down. Behind it, on the floor, were three women on their hands and knees piecing together shredded papers. They explained that the store manager had just fired one of the employees, but the guy went kind of nuts and started shredding everything he could get his hands on, including their paychecks. I looked at the littered mess down on the floor and wondered what bank was going to accept pieced together checks. Then I remembered it wasn't my problem. Sweet.
January 28, 2023
The son of immigrants, he had just graduated from medical school and was on an airplane home when someone started choking on the flight and the air attendant asked if there was a doctor on board. He proudly stood up and offered to help. Unfortunately, although he did administer to the choking man, the choking man died. His family sued the airlines and the recently graduated doctor. When it was all over, the kid owed his lawyers $18,000, the choking man's family $25,000 and he had to go before a medical board justifying his intervention. Because the Board placed him on probation, he was not offered a job anywhere in which he was licensed. Unable to practice and disgraced, his mother took her own life and shortly thereafter his father disowned him. Unemployed, depressed and with no answer for how good intentions could go so horribly wrong, he did what most who live an unexamined life do, he searched desperately for someone else to blame.
January 29, 2023
Look, you can listen to the advice, comments, suggestions and criticisms of others, but you don't have to adhere to them. If someone tells you you suck, and you decide to suck less, are you doing it to please them or are you doing it for yourself? It's important to know your motivation. If you're doing it to please them, it will stay as long as their opinion of you stays. However, if you're doing it to better yourself (yes, after taking their criticism to heart) then sucking less will stay with you as a trait, not the passing fancy of someone else's whim. And really, why would you try and please someone else before pleasing yourself?
January 30, 2023
His cat was blind and deaf. He used to have a hard time getting the cat's attention without scaring it. He came up with the idea of strapping a burner phone to his cat's back and setting it to vibrate. He had his mom sew up a little harness and holster and now he can wake the cat up or get its attention just by speed dialing him.
January 31, 2023
So a measly 100 years ago the 1920s were roaring. How come the 2020s suck so much?

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