If submarines were on land and the periscope was raised,
the 1st mate might say to the Captain, "Malamute at 150 yards, sir."
February 2, 2023
He was a 26 year old computer nerd who lived in his mom's basement. While it's true he was a misogynistic incel with a terrible attitude toward women, he was living at home because his mother had developed a disability and needed a caretaker. Weirdly, he would be upstairs helping his struggling mom, being kind, doing his best to understand her difficulties, doing what he could to make her life a little better, and then would go down into the basement and slag off women. In the mind of a 26 year old computer nerd misogynistic incel, it was pretty clear that mom was Madonna, and all those online women, whores.
February 3, 2023
I belong to a guild. The film and television writers guild. The Writers Guild of Canada. Guilds are over a thousand years old. We gots history. Unions have only been around for less than two hundred years. Pa-tooey, piker's. Guilds are for artists and merchants to stick together and protect one another with a group defense in the best interest of all in the guild, whereas unions are formed as adversaries to protect against management and owners who they find duplicitous and greedy. Guilds are positive and unions are in a constant battle against the negative. Both are structures for collective bargaining, but they are not synonyms of each other. A guild is made up of independent contractors; a union is comprised of employees. Why do I speak of this now? Huh...can't really say. It just happened. Isn't that something?
February 4, 2023
I was sent a treatment to see if I was interested in developing the screenplay. It was horribly written, had shallow one dimensional characters, was poorly plotted, superficial at best and said nothing worth spending 20 million on to make into a movie. But the producer who sent the treatment was incensed that I dissed his work (I didn't realize he had written it until he doth protest too much, which also explains why it's so bad). I did say I had some suggestions as to another direction it could be taken in, but he didn't want to hear that. This was his story! He told me I had blown my chance (at what? Writing a turgid, simple, piece of crap to satisfy a rich man's ego?). Har. Crocodile tears to follow.
February 5, 2023
Oi, he called back. Seems other writers had also panned the treatment for its feebleness, content and plausibility. No one good was interested in writing his movie. He said that since I was the first to criticize his proposed idea, he was offering me the job of rewriting the treatment. I told him I had no interest in doing that, but if he was amenable to being pitched, I had much better movie ideas. He again yelled, "No, it's my story!" and hung up. Sigh.
February 6, 2023
He was a big man who answered an ad in the paper for a club bouncer. He was interviewed and given the job. Then he was taken on a tour of the facilities where he said,
"The bar and dance area, I get. But why are there bedrooms and mattresses in the back?"
"What, you want everybody to do it on the floor?"
"What are you talking about?"
"This is a sex club, honey. You're the bouncer at a sex club. Didn't you know that?"
"The ad didn't say anything and there is no sign over the door of this place. Why does a sex club need a bouncer?"
"Because in here, no means no. You're job is to enforce that."
"So people come here to have sex with strangers? Is that it?"
"My wife will never go for this."
"You mean come to the club?"
"I mean my working here, you know, around naked horny women all night."
February 7, 2023
Everybody is all for Air Tagging luggage, but what about your pets? Putting an Air Tag on a dog or cat collar would prevent them from being lost. Who cares if Apple says that's not what it's meant for? Isn't that like Bic saying they want you to do your taxes with their pens, but not use them to write love letters. Unless the RFID tags cause cancer, put them on your pet's collars for the piece of mind they will provide and screw Apple's lawyers who say you shouldn't.
February 8, 2023
She thought ancient Egypt was cool so she named her new daughter Anubis. When she was told that Anubis was a jackal headed immortal who presided over embalmings and accompanied the dead into the afterlife, she became visibly distraught. The death stuff was all well and good but it seems the half-jackal, half-human thing was a bridge too far. She renamed her daughter Cleopatra because, "I'm pretty sure she was all human."
February 9, 2023
Do you have a reason, a plan, even an idea of what you're doing here? Is everything a mystery to you? Are you unsure of what happens next, what's happened in the past or who you are in this current moment? May I? This life is comprised of self-generated experiences through which you learn about yourself. You then apply what you've learned to what's left of your life. You do this time and time again and eventually you will be more than you were before. That's the point. Basically, you are here to learn about yourself and grow from that. Are too.
February 10, 2023
Overheard two teenage girls at the movies.
-- George Clooney is so sexy even though he's like a grandpa.
-- As you know, Ashley, Kenny and I haven't done it yet, but I would do Clooney.
-- Me too. It's kinda funny that we would both lose our virginity to a guy who's like 80.
-- Why aren't we more excited about younger movie stars?
-- Because Timothée Chalamet is creepy and Michael Cera grew up and has a beard.
-- Who's in this tonight?
-- That guy from The Office and one of the dudes who played a Batman.
-- Clooney was Batman.
-- His nipples in that Batsuit were bigger than mine.
-- I would still do him.
-- Me too.
February 11, 2023
He was telling his grandmother about the Superbowl tomorrow. She was intrigued as she loved both art and cookwear. She asked him what was so special about this bowl that made it super. He explained that it was a sporting event, not a literal bowl. What?! Convinced she was being gaslighted, she called him a teasing little bastard and went in to watch Wheel of Fortune.
February 12, 2023
It's my Dad's birthday month.
So I'm using February for his first appearance in KeithSpeak.
It's like a present.
A birthday present.
(He's the one on the right.)
February 13, 2023
There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who believe in the expiration date and those who don't.
February 14, 2023
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Marry for love
It's always your best bet
February 15, 2023
When the aliens land, a lot of stuff is going to change. For instance, religion will be seen for what it is - a twisted, repressive, manipulative fantasy made up in the mind of man. With the arrival of the aliens the vastness of the universe will be revealed and it will be staggering. On Earth, all the fussing and fighting and feuding and warring will simply cease in the face of something so much larger, so much grander, so much more intelligent than humans' puny battles to the death over property or fucked up ideology or power mad egos. When the aliens land, it will be our invitation to a greater existence. Either that or they'll enslave us.
February 16, 2023
A buddy and I went to a natural, little known, out of the way, difficult to find hot springs. There is never anyone there because it's miles up a dirt logging road and you have to know where to park before hiking deep into the forest to the springs. We're soaking and enjoying the peacefulness when a helicopter flies right over us destroying the calm. It returns, hovers, and then lands nearby. 15 minutes later two women emerge from the woods, say hi, strip and get in the water. It's all so Canadian - female helicopter pilots, secret hot springs, and women unafraid to get naked with guys they've never met in a secluded setting where relaxation is the point. It's yet another reason why I love living here.
February 17, 2023
I tried this before and people got confused. There are hundreds of previous KeithSpeaks and all of them are fresh as a daisy. I know! So you can randomly click any month (did I already mention there are hundreds!) and it will be relevant and compelling and funny and the best stuff you'll ever read in your entire life which will most likely change your life and make you a way better person than you were before you stumbled in here. Ok, I made that last part up. Still, every once in a while, especially when I'm lazy, I might run some previous material. Like this.
February 18, 2023
I followed my wife into a store but it wasn't clear that we were together because we wandered off separately to look at different things. A salesman started openly flirting with my wife. I couldn't tell if he was just trying to sell her something or was genuinely interested in pursuing her. His intentions became clear when he started getting a little handsy. Now there are lots of ways this could have ended:
She could have told him off.
She could have slapped him and told him off.
She could have accepted his advances, divorced me and moved to Hawaii with him.
I could have told him off.
I could have slapped him and told him off.
And one of those things actually happened.
February 20, 2023
In town we have a large pond that freezes over in winter. This morning I saw a mother duck with 5 babies walking single file across the frozen water. The babies were trailing behind the mother in a solid line as they waddled across the lake. Then there was the mother cat trying to herd her brood across the ice. The kittens were all over the pond, chasing each other, attacking each other and just plain wandering away. The mother kept retrieving them but there was no discipline or order to those kitties. It was a perfect illustration as to why the expression is about the difficulty in herding cats, not ducks.
February 22, 2023
I have a nasty ass cold and sore throat and it is making me miserable and hating everything. So there. Enough said.
February 23, 2023
This personal info collection shit is out of control. I call our bank's 800 number to discuss something in our account, but the automated response tells me that the bank is going to record my voice to verify it's me next time I call. They will use my voiceprint to verify instead of using 2 piece identification where they send a text with a 6 digit one time code. No way, Jose. I refuse them permission to record and imprint my voice, hung up and read the fine print about this on their website. It says they can freely sell my digital voice imprint to anybody that wants it - for any purpose they might want to use it. What?! Hey large national bank, fuck you.
February 24, 2023
Your car is loaded with all your possessions as you say your goodbyes to friends and family. You are moving to another city. At some point in the trip you hit an icy patch on the road and roll your car with everything you own in it. It is a total loss. You manage to survive but nothing else did. Do you continue on to your new place with nothing or retreat back to what you left behind?
February 25, 2023
I was watching some brain dead Republican spew hateful rhetoric when the Bob Seger song, Beautiful Loser, came to mind. If it were written about this schmuck, it would just be called Loser. Nothing beautiful about a mouthful of hate.
February 27, 2023
Overheard two neighbours discussing another neighbour (me).
-- He sure does keep to himself.
-- I've seen him in town lots. I saw him yesterday plowing his driveway.
-- Yeah well, I was told he's a famous writer who doesn't like to be recognized.
-- That's what I heard too. Have you ever read any of his stuff?
-- No. But I've heard all the rumours about his Hollywood experiences as a writer.
-- The one with Meryl Streep?
-- Yeah, that his wife had to go retrieve him from her clutches.
-- His wife's a doctor, isn't she?
-- Yeah. They may be the most famous couple in town and no one knows who they are.
-- Don't you think that's mysterious? If I were famous I'd want everyone to know.
-- That's because you crave attention.
-- I'm on Facebook, IG, Twitter - it's 2023, privacy is overrated.
-- I suppose we could just knock on their door and meet them.
-- I don't want to meet them, I just like talking about them.