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KeithSpeak-September 2021


September 2, 2021
Who does it better?
September 3, 2021
What's with green eyes? Our cats have green eyes and they're mysterious, inscrutable creatures. The Hulk has green eyes and he has horrible anger management issues. And of course, the numbers show that aliens abduct more green eyed people than any other eye color. So, after weighing all the empirical evidence, I have come to the conclusion that green eyes are, shall we say, at best, sketchy.
September 4, 2021
Jeez, the network spam filter got corrupted last night and this morning there are like 10,000 pieces of junk in my box. Maybe 5 of them are legit. You know, I distinctly remember someone telling me how much fun the Internet was going to be. You'll especially love e-mail, they said. My god, such lying liars.
September 6, 2021
He decided that she was the one. Marco thought that the only way to impress his girlfriend Shawna, and show her he was good marriage material, was to cater to her every wish and command and defer to her at all times. Marco treated Shawna like a queen.
Shawna talking with her BFF:
-- He's such a wuss.
-- He'd jump off the Brooklyn Bridge if you told him to.
-- I want a real man. Someone who's going to take charge.
-- Marco is such a limp noodle. Yes, Miss Shawna. Anything I can do for you, Miss Shawna. Why is your girlfriend laughing at me, Miss Shawna.
-- I should ditch him.
-- You should. He doesn't deserve you. God, could you imagine marrying Marco?
-- What a nightmare.
-- Yeah, he's gonna make somebody a great wife.
-- The nice guy spiel has worn thin.
-- It's degrading.
-- And it shows a lack of respect.
-- You should dump him. Who does he think he is putting you on a pedestal?
-- Really.
September 7, 2021
Saw a sidewalk protester in front of a pet store. His sign said, Animals are humans too! I couldn't agree with him more.
September 8, 2021
At 7 this morning a friend called from the hospital and said his wife had just delivered their baby after a difficult all night struggle and she had finally fallen asleep. He said he too was exhausted to drive the 35 minutes back to his house and could they stop by our place for a nap before he goes back up to the hospital? They? He shows up 10 minutes later with a gorgeous woman in tow. She's a friend of his wife's, he says. He and she disappear into the bedroom and close the door. Hey, wait a minute.
September 10, 2021
Oh man, there are now 3 male bears hanging out on our acreage. I called a buddy to come over, drink some beers, shoot the breeze, but he said no. So did others. It seems no one wants to visit us anymore because of these brutes. They're in our driveway, on our porch, in our yard... They're ruining my social life. Bad bears. Bad bad bears.
September 12, 2021
I saw Bill walking down the road wearing a bouffant wig, sequined hot pants and a pair of yellow platform shoes. In the middle of the day! Unfortunately, there were no children about so people couldn't go on social media and gasp, What about the children!
September 13, 2021
His mother had been a rock and roll groupie. So much so that she wasn't sure who his father was. She had followed big name bands on tour and slept with all of them, so when he asked about his father, she could only throw out a couple of names that would have corresponded with the 9 month gap before his birth. "It could be Jerry Garcia, Jerry Jeff Walker or some roadie for Slipknot named Jerry. I had a thing for Jerries back then." Not looking anything like Jerry Garcia or Jerry Jeff Walker, Carl assumed it was the roadie. "Figures," he sighs. "She sleeps with everyone from Mick Jagger to David Bowie and I get the roadie from Slipknot. Jesus."
September 14, 2021
I had to rig up a contraption for something. I thought about it for quite a while and then enacted my plan. But there were flaws. Once I set it up I saw that a good portion of it would work and of course my plan was genius, but then I identified problems in a couple of areas. Drat. So I dismantled the whole thing and thought about it some more. My second plan, plan B, addressed the weaknesses but still didn't go far enough for me to be happy with it. Something didn't feel right. I was on the wrong track. So I took down plan B and thought about it some more. By now I have some experience with the things that will work and the things that won't. That knowledge enabled me to go outside the box and try something radical. And it worked. Life was peachy again.  
Now, that process is EXACTLY what happens when people ask artists and inventors, How did you come up with that? Just what were you thinking? But that is literally how they did it - by thinking; using your mind and thoughts to create. In my example, I thought about what I would try before every attempt at construction. I conjured it up by thinking about it. See, that's the creative process right there and we all do it. We are all creating our life, one thought about it at a time. We are our own contraptions. Capish?
September 15, 2021
Yes, please.
September 17, 2021
Overheard a mother and grown daughter in a shop.
-- That husband of yours is pretty randy.
-- What are you talking about?
-- He was openly flirting with me.
-- You're dreaming.
-- Am I?
-- What makes you think he was flirting?
-- He came right out and said if I wasn't his mother-in-law he would "do me".
-- You wish.
-- I'm serious, Camille. Your husband made his intentions quite clear.
-- Trust me, Mom, I'm more than enough woman for Mark.
-- No, you're not. You may think you are, but if he wants to have sex with me, it's pretty obvious he wants more than just you.
-- Mom, I'm not going to talk to you about our sex life. Forget about it.
-- What if I want to have sex with him?
-- What?! Do you?
-- I dunno, I'm kinda warming up to the idea.
-- Jesus, Mom.
-- Camille, you father's been gone for 6 years. Do the math.
September 19, 2021
He has a landline, a television and a radio. He does not have a computer, Internet or mobile phone. He reads no newspapers or magazines and isn't stressed about the shape of the world or worried about politics. He goes to work and does his job, comes home, makes dinner, eats, watches TV, goes to bed. Some may call him simple, backwards, unenlightened and more. Yet others might wish their lives were as uncomplicated, quiet and stress less as his appears to be. There are lots of ways to live a life. Take yours for instance. How's that going?
September 20, 2021
He'd been dating her for 3 weeks when his buddy asked him how it was going.
-- She's got peccadilloes.
-- Peccadilloes?
-- Peccadilloes.
September 21, 2021
Is there really any good reason not to cut yourself some slack? Why exactly are you so hard on yourself? For not living up to your own expectations? Please. Give yourself some credit for your efforts; pat yourself on the back for the attempts. Be kind to animals and yourself. It's the same mindset.
September 22, 2021
Had an extraordinary couple of experiences yesterday. I saw, in two different locations, two close friends who both had died years ago. I know! I saw the first friend when I was in a parking lot on my way to my truck and looked down toward the end of the lot and standing there, was my old dead friend. He was looking directly at me and make no mistake, it was him. By the time I got to my truck and drove to that end of the lot, he was gone.
3 hours later my wife and I are in the car at a 4 way stop. As the car from our right turned directly in front of us my wife and I clearly saw that it was the other old dead friend driving! He looked directly at us, smiling as he made the turn and drove off. Amazed and amused, my wife and I agreed that it was him, a dead man driving a car, lordy!  2 close friends, both of whom knew each other, turning up on the same day years after their deaths. It was the definition of extra ordinary.
September 23, 2021
I went out of town yesterday and saw a dead guy on the sidewalk. I was slowing down for a red light when I looked across the street and saw a guy all crumpled up and dead on the sidewalk. There was a pedestrian that was just about to reach the body when the light turned green. Before I got a block away two ambulances and a fire rescue truck passed with sirens blaring heading toward this dude's mortality. We all have to go sometime somewhere. For this guy, it was a sidewalk in Vernon, British Columbia.
September 25, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Birthdays are red-
What? What do you mean birthdays have no colour? Says who? Says who!
September 27, 2021
An American tourist stopped me on the street and asked me why every store in town has a mask mandate. I asked him if he ever heard of COVID. He snarked back that COVID was a hoax perpetrated by the liberals. I just turned and walked away. As if to prove he was a gen-u-wine ugly American, he yelled after me, And you Canadians are the rudest motherfuckers I have ever met. Really? Us? Obviously, this chump's never been to France.
September 28, 2021
Priorities be skewed and damned. The US spends trillions of dollars on useless wars and war machinery and yet they veto a domestic infrastructure bill that is not only necessary but will likely cause more citizens to die on their decrepit highways and rotting bridges than in all their wars. What you have is a nation of political twats who don't give a shit about their own citizens welfare but are more than happy to go to war. Nice.
September 29, 2021
A producer was coming through the area and wanted to get together to discuss a project. I sent him instructions on how to get to our place. He never showed. I called his cell but got his voicemail. I called his office in Los Angeles to leave a message but again got routed to voicemail. I figured that sooner or later I'd hear back from him. I never did. Okaaaay.

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