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KeithSpeak - October 2021


October 1, 2021
On an impulse, I bought my wife a game. But neither of us could figure it out. The instructions were indecipherable and the board was impossible to understand. My wife has a Ph.D., I have a Masters degree and us two geniuses didn't have a clue as to how to play this game. I went online and found nothing about it; there was not one mention of this game in any search engine; how is that even possible in this day and age? I went back to the store where I bought it to ask if they knew what was up, BUT THE STORE WAS GONE! This is some Twilight Zone shit, no? Just to be safe, we burned the game in the back yard. You can't be too careful with the unexplainable.
October 3, 2021
Years ago I had a physical altercation with a roommate. In the middle of the fight I noticed the cat sitting on a stool licking its paws while we thrashed about throwing punches and each other around the room. It never left the stool and it never paid any attention to us even when we were going at it right in front of her. There was nothing but kinetic energy and bad intentions flooding that space and the cat couldn't have cared less. Her body language simply said, Silly humans.
October 4, 2021
Overheard two tourists at the bank.
-- I'm so glad we finally took this vacation.
-- We've been cooped up for years!
-- I got so tired of seeing my Ronny in sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt.
-- Tell me about it. Harold stopped showering. Maybe once every couple of weeks he'd get in. It's disgusting. I hate COVID.
-- Did he get vaccinated yet?
-- Nope, that's why he couldn't come. Same with Ronny?
-- He says it will make him impotent and he can't risk it.  
-- This has been a great vacation. I just hate that we have to leave Canada so soon and go back to them and their slovenly ways.
-- Me too. You know, Louise, I really don't have anything I have to get back to. What say we extend this little trip for another couple of weeks, maybe a month?
-- Good idea! But first, I'll have to see what's left in my account.
-- Your private account? The one Harold doesn't know about.
-- Yup.
-- Well if you're short, let me know and I'll lend you some from my private account.
-- The one Ronny doesn't know about?
-- Yup.
-- We're so smart.
-- Sisters, doing it for themselves.
October 5, 2021
I've got a friend who sobered up and is now a royal pain in the ass. Let's face it, the converted have always been the most vociferous defenders of their new religion. He has been hounding me to quit all my vices and live a clean, free life, just like him. Silly human. Altering one's consciousness is a privilege and a right. It's amazing that we can do that and see the world through another lens, even if only for a short while. However, like anything, if you abuse it, well then that's on you. Not me. Capish?
October 7, 2021
I went down to our barn and found that a bunch of wooden siding had been ripped off the back. As I looked closer, there were bear tracks all around the site and remnants of a bee nest that had been ripped apart. Evidently we had a bee colony living in the framing of our barn and no one knew it except this bear. Ah, the rural life.
October 10, 2021
Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!
October 11, 2021
She was aloof and stubborn and very few could put up with her ways. She never married, never had children, alienated her family to the point of exasperation and for her entire life, used her vexatious attitude as a shield to ward off all potential mates. Once, she adopted a cat, but it ran away. Alone and lonely, she wondered why life was such a hellhole, never suspecting that she herself was the cause and effect of all her misery.
October 12, 2021
Answering some mail.
You are not who you say you are! I know you are a very famous writer who slums it on this website so you can say all the crazy stuff you say and avoid the big trouble that would cause you if you said it as the famous writer you are but not as the low profile web publisher you claim to be. My question is whether you agree with my theory?
I married the wrong girl. I know that now. Funny thing is, I don't really feel the urge to change things. I like my life except for the bad marriage part. I have a speedboat I don't want to lose in the divorce, see. So I'm just going to live my life as it is. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
Can gurus really levitate?
In your opinion, what's the most amazing thing about the Earth.
The Earth itself. The fact that we're on it. The fact that we all exist.
I met Keanu Reeves and he was the most lovely person ever! Guess where I met him? On a bus! Famous movie star Keanu Reeves was taking a bus! He sat down in an empty seat and I immediately got up and sat down beside him! We were like old friends talking about stuff! You know, he's Canadian, you're Canadian, he's an actor, you're a screenwriter, he loves motorcycles, you love motorcycles, so, do you know him? Have you written any of his movies? What do you think of him?
I don't know him and have not written for him. You have way more insight into him than I do as you have actually spoken with him. It sounds like you had a wonderful encounter. Good on you both for that.
We are a mixed marriage - I am a Hindu and she's Jewish. She is also pregnant with our first child. The problem is this: in what religion do we raise our children? We have been fighting for months about this. There is tremendous pressure from both sides of the family. Do you have any ideas how to resolve this?
Why does it have to be one or the other? For your children to understand that their  parent's observe disparate religions, you might indoctrinate your children into both religions and when they are of adult age, they can choose for themselves what faith suits them. In the meantime, they would understand and respect each of their parent's beliefs instead of being ignorant about one or the other.
I'm sick of it all. There has to be more than I'm just going to be depressed about this shit existence until I die. You got anything to cheer me up?
You mean like a limerick or something?
October 13, 2021
One is deeply disapproving.
One is deeply unhappy.
How 'bout them Yankees.
October 15, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's as far as I've gotten but the day is still young
October 16, 2021
Their kid is 11 and he is already on Facebook. His parents have no idea how he comes up with the ideas he does. He is already politicized, bigoted, a believer of conspiracy theories and a troll. They grow up so (bad) and fast, eh Zuck?
October 19, 2021
Oh Brad, we're gonna love each other forever!
Yeah, well, don't count your chickens before
they hatch, if you get my drift, and I think ya do.
But I don't! Whatever do you mean, Brad?
Gosh Trish, if I have to explain it to ya...
Oh Brad, I...I feel we're drifting apart.
Am I just making this up in my silly little girl head?
Tell me I am, Brad. Tell me.
You're clingy, Trish. I'll tell you that.
You're so cruel!
I told you not to count them chickens.
I wish I was never born!
Yeah, well, that's another kettle of fish.
My god, Brad! Chickens! Fish! You know I'm a vegetarian!
I hate you! I will hate you forever!
That went south fast.
October 21, 2021
Someone with truly bad teeth told me that beauty was overrated. I could see how that could be so for him, but it's far from a universal truth, and is instead, like all our truths, just a personal, subjective one for him, just as my truths are for me and yours are for you. Capish?
October 23, 2021
                   Why even go to the beach?
October 24, 2021
Overheard two women at the bakery.
-- Everything looks so scrumptious.
-- If I allow myself this one indiscretion, then I promise I will work out on the treadmill for an extra hour tomorrow.
-- You have to make deals with yourself to eat a Nanaimo bar?
-- I must work off both the fat and the guilt.
-- But you're already in perfect shape!
-- And I intend to keep it that way.
-- Thank goodness I don't mind an extra 30 pounds, eh.
-- Right.
-- Ok, 40 pounds. But why do you drive yourself so hard?
-- It's pretty simple, Alice. If I'm not in great shape I'm afraid that Darren will leave me. I'm his trophy wife and must remain that way for his self-esteem, his business, and for me to stay accustomed to the life I currently live.
-- But at what cost, Liza?
October 25, 2021
First world problems: My hot tub is acting up. Sure, I have enough to eat. I have adequate shelter. I have my health. But my hot tub! Tee hee.
October 26, 2021
So many people wonder what the hell is going on. If I may. You are an independent thought machine living a personally created reality. Your thoughts are real and they create and shape the way you view reality. Thoughts are not just electromagnetic flights of fancy zipping around inside your head, thoughts are fully capable of becoming manifest if imbued with desire, energy and most importantly, belief. Belief that it will happen. Belief that you can make it happen. How else do you think this whole thing works? This life is about you -  and the thoughts you have about it.
October 28, 2021
Had a vexing situation that had already been the subject of 2 costly attempts to fix it. Lots of money was spent, lots of man hours put in, all to no avail. Like a dog with a bone, on the 3rd try to understand the problem, something simple was discovered that turned out to be dead simple to rectify. Huh.
October 30, 2021
If you don't know what you want, how would anybody else know? Parents, gurus, clergy, they might know what you need, but not what you want. If you don't define for yourself what it is you desire, how can you help yourself achieve it? Listen, if you think the juice is worth the squeeze, set goals, set targets, and work toward them. Self-examine to find those targets. Find out what it is you really want. Then do it.
October 31, 2021
It's Halloween. Here's a scary story. Jenny was making over a hundred grand a year when she lost her job due to being an anti-vaxxer.

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