KeithSpeak-September 2019

 

 
 
 
September 1, 2019
So I went looking for a particular item. This item is super common and can be found in many stores. First store had it but it was cheaply made. Second didn't even have it. Third had it but was way too expensive. The fourth store was out of town and had a much bigger selection. I purchased the item but when I got home I realized it didn't work. Fifth store I went into had the product but they were again cheaply made and not very durable. At the sixth and last store, I finally found what I was looking for. What's that old saw? Men don't like to shop? Haw.
 
September 2, 2019
Overheard two women in a clothing store.
-- You like this?
-- Nah.
-- Something darker?
-- Nah.
-- What about this?
-- I don't think so.
-- Ooh, this is cute.
-- Yeah, if you're a 90 year old dowager.
-- Well you pick out something for me.
-- Here, try this on.
-- I can't wear that! It's too revealing.
-- You got great tits. Show them off a little.  
-- Show them off? To who?
-- Never mind, Quinn, buy the old lady top, it's what all the dowagers are wearing.
-- God, Jane... That thing come in a large?
-- Here. Go try it on.
-- I'm not coming out in public with that on! You come into the dressing room with me.
-- Quinn, you've got the sexiest name for a woman who is anything but.
-- Yeah yeah, come on.
 
September 4, 2019
Don't let yourself be pushed around. Examine your position, be solid in your convictions, trust yourself. Lacking in any of these will result in your being pushed around. Capish?
 
September 5, 2019
Killing time, I went into a record store in an out of town mall and was thumbing through the rack of discount CDs. Most of the stuff was from an era I loved and I found a few gems. I go to pay the cashier, a pimply faced teen with dreads. He takes the stack of CDs and starts to look through them, commenting on each one in rapid succession. He's not ringing them up, mind you, he's just pawing through the stack and talking nonstop: "Who are The Allman Brothers? Never heard of 'em. Whipping Post. Midnight Rider. What are they, some kind of metal band? Isn't Marvin Gaye dead? Ornette Coleman, never heard of him. Tom Petty, he's dead. The Four Tops? Sugar Pie Honey Bunch - what kind of name is that for an album? You sure you found these CDs in this store? LOL, I'm just messing with you. I love this Who's Next cover with them pissing on the wall.  The synthesizers on this album are kick ass starting with Baba O'Riley and ending with Won't Get Fooled Again. Good choice. Didn't Jackson Browne beat up his girlfriend? John Prine, never heard of him. What's that last one. Little Feat? Who are they? I work in a record store, you'd think I'd know! But I don't! My name's Eric by the way. I'm originally from Coquitlam. I work here part-time and go to school. I'll just ring these up. You want a bag? You going into any of the other stores in the mall here? If so you'll need a bag. But environmental-wise, I wish you didn't want one because it's just more pollution really. All to carry a bunch of stupid CDs to your car. Use it once. Get home, take out the music and throw the bag away. We're strangling the oceans with our plastic. It's so unnecessary. People can be such fools. So, you want a bag?"
 
September 6, 2019
Ah, the 1950s, where every motel was crisp, sharp and well appointed. Take this place - sleek bungalows, a classic car and a horny Miss Ann, proprietor and permanent resident who sat by the pool everyday waiting for a decent looking traveller to fulfill her sexual needs on an ad hoc basis with the delightful prospect of another new different fellow tomorrow. The 1950s, it may have been a different era, but people are people.
 
September 8, 2019
My day is full: I shall be parked in front of the telly watching the Formula 1 race in Monza, Italy, the Toronto Blue Jays vs the Tampa Bay Rays, 2 NFL games and a rugby match between the US and Canada as a tune up for the World Cup of Rugby which starts this month, oh boy. By the time I finish it shall be bedtime. Damn, now that's a day.
 
September 10, 2019
Seriously, if the world had not recently endured the idiocy of Bush the moron, Trump the pussy grabbing goober would be seen as literally, the stupidest President in American history. Every time he opens his nasty little mouth to let out his nasty little lies he continues to race Bush for the Ultimate Idiot title. America, I'm holding you responsible - you've got 329 million people to choose from, you couldn't find anybody smarter than these two imbeciles?
 
September 12, 2019
I broke a glass and it shattered all over the dinner I had just prepared. The meal was made, we were ready to eat, and now no one knew if there was glass in the food. We all stared at it. All that deliciousness gone to waste. They say there is no use in crying over spilt milk, but what about lasagna?
 
September 13, 2019
I took a reckoning of the things I'm passionate about and the list is so...me. It showed moi to be a transcendent man, an enlightened being, the perfect human, and other such magnificent subjective grandiosities. But you are too. In your own way. Come on, is it not beyond the miraculous, beyond the unbelievable, beyond the pale that we all even exist? The rest is just nitpicking.
 
September 15, 2019
Overheard a mother and son at the gas station.
-- Can we go now? Are you finished? I want to go!
-- I still have to clean the windshield.
-- I want to do it!
-- You can't reach the windshield, Trevor.
-- Can too!
-- All right, here's the squeegee. Go ahead.
-- I'm not your slave! I'm not going to do your work for you!
-- Trevor, did you take your meds today?
-- (mimicking her) Trevor, did you take your meds today?
-- Well?
-- You're always asking me that! (mimicking her) Trevor, did you take your meds today? Leave me alone!
-- You didn't, did you?
-- Can we go now! I want to go! Come on!
-- Not until you take your pills.
-- I hate you!
-- Of course you do. Now swallow.
 
September 16, 2019
I know that Trump is the incompetent captain on the sinking ship that is the decline of the American era and that it's floundering in shallow waters because of his breathtaking stupidity, but doesn't the damn thing have lifeboats? Can't the passengers get off before he wrecks it on the rocks?
 
September 18, 2019
An American asked me how Canada is any better than the US. I said, "We have universal health care. Don't let anybody tell you that isn't magnificent because it most assuredly is."
He countered with, "Yeah, well, we're a military superpower", as if that was going to make a better country.
 
September 19, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The prez is orange
And yellow
And weak as they come
 
September 20, 2019
The Rugby World Cup starts today and for the next 6 weeks I shall be a keen observant. It's a brutal, primitive sport, not unlike politics. The difference being, a pussy could never win in rugby.
 
September 23, 2019
Had a business dealing with a disgruntled producer. First he tried to weasel his way out of an already signed contract. Then he tried to lower the remuneration and when neither of those things worked, he tried to cancel the contract without paying the already stipulated cancellation fee. My guild got involved. He ended up paying what I was owed. A while later I got an e-mail from him saying, "No hard feelings" and asking if I wanted in on another project of his. I wrote back, "Sorry, hard feelings."
 
September 24, 2019
Any day now there will be a first frost of the season. Everyone growing outdoor cannabis is acutely aware of the overnight temperatures. British Columbians in particular seem keenly interested in forecasts. It appears the meteorologists are flattered by all the attention. Said one 45 year old male, "I feel like the prettiest girl at the prom."
 
September 25, 2019
Question: Who can immediately boil your blood, make you have murder fantasies, make you want to strangle someone with your bare hands? Smug people, that's who. I met a smug bastard today. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to grind his smug little face into the pavement. Standing there and not hurting him was driving me crazy. I had to take my leave before I did something untoward and unforgivable. Smugness, I dunno, is it just me?
 
September 26, 2019
You weren't supposed to know, no one was supposed to know, still, you found out something shocking about someone you know. Of course, they don't know you know, and would be mortified if they did, but you feel awful keeping this a secret so at an inopportune moment you lose control and blurt out what you know. The other person is indeed mortified, so much so that words are insufficient and what now lies between you is the most awkward passage of time in the history of women.
 
September 28, 2019
We have a purple plum tree that is a favorite of bears in the Fall so I went out to see how it fared. Lousy timing. Three bears were in the tree. The one at the top had already broken off several major limbs in an attempt to reach far flung fruit. The other two were munching away on plums at ground level. I could see the tree was worse for wear but there was precious little I could do about that now. I turned back, they kept eating, the world advanced another day.
 
September 29, 2019
Let the impeachment begin! Let Trump squirm. Let Trump go red in the face as he blusters his incoherent bullshit and blatant lies. Let Trump feel stressed, unloved, freaked out and realize he is as stupid as they say he is. Let Trump suffer like he has made so many others suffer through his xenophobic, misogynistic, racist policies. Let Trump rot in his own delusions and toss his useless, lazy, fat ass out of office. Yes, let the impeachment begin!
 

 
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