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KeithSpeak - October 2019


October 1, 2019
You tell everyone that you're miserable. You constantly complain about the most trivial stuff. You're mad, you're deeply unhappy and you don't have a clue as to how to fix it. Well here's a tip - Stop whining. Stop complaining. Stop kvetching. Start appreciating. Start to look for the good and positive in things. Start to like yourself and see if that doesn't turn your life around. Hey, if all else fails, you can always go back to being a miserable son of a bitch.
October 2, 2019
The Trump's are hillbillies. She is clueless and aloof. He is ignorant beyond any measure. Their kids are pond scum. Together they are an ugly, icky, messed up family of American grifters. Jed Clampett would have been a more credible President.
October 3, 2019
I'm so tired of all this.
I'm so depressed.
What's it all for?
If I jumped off this bridge, would anybody even notice?
Everything is so hard.
My neck is sore.
This beak is so heavy.
I'm so lonely.
I'm seriously contemplating jumping off this bridge.
October 5, 2019
An "expert" told me something that I suspected wasn't true. He made something up and expected me to believe it because he was the "expert". Did he not know who he was lying to? C'est moi, so I called him on his made up assertion. He fumbled and bumbled and squirmed. Just as I thought... If you're keeping score, that's Keith 1, "Expert" 0
October 6, 2019
Dear Keith,
I am 42 years old, a bachelor, and got into building model airplanes. But flying them was impossible as they were plastic and glue and not real planes so it was crash after crash after crash after crash after crash after crash after crash after crash after crash after crash after crash. 11 planes, 11 crashes. Then I got into drones. At first I would look at landscapes from on high but now I fly my drone outside the windows of pretty women and watch them have sex. My question? Should I have a whole fleet of drones named something like JoJo's Flying Voyeur Horde or JoJo's Winged Flesh Monsters or something cool like that?
JoJo in search of a name for his squad
Dear J,
What you're doing is against the law, super creepy and highly troubling. I suggest you quit this sordid business and instead of illegally violating the privacy of others, why don't you, I dunno, do something else? And good god, why did it take 11 planes to figure out they weren't going to fly?
October 7, 2019
Hardly anybody outside the country knows that we are currently in the midst of a federal election. In Canada, they are allowed to campaign for 36 to 50 days. That's it! 5-6 weeks! This, as opposed to the 2 year circus that are elections in America - and after all that time a loser like Trump is the best they can come up with. Clearly, the length of the campaign has nothing to do with quality.
October 8, 2019
Candles melt. Hearts break. Bridges collapse. Nothing is permanent. Imagine trying to cement a legacy knowing that! Fortunately, I'm a legend in my own mind. Entropy solved.
October 10, 2019
When they dump Trump, I can't wait for the deluded old man to melt down like a puddle of rancid orange butter. Can't wait to watch his brand go toxic. Can't wait for the needy, lying, racist, psycho narcissist to become a shunned pariah. Then widdle baby Donnie, his robot wife, his grifter daughter and plastic son-in-law and the two useless pieces of twaddle he calls sons can all go out and buy umbrellas because the world is going to shit on them like they shit on the world. Oh yes, can't wait.
October 12, 2019
Overheard two men and a woman in line at the bank.
-- Where did you say you were from?
-- The Dalles, Oregon. We thought we'd take a little trip up north to see some of Canada.
-- And who's 'we'?
-- Oh, me and the missus. This here's Charlene. Charlene was a school teacher for 35 years and just retired. When September come around and she would normally be starting the new school year only now she wasn't on account of retiring, well, she got a bit down. Isn't that right, honey? This is a little trip to unwind her. She can get all worked up over stuff.  
-- Can I make a suggestion?
-- Depends.
-- On what.
-- On what you're gonna say.
-- Do you want to hear it?
-- If it's something we done that offended you, I apologise. We're the tourists here and neither of us ever been before.
-- No, it's more of a suggestion.
-- Oh, ok, what is it?
-- You might not want to wear those MAGA hats in Canada. Trump is reviled up here. Nice, polite Canadians will go out of their way to call you out on that hat. It incites people. Besides, this is not the US, he is not a politician up here, and we are currently in the middle of our own federal election to elect our Prime Minister. So, I'm just sayin'...
(silence for 5 full seconds)
-- If you said that to me at home, I'd be giving you a piece of my mind. But I ain't gonna take offense at that because like I said, we're the strangers here and we don't want to incite nobody. So thanks. Take your hat off, honey. So can I assume...tell me, are you a Trump supporter?
-- Not in the fucking least.
-- I see.
(Teller calls out, "Next")
-- That's us. Have a nice day, stranger. Say goodbye to the liberal heathen, honey.
-- Goodbye.
-- Fuck off.
October 13, 2019
When I was a young boy my parents took me to a seafood restaurant. They had a fish tank with live lobsters in it. You were supposed to pick out which lobster you wanted for dinner and they would fish it out and go boil it alive for you. What?! Boil it alive?! What!!!!! To say I was blown away, shocked, offended and heartbroken was an understatement. My god, here we are half a century later and I'm still talking about it.
October 14, 2019
It's Thanksgiving Day in Canada. Canadians everywhere are issuing loads of thanks and heaps of gratitude for this marvelous country and splendid place in which we all live. With extreme pleasure I add my voice to the chorus. Amen.
October 15, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Whoever said that all's fair in love and war
Never slayed anybody in either
October 16, 2019
He was a pastor and she was a housewife with 5 young kids. They appeared to be a happy normal family, but behind closed doors he was a tyrant. He was abusive and mean. He harangued his wife and beat the kids. She prayed for salvation. It came in the form of a bag of marijuana she purchased at a local dispensary. She started putting pot in all his meals. He mellowed out without knowing why. He continued to praise god, but she now pledged her allegiance to a weed. Salvation comes in many forms.
October 17, 2019
Athlete after athlete, celebrity after celebrity, they all swear that god guided them to their victories. And the others, the non winners? Well obviously, god abandoned them. They were not worthy. They were shit. They were losers. But not me. Praise god. Gak.
October 18, 2019
Overheard two teen boys at the water park.
-- Josh told me that Aaron's mom got a boob job.
-- Have you seen her? She's huge!
-- How come a hot milf like her doesn't come to the waterslide and instead we get Kenny Allison's mom with her flat chest and hairy armpits?
-- She's European. They don't shave their pits.
-- Yeah, but she's nothing to look at is my point.
-- Have you seen Eric's mom? She's hot.
-- Which one is she?
-- On the lounger in the blue bikini.
-- That's Eric's mom?!
-- Yeah.
-- Man, she is smokin'. How did I miss her? I can tell you one thing right now.
-- What's that?
-- Me and Eric are going to become best friends so I can hang out at his house and look at her all day.
-- I thought you hated Eric?
-- I do. He's a prick. But look at her!  
-- Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Eric was crushing on your mom right now at the same time?
-- No. Why would you even say that?
-- I dunno.
-- Let's just keep things real with Mrs. Eric's mom, ok?
-- Sure.
October 19, 2019
Democratic Campaign slogan considerations:
That sort of thing. You know, the truth.
October 21, 2019
It's election day in Canada. Voting is a right for all citizens and an obligation, Not voting is a self-centered apathy that says way more about the non voter than it does the people or institutions they supposedly hate. So vote. Today. (Unless you're voting against who I like, in which case, stay home. Be smart. Avoid what you don't like. It'll all be over by tomorrow. That's a good lad.)
October 22, 2019
The past is alive. It is not by any stretch of the imagination set in stone, locked in place, permanently etched in the annals of time. It's alive, malleable, plastic in nature and that means you can change the past. Not only can your memories of the past change, the past itself is affected by those changes. Is too.
October 24, 2019
I was watching our neighbour plowing his field when he suddenly stopped his tractor, jumped off and ran about 15 feet away. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary until the first wisps of smoke. That was soon followed by flames and in no time at all, the tractor was consumed by fire. My neighbour stood and watched it burn, a fireball in the middle of a 20 acre field. It looked like something from a movie. A real horror show.
October 26, 2019
Met a small town, small time dick. He was so full of himself that it was a wonder his clothes didn't burst at the seams. Everyone hated him. Fortunately, small town took his attitude to the big town and paid the price in a place where people don't care who you think you are.
October 27, 2019
Dear Keith,
Now don't pitch a fit 'cause I know this is a pet peeve of yours but I have no one else to turn to and this is so very bizarre. So hear me out, ok? My husband, Carl the Dumbfuck, wants to name our soon to be due twins, a boy and a girl, Abcd and #Hashtag. Is this man not out of his mind?! Them names aren't gender specific! Is Abcd the girl or the boy? What sex is #Hashtag? It's confusing. See what I mean? Help!
What gender Mom
Dear Mom,
You're concerned about the genders of Abcd and #Hashtag? Really? You haven't protested a couple of the worst names ever given children in the history of the world? You aren't at all concerned how those kids will have to go through life with those awful attachments? And clearly you haven't thought about the million times they will ask you and your husband why you named them what you did because you, Carl and Mrs. Dumbfuck, have no good reasons why you did what you did. It's confusing all right.
October 28, 2019
To all the simple ones that wrote in and said that Abcd and #Hashtag were "super cool 21st century names", I flub my lips at you. Flub flub.
October 30, 2019
And now for something completely different...
A distracted old man was eating a peach on a bus stop bench. Next to him was a box of peaches. He would reach down, grab one, take a single bite out of it, and then throw the rest at passing cars. He did this with 3 peaches and 3 cars until the 4th peach. It must have been rotten because he didn't even take a bite of it and instead hurled it at a pickup truck, the driver of which slammed on the brakes, backed the truck up to the bus stop, hopped out and proceeded to pummel the old man with his own peaches. Then he jumped back in his truck and sped away. It was literally a real life Monty Python sketch.
October 31, 2019
There were flurries this morning and the mountains around town all have snow on them. I put the tire chains and snow plow on the tractor. The mowers, chain saws and brush saws have all been winterized and put away for the next 6 months. The house and office gutters have been cleaned of fallen leaves, the firewood has been stacked and the only thing left to do in preparation for the coming cold is to drain and refill the hot tub before the outside water lines freeze. Soon, there shall be blankets of white snow, crystal, frosty air and quietly stunning scenery coalescing into the exact stereotype of what everyone thinks Canada is - cool.

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