KeithSpeak- November 2019

 

 
 
 
November 1, 2019
I have been a good boy for almost a year. I got a speeding ticket late last November and in British Columbia, if you don't get any more tickets within a year, your points are eliminated and your insurance does not go up. I have 29 days left. That means for 336 days I have been trying my darndest not to run over any pedestrians. But soon, I shall be free to do that and more! Stand back!
 
November 3, 2019
She was a beautiful woman with brains to match. And there was the rub. She intimidated every guy she ever went out with. They couldn't keep up. The simple ones just stared at her breasts and talked sports. The smarter ones grew afraid of her intellect and would slowly clam up. The cute ones were fun in the beginning but their flaws were magnified because they all skated by on their looks. You might not think being a beautiful woman with brains to match would be a curse in life, but everyone has issues.
 
November 4, 2019
New Wikipedia entry consideration:
'Political Pieces Of Shit' - an article delineating the 5th grade stupidity of Trump the Chump, his moronic sons and feckless daughter, his robot wife and his posse of losers, punks and grifters populating a stinking, fetid morass of an administration propped up by Moscow Mitch, Leningrad Lindsey and all the other pieces of shit currently making up the Republican party of fools. Hell, I'd toss a few coins Wikipedia's way for the truth in that article.
 
November 7, 2019
I'm not positive that cats are aliens disguised as cats, but I'm pretty sure they are. Don't believe me? Ask anyone with cats, they'll tell you.
 
November 8, 2019
It's been rumoured that even aliens visiting Earth think Trump is mentally deficient. Said one, who wishes to remain anonymous, "Have you heard him speak? He slurs his words, lies like a bona fide know nothing, rambles incoherently about useless twaddle and in the end goons it up like he's something genuine. From a galactic standpoint, he is a total loser. There are rocks on the moon with more on the ball that this vacuous, stupid, anachronistic wannabe. My god, you should hear what they say about him on the outer planets! This is not a good look for Earth. I'm just sayin'..."
 
November 9, 2019
I'm opening the gate at the top of our driveway when I look up and see a quarter horse, by itself, with no human around, just walking down the middle of the road. I step out to meet her. She has no tack on but there is a collar around her neck with a big dog tag that says, 'Lily', with a phone number. Long story short, the owner (who lives over 3 miles away) says that he has 250 acres where she roams and sometimes she just wanders off the place. He said Lily is 16 and very sweet. As if to prove that, like a giant golden retriever, she followed me up into our fenced field while we waited for her ride back home.
 
November 10, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Walls are for xenophobes
Tariffs too.
 
xenophobe [zee-nuh-fohb] a person who fears or hates foreigners, people from different cultures, or strangers.
Synonym: pussy
Examples of xenophobic pussies: Trump, Moscow Mitch, Leningrad Lindsey
 
November 12, 2019
This is what happened here today, minus the cardinal.
 
November 14, 2019
He was 7'2" tall and over 400 pounds. He was the biggest man I've ever seen in person. His head was huge; his brains must have been very big; he must have been very smart. But wait, he's wearing a Happy Gilmore T shirt? Adam Sandler? Really? Perhaps I was wrong about the cranial capacity thing.
 
November 15, 2019
Overheard two teens.
-- I hate your sister.
-- No you don't.
-- I do too.
-- No you don't. In fact, you're crazy about her.
-- I am. She drives me insane with lust.
-- Yeah, like I want to hear that.
-- She acts like I don't exist.
-- You don't. To her you're just my friend and she is not the least bit interested in you.
-- I'm gonna ask her out anyway.
-- Don't do it unless you want to be humiliated. You should see the studs she goes out with. Trust me, dude, you can't compete.
-- Your sister is a goddamn goddess and I'm going to tell her that. I just need you to, you know, pave the way. Tell her how cool I am and stuff.
-- You're not and stuff.
-- Fine. It doesn't matter if you help.  I'm gonna marry your sister.
-- Now you're just delusional.
-- You think she would marry me?
-- No.
-- Really?
-- Yes.
-- I'm serious.
-- So am I.
 
November 16, 2019
A homeless guy was outside a grocery store with a cardboard sign that said he hadn't eaten in days. Now I've seen kids and adults eating everything from pickles to cookies to nuts and cheese plucked from the grocery store shelves and consumed while they shopped. Not one of them were ever removed from the store. Actually, nobody ever said anything. If I were the hungry homeless fellow I'd grab a cart, throw in some items to make me look legit, and then eat anything that appealed to me while I "shopped". When sated, I'd abandon the cart and walk out of the store. It's stealing versus begging, maybe that's just me?
 
November 18, 2019
I ran into a friend's 75 year old mother on the street and we chatted for a bit. Just as I was about to walk on, she grabbed me by the arm and said, "Wait, maybe you can help me with something... I know you're an artist... Well, artists, drugs... Um, I want to make pot cookies but I don't know how. Do you?" It was so cute.
 
November 19, 2019
I did a screenplay for a well known actor's production company, and though he said it was just what he was looking for, he proceeded to rewrite the entire thing. He gave himself twice the lines of dialogue and nearly twice the scenes. It wasn't a movie so much as a monument to his ego. Fortunately, for every good reason in the world, it never got made.
 
November 21, 2019
Two foxes were asleep under the big fir tree outside my office window. Huh, I don't know if I have ever said those words before.
 
November 22, 2019
A very famous movie star is in town to shoot some scenes. I know this because a giant limo was blocking my exit from a parking space and when I asked the chauffer to move it he said that a very famous movie star was in town shooting some scenes. That's really groovy, could you move your car? He continues, I'm not at liberty to say who the movie star is, but I have been driving her around and she is very nice. That's super amazing, now move. You'd know her, he says, she's really very famous - but don't ask me who she is because I won't tell! Look, if you don't move this I'm going to snatch your little chauffer cap and throw it across the parking lot so when you get out of the limo to retrieve it, I'm going to get in and take it for a joy ride. Easy, man, he says, all you had to do was ask. Grrrr.
 
November 23, 2019
                                        Trump is being impeached! Trump is being impeached!
 
November 25, 2019
Overheard a couple at the pharmacy.
-- I can't believe we're here. I'm so torn about this. Is she too young to put on the pill?
-- We've gone over this, Martha. She's already having sex so-
-- How do you know that?
-- What do you mean?
-- Has she told you she's having sex?
-- No, but...
-- But what, Eric?
-- I just assumed...
-- You just assumed that our daughter is having sex? That's bullshit, Eric. And now that I think about it, you're the one that brought up the pill and you're the one who's been pushing for it...
-- Oh come on, Martha.
(She cocks her head like she is figuring something out)
-- Have you been having sex with our daughter?
-- What?!
-- Oh my god, you have! That's why you want her on the pill! You sick bastard! Oh my god, Eric!
-- Martha, can we not do this here?
-- You sick son of a bitch! Incest! My god!
-- Martha...
-- Don't come back to the house and don't you dare come near Lexi. You and I are done, you sick fuck. My lawyer will tell you when you can pick up your stuff.
-- Martha...
 
November 26, 2019
Found out something I thought was insured, wasn't. It's an expensive something too. Something big. Like a building. Actually it is a building. I thought the building was insured. It wasn't. Is that kind of egregious boo boo a simple mistake, a subconscious effort to sabotage or the onset of memory impairment and brain rot? Hmm, jury's still out.
 
November 28, 2019
And they wonder how this sort of thing can happen:
 
She was yawning and trying her best to stay awake and appear to be interested, but her date was boring and uninspiring.
 
He found her very attractive, very sexy and couldn't wait to get past dinner so that he could try out some moves on her.
 
She wishes she had downloaded the fake phone call app so that she could ring herself and feign an emergency to end this interminable date.
 
He kept staring at her breasts in the hopes that he might touch them and more later.
 
She got up to go to the bathroom, took her coat and purse, walked out the front door, hailed a cab and ended her dreadful date.
 
He knew she was taking a long time in the bathroom so he started fantasizing that she was all worked up about him and had to rub one out before she returned. He considered himself a stud who was about to get lucky. Neither of which was true. But he didn't know that. Yet.
 
She was home in her pajamas watching Netflix when the phone rang.
 
He couldn't believe she had walked out on him like that.
 
She told him that she wasn't interested.
 
He pressed her. Could he come over now?
 
She levelled with him. It was frank, brutal and she held nothing back. There was no mistaking her intent or decisiveness.
 
He started fantasizing about her again. Except this time it was non consensual, forced sex where he was in control and in charge and she would dearly pay for humiliating him.
 
She hung up on him.
 
He planned his revenge.
 
And they wonder how this sort of thing can happen.
 
November 29, 2019
There is no reason in the world that you shouldn't believe in yourself and your potential. Regardless of what teachers, clergy and family members may tell you about your faults, sins, or excesses, they aren't you. So, what are you telling yourself?
 

 
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