KeithSpeak- November 2019

 

 
 
 
November 1, 2019
I have been a good boy for almost a year. I got a speeding ticket late last November and in British Columbia, if you don't get any more tickets within a year, your points are eliminated and your insurance does not go up. I have 29 days left. That means for 336 days I have been trying my darndest not to run over any pedestrians. But soon, I shall be free to do that and more! Stand back!
 
November 3, 2019
She was a beautiful woman with brains to match. And there was the rub. She intimidated every guy she ever went out with. They couldn't keep up. The simple ones just stared at her breasts and talked sports. The smarter ones grew afraid of her intellect and would slowly clam up. The cute ones were fun in the beginning but their flaws were magnified because they all skated by on their looks. You might not think being a beautiful woman with brains to match would be a curse in life, but everyone has issues.
 
November 4, 2019
New Wikipedia entry consideration:
'Political Pieces Of Shit' - an article delineating the 5th grade stupidity of Trump the Chump, his moronic sons and feckless daughter, his robot wife and his posse of losers, punks and grifters populating a stinking, fetid morass of an administration propped up by Moscow Mitch, Leningrad Lindsey and all the other pieces of shit currently making up the Republican party of fools. Hell, I'd toss a few coins Wikipedia's way for the truth in that article.
 
November 7, 2019
I'm not positive that cats are aliens disguised as cats, but I'm pretty sure they are. Don't believe me? Ask anyone with cats, they'll tell you.
 
November 8, 2019
It's been rumoured that even aliens visiting Earth think Trump is mentally deficient. Said one, who wishes to remain anonymous, "Have you heard him speak? He slurs his words, lies like a bona fide know nothing, rambles incoherently about useless twaddle and in the end goons it up like he's something genuine. From a galactic standpoint, he is a total loser. There are rocks on the moon with more on the ball that this vacuous, stupid, anachronistic wannabe. My god, you should hear what they say about him on the outer planets! This is not a good look for Earth. I'm just sayin'..."
 
November 9, 2019
I'm opening the gate at the top of our driveway when I look up and see a quarter horse, by itself, with no human around, just walking down the middle of the road. I step out to meet her. She has no tack on but there is a collar around her neck with a big dog tag that says, 'Lily', with a phone number. Long story short, the owner (who lives over 3 miles away) says that he has 250 acres where she roams and sometimes she just wanders off the place. He said Lily is 16 and very sweet. As if to prove that, like a giant golden retriever, she followed me up into our fenced field while we waited for her ride back home.
 
November 10, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Walls are for xenophobes
Tariffs too.
 
xenophobe [zee-nuh-fohb] a person who fears or hates foreigners, people from different cultures, or strangers.
Synonym: pussy
Examples of xenophobic pussies: Trump, Moscow Mitch, Leningrad Lindsey
 
November 12, 2019
This is what happened here today, minus the cardinal.
 
November 14, 2019
He was 7'2" tall and over 400 pounds. He was the biggest man I've ever seen in person. His head was huge; his brains must have been very big; he must have been very smart. Although he was wearing a Happy Gilmore T shirt. Adam Sandler? Really? Perhaps I was wrong about the cranial capacity thing.
 
November 15, 2019
Overheard two teens.
-- I hate your sister.
-- No you don't.
-- I do too.
-- No you don't. In fact, you're crazy about her.
-- I am. She drives me insane with lust.
-- Yeah, like I want to hear that.
-- She acts like I don't exist.
-- You don't. To her you're just my friend and she is not the least bit interested in you.
-- I'm gonna ask her out anyway.
-- Don't do it unless you want to be humiliated. You should see the studs she goes out with. Trust me, dude, you can't compete.
-- Your sister is a goddamn goddess and I'm going to tell her that. I just need you to, you know, pave the way. Tell her how cool I am and stuff.
-- You're not and stuff.
-- Fine. It doesn't matter if you help.  I'm gonna marry your sister.
-- Now you're just delusional.
-- You think she would marry me?
-- No.
-- Really?
-- Yes.
-- I'm serious.
-- So am I.
 
November 16, 2019
A homeless guy was outside a grocery store with a cardboard sign that said he hadn't eaten in days. Now I've seen kids and adults eating everything from pickles to cookies to nuts and cheese plucked from the grocery store shelves and consumed while they shopped. Not one of them were ever removed from the store. Actually, nobody ever said anything. If I were the hungry homeless fellow I'd grab a cart, throw in some items to make me look legit, and then eat anything that appealed to me while I "shopped". When sated, I'd abandon the cart and walk out of the store. Sure, it's stealing versus begging, but that's just me.
 
November 18, 2019
I ran into a friend's 75 year old mother on the street and we chatted for a bit. Just as I was about to walk on, she grabbed me by the arm and said, "Wait, maybe you can help me with something... I know you're an artist... Well, artists, drugs... Um, I want to make pot cookies but I don't know how. Do you?" It was so cute.

 

 

 

 

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