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KeithSpeak-September 2015


September 1, 2015
September is here!
September 2, 2015
Something went wrong with their corporate project and it floundered out of control eating money until the company pulled the plug. In the post-mortem meeting there was a whole lot of coulda, woulda, shoulda. The head of the project finally stood up, accepted full blame for the failure and offered his resignation. To his shock and horror, it was accepted. Over dinner that night he told his wife he was no longer employed. Not taking it well, she flung her steak knife, killing him instantly. At the murder trial there was a whole lot of coulda, woulda, shoulda. The wife finally stood up, accepted full blame and threw herself on the mercy of the court. To her shock and horror, they executed her. The moral? Obviously, don't take credit for bad things.
September 3, 2015
At the grocery I heard a 10 year old kid tell her mother that she was going to be on Dancing With The Stars one day, and then twirled herself down the soup aisle until she got dizzy and knocked over an Ichiban noodle display. Her mother helped her up and said, "Nola, it's Dancing With The Stars.  You're a nobody. The show ain't called Dancing With Nobodies. Now pick up them noodles." Ah, nothing like a mother's love.
September 4, 2015
I'm at the government liquor store when I hear a kid start to cry. There's a child in the liquor store? Is that allowed? I look around but there's no one else in there except me and two clerks, neither of which has a kid with them. I asked if they heard one crying. Both said no. I asked if there were any kids in the back of the store. Both said no. My next question was to myself: do I really need alcohol right now?
September 5, 2015
You may have wondered to yourself why there are so many ignorant people in the world. The answer has to do with personal development and where each individual is with that. You live many lives, experience many things within those lives and then learn from those experiences. Through it all, you are learning about yourself. Learning about yourself is personal development. Eventually, you get to the point where you are not so ignorant and then, well, the possibilities are truly unlimited, infinite, endless, which they have been all along, it's just that now you are aware of it and can consciously determine the kinds of experiences you desire. You are a creator and your life is your creation, whether you are aware of that or not.
September 6, 2015
Overheard downtown.
-- I know I shouldn't say this but I hate my son.
-- Lenny or Jojo?
-- Jojo.
-- How come?
-- Everything he does rubs me the wrong way. He's just like his father - which is why I divorced the bastard. Only now I gotta see it every day in my kid.
-- That's too bad.
-- He irritates me no end. I want to kill him in his sleep.
-- What about Lenny?
-- I couldn't ask Lenny to kill him.
-- No, I mean, you know, how is Lenny?
-- Lenny's an angel. Jojo's the problem.
September 7, 2015
The Street Relay Games in Tehran were a fiasco when Grandma Haddy failed to make the shopping bag handoff to Jamal. "He took off too early!" she complained. "I couldn't catch up! See me holding out the bag - he's already ten feet in front of me! He left too damn early! What? Jamal blames this on me? Jamal's a dirtbag."
September 8, 2015
Years ago I knew a guy who had faked mental instability to avoid military service. Twenty-five years later he paid the piper. He was offered a prestigious job at one of the world's leading universities located in a foreign country. He quit his job, sold his house and car, got rid of his possessions, booked a non refundable first class ticket and was having a farewell dinner with friends when his phone rang. It was the college calling to tell him that his services would not be required as they were withdrawing the job offer. When he asked why, they told him that his rejection from military service for mental instability was why. He knew if he told them the truth, that he had created a rouse to avoid service, that they would have thought even less of him than they obviously already did, so he just sighed and hung up. Though this is the definition of karma, reaping what you sow, paying the piper, it's still a life changer - just as avoiding military service was twenty-five years earlier.
September 9, 2015
First world problems: the hot tub pump went out.
September 10, 2015
Overheard at a conference.
-- Did you bring your wife?
-- Yeah.
-- Me too. You know, I hear all these stories about people hooking up and having wild sex at conferences, but nothing like that has ever happened to me.
-- Maybe because you bring your wife.
-- But even we don't have sex. She just sits by the pool, gets sunburned and then I can't touch her for the rest of the trip.
-- What if you go to a conference without her. See what happens.
-- She would never let me do that.
-- Well what if she does it first? What if say, I were to go up and seduce her during the day when you're at the conference, and then you would have a free pass to do the same.
-- Oh, I dunno...
-- It'd be easy. I could pretend to meet her at the pool. Offer to put lotion on, help her with that suntan, take it from there. It's a plan then?
-- Um...
September 12, 2015
This picture was shot in Bray, Ireland. I have a good friend who is from Bray. That's really the only reason I'm posting this. But this is not my friend. I don't know who this is. My friend probably doesn't know who this is. And of course, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't.
September 14, 2015
At 4:15 this morning I drove my wife to the airport an hour and a half away. Along the way we passed a guy changing a tire on a truck in the dark by the side of the road. We got to the airport, I dropped off my wife and headed back. On my return, some forty minutes later, I came upon the guy STILL changing his tire. That wasn't right, so I stopped to offer help. The rear of the truck was jacked up but the blown out tire was still firmly attached. What was he waiting for? Turns out, as he was jacking the truck up, he heard a bunch of rustling in the bushes and when a bear emerged, he freaked out and threw the tire iron at it. The bear retreated into the bushes, but he wasn't about to go looking for his tire iron in there, in the dark, with a bear he may have just wounded or at least made mad.  Consequently, he couldn't remove the lug nuts and he couldn't lower the truck off the jack. Is this not a Canadian story? I was able to help and fifteen minutes later we were both on our way, each with a story to tell.
September 15, 2015
It's plain and simple - you will never be happy unless you are doing what you want to be doing.
September 16, 2015
If you're going to blame others for the misfortunes in your life, to whom do you attribute its successes? Listen carefully - your failures and your successes all come from the same source - you. Believe it.
September 17, 2015
Why should the praise or scorn of others determine your self-worth? You can love yourself or hate yourself, but until you love yourself, the praise or scorn of others will have way more influence over your life than it should.
September 18, 2015
Recently met a collector, which is a euphemism for a hoarder. This fellow's "collection" consisted of anything he found and brought home. Mountains of junk filled his personal space. It was both awe inspiring and disturbing, a near perfect example of other people's lives.
September 19, 2015
She was 31 years old and 10 feet tall; he was an infatuated young shrimp. She fell for his boyish ways, he her coquettish gigantism. He loved her saddle shoes and pencil skirt, she the fact that he was "scrumptiously little".
Unconventional? Yes. Illegal? Quite possibly. Inspiring? Um...
September 21, 2015
I was watching a football game without sound because sometimes I want to reach through the TV and strangle the cliché ridden diarrhea mouth idiots calling the game but then my finger instinctively finds the mute button and sanity is restored. Anyhoo, I was silently watching the head coach of one team remonstrate and scream and harass the refs and throw tantrums and pace the sidelines muttering to himself like a mad hatter and without sound, he just looked like an idiot man-child running loose from the asylum. Great, now there were idiots in the press box and an idiot down on the field. Are they daring me to change the channel and watch snooker?
September 23, 2015
A good friend I hadn't seen in a few months asked me what I've been doing with my time. In all honesty, I had nothing to say. Life has gone on, of course, but none of it has been so spectacular, sweet or amazing that there was a need to elaborate, so I just shrugged. He said, Me too.
September 24, 2015
Down at the waterfront I met a family of tourists from Germany. There were eight of them and they were all dressed identically. They were wearing Tyrolean hats with feathers, green lederhosen, brown shoes and T-shirts that said, 'Hello, we are the Hollensteiners!' in about 20 different languages. It was cute, it was kitschy, it was a little creepy. I asked them how many people in their travels had called them the von Trapps? The father got an excited look on his face and said, "Yes! People say this! Why do people say this?" I told them that the Sound Of Music was a very popular film in North America. "But the von Trapp family had ten! We are only eight! I don't understand." I wondered if even Julie Andrews could explain her way out of this.
September 25, 2015
Inspirational Birthday Quotes
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
                                                                Steven Wright
September 28, 2015
You're walking along the road and come across a burlap bag. In your mind, in the bag there is either
a.) untold riches
b.) an abandoned kitten
c.) anonymous trash and used diapers from some unknown baby's bottom.
Do you
a.) pick up the bag to see what's in it, accepting the responsibility for either a kitten or a bag of trash and diapers
b.) softly poke the bag trying not to hurt the potential kitten inside but still trying to determine if there are the hard edges of jewels or the riffle of paper money within
c.) forego all that and immediately assure yourself that it can only contain riches because that is how the rich transport their riches, in plain burlap bags, and that this one must have fallen off the truck so without hesitation you pick up the bag and open it, or do you simply
d.) walk on by?
September 29, 2015
Overheard at a store.
-- Did Larry call you?
-- No, why?
-- He just said he was going to, so I was curious if he did.
-- Well he didn't.
-- Too bad.
-- Why was he going to call? Do you know something you're not telling me?
-- Oh, honey, I don't know anything. It's just that Larry never says he's gonna do something and then doesn't do it. He's Mr. Dependable, right?
-- Now you've got me worried.
-- Well why don't you call him to see what he wanted?
-- You want me to call a guy who told you he was going to call me but never did, so now I'm suppose to call him first and ask why he never called me after he told you he would even though he hasn't and now I'm calling to ask why?
-- Well, yeah.
September 30, 2015
Oh boy, the Toronto Blue Jays will clinch the AL East today. October baseball in Canada! Plus, the NHL preseason is on now. The NFL is in its 4th week. The AFL Grand Finals are less than a week away and the Rugby World Cup is in full swing. So, baseball, hockey, football, rugby and Australian Rules Football vie for my loving attention. And you know what? I shall give it. I shall give it all.

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