KeithSpeak - October 2015

 

 
 
 
October 1, 2015
Why would you not think you're in charge of your own destiny, future or fate? Why ascribe everything that happens to you as the work of some god or devil? To give the authority for your actions and thoughts over to some fantasy fiction merely removes you from the position of power you hold and essentially abdicates responsibility for your life. WAKE UP. Accept responsibility for everything you do and you will come to understand that you are in control of it all. Are too.
 
October 2, 2015
Read about an 85 year old guy drowning in a hot tub while having oral sex with his 32 year old neighbour's wife. Seems he was underwater administering to her when she had such an explosive, long lasting orgasm that she didn't realize she was holding him down until it was all over for both of them. C'est tragic?
 
October 3, 2015
                                       "Don't let anyone see I'm getting the fried cheese balls."
 
October 4, 2015
Two girls are in love and want to get married. One set of parents is pleased for them, while the others are unhappy and in shock. They get together to discuss it. To help the liberal parents understand how traumatic this is for them, the conservative parents say, "Imagine that a gay George Bush wants to marry his fiancé Stephen Harper and they want your blessing. There's no way you would sanction that. And there you have our dilemma."
 
October 9, 2015
I have been ailing this past week - cough cough, hack hack. Things, however, are looking up. Unfortunately, this is all I've got for today. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be so much better. Will too.
 
October 10, 2015
As opposed to...
 
October 11, 2015
It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. Me, I'm thankful that we have baseball, football and rugby on the telly all on the same day. Isn't this what the pilgrims fought for?
 
October 13, 2015
Overheard a father and son at the gas station.
-- You gonna vote next week?
-- Yup.
-- Who for?
-- Anybody but Harper.
-- That's my boy.
 
October 15, 2015
The Toronto Blue Jays have reached the League Championship Series. Shall they prevail, the World Series looms. OMG. Seriously.
 
October 16, 2015
Ran into a store to get a loaf of bread and as I passed the loading dock, I saw an old friend of mine offloading his big rig. I literally did a double take because when I last knew the guy he was a university professor! Now he's driving a tractor trailer delivering groceries to my little town? Long story short, several years ago his wife and daughter were killed by a drunk driver and he said he could no longer live the life he did before the tragedy. "I couldn't stay put and pretend everything was like it used to be. I had to keep moving. So I quit teaching, learned to drive an 18 wheeler and have been on the road ever since." I also used to be a long haul trucker and loved it. I asked him if he liked it. "No. I cry all the time and hate that my life has been reduced to this."
 
October 17, 2015
Two more days until we Canadians can oust uber weenie Stephen Harper from the Prime Minister's office. Then he can take his milk white alien eyes and his fear mongering idiocies back to his spiritual home in the filthy oil sands of northern Alberta and become an antediluvian fossil just like the shells they are sucking out of the ground up there. He'll fit right in: dirty, prehistoric, anachronistic. October 19th. Anyone but Harper.
 
October 19, 2015
A musician friend from London wrote and told me he had just passed Paul McCartney in the street and McCartney's zipper was open. He said he tried to tell him but got so tongue tied that McCartney thought he was just another blithering fan. In desperation my friend pointed to McCartney's crotch but Paul just shook his head in exasperation as if he had been approached by a million other crotch pointing fans and was wondering if the blatancy of strangers would ever cease.
 
October 20, 2015
Stephen Harper has been turfed.     
 
October 21, 2015
A dude came to my door wearing a Where's Waldo costume. He was selling a service that had nothing to do with being lost, found, or unnoticed in a big crowd. I didn't ask him why he was dressed like that and he didn't offer any explanations. Was it weird? Yes, yes it was. Did I sign up for his service? No, no I did not. Anyway, if anyone wants to know, I found Waldo. You can all stop looking.
 
October 22, 2015
If I didn't have one single reader and yet continued to write this blog every day as I have for the past 15 years, would it matter, should I have quit doing it, might I lose faith in myself for my inability to attract readers to my often brilliant, sometimes questionable, frequently shocking advice and such? No, no, and no. Heavens no. I'm doing this for me. If you get something out of it, fantastic. I mean that. All of it.
 
October 23, 2015
Jeez, that was one nasty, angry, horror show of a letter/letter writer. Look, if anyone is grossly offended or even badly tainted by my musings, they usually don't come back. They go to other websites expressing opinions that align more with their messed up sensibilities. The Web is good that way. But in this case I gotta ask, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
 
October 25, 2015
A crude, bizarre abstraction...much like how I view society.
 
October 26, 2015
                              Apparently I'm playing Roseland. Huh. Anybody know what day? Hello?
 
October 27, 2015
Overheard in a parking lot.
-- I ate too much.
-- Me too. I`m stuffed.
-- They give you so much food there. I feel obligated to eat it all.
-- It`s an insult not to. You know there`s places in the world where they don`t have food at all. So to not eat it here is definitely an insult to those people. God, I feel so bloated.
-- You know, we could try another restaurant next time.
-- No, I like this one. You get so much!
-- I know!
 
October 28, 2015
Her husband died. She was getting rid of his stuff. She sold his classic motorcycle on eBay but before it was picked up, she decided to ride it once in her husband's honour. She had never driven the bike herself, only ridden on the back. She went straight down her driveway, tried to turn into the street but instead crashed head on into her neighbour's parked Corvette, breaking both her legs, crumpling the front end of the bike and doing significant damage to the car. The motorcycle was uninsured, the car suffered $20,000 in damage and ICBC refused to pick up the tab because she did not possess a motorcycle license. She had two broken legs and had to hire a part time nurse while she healed. Her neighbour sued for the Corvette damage, the guy who bought the bike sued for ruining an irreplaceable motorcycle, and the nurse robbed her blind during her stay. When asked to sum up her misfortunes after her husband's death, she said, "Bereavements a bitch."
 
October 30, 2015
Don't tell me what to think!, shrieked the adolescent girl to her father. It was in public and people noticed. He got embarrassed and grabbed her arm to walk her away. She wrested her limb free and started screaming at him to never touch her again! He got flustered and didn't know what to do. She noticed the gathering crowd and started playing to it, loudly belittling her father and disparaging his parenting. But it got to be too much. Eventually the crowd turned on her and started calling her bad names. She became enraged and took on the whole crowd; he wanted to crawl into a hole and die. It was the worst kind of situation: a complete lose-lose. They never end well. This one was no exception.
 
October 31, 2015
For god's sake, for your sake, for their sake, treat animals well.
 

 
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