I was being recruited. The headhunter said he had a fantastic job offer from a large company for the exact kinds of services I have to offer. Oh? And what might those services be? You know, he responded offhandedly. Don't you want to hear about the offer? As an amusement, I could say yes and then if the thing is as fabulous as he says, actually have to think seriously about doing it. Or I could say no, which is how I really feel because I am not looking for work, have no desire to be employed by a large company and value what I currently have way too much to even think about risking it - and for what? Money, prestige, power? Nah, I'm good. Don't you even want to hear about the offer? Nah, I'm good.
October 2, 2024
A business associate from Japan has been sending me e-mails in Japanese. I had been going through the arduous process of cutting and pasting the text into Google Translate to figure out what she was saying. Of course, all formatting was lost and the translation often left a lot to be desired. But just recently, I discovered that there is a direct translation feature in Google Lens. Take a Lens pic of the text or sign and it translates it directly into English, keeping all the original formatting. I told this to a friend who was getting ready to travel to Asia and she scoffed, "I hate Google." Oh, ok. Well, to mix a metaphor with an idiom, cutting your nose off to spite your face is no skin off my back. Bon Voyage, sweetie. Oh wait, you don't know what that means, do you.
October 3, 2024
He repeated a racist trope and waited for my response. There was none. There is no point in trying to convince a racist to be a non racist. That is the definition of futility.
Minutes after I posted that, I got an e-mail from Herr Doctkor Gregori Grushenheim from the Non Racist Institute in Belgrade. In part it read:
My Dear Misinformed Ryan,
Using our tried and true method one can change a racist into a non racist in a single session. It is child's play. Have you not heard of the Grushenheim Reversal? If you want someone to give something up, you need to provide them a replacement substitute. For instance, those who want to stop smoking will often chew gum instead. We here at the Non Racist Institute have found that racists love porn. So we just swapped their racism for porn. So simple a child could do it! Not the porn. Not child porn. I'm talking about the Reversal and not a child doing porn. Goodness. Anyway, we think porn's better than racism. Isn't it?
October 4, 2024
Overheard 3 girls in a department store.
-- These are cute.
-- They are! What size are they?
-- Small.
-- Go try them on. See if they'll fit.
-- Yeah, Trish, you'd look great in those.
-- Um, there's a problem.
-- What?
-- I'm going commando today. I shouldn't put these on without underwear.
-- You knew we were going shopping. Why didn't you wear panties?
-- I forgot.
-- Trish, no one forgets their underwear.
-- Ok, I was messing around at home and forget we were going out so when I heard the car horn honk I quick threw on my jeans and joined you guys.
-- Messing around at home?
-- You forgot our date because you were playing with yourself?
-- Shopping's a waste of time if you can't try anything on.
-- You guys can. Come on, don't make this all about me.
-- She's right. This is a fun day for the 3 of us.
-- You could just buy some panties.
-- Mackenzie!
-- Well she could. Then she could try on these great pants.
-- Yeah, and if the earth were flat, we'd fall off the edge.
His name was Sebastian Tremaine and his Tinder profile referenced his super classy sash, his perfectly stacked cannonballs and his really cool hat. Though he admitted he didn't want those round basket things in his profile pic but they were too heavy to move and if he shifted more to his right to get them out of the shot he would obscure his awesome cannonball stack, which he claimed was a chick magnet and not to be obscured. No one knew if Sebastian was a real soldier or just someone who liked to dress up and pose as one. Turns out Sebastian just loved to dress up. Tomorrow, he said, he might be a fisherman or a postal worker. His profile finished with a question: Ladies, is this hat not the shits? If into role play, call Seb at 555-555-7044.
October 7, 2024
DOs and DON'Ts
Do eat as much ice cream, chocolate and pie as you can.
Don't stop until you've had enough.
Don't listen to the nutritionists, doctors and mothers about the hazards of eating too much chocolate, pie and ice cream.
Do make a giant fuss if they try and take any of it away.
Do make it known to all who interfere with your sweet pleasures that you will gut them like a defenseless cod should they try.
Don't be bullied about health concerns, rotting teeth, diabetes or sugar overdose.
Do laugh off potential risks as "years away" no matter how old you are.
Don't lament the weight gain.
Do wear the extra pounds as a badge of your conviction concerning chocolate, pie and ice cream sympathies.
Do call everyone jealous who gives you any kind of flack.
Don't listen to their bull about it being in your best interest.
Do make fun of their weaknesses and foibles so they don't try that again.
Do tell them they're petty, small and JEALOUS.
Don't be merciless, just forceful. They will learn. They will all learn.
October 9, 2024
Overheard two American tourists at a coffee shop.
-- I don't even want to go back if he wins.
-- We've done what we could, Kelly. We voted early. We scheduled our vacation so we don't have to be in the States during the election. We'll see what happens from afar and we won't get caught up in the ensuing hysteria, we're covered.
-- I'm serious, Daryl, I'm not living under that ignorant cretin Trump. He wins, we're moving.
-- What about our jobs and family? Where would we go?
-- Daryl, let me ask you this - doesn't Canada feels like the US used to? I mean in how calm and relaxed it is up here. It's comforting. The more time we spend in Canada the more I like it.
-- Me too. People aren't full of hate and fear here.
-- American politics are divisive, dysfunctional and dangerous and have destroyed America. How do you fix that?
-- Good question.
-- If Kamala wins, then Trump will be in jail and the historians can write about how America lost its mind for this needy, charlatan, idiot poseur. Our lives return to normal. But if she loses...
-- You want to move to Canada?
-- I want to move. I don't yet know where but we can use the rest of our vacation as a fact finding trip. If Kamala wins, we just go back home. If she doesn't we'll have a better idea of what we'll do.
-- You mean what we could do.
-- No, I mean what I said, Daryl. I am not living in the US if that lying 90 year old convicted felon is President. Dictator Donnie, the ignorant 3rd grade fat ass bully is not gonna set some fucked up agenda for my life based on his fucked up needy grandpa ways. No, I need to move.
-- Ok, Kelly. I'm with you. I don't know to where, but I'm with you.
October 10, 2024
She had loved remote working. She could be home with her 3 cats and for her (and them) there was nothing better. But the company called everyone back to the office and she just couldn't bear it. She told her boss she was quitting because she was not going to leave her cats alone again. She nearly fell out of her chair when he said she could bring them to the office.
Because management wasn't inflexible and adversarial, her boss gained a prized employee's dedication. For her part, she loved going to work with Clyde, Jonny and Carol B. and because she recognized how rare an accommodation this was, faithfully stayed with the company the rest of her working days.
