I was in a big box store during a robbery. The doors automatically locked, a siren went off and red flashing lights lit every aisle. All of us customers were locked in the store along with an increasingly desperate robber who wanted nothing more than out of the building. We're all standing around watching him run from locked door to locked door. Cripes, he could have taken any of us hostage (who's brilliant idea was it to lock the customers in with the criminals). Eventually, a clerk hit him with a shovel and knocked him out. The siren went quiet, the red lights stopped, the doors opened and life was beautiful once again.
November 2, 2024
LETTER(s) OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I like the way you talk about your life. You don't preach and get all dogmatic about how this is the way it has to be and we all must follow you and drink the Kool-Aid. Instead, you say that anyone can do what you're doing to better your life. That's what I like.
Anyway, my question has to do with your marriage. On your site's home page it shows you not wearing a wedding ring, yet you say you've been married for decades. Do you remove your ring to cheat on your wife? Are you just another lying pig man? If so, I take back all the nice stuff I said about you above.
Signed,
Liar?
Dear Liar suspecter,
I have never worn a wedding ring. Not even once. Does that help?
Dear Keith,
Does your wife wear a wedding ring? If not, you two are probably swingers is that why?
Dear Liar Suspecter,
Swingers? How prosaic.
Dear Keith,
Well if you lived my life you would understand. I am of the opinion that every man cheats because all of mine have. Men are pigs. If you`re not one, I don't understand why you don't wear a wedding ring.
Dear Liar Suspecter,
A mystery! And there you have it. Thanks for writing in, Liar Suspecter, but today we've gone as far as I'm willing to go to satisfy your curiosity about my private life.
November 4, 2024
UNKNOWN QUOTES FROM UNKNOWN PEOPLE
"There are two women in this world who have done me wrong and both of them are named Julie. How is this not a conspiracy?" Mark de Yonge
"Social media is so awesome! My whole life is about likes. It's what defines me. It's what gives me my sense of self." Megan Hawthorn
"You got a beef with Frankie?" Frankie Travanti
"She was a good girl until that MAGA cult got a hold of her." Hollister Tidwell
"I ate psilocybin mushrooms and hallucinated that I was in Egypt when they were building the Pyramids, only I didn't notice how they were doing it! I didn't notice how the Pyramids were built! And I was there! What an idiot." Elliot Fishman
"I'm having a helluva hard time liking life in Iowa." Morton Monroe
"They say there are many ways to skin a cat, gross, I don't want to know any of them." Ginger La Pook
"My boyfriend rented a sailboat and neither of us know how to sail and we nearly died. You learn a lot about a person when your boat is sinking and there is only one life jacket." Milllie Parker
"In my opinion, the Germans really do have it all together. Why, what have you heard?" Gunther Bosch
"We're making tacos for lunch. Life is good, eh." Cindy and Marla Oshansky
November 5, 2024
So it's US election day. America will either show how many smart people it has or it will show how many stupid people it has. There will literally be actual numbers. Think of that.
November 6, 2024
And here you have it: 70,000,000 ignorant people are gonna get what's coming to them.
November 7, 2024
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
MIKEY
(waving the menu)
What looks good to you?
SHERRY
Will you stop it!
MIKEY
What?
SHERRY
Whenever we go to a restaurant you always prompt me
to see what I'm having first and then you just order the same.
It drives me nuts. You tell ME what you're having first.
MIKEY
No.
SHERRY
No?
MIKEY
I realized that I'm not good at making food decisions.
SHERRY
What?! That is some bullshit, Mikey.
MIKEY
Is not. Menus are difficult for me.
Sherry beckons the waitress over, has her bend down whispers her order in her ear.
MIKEY (cont'd)
How am I supposed to order now?!
SHERRY
You could just tell her you'll have the same like you always do.
MIKEY
What if I don't like what you just ordered?
SHERRY
Yes, what if you don't.
MIKEY
God Sherry, making fun of my disability is cruel.
SHERRY
Disability?
MIKEY
(to waitress)
I'll have what she's having.
SHERRY
(laughing)
I hope you like snails and liver, bucko.
MIKEY
Why do we even go out to eat?
SHERRY
You nuts? I ain't making snails and liver at home.
November 8, 2024
I gave somebody the benefit of the doubt and I got burned. They had their chance to do the right thing and they fumbled it. When I asked why they did what they did, they blamed it on cutthroat corporate culture. Anything for a buck. Grifting is now in. Welcome to America. I mumbled, Gak, and ended my association with them. I suggest you do the same.
November 9, 2024
So a pizzeria in Belgium ran a social media contest to find the best new pizza topping and they would name the pie after the person who suggested it. Unfortunately, social media saw an opportunity to repeat the Boaty McBoatface fun and overwhelmingly picked Brussels sprouts as the winner. On pizza. It's called The Selma. Everyone can begin retching now.
They flew Selma Cutler from Brandon, Manitoba to Brussels to inaugurate The Selma. But she took one look at the pizza adorned with giant balls of Brussels sprouts and refused to eat it. She said she did it as a joke. But the pizzeria wasn't laughing as they cancelled her return ticket, bad mouthed her in the press and declared the runner up topping of chocolate syrup as the winner. On pizza. It's called The Todd. Everyone can begin retching now.
Selma paid for her flight back to Manitoba but fell into a deep funk in seat 23A. When she arrived home, she told her husband that Belgium sucked and she wanted a divorce. He committed her to a mental institution (they let her in for her crazy suggestion of Brussels sprouts on pizza). Bronny Boy Cutler, Selma's no good husband, then liquidated everything they owned because, as was mentioned, he was no good. On his way out of town he picked up a known floozy named Betty Jean at the corner of 8th and Walden and together they absconded to Cape Breton, even though neither spoke a lick of French. When Selma got out of the institution, she changed her name to Lori. And thus ends this sordid pizza topping tale.
Moral of the story? Brussels sprouts are again proven to be the most evil food on the planet. They have ruined more people's lives. Heck, just ask Lori.
November 10, 2024
What do you think you're doing here? Why exist at all? If this is a one-off, seriously, why even bother? And why don't more people then flaunt the law, be crazy, live like a rebel if this is a one and done? Because it does matter. That is intrinsic to having a life. The question is, why does it matter? What do you think you're doing here?
November 11, 2024
Overheard a mother and daughter at a farmers market.
-- I prefer my vegetables to come wrapped in plastic from a grocery store.
-- Of course you do, child.
-- I don't get the appeal of unwashed, unwrapped produce sitting out in the sun with flies on them.
-- It's November, Lulu. There are no flies and there is no sun.
-- Look, that guy is selling birdhouses. Wow, those are nice. Is he a farmer? Are non farmers allowed?
-- We're on a mission, Lulu. We're here for fresh produce to make your aunt's famous Saskatchewan Sally Dinner Salad.
-- What?
-- It's humongous. It's basically got the kitchen sink of every vegetable ever grown. The secret of Sally's Dinner Salad is the dressing. Supposed to be a family heirloom handed down for generations. Sally was anointed keeper of the recipe by Grandma Klepper just before she died.
-- Is it that good?
-- Meh, but everyone else seems to think so. All I know is when she comes for a reunion we have to make this and I have to schlep home 500 pounds of produce.
-- Why didn't Aunt Sally come with us to pick the veggies?
-- She's at home making the secret sauce. Nobody is allowed to watch her do it.
-- Yeah, but Mom, we have those Go Pros all over the house to record the dogs when we're not there. We could watch her in the kitchen.
-- And have Sally hate me forever? No child, it's her little treasure to keep the family dressing recipe that only she knows how to make. I'm good with that.
-- You know, Mom, they say that families shouldn't keep secrets.
-- Yeah? What about birdhouses? Could we keep one of those? Come on.
November 13, 2024
Growing up, more than one teacher wrote on her report of me: He hears but he doesn't listen. Have they never dealt with iconoclasts? Did they not know what they had? Was that my shortcoming or theirs?
If all you do is complain about your life and how it's not going well, are you expecting someone else to fix it for you? Are you looking for sympathy, empathy, or just someone who will tell you it's all right that your life is shit? Because there is no outside source that will get you a better life, or will pull you out of a morass of your own making, nor will it aid you in understanding why it's the way it is. When you complain, all you're doing is reinforcing the negative. You are intentionally beating yourself up, telling yourself how awful it all is so how could you expect it to be any different in the future? Listen, how 'bout you beat yourself up with positivity instead? Tell yourself how you're worthy, how it's getting better day by day and you can feel the difference. Tell yourself what you hope to have happen and not complain about what was. Tell yourself that the future is malleable and with the right attitude and belief in yourself, it is going to be completely different from how it used to be. See, that's how it works. Soon you will believe in the new you because your life circumstances will reflect that and that will in turn feed into your positivity. All you have to do is TREAT YOURSELF WELL. Goodness, why wouldn't you?
November 16, 2024
I meet this guy who brags that he is in Mensa and I shouldn't question him on anything he says because he's so smart. I smirk. Card carrying member, he assures me. Telling the world how smart you are isn't smart. It's needy.
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
Groucho Marx
November 17, 2024
I get a call from some other Mensa nerd telling me I have besmirched the organization and it's brilliant members and the only reason I could possibly be hating on smart people is because I'm not one. Really? He challenges me and belittles me in defense of his precious nerd organization and that's not needy?
"Well excuuuuuse me."
Steve Martin
November 18, 2024
OMG, more nerds! Now I'm told that Mensa doesn't like their members being described as nerds and would instead prefer they be called badass intellectuals. Really?
"Gak!"
Keith Ryan
November 19, 2024
I have been dealing with a company who is unresponsive to customer issues. It takes 3 and 4 phone calls and multiple e-mails to get the service department to respond. I have another year of warranty on this item and you can bet that when that has run out, I will be moving on to others who actually care about my business. Why would I ever buy anything from this company again? Alienating your customers is a heckuva business plan, eh?
November 20, 2024
Arlington National Cemetery has said that all of the grounds have shifted due to dead veterans rolling over in their graves at Douchebag Donnie's return.
November 21, 2024
When Earth governments capture UFOs and their occupants, instead of being all fixated on alien technology and weapons, why not find out how that technology affected their population. What did it do to their planet? How did things change. Was it for the better? Because here on Earth, technology has produced humans with ridiculously short attention spans, exposed how many ignorant people there are on the planet as shown through comment sections and social media, fostered lying political gasbags gaslighting their citizens and produced a biased, complicit news media kowtowing to a bunch of petty war mongering haters drowning in a downward spiral of negativity and isolationism - many from their mother's basement. Why do you think people look back on the 1950s with nostalgia? Pre-alien technology.
November 22, 2024
Overheard two men at a thrift store.
-- This stuff is absolute junk. It's not even kitschy.
-- Keep looking.
-- Remind me again why we're pawing through other people's wretched used clothing?
-- We need to appear modest and humble for when social services comes to evaluate us for adopting a baby.
-- Are they even giving babies to gays?
-- What planet are you living on, Charles? We've discussed this a hundred times. We want a baby. These are the people who give away babies. We have to please them.
-- Wouldn't it look better if we dressed up fancy and put on our best airs?
-- They want humble people, Charles. Not ne'er-do-wells.
-- But this clothing is grotesque.
-- I can tell this is souring your mood. I don't want you in a sour mood. Ok, we'll just have to be humble in other ways.
-- We could serve them that cheap Sauvignon Blanc we got at Costco instead of the good Merlot.
-- We are not serving the baby people alcohol.
-- We sure are bending over backwards to appease these Nazis.
-- They are not Nazis, Charles. They are conscientious people just making sure the babies go to good homes.
-- Yeah, and Adolph told the Jews they were just going to summer camp.
-- What?! Damn, Charles. We do want a baby, don't we?
-- I dunno, I guess.
-- You guess? You guess!
November 23, 2024
He boasted that he could remember any string of numbers no matter how long except for the unending infinite numbers of Pi. Test me, he said. I asked him what was their family phone number when he was growing up. He immediately scrunched up his brow trying to remember, but he couldn't come up with it. In his defense he said that his special number talent didn't reveal itself until he was 19 years old. So anything before that, and well... Test me again, he pleaded. No, the testing is over. I suggested maybe he stop bragging about his special talent.
A week later I got an e-mail from him. All it said was Crestview 7-9013.
November 25, 2024
He had been cutting his own hair since the pandemic and now that that was over, decided to have a professional clean things up and rectify all the damage he had done. But the cut cost him 100 bucks and there was no way he could afford that on a regular basis. So even though there was no pandemic to blame for the times when he got it wrong, he went back to cutting his own hair. Sadly, practice did not make perfect and he never improved as a barber. Nor has he had a date in 4 years.
Moral of the story: Even though Brussels sprouts were not involved in this tale, it is perfectly acceptable to blame them for everything, including this. Is too. Ok, ok, there is another moral: It's better to look good than cheap.
November 26, 2024
Dinner at someone's house this Thanksgiving.
-- Will you quit slagging off my boyfriend as if he isn't here at this table!
-- There goes dramatic Martha, putting on a show.
-- Shut up, Jeanie. Me and Brent are in love!
-- We are? You never said that before.
-- I never had to defend you against my vicious relatives before.
-- Anybody want some yams?
-- I saw Father Twistman kissing Mrs. Doyle behind the church organ.
-- You did not, liar.
-- He was probably thanking her for her super good playing.
-- This platter is getting heavy.
-- Yeah, thanking her with his tongue in her mouth.
-- They're obviously doing it.
-- What do you know, Peter? You haven't been to church since...
-- Since last Christmas mass.
-- I always thought Twistman was a freak. This passion for the organ player proves it.
-- Hey, who wants these FUCKING yams?
-- Put them down, Henry. No one eats yams.
-- The turkey is good but it's a little dry.
-- Oh, says the food critic who wouldn't know a peanut butter sandwich from an oyster.
-- I like your dress, Shelia.
-- Thanks, Amanda.
-- Pass me those rolls, will ya, Grandpa Ernie.
-- Watch this.
-- Hey! Don't throw them at me!
-- A roll ain't gonna hurt ya! Eat this, punk!
-- Mom, get Grandpa to stop throwing food at me.
-- Honey, Mom is on her third drink and couldn't care less about your petty problems.
-- Is there even enough turkey to go around? That's an awfully small bird.
-- Is that a turkey or a chicken?
-- How come there's no salad for us vegetarians?
-- Us? Greta, you are the only vegetarian. The only freak in the family.
-- Yeah, no salad for you.
-- Nice, real nice. Good thing I ate before I came 'cause I knew you fuckers wouldn't even think of me.
-- Hey Grandpa, when was-
-- Shut up, Grandpa is sleeping.
-- He's snoring!
-- Quick, someone shove a bun in his mouth.
-- I hate Thanksgiving.
November 28, 2024
For the past 12 years he has travelled all over the world and at one point, to no one in particular, he announced that Canada has the best cheese buns on the planet. Though he did own up to a horror show bun he once had in Saskatoon, other than that, it's no contest, Canada's cheese buns are the best of the cheese bun heap. Proud? I couldn't be more.
November 30, 2024
When it comes to escaping the demented orange loser, there are things Americans should know if they want to move to Canada.
Can you discern what's true and what isn't?
Our milk comes in bags. Get used to it.
We take our shoes off before entering someone's house. That's right, just like the Japanese.
Every house has a hockey stick next to the front door to whack burglars and those who are careless enough to forget to remove their shoes.
We apologize for stuff that isn't our fault just so the other person won't feel bad.
Canada has a Parliament, a completely different system than the self-serving, grifting, bribery prone, scam artist laden "democracy" like the one you want to leave.
Our free health care is partly why our taxes are high. FREE HEALTH CARE!, fuck taxes. We don't pay trillions to the military, instead, we get FREE HEALTH CARE!
We drive on the left side of the road, just like our mother country, Britain.
We must include King Chucky and Queen Cami's name in our nightly bedtime prayers or risk incarceration and flogging.
We drive our cars in metric and we get our weather in metric but most of our tools, wood, steel, carpeting, clothing and anything else that has measurements, comes in inches and feet. But you need to know both systems. So start studying before you arrive so you can learn that 20C is comfortable and 100km/hr is not 100mph.
Some of us speak French. We know America hates France. Get over it.
Because it's dark all winter, we switch to a 24 hour clock so no one is confused whether it's AM or PM.
A Big Mac in Canada is called La Grande Viande.
In winter it's mandatory you leave your house lights on all the time because you might return home in a whiteout blizzard, miss your driveway and get lost.
Our national police force are the Royal Canadian Mounted Police who mostly mount only cars these days.
Our paper money isn't paper, it's plastic, colorful, and has pictures of the old Queen on it. Our coins are the two dollar Toonie, the one dollar Loonie, quarters, dimes and nickels. No pennies, no dollar bills.
Speaking of money, now for the good news. The currency exchange rate is quite high. Right now, $1.00 US is equal to $1.40 Canadian. That's right, for a limited time, you come to Canada you get to gain 40% more of the money you have.
In Canada, we use the YYYY-MM-DD dating format. America uses MM/DD/YY. Get over it.
Our food is bland. Hot sauce never took off up here. Mustard still rules. Lower your expectations.
Every Canadian knows how to skate. Do you?
The distances between places are astronomical. We live 6 hours from Vancouver, and that's considered its backyard. You could stuff Oregon, Washington, Idaho and Montana inside BC. It would take days to drive the length of the province.
We have one road west to east, The Trans Canada Highway. It's 5,000 miles long. It would take weeks to drive the width of the country.
Everybody shakes hands left handed out of respect for our first Prime Minister, Maurice "Lefty" Carson. In 1867 he hurt his right hand something awful after a dirt bike accident right before a fund raiser. At that event he shook left handed and now we all shake left handed.
We are a nation of self-reliant men and women. Don't come up here and whine.
Sure, you know of Alexander Graham Bell, but you ever hear of our other heroes like Terry Fox and Charles Tomkins, a WWII Cree code talker?
Yes we say, eh, a lot. It like you guys saying, huh?
Goodness, there are exactly 48 other differences you should be aware of, but there is cold pizza waiting for me for breakfast and I don't want to disappoint myself. Ta.
