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KeithSpeak - October 2020

 

 
 
 
October 2, 2020
Overheard two geezers at the Farm and Feed store.
-- How old are you now, Pete?
-- I'm old as the hills, Marty.
-- No really, how old.
-- I'm older than the molasses in the bottom of that barrel.
-- I'm serious, Pete. How many years old are you?
-- I'm old as-
-- Stop it! Tell me, damnit.
-- You don't need to get riled up, Marty. I'll tell you...in good time.
-- You old bastard! I'm telling everyone you're 62 and you just look like shit.
-- 62! That's a good one.
-- 62 it is unless you tell me the truth.
-- Truth is, I'm old as that old hound dog over there.
-- That's a stuffed animal, you moron!
-- I don't see so good. I'm old you know.
-- You're a prick, Pete.
-- Why, how old are you?
-- Jesus Christ.
-- Amen.
 
October 3, 2020
I'm in line at the post office when the person behind me says, Excuse me. Yes? Is your name Keith? Yes, again. Um, did  you go to ______school? I did. Do you remember me? I look at her. Nope. I'm Mrs. Galat, your History professor. No way, Mrs. Galat would be about a hundred by now. Thank you, I'm flattered; a nip and tuck or two; you really think I look good? Mrs. Galat, what are you doing in this neck of the woods? I have an old boyfriend who lives here. A boyfriend? What about the Mrs. part? Oh Jerry, that was my husband, we divorced a long time ago. Seems I'm a serious flirt. Incorrigible. It got to be too much for ol' Jer. You know, Keith, you're looking pretty good yourself. Look, Mrs. Galat- Call me Gigi. It's not my real name but I think it's sexy.
Next!
That's me. It was nice seeing you again, Mrs. Galat. Gigi. Call me Gigi. Ok, Gigi, bye. Bye.
I don't remember her from Adam and I'm kinda concerned that this woman from long ago shows up in my small, out of the way town and conveniently finds herself behind me in line, makes contact, flirts, and then what, it progresses from there to peeping, stalking, harassing my friends and family until her obsession gets completely out of hand and she loses her mind all the way to the Fatal Attraction ice pick? ...Wattaya think, too much coffee this morning?
 
October 4, 2020
Well well well, Douchebag Donnie gets the hoax, the fake news, the "it's just the flu" coronavirus. You sucked the life out of the country and now the country gets to watch COVID suck the life out of you. It's called quid pro quo, just desserts, and a fitting end. No sympathy for you, punk.
 
October 5, 2020
Just think, 100 years ago, the Roaring 20s were a hoot and all the rage as a giddy nation let down its hair. 100 years later it's a shitshow of monumental proportions. The difference? Trump didn't exist in 1920.
 
October 6, 2020
I installed 35 new handles on our kitchen cabinets and when I finished and turned to admire my work I immediately ascertained that 5 of them weren't on the level, even though I used a level. They aren't off by much but I can't live with it; I would notice those handles every time I walked into the kitchen. No, now I have to remove them, wood fill the holes, sand, re-mark for the new holes, double check the level, re-drill the new holes, repaint the cabinet and install the handles. All because I didn't do it right the first time. Bad Keith. Bad bad Keith.
 
October 7, 2020
Had a tradesman at our house doing some work. I had a deadline on a script that had to be finished that day. We both set to work. The first thing I did was bring up the screenwriting software with the script in progress. The first thing he did was plug in his boom box. The second thing he did was turn on Back in Black. I immediately lost my focus and concentration. I kept reading the same page over and over while singing along with Brian Johnson (which is really not that easy a thing to do). He kept working away with CD after CD of great music while I listened and wasted time. I could have asked him to put on the Carpenters or something drastic, but I liked the music, so I didn't. Comes the end of the day and he is finished with his job whilst I'm nowhere near done with mine. Damn.
 
October 8, 2020
FYI: next week is first frost so Canadians all over the country will be harvesting their pot plants. So if it smells funny down in the States, it could either be the true north strong and free, or a fetid Trump stinkin' up the joint.
 
October 10, 2020
Went out of town to a big box home store and had the most delightful surprise. It was employee bring your dog to work day! There were pooches everywhere! It was so much fun to shop and see all these happy dogs that we probably spent way more time and bought way more stuff than we intended just because of the warm, friendly, furry atmosphere. Why don't more businesses do this?
 
October 12, 2020
Overheard a brother and sister at the wharf.
-- She's gonna die and leave us nothing!
-- Stop talking like that, Ronny!
-- Face it, Tiffany, she's not going to make it.
-- You're such a pessimist! She's pulled out of worse things than this.
-- No she hasn't.
-- What about Montreal?
-- Montreal? You mean when she choked on that smoked beef sandwich?
-- She almost died, Ronny. We weren't dividing up the spoils then. So why now?
-- 'Cause she's gonna die and leave us nothing!
-- How do you know she cut us out of the will?
-- She told me!
-- But what exactly did she say?
-- She said you and Tiffany are out of the will.
-- God, you're an idiot. Why!
-- Ok, remember when we were kids and used to play doctor?
-- Yeah.
-- Well she saw us doing that. She said she assumed that if we continued being all touchy feely we would eventually become sexually active with one another.
-- But we are.
-- And that's why we're out of the will.
 
October 13, 2020
Went to an acquaintance's house whose wife is an interior decorator.
She just finished putting in new kitchen countertops and asked me what I thought.
I honestly didn't know what to say (to her face).
Why, what would you have said?
 
October 14, 2020
We're all going to die, yes? If you believe that there is nothing after this existence and that oblivion and the void await, why not go whole hog crazy in this life? You have but one shot, right? Why play it safe and conservative? According to your beliefs there are no repercussions, no ramifications and no penalties to pay for a reckless life that you live only once. But most people don't do that, do they. Most people seem to live upstanding lives, as if they suspect there may be something more. So who's right? Only one way to find out, eh. We're all going to die, yes?
 
October 16, 2020
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
JOMBA
I'm sorry ma'am, but you can't go
into the bush without a gun.
 
DEELA
Oh really. And why is that?
 
JOMBA
Because there are animals in there that can kill you, ma'am.
 
DEELA
Man eaters, you say? Listen Jomba, I've dealt with
man eaters my whole life. I can handle myself.
 
JOMBA
They have dangerous animals in New York?
 
DEELA
Most definitely.
 
JOMBA
Ma'am, I will go with you into the bush
for protection.
 
DEELA
In Jomba world, every woman needs a man, eh?
 
JOMBA
Yes, I think so.
 
DEELA
And what kind of protection do you offer?
 
JOMBA
The very best, ma'am.
 
DEELA
Uh huh. Look, I just want a little exercise, so why don't
you give me the biggest gun you got.
 
JOMBA
(deep throaty laugh)
Jomba's biggest gun is attached to Jomba.
 
DEELA
(sigh)
I thought that's where we're heading.
 
JOMBA
Jomba needs target practice.
 
DEELA
Exercise is exercise, eh Jomba?
 
JOMBA
I'm a very good shot.
 
DEELA
I'll bet you are. Ok, but I should forewarn you, Jomba, not all
man eaters are in the bush. Let's go.
 
                                                                                            FADE OUT
 
October 19, 2020
Douchebag Donnie owes over a BILLION DOLLARS. He doesn't HAVE a billion, he OWES a billion. Who amasses that kind of debt? A terrible, horrible, complete and utter loser of a businessman is who. He's a pathological liar so you can't believe a word he says, you can only assesses him on his actions - and he OWES OVER A BILLION DOLLARS! Who sucks that much?!
 
October 24, 2020
I threw my back out 5 days ago and have been unable to do anything but lay in bed. But don't cry for me, Argentina, I'm getting better. Stand back! However, my brain is still kinda mushy from not having to think about anything but woe is me this past week. If the fog clears, real content can start again tomorrow. Oh boy! Later, alligators.
 
October 25, 2020
WHITE HOUSE CONVERSATIONS
-- What do the latest polls say?
-- You're losing badly. You're getting your ass kicked. You don't stand a hope in hell of getting re-elected.
-- Not those polls! My polls! What do my polls say?
-- They say you are the most charismatic, beautiful, brilliant, racist President America has ever had and that you should be dictator for life.
-- That's what I wanted to hear.
-- But it's not the truth.
-- Haw, so I'm gonna get re-elected! That's perfect! Toot-toot, make way for the Emperor Donald!
-- Wow, you are a real piece of work. Listen to you, lying to yourself on a moment to moment basis. You are your ignorant base.
-- Hey, who are you! Why are you saying these things to me!
-- I'm your conscience, Donnie. Talking to you is like talking to a 5 year old. You're getting your ass kicked. Wake up.
-- Yeah, but why am I hearing these voices in my head? Is this a COVID thing?
-- Jesus, you are as stupid as they say.
 
 
 

 

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