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KeithSpeak- November 2020

 

 
 
 
November 1, 2020
Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul.
                                                                              Walt Whitman
 
November 2, 2020
You hear that? They're about to tell the snivelling orange gasbag, YOU'RE FIRED!
 
November 4, 2020
 
November 5, 2020
Widdle baby Trump is having widdle baby tantrums while soiling his widdle baby diapers over the fact that the American public spanked his vile ass and told the disingenuous 5 year old to vacate the premises. Bwahaha. Coming soon, the orange twinkie in an orange jumpsuit. Bwahaha.
 
November 6, 2020
It was a tiny little dog that barked incessantly at everything and everybody and even lunged at the face of an old lady who veered too close. It had on a little cowboy hat that said, Beast Mode, a rhinestone collar that said, Screw You, and a mouth that never stopped yapping at everything and everybody. The pint sized buckaroo was a public menace but the human carrying it around was an even bigger prize. She had tattoos on half her face, a dog collar that spelled out Bitch, she was smoking a cigar, wearing an oversized T-shirt that said, I Love Cock, and elf shoes. Though unconventional, this atypical pair were the living manifestation of a just and free society that prized Be Yourself over Do As We Say.
 
November 7, 2020
Dear Keith,
Please tell me a good prank I can pull on someone I hate and deserves to be pranked. I need him to suffer greatly long term if possible. I'm not very creative. Thank you.
 
Signed,
He'll never forget Lisa again
 
Dear Lisa,
If some stranger dressed in a cloak knocked on his door and told him that he was going to die on such and such a day and time, and then turned and walked away,
would he laugh it off as a joke,
think that the stranger's a nut,
assume someone is putting him on,
or would he consider it a genuine threat,
something that concerns him,
something that requires some kind of response or action - but against who? against what?
Frustration, of course, ensues, but regardless of what he wonders about the actual interaction, the information conveyed will be thoroughly dominating his thought processes as he mulls this date and time over and over in his mind, waiting forever for that exact moment to either fulfill the unsolicited prophesy or discount it as the prank it was. Either way, he will not stop thinking about it until then. Guaranteed. The best of this will be when he doesn't die on the designated date and realizes it was a prank, and that he spent all this time worrying, stressing and fretting about something that was never real. Peace of mind he can never get back. Something lost forever. Would that do, Lisa?
 
November 8, 2020
For some people, this is porn.
 
November 10, 2020
We have a couple of snowshoe hares that live around our house and barn. Although they are brown in summer, their coats turn white in winter. 10 days ago, I saw one and his feet had just started turning white. It looked like he was wearing mid calf athletic socks. Two days ago, I saw him again and this time 60% of his coat was a mix of brown and white. We got 10 centimeters of snow this morning and when I went down to the barn I never saw the bunny until it hopped away ten feet in front of me. He was now completely white and nearly invisible in plain sight. Very cool trick.
 
November 11, 2020
So, the charlatan in the White House says he isn't leaving even though America voted his lazy, lying, fat ass out. Aw, Donnie's butt hurt 'cause Donnie's a loser. Waah waah says the widdle baby loser pounding his tiny baby fists into his McDonald's fish filet. I want to stay! pouts the petulant, incompetent child. No! screams the baby loser. Such drama. Yawn.
 
November 12, 2020
I went to college with a fellow who wanted to become a doctor. Three years into his degree, his father got terminally ill and called his son in to have one last conversation. The father told him he loved him and his dying wish was for his son to take over the family business. Would he agree to do so so the father could die in peace? My friend hesitated. The family business was Papa Joe's Septic Cleaning Service. From his deathbed Papa Joe looked on imploringly. On the spot, my friend had to choose whether to become a doctor or a guy who cleans out septic tanks. Lordy.
 
November 13, 2020
Overheard a young couple at the hardware store.
-- You don't know anything about fixing plumbing.
-- I've seen YouTube videos. I can do this.
-- Nigel, there is no way I want water all over the house because you screwed up the plumbing.
-- Quit worrying, Mina, I got this.
-- Why don't you ask someone here for help. They're the experts.
-- Experts? These losers are all minimum wage earners who couldn't get better jobs.
-- Real nice.
-- I know what I need, Mina. I don't need any help.
-- I swear to god, Nigel, if those pipes leak water I will kill you.
-- Look, we've both watched those home reno TV shows where they fix stuff in an hour. How hard can it be?
Standing nearby, two "loser" salesman are laughing and repeating, How hard can it be?!
 
November 14, 2020
You don't have to better yourself. You can do as you please. You don't have any requirements to live up to in this life. Could it be any easier? I'm serious.
 
November 16, 2020
He was originally from war torn Sierra Leone and ran a convenience store in Chilliwack, British Columbia. When some robbers pointed a knife at him and demanded money, he laughed in their faces and told them he had come from much worse in his country, that these amateurs didn't know what they were doing and to illustrates that fact he reached under the counter and drew out a 3 foot long scimitar, swung it at the would be robbers, both of whom were freaked out at the size of the sword and barely ducked in time. He then said, "I am from Africa. This scimitar is Asian. If I ever catch you in my store again, we shall melting pot all over your ass-" and he swooshed the scimitar again. The robbers ran out. He put the weapon back under the counter and said under his breath, "Amateurs."
 
November 17, 2020
He exclaimed, Oh boy!, and his new girlfriend punched him in the ribs. Ow, why'd you hit me, Violet? Nobody says, Oh boy!, anymore. If you wanna hang with me, Harvey, you gotta be cooler than that. Well what should I say then? I don't know, maybe, Yowza! Yowza? Are you nuts? Nobody in the history of man has ever said, Yowza! Look Harvey, I'm just trying to hippen you up a little. If you wanna make fun, go ahead, but do it without me. Violet, you're breaking up with me because I won't say Yowza!? Seems that way, Harvey boy. But I want you to stay. Look, I'll say it if you want me to. Yowza! Yowza! there. Ok, next thing is, we gotta change your name. What, what do you mean? Harvey is a dud name. I'm not going to tell my friends I'm dating a Harvey. Ugh. Could you imagine? I want something with more action to it. Maybe Lance, maybe Troy. Yes, if you're going to stay my boyfriend you have to change your name and stop saying, Oh boy! Understood...Lance?
 
November 19, 2020
The calories were burning off. She was exercising with such a vengeance that it bordered on obsession. Every day, exercise, every night, exercise, lose weight, lose fat, go to sleep from exhaustion, get up and do it again the next day. After 3 months she was slim and svelte and fatigued beyond belief. Instead of bopping about and showing off the new her, she was sleeping 'till noon and binging on junk food. 3 months later she was back to her old self, the bigger version, the one that caused her to exercise like mad in the first place, the one in her mind that she called, the real me.
 
recidivism [r1-sid-uh-viz-uhm]
noun
            1.  repeated or habitual relapse.
            2. the chronic tendency toward repetition of deleterious or antisocial behaviour patterns.
 
November 20, 2020
Trump's administration is a clown car full of sycophants, charlatans, morons, poseurs, the useless, the infantile and the ignorant all being chauffeured around by chief clown, Douchebag Donnie, a garishly made up imbecile who doesn't know how to drive and just keeps honking the horn like it's meaningful. But this circus is ending. The clown car is being repossessed. It seems the next thing Douchebag Donnie will be honking is cellmate Horst.
 
November 21, 2020
If you were an alien and saw the state of the world in 2020, what would you think?
Mog: Earth is messed up.
Grog: Tell me about it. What say we hit Andromeda and see if it's a nicer place to visit.
Mog: Take me to your leader - as long as it's not that moron, Trump.
Grog: Seriously, is there a more pathetic loser in the galaxy? We'll come back after that fucker is dead. See what happened to Earth then.
Mog: Ok, so Andromeda it is.
Grog: Man, I miss the dinos.
Mog: They were magnificent. These puny humans, not so much.
 
November 22, 2020
Overheard a woman talking to herself in the grocery.
-- I don't care what he says, he has to go. She may like him but I don't. If he thinks I'm going to put up with his male attitude, well he's got another thing coming. I never should have let him in the house. How am I going to get rid of this guy? And what will she think when I do? My god, she doesn't have a clue. This is so twisted! I can't even remember what I came in here to buy. This whole thing is making me crazy. Look at me - I'm talking out loud to myself in a grocery store. Could you imagine if someone overheard me and put it up on the Internet or something? Why, I'd sound like a crazy lady!
 
November 23, 2020
WHITE HOUSE CONVERSATIONS
-- Hey Ivanka, is the loser in?
-- You mean President Daddy, er, I mean President Trump?
-- No, I mean the lame duck loser who got his ass hammered by a sensible public who no longer wants a petulant, incompetent twat as President.
-- Uh, Daddy's downstairs doing some renovations to the bunker.
-- Tell the loser the winner's transition team is here.
-- Daddy doesn't like you.
-- Like we give a shit who the 5 year old likes.
-- He'll make up nicknames for all of you!
-- Ooh, we're shaking in our liberal boots. Go get the pussy grabber.  
-- But Daddy's mad at me. I don't want to make it worse.
-- What's he mad at you for?
-- I told him Jared wasn't a zombie.
-- Jeez, another Trump lie. What's the hell's the matter with this family?
-- Daddy says the truth is full of cooties. I believe him.
-- Look, we have to fumigate the place to get the Trump stench out. That includes you Princess Loser.
-- But Uncle Mitchy says we can stay.
-- Moscow Mitch? Turtle boy? Ha ha ha ha. Tell Captain Bone Spurs that Joe's coming. And in case you still don't get it, that means that you, your grifter family and lame duck a l'orange are gone. Capish?
-- What, so that means that Daddy gets a 2nd term?
-- Sure, Princess, if you want to call a prison sentence a term. He'll get lots of terms. In the meantime, start packing, 'cause we're coming.
 
November 25, 2020
I broke my glasses today. Can't see shit. Later.
 
November 26, 2020
You smell something burning?
Oh yeah, Douchebag Donnie's toast, thoroughly roasted, publically humiliated and completely embarrassed. What do you do with a burnt to shit piece of toast? You can try and make it palatable by scraping away all the fucked up parts, but you find that the rot goes all the way through. There's nothing redeemable. So what do you do with a burnt out useless something as this? You throw it away. You wash your hands of it. You get a new piece of bread.
 
November 27, 2020
I've been outdone. The Internet has called it. Right before our eyes, Douchebag Donnie has morphed into Diaper Don. Do they make nappies in XXXXXXXXXXL?
 
November 29, 2020
On average we have 60 to 90 years of life. There's time for everything you want to do. Is too.   
 
 
 

 

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