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KeithSpeak- December 2020


December 2, 2020
Overheard two children in a store.
-- So what do you want to be when you grow up?
-- I want to be rich.
-- Me too.
-- I want as much money as I can get.
-- Me too. What are you going to do with all your money?
-- Buy a pony.
-- Good plan!
December 3, 2020
He was odd looking and had but a single leg. She was fairly small and had Down Syndrome. They met, dated, became a couple, got engaged and found themselves in front of a church elder who asked them why they wanted to get married. She said, "We are less than perfect humans who have found each other. Together we are whole." He said, "We are considered freaks by everyone. But together, we are more normal than either one of us is apart. I need her and she needs me." But the church elder was all kinds of put off - neither of them had mentioned God once! Developmentally disadvantaged heathens! So of course, he forbade the marriage. You know, God and all.
December 5, 2020
Our driveway is 200 yards long, the length of two football fields. It had snowed and I hadn't yet cleared it. But there at my front door was a young salesman and his girlfriend/protégé/intern or whatever she was because he did all the talking. First, he tried to sell me stuff I didn't want, switched tactics and started complementing me on our place, then blurted out that they were stuck in our driveway and could I help them out. I looked over his shoulder and there, at the front gate, was a Mary Kay pink Cadillac. Are you a Mary Kay? I asked. He sheepishly shook his head and gestured toward the girl who didn't speak. You have to sell a shitload of Mary Kay crap to get a pink Caddy. You have to be good. Having just experienced this couple's sales pitch, it was pretty obvious they were a far cry from fabulously successful salespeople. So I started to wonder if they killed the Mary Kay, stole her car, and were selling off her inventory. When I suggested that to them, neither of them laughed. Yikes.
December 6, 2020
Will the defendant, Diaper Don, please stand and explain to the court why you aren't a national embarrassment, a tantrum throwing toddler, a pathological liar and a mentally unfit loser who has just been flushed down the toilet by the will of the people you screwed over.
December 9, 2020
He owned a vintage 1951 D-28 Martin guitar, a beautiful 1948 Harley-Davidson motorcycle, a collection of old baseball cards worth a mint, a personal picture of Bruce Lee autographed and dated, a 1963 Aston Martin DB5 in which he kept a bag of vintage Jack Nicklaus golf clubs in the boot, a stunning Wassily Kandinsky abstract hanging over his toilet, and a dated kitchen filled with avocado appliances from the 1960s. Heck, even his girlfriend was 28 years older than him. He was heavily invested in quality nostalgia, made no bones about it.
December 10, 2020
Someone famous called to talk about a film project. He pitched me an idea which sounded decent, but I couldn't get past the fact that I think this person is a mediocre actor, and since I have made it a rule to only work with people I respect, I knew I wasn't the right screenwriter for his project. I told him so. He listened, didn't try to argue, didn't try to twist my arm into doing it, he just thanked me for my time, suggested we get together next time I'm in LA, thanked me again and hung up. Ok, as a human, he has some skills; as an actor, not so much.
December 11, 2020
We have never had a microwave oven. Call us late to the table, but we bought one yesterday. Got it at Larry's Discount Mics in the Shumway Mall. Larry himself showed us his many wares. He boasted that his cheapest model was 14 bucks and had 8 watts of power. He said it would take 16 months to pop a bag of popcorn. He said it's just like an Easy Bake Oven only it can kill you. Anyway, we settled on a unit deemed "righteous" by Larry. I joked that I hoped it came with instructions because I've never used one before. Larry was astounded. "You're a mic virgin?! In 2020! That's like finding a unicorn! Or a leper!" Aw, look at Larry's enthusiasm. "I'm so damned tickled to meet a newbie that I'm...I'm going to throw in the 14 dollar mic! How about that?!" I thanked Larry for his entertaining incredulity, but I passed on the cheapest microwave ever made because, really. Instead, he tossed me a stack of paper plates and told me to get on home and "wave" up some grub. Gee, thanks Larry, that was nothing if not a boffo start to my microwaving adventures.
December 12, 2020
Talk about personal service! Larry from Larry's Discount Mics in the Shumway Mall showed up at our house last night with homemade chili, a six pack of beer and a desire to cook in our new microwave. Uh...ok. Being the microwave maestro, I let Larry have at it and am I ever sorry I did. He overcooked the chili, it caught on fire and then exploded all over the inside of the new mic. The heat had bubbled and scorched the interior of the appliance, not to mention making an ungodly mess. Larry's reaction? "Whoops."
Whoops? Whoops?! Sigh.
December 14, 2020
As part of a new job requirement a buddy went for a physical which he spectacularly flunked. Doc said he had heart issues, back issues, metabolic issues and he was wholly unfit for the job he'd just been hired for. With all his medical deficiencies, even though it sounds like he could die tomorrow, at least he doesn't have to go to work, so he's calling that a win. His wife is not so sure.
December 15, 2020
It's official. Diaper Don, impeached charlatan, is a bona fide loser. It's sanctified. It is official. Trump is a complete and utter loser. Ha ha.
December 18, 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Life's about you
December 19, 2020
She was talking about practical matters. There was logic behind her words, structure in her discourse. Her thoughts were cogent and peppered with clear examples so that there could be no mistaking her intentions. She was well versed in her subject, pleasant in manner, and deserving of an intelligent response. He wondered if she was wearing panties. Silence ensued.
-- Well?
-- Sorry, I didn't know there was going to be a pop quiz afterward.
-- You didn't hear a thing I said.
-- I heard you.
-- What did I say?
-- All that stuff about, you know, other stuff.
-- What were you thinking?
-- Are you wearing panties?
-- You're a pig. You're such a man pig.
-- Well?
-- Sorry, I didn't know there was going to be a pop quiz.
December 20, 2020
She had lived in the south all her life, was never one to cause trouble, and was her Mama's favorite child. But she went off to the big city, fell in love with a black man, and when her family found out they were going to marry, disowned her on the spot. Heartbroken, she and her new husband left Birmingham, Alabama, moved to Madison, Wisconsin, raised four children and never saw her bigoted southern family again. Both parties got what they wanted, but was it really a win-win?
December 21, 2020
I went to the city dump to get rid of some stuff. Others were there doing the same. Watching all these items being thrown away, I dunno, I found it kind of heart wrenching. It seemed like an ignominious end for the trashed objects and anthropomorphic though it may be, I felt heartbroken for the stuff. It's the dirty back end of consumerism and it wasn't pretty. Sigh.
December 23, 2020
An order was placed for a lot of books and they were to be shipped out of the country to a bunch of different addresses in different people's names. Something didn't seem right so I checked with the credit card company and kel supris, the card had been stolen. The order was cancelled. A month later, an identical order was placed with the books to be shipped to the same people and addresses as before. Again I checked the card but found out it was legit. How many people try and buy something illicitly and then when that craps out, come back and buy it legitimately? No criminal that I know would do that. Ok, maybe Jimmy would. Yeah, Jimmy would probably do that. Still...
December 24, 2020
OMG, guess who just showed up at my door! You remember the actor I talked with earlier in the month about writing a screenplay for him? I said no thanks, he said ok, and that was that. But I guess in his world, someone saying no to him is seen as a challenge, or an affront, or something because he's here! Right now! At my house! So bold! So weird! It's Christmas freakin' eve! Should I be flattered or worried that this dude has issues.
December 26, 2020
It's been a Christmas catastrophe! The aforementioned movie star has been here for 3 days! He's been sleeping on the couch and won't leave because it's been snowing nonstop, he's from southern California, has never driven in snow, and the airport is a 2 hour drive away, in snow, lots of snow. So after spending all this time with him you might think that perhaps I've ameliorated my former reticence and now all is rosy and peachy and we're besties - it's a Christmas miracle! - but you'd be wrong. I just want him out of the house. No miracles required.
December 27, 2020
Did you notice, no pictures this month? Everybody hates that. So instead of blanking the whole of December, I'm posting an old photo of Tuck, Sophie and Maddie in our field in winter. Merry Christmas.
December 28, 2020
I open the curtains. Ack, another 20 centimeters of snow. People who don't live here are always asking what it's like to live in Canada in winter. Ahem, here's my snow days routine: I slip into my cold coveralls, brrrr, boots, toque, gloves, ear plugs. First I must hand shovel all around the house - the walks, the porches, the areas with the bird feeders. Today, with 8 inches of heavy, wet snow, that will take approximately 35 minutes. Then I will trudge down to the barn, warmly greet the tractor, pull the electric cord from the block heater, check the fuel and oil in our beloved workhorse and start 'er up. It will take 15 minutes to warm up, so I walk back to the house, grab the snow shovel and trudge around the back of our place to clear off the entire area around the back door and hot tub, then squeegee off the 8 inches of snow atop the hot tub, and reshovel all that. Then I go over to my wife's office building and shovel her walks. Then it's back to the barn where I hop on the tractor and start to plow our two football fields worth of driveway, all the turnout areas, my wife's office parking area and clean out down by the barn. This will take a minimum of 3 more hours. If it snows every day, then I do all this every day. Now everyone knows what it's like to live in Canada in the winter.
December 30, 2020
Dear Keith,
What's the bottom line for you? I'm serious.
Dear Me,
Gee, it's like I'm talking to myself. That's clever, because I write for myself. All that you see here, every bit of content and frivolity, this is all for moi. Anyone who finds their way here, that's swell, and they are most welcome, but it's not a goal. As I said on this site's Home page - Our aim is to inform, entertain, and get you to think for yourself so you can become consciously aware and startlingly awake. How? By me talking to myself. Out loud. Here. And that, my friend, is the literal bottom line.

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