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KeithSpeak - January 2021

 

 
 
 
January 1, 2021
And she was so sincere! She asked for, and with great trepidation I gave, a real opinion to someone who should have taken what I said as the constructive, meaningful, completely solicited comments they were meant to be, but instead, with incredulity in her eyes, she screwed up her nose, gritted her teeth, turned vindictive, hopped on the nearest crazy train and went downtown. She was offended by everything I said and made sure everyone within earshot knew it. She was railing pretty good when a young man in a mask walked by me and said, "What, couldn't get enough of 2020?"
 
January 2, 2021
I saw a picture of myself at 25. Damn, I looked good. So what happened from then to now? Haw.
 
January 3, 2021
This is Faustus Gribble, inventor of Virtual Reality. Here he is shown wearing The Gribbler, his flagship model headset. So why have you never heard of the father of VR? This is due to an unfortunate instance when Faustus was attempting to see through women's clothing, turned the thing up to 11, causing his retinas to burn out, fuse together and glue both eyes to the inside of the VR machine rendering him unable to get the contraption off his face. He refused to go outside after that. His wife says she's used to it by now. Then clarified, "Used to him trying to see my underwear - I'll never get used to that damn Gribbler."
 
January 5, 2021
Overheard an old lady at the pharmacy.
-- Do you have a prescription for Lucy ____?
-- Let me see. Yes, that will be $135.00.
-- I don't have that kind of money!
-- Well that's how much the medication cost.
-- How the hell can a country give you free health care and then when you need some medicine it costs an arm and a leg? What good is knowing what my medical problem is if I can't afford to treat it?!
-- I don't know, ma'am.
-- Well, what am I supposed to do?
-- I don't know, ma'am.
-- It's Christmas, for christsakes!
-- Yes, ma'am.
-- You people are heartless.
She turns to go and sees me standing there.
-- They're bloodsuckers! Beware!
 
January 7, 2021
America riots for a brain dead loser. United States of America? Not so much anymore.
 
January 8, 2021
I got invited to a party. A party! During a pandemic! How silly is that? Keith, would you like to come to a super spreader event, hang out with folks who could soon die or at the very least get really sick, take it back home with you, infect your family and friends and have a fun time! RSVP.
 
January 9, 2021
If you're going to blame someone else for your circumstances, as if you are not an active party yourself and are instead, some poor schmuck victim, then you are saying that you have no impact in your life, no free will in your decisions and actions, and no ability to take matters into your own hands to control your own narrative. You are powerless. Fact is, it's just the opposite; you are in full control of your life and its circumstances. But until you accept responsibility for that, you won't see that blaming others is just another way of saying that others control your life. And that is poppycock.
 
January 10, 2021
A short story:
Alana was a clumsy human and a terrible dancer and yet she insisted on going dancing for her and Leroy's 20th anniversary. Predictably, at one point, Alana tripped on the dance floor and knocked Leroy down who then tried to stand up really fast because he was embarrassed for himself and concerned for the clumsy Alana, but everyone was fast dancing to a nauseating version of Hang On Sloopy so that when Leroy shot back up, he smashed into a grooving Luther who took it as an affront to his vibe and worse, an attempt to cut in on his wife, and in a moment of jealousy, Luther shot Leroy dead in front of everyone. Alana said it was the worst 20th anniversary ever. The end.
 
January 12, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Oh look, Diaper Don has shit all over himself, America, democracy, and common sense
In this case it's perfectly acceptable to throw the baby out with the bathwater. In fact it's mandatory.
 
January 13, 2021
Someone tried my patience. Boy was he sorry. In a barely controlled rage I gave a full accounting, left out nothing, it was brutal but necessary. You have no idea what I'm talking about, but he sure did. Boy did he ever.
 
January 15, 2021
We just hired 3 stiffs.     
Meet Marco, Jim Bob and Ronnie. They came in together and applied for jobs. We were transfixed by their old timey looks, nearly naked bodies and the groovy way their eyes made them almost look like statues. Hired, boys!
 
January 16, 2021
Ooh, it's not going well with the guys. Jim Bob went down to Shipping but just standing in front of Gina, our Shipping foreman, so excited her that she had to be brought before HR for impure thoughts and while she was taking corrective classes about that, Jim Bob just stood around Shipping looking pretty and doing nothing, so orders never got sent and productivity dropped. Then Marco got in a fight with the Fed Ex delivery man because he wouldn't stand aside to let the guy pass, boy, that got messy fast, and finally, Ronnie has screwed up the books in Accounting because he's employing some ancient system that uses knotted rope that he claims is superior to numbers and no one but Ronnie understands. Look, I'm a tolerant fellow, but these guys are gonna have to move a little more smartly if they expect to stay employed.
 
January 17, 2021
It came to a head this morning. Literally. Ronnie left Accounting trailing a 65 foot knotted rope representing last month's accounts receivable when he got all tangled up, tripped, fell face first onto the floor and literally lost his head. It cracked off and rolled 3 feet away. Incredibly, through that whole gruesome event, he never changed expression, nor did he cry out or make a sound - oh, and unbelievably, there wasn't a drop of blood! Anyway, Marco and Jim Bob took the news badly and they quit on the spot. When I was asked to comment on the entire hire-a-nearly-naked-ancient-looking-dude-and-his-friends, I replied, Comme ci, comme ça (It was like this, it was like that).
 
January 19, 2021
Jean St. Clair was a rich man from Montreal. He retired ridiculously young by selling his software company for a fortune, travelled the world first class, raced speedboats, married foolishly, gambled, lost his fortune, lost his wife, became a spiritual man and died at the age of 32. At the wake, the clergyman outlined all of Jean's accomplishments, mentioning his fabulous wealth, how much he sold his company for, his speedboat victories and ended by saying that Jean had died much too young. All of which begs the question: Which is a better measure of a man's life - his accomplishments, his bank account, his experiences or his age?
 
January 20, 2021
Today's the day. The lying piece of shit, the pussy grabber, the whiny widdle baby, AKA The Orange Scab, AKA Diaper Don, AKA Fuckface Von Clownstick, AKA America's Biggest Loser, AKA Douchebag Donnie, is finally thrown out of office. The cunt may be chock full of grisly orange makeup but he's still white trash. Buh bye, asshole.
 
January 21, 2021
I heard this morning that at breakfast President Joe mentioned how there were still Trump cooties in the White House and it was creeping him out. So the fumigators have been called back, painters are on stand by, and every stick of furniture that might have had Diaper Don's fat ass on it is being replaced. "Including that damn gold toilet", President Joe is reported to have thundered.
 
January 22, 2021
When I drove over the road long haul trucks it was fun because there were no computers in the trucks and no cell phones. So the company couldn't track where you were except for your daily call to your dispatcher telling him literally where you were. And that was often via a pay phone in an outside phone box (how quaint). So if you wanted to go 200 miles off route to visit a friend, no one was ever the wiser. Nowadays, of course, you and your truck are tracked every second. And soon enough self-driving trucks will dominate the landscape. All this may be progress, but it's no damn fun at all.
 
January 24, 2021
Listen, you don't have to be a good guy or gal. You don't have to try for sainthood. You don't even have to try, period. All you have to do is live a life. One way or another. How you do that is entirely up to you. Capish? We're all living a life moment to moment, making it up as we go along. Basically, it's a 90 year improv.
 
January 27, 2021
Why are politics rife with scuzzballs?
 
January 28, 2021
Overheard a brother and sister at the mall.
-- Now that Dad has left, what's Mom gonna do?
-- About what?
-- You know.
-- No, I don't know. What are you talking about, Jordy?
-- You know...sex.
-- You're concerned about Mom having sex? What do you care?
-- Ok, my bedroom is next to theirs, right. I could always hear when she and Dad were doing it, and I swear she was always in a great mood the next day.
-- So?
-- Well now she's kind of bitchy.
-- Dad just left her! You think she should be happy about that?
-- You think she'll get a new boyfriend?
-- I don't know!
-- Maybe we should try to fix her up.
-- What!?
-- Come on, think. Who?
-- Jordy, the last thing I want to think about is Mom having sex.
-- Not me.
-- Obviously.
 
January 30, 2021
Answering some mail.
 
I want to be a writer. How do I do that?
You write. Lots. It helps if you have something to say.
 
My parents told me I would amount to nothing but they were wrong. I'm the manager of a chain store and I make more money than my Dad ever did. I desperately want to throw it back in their faces but they're dead. How do I do that?
 
How do you do what? Gloat? Look, perhaps you're in the position you are precisely because you were told it'd never happen. Perhaps your success was motivated by your parents scorn and indifference. Perhaps you found something in yourself that rose to the occasion and exceeded their expectations. You have done well. Gloating is for people who measure their worth by the opinion of others.
 
My boyfriend wants me to do all this icky gross sex stuff and I don't want to. But at the same time I then go home and masturbate about it and it turns me on. What is wrong with me?
 
Nothing is wrong. One thing is real life and one thing is a fantasy. But they are two different things. You can say no to one and yes to the other.
 
Well, here we go again. I wrote you years ago about my wife wanting to name our baby, Gunther, which we did. Ugh. Now she wants to name his new brother, Bruno. WTF! Is my wife pranking me or the kids? Gunther and Bruno? What kind of messed up baby names are those? Jesus.
 
I remember you, and you're now telling me you lost the Gunther battle, regardless of what I said about it back then. So what makes you think you'll win the Bruno battle, regardless of what I may say about it now?
 
I taught myself to meditate. I look forward to doing it because it shuts out this noisy, disgusting, wretched, fetid world we live in. I hate people and what they have done in the name of greed, religion and stupidity. Before you say anything, I haven't had any coffee this morning.
 
Natural rage is the best rage, eh. But, um, isn't meditation supposed to help that sort of thing?
 
I've been a flip flopper all my life. Permanent decisions scare me. How do I become more steady?
 
Find out why you fear permanent decisions. Overcome that, problem solved.
 
My old man is a biker who may have just killed someone. Am I a accessory to murder?
 
You know, I just couldn't say. Really.
 
I think you we're funnier when you did the Q&As.
 
You're right, I was. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and this unfunniness is the result. Back then, I used to sleep on the floor so there was no right or wrong side to get out on so my mood was never affected. So basically, it's the bed's fault. Bad bed. Bad bad bed.
 

 
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