Header Graphic
KeithSpeak- February 2021

 

 
 
 
February 3, 2021
I am feeling soooo creative today. Ahem.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
What a start! A few more catchy lines and it'll be move the fuck over Lord Byron.
 
February 4, 2021
Overheard two cashiers at the grocery.
-- You ever see that guy who comes in wearing a dashiki?
-- What's a dashiki?
-- You know, the colourful African top, it's loose fitting. They wear them in Africa.
-- No, I've never seen him. Why?
-- Well, he's white!
-- So?
-- The dashiki is from Africa! He's white! That's... What do they call that now?
-- Cultural appropriation.
-- Exactly! He comes through my line and I'm saying something.
-- God, my feet are killing me.
-- Tell me about it. Why can't we cashier sitting down? Is it a crime or somethi- Oh look, look who just walked into the store!
-- Is that dashiki guy?
-- You bet your sore feet it is. I'm telling you, he comes through my line and I'm saying something.
-- It's kind of a cool top.
-- He's white, Marcie!
 
February 6, 2021
Greased up and lounging like he didn't care, man spreaded to the max, Dad bod sexiness and lipids oozing from every pore of his soft, glistening body...
2021 in the flesh.
 
February 8, 2021
A friend called and wanted me to play pond hockey at his place. It's -25 this morning. This is Canada, where that sort of thing sounds like a splendid idea, so of course I agreed. But hey, I know what you're thinking: How do we keep the beer from freezing outside at 25 below? That is an excellent question! Ok, what you do is chop a hole in the ice and put the beer in the water because the water never gets below freezing. Practical Canadian science, the kind of thing we're all about up here. Later, my pretties.
 
February 10, 2021
Modern times. She was 75 if a day. Her girlfriend was maybe 40. The way they acted with each other just walking down the street, you could tell they were lovers. As if to put conjecture to rest, they stopped in front of a bookstore and French kissed like hungry babies sucking the same pacifier, hands roaming the other's body, arms clasped in tight embracement, neither concerned with the age difference, the public display of lust, LGBTQ issues or what anybody else thought of their desires. Because it's 2021. Modern times.
 
February 11, 2021
Their parents, John and Mary, were plain people. They knew all too well how the world treats the homely. So they named their daughters Lola, Nicolette and Kingsley, as if sexy names might overcome their genetics.
 
February 12, 2021
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
 
MONSTER
I will eat you now, my puny human!
 
PUNY HUMAN
No Monster! Don't eat me!
 
MONSTER
I will! I swear I will!
 
PUNY HUMAN
Look, is there any way we can make a deal?
 
MONSTER
I'm listening.
 
PUNY HUMAN
Ok, I'm just spitballing here, but...what if you
let me go and I tell everyone about how horrible you are
and that you're Mr. Invincible and you know,
build up your reputation real good so
everybody is afraid of you.
 
MONSTER
Everybody is already afraid of me.
I'm going to eat you now.
 
PUNY HUMAN
Wait, wait!
 
MONSTER
Look little man, the fact that you don't even have
a name in this scary movie decrees that you are to die.
 
(He swallows the puny human whole)
 
MONSTER
Oh yum, humans are delicious! Who knew they
tasted like chicken?!
 
 
February 14, 2021
She said that today is Valentine's and he better be getting her something romantic.
He told her that the whole thing is some made up fake holiday probably by Hallmark to sell more cards.
She told him that she puts great stock in Valentine's Day and he better deliver or else.
He said he wasn't buying her anything. Then asked, or else what?
She ran her hands up and down her body like some Price Is Right model showing off a living room ensemble. Then wagged her finger no at him.
He cupped his genitals like Madonna trying to be relevant, and said, You neither.
They stopped speaking that day and broke up that night.
Si triste.  
Anyway, to the rest of you, happy Valentine's Day?
 
February 15, 2021
You want some advice? Don't take advice. Not even this.
 
February 17, 2021
A couple of friends have a couple of kids who are a couple of heathens. The parents don't seem possessed, but those kids are spawns of the devil. Little bastards burned down their neighbour's garage trying to light a wasp nest on fire. They flooded the family basement by throwing real lawn darts at each other and when one missed and stuck in a wall, it pierced a water line that ran all night and wasn't discovered until the next day. They superglued all the door handles in the house so none of them turn anymore. They spray painted their mother's dresses black. We will probably cease being friends with the family once the boys become teenagers and progress into breaking and entering, theft, and other assorted crimes. All I can say is, if prison isn't in their futures, someone must kill them young.
 
February 18, 2021
There's a line from a movie where someone says, "Don't be a fool, Billy!" Well, don't be like Billy. Don't take anything for granted. Appreciate your surroundings, your life, the Earth, whatever. You don't have to fall on your knees and cry hosanna, but every now and then just look around and wonder at all that is. Why? Taking things for granted is a set up for a fall, because when things change, and things ALWAYS change, and what you took for granted is no longer there, only then will you realize, whether your name is Billy or not, that you've been a fool.
 
February 20, 2021
My hate for certain people is just my great disappointment in them. When you can be somebody, but you're not, and instead squander that on the shallow, the stupid, the useless, it's a letdown, a disappointment, a bubble burst, a hate enflamed. This is why it's so difficult to be dispassionate about douchebags.
 
February 22, 2021
Overheard two guys in line at the pharmacy.
-- What are you here for?
-- What am I here for? How about none of your business.
-- I was just being friendly. No need to bite my head off.
-- Whatever.
-- I'm picking up drugs for my wife. She's sick. You getting stuff for yourself or your wife?
-- What the hell's wrong with you?
-- What? I'm just being friendly.
-- Why you asking all these personal questions? What I'm doing here is none of your business. End of story.
-- I'll bet you're getting an antidepressant. You sound depressed.
-- Shut the fuck up.
-- I don't know if it's part of your prescriptions, but you need some anger pills too.
-- Seriously, asshole, you wanna scrap? Is that it?
-- What? No.
-- Then shut up. Don't talk to me. Not another word. This ends now.
 
February 23, 2021
He got ripped off for 800 dollars. That was his monthly rent and he needed to get that money back. So he scammed someone using the exact same scam run on him. It worked. He paid his rent, then sat quietly in his easy chair and contemplated a life of crime.
 
February 24, 2021
I was talking with a well known writer who told me that he had writer's block. He asked if it had ever happened to me. I said, No. He asked if I had any suggestions to ameliorate it. I said, Yes.
  • Meditate. Clear your mind of all thoughts about all things and when you discover this place of nothingness, writer's block will be seen for what it is, mere self-sabotage.
  • Take a long vacation from writing. Either literally go somewhere else and do something else, or stay at home and do everything but writing. Then, when you decide it's time to return to writing, you will have had other experiences in which to write about.
  • Because the block can be a paucity of ideas. This means that you need replenishment, new experience, circumstances different then from what you are currently experiencing. In other words, give yourself something to write about.
  • And finally, quit obsessing about writer's block. It's all in your head, you know.
February 25, 2021
An old friend got in touch. At first it was nice to reconnect, but after we went through the past and what's happened with each of us in the intervening years, there wasn't a lot to go on about. It got awkward. It was pretty plain that we were very different people now. Silence ensued, proof positive that Wolfe was right, you can't go home again.
 
February 26, 2021
Meanwhile, the conversation, such as it was, continued. He asked me if I had seen or heard from Candace. I had to search my brain to remember knowing anybody named Candace. I drew a blank. He attempted to remind me of the circumstances of how she and I met, none of which sounded familiar and I'm sure I wasn't there. After a while he says, Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was someone else.
 
February 27, 2021
He says he wants to find Candace because it's about Candace Jr. Candace Jr.? He proceeds to tell me that he and Candace had a fight about their love child's name. Love child? We had a little girl and Candace said she wanted to name it after her. I said, We can't have two Candaces in the house and she said, Why can't you name a girl, Junior? Boys are Jr. all the time. So our love child became Candace Jr. But now Candace Sr. has taken off and I gotta find her. That's why I'm calling. I knew Candace was kinda sweet on you so I thought that maybe she run up there to see you. I tell him that I've never met Candace, and he goes, Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was somebody else.
 
February 28, 2021
We had now been on the phone for what seemed like days. The whole thing ended with him saying, Now if Candace shows up at your door, tell her Candace Jr. misses her something fierce and for Senior to get back home. Say it for me now, Get back home, Candace Senior. What? He says, Go on, say it. Say, Get back home, Candace Senior. Instead I said, Look man, it's been great catching up with you, I'll tell her you called, and I hung up. Does this stuff only happen to me?
 

 
Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
KeithSpeak                                           March 2021
 
 
 

 

Keith Ryan Publishing

 

Privacy policy

Copyright © 2021 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.