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KeithSpeak - March 2021

 

 
 
 
March 1, 2021
When he was 12 years old, he was repeatedly molested by a priest. Now, 15 years later, walking past a coffee shop, he saw his tormentor inside. He walked in, sat down across from him, said who he was and asked the priest why he did what he did. When the priest denied everything, the young man became enraged and beat god's lying human vessel to a pulp right in the coffee shop. Gruesome stuff. Still, one wonders, with an institution rife with pedophiles, why this doesn't happen more often.
 
March 2, 2021
Arithmetic is a word stuck in my childhood spelling memory as a mnemonic -  a rat in the house may eat the ice cream. But now that I think about it, it could have been a rabbit, a raccoon or even a raven for god sakes. So how come "arithmetic" became associated with "rats in the house"?
 
March 3, 2021
She was gorgeous, shallow and superficial and she asked me how I felt about influencers. I heard Tom Cruise say, The truth? You can't handle the truth! Anyway, I said, I feel about influencers the same way I feel about Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Gak. She said she had never been so insulted in her beautiful pretty life and I was just jealous of her and all that she influenced. Sigh.
 
March 4, 2021
This is the top fifth of our driveway. I thought March was supposed to be all warm and cuddly. Am I looking at a lie? Am I being pranked? Just who is responsible for this?
 
March 5, 2021
Listen, don't give in to those who want you to. Don't be manipulated into doing something you shouldn't. Don't allow yourself to be used for the purposes of others. Or do, because as always, it's up to you. Everything is up to you. All of it. Every choice you make, every thought you have, every belief you believe. Capish?
 
March 6, 2021
A friend who farms ordered a bunch of exotic seeds from different places around the world as an experiment to see what would grow on his British Columbia farm. One package he received was supposed to contain cocoa beans but instead had marijuana seeds. He planted them anyway, harvested 10 pounds of pot and gave it away to his friends as Christmas presents. It was, as painter Bob Ross would say, a happy little accident.
 
March 8, 2021
Dust bunnies everywhere. I've offered the white, fluffy buggers carrots and water to entice them out but they won't budge. I've tried to shoo them out of the house but they just hop back in and settle somewhere else. Listen, one must always be kind to animals, absolutely, but these bunnies are testing my limits.
 
March 9, 2021
Overheard two teens at the hockey rink.
-- I can't believe every name in the world has been taken already. You can't get a dot com domain in your own name anymore.
-- We were born too late. The Internet is too old. Bastards snatched 'em all up.
-- Someone has owned my name since 1997. And I got a weird name.
-- It kinda doesn't matter. I mean everyone is on social media. You don't need your own domain because no one has their own website.
-- Maybe they don't have their own website because they don't own the domain?
-- Wake up, bro. Nobody in our generation codes. Who's gonna start a website nowadays if you can't code? Who wants a website anyway? What content do you have to tell the world?
-- Oh, I got stuff to say. Plenty of stuff.
-- Well there you go. Register igotplentyofstufftosay.com
 
March 10, 2021
A northern bush pilot has his own grass landing strip next to his house. But he's got a moose problem. They like his mowed runway. They like to congregate there, rest there and one even had her babies there. When he wants to take off or land, to clear the moose off the strip, his wife beckons the animals over and feeds them carrots and broccoli at the back door of the house. He then takes off or lands his plane. It's called a bush fix.
 
March 11, 2021
I saw a man whose head was so big that he couldn't wear a mask. I know he couldn't wear a mask because he had on a t-shirt that said, 'I have macrocephaly. My head is too big to wear a mask. It looks like a band-aid across my face. The distance between my ears breaks the little strings. Now you know why, so get off my case.' I dunno, seemed legit.
 
March 12, 2021
I have a new scar. I think it makes me look rakish. I mean it's not quite the statement an eye patch is, but it's in the right place to give me a little character, and I can make up great stories when people ask me about it. Oh that? Funny story...
 
March 14, 2021
A father and his young son were throwing a football in the yard. At one point the boy let loose a wobbly throw that hit their car, bounced off and rolled under the vehicle. The father retrieved the ball but it had a glob of grease on it. He told his son that catch was over, the football would have to be cleaned, and he went into the house. His son blamed the car and threw rocks at it. 15 years later, that boy would grow up to be Aaron Rodgers. Haw, just kidding. The kid went to work in a gas station and was gunned down in a robbery in 1983.
 
March 15, 2021
Dear Keith,
Oh my God! Why would you make up such a preposterous story about Aaron Rodgers? I'll bet he's never thrown a wobbly pass in his life. And exactly how do you clean grease off a football - it's got white laces! What kind of car was it? How much damage was done by the rocks? Was Aaron punished? Did his father ever play catch with him again? And then, my god, murder! No details. No nothing, just a gas station murder. This story is so incomplete. I don't know what to say. I really don't.
Signed,
Gobsmacked
 
Dear Gob,
You've said plenty. Really.
 
March 16, 2021
Two dogs were humping in the street and a group of people had gathered to watch them go at it. After a bit, one man said, "I can't believe I'm watching two dogs fucking." And the guy next to him said, "Porn is porn."
 
March 17, 2021
Overheard an older couple at a lighting store.
-- Everything here is so modern.
-- We're not hip enough to hang these lights.
-- I just wanted a lantern or something rustic. This is all steel and glass.
-- This is the third store we've been to, Sylvia. They're all the same. What if we buck the trend?
-- What do you mean?
-- What if we just hang a bare bulb?
-- You mean not have it in a fixture?
-- Yeah. Just a bare bulb hanging down. Like our first apartment. It could be our retro statement against the modernization of lighting.
-- I don't know Alistair, people might think we're just cheap. Let's go to a sporting goods store and buy a lantern. That would make me happy.
-- Happy wife, happy life.
 
March 18, 2021
Everything has consciousness. Rocks, water, trees. The one thing that unites all of us in this material world, is consciousness. Every molecule of everything that is, possesses consciousness. Whether you believe this or not, doesn't make it any less true.
 
March 19, 2021
Is that a missile site?
Is it a COVID hotspot?
A bigfoot lair?
Can Waldo be found there?
Why red? Why a square?
Was this picture taken from space?
By a UFO?!
Is that their base?!
Does this red square show the aliens where to land?!
Ho boy, it's clearly an outlined alien base!
Definitive proof that extraterrestrials are here!
It's indisputable.
Wow. Just wow.
 
March 20, 2021
It's the first day of Spring. If that doesn't mean something to you you're most likely dead inside. Yes, I said that.
 
March 21, 2021
Her dress was shimmering. It looked like it was moving on its own. It looked like she was wearing liquid water. The light that reflected off the material was so brilliant that you couldn't look directly at her or your eyes would scream for mercy. Some said she was a red head, others swore she was a platinum blond, but no one could tell for sure because of the eyeball busting dress. Later, after she had gone, it was said that she wasn't from around here, which was like saying that Celine Dion could kinda sing, or Sidney Crosby could play a little hockey. You think?
 
March 22, 2021
I had a 7:00AM dentist appointment. What kind of greeting is that for the day? And the whine of that drill in the early morning, rude! It left me wondering, just what kind of professional office opens at 7:00AM? Am I right?
 
March 25, 2021
I saw a woman in a housecoat vacuuming her driveway. With a household vacuum cleaner. A Kirby. I was transfixed. It was just one of those things you never see somebody do. Eventually, she sucked up a rock that jammed the machine and brought to a close this unusual, memorable, highly questionable exercise. Wow.
 
March 26, 2021
The following statement was uttered by one of the world's leading tech dudes as a defense to the overseeing bodies who want the Net cleaned up (whatever that means). "You can't clean up the Internet. If it's shown us anything, it's that there are a lot of stupid people in the world. They are not going to go away, they are not going to get smarter, more savvy, or gain any more understanding then they currently possess. The truth of the matter is, stupid people ruin the Internet and you can't do a thing about that." Wow.
 
March 27, 2021
The Dalai Lama was smiling and talking with reporters when someone asked him what he thought of Donald Trump. The smile disappeared, his countenance changed and he said quietly, A very troubled man. Which is Buddha speak for 'one fucked up human'.
 
March 29, 2021
It's a sad day around here. Someone we love is leaving. It's heartbreaking. Goodbye love, you will be missed.
 
March 31, 2021
We immigrated to Canada 34 years ago. That was such a good move.
 

 
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