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KeithSpeak - April 2021

 

 
 
 
April 1, 2021
Let's skip ahead to your vast success. Once all the money in the world has been made, once you've bought all the material things in the world, then what? Has your soul been saved? Do you feel any closer to god, possess any more spiritual understanding, or believe that the money miraculously made you a better person? Yes or no.
 
April 2, 2021
35 years ago today, my wife and I had a miraculous series of fortunate events that occurred on a beautiful day in Jasper, Alberta; a string of wonderful happenstance that unfolded like a pre-written script. It was so memorable I'm still talking about it today. 
 
April 3, 2021
Overheard a guy talking to himself at a gas station pump.
-- So she doesn't trust me. So what else is new? It's making me crazy. Every day I have to prove myself over and over again. Are you trustworthy, Nick? Can I trust you, Nick? Nick, are you to be trusted? Screw you, Diana. Everybody trusts me but you. That's not what I heard, Nick. That's not what I was told, Nick. Tell the truth, Nick. It's that little snitch bitch, Barney. He had to go and tell her he wouldn't trust me as far as he could throw me, and when she heard that, she went crazy on the whole thing. I kept telling her to look at the source. Barney is a scumbag who doesn't know shit. But no, she has to believe that arsehole and now I have to prove it every damn day. Well screw you, Barney. Screw you, Diana. Trust this! (He gives the gas pump the middle finger.) I'm done here.
 
April 5, 2021
John invited Sara to a party. But John got black out drunk and passed out in the kitchen. Sara had no way home and because she didn't know anybody at the party, was afraid to ask a stranger for a ride. With no cell phone, no Uber, and no way back to her house, Sara started walking home. She never made it. Turns out she was abducted by aliens, spent some time travelling at the speed of light and was then returned to Earth. Since E=MC2, everyone she ever knew was long dead, including John, the horrible, no good, awful date. "Good," she said.
 
April 6, 2021
UNKNOWN QUOTES FROM UNKNOWN PEOPLE
 
"That Darcy, she's some pile of pancakes." - Malcom McComb
 
"He was flat on his back and out of breath as if he'd just run a mile, but he didn't." - Bree Angel Tishman
 
"Trains are just giant phallic symbols. Don't get me started on tunnels." - Dierdre Habbershom
 
"People like me are as rare as people who pay attention to synchronized swimming in between Olympics which is zero except I'm not a zero even though it sounds like I'm saying I am." - Billy Rhodes
 
"I don't know how a blind man can ever use the word 'see' and yet I hear them say it all the time." - Barry Junot
 
"I've grown to hate the name Claire. My wife's name is Claire." - Gene Standard
 
"There are times like these and then there are other times which are not like these." - Arnold Fishman
 
"I hate corn dogs. Don't tell me otherwise." - Renee Kalish
 
"Anything wider than a pencil and I'm not interested." - Shirley Callou
 
"My wife deep fries everything. I weigh 331 pounds. Shut up." - Benny Ganomede
 
"We named her Cuddles. Now everybody on Facebook is saying that's shit." - Alice Menninger
 
"He's either a bad boy or a serial killer, but how do you know if you don't try?" - Ginny Bethel
 
"Hey mister, does that dog bite? Aaaauuugggggggh!" - Elliot Pinkman
 
April 8, 2021
HOW TO FEEL OLD IN SIX MILES:
I picked up a young hitchhiker and when he got in the truck he didn't say thanks, or how far he was going, or where he had come from. No, all he said was, "Holy shit, you have an in-dash combo CD/cassette tape player! I've never seen one! Is it factory? What year is this truck? Do they both still work? Put in a cassette. I've never heard a tape cassette. They say they hiss. You do know that CD players died out like decades ago, right? What tapes do you have? Let me see. Who are the Allman Brothers? Never heard of Little Feat. Steve Earle's country. Santana, isn't he dead? The Beatles, I've heard of them. Ooh, let's try this Motown mix. Which side do you put in the player? Can you switch between sides? Who is that? The Temptations? Never heard of 'em. How do I switch tracks? What do you mean I have to fast forward? How do you know when to stop? Who's that? Marvin Gaye? Never heard of him, but it's kind of a cool song. I don't hear any hiss. Oh, this is my exit up here. Thanks for the ride and the history lesson. Your combo player is dope. Have a nice day."
 
April 9, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There are currently 34 active criminal lawsuits against the loser known as the One Term Twice Impeached Orange Twat
Good
 
April 10, 2021
Some say we're prescient. My wife and I left the States for Canada when Reagan had Alzheimer's in office and the doddering old fool wanted to bomb people from space. That was followed by war criminal Bush the moron and his unrelenting stupidity, and then of course, you had the sludge in the bottom of the barrel, the loser of all losers, grandpa orange twat. Prescient? On the face of it, perhaps so.
 
April 12, 2021
Overheard two people at the pharmacy.
-- I want a divorce, Allen.
-- What?
-- You heard me.
-- My god, Gretchen, why do you want a divorce?
-- Because I'm not in love with you anymore.
-- Oh... Ok.
-- Ok?
-- Yeah. If that's what you want, fine. Let's get divorced.
-- You're not even going to try and save our 4 year marriage?
-- Nope.
-- Ok then.
-- Ok then.
 

 

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