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KeithSpeak - April 2021

 

 
 
 
April 1, 2021
Let's skip ahead to your vast success. Once all the money in the world has been made, once you've bought all the material things in the world, then what? Has your soul been saved? Do you feel any closer to god, possess any more spiritual understanding, or believe that the money miraculously made you a better person? Yes or no.
 
April 2, 2021
35 years ago today, my wife and I had a miraculous series of fortunate events that occurred on a beautiful day in Jasper, Alberta; a string of wonderful happenstance that unfolded like a pre-written script. It was so memorable I'm still talking about it today. 
 
April 3, 2021
Overheard a guy talking to himself at a gas station pump.
-- So she doesn't trust me. So what else is new? It's making me crazy. Every day I have to prove myself over and over again. Are you trustworthy, Nick? Can I trust you, Nick? Nick, are you to be trusted? Screw you, Diana. Everybody trusts me but you. That's not what I heard, Nick. That's not what I was told, Nick. Tell the truth, Nick. It's that little snitch bitch, Barney. He had to go and tell her he wouldn't trust me as far as he could throw me, and when she heard that, she went crazy on the whole thing. I kept telling her to look at the source. Barney is a scumbag who doesn't know shit. But no, she has to believe that arsehole and now I have to prove it every damn day. Well screw you, Barney. Screw you, Diana. Trust this! (He gives the gas pump the middle finger.) I'm done here.
 
April 5, 2021
John invited Sara to a party. But John got black out drunk and passed out in the kitchen. Sara had no way home and because she didn't know anybody at the party, was afraid to ask a stranger for a ride. With no cell phone, no Uber, and no way back to her house, Sara started walking home. She never made it. Turns out she was abducted by aliens, spent some time travelling at the speed of light and was then returned to Earth. Since E=MC2, everyone she ever knew was long dead, including John, the horrible, no good, awful date. "Good," she said.
 
April 6, 2021
UNKNOWN QUOTES FROM UNKNOWN PEOPLE
 
"That Darcy, she's some pile of pancakes." - Malcom McComb
 
"He was flat on his back and out of breath as if he'd just run a mile, but he didn't." - Bree Angel Tishman
 
"Trains are just giant phallic symbols. Don't get me started on tunnels." - Dierdre Habbershom
 
"People like me are as rare as people who pay attention to synchronized swimming in between Olympics which is zero except I'm not a zero even though it sounds like I'm saying I am." - Billy Rhodes
 
"I don't know how a blind man can ever use the word 'see' and yet I hear them say it all the time." - Barry Junot
 
"I've grown to hate the name Claire. My wife's name is Claire." - Gene Standard
 
"There are times like these and then there are other times which are not like these." - Arnold Fishman
 
"I hate corn dogs. Don't tell me otherwise." - Renee Kalish
 
"Anything wider than a pencil and I'm not interested." - Shirley Callou
 
"My wife deep fries everything. I weigh 331 pounds. Shut up." - Benny Ganomede
 
"We named her Cuddles. Now everybody on Facebook is saying that's shit." - Alice Menninger
 
"He's either a bad boy or a serial killer, but how do you know if you don't try?" - Ginny Bethel
 
"Hey mister, does that dog bite? Aaaauuugggggggh!" - Elliot Pinkman
 
April 8, 2021
HOW TO FEEL OLD IN SIX MILES:
I picked up a young hitchhiker and when he got in the truck he didn't say thanks, or how far he was going, or where he had come from. No, all he said was, "Holy shit, you have an in-dash combo CD/cassette tape player! I've never seen one! Is it factory? What year is this truck? Do they both still work? Put in a cassette. I've never heard a tape cassette. They say they hiss. You do know that CD players died out like decades ago, right? What tapes do you have? Let me see. Who are the Allman Brothers? Never heard of Little Feat. Steve Earle's country. Santana, isn't he dead? The Beatles, I've heard of them. Ooh, let's try this Motown mix. Which side do you put in the player? Can you switch between sides? Who is that? The Temptations? Never heard of 'em. How do I switch tracks? What do you mean I have to fast forward? How do you know when to stop? Who's that? Marvin Gaye? Never heard of him, but it's kind of a cool song. I don't hear any hiss. Oh, this is my exit up here. Thanks for the ride and the history lesson. Your combo player is dope. Have a nice day."
 
April 9, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There are currently 34 active criminal lawsuits against the loser known as the One Term Twice Impeached Orange Twat
Good
 
April 10, 2021
Some say we're prescient. My wife and I left the States for Canada when Reagan had Alzheimer's in office and the doddering old fool wanted to bomb people from space. That was followed by war criminal Bush the moron and his unrelenting stupidity, and then of course, you had the sludge in the bottom of the barrel, the loser of all losers, grandpa orange twat. Prescient? On the face of it, perhaps so.
 
April 12, 2021
Overheard two people at the pharmacy.
-- I want a divorce, Allen.
-- What?
-- You heard me.
-- My god, Gretchen, why do you want a divorce?
-- Because I'm not in love with you anymore.
-- Oh... Ok.
-- Ok?
-- Yeah. If that's what you want, fine. Let's get divorced.
-- You're not even going to try and save our 4 year marriage?
-- Nope.
-- Ok then.
-- Ok then.
 
April 14, 2021
Do you have confidence in yourself? Do you believe in yourself? If not, why not. If you let others determine your worth, then you are never going to be satisfied as long as there is one person out there who disagrees and thinks you're not all that. Why not eliminate the middle man? Believe in yourself, not what others tell you to believe. Capish?
 
April 15, 2021
As soon as she encountered the sign, she stopped. Could she do this? Did she want to show it all to strangers? She looked down toward the beach. What she saw excited her, disturbed her, thrilled her, agitated her, titillated her and made her just a little jumpy. Could she do this? Did she want to show it all to strangers? It might as well have been a stop sign.
 
April 18, 2021
The liveliest, cutest little Jack Russell Terrier was walking with a stoic brute of a dog, a large Bullmastiff. The Bullmastiff was all muscle, no nonsense, and walked straight ahead while the Jack Russell jumped about and ran around in circles like a canine court jester trying to make the bigger dog laugh. There were no humans around. They were just two buddies out for a stroll. If you ever doubted that friendships come in all sizes and all species, doubt no more.
 
April 19, 2021
Wanna talk about stupid? I was in the middle of working on a screenplay when I couldn't stand looking at all the schmutz on my keyboard and decided to DustBust it. Did I manage to save what I was working on or better yet close the program before I did that? No, no I did not. I ran that hand held vacuum over all the keys, pushing hard here and there to get stuff stuck between and when I was finished, the keyboard looked extra spiffy. When I looked at the computer screen, I saw that all my hard vacuuming and random key pushing had erased a good deal of my screenplay and inserted gobblygook in pretty much the rest. Huh. That was stupid.
 
April 21, 2021
Overheard two teens in town.
-- I've just about had it.
-- With what?
-- Zoom.
-- What are you talking about?
-- My Mom is on it all day for work. My Dad teaches his classes on Zoom so he's on the computer all day. We are doing distance learning on Zoom at what, 5 hours a day? I've had it.
-- Yeah, it's getting old.
-- They keep saying it's the new normal. Screw that.
-- Who would have ever thought we'd want to be back in school?
-- I hate this world.
 
April 22, 2021
I met this guy who, for some inexplicable reason, started telling me about his sordid family. "My teenage daughter is a stripper but the clubs have closed because of the pandemic so she set up a pole in the basement to keep in practice but my wife got interested in trying out some moves and now she tells me that when the clubs reopen, she is going to join our daughter on stage. My wife and daughter will be strippers together! I'm super turned on."
Yikes.
"I am going to quit my job and become their manager. I'm going to set up a website that features them dancing together and, you know, other stuff."
Other stuff?
"Well, the next step is of course, porn. If I can talk them into it, we can make a fortune off dudes wanting to see a real life mother and daughter together. We'll be rich."
So you're their pimp.
"No, I'm their manager. Big difference."
Yeah, big difference.
 
April 23, 2021
Do less with more, he preached. Huh? Isn't it, do more with less? Do less with more makes no sense. It sounds wasteful. Does he know he's twisting idioms? Should I tell him? What might his reaction be? Would he thank me for straightening him out? Does he know he's preaching a warped gospel? What is going on here?
 
April 25, 2021
He wrote a book. It was never published, never sold a single copy and was never read by anyone except himself. However, none of that denigrated the fact that he had written a book, something he saw as one of the great accomplishments of his life. So even though it never made a penny and was never read by anyone else, his book was a great success. Do you understand how that's possible? You determine what success is for you.
 
April 26, 2021
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
ALISHA
America is the greatest country in
the world.
 
JEAN CLAUDE
You only say that because you're American.
 
ALISHA
Of course. It must be the same way you
feel about France.
 
JEAN CLAUDE
I am Quebecois.
 
ALISHA
I don't know what that is. maybe a French tribe?
 
JEAN CLAUDE
I am Canadian.
 
ALISHA
Oh, you are not! Jean Claude, you shouldn't
be afraid to tell an American you're from
France even if Americans hate the
French.
 
JEAN CLAUDE
You people are so myopic.
 
ALISHA
I don't know what that means but
I want to hear you sing the praises
of your mother country.
 
JEAN CLAUDE
For that I would have to sing, Oh Canada.
 
ALISHA
Why does everyone think Canadians are so great?
 
JEAN CLAUDE
For the same reason everyone thinks Americans
are churls and oafs. It's the truth.
 
ALISHA
Look Jean Claude, I don't know what oats have
to do with it, but America is the greatest
country in the world.
 
JEAN CLAUDE
Actually, America is the greatest country only
in America. For the rest of the world,
it's a tossup between Canada, New Zealand
and Sweden.
 
ALISHA
USA! USA! USA!
 
JEAN CLAUDE
Mon dieu.
 
April 27, 2021
Watched a maskless guy get thrown out of Walmart by a beefy security guy. After the man refused to put on a mask, after he was told to leave the store, after he refused and started shooting off his mouth, the beefy security guy grabbed him by the collar and belt and forcibly escorted him out of the store. 15 minutes later, the same guy, now wearing a mask, passed me in an aisle. When you need toilet paper, principles be damned, eh.
 
April 28, 2021
There are special numbers in the universe. Everyone is aware of primes and googols, but individual numbers can also have cosmic strengths. 12, for instance. 3, 6 and 9 as well. Do I expect you to relate, understand or care? No, no I do not. I'm just sayin'...
 
April 29, 2021
I heard a young person use the word 'groovy', not in a condescending, kitsch or satirical way, but as a serious comment on something cool. Sure, everything old is new again, but acknowledged mistakes such as 'groovy' and disco are best left buried in the graveyard of anachronisms. Are too. These kids, get off my lawn.
 
April 30, 2021
I was presented with a participation trophy. Are you kidding me? If not for that blind ref I would have won the whole shebang. Jeez, this thing is so dinky. Look, I'm not against participation trophies for adults, it's just that they should be bigger than the ones they give to 5 year olds. Right?
 

 
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