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KeithSpeak - May 2021


May 3, 2021
At 7 o'clock this morning a car pulled down our driveway, an angry woman exited, knocked on our door and demanded that I hand over Gina. It was obvious she had the wrong guy, wrong place, wrong everything. I told her so. She tried to push past me and get into the house but I assured her that wasn't going to happen. She ranted and raved, called out Gina! Gina! a dozen times and refused to leave. I finally told her I was going back to bed and she refrenzied all over again, imagining, I suppose, that it meant I was going back to Gina! Gina! I shut the door, locked it and went back to sleep. 20 minutes later, more insistent knocking. This time I open the front door to an RCMP officer. God, the whole thing is rehashed. The cop and the Gina hunter leave together. I shut the door. Too late to go back to bed. Once again, I just have to ask, does this shit only happen to me?
May 4, 2021
Here's something you can do with your cell phone. Take a video of yourself at whatever age you are now and tell yourself about your hopes and dreams. Then save that video and view it in a year. Then make another video commenting on the first one and how that panned out or didn't. Then restate your hopes and dreams and watch that video in another year. Repeat until you've either had enough or you're dead. You will eventually have a nifty chronicle of your hopes and dreams through the ages and how that manifested itself, changed completely or dropped by the wayside as you moved through your life. As a bonus, you'll get to see yourself physically change through the years.
May 5, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I have to see that commercial one more time, you know the one, we all know the one
I'm gonna do a Ricky Ricardo and esplode!
May 6, 2021
"Is there anything more disheartening than your manly husband crying like a baby?" - Marilee Phaeton
"I've always been partial to blonds, bananas, fancy trinkets and the smell of burnt wood." - Cassidy Craymont
"If I say 'No' I mean 'No' unless it's date night and I'm role playing, then 'No' means 'Take me now!' unless we're in a public place and then 'No' still means 'No'." - Ginger LaMont
"I have seven cats and they are all my very best friends. That would be Charlie, Pico, Murray, Lou, Casper, Carlos and Gwendolyn." - Darnell "Big Deal" Hobbs
"If I say something important, quote me, but if I don't, get out of my face." - Louie Mudge
"There's genius in our family and her name is Peaches." - Peaches O'Reilly
"It's -40 in the prairies and it's at times like these I ask myself why I live in the prairies." - Ted Allen Grunwald  
"Then I cut him up into little pieces and - wait a minute, is that thing on?!" - Jules the plumber
"My name is Yuri Zlotnik, but that's a terrible name in the west so I told my family I was updating Zlotnik to something cool and hip and definitely more today. They had no idea what I was talking about." - Yuri Z
"My husband and I allow our kids to run amuck. So sue us." - Belinda Mackey
"She said she loved me, then she cheated on me with countless dudes and a couple of chicks. You think she still loves me?" - "Clueless" Mickey Tessator
"Lies are the beginning of everything fake and the end of anything real." - Sheri Hallowell
May 8, 2021
I pull up to a red light and next to a Nissan Sentra that has a woman driving, a Border Collie in the passenger seat, and three full grown sheep in the back. The most incongruous thing about it all was the fact that she was not dressed in casual farm clothes, no, she was wearing a tailored blue suit perfect for the corporate office and yet, she had sheep in her backseat. I thought:
1.) she needed to move her animals to another place and she only had the lunch hour to do it, or,
2.) it was show and tell day at work, or,
3.) she ran out on her lunch break to buy three sheep and a sheepdog, or,
4.) in broad daylight she stole all the critters and was making her getaway in an inconspicuous Nissan loaded with farm animals, or,
5.) she was teaching a seminar about sheep herding and they were the teacher's pets, or,
6.) they were a trick act, three trained sheep and their dog off to entertain at a kid's birthday party, or,
7.) they all just love to go for long drives, or,
8.) all of the above, or
9.) none of the above.
May 10, 2021
Overheard a couple at the pharmacy.
-- I've decided not to get vaccinated.
-- What?! Are you out of your mind?
-- I heard they put tracking devices in the serum. I don't want the government tracking me.
-- That's ridiculous.
-- Facebook tracks me. Instagram tracks me. Twitter tracks me. Why not the government?
-- Haven't you been watching the news? The government is run by incompetent jag-offs like Diaper Donnie Trump. Get real.
-- Yeah, well, I also heard the vaccine makes you sterile.
-- Puh-leeze.
-- Plus, the church says not to take it. They say it's against God.
-- Really. I'm surprised that in between screwing little boys and marginalizing women they have the extra time to spew their precious vaccine ignorance.
-- I'm not getting vaccinated and that's that.
-- Fine. Die of COVID. It'll just be one more fool wiped from the face of the Earth. Oh, and by the way, you and I are done.
-- What?
-- You're an idiot, Johnny. I'm not dating an idiot. So we're done.
-- All because I won't get vaccinated?
-- All because of your idiot excuses not to get vaccinated - they're tracking me, the church says God'll be mad, you'll be sterile. It's all bullshit and the fact that you believe the bullshit shows me you're an idiot. I'm not dating an idiot. So I'm done with you.
-- What...what if I get the vaccine?
-- And still believe the bullshit?
-- Kinda.
-- Nope.
May 11, 2021
I have been involved in 3 car wrecks and one motorcycle accident in my life.
The first car accident took place one month after I had my driver's license. The funny thing about that is, someone told me a statistic about how many new drivers have a crash within the first month of driving, and I only had a couple of days to go when, in city traffic, another car swerved from their lane and plowed into me. Not my fault but I lamented the fact that I was now one of those statistics.
The second time it was entirely my fault as I totalled my sister's car on an icy highway one winter afternoon in Columbus, Ohio.
The third time I got T-boned in an alley by a car who skidded on snow and couldn't stop until he smashed into the passenger side of my truck, the one where my friend was sitting. He still says I should have pulled ahead faster when we both saw what was happening; I tell him that lots of people have broken ribs and bruised femurs so he's not that special.
The motorcycle accident was me just driving into a parked car after losing control of the bike at what would have been deemed an inappropriate speed had law enforcement been anywhere near the area. That was costly because it wasn't my car and it wasn't my bike.
I bring this up because one day there will be flying cars. Can you imagine those accidents?!
May 14, 2021
Looking at all the turmoil and trouble, I asked an American friend where the US is headed and he replied, "To hell in a handbasket".
May 15, 2021
Something came up and I couldn't make some other thing because of it. The problem was, the thing that came up was not something I could use as an excuse for not going to the other thing. So I made up another excuse that was nothing more than a beard for the real excuse I couldn't use. So it wasn't quite a white lie, it was more mauve.
May 16, 2021
-- What is that white boat doing in front of our house?
-- Honey, it's our new car!
-- Yeah, new if Calvin Coolidge were President and Elvis lived here.
-- It's not a Cadillac, Janelle. It's a Chrysler Imperial Crown Coupe.
-- It's 2021, you fool! That car looks older than Larry King - and he's dead. What year did they make this monstrosity?
-- Don't be like that, Janelle.
-- What year, Marvin?
-- 1964.
-- Cripes, that's older than Mom!
-- It's a classic, Janelle.
-- How much did you pay, Marvin?
-- A lot.
-- Now you're scaring me.
-- Just look at her! She's worth every penny.
-- How many pennies?
-- Let's go for a ride. That will convince you of what a great buy she is.
-- It looks like a street legal Chris Craft.
-- I'm telling you, Janelle, this car will be worth a fortune someday.
-- It's already 57 years old! When the hell is someday going to be? How much did you pay, Marvin?
-- Come on, Janelle... $18,000.
-- $18,000! Jesus, Marvin. You are very lucky that it's cabin cruiser size because you're going to be sleeping in it for the foreseeable future. Bon voyage, Captain Asshat.
May 17, 2021
You don't "need" preachers, gurus, or the opinions of others to understand your life. You are your own bona fides. What else have you got but yourself? Believe it. Act like it. Live it. You are the OG.
May 18, 2021
Dumb as hell or crazy like a fox? This dude is suing all the major glasses manufacturers because none of them have adjustable temples (the "arms" you hook over your ears). His "disability" is that his ears aren't level on his head, and since he can't independently adjust the arms of the specs up or down, glasses never sit level on his face. "I can't see properly!" he lamented through his lawyers who were eager to "see" their way through this all encompassing and wide ranging glasses case (see what I did there?). Dumb as hell or crazy like a fox?
May 19, 2021
She was wearing a T-shirt that said, "Death to all Etruscans", while his shirt said, "Rome sucks". Aside from hating each other's civilizations, they seemed like a happy couple.
May 21, 2021
They were attracted to each other but money was a stumbling point. He was rich and said that money wasn't that important. She was poor and said that the focus of her life has been the pursuit of enough money to survive. He said he would give her as much as she needed. She said that would make her feel like a gold digger or worse, a whore, so no thank you, but why don't you live with me on my salary so you can see what the struggle is really like? But he had no intention of giving up his unimportant money. In the end, they, like this post, had nowhere else to go.
May 22, 2021
Overheard two older women standing over a grave.
-- Poor Doug.
-- He died so young.
-- I miss him. He was one damn sexy man.
-- And he sure knew how to use what he had.   
-- Best lay I ever had.
-- It didn't hurt that he was hung like a horse.
-- Not at all. Not at all.
-- Now all that's left is old Bernie.
-- I know, and he hasn't gotten it up since the Mulroney administration.
-- I guess it's back to pleasuring ourselves.
-- No more boy toy.
-- Just toys.
-- Sisters, doing it for themselves.
May 24, 2021
A neighbour's cat jumped up on top of their wooden fence and the Bulldog who lived across the street started barking at it. As a tease, the cat languidly stretched its full length, yawned and then laid down and watched as the barking dog crossed the street and got closer and closer. Then, clearly taunting the canine, the cat jumped down onto the street side of the fence and just as the dog lunged for it, stepped smartly through the narrow slats and sat down inside the yard. The dog was beside itself, snorting ferociously, it's nose pressed to the fence boards where a mere eight inches away sat the cat, licking its paw, ignoring the worked up dog, when from inside the house someone yelled, "Jezebel, quit torturing poor Herman. Play nice."
May 27, 2021
I look at the news coming out of America and all I see is a nation in decline, turmoil, divisiveness and fear.
May 28, 2021
Moscow Mitch, Leningrad Lindsey, Kremlin Cruz and Diaper Donnie all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve shitbags, liars, punks and losers here."
There is no punch line. The 4 of them are the joke.
May 30, 2021
Had a bot come scrape my site recently and days later I found my material on another website attributed to another person. The normal procedure for this ripoff would be to have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter followed by a DCMA takedown order if he didn't comply, but to be honest, that was too fancy for me. Instead, I contacted the webmaster, sent him a picture of a jacked up maniac, told him that if he didn't remove my content, that dude was going to take my frustrations out on the guy running the site. I then provided, courtesy of his domain registration, his full name, address, and phone number. My material was gone within 2 hours.

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