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KeithSpeak - June 2021

 

 
 
 
June 1, 2021
For 23 years I have been sitting at my desk on a Herman Miller Aeron chair. It's been nothing short of wonderful until 10:15 this morning when I sat down, heard a whoosh from the height adjustment pneumatic gas lift cylinder and the chair plummeted to the floor, refusing to rise again. Holy crap. Batman! I shall soon be elbows deep into this chair's innards as I attempt to fix my unresponsive seat. And if that doesn't work, I'll change my tune and start singing the praises of standing at my work desk. Will too.
 
June 2, 2021
A decorated actor known for his range said he learned everything he knew from watching John Wayne movies. What? How is that even possible? John Wayne's acting was often compared to a 2X4. The dude could have said he learned from Laurence Olivier or Robert De Niro and no one would have been the wiser, but John 'Dud' Wayne? I'm calling him a liar. Yeah, I said it. 
 
June 3, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The sign said, 'You are now granted automatic entry'
I don't know what that means but I'm in. I'm in!
 
June 4, 2021
He had always wanted to fly to space but he didn't have the imagination to picture himself there, and he wasn't smart enough to be a real astronaut nor rich enough to o buy a seat on a commercial spaceflight. But he did have drugs. Lots of mind altering drugs. So, are they any less legit as a means of transportation?
 
June 5, 2021
Ho boy, I'm up in our field assessing the condition of our fencing when overhead, something zips by me at an incredible rate. So fast I couldn't even tell what it was. It was 10,000 times faster than a bumble bee, but seemingly not much bigger. It made no noise and I only caught it out the corner of my eye for a nanosecond before it wasn't there anymore. I know! About a half hour later, it happens again. Maybe 20 feet over my head, a small bee sized object zips by at astronomical speed and makes no noise. It's there but it's not there. Hmmm. Don't think I didn't stop and dwell on that for a while.
 
June 7, 2021
I've sez it before and I'll sez it again: Everything has consciousness. Rocks, dirt, water, everything. Act accordingly.
 
June 8, 2021
Overheard a couple at the bakery.
-- I'll take a loaf of the 7 grain bread and two soft pretzels.
-- I hate 7 grain bread. It's like eating sand paper.  
-- Ok, so what would you prefer, Gary?
-- Just plain old white bread.
-- Doesn't that sound racist.
-- What? White bread?
-- Yeah.
-- It's not bread for white people, Alice.
-- Still, calling it white people's bread is dodgy.
-- Who said it's white people's bread?
-- It's white bread, isn't it? You're white. You're buying it. Ergo it's white people's bread.
-- Jesus.
-- He was white too, you know.
-- God, Alice.
-- You also hate pretzels, Gary? After all, they come from Germany. You know, Hitler and all.
-- Oh my God!
-- What about bear claws? You're an animal lover. You ok with eating bear claws?
-- I'll wait for you in the car, Alice.
-- Good idea, Gary.
 
June 9, 2021
For moi, red tag Levi's are the gold standard, but the top selling jeans in the world are, gag, Gucci. That's right, Gucci, allowing rich dowagers everywhere fancy pants mom jeans, frou frou, hoity-toity and posh so they can pretend to dress down just like the rabble because there's nothing the rich like more than standing out from the rabble while pretending to be part of the rabble because that's how the rich like to roll, or so I'm told, I could be wrong, as wrong as Gucci jeans themselves?
 
June 10, 2021
INSIPID MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
ALVIN
Oh Marsha, you are the most
delicious woman in the world!
 
MARSHA
Gosh, Alvie, you make me sound like a
dinner at Denny's.
 
ALVIN
Yes, perhaps a Grand Slam dinner.
 
MARSHA
It's a Grand Slam breakfast, Alvin.
 
ALVIN
I beg to differ, my Marsha. I have
eaten at Denny's many times.
 
MARSHA
You calling me a liar?
 
ALVIN
Let's just agree to disagree.
 
MARSHA
You ARE calling me a liar.
 
ALVIN
Marsha.
 
MARSHA
Don't Marsha me!
 
ALVIN
Are we really fighting over some
chain restaurant's dinner menu?
 
MARSHA
God damnit, Alvin, it's not a dinner item!
It's a Grand Slam breakfast. Breakfast!
 
ALVIN
You talk to me like I'm a child! Like I
don't know the difference between
breakfast and dinner! For this, I will
never forgive you, Marsha!
 
MARSHA
You're weak, Alvin. My mother was right.
 
ALVIN
Because of you, Marsha, I shall never
eat another Grand Slam dinner again!
 
MARSHA
You never had one in the first place
BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM!
 
ALVIN
I hope you're happy!
 
MARSHA
I'm ecstatic, Alvin. Over the frickin' moon.
 
June 11, 2021
He crept up slowly from behind and just as he was about to leap and scare the daylights out of her, she quickly turned and screamed, "LOSER!" in his face. He fell back, terrified. He had underestimated her. She was sharper than he thought. She had eyes in the back of her head. He realized now that he was going to have to go some to scare her. He had no idea why he wanted to scare her, he only knew that he had to, now, more than ever.
 
June 13, 2021
Out on a tree lined dirt road in the country I pass a roadside table set up outside a farm. On it are fresh produce, homemade rag dolls and bags of marijuana. The lady tending the table is 85 if a day. At hand she has a pitcher of ice cold lemonade, a soft and comfortable seat, the shade of a huge oak tree and a joint burning in a homemade ash tray. She tells me that she can't legally sell the pot, so it's free with any purchase, but the produce and dolls will reflect that in their price. Onions were selling for 10 dollars apiece, carrots at 3 dollars a carrot and cucumbers at 45 dollars a pound. The dolls were the street price of an ounce of pot. She may have been 85 and stoned, but this gal had it going on.     
 
June 14, 2021
Do you whip in before you do the crime, or after, as part of the get away?
 
June 15, 2021
He awoke from a coma after years of being unresponsive. He asked if Trump was in jail yet. Upon hearing the answer, he cursed himself for waking up too soon. He was pretty much in a sour mood after that. Turns out he was such a pain in the ass, doctors discussed putting him back in a medically induced coma. They meet next Tuesday to decide.
 
June 17, 2021
She couldn't have been more than 4, standing in line with her mother. The line wasn't moving and it obviously annoyed her because she turned to her mother and said, "This is fucked up". Everybody standing there who heard the little girl jumped all over the mother.
"You can't let her talk like that!"
"What a filthy mouth on such a little girl."
"How does she even know that word?"
"Why aren't you outraged? You must be a terrible mother."
Just then the line started moving. The girl turned to her mother and said, "Thank god. I gotta charge my phone."
It's 2021. Innocence went out when the Internet came in. If you're offended by a child saying 'fuck', you're old.
 
June 18, 2021
Overheard a couple at the bank.
-- Same thing every damn Friday.
-- What are you talking about?
-- I can't believe there are lines at a bank. We're giving them our money. Is it too much for them to put on another teller?
-- We could use the ATM.
-- Like they don't charge for that!
-- You're in a crabby mood.
-- These places piss me off. We're literally giving them our hard earned money and they act like we should be grateful, then they use our money to make even more money while the pricks pay absolutely no interest for using our money, and to top it off, they make me stand in line to give it to them.
-- Where else are you going to put it? Your mattress?
-- If I wasn't afraid of our old house burning down I would.
-- What else can you do? The bank is it. So quit-
-- I could buy a safe! They can withstand a burning building!  Why didn't I think of this before?! Come on, Jerry, let's get out of here.
-- You're not going to deposit your paycheck?
-- We're going to buy a safe. Come on.
-- Wait a minute, Georgia, where are we going to put a safe in the house?
-- Um...we'll hide it in plain sight. Put it in the living room, throw a blanket or sheet over it and no one will know it's there. We could put a lamp on top.
-- How much do safes cost?
-- Jerry, for my piece of mind in not having to deal with banks anymore - priceless. Come on, let's go.
-- Georgia, we're next. Let's deposit our checks today and then take next week to shop for a safe.
-- Ok, but this is the last time. Next time I stand in line here it will be to withdraw my money, close out my relationship with these bloodsuckers and bask in the warmth of knowing my hard earned money is sitting right next to me while I sit on the couch watching TV.
-- Fair enough.
 
June 19, 2021
For years I've been telling you guys to wake up. Have any of you? (By the way, this is not to be confused with the currently hip and gag inducing 'woke'.) Have any of you guys taken a look at your own lives and come to realization that you are the cause and effect of your own thinking? That you are what you think. Literally. No? Too bad. Yes? Bravo.
 
June 21, 2021
Be kind to animals is more than a slogan, it's a way of life. Rats, snakes, even mosquitoes have as much right to be here as you do. You can march through your time on Earth killing everything that frightens or annoys you, or you can live and let live. The differences between the two are profound, mainly because one implies personal development and the other doesn't.
 
June 22, 2021
They have been married for 18 years and she has cheated on him dozens of times. He doesn't have a clue. On the other hand, for 18 years he has been embezzling from his company and has quite a tidy nest egg stashed away. She doesn't have a clue. All their friends say they are made for each other, but the evidence seems to suggest otherwise. Their friends assume a long marriage means a good marriage. Silly friends.
 
June 24, 2021
Met a guy with a 3 legged dog. The right front was missing. On the left front, he had a very cool looking, completely functional custom made dog boot. The guy said that with every step the dog has to land so hard on his one front leg that he was tearing up his paw so he made him a protective boot. It was soft, well cushioned and artfully made. I complimented him on it and asked if he was a cobbler. He said, no, just a dog lover. Indeed.
 
June 25, 2021
I just completed the Canadian census. I have been counted. I am one of many. All together we are this country. Oh cool, look, I've just been given my number! I'm Canadian 2,670,349! Sweet.
 
June 26, 2021
Overheard a man and a clerk at the hardware store.
-- Do you guys have waterbed pumps?
-- A pump? For a waterbed?
-- Yeah.
-- Who has a waterbed anymore?
-- I do.
-- No kidding. Hey, is that your phone ringing?
-- What? No.
-- It's 1970 calling. They want their waterbed back. Ha ha.
-- You're fuckin' hilarious. Do you have any pumps?
-- For a waterbed?
-- No, for the Hoover Dam. You got any pumps for the Hoover Dam?
-- I thought you wanted a waterbed pump?
-- You got any?
-- No.
-- Well that's that. Dude, it's been everything short of a pleasure.
-- Never had nobody ask for waterbed parts before.
-- You don't say.
 
June 27, 2021
They met on a blind date. He took her back to his place later. She noticed all the toy cars lining the walls of his apartment. He told her he was a collector. But every room she went into had more and more cars. In the spare bedroom there were cartons and cartons of unopened toy cars filling the entire room fourteen boxes high. She asked him point blank if 'collector' isn't just a euphemism for 'hoarder'. Like all addicts, he preferred not to think of his compulsion in such terms and instead said that his mania was nothing more than a healthy hobby. There was no second date.
 
June 28, 2021
Our home page states:
Our aim is to inform, entertain, and get you to think for yourself so you can become consciously aware and startlingly awake. Yikes.
 
And yet, in the mail this week I have gotten missives that have included the following lines:
  • I'm too busy coping with life to try and figure it out.
  • My life is a disaster. Nothing can fix it. Nice try.
  • Why is existence so hard?
  • My life sucks. I hate everything about it. How can you be enjoying yours when I'm so miserable in mine?
  • Why doesn't being human come with a manual?
  • I'm just biding my time until this is over.
Sheesh, I don't get it. I've been here over 20 years, why is the world still full of confused and mixed up people?
 
June 30, 2021
We are in a massive heat wave here in western Canada and I say enough is enough. It hit 114 degrees at our house yesterday. 114! This better not be the new normal. I'm just sayin'...
 
 

 
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