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KeithSpeak - July 2021

 

 
 
 
July 2, 2021
Met two anti-vaxxers who both got COVID. What did they think would happen?
 
July 3, 2021
Look at this clown attire.
How is this Halloween costume any less absurd than a KKK hood or Ralph Kramden's Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Loyal Order of Raccoons hat? What if you went to an accountant who dressed like this? Or a cop who pulls you over and leans in your window looking like this reject from a RuPaul drag show? You gonna buy what he's selling?
 
July 5, 2021
Overheard two kids outside the mall.
-- She said to wait here, Darrell.
-- Why couldn't we go with her?
-- Because she was going to make a complaint.
-- What is she complaining about?
-- Some defective toy.
-- Why couldn't we go?
-- You have to be an adult to go in the store.
-- Well what's wrong with the toy?
-- It doesn't work, I guess.
-- Did she say what kind it was?
-- Nope.
-- Did she show it to you?
-- Nah uh.
-- Don't you find this a little mysterious?
-- No.
-- Well I do.
 
July 6, 2021
FIRST LINES WE'D LIKE TO READ
With the entire Trump family in jail, that's the end of that.
 
July 7, 2021
My wife and I renovated our kitchen. A contractor did the work, but we designed it, selected all the materials, sourced them, purchased them and got them to our house. We replaced all the appliances and designed some custom built cabinetry. We decided where everything would go, how everything would look, and how everything would compliment everything else. Aesthetically and functionally, we came out with the perfect kitchen for us. It fits our house, it fits us, it's smart and attractive. Tonight, dinner at our place. 7 sharp. Be there or be square.
 
July 8, 2021
What happens when you do the math and suddenly realize that your parents are a mere 16 years older than you. They said they had married young, but you never really thought that your parents were just 16 years old when you were born. Wow. But now that you have thought about it, wow.
 
July 9, 2021
Some pictures raise more questions than they should. For instance:
Are these men who look like women or women who look like men?
Are they wearing shirts or dresses?
Is this fashionable or freaky?
Modern or not?
Do the flowers help the picture?
What if they were smiling?
Is there a hidden message here?
Could they be related?
Are they in some kind of club?
Is this a good picture?
 
July 10, 2021
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I have completely forgotten my past. I do not have amnesia or Alzheimer's. I just cannot remember anything past last Tuesday. I had gotten a sandwich from a vending machine in the bus terminal and I ate it and then felt a little funny. Moments later I had no idea what I was doing in the bus station. I have come to the conclusion that that sandwich was laced with, I dunno, some kind of witchery. It was a plain cheese on white. I think I was going to Cleveland. This ever happen to you?
 
Signed,
Perplexed
 
Dear Perplexed,
No. My memory is excellent because I have never eaten a bus station vending machine sandwich. That, my friend, is the difference between you and I. However, to address your specific problem, I suggest you forget the past (as it has obviously forgotten you), forget Cleveland (as many have), and focus on the future. There, that's tidy.
 
July 12, 2021
A brother and sister were playing hide and seek in a big box home store. At one point, the brother hid inside a floor display dryer. But he pulled the door shut and as soon as he realized there was no way to open it from the inside, he panicked and started screaming and banging on the door. But it was a well insulated dryer. They found him a week later when the floor unit got sold.
Morale of the story: Well obviously, dryers are not to be trusted.  
 
July 13, 2021
Overheard two women at the Community Centre.
-- Well I think it's a disgrace.
-- Why would you say that?
-- She's dating outside her race!
-- So?
-- Listen, Phoebe, you know how the Jews are always saying they want to marry other Jews, well it's the same for white people. We wanna marry other whites.
-- It's 2021, Betty! Love comes in all colours and all cultures.
-- Well I still think it's a disgrace.
-- Have you met him?
-- No.
-- What's so bad about him anyway?
-- He's Irish! They're a bloodthirsty race, Phoebe.
-- Oh. My. God.
 
July 14, 2021
My wife used to work with this useless sod. Even though she quit working with him decades ago, my revulsion for him has remained steadfast. However, since I hadn't seen the lazy git in forever, it was nicely repressed. But I saw him this week, found that I still detested the weasel and had to manage the urge to go over and smack him. Too public. There would have been questions, witnesses. It was easier to just cut the brake lines on his car. Wait, did I say that outloud?
 
July 15, 2021
When he realized it was his new girlfriend's birthday, and he had gotten her nothing, he ran out and bought her a bunch of gas station lottery tickets and scratch offs and gave them to her in a brown paper bag with a heart on it that he drew with a Sharpie. She was less than impressed. Upset, she asked him to leave. Then she checked the tickets and scratched off the scratch offs and when she realized that she had won $100,000, she broke up with him over the phone lest he try and claim any of the money. So was this a good birthday or a bad birthday?
 
July 16, 2021
On our quiet rural road a father was teaching his 16 year old daughter how to parallel park. He set up two traffic cones and first showed her how to do it by parking the car in one smooth, swift motion and settling perfectly between the two cones. When it was her turn, she cranked the wheel hard to the right, gave it too much gas, blew through the cones and dropped the car into the drainage ditch alongside the road. The vehicle settled in at a 15 degree angle and she was white as a ghost. Assessing the damage to his daughter and car would just have to wait because this was a modern parking lesson, which means Dad had filmed the whole thing and was busy uploading the fiasco to Instagram and Facebook. Sadly, it's episodes such as this that cause many to doubt the survival of our species.
 
July 19, 2021
We have a doe that has taken up residence on our property and I constantly see her in the yard at the house or down at the barn. Our encounters are frequent enough that we've kind of gotten used to seeing each other. When we do meet up, we both take notice of the other, but then we go back to whatever it is we were doing. I think it's splendid that she's not fearful of my presence, but moreso that this wonderful acreage is home to both of us. 
 
July 20, 2021
The Tokyo Olympics officially start in 3 days, oh boy! but some sports are starting early to accommodate their longer tournaments. So tonight, we get a Canadian women's softball game followed by Canadian women's soccer match. Ooh la la. And so it begins.
 
July 21, 2021
She was giving her boyfriend a quiz from a women's magazine.
-- What's your favorite color?
-- Gray.
-- Gray?!
-- Yes.
-- That's so... neutral.
-- Yes.
-- Why gray?
-- It's my favorite. That's why.
-- But, gray.
-- Yes.
-- Gray.
-- Yes.
-- Damn.
-- Why, what does that say about me?
-- Gray is not good. Blue is good. Even green was ok.
-- What's wrong with gray?
-- According to this, everything. 
-- Well what does that say about you if your boyfriend likes gray best.
-- That's really not good. We might have to break up over this. 
-- I don't want to take this quiz anymore.
-- Too late. Gray was the IED you stepped on. 
-- Damn.
-- Next question: How many previous girlfriends did you have and what were their measurements?
 
July 22, 2021
Would you really want to know what other people say about you behind your back?
 
July 23, 2021
She tried telling a joke but no one laughed. It was just like those dreams she had where she was naked in public and everyone was staring. With every tick of the clock she died a little inside; the silence, the stares... This was going to scar her, she knew it. Sure enough, from then on out, whenever things weren't going well, she would fly back to that moment when no one laughed and she was effectively naked in public.
 
July 26, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why don't politicians
Have to pass an IQ test
 
July 28, 2021
Overheard a tourist and a local at the bank.
-- Excuse me, do you live here?
-- Yes I do.   
-- Is this the only TD branch in town?
-- It is.  
-- This is ridiculous. There are nine people waiting to use the ATM. I'm what, tenth in line to see a teller. You're eleventh. Why is it so busy?
-- It's tourist season. It's the only branch in town.
-- Where I live, this would be unacceptable.
-- Yeah?
-- In Toronto we have over a thousand TD branches. You never have to wait in line. This is bullshit. I'm on vacation and I'm wasting my time standing in line at the bank.
-- What's the population of Toronto?
-- I dunno, three million maybe.
-- You're in a town of 15,000.
-- So?
-- So that's why we have one TD branch.
-- I'm telling you now, your town either needs to get bigger or richer because this is unacceptable. You need more bank branches...and a Burger King. You don't even have a Burger King.
 
July 29, 2021
The truth as told by Lenny and Steven.
-- Trump is a piece of shit.
-- A real fetid turd.
 

 

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