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KeithSpeak - August 2021


August 2, 2021
"She ignored me so I drank an entire bottle of Wild Turkey and it's not because I'm an alcoholic. Am not." - Glennie McMaster
"I always pick the number 5." Arlen Beachmore
"Don't ever go to McDonald's hoping for a rare steak and a nice Zinfandel. You will be more than disappointed." Giacomo Torini
"All hail, Lydia!" - Lydia Carruthers
"The last time I spoke to Jerome was when I said I never wanted to speak to him again." - Lorelei LeBlanc
"One day the sun will burn out and all this will be gone. But before that happens, we're going to Dollywood!" - Cletus and Lori LaRouche
"I ain't lyin', I worship my mama." - Tyrone "Baby Face" Pitkin
"I used to gamble on everything - horses, football - but one day I says to myself, Frankie, why don't you never bet on yourself?" Frank Sway
"It's simple. There are two kinds of people in this world. One is one way and the other is wrong." - Joanna Jermaine
"I grew up wanting to be a poet. How freakin' stupid is that." Ginger Armstrong
August 3, 2021
Someone I hadn't seen in more than 3 decades blew by. We drank a few beers, told some stories and then he was off. Friends come and go, but it's rare when you know you're seeing someone for the last time and it's not because they're dying. Bittersweet.
August 4, 2021
I Don't Care What Amelia Says, I Am Not Giving You A Hall Pass  was the name of an unsolicited manuscript sent in by Daniel "Too Loco" Benetiz. When I informed him we only publish the work of a single author - moi, he said I was being selfish. "Too Loco" said his manuscript was about lesbians. Lesbians! he whispered, as if it was a magic word like abracadabra.
Days later, a producer was in my office shooting the breeze when he spied the aforementioned manuscript. He picked it up and leafed through it, stopping to read here and there. Then he turned to me and proclaimed, It's about lesbians! I want to option it. I told him I didn't write it and that it was an unsolicited manuscript. I want this, he said, can I have it? He was excited. He walked out like a kid with a Playboy. Some might call me a dream maker. I blush, of course.
August 5, 2021
What kind of porn do hipsters stroke off to?
August 6, 2021
Went out to a friend's farm to help him with bailing hay. When I got there, his wife gave me a pack lunch and said that her husband was out in the field. I joined him and we worked for 9 hours straight getting his hay in. Hot and sticky, dirty and sweaty we headed back to his house to use his outdoor shower. We stripped off and were washing up when his wife came out with 3 beers and sat down at the picnic table. Then she opened one and just watched us shower. Awk-ward.
August 7, 2021
Addendum to the last post: After drinking half her beer, his wife asked if she could join us. My friend said no. She got up from the picnic table and went back into the house. We finished washing, got dressed and sat down for a beer. Suddenly, Metallica began blaring loudly inside the house. My buddy said, Uh oh. Seems his wife is easily offended but adverse to confrontation so she revs herself up with heavy metal music and then, when she's good and riled, explodes with a temper tantrum. He suggested I finish my beer and head out before the fireworks start. I couldn't drink fast enough.
August 8, 2021
Addendum to the Addendum: His wife took a sledge hammer to the outdoor shower. Smashed it to bits.
August 9, 2021
June was like August, unbearably hot and miserable, and July was like August, no rain, dry, forest fires out of control, and now August is like August, soaring temperatures, dead vegetation, no water. So that's 3 Augusts in one year and let's face it, August was miserable long before the climate changed. We couldn't have 3 Septembers? We have to thrice repeat one of the most wretched months of the year? I am not a fan.
August 10, 2021
Aw, that was so sweet. I was given something made for me by a reader. Rarely happens, but still, nice of them to take the time. It was gift wrapped so I thanked the young woman and went on with the meet and greet. Hours later I open it. It's a photo album. All the pictures are of her. Naked. Doing all kinds of...stuff. It was signed, Delores, with a phone number. And I thought to myself, you don't see many young people named Delores these days.
August 12, 2021
Overheard a guy and a girl at an outdoor cafe.
-- Danny said I could have it.
-- I'm sorry, Alvin, but it's not Danny's to give away.
-- I will pay good money for it.
-- That nice, Alvin, but it's not for sale.
-- Come on, someone's gonna get it. Why not me?
-- It's not going to happen, Alvin.
-- But Danny said-
-- Danny doesn't have shit to do with this, Alvin. The answer is no way.
A guy walks up and joins them.
-- Hey. What are you guys talking about?
-- Carol's virginity.
-- That's funny, because Danny told me-
-- Fuck Danny! I'm gonna kill him. That's all there is to it. Plain and simple. Boom, you're dead. Danny? Oh, he died.
-- Is Danny coming?
-- Not with me. Not ever. Not now.
August 14, 2021
As a result of all the forest fires around here, the air is acrid and full of ash and it has driven wildlife from the mountains down to the town. We are getting more and more bears on our property. They've been in the yard, on the front porch, inside our barn and in general, anywhere they care to roam. Your head has to be on a swivel when you go outside. All I can say is bad forest fires. Bad bad forest fires.
August 15, 2021
My mate went to a female barber because she was cute. He got the worst haircut imaginable. "She was adorable but talentless," he said. And what is to be learned from this? "Nothing," he replied. "Absolutely nothing." Hmm, I guess there are life lessons and then there are just plain bad experiences.
August 17, 2021
It just poured rain yesterday and when I looked outside I saw a torrent of water rushing down our driveway. That's not right. I followed the stream all the way up to the road where I saw that the runoff from the street had taken a gravity assist turn down our drive and had now worn a 6 inch groove in the gravel at the top, effectively funnelling and directing all the runoff water from the street to cascade down our driveway. Lordy. Guess what I'm fixing this morning.
August 18, 2021
I was at the garden center when a motorcycle pulled up. Hanging off each side of the gas tank was an enclosed, padded basket and in each basket was a cat. He went in the store, bought little burlap bags of catnip and put one in with each kitty. Then he started the bike, said, "Here we go girls!" and roared off. My, you don't see that every day.
August 19, 2021
Confidence lost:
Her name was Bertha. "For some reason everybody expects me to be podgy, plain or dumpy. I'm sick of it."
His was Aloysius - "Nobody can pronounce it or spell it. I'm so over this stupid name."
Confidence gained:
One day they got drunk and decided why not legally change their names? She selected Edith, while he chose the biblical Judah. Empowered, they took off for City Hall.
Confidence lost:
When the county registrar heard the new names he said, "Neither of these are any better. You sure?"
But they weren't. A lack of confidence, you see.
August 20, 2021
We have to reroof our 50 year old barn. The old girl is showing her age and climbing about on the 33 foot high roof seems precarious to me. The roofers, however, pooh poohed that and scheduled us in. Brave lads.
August 23, 2021
Overheard two siblings at the grocery.
-- Mom said we could buy one package of any kind of cookies we like.
-- I want Oreos.
-- But I want Nilla Wafers.
-- Don't be stupid, Little Pete. We could have chocolate. Why do you want some gross wafer?
-- They taste good.
-- Oh, and Oreos don't?
-- Maybe she'll let us buy two?
-- Don't be an idiot. She's not gonna do that.
-- Well what if we buy wafers this time and Oreos next time?
-- You're so stupid, Little Pete. How do you know she's going to say this again? Has she ever let us buy our own cookies before? No. So we're getting the Oreos.
-- But what if-
-- Pete! God!
-- Brendan, I don't like the middle part of the Oreos.
-- What? Don't be stupid. That's the best part.
-- Why do you always call me stupid.
-- Because you are.
-- I'm telling Mom.
-- Go ahead. You don't think she knows you're stupid? Trust me, everyone knows.
-- Not everyone.
-- Yes, everyone.
-- I'm telling anyway.
August 27, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
These are things that would have to be explained to an alien if they arrived on Earth and had no idea about flower colour or the taste of sugar.
August 30, 2021
"Oh mannnn," he groaned. He stopped pulling and stared at the sword. Paul VanMeter was a 35 year old man whose father had always belittled him for being weak. When Paul was 13, his father said he was going to test him to his limits and if he failed this one final time, he would forever be known as a weakling. There was no time limit on the test, hence Paul, at age 35, still trying to pull the sword out of the stone his father had cemented in there all those years ago. "Sure, I know it's some King Arthur shit, but if I quit trying to get it out it'll prove him right and I can't live with that."
But Paul's wife, Henrietta VanMeter, hated her horrible, bossy, bullying father-in-law so much for what he was putting her husband through, that she went to the sword in the stone with a metal grinder and cut the sword off where it entered the rock, leaving her just the handle, the hilt and 3 inches of blade with which she stabbed her father-in-law in the neck and watching him writhe on the ground said, "Who's the pussy now, Pops."
As you might guess, the VanMeters are not talking to one another anymore and that has actually turned out to be the best solution for all. The father no longer has to be disgusted with his embarrassing, weakling son and now, his psychotic wife, and Paul no longer has to put up with his father's taunts and smears while Henrietta no longer has to go to family functions and pretend to like anyone else there except her husband. Most unconventional, but a win-win nonetheless.
August 31, 2021
Dottie lived next door to Mickey. Dottie was infatuated with Mickey but Mickey didn't feel that way about Dottie. When she finally professed her love, he didn't reciprocate and that was the end of their neighbourly relationship. This frosted Dottie's cake. So every evening between midnight and four, Dottie would get her high school cheerleader megaphone, open her window, aim the amplifier straight across to the window in Mickey's living room where his Echo sat, and Dottie would command Alexa to play Ozzy Osbourne at 10. Then Dottie would close her window, hug herself, and go back to bed as all hell broke loose at Mickey's house.  
George Bernard Shaw once said that, "Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn". This act would appear to be in direct contravention of that.

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