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KeithSpeak - October 2018


October 1, 2018
Bad luck seems to follow those who believe in it. Coincidence? I think not.
October 2, 2018
In 2018 how many people who aren't programmers, computer science grads or professional IT people muck about with code anymore? (He sheepishly raises his hand.) I was editing my site in an HTML window when a buddy leaned over my shoulder and asked what I was doing. Playing basketball, I answered as I typed in a tag. He asked me what that line of code would do. I told him it would start and end a paragraph, begin it in italics, drop case the first letter and make it a link. All that from a line of gobbledygook and squiggles?! he yelped. That's like...like learning French or something. Oui monsieur, c'est vrai.
October 3, 2018
The poster says, If you see something say something. Ok then, the President of the United States is an incompetent twat.
October 4, 2018
Her parents left her 2 million dollars in cash, stocks and bonds worth another 4 million, an Audi R8 and a condo in Santa Monica. But she wanted more. She wanted what her step sister got - the vineyard in Oregon, the 52 foot sloop, the house in Brentwood and millions in cash. Why? Because when she was 10 years old, her step sister told her, Mommy and Daddy love me best, and she was afraid the will proved it.
October 7, 2018
Look at me! Look at the way the light just dazzles off my metal self! Now that's sexy. Way more than the supposed "beauty" of the Fibonacci sequence. Gag. That stupid spiral is highly overrated and hardly comparable to my brilliance. I am shiny, sensuous, smooth to a fault, mesmerizing to look at and pleasurable to the touch.  I am far superior to some 2D rendering of the oooooh golden spiral. You're not convinced? How do you make a dumbass Fibonacci? Grab a number 2 pencil and draw a few lines. Takes about 10 seconds. looks as unimpressive as it actually is. How do you make a dazzling metal sphere? Yeah, let's not even go there. Please, the Fibonacci sequence is shit compared to me.
October 8, 2018
At a symposium, a guy who was considered the guru of naming companies was asked if he could reveal one simple trick that a new company could use when creating a name for themselves. He said, "Put the word 'Pro' in front of what you do. Pro Auto Repair, Pro Health, Pro whatever. It imparts the illusion that you are some kind of professional outfit, whether you are or not; it also says that you are for this thing that your name describes. Both of these identifications are reassuring to the public, who, by the way, are actually pretty stupid, so don't sweat it too much."
October 9, 2018
Overheard two women.
-- I love Eddie, but I don't like him.
-- What do you mean?
-- He's a great father, but he's a rotten husband.
-- What are you talking about?
-- He hasn't made love to me in 6 months! I think he may be cheating.
-- You think that's really it?
-- Well what else could it be?
-- Um...
-- What? Go on, spit it out.
-- Look Lucy, I'm not criticizing, but you have put on a lot of weight. Maybe Eddie isn't attracted to you...like that.
-- That is so low! Sure, I've gained a couple of pounds. My husband doesn't love me and I may have taken to food to soften the blow. But you have no right to-
-- Oh shut up, Lucy! You gained what, 100, 150 pounds? You have convinced yourself that Eddie doesn't love you so you've just given up.  
-- Yeah, it's either that or - HE'S CHEATING WITH YOU! Maybe you're saying all this stuff so you and Eddie can continue your affair!
-- Yeah, that's it.
-- I knew it!
October 12, 2018
She was an All American athlete from a southern university, an Air Force jet pilot, a successful businesswoman who ran a multimillion dollar company and, oh yeah, she was African American. After due diligence and careful consideration, she decided to run for office. Her opponent, an ignorant racist who ran on the fact that he was an ignorant racist, smeared her on her looks, her race, being a woman, and other such irrelevant ridiculousness's. Instead of an equal smearing of her more than ripe opponent, she chose to inform the public, the voters, the very people she wanted to represent, how voting for her was in their best interest. That was all. Whattaya think, did she win?
October 13, 2018
They just got back from a weekend music festival. The advertised headline act pulled out at the last minute. It rained 2 of the 3 days. One of the bands got electrocuted and the base player "glowed like the sun" just before dying onstage. Their tent was appropriated for an impromptu slip and slide. The promoters ran out of food, potable water and condoms. Everything about the festival was a disaster and yet upon their return they said they had a marvelous time. So how was this possible? Recreational drugs. And if drugs could make people feel good about a ruinous weekend such as this, then recreational drugs are obviously good. Regardless of what you may have heard. 
October 15, 2018
Went to a party where I found myself face to face with a neighbor of ours dressed in drag. It was not a costume party. He said his name was Cheryl. Awk-ward.
October 17, 2018
Everybody in Canada knows what today is.
If you're not from Canada, here's a hint.
October 19, 2018
A friend from Europe wrote and told me he had been offered a job up in the Yukon and wondered whether it would be a good place to work. I extolled the virtues of the north (unmatched scenery, abundant wildlife, not that many people, good wages) and I outlined the pitfalls of the north (frigid winters, mosquito laden summers, far from everything, expensive to live). So, did he take the job? No, no he did not. His reason? "I've seen bears in the Dublin Zoo, mate. I want no part of that shite."
October 20, 2018
At a social event I met pastor Glenn. Slight and balding, unremarkable and innocuous, he seemed harmless enough - on the outside. But I could sense a darker underbelly to pastor Glenn. I'm sure there was depraved evil in pastor Glenn. Obviously pastor Glenn was hiding hideous secrets, malevolent intentions, damnable actions. We were talking baseball. I wondered, should I bring up the darkness?
October 21, 2018
Overheard a mother and son walking down the street.
-- So what did you think of Jerry?
-- Do you want the truth, or some fib to make you feel better?
-- The fib.
-- Jerry's a great guy.
-- Ah, so you hated him.
-- He's a loser, Mom. His hands shake and he had on two different colored socks. You can do so much better than Jerry.
-- Allen, you have no idea how hard it is for a middle aged divorced woman to find a decent guy. If they were any good, they'd still be married.
-- All I know is it ain't Jerry.
-- Yeah, I know... At dinner he spilled spaghetti sauce on his shirt and he never even tried to wipe it off. It was depressing. This whole dating thing is depressing.  
-- Don't worry, Mom, there's someone out there for you.
-- I hope you're right, honey. I don't know how many more Jerrys I can take.
October 22, 2018
He worked in the IT department of a successful company. He asked for a raise and was rebuffed. Later that night he asked his girlfriend for sex and was rebuffed. The following morning he tried to board the bus without correct change and was thrown off. Walking to work he passed a gun shop. He looked in the window. Would he use it on himself, his boss, his girlfriend or the bus driver?
October 24, 2018
I've been gone for days. My graphics card melted down. Couldn't see a thing. Got a new card. Now I can see! I can see!
October 26, 2018
Trump is 72 years old. What in the hell is a geriatric with half a mind doing up at 3 in the morning tweeting bullshit? We're supposed to believe this geezer stays up all day and all night naturally? There is no way grandpa's not taking methamphetamines, coke or other stimulants because let's face it, he is a fat, out of shape old man who constantly eats crap food and says the stupidest shit this side of George Bush. Has anybody ever tested Don the Con for drugs? Lock her up? How about, Test the chump!
October 27, 2018
Have you done anything nice for yourself lately? Bought anything? Said anything? You know, it could be something as simple as complimenting yourself on a good decision or a nice outfit. Or, it could be as meaningful as looking in the mirror and seeing yourself for the first time free from personal judgement. Ooh, wouldn't that be nice. Anyway, indulge yourself. Why not?
October 29, 2018
He married a girl who was not only pretty but brilliant. She had a Ph.D. in chemistry and made over $100,000 per year. She was quick with a quip and had a wicked sense of humor. He was average looking, had zero ambition, zero prospects and made $12 an hour working as a detail guy for a local car dealership. Somehow they met, got on and married. She loved his simple life and uncomplicated nature. He loved that he got to have sex with her. For each of them, was this enough for the long term?
October 31, 2018
The world is full of so many unhappy people. Maybe that's because most people have never thought about what happiness means for them personally, so they really have no idea what would make them happy and have instead adopted the obvious tropes - more money, big house, great toys - but has anyone ever really believed that true and complete happiness lies in a new jet ski? Isn't personal happiness something within? Aren't happy people happy with themselves? their circumstances? their prospects? Isn't it that which defines happiness on a personal level?

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KeithSpeak                                     November 2018


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