KeithSpeak- November 2018

 

 
 
 
November 1, 2018
I was in a frame shop when a young woman walked in with a poster. She unrolled it and to my astonishment and the store clerk's embarrassment, it was a 5 foot tall picture of her and some guy having graphic, sloppy, wet nasty sex. She went on to explain that her boyfriend dared her to frame the picture and hang it in their living room and, well, she was never one to shy from a dare. Yikes. I couldn't help imagining her family and friends walking into her house and seeing this on the wall. My my my.
 
November 3, 2018
Went to the pub with a friend and his German cousin, visiting from Munich. After one drink, the German became morose and gloomy. After two, he became belligerent and started ripping on his cousin and their family in a hateful, merciless way. After three he was talking and singing in German. After four, he started slagging off Canadians. After five, he started a fight with a much bigger man that got us all thrown out of the pub. The next morning, the German told my friend that he had the most wonderful time and couldn't wait to go out again that night. Cheeky bugger. You've heard the phrase, accident waiting to happen? That was Klaus.
 
November 4, 2018
Trump fighting the environment... We're all gonna die.
 
November 5, 2018
They were twin sisters wearing the same clothes, same hairstyle and carrying the same red leather purses.
 
In your mind's eye, did you imagine the girls were
6 years old?
12 years old?
17?
21?
36?
72?
From that one sentence, did you think they were
Little girls?
Teenage sisters?
College gals?
Married mothers?
Old ladies?
And just as importantly, what did they think about you? Were you
Leering?
Smiling?
Staring?
Ogling?
Just exactly what was going on in your imagination when the whole twin sisters thing came up?
 
November 7, 2018
A woman turns 100 at a nursing home. The local news media is there to cover it. When asked what she was most looking forward to at her age, she said, "I'm just hanging on long enough to watch Trump get impeached, his brand turn toxic and criminal charges to be pressed against his whole rotten-to-the-core family. When that goes down, and they're all crying like the little bitches they are, I'll shuffle off in peace." Amazingly, the local news ran the clip. On the eve of the midterm elections. How perfectly wonderful.
 
November 8, 2018
What's wrong with the world? Nothing.
It's you, not the world. The world you see, experience and understand comes from inside you. It comes from your world view, your personal beliefs, your idea of who's who and what's what. You layer those thoughts and ideas onto a world that is literally open to interpretation by every single person on this planet. You want the world to become a better place? Change those personal conditions within your mind and the world becomes a completely different place. Does too.
 
November 9, 2018
First snowfall of the year is always fun. I am sitting in a friend's hot tub drinking beer when a natural gas truck pulls up to read the meter. After taking his reading, the guy says that he wasn't prepared for snow today and he's wet and cold and asks if he can join us in the tub for a few minutes to warm up. My friend shrugs and the guy strips down and enters the water. Not 30 seconds later, my friend's naked wife exits the house with beers in hand and when she sees the stranger in the tub, lets out a little scream, drops the beers and runs back into the house. First snowfall of the year, always fun.
 
November 11, 2018
It's 6:30 in the morning. I'm eating cookies. That's how well things are going.
 
November 14, 2018
The joke had to be good, but when it was...
 
November 16, 2018
When you wonder if you're doing something right, when you are worried about what others will think, when you are sure you're going to fail before you even start, just be aware that these fears, worries and negative thoughts all have a blanket effect on the outcome. They shape the outcome. Of course, the same is true if you reverse that and instead believe in yourself, are not at all concerned whether others like it or not, and your self-talk is of success and strength, then this too will have a blanket effect on the outcome. One good result, one bad result; as always, the choice is yours.
 
November 18, 2018
It was 3 o'clock in the afternoon and she had bed head. I had just arrived at her office for a meeting and it was clear she either just had sex or was just waking up from a nap. When I got closer and saw the pillow creases on her cheek, it was obvious she had been napping in her office in the middle of the day. Aw, my kind of gal.
 
November 21, 2018
This was kind of creepy. When she was 14, her parents died in an automobile accident and she was taken in by her uncle, a 45 year old bachelor. Now, some twenty-four months later, they are to marry. Isn't that kind of creepy?
 
November 22, 2018
At this point in time, at this exact moment, I believe I've said everything I need to say. Tomorrow might be different, but right now, I don't think there is anything else to add.
 
November 23, 2018
An old friend admonished me for not getting in touch. He says that he's always the one to call, Skype or write and how come I never inquire after him first. It's because I've no inclination. To be fair, it's not just with this one friend, it's with all my friends. I rarely initiate. Why? No inclination. But listen, when they do get in touch, I am always glad to hear from them. It's like a little party. What?
 
November 25, 2018
I dunno, maybe you noticed that I didn't post yesterday and perhaps you're a little worried, a tad concerned, maybe wondering how yesterday was for me. Get this, I'm sitting in front of the telly wearing my number 45 Archie Griffin Ohio State football jersey watching my alma mater demolish our rivals from Michigan in The Game. I think the final score was 180 to 3. So  I can honestly say, I had a pret-ty good day yesterday. There is no need for worry. There is no need for concern. Unless. of course, you're from Michigan.
 
November 28, 2018
This month marks the 50th anniversary of my all time favorite album - Van Morrison's incomparable Astral Weeks. This record has been analyzed, critiqued and discussed for 50 years and none of it can do the justice of a single listening to this masterpiece.
 
"Van Morrison looks like a troll who lives under a bridge, but that album, oh my, that album..."
                                                                                                                      Lester Bangs
 
November 30, 2018
Damn, I got a speeding ticket yesterday on a trip out of town. 138 bucks out the window. So the cop comes back from his cruiser after checking my licence and registration and he informs me that I have another driver's license from Arizona. I tell him I've never been to Arizona. He shrugs. Immediately, I think identity theft, because it's pretty hard to believe that someone else in Arizona has my same name and birth date. When I'm back in town I go up to the cop shop and ask them for as much info as possible about this Arizona driver's license I supposedly possess. She runs my license and says, I don't show an Arizona license but I do have one from Colorado. Well yes, that is true, I lived in Colorado. But no Arizona? No, she says, no Arizona. So now I gotta wonder, with legal weed and all, what was that cop smoking?
 

 
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