KeithSpeak- December 2018


December 2, 2018
19 of the G-20 countries sign the Paris Agreement on climate change with the lone holdout being the belligerent cotton candy headed American charlatan with ideas so backwards that he refuses to sit at the big boy table and instead isolates himself at the kiddie table and throws a hissy fit when people tell him he's ruining the planet.
A person who pretends or claims to have more knowledge or skill than he or she possesses; a quack.
December 4, 2018
Overheard two older gents at the bowling alley.
-- You like my pants?
-- What's not to like?
-- I got 'em in four different colours 'cause they fit so damn well. Heck, almost one for every day of the week.
-- Sure, if we had a four day week, which we don't. So really, you'll have to wear some of them twice in one week. Most of them really. All but one. You should have bought another pair, then the rotation would be much more reasonable. 
-- Problem is, they only came in four colours. I got all they had. Wait a sec while I pick up this spare.
-- Larry, I gotta say, watching you go through the bowling motions just there, those pants fit you like a glove.
-- I know! And the ladies seem to love 'em.
-- Where'd you get them? I might like to try a pair.
-- No, Henry! You can't get the same pants! Then they'll never know who was the original and who was the copycat.
-- Who's they?
-- You're not buyin' 'em. I'm not telling you where I got 'em and you're not buyin' 'em.
-- Ok, Larry, simmer down.
-- You know you don't have the body for these pants, Henry. You know you don't. They won't look as good on you as they do on me. And then one day, what, you and I wear the same colour on the same day and end up looking like a pair of dork twins or something? No, I won't have it.
-- Ok Larry, I get your point. Come on, let's bowl.
December 5, 2018
Just back from another failed engagement with the rest of the world, the baby buffoon bleeds all over his keyboard whining about how the end of his job is in sight, his secrets and lies are about to be exposed and none of the other world leaders like his little brain, boorish behavior and crude demeanor, but not to worry (he tells himself), you still have the very best small mind in the business.
The chorus will now sing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don the Con
Will be indicted soon
December 6, 2018
I went into a chain furniture store looking for a chair and ran into a buddy who was also shopping. While we chatted, at some point, I realized I had forgotten my wallet and left to go get it. Once home, I did some other stuff before returning some 3 hours later to the furniture store - and saw that my friend was still there shopping! Either he had a nasty furniture fetish or he was a floor walking undercover security guard. On the down low I sidled up to him and asked if he had a gun in his pants or was he just happy to see me. I laughed, he told me he was mic'ed up, then wandered away looking for someone who might be shoplifting a chesterfield.
December 7, 2018
I'm skimming the news when I come across this headline:
Extraterrestrials might be hiding in plain sight!
Sensational! I was out and about with that headline swimming around in my brain when I passed this "shop". What!
If these weren't alien heads hiding in plain sight I don't know what are! Look at them! Look at their necks! Non human! Completely! Their eyes are all closed - telepathic communication and meditation? Probably! And see how they're all facing the same way, undoubtedly basking in the glow of their home planet! I figure the one with the bow is either the captain or the most flamboyant, maybe both. Perhaps the red lipstick is some kind of signalling device? Or maybe those luscious red lips would be the kiss of death to an Earthling - but so irresistible that that's how they take over! Ooh, it just gives me the creeps to see them all here, pretending to be inanimate, a long necked, red lipped, alien army just waiting to take us! Extraterrestrials might be hiding in plain sight!- well duh.
December 8, 2018
At 3:45AM, somewhere in the house, a timer starts buzzing. Then it shuts off. Then it starts again. I get up and stumble toward the noise. Turning on the kitchen light I find one of the cats with the timer on the floor just poking the start/stop button with its paw. The buzzer goes on and off and on and off. I take the timer away from her and study the alarm. It is set for 3:45AM, something no human in this house would ever do. I look down at her. How did she manage that? Clearly she wants me to give her the plaything back. I remove the battery and place the timer on the floor. She taps it once but nothing happens. She pokes it with her paw and it slides a few inches away. Then she hauls off and whacks it sending the timer into kitchen cabinet where it breaks apart. Jesus. I go back to bed.
December 10, 2018
Everything in the world is neutral until each person layers on his or her beliefs about what they're seeing. Example: I win the lottery, it's great; you win the lottery and your family tries to kill you for the money, not so great. But the lottery itself is a neutral event. If your beliefs contain  prejudices, then you will see with those particular blinders on. You will align what you see with your ideas of what's what, including your prejudices. But in reality, that is just you seeing and believing what you want to see and believe. Capish?


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