KeithSpeak- December 2018

 

 
 
 
December 2, 2018
19 of the G-20 countries sign the Paris Agreement on climate change with the lone holdout being the belligerent cotton candy headed American charlatan with ideas so backwards that he refuses to sit at the big boy table and instead isolates himself at the kiddie table and throws a hissy fit when people tell him he's ruining the planet.
 
charlatan
[shahr-luh-tn]
noun
A person who pretends or claims to have more knowledge or skill than he or she possesses; a quack.
 
December 4, 2018
Overheard two older gents at the bowling alley.
-- You like my pants?
-- What's not to like?
-- I got 'em in four different colours 'cause they fit so damn well. Heck, almost one for every day of the week.
-- Sure, if we had a four day week, which we don't. So really, you'll have to wear some of them twice in one week. Most of them really. All but one. You should have bought another pair, then the rotation would be much more reasonable. 
-- Problem is, they only came in four colours. I got all they had. Wait a sec while I pick up this spare.
-- Larry, I gotta say, watching you go through the bowling motions just there, those pants fit you like a glove.
-- I know! And the ladies seem to love 'em.
-- Where'd you get them? I might like to try a pair.
-- No, Henry! You can't get the same pants! Then they'll never know who was the original and who was the copycat.
-- Who's they?
-- You're not buyin' 'em. I'm not telling you where I got 'em and you're not buyin' 'em.
-- Ok, Larry, simmer down.
-- You know you don't have the body for these pants, Henry. You know you don't. They won't look as good on you as they do on me. And then one day, what, you and I wear the same colour on the same day and end up looking like a pair of dork twins or something? No, I won't have it.
-- Ok Larry, I get your point. Come on, let's bowl.
 
December 5, 2018
Just back from another failed engagement with the rest of the world, the baby buffoon bleeds all over his keyboard whining about how the end of his job is in sight, his secrets and lies are about to be exposed and none of the other world leaders like his little brain, boorish behavior and crude demeanor, but not to worry (he tells himself), you still have the very best small mind in the business.
The chorus will now sing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don the Con
Will be indicted soon
 
December 6, 2018
I went into a chain furniture store looking for a chair and ran into a buddy who was also shopping. While we chatted, at some point, I realized I had forgotten my wallet and left to go get it. Once home, I did some other stuff before returning some 3 hours later to the furniture store - and saw that my friend was still there shopping! Either he had a nasty furniture fetish or he was a floor walking undercover security guard. On the down low I sidled up to him and asked if he had a gun in his pants or was he just happy to see me. I laughed, he told me he was mic'ed up, then wandered away looking for someone who might be shoplifting a chesterfield.
 
December 7, 2018
I'm skimming the news when I come across this headline:
Extraterrestrials might be hiding in plain sight!
Sensational! I was out and about with that headline swimming around in my brain when I passed this "shop". What!
If these weren't alien heads hiding in plain sight I don't know what are! Look at them! Look at their necks! Non human! Completely! Their eyes are all closed - telepathic communication and meditation? Probably! And see how they're all facing the same way, undoubtedly basking in the glow of their home planet! Perhaps the red lipstick is some kind of signalling device? Or maybe those luscious red lips would be the kiss of death to an Earthling - but so irresistible that that's how they take over! Ooh, it just gives me the creeps to see them all here, pretending to be inanimate, a long necked, red lipped, alien army just waiting to take over! Extraterrestrials might be hiding in plain sight! - ya think?
 
December 8, 2018
At 3:45AM, somewhere in the house, a timer starts buzzing. Then it shuts off. Then it starts again. I get up and stumble toward the noise. Turning on the kitchen light I find one of the cats with the timer on the floor just poking the start/stop button with its paw. The buzzer goes on and off and on and off. I take the timer away from her and study the alarm. It is set for 3:45AM, something no human in this house would ever do. I look down at her. How did she manage that? Clearly she wants me to give her the plaything back. I remove the battery and place the timer on the floor. She taps it once but nothing happens. She pokes it with her paw and it slides a few inches away. Then she hauls off and whacks it sending the timer into kitchen cabinet where it breaks apart. Jesus. I go back to bed.
 
December 10, 2018
Everything in the world is neutral until each person layers on his or her beliefs about what they're seeing. Example: I win the lottery, it's great; you win the lottery and your family tries to kill you for the money, not so great. But the lottery itself is a neutral event. If your beliefs contain  prejudices, then you will see with those particular blinders on. You will align what you see with your ideas of what's what, including your prejudices. But in reality, that is just you seeing and believing what you want to see and believe. Capish?
 
December 12, 2018
You've lived all these years, managed to create the life you have and all of it without knowing what you're doing. Well just imagine if you did know that you consciously create your life and its experiences with the thoughts you have about it. On the one hand you get to make the life you desire (offense), on the other you don't (defense). Capish?
 
December 13, 2018
Just watched the lyin' shitbag Trump spew more lies and when called on his lies lied about the lies. First he claimed he never told his lies, then when showed a video of his lies, lied about lying on the video. The takeaway here is that Trump is a shitbag, lying or not.
 
December 14, 2018
Overheard two ladies at a coffee shop.
-- I hate my life.
-- Me too.
-- You hate my life?
-- No, I was saying me too as in I also hate my life.
-- Aren't we a pair.
 
December 17, 2018 
I was looking for a death ray machine when I came across this pre-owned one on eBay. Supposedly it had been used only once on a small town in Ecuador, but the current owner, Mr. Paul, shown here reenacting his Ecuadorean village hit, had no one else he wanted to wipe out so he put it up for sale. It looked like it would fit in my garage, and I definitely had a use for a reliable death ray, but the shipping was exorbitant. Typical eBay, no matter what you buy it's always the same: 20 bucks for the item and $19,000 for shipping. When I told Mr. Paul I couldn't afford it, he threatened to turn the death ray on me. Wow, really? With such a poor disposition, should someone like Mr. Paul even be allowed to have a death ray machine? Discuss.
 
December 18, 2018
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
CASSIE
Where you going? It's almost dinner time.
 
MARTHA
No more! I will not endure another meal in this house. Your fetish has pushed me over the edge.
 
CASSIE
(coyly)
My fetish? Why Martha, whatever do you mean?
 
MARTHA
Don't play coy with me.
 
CASSIE
Oh, so you don't like the fact that I want tater tots for dinner now and forever and no one is going to stop me! Tater tots! Tater tots! Tater-
 
MARTHA
I've had enough. I'm leaving. Oh, by the way, I threw out all the remaining packages in the freezer. Cold turkey anyone?
 
CASSIE
You bring me back some tater tots!
 
MARTHA
You're a fiend, Cassie. All you care about is your next fix, the next tot. I don't know who you are anymore. Your addiction is ripping this family apart. I can't watch you consume all that starch anymore. I'm outta here.
 
CASSIE
Tater tots, bitch!
 
MARTHA
Goodbye, Cassie. I hope you get the help you need.
 
CASSIE
I don't need help. I just need more tots!
 
Martha walks out the door, never to return. Cassie laughs manically until she starts to sweat and get withdrawal shakes.
 
December 19, 2018
He wanted to vacation at a clothing optional resort. She refused. He begged endlessly until she finally relented, stating flatly that she would not be taking off her swim suit. They flew to Mexico and by the fourth day, now into her regular routine of having her first drink at breakfast, shed her inhibitions and her suit. After two weeks of propositions and sexual innuendo, she returned home so full of confidence and self-assurance that she could do better than her current husband, that she left him to start playing the field. To remind himself of his folly, he got a tattoo that said, Be careful what you wish for.
 
December 21, 2018
Here's something to think about: you are alone, inside your body, inside your mind. This is your greatest weakness and your greatest strength. No one else knows your true desires and innate fears. This makes you your greatest resource and best asset, and at the same time, your worst enemy and gravest doubter. Basically, you can either adopt a persona of strength or one of weakness, and when you do, that is what the world will see of you. You are saying to all, including yourself, I am this.
 
December 23, 2018
The spirit of the season has completely bypassed the orange blob of White House pus as widdle baby Trump whines that he isn't getting his brainless way and shuts down the government basically because he's needy and butt hurt. 800,000 government employees are not being paid over the holidays. Yes America, your flaming schmuck wishes you all a merry Christmas.
 
December 25, 2018
Happy holidays all.
 
December 26, 2018
Saw a little dog wearing a Gucci sweater and a tam. A week later I saw the same little dog wearing a Dolce and Gabbana sweater. And finally today, I saw the same fellow wearing a Chanel sweater with a Chanel toque. All the sweaters were identical except for the designer logos done in needlepoint. Since I somewhat doubt that these name stays of haute couture have deigned to design dog wear (in needlepoint no less), I'm assuming the little critter's human is responsible for the fancifying of her baby boy. So it's probably fair to say that we'll never see this cutie slumming in anything so prosaic as an L.L.Bean doggie sweater as long as either are alive.
 
December 27, 2018
A friend told me her New Year's resolution was going to be a bold one. She said this is the year she is going to find a husband. Period. Then she asked me if I knew anybody looking to get married. Maybe a cousin or something. Maybe someone I once met. Yikes.
 
December 28, 2018
Has anyone given any real consideration to the notion that Trump is the Christian Antichrist, the Islamic Dajjal and the Jewish Armilus all rolled into one?
In other words, does noted racist and all around idiot goober Don the Con not exhibit the defining ethos of these infamous religious opponents of love, peace and understanding? 'Cause if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
 
December 29, 2018
Heard somebody say that an experience they had was beyond words, It was so intense that it was both indescribably beautiful and a horrifying terror filled 8 hour nightmare all at the same time. Well how do you even imagine that? Come on, tell me more! What? That's the point they were making? Beyond words? Oh. Nevermind.
 
December 31, 2018
It's 2019, bitches.
 

 
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