KeithSpeak - January 2019

 

 
 
 
January 1, 2019
I met the whole family. There was Karol and his wife Kasia, the two girls Kit and Kiki and the two boys, Konrad and Kenneth. When I told them my name was Keith they erupted in pure joy and acted like I was a long lost member of the Kowalczyk family. Of course we drank a lot of vodka celebrating that special K we all had in common. When I woke up it was 2019 and the Kowalczyks were gone. Was it all a dream?
 
January 2, 2019
But wait! I got a lovely card from the Kowalczyk family complete with a picture Kenneth took at midnight New Year's Eve. I'm sitting on the couch between Kit and Kiki while Konrad is pouring everyone more vodka shots. Karol is feeling no pain on the La-Z-Boy while Kasia has opened the front door shocked to find Keanu Reeves standing there! In the card Karol tells me how Keanu was welcomed in with open arms and given lots of vodka because Keanu started with a K and well, that's all anyone needs 'round here. Am I still dreaming?
 
January 3, 2019
But wait! Just this afternoon I received a Polish salute from someone I didn't even know!
 
January 4, 2019
Chico and Benny were on neighbourhood watch when they came across something that required their attention.
 
January 7, 2019
Intractable places (where do you go from here?): Have you ever laughed at something nobody else thought was funny? Have you ever done that at your in-laws when your mother-in-law admits to something awful but says it in a quavering voice that you find unexpectedly amusing and are completely unable to stifle a laugh even though you know everyone else is mortified at your behaviour? No? Nevermind.
 
January 8, 2019
You know what's skeezy about politics? Politicians.
 
January 9, 2019
At any moment you can choose to believe this or that, do as you please, act as you will, and in general, become your best or worst self literally at your own discretion. That power of self is just waiting for you to exercise it for better or for worse. Any idea what you've done with yours?
 
January 11, 2019
Until we got a dump of snow recently, the ground had been bare and looked like late fall rather than mid-winter. Our resident snowshoe hare had already morphed its summer brown coat to full on winter white months earlier which made the poor critter stand out like a sore thumb in the dirty brown landscape. Then it snowed a bunch and the all white bunny completely disappeared. Oh snap, take that Copperfield.
 
January 12, 2019
Let's be real, if Trump isn't a stain of galactic proportions, a goober with the dumbest ideas since Fred Flintstone, a 72 year old aging chump with the intellectual capacity of a 5 year old, and a narcissist with an ego the size of the largest tumor ever found, the rest of the world wouldn't be held hostage to his incompetent utterances and dumb as shit lies. Not only does the pseudo emperor have no clothes, he hasn't a brain. Donnie Scarecrow.
 
January 14, 2019
 
January 15, 2019
When a reader in another country heard that Maroon 5 was playing the Superbowl halftime show, they asked, "Who the bloody hell are they?" which I thought was kind of funny because the Superbowl is watched worldwide and for America to offer up Maroon 5 is like Trump pretending to be President. Both are wholly inadequate for the occasion.
 
January 16, 2019
After an exhaustive Internet search, I've come to the conclusion that there are too many people in this world who aren't like me at all. When they say the Internet is a wasteland, I believe this is the reason why.
 
January 17, 2019
At last, the truth. Dude has been rocking hearing aids for years. When he doesn't want to participate in the conversation, or is bored, or he just wants to get out of talking with someone, he announces that his hearing aid batteries have just died and he's so sorry but he can no longer carry on. Now I know hearing aid batteries are expensive and don't last all that long, but I have always suspected this is a ruse. Finally, I got my proof. We were at the pub when a mutual friend came over to chat. My hearing aid buddy doesn't much like this guy and sure enough, a minute in, he feigned battery death and that basically ended the chat. The guy leaves. I say, Are your batteries really dead? Of course not, he snorts. So you fake that, I confirm. Uh-huh. Look, he continues, it's a free get out of jail card. What, am I supposed to not use it? You're a dishonest, deceiving bastard who is wielding your disability like it's a superpower. For shame, I cracked. What? he says, I can't hear you. My batteries have died.
 
January 19, 2019
I seriously thought George Bush was the biggest moron to ever come down the political pike. Now I see he is neck and neck with his more than equal in stupidity, Don the Con. Together, these two losers are the ugly in ugly American.
 
January 21, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why do parents name their kids Horace, Gunnar or Otis?
Hello?
 
January 22, 2019
I'm leaving for a trip out of the country tonight. I will be back in about a week. I'll think of you day and night until my return. Will too. Ta.
 
January 28, 2019
Got in at 3AM after 22 hours returning home on 4 different planes. I've had enough. We'll speak after I sleep and regenerate, just like Doctor Who. Allons-y!
 
January 30, 2019
Uh, what the hell is going on down south of Canada? What's that you say? The President? Look, obviously, Trump is the biggest patsy ever, an extraordinary loser, a deluded old man, but why is he where he is, and why is that still a thing, and do they understand the rest of the world thinks the country has lost its mind tolerating his incompetence as he unfailingly demonstrates how massively unfit he is for the job? Blimey, can you spell train off the tracks?
 
January 31, 2019
Every morning, the cat tries to wake me up at 4:30. Then she tries again at about 5:05. It's a no go I tell her twice. She waits only 10 minutes more before she tries again. Mewing, jumping up on my pillow, tickling me with her whiskers - No way, kitty. A couple of more tries before 6 o'clock and it works. So I'm up at 6 in the morning, every morning, for no reason at all. And that's not the most annoying part. The cat doesn't want food, she doesn't want to play with her sister, no, she wants to go out on the screened-in porch to hunt because once, eons ago, she caught a mouse at 4:30 in the morning on the screened in porch and it is her life's mission to do it again, I guess, judging from her dedicated and almost intolerable actions. Sigh.
 

 
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