KeithSpeak - January 2019


January 1, 2019
I met the whole family. There was Karol and his wife Kasia, the two girls Kit and Kiki and the two boys, Konrad and Kenneth. When I told them my name was Keith they erupted in pure joy and acted like I was a long lost member of the Kowalczyk family. Of course we drank a lot of vodka celebrating that special K we all had in common. When I woke up it was 2019 and the Kowalczyks were gone. Was it all a dream?
January 2, 2019
But wait! I got a lovely card from the Kowalczyk family complete with a picture Kenneth took at midnight New Year's Eve. I'm sitting on the couch between Kit and Kiki while Konrad is pouring everyone more vodka shots. Karol is feeling no pain on the La-Z-Boy while Kasia has opened the front door shocked to find Keanu Reeves standing there! In the card Karol tells me how Keanu was welcomed in with open arms and given lots of vodka because Keanu started with a K and well, that's all anyone needs. Am I still dreaming?
January 3, 2019
But wait! Just this afternoon I received a Polish salute from someone I didn't even know. A friend of the Kowalczyks perhaps?
January 4, 2019
Chico and Benny were on neighbourhood watch when they came across something that required their attention.
January 7, 2019
Intractable places (where do you go from here?): Have you ever laughed at something nobody else thought was funny? Have you ever done that at your in-laws when your mother-in-law admits to something awful but says it in a quavering voice that you find unexpectedly amusing and are completely unable to stifle a laugh even though you know everyone else is mortified at your behaviour? No? Nevermind.
January 8, 2019
You know what's skeezy about politics? Politicians.
January 9, 2019
At any moment you can choose to believe this or that, do as you please, act as you will, and in general, become your best or worst self literally at your own discretion. That power of self is just waiting for you to exercise it for better or for worse. Any idea what you've done with yours?
January 11, 2019
Until we got a dump of snow recently, the ground had been bare and looked like late fall rather than mid-winter. Our resident snowshoe hare had already morphed its summer brown coat to full on winter white months earlier which made the poor critter stand out like a sore thumb in the dirty brown landscape. Then it snowed a bunch and the all white bunny completely disappeared. Oh snap, take that Copperfield.
January 12, 2019
Let's be real, if Trump isn't a stain of galactic proportions, a goober with the dumbest ideas since Fred Flintstone, a 72 year old aging chump with the intellectual capacity of a 5 year old, and a narcissist with an ego the size of the largest tumor ever found, the rest of the world wouldn't be held hostage to his incompetent utterances and dumb as shit lies. Not only does the pseudo emperor have no clothes, he hasn't a brain. Donnie Scarecrow.
January 14, 2019
January 15, 2019
When a reader in another country heard that Maroon 5 was playing the Superbowl halftime show said, "Maroon what? Who the bloody hell are they?" which I thought was kind of funny because the Superbowl is watched worldwide and for America to offer up Maroon 5 is like Trump pretending to be President. Both are wholly inadequate for the occasion.


Keith Ryan Publishing


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