KeithSpeak- February 2019

 

 
 
 
February 1, 2019
When I see a homeless person with a dog, I will always stop and offer money or food. My concern is for the welfare of the animal. That is the only reason I am there.
 
February 2, 2019
It's 2019. We're getting tantalizingly close to round numbers and I for one will be happy when I just have to add 20 to whatever it is I'm figuring out from the past. Say something happened in 1984 and you wanted to see how many years ago that was until say, 2019. I can tell you that for moi, algebra was necessary. Just a little, but still. But wait until next year! My math will be the best it's ever been! Just add 20! Oh boy!
 
February 4, 2019
Delilah hated her name as Delilah from the Bible was a bad girl who betrayed Samson and she would never do anything like that to Samson. But when she broached the subject of changing her name her Bible loving parents went nuts, threw the 10 year old out of the house and made another baby real quick so they could name it either Ruth or Mordecai. Religious tolerance, an oxymoron?
 
February 6, 2019
I have a friend who is a Trump supporter. I hate to ruin a long standing friendship over a piece of shit like Don the Con, but unfortunately, loving a miscreant like Trump says way more about my friend than it does the fake prez, and frankly, that's what's most disturbing about it.
 
February 7, 2019
Drunk architect?
Drunk contractor?
Scrap pieces of unstable steel bought cheap?
Blacked out windows?
An earthquake?
The sun got too hot and it started to melt?
Somebody crinkled up the blueprints and the builder built it that way?
An exercise program gone wrong?
A new way to foil pigeons from perching?
Someone with too much money?
A flat Earther who fears 90 degree angles?
A bad construction job passed off as art?
Bad art passed off as innovative construction?
UFOs with a huge magnet?
A Salvador Dali wannabe?
Someone lost a bet?
 
February 9, 2019
If life isn't the greatest thing ever, what is? The fact that so many people beat themselves up, berate their choices and decisions, doubt their direction and worry about every little thing makes me wonder, why? Why make your life miserable? You can just as well make it a wonderful and joyous experience. Because both are the results of the thoughts you have about it (life in general, your life specifically, the lives of others, the world).  Capish?
 
February 11, 2019
Overheard two couples fighting in a coffee shop.
-- I think you're exaggerating it a bit, Sara.
-- Oh do you, Margo? Do you really, Miss hot hands in my husband's pants?
-- Now Sara, there's no need to be nasty.
-- Screw you, Henry.
-- You guys are quite the pair.
-- Shut up, Steven.
-- Don't talk to him that way.
-- Admit that what you did was wrong and you're sorry and maybe we can move beyond this.
-- I think-
-- Shut up, Steven!
-- Well, Margo? Are you going to apologize?
-- I still think you're blowing it out of proportion.
-- You fondle my husband and I'M blowing it out of proportion?!
-- Please keep your voice down, Sara. Everyone is looking.
-- Bugger off, Henry. You're in enough trouble as is.
-- God, it was just one dance.
-- Yeah, Henry, one dance with her hand down your pants and her playing with you right in front of me.
-- I was drunk. There. Sorry.
-- That's no excuse. Margo, how would you like it if I did that to Steven?
-- Now just a min-
-- Shut up, Steven, this isn't about you.
-- Look, Sara, I promise I will never touch Henry in that way again. There, you satisfied?
-- No, I've decided that I want to feel Steven's package for myself. It's the only way we'll ever be even.
-- Yeah, right.
-- Come here, Steven.
-- Don't you dare get up.
-- Margo, I think-
-- Shut up, Steven.
-- If he doesn't get over here and present himself-
-- Ok, Sara, this has gone far enough. I'm putting my foot down-
-- Suck it, Henry. Steven, get over here and stand in front of me. 
No one moves. 
-- Now!
Submissively, Steven gets up and walks over to her. She deliberately, slowly, feels him up. Everyone watches. It's dead quiet. When she is done, Steven, obviously aroused, sits back down. Sara and Henry get up and leave without saying a word. A few moments later, Margo and Steven get up to leave. As they are walking out the door,
-- That was hot.
-- Wasn't it?
 
February 13, 2019
Julie was giving a speech on risk assessment and to illustrate her point, she set up a stunt with her colleague, Mario.
 
Minutes into her speech, Mario burst into the room and announced that the building was on fire but it appeared to be contained to the lower floors so it was up to them as to whether they felt the need to evacuate because they would have to climb down 17 flights of stairs.
 
Julie exclaimed, "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about! This is a perfect example of risk assessment! Now, who here-" but she was drowned out by all the people scrambling to get out of the room, trampling Mario in the process and causing a 5 alarm panic as they went screaming through the hallways telling everyone the building was on fire. The rumour spread like, er, wildfire, and soon the entire 20 story office building was empty with thousands of people on the street waiting for a fire department to come to a fire that never was.
 
In the end, ironically, Mario and Julie were fired for not properly assessing the very risk they had created, and in addition, Mario, who was in the hospital with all kinds of broken bits from being trampled and then later assaulted again by the very people he had lied to, was charged with inciting a riot and falsely reporting a fire. Both felonies. He died in a prison riot over tater tots cursing the name of Julie. Julie herself never again worked and instead made a bunch of bad decisions resulting in a marriage to an alcoholic who impregnated her mother with what would be Julie's brother/step son, Brian.
 
Does this in any way damage the field of risk assessment?
 
February 14, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It's Valentine's Day
Can you hear the shareholders of Hallmark, Russell Stover, and Flowers By Fimmy whooping it up, rejoicing their little pants off, partying like it's 1984?
 
February 16, 2019
Eileen
by
Lenny C.
 
Her name was Eileen
She was only fourteen
Too young to marry
But old enough to sing
She warbled about Corky (her dog and muse)
Won a talent show she couldn't lose
Bought a condo in Cabo
Where she and the dog moved
But the Mexican government grew alarmed
When they found out about her
So gifted and charmed
Living in Cabo, ugh, gritty and tacky
They offered Eileen
Lodging in Mexico City
She moved and she sang
All over town
A little girl and her dog
Gaining Latin renown
Her Spanish was spare
But no one cared
Her pipes were so glorious
Her talent so rare
She expanded her repertoire and sang about tacos
She dated dudes named Trini and Paco
The locals were thrilled
The government ecstatic
So she went to the border and sang for the migrants
They loved her and said she was hard to resist
Then Trump declared her a terrorist 
Arrested by ICE and tortured for fun
She was never the same when they were done.
Her voice grew silent
She withdrew into herself
Her name was Eileen
She was only fourteen
 
February 17, 2019
A realtor in another Province was trying to interest me in a house he had for sale. I asked him for the address so I could look at it in Street View on Google Earth. There was a long pause. He said, How can you see a house 3,000 kilometers away if I haven't yet posted the pictures of the listing? I said, Are you kidding me? You're a realtor and you don't know how to use Google Earth? There was another long pause. Eventually, I got the address, looked at the place, wasn't all that impressed and informed him of my lack of interest, all during our phone conversation. Instead of thanking me for learning something new, he spits, So what, did that Google thing tell you not to buy it too? Wow.
 
February 18, 2019
Politics today are like a 1974 Buick limping into the year 2019 being driven by a clown without a license. Sure, the car still runs and can fit an almost unlimited number of clowns, but it drinks gas like it costs 10 cents a gallon, the power windows no longer work, the air conditioning has died, the clown filth has piled up and well, look at it/them - tired, outdated, decrepit, clearly in need of an overhaul. Or the junkyard.
 
February 19, 2019
They were welders from the future. They said that the future exists because they, and others like them, welded it back together. This was necessary because Trump made everything so divisive and polarized and stupid that without welders, the world would have fallen apart, there would have been no future. When asked about the Trump brand in the future, both welders laughed and laughed and laughed.
 
February 21, 2019
It started to rain. The soldiers shuffled nervously. The rain got heavier. There was grumbling within the troops. Unhappiness started to spread. The one in charge yelled, Attack!, but no one moved. With a crack of thunder, both sides deserted and went off to get Slurpees at the 7-11 across the street. The commander turned to his protégé and fellow plumber and said, "These reenacters are the worst! Ooh, a little rain. I'm getting wet. Help me, I'm melting. Damnit, did they melt in the Civil War? There's no dedication anymore! No one wants to fake kill anyone anymore! It's a sad day, corporal."
"Yes, sir! Can I bring you back a Slurpee, sir?"
"Ah, sure. Wild cherry, soldier. And can you get the umbrella out of my car?"
 
February 22, 2019
Wrong number call by a guy looking to book a tour to Machu Picchu. Next day, another wrong call to book a trip to Lima. My spidey senses tingled, a trend! I pinky swore to myself that the next time it happened I would get to the bottom of these mysterious Peruvian booking calls. But no one ever called again. Drat. This makes the first calls even more mysterious. Does this stuff only happen to me?
 
February 24, 2019
Overheard two teens plotting at the grocery.
-- I spotted 4 cameras.
-- Me too. They appear to be facing forward, so I think if we pick the back of aisle 6, they can't see us.
-- What's in aisle 6?
-- Condiments and chips.
-- That'll do.
-- You do a fake pick in aisle 2 so the security guys focus on you. Just don't actually take anything in case they stop you. I'll shoplift the Doritos and dips and meet you in the parking lot.
-- Sounds like a plan.
 
February 25, 2019
I was sure something would work. I had an innate feeling that it would work. So what is that? What is that feeling?
 
February 27, 2019
Religion today with their undeniable predilection for pedophilia and misogyny makes about as much sense as pineapple on pizza. It just doesn't.
 
February 28, 2019
An old friend got in touch. He used to be a regular guy with a regular job and a regular family. But then he went to Vegas, hit a progressive slot for 6 million dollars and immediately shed his regular life, including the family. Now it was all about him buying this and purchasing that and his new girlfriend, Tawny, and her acting ambitions and what I used to like about him was plainly gone. Unfortunately, the new rich dude in his place was icky and uninteresting. Tawny, however, was another matter...
 

 
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