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KeithSpeak- November 2016


November 1, 2016
Curiously, I saw something pushing on the dog door flap from the outside. I bent down, opened it and saw this.
Yikes. Fortunately, 400 pounds of bear did not fit through the dog door. First day of November and there are bears at the door. Textbook definition of bad juju.
November 2, 2016
People I know by continent.
North America - no idea really but let's just say 100.
South America - 1
Africa - 1
Europe - 1
Antarctica - 0
Australia - 0
Asia - 3
Basically it means I know 106 people in a world of 7.4 billion. Is that good? Yes?
November 3, 2016
-- Oh Cecil, the drums are beating louder. Do you hear them?
-- I do, Nell.
-- Are you scared, Cecil?
-- Not really.
-- What? Why not?
-- Because they're coming for you, Nell.
-- Oh Cecil, why would you say such a thing!
-- Because it's true, my darling. They always want the pretty girl.  
-- How, how do you know this, Cecil?
-- You think you're the first girl I've brought out here? Ha ha ha ha ha.
-- You rat!
-- I want that rent controlled apartment of yours in Manhattan, Nell!
-- Never! Hand me my purse.
-- What is that? A Taser?
-- I always carry a Taser, I'm a New York City girl. Say Cecil, did you know that Tasers can stop your heart, if applied vigorously enough, for a long period of time, with repeated, continual shocking, until your little, cold heart says no more?
-- How did you get that past TSA?
-- That's all theater, Cecil. Now it's time to bring the curtain down.
-- Don't do it, Nell. Don't Tase me, bro!
-- I'm not your bro, Cecil. I'm just a girl standing tall for the good intentioned spirit behind rent controlled apartments in New York City. 
November 4, 2016
Her name is Lydia.
She really hasn't done anything yet.
Not much more is known about her.
November 5, 2016
When they first discovered the body somebody shouted out that it was Jeannie Kingstetter but then someone else said that couldn't be because Jeannie was at a mushroom festival in a cow field and had just texted her ten minutes ago saying she was out of her mind and losing control of her bodily functions "but in a good way" so there is no way that is Jeanie Kingstetter, but you know, the more she looked at the body on the ground the more it started to look like Darryl Ouscher, so she said so, and everyone laughed awkwardly because now no one really knew which gender the body was since they were all products of religious right wing idiot politicians who cut funding for sex ed in schools when they were prepubescents, so the whole group tittered nervously and waited for the police to arrive and tell them if it was a Darryl or a Jeannie. 
November 6, 2016
We have lived here for decades and over the years have had a few neat one-off wildlife sightings on our property. Only once have I seen a white ermine, a gorgeous snowy owl who took up residence in our field for one winter, a domestic dog running with a pack of coyotes, a red fox, and now a beautiful brown rabbit that has been hanging around our house and barn all summer. I have seen moose tracks in our woods, but not the actual moose making them. Oh, I did see a bald eagle land on our barn roof and eat a live salmon it had plucked from the lake, which of course was both gruesome and magnificent at the same time. And we have our regular sightings of deer, coyotes, bears, ospreys, hawks, owls, eagles, geese and myriad songbirds. Our 37.5 acres is a haven for the feral. Sweet.
November 7, 2016
Imagine you lived in a world where everyone was at the same level of personal development. For me, that world would have none of the morons, bigots, abusers, imbeciles, and fools prevalent in this reality. There would be no disasters like George Bush and clowns of his ilk. There would be no useless wars, no ignorant masses, and lies and deceit would not be the currency of the land; a parallel earth without the douchebags.
November 8, 2016
The number 8 is lucky for the Chinese, and the number 1 is what all Americans strive to be, and Toronto is now known as the 6, so what is the nationwide Canadian number? I say we're a 12. Look, we're that much better than anything on the 0 to 10 scale, hell, we're off the scale, right? Any objections? No? Then 12 it is.
November 10, 2016
My wife and I immigrated to Canada from the States many years ago, so if I may offer a tidbit of advice to those wanting to move north after the election: It's easy to want to run away from something, but if you think you're losing something rather than gaining something, then honestly, you best stay home. In others words, if you are an American who wants to leave the country to immigrate to Canada, you are coming here to be a Canadian, not an ex-pat American who still thinks they're in America, only a little bit further north. Capish?
November 11, 2016
Overheard at the mall.
-- Do these socks clash with my sweater?
-- I don't know, I'm colourblind.
-- I didn't know that! What colour is my sweater?
-- Purple and gray.
-- That's right! You're cured!
-- Really?
-- No, it's green and black.
-- But those socks are two shades of gray.
-- No, they're red and yellow, which was why I was asking if they would clash with the green and black.
-- Even though I don't see those colours, yes, they would clash.
-- That's all I was asking.
-- That's all I'm sayin'.
November 12, 2016
What if you could perceive other dimensions and realities. What if, like a left swipe on a bad Tinder pic, the veil of this reality could be swept aside and behind it was another dimension, another reality. One second you're in your living room, the next you're in something completely...indescribable. Would that be cool or terrifying? Would you be excited to explore or afraid to move? Would you desperately try to get your old reality back or would you realize that this is a golden opportunity to experience the unknown and expand your consciousness? And finally, what would those choices say about you?
November 13, 2016
Lewis was as white as they come. Maurice was as black as they come. Jin Sue was as yellow as they come and Carlos was as brown as they come. Chris was as red as they come, sickly June was as grey as they come, and over tanned Don was as orange as they come. Which of these colors is artificial, fake, and not even a real human being?
November 15, 2016
She was quirky, uncoordinated, and barely balanced. Even standing still she looked like she was going to fall over. She had her dog with her. Her dog's name was Sparky. Sparky did nothing but stare at her feet. If they moved, Sparky moved. I asked her about this and she said it was because of her unorthodox, erratic locomotion. It seems that she has accidentally kicked, stepped on and brushed Sparky aside to the point where he now just watches her feet and reacts accordingly. "He hasn't looked at my face since 2012."
November 16, 2016
A few things that aren't necessarily cool but still kinda fun.
- A square dance.
- Crying over spilt milk and having to eat the shredded wheat dry.
- Bowling with drunk mates.
- Having a choice of over twenty different donut varieties and picking glazed.
- Badly carving Halloween pumpkins that don't scare anyone and instead beg the question, But what's it supposed to be?
- Dating someone above or below your status.
- Promising things that you know you'll never deliver on.
- Using a fake accent when you meet someone for the first time. Then not using that accent when you meet them the second time.
- Using the last of your money to go gambling.
November 17, 2016
It's very brave of you to live a life. You should be proud of this undertaking.
November 18, 2016
Things were on fire! It was lunchtime and the super popular food truck was humming with a line of people at the window, the grill sizzling inside and workers scurrying everywhere. But the smoke in the air wasn't coming from the grill, it was coming from the truck engine under the hood. The guys inside the food truck couldn't see the smoke, and even though the line of people waiting at the window could, they all wanted their food so no one was willing to call a halt to the proceedings by telling the guys in the truck that it was on fire. Criminal or just plain selfish?
November 20, 2016
My sentiments exactly.
November 21, 2016
It seems like the world is getting dumber at the same time that we have more information than ever before available at our fingertips. Shouldn't everyone be getting smarter? And as a people, we seem more fractious than ever. Why is the greatest communication tool yet invented, la interwebs, not uniting us? I asked a 'web expert' these very same questions. His answer? "People are in it for themselves."
November 22, 2016
The audience's attention started to wane. The stand-up comedian's jokes were funny enough, it's just that he had no stage presence. He wasn't mimicking the deadpan style of Steven Wright, he was just a colorless, invisible man. He never moved, never paused, and he spoke in a monotone that never varied in pitch or emphasis, so you never quite knew if the joke was over or not, exacerbated by the fact that he had clever segues into the next bit so that made it doubly hard to try and tell when one was over and the next had started. He should have been a writer of jokes for other comedians to tell, instead, he got badly heckled, handled it poorly, incurred the wrath of the audience, provoked confrontation and was chased from the stage by angry, inebriated men. When they say comedy is hard, this is what they mean.
November 23, 2016
What is your favorite album?
Astral Weeks by Van Morrison.
Why not something else?
Because something else isn't my favorite album.
You don't have to be so snippy.
I didn't think I was.
Well what?
Are you going to apologize?
For what?
For being snippy.
Really! What if I said the interview was over?
Is it?
Is it what?
Is it over?
Were you never breast fed as a child? Is that what this is all about?
What what?
This interview's over.
Oh it is, is it?
Yes, it is.
Ok then.
Ok then.
November 24, 2016
A buddy and his girlfriend took his motorcycle on a logging road up to the top of a high peak where they had a lovely picnic and a nap, after which they awoke to a couple of inches of snow on the ground. The road up was dirt and full of switchbacks now completely covered in snow so he knew they couldn't ride the bike down without killing themselves. He wasn't even sure he could walk the heavy motorcycle down without it slipping off the road and plunging over the mountainside. As well, because they were just going for a picnic, they were wearing light clothes and completely unprepared for cold and snow. It was a grueling, wet, freezing, miserable 4 hour slog down the mountain. My buddy saved his motorcycle but not the relationship. His girlfriend left him the day after she was diagnosed with pneumonia.
"They asked Abraham Lincoln how he felt once after an unsuccessful election. He said he felt like a little boy who had stubbed his toe in the dark. He said that he was too old to cry, but it hurt too much to laugh."  -- Adlai Stevenson 
November 26, 2016
Imagine the world without animals, reptiles, insects or fish, just us, billions of people alone on the planet. Now imagine another Earth where all the animals, reptiles, insects and fish get to live without any humans. Ok, which planet do you think is a Shangri-La and which is a cesspool?
November 28, 2016
A teenager is in the paint department with his mom. She looks over the sample colour strips, picks out several shades she likes and passes them to her son. He makes faces at all of them. She solicits ideas from the salesman but the neutral colours he suggests make the teen fake gag like he's throwing up. Mom starts looking at the walls of the store itself mentioning that they're painted in a beautiful off white, and how good that would look in his bedroom, but the boy says, Seriously, mom? Eventually she asks the loaded question she has been dreading: What colour would make you happy. Black. Mom sighs.
November 29, 2016
Our team just got done playing rec hockey and are in the dressing room drinking beer and changing into street clothes. Rolf, our 6'4, 235 pound defenceman is removing his hockey pants when everyone stops and stares. The midriff section of his huge and hairy body is cloaked in a frilly pair of women's silk underwear. The comments and catcalls start immediately. Rolf explains how he lost a bet to his wife and that we shouldn't worry about him because he was going to be having great sex with her tonight and we're all just a bunch of losers. Still, Rolf acquires a wonderful new nickname. The comments and catcalls continue unabated. This is the gritty side of sport that you never get to see on ESPN.
November 30, 2016
It poured all night long. It was one degree above freezing and still raining hard this morning when I went into my office, looked out the window and saw the sad, bedraggled face of a sopping wet, miserable looking young deer staring back. While I slept in a warm, comfortable bed under a tight, dry roof, she was outside getting pummeled with cold, hard rain for 12 hours straight. Damn.

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