KeithSpeak- December 2016

 

 
 
 
December 1, 2016
Eight years ago, a friend went to a psychic and was told she would be divorced in eight years time. Now, eight years past that prediction, is she divorced? Truth is, I don't know. I lost touch with her years ago. So why mention it now? It's December. Got me thinking about things. That was one of them.
 
December 2, 2016
Overheard at a cafe.
-- You still seeing Jim?
-- Yeah, kinda.
-- What do you mean?
-- I date Jim, but I also see other guys on the side that he doesn't know about. Jim is fun and all but he is terrible in bed. I need more than Jim is giving me.
-- How many other guys?
-- A couple. Three.
-- I didn't know you were so slutty.
-- It's my school teacher exterior. People think I'm a good girl because I teach children. But I'm not a good girl.
-- You're bad.
-- I'm a bad girl.
-- You're a bad girl.
-- I am.
-- You are.
-- Bad. Real bad. Slutty bad.
-- Are you getting turned on?
-- Oh yes.
-- Poor Jim.
 
December 3, 2016
Out of the blue I got a call from a local friend I hadn't seen in a while. He had to go and estimate some jobs out on a distant part of our large and glorious lake and he wanted to know if I wanted to ride along so we could catch up. I did. We did. It was a great way to spend the day. I got back home and on the answering machine was a message from another old friend I hadn't seen in ages who was passing through town, but I wasn't home, so he moved on. Two old friends, same day. Don't I feel like Miss America!
 
December 4, 2016
Without the wiener dog, this would just be a silly picture of a show off.
With the wiener dog, it may be the greatest muscle beach picture ever taken.
 
December 6, 2016
He was told he would never amount to anything. So he never tried. Instead, he lived a life of travel, adventure and mischief, experiencing everything under the sun except conventional success. As he lay on his deathbed, he was asked if he missed out on anything. "I saw it all. I did it all. Those who think success is in a corporate cubicle or a fat bank account have no idea what success is." Then he died. Words to live, er, die by?
 
December 7, 2016
She glimmered in the sunlight. Had she not been wearing tin foil, that would have been impossible. Her name was Lola and she was the doyen behind the short lived tin foil clothing craze back in the day when tin foil was harder to come by and clothing made out of it was a sensation. When Lola was asked what her greatest disappointment was with the movement she had started, she grew angry and hissed how the UFO crowd stole her tin foil hat and made it their own. "No royalties! I don't get a dime from those UFO bastards!" Lola was so angry she called a halt to the interview and crinkled off.
 
December 8, 2016
If someone asked me if I was a good writer.
  • A faux modest me might demur quietly as if I couldn't possibly think such a thing of myself - I mean that's not up to me to decide, now is it?
  • If I were feeling cocky, I would say that I wasn't just good, I was great, and screw all those who don't believe that's so.
  • If I were in a challenging mood, I would ask them to define their meaning of a good writer, and when they stumble, castigate them for calling me out, stopping just short of belittling them for their question.
  • But if it was just regular me, I would say that the answer is in the words I write and the way I write them. Gosh, are there any other criteria?
December 9, 2016
You don't have to grab life by the horns. You don't have to wrestle life into submission. You don't even have to understand life to live it. But oh if you did. Your life would cease to be a source of wonder and surprise and instead would be a ginormous cornucopia of possibilities to be realized. Would too.
 
December 10, 2016
She was maybe 4'2" and he was at least 6'6". They both hit the patch of black ice at the same time. She let out a little umpfh and quickly landed on her butt being so close to the ground and all, but he looked like a cartoon character, ass up, feet in the air and landing on his back with a thud. She was laughing, he started crying, eventually the crowd applauded as he was stretchered into the ambulance.
 
December 12, 2016
If there are aliens living among us, and believe me, I have seen a space baby or two in my time so I'm pretty damn sure they're here already, why are we humans so afraid of that? Why are we upset over the thought of alien-human hybrids? I'm talking about homo sapiens in general. The species. Why should we care a fig if we mutate into something else?
 
December 13, 2016
Overheard two girls at the hockey game.
-- He's cute.
-- Which one?
-- Number 22.
-- How can you tell, he's wearing a helmet and face shield.
-- You can see his eyes.
-- What about that scar?
-- What scar?
-- The big scar he has on his cheek.
-- I didn't see that before.
-- Oh my god, he has no front teeth!
-- I didn't notice that either.
-- That guy's a hot mess. Are you kidding me?
-- Well, what do you think of number 43?
-- For them or us?
-- Them.
-- Ooh, I'd right swipe on that.
-- Me too.
-- Isn't hockey fun?
 
December 14, 2016
I had a question. I got in touch with the right person to answer it. But he didn't know the answer. He asked someone else who also didn't know. They put the question out on an internal BBS and none of them knew the answer either. Of course, I felt pretty damn smart, baffling them all, exhibiting genius as I was. Heck, I never did get the answer, but stumping everyone else was enough for me - easily amused, cheap thrills, call it what you will.
 
December 15, 2016
It is currently -14, windy and miserable outside. I look out my office window at freezing songbirds and wonder if I would have the mettle to stay out in the cold like these little amazing creatures that really have no choice but to live or die in it.
 
December 16, 2016
There was a writing job I was perfect for so I applied. The guy calls me and we chat by phone and he asks me about social media. I tell him I'm not on social media. He is shocked. I ask him how that is a hindrance to my doing the job. I tell him that good writing is good writing regardless of where it is posted. He can't get over the fact that I'm not like the rest of the world. He tells me that if I would join Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and Linkedin I would likely get the job. My final words were Nuh-uh.
 
December 19, 2016
It's been snowing for two days. After you pass our driveway, the road drops away to a 30% grade and ends abruptly at a stop sign. If you slide through the stop sign, you go over a 40 foot embankment. This morning, I saw a car do exactly that. Only a large Douglas fir stopped the car from hitting a house below. The people were all right, their car was not. I can only imagine how much the fir tree hurt.
 
December 21, 2016
If you're going to lay blame on outside forces for your failures, then you have to do the same for your successes. It's either or. Either you are responsible for all that you do in your life or you are responsible for none of it. On which side do you fall?
 
December 22, 2016
I talked to a guy who has taken over 38,000 pictures with his smartphone. He says he has 26 SD cards full of photos and more than 3,000 on the phone itself. He says he takes an average of 40-50 shots a day. I said, Of what? He said, Everything. Cripes. Is there such a thing as a picture hoarder?
 
December 25, 2016
A smaller deer was in our yard this morning when I got up. Her tracks in the snow showed she had tried to jump over the fence multiple times but couldn't clear the 5 foot height to get out. I could see a big doe, undoubtedly her mother, down by our barn waiting and watching. I walked out the front door and down to the gate, where I opened it and encouraged her to leave the easy way. Hesitantly, the little deer approached the opening, walked right by me and out to the driveway where she literally kicked her heels up and ran off to join her mother. Their reunion - best Christmas present ever.
 
December 28, 2016
It's the end of the year. If this was a bad one, don't fret, you get to start anew in a few days. If it was a good one, just remember that turning a calendar page and saying everything is new again is just an artifice invented by a bunch of Gregorian monks with nothing better to do in the middle of winter. You, my friend, get to elect which convention has more meaning for you.
 
December 31, 2016
Went to a hockey game with a friend last night. I am fascinated by his job so I talked to him about his work through all 3 periods. I was highly engaged; he probably just wanted to watch the game.
 

 
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