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KeithSpeak - May 2020

 

 
 
 
May 1, 2020
Overheard two millennials queuing at the post office.
-- I hate standing so far away from you!
-- God, Marla, it's only six feet.
-- I hate this social distancing. We live together, why can't we stand together?
-- I don't know.
-- You're so timid, Barry!
-- Why am I the bad guy?
-- You should be standing up for me and my rights.
-- Rights, what are you talking about?
-- I'm talking about the fact that I as a woman have to stand six feet behind you. Can you see how demeaning that is, Barry? And what's worse, I suspect you like it!
-- What? Ok, next time you stand in front and I'll be behind. There, problem solved.
-- Oh, isn't that a convenient way for you to get out of not sticking up for me.
-- I don't know why you're so upset, Marla. It's the same thing for everybody.
-- I'm not just anybody, Barry! You don't cherish me! I want to be cherished. This distance between us is showing me our relationship and it's not a good thing to see, Barry.
-- We're standing in line at the post office, Marla! What's that got to do with us as a couple?
-- Just the very fact that you have to turn around to say this to me is what's wrong, Barry! Why can't I be with you?!
-- Don't you think you're blowing this out of proportion?
-- Do you even love me?
-- What?!
-- This distance between us makes me wonder. Your excuses for not sticking up for me makes me wonder. So is this how it's to be, Barry? Are we to shuffle though life with me six feet behind you?
-- God.
 
It seems we have two more casualties of the pandemic.
 
May 3, 2020
Her allowance was 5 dollars a week. Her brother got 8 dollars a week. When she confronted her parents about the gender pay discrepancy, her father accused her of being a budding feminist. She didn't know what that meant, but her mother did, found it offensive and started giving the daughter an extra 3 dollars a week on the sly. Was this an act of kindness or retribution?
 
May 4, 2020
Is America proud of Douchebag Donnie? Do they know the rest of the world is laughing at him, his preposterous bullshit, his childish tantrums, his inability to take any responsibility for alleviating a pandemic ravishing his country? They proud of that?
 
May 5, 2020
Why do so many question their own intuition? For instance, if something doesn't feel right, heed it as the warning it is, but don't dwell on it. There is no need to second guess the feeling, analyze the feeling, obsess over the feeling. If something doesn't feel right, accept that, and being mindful of what may come, move on. Use your intuition, don't make it "prove" itself to your rational mind.
 
May 8, 2020
I ordered something, it came, I used it, it malfunctioned.  I got a replacement, used it, it too malfunctioned. Now at this point, do I get my money back and write off the product and the brand, or do I just get it replaced once again and see if that one works? In my head, all I hear is Dirty Harry saying, Do you feel lucky, punk?
 
May 9, 2020
Ever since he hit 80, Frank's been super into manspreading. Charlotte's displeasure at this has never been concealed.
 
May 10, 2020
So everybody is doing their thing at home. Some are expanding their horizons while others are just sleeping in and eating Doritos. My quarantine has been less than prosaic for I've discovered that our house is blanketed in a coat of asbestos. That's right, the blown-in insulation in our attic keeping our house warm might also kill us. So while some people are baking bread, drinking heavily and playing Scrabble with the dog, we're abating our house of carcinogens. It seems that just like opinions, everybody's got a different quarantine.
 
May 17, 2020
I had no plans to miss an entire week of computing, but that is what happened. Was it related to the aforementioned asbestos issues? Yes, yes it was. Is it over? No, no it's not. Unfortunately, my being here or not will continue into late next week. Sigh.
 
May 18, 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Think for yourself
Why wouldn't you?
 
May 20, 2020
Her brother the priest told her to save herself for marriage. She laughed and told him she had been having sex since she was 15. He told her it was a sin. She laughed again. He quoted the Bible, spewed out dogma, and she laughed at all of it. When he asked her why, she simply sighed, So much male fantasy.
 
May 21, 2020
Overheard 3 kids.
-- How old are you?
-- Seven.
-- You're just a baby!
-- Why, how old are you?
-- I'm seven and a half.
-- Me too.   
-- No one asked you, Julien.
-- Yeah, shut up, Julien.
-- You shut up.
-- You shut up.
-- When's your birthday?
-- May 4th.
-- You just turned seven!
-- You're still practically six! I'm way older than you!   
-- Well I'm seven now so shut up, Julien.
-- You shut up.
-- Leave him alone, Julien.
-- You shut up too.
-- I don't have to and you can't make me.
-- What a baby.
-- You're the baby.
-- Am not. He's the baby.
-- Yeah, he's the baby.
-- Both of you shut up.
 
May 24, 2020
Alonzo suspected that there was an airtight safe chock full of money submerged in the deep end of Alice Morningstar's pool. At midnight he quietly slipped into the water and rooted around the bottom looking for the loot. He came across a wilted pool noodle and a sandal but no safe. Alonzo wondered how he could have been so wrong. Ironically, Alice HAD previously kept an airtight safe chock full of money submerged in the deep end of her pool, but recently had it removed.
 
May 25, 2020
Don't make everything someone else's fault. If you're involved, you're involved. Don't just look for someone else to blame your misfortunes upon, look to yourself. Why are you in this, what's your part? You need to get something out of the experience. It's not about them, it's about you. What's this mean for you? Capish?
 
May 27, 2020
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
Is there any way I can become an artist like you? It looks like such a great life style - get up, throw on your robe, pad into your office, fire up a joint, mix up a drink and create. That sounds so much better than my current life which is boring, uninspired and stagnant. Even though I don't have a creative bone in my body, how do I become an artist? Maybe a painter?
 
Signed,
Hopeful I Can Quit My Stupid Job Selling Menswear
 
Dear Hopeful,
Everyone is an artist. Your life is your canvas. Right now it sounds like you're painting a still life. If you want to live a different life, paint a different picture. You are your own creation. So create the life you want instead of wishing you weren't living the life you are. Capish?
 
May 28, 2020
Overheard a mother and twenty something daughter in a clothing store.
-- This top would look gorgeous on you but it's cut pretty low, and since you never wear a bra... Why don't you ever wear a bra?
-- It's 2020, I should have to bind myself like chattel?
-- Chattel? What's that?
-- Mom, I don't wear a bra because my boobs are small and I don't need the support. Plus, I feel sexier without one, but that's not why I do it.
-- What's a chattel?
-- But I could definitely wear that top-
-- Sure, if you don't bend over. Bend over and you might as well have nothing on.
-- Least I'd be popular with the boys.
-- The boys already see enough of you as is.  
-- Well why don't you try going without one? I know! We could do a Mom and daughter no bra day. We'll go shopping. We could be twins. You could see what I mean.
-- Oh honey, I'm an old lady. Nobody wants to see my boobs bouncing free.
-- You'd be surprised, mom.
-- Really?
-- Yup.
-- Well, maybe, but not in public.
-- Definitely in public.
-- Oh I couldn't...
--
-- ...could I?
 
May 30, 2020
She said, "I'm over you. I want a divorce."
He said, "I've heard that before. From my second ex-wife as a matter of fact."
She said, "I know how she feels."
He said, "Me too. Ok."
The most amicable split ever?
 

 
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