Well, half the year has gone by. There's been a pandemic, civil unrest and bombastically inept leadership. In the US, major cities are on fire and well over 100,000 people have died. Meanwhile, in the quintessential display of bombastically inept leadership, the pretend President plays golf. Incompetent twat? Narcissistic tool? Nero with his fiddle? A widdle baby in over his widdle head? All of the above?
June 2, 2020
Their marriage was in the dumper and he saw the insurance money as his way out. He twice pushed her down stairs. He cut the brake lines on her car. He tried several times to poison her. He even Tasered her once when she wasn't looking. She survived all of his murderous attempts and then one day he choked on a peanut. She was there. She could have Heimliched him. Instead, she collected the insurance money and lived happily ever after. Moral of the story? Attempted murder is mere ineptitude; a successful murder, where one actually dies, is its own reward. Wait a sec...
June 3, 2020
Well it's official. The Republican party is populated by fearful, old, rich white schmucks longing for the days of accepted racism. Led by their child bully, Douchebag Donnie, a clueless chump as shallow as he is stupid, they continue to show the world that their inept loser-in-chief doesn't need a gold toilet to shit all over America and its values. And after each defecation the boot licking, sycophant Republicans tell him what a good boy he's been. Lincoln has got to be rolling over in his grave.
June 5, 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nothing says Decline of the American empire
Like a charlatan President
June 6, 2020
I was introduced to a woman who just didn't have the social filters one has come to expect when meeting a stranger. There was no small talk, no chit chat, just a whack of intimate stories about her uninhibited quest for sex, drugs and kink. It was too much information, wildly inappropriate, oddly discomfiting, kind of entertaining, slightly titillating, slightly nauseating and bizarre to hear all at once from someone I had never met before. I can't remember her name but I know her fetishes. Is that right?
June 8, 2020
He was in love with Darla, his car. He treated her better than he treated his girlfriend. He would actually call her his girlfriend when his real girlfriend wasn't around. He would whisper lovingly to her, caress her fluid lines, bathe and wash Darla with the softest chamois he could find and then sit back and marvel at how she shone in the sun and brought him so much happiness. Then Darla got stolen. His grief was overwhelming. He joined a military MIA group and when that wasn't enough, joined a Parents of Abducted Children group and he wallowed with them in their misery. Darla was never found. He was never the same. Moral of the story? Cars are people too.
June 9, 2020
Been dealing with a company that has tried its hardest to be conscientious but has failed on all accounts. Nothing has gone right. The ongoing performance failures have been equal parts entertaining and frustrating. There's no way they're making any profit on this job and it's made me wonder if this company's bungles are an issue of poor management, bad employee relations or just overpromising and under delivering? Look at me, the project's not even done yet and I'm already into the post mortem on the anatomy of a fuck up.
-- Clark is coming over tonight to play cards so we should get some chips and stuff.
-- Who's Clark?
-- He's in the cubicle next to me. You met him at the company Christmas party.
-- Is he cute?
-- I don't know.
-- If he's not bad looking, I'm going to invite Alisha over too. She hasn't had a date in forever.
-- Ah, I dunno.
-- What, is he married or something?
-- No, but he's not expecting to be fixed up on a date.
-- What do you care?
-- I don't.
-- So what's the problem?
-- No problem.
-- Ok, Ok... I'm just gonna come out with it... I kinda have a man crush on Clark.
-- Yeah. So fixing him up with Alisha wasn't in my plans.
-- Your plans?
-- You know, play some cards, drink some wine, see where things go.
-- Allan, a man crush is non sexual! You said a man crush!
-- Oh, did I? Change that to crush.
June 14, 2020
Went to see a friend who had made good money in finance and quit his job to pursue his passion for woodworking. He had just finished moving into his newly built pristine shop. All the machines and table saws were lined up like soldiers awaiting orders, his tools were organized and put away and the entire shop was so clean and well, gosh darned pretty, that it looked like a print ad in a woodworker's magazine. 11 days later the whole building went up in flames when an oily rag under a pile of other oily rags spontaneously combusted and burned the place to the ground. His spirit broken, his woodworking passion gone up in smoke, he got his old job back and every day tries to forget how much he hates his life now. Moral of the story? Well obviously, rags are dream killers. Bad rags. Bad bad rags.
June 16, 2020
Did you know that in many foreign languages the word cretin is spelled t-r-u-m-p.
June 17, 2020
Advice is one of those sketchy concepts that seem like a helpful thing but is it really? Isn't advice just someone else's opinion? Sure, you can be polite and listen to what they have to say but you certainly don't have to act on it. And in terms of giving advice, oi, just don't. Ok, there, I think that pretty much sums up advice giving and receiving and I believe we're all the richer for it. Are too.
June 18, 2020
Today, all seems right, but all isn't right. Granted, everything looks fine on the outside, perfect really, but your intuition tells you that what appears to be isn't really what is. Things are not hunky dory. The sun will not rise tomorrow. Putting on a happy face does nothing to distinguish this inner feeling of potential dread. So the question becomes: do you believe what you see or what you feel?
June 21, 2020
She had only gone out with him once but nonetheless felt compelled to caution others.
The child was born out of wedlock. Her parents, a preacher and his god fearing wife, wanted her to abort the baby and get religion. Not only did she not do that, she held the suggestion that she should, against them forever. When the kid was old enough to speak, she taught him every swear word she knew but gave him no context for how or when to use them. One day at breakfast the tyke ordered Grandma to "Pass me those eggs, bitch." Her parents' shock, coupled with the innocence of the child who had not known what he'd said, made her smile inside and out. It's on, she thought to herself, payback time.
June 23, 2020
Tell us a joke!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Moscow Mitch, Leningrad Lindsey and their
Ignorant ball of fat, Douchebag Donnie
There, three jokes. Three sad, fucking, pitiful jokes.
June 25, 2020
You know how they tell you to back up your stuff? Just in case. Well, is it considered living dangerously if you don't? Are you a rebel if you don't? A rule breaker? A dangerous man? Or are you just a lazy sod who can't be bothered? Behold, the tech housekeeping chore that could well define an entire planet. Sociologist alert!
June 26, 2020
Overheard a couple of 20 something gals from Ontario.
-- BC's no big deal. I don't know what everybody's always going on about.
-- Ontario has way more stuff than British Columbia. This place is overrated.
-- British Columbia's the best. British Columbia's beautiful. British Columbia is bullshit.
-- Not half as nice as Ontario.
-- Why did we even come out here?
-- Because we fell for the old saw about how awesome British Columbia is. You've got to see BC! How many time have we heard that? Well I got news for everyone. We've seen BC and it's shit.
-- Ontario rules.
-- You got that right. Where are we? What city is this?
-- I dunno. Starts with an S. Shu something. Schuster maybe. Everything out here has a hard name to pronounce.
-- Nothing hard to pronounce about Thunder Bay.
-- We're a lot simpler in Ontario.
-- You got that right.
June 27, 2020
So now that America is willing to accept an ignorant, racist, ego ridden game show host as its fake President, who's next? Because now, after Fuckface Von Clownstick, any brain dead pussy grabbing lying criminal schmuck can be prez. Whew.
June 29, 2020
Am I the only person left who doesn't have a cell phone? Everyone wants to call me, everyone wants to text me, everyone wants to social media me - haw, just kidding. No one wants to call, text or socialize with me and I don't want to with them. Having no cell phone makes that all possible.
June 30, 2020
Something had to be said. I was going to tell him it was for his own good but I realized that what I was about to say was for my own good. Still, I said what had to be said. In the end, I wondered whether I was talking to him or myself.