Header Graphic
KeithSpeak - July 2020


July 1, 2020
-- Hey, check out that dude.
-- What's he got in his hands?
-- Looks like a bunch of paper.
-- Can we eat it? I'm hungry. What if we attacked him all at once?
-- That is a fantastic idea, Charlie! I'm feeling kinda peckish myself.
-- A swan swarm. 
-- There's 5 of us and only one of him.
-- Yeah, we could fuck him up.
-- You doofuses. You can't eat paper. Forget it.
-- Hey guys, I can see a tattoo on his back.
-- What's it say, Lenny?
-- I don't know, I can't read.
-- I still say we jump the dude.
-- I dunno, he looks kinda buff.  
-- Aw, he doesn't look so tough. I hop up there and start pecking, he's gonna be begging me to stop.
-- You think he would hit a swan? We are the prettiest.
-- But I want to be known for more than my good looks. I say, let's jump all over this dude.
-- Simmer down there, Charlie. Without us getting some food out of it, what's the point?
-- Lenny's right. Why waste our gang tendencies on a guy with nothing to give us to eat.
-- Let's head over to the public beach and see if we can scrounge up some fries or something.
-- Maybe some unsuspecting kid's ice cream cone.
-- Come on, this stiffs a dead end.
-- He hasn't even noticed were here.
-- You guys! That makes a surprise attack all the more effective!
-- Cool it, Charlie.
-- Yeah, let's go beat up a child with food.
-- Easy pickin's.
-- Thug life forever, boys.
July 2, 2020
-- Gee Dad, I'm bored. I wanna go out and kill some animals.
-- Me too. (Looking at peaceful protesters on TV) I need to kill them all. Get Barr on the phone and ask him if I can kill the protester animals.
-- I like to shoot endangered species the most. Then I'm the man.
-- Bottom line is, they all need to die. Get Hannity on the phone and ask him if I can off these protesters.
-- The best part is when I take my picture with the dead animal and I just look like the man.
-- Yeah yeah, Junior, you're a real Davy Crockett. Go get me a hamburger.
-- Aw Dad, isn't that Jared's job?
-- And a large order of fries with that. Give me my phone, I need to tweet some lies.
-- You want ketchup with those fries?
-- Does a bear shit in the woods?
-- Not after I killed it. Ha ha.
-- Tell Jared I want KFC for dinner.
July 3, 2020
Overheard two women in line at the bank.
-- I couldn't believe it. She tells me that she's a Trump supporter! Can you imagine?
-- I can. It makes perfect sense. She's stupid as sin, easily led, is a confused and clueless citizen of Canada where that orange asshole isn't even President, which means she can't vote for him so her support of him means jack shit, oh, and she's stupid - really stupid, just like Trump. There you go, a typical Trump idiot supporter.
-- Huh, you're right. 
-- What do you think about Biden?
-- He's not Trump.
-- Not exactly reaching for the stars, eh.
-- He's not Trump. That's all that matters.
-- Yeah, I guess.
July 4, 2020
He came from a hard scrabble gold mining family in Western Australia. He wanted no part of that hit or miss lifestyle and went to work in finance in Melbourne. When it came time to look for a house to buy, he found one with a striking floor to ceiling quartz rock fireplace that actually used imported rock from his home town, and because of that connection he bought the place. When he had to take a week long trip to Sydney for business, he asked his parents if they would come down to Melbourne and feed his dog while they stayed at his new house. They agreed. A week later, when he returned home and opened the front door, he walked into a quarry's worth of rubble. His quartz rock fireplace was laying broken and busted all over his living room. There was now nothing floor to ceiling. His mother's explanation went as such: "Well you know how quartz is a great indicator of gold....and well, your father thought he saw something shiny in one of the rocks...so he chipped it out...even though it was only pyrite, it made him curious about the rest of the fireplace...one thing led to another - you know he's got the fever - but he never found any gold. He's sorry for busting up your fireplace. But thanks for letting us stay the week, honey. It was fun. Love your dog. Bye, sweetie."
July 5, 2020
                                         You talkin' to me?
July 6, 2020
You can live your life without Facebook, partisan news channels, brain dead game shows, Twitter, and every incoherent lie Trump pukes up, and you know what? Your life would be sooooo much better. Soooooooooo much better. 
July 7, 2020
On that note, perhaps you've been wondering how to have a good life, an authentic life. It's simple really - live well with the choices you make. Revel in your decisions. Revel, not waffle. Big difference. Capish?
July 8, 2020
The impeached orange goober, the embarrassing, grovelling, incompetent twat humiliated in a landslide election loss, is physically dragged from the White House crying and blubbering like the widdle baby he is and is dumped onto Pennsylvania Avenue along with his grifter family into a bunch of traffic that honks their horns and sneers and slurs and gives them the same finger they gave the rest of the world during the spectacular implosion of their disastrous tenure.
July 9, 2020
Saw a truly unattractive, dishevelled man walking a gorgeous Afghan Hound. The dog's hair was long and flowing of course, and I suppose he was trying to match it because his hair was also long, but greasy and stringy and filthy and wouldn't have flowed in a category 5 hurricane. The dog literally pranced as it walked while he was slow and greasy and dirty and...I wonder if this guy stole this dog?
July 10, 2020
Animals are one of the most underrated joys of living a life. Seeing them in the wild is always thrilling. Companion pets are heart warming and loving. Prehistoric behemoths interest us no end, while predators of today still scare the shit out of us. While we ignore our planet's welfare and constantly degrade it with our endless wars, pollution and greed, we inadvertently foster a universal disregard for the other animals living on this rock with us, and who ultimately pay the price for our wars, pollution and greed as uninvolved bystanders. Animals are one of the most underrated joys of living a life. Too bad humans are so me me me.
July 11, 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You don't hate flowers for being different colors
So why hate humans for being different colors
July 12, 2020
They were holding hands, out walking, enjoying each other's company when they were accosted by an aggressive homeless man asking for spare change. When they told him they didn't have any, the vagrant flew into a rage and attacked the couple. The homeless man escaped and later attacked other people but none of that made the news. No, the 4th estate couldn't be bothered reporting on a serial attacking street person when they had to regurgitate, analyze and dissect that day's brain dead lies vomited out by Douchebag Donnie. As if made up shit tweeted by a stupid man is news.
July 13, 2020
Dear Keith,
Uh oh, my wife and my girlfriend have just met. See, whenever I would give a gift to one I would always buy two and give the same to each. My girlfriend works at a computer repair place and when my wife took in her laptop, she noticed that she and the salesgirl were both wearing the same bracelet...and necklace...earrings and rings. When they both said that they were gifts from their boyfriend/husband Jeff, and both Jeffs turned out to be the same Jeff, well, as you can guess, things are not going so well. My question to you is, how do I get things back to the way they used to be?
Jeff twice
Dear Jeff Jeff,
If I was from New York I would say, Fuggedaboutit. But I'm not, so I'll say, Forget about it. Unless you can find a TARDIS, things will never go back to what they were. So figure out where you want things to go. The past is prologue, dude.
July 14, 2020
It's Bastille Day!
How to celebrate Bastille Day: Wave the Tricolour. Wave it all about. Now you're celebrating.
July 16, 2020
When a clinical psychologist who is actually a close family member to Trump tells the world that he is a sociopathic, vain, incompetent, stupid, vindictive, shallow, ignorant, needy, narcissistic, petty, malignant pussy, why would anyone disagree? Have you listened to the diarrhea of gibberish that pukes from his mouth like projectile vomit? Have you not watched him preen and lie, collude and creep? He drinks from a sippy cup for god's sake. You've got a sick, deluded old man acting as a ridiculous, ludicrous fake pretend President. Wake up.
July 17, 2020
I bought something that didn't work. I took it back and the store replaced it with another. It too failed. I returned it and they gave me yet another one. It worked for exactly 30 seconds before it also expired. When I told the store clerk I wanted my money back, he said he could only give me an in-store credit. I told him that wasn't how things worked in my world, and he was now in my world, and in my world, my money is refunded. In my world, I'm prone to doing something rash and harmful if it isn't. In my world (Frankly, I felt like Liam Neeson, "If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you."). In my dreams, he couldn't open the cash drawer fast enough. In reality, he squeals, "Please, mister, I only work here!" I took the store credit. I'm no fool.
July 18, 2020
-- Daddy, your last tweet was so powerful! It made me, I don't know, tingly.
-- I do the best tweets, Ivanka. Nobody's tweets are as good as mine. Tingly is good.
-- Yes, Daddy.
-- I told those protestors what's what. I said that if they unfollow me on Twitter, I'll have my secret agents unfollow them. Let's see how they like that! 
-- You're so in charge.
-- And powerful, Ivanka. Don't forget I'm the most powerful.
-- Yes, Daddy. 
-- You know I could kill a hundred people on 5th Avenue and they would cheer me on because...well they would. 
-- You're the best.
-- And the most popular.
-- You are the people's President.
-- You know what I love?
-- What, Daddy?
-- I love how everyone wonders if we're having sex.
-- Oh, Daddy!
-- It's because of that fake news about me grabbing pussy. Did you ever see that story? 
-- Uh huh.
-- It was Hillary Clinton. She had my voice dubbed. It was a set up. I hate her.
-- She's a terrible American.
-- Just because I said I wanted to have sex with my daughter once on TV.
-- Daddy, you just said you wanted to date me.
-- Yeah, to have sex.
-- Oh. 
-- Anyway, send in one of your lame ass brothers. I need 'em to tell Jared I want Taco Bell for dinner.
July 20, 2020
Why is it so hard to believe that you control everything about your life? You are a composite of your decisions, your choices, your judgments, your direction - all controlled by you. Why abdicate any of that to some outside party (teacher, parent, preacher, guru)? Think about that.
July 21, 2020
10 minutes on the Internet will show you that there are an incredible number of ignorant people out there. But personal development is a unique, subjective, singular experience. So ignorance and genius are to be expected. The problem stems from the fact that neither one has a clue about what the other one is saying. Same applies to the rich/poor, Democrats/Republicans, haves/have not. Shall the twain ever meet? Without a civil war?
July 23, 2020
I wrote an episode of a popular TV show. When the production notes came back, there was but one - change the name of a certain character. That was it! Those of you not writing for film and television have no idea how extraordinary it was that no one wanted to change anything in the script. Why, it's unheard of. It simply isn't done. Ahem, look at me, puff puff.
July 25, 2020
Overheard two old geezers arguing downtown.
-- I have known you for 65 years and now I find out you're a fascist?
-- Just 'cause I like Trump doesn't mean I'm a fascist.
-- Oh yes it does. It also says you condone white supremacy, are racist to the core, you hate women, immigrants, the poor, and are just plain dumb for thinking there is a shred of ANYTHING worth following or believing about that fake orange prat.
-- He's pretty rich, you know.
-- That lying gasbag is as close to being a billionaire as fuckin' Pee Wee Herman. Show us your taxes lying gasbag.
-- He's the President. That carries some weight.
-- Well, you're right about that. He is an overweight, fat assed jack off.
-- Well in comparison, Justin Trudeau isn't anything much either.
-- Are you kidding me? Justin Trudeau is Einstein compared to Trump's Pee Wee fuckin' Herman.
-- Well my daughter, who lives in Georgia, sent me a MAGA hat and I'm gonna wear it.
-- Hey, you wanna show the world how ignorant you are, by all means, put on your red fascist clothing. Goose step about. Sieg Heil Herr Donald. Whatever.
-- Come on, Trevor, that's mean.
-- No Alistair, putting children in cages is mean. Tear gassing peaceful protesters is mean. Constantly lying to the people you supposedly represent isn't just mean, it's disingenuous bullshit from a weak and useless fake orange twat. I know we were gonna go to lunch but I've lost my appetite. Your allegiance to a scumbag has made me sick to my stomach. Screw you, Trump, and the horses you cunts rode in on. I'm outta here.
July 26, 2020
An acquaintance got divorced and his wife took him for everything - the house, both cars, the kids, the dog, the jet skis, the snowmobile, and a sizable portion of their bank account and investments. Funny thing was, everyone thought he was the smart one.
July 27, 2020
I decided to try something new. I wrote an actual letter to someone. Longhand. In cursive. It was a sensuous experience that exuded an old world charm. But all was not frankincense and myrrh. I learned that my disused handwriting had fallen to shit and I could barely read what I had written, so the person receiving my groovy old-timey letter will be perplexed, frustrated and eventually royally pissed off that I would send him such unreadable drivel when I could have just called, texted or e-mailed, still... what's old is new again. I'm gonna do this lots.
July 29, 2020
We did something once and it didn't turn out right. So we redid it and again it was a fail. We are going to try for a third time today and if we don't get it right, it will never be right because we don't have the stomach/fortitude/interest to do it four times. Tenacity is good but knowing when enough is enough is also good.
July 31, 2020
You're all alone on a beach in a tropical isle. You have a drink in your hand. You think about the rest of the world slaving away in their big, loud, congested cities being all frustrated and road raged while you day drink in glorious, unspoiled nature. Yes, you are better than them. You are an authentic human being; they are automatons. You will never go back. "What is that? Is that a shark? Are you kidding me! I could die swimming in the crystal clear blue waters? The brochure said nothing about sharks! Wait, is that a shark? Why can't I tell? What if someone put something in my drink?! Oh my god, date rape! Wait, I'm not on a date. Where's my wallet? My credit cards! Ouch. What are those little things? Are those sand fleas? Fleas! Oh. My. God!" Yes, you're a million miles away on a beach in a tropical isle. Though your body is there, it seems your mind is elsewhere.

Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
KeithSpeak                                         August 2020




Keith Ryan Publishing


Privacy policy

Copyright © 2023 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.