KeithSpeak - May 2019

 

 
 
 
May 1, 2019
He was being sued for accidentally spilling hot coffee on someone. Although his lawyer assured him the case would be thrown out, he was still full of anxiety and stress. It drove him to counter sue so his accuser could also "feel the pain". Both participants got ulcers over the ordeal. Both participants spent way too much money on lawyers. In the end, the judge fined both derps for wasting the court's time. Neither lawyer objected. Case closed.
 
May 3, 2019
Went up into our field yesterday and witnessed a 30 foot high argument. An eagle in one tree was squawking at an osprey in a nearby tree. The osprey fired back in a rapid whistling cadence that seemed to really annoy the eagle as it let out a low shrill shriek and stretched out its magnificent 80 inch wingspan. The osprey seemed unimpressed and continue to cat call the eagle. I'm guessing these powerful predators were fighting over our empty raptor pole as a nesting site. Perhaps at odds with who got there first?
 
May 4, 2019
If I were getting ready to greet him, what's the proper protocol for his name? Is it President Pussy Grabber, or just President Pussy, or just Pussy. Because obviously, they all fit. What do you call this pussy?
 
May 6, 2019
You're living a life but you don't think about it much. Because you don't think about it, you attribute whatever is good to luck, and whatever is bad to (bad) luck. Whereas if you thought about why it's what it is, you'd realize the great power you possess and currently have no idea you're wielding. Your life is made up of your decisions, your thoughts, your choices. In other words, it's entirely up to you. There is no such thing as luck, good or bad. That's just some catch all you tell yourself because you haven't examined what you're doing and why you're doing it. Listen, when you realize you have complete control over your life, and it's completely malleable, hoo boy, watch out, stand back.
 
May 8, 2019
Overheard two teenagers in a bookstore.
-- Ugh, who reads anymore?
-- I know. All these books. Who buys books?
-- Uh, duh. Ever heard of the Internet?
-- What are we even doing here?
-- Ok, I had like this brilliant idea. We can Instagram ourselves with all these books. It'll make us look smart and classy. We can pretend to be reading or something.
-- I know! Let's find a sex book and we'll look like two smart and classy horny babes learning sumptin new.
-- We'll use it on Tinder! They'll think we're lezzes. It'll drive the boys crazy.
-- Let's find an illustrated one. Maybe we can learn something new!
-- Books! Who knew?
-- Where's the sex section?
 
May 9, 2019
I was looking back at some old correspondence and was amazed with how good it was.  Why, I was a swell letter writer. But nobody writes letters anymore. Too bad for me. Too bad for those who would have gotten a groovy letter from me but didn't. 
 
May 11, 2019
Some people say the world is going to hell in a handbasket. This is mainly due to the global stink of politics, rank politicians, turgid policies, self serving nitwits and absolute genuine cretins. Drain the swamp? Shit, pump out the septic tank is more like it.
 
May 12, 2019
Yesterday afternoon I had two choices:
1.) Go down to the barn and spend an hour wrestling the rough cut rotary mower onto the 3 point hitch on the back of the tractor so that I could go up and cut our field, or,
2.) Stay at the house and bake chocolate chip cookies in an avoidance behaviour directly related to putting the rotary mower on the tractor.
By the way, those cookies were delish.
 
May 13, 2019
Overheard a couple at the wharf.
-- What if I was an alien?
-- Yeah, and what if I'm Jay Z. 'Cause that would make you Beyoncé. Alien Beyoncé.
-- I'm serious. What if I was an alien and our marriage was a sham and Earth is not my home?
-- What are you talking about?
-- I'm asking you a simple question, Robert. What would be your response if you found out I was an alien? An alien disguised as an Earthling?
-- Well, I would...um...Sara, are you saying you're an alien?
-- I was asking as if I were one.
-- What's the difference? You're scaring me.
-- So Robert, what about it?
-- My god, Sara, are you really saying you're an alien, because if you are... I don't know what to say... You have any superpowers?
-- You're such a child, Robert. Don't you want to know about the scope of the Universe and the other races and civilizations? Aren't you the least bit curious about what I look like without this disguise? Wouldn't you want to know why I'm here, how I got here and whether I will leave you to go back to my home?
-- Yeah, that's what I thought. No superpowers.
-- You're an idiot, Robert.
 
May 14, 2019
Have you ever seen something so extraordinary, so out of the realm of rational possibility that mere moments after you saw it you're already asking yourself if it was real? And did you actually see what you thought you saw? Because you're sure it wasn't of this world, and yet you're not sure of anything anymore? No? Really? Just me?
 
May 16, 2019
So this pretty well known writer says he's lost his confidence and has developed writer's block. He believes he may never write again.
 
His fans take the news badly and attack him on social media.
 
His publisher and agent are professionally sympathetic so they offer up thoughts and prayers and their shrinks numbers.
 
But his wife is livid as they just purchased the beach house for a humongous amount they don't have, coupled with the outrageous mortgages for the New York City apartment and the Connecticut farm, the two girls in college, and worst of all, years and years of profligate spending because they never had money before and didn't have a clue as to how to manage it, save it or invest it, so there is nothing liquid and she knew that if he didn't start writing something soon - because it takes him forever to finish things - that they were going to be out on the street more or less. She was so mad it occurred to her that maybe he would be worth more money dead. A tragic accident. The world mourns and buys his back catalogue. She could be in the pink. At the beach house. Hmm...
 
May 18, 2019
Overheard three prepubescent boys at the movies.
-- We can't see that one it's rated R.
-- I've seen an R rated movie.
-- Here? How?
-- We paid for a ticket to theatre 2 and snuck out into theatre 3 during the credits.
-- What did you get to see?
-- Boobs.
-- You didn't see any boobs.
-- I did too, Mark.
-- Well that's nothing. I've seen an X rated movie.
-- Yeah, me too. Just watch Game Of Thrones.
-- No man, I'm talking about actual sex onscreen.
-- You mean like a porno?
-- No, a real Hollywood movie. This was back in the day when they were allowed to have real sex in movies.
-- I don't believe you. What movie was it?
-- You guys ever heard of Clockwork Orange?
-- No way. That was on TV recently and it had an R rating. And they edited out all the good stuff anyway.
-- Not in the original release. That was X rated and my uncle bought a bootleg copy. There's some real sex stuff happening in that movie.
-- Sick stuff like rape.
-- Hey man, sex is sex.
 
May 19, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Trump's a cancer
What do you do
You cut the cancer out
You nuke the cancer
Either of which would be acceptable
 
May 20, 2019
T is for Trump sucks
R is for the uninterrupted stream of unintelligible bullshit that comes out of his mouth
U is for his hate filled ugliness, his gross-ass grifter family and his gold digger wife
M is for the mouthful of shit that comes out every time he opens it
P is for the pussy that he is and will forever be
What does that spell? Unfit.
 
May 21, 2019
A guy sold his 30 year old business because it had been too much work and not enough money. The only problem was he sold it for what he could get, and after paying off debts, it clearly wasn't enough to retire on. So he either has to start another business and again overwork himself, or he has to go to work for someone else, at his age, after being his own boss for 3 decades, making peanuts just so he can survive old age. When his wife accused him of not thinking this through, not having a leg to stand on, a pot to piss in, or a hope in hell, he had to agree.
 
May 22, 2019
there is no path
no road to my door
no trail
no drive
no lane
no approach
 
May 24, 2019
One way to be truly happy is to do what you want to do. Doing what other people want you to do is often the opposite of that. Capish?
 
May 26, 2019
Your thoughts about yourself create yourself. If you think you are unworthy, you will act accordingly. If you are blessed with a sense of optimism and unlimited potential, you will act accordingly. If you are miserable because you're fat, lazy, unhappy or fearful, you will act accordingly. The you that you are displaying to yourself, is also the you that the world sees. What and how you think of yourself is what you present to the world. If you don't like what you see, and you want to be a different you, think differently about yourself. That's all it takes. Capish?
 
May 27, 2019
Overheard an older couple at the coffee shop.
-- I have nothing to do all day.
-- Well, you could take up a hobby or do volunteer work.
-- Merle, I don't want to do anything else.
-- But you're complaining-
-- Who said I was complaining?
-- Well, that's what it sounded like. So what do you do all day?
-- Smoke pot, watch TV, masturbate to porn on the Internet.
-- What?!
-- What did you think I was home doing all day when you were at the shop?
-- I don't know...the laundry, the dishes, I don't know.
-- I do that stuff in between masturbating.
-- God Shiela, you're 68 for god's sake.
-- So what, Merle. So fucking what.
 
May 28, 2019
Overheard the couple next to us at dinner.
-- This menu is outrageous.
-- So are the prices.
-- Wanna skip dinner and go to the orgy on empty stomachs?
-- Sounds good to me.
 
May 31, 2019
Once again I am happy to report that I am having cold pizza for breakfast. It is, as I have said many times before, just the best. Those pouring dead, cold milk into a dry bowl of some harvested cereal grain have no idea what they're missing. Pizza for breakfast? Yes, please!
 

 
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