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KeithSpeak - June 2019


June 2, 2019
On a trip up to our field I walked passed a beautiful buck standing about 20 yards away on the crest of a hill. He looked glorious and heroic, and it was obvious by his commanding presence and intense awareness that there is a thinking, conscious being inside that magnificent animal. We are not alone, alien or otherwise, period.
June 3, 2019
I met a couple from New Zealand. They are looking to immigrate to Canada. She is a medical doctor and he is a right wing Internet publisher who specializes in conspiracy theories. She wants to help people; he wants to ostracize, belittle and denigrate people (who don't think like him). But Canada has hate speech laws. Hopefully, her compassion cancels out his loathing and malice and together they continue to help and hurt in the southern hemisphere.
June 4, 2019
I watched this biography of a famous writer from before my time and I was struck by the freaky similarities in our lives. At some point I became convinced I must have been her in a former life. You have any idea how weird it is to sit on the couch and watch a biography of you - when you were somebody else? It was an amazing experience and whether I was really her or not doesn't denigrate that amazing experience.
June 6, 2019
Overheard two American women at the grocery store.
-- I can't believe that Susanna lets her kids run wild like that.
-- I know. They're hellions and neither she nor Pete discipline them.
-- If we all weren't on vacation together, I would urge Harold to move to another campground. I haven't had one moment's peace since we've been here.
-- I could strangle her precious little Joey. I hate that twerp. He used the bathroom in our trailer and pissed all over the floor. When I called him on it he called me a whore.
-- We're camping next to a family from Vancouver and I haven't heard a peep out of their children once.
-- American kids are on drugs, out of control, stupid as shit and useless. Especially Joey.
-- Sounds like Trump's children.
-- Coincidence?
June 7, 2019
He flew in from Cairo as a guest speaker for an IT security conference. His first name was Muhammad and that seemed to be reason enough for airport security to give him the once and twice over. He got patted down, his laptop turned on, opened and inspected. Then they ushered him into a private room where he was asked to strip completely and then had his butt probed, his crotch fondled and the inside of his mouth thoroughly inspected. They disappeared with his passport and laptop for two hours while he had to sit and wait with no explanation. He was finally released. His topic for the conference? 'The Theatre That Is Now Masquerading As Security'.
June 9, 2019
All I have to mention is "the demented orange puke" and everybody knows who I'm talking about. Isn't that something.
June 11, 2019
Drat, I'm out of town all day today. Will get back to it tomorrow. Will too.
June 12, 2019
Overheard two mothers at the bank.
-- How's Karen doing?
-- Frankly, I'm pretty worried about her.
-- Why is that?
-- My not so brilliant, oldest daughter wants to marry an American pinhead. Her fiancé is a moron for Trump. Won't shut up about the dotard. Thinks he's the next Lincoln. Fucker makes me wanna puke.
-- Who, Trump or the fiancé?
-- Both.
-- What are you going to do?
-- Wait until Trump goes to prison and hope that she comes to her senses.
-- But first, America has to come to its senses.
June 14, 2019
If you align yourselves with xenophobes, homophobes, Islamophobes, transphobes or any other fill in the phobia, then you are admitting to yourself and everybody on the planet that you are a hater. And the collateral damage from that is though you may think of yourself as a decent upstanding person, you really aren't.
June 16, 2019
Against his wife's wishes my neighbour is growing his 4 allowed pot plants. He put them outside by the kid's swing set. His wife was gobsmacked. "It's the sunniest spot in the backyard," he defended. She asked him what he told the children. Having no idea what rhubarb looked like, he told them it was rhubarb (rhubarb is a rhizome with bright red stalks and large crinkly leaves; it looks as different from marijuana as camels do to sheepdogs.)
"I love our swing set. It's like flying."
"What's Daddy growing there?"
"What's rhubarb?"
"Not that. It's like he doesn't understand we have Google."
"I like how it smells."
"Me too. Somehow it makes the swing set even more like flying."
June 18, 2019
It's garbage pickup day this morning so I'm up on our road cleaning up the litter inconsiderate people have discarded along our acreage. A car pulls up and this guy asks me what I'm doing. Cleaning up garbage, I say. Well here's some more, he snarks, and tosses a fast food bag out the window, then drives off laughing. But I have his license number. And there are fines of up to $2,000 for littering in beautiful British Columbia. We'll see who has the last laugh.
June 19, 2019
His nickname was P. His real name is Martin. The deciphering of a nickname: Martin to Marty to Matty to Matt to Doormat to Mat Man to M and M to M2 to Princess to P. (no one knows how it jumped from M2 to Princess, but such is the unpredictable and often cruel nature of nicknames).
June 20, 2019
Alas is such a special word.
alas [uh-las]
Used as an exclamation to express sorrow, grief, pity, concern, or apprehension of evil.
Apprehension of evil! Come on, that's something special right there.
June 22, 2019
She was depressed, twice divorced before the age of 26, and known to be a cutter. He had been in and out of rehab multiple times, never found a substance he wouldn't abuse and just finished a 2 year stint in prison for armed robbery. They met at a rave where he was looking for sex with anyone female and she was looking for husband number three. Both got what they wanted. All happy endings don't have to be by Disney.
June 24, 2019
He worked for an arms manufacturer assembling machine guns and other implements of death and destruction. He considered himself a technician. He told his friends that his job was technical, cutting edge, never once mentioning the ambiguous moral implications of building machines that kill other people. One day, he watched his daughter die after being hit in the crossfire of a gang related incident. Would he go to work on Monday and bury her death deep down in his psyche along with all the other potential deaths he creates with each machine gun he makes?
June 25, 2019
Overheard two geezers at a Montana truck stop.
-- I wish Trump woulda come along about 50 years earlier. Then this country woulda been set right.
-- Yeah, set right on the path to oblivion.
-- He'da kept all them immigrants out.
-- Yeah, and he woulda started World War 3 and the whole planet would be toxic with radiation now.
-- Yeah, but them immigrants wouldn't be here.
-- Neither would anybody else. You don't get it, do you?
-- Get what?
-- That Trump is a pea brained moron.
-- Yeah, but he don't want immigrants - and neither do I.
-- Cal, you didn't give a shit about immigrants until that fat ass lyin' old man started blubbering about 'em.
-- Well, that's true. But we live on the border.
-- Yeah, the border to Canada. You afraid of Canadian immigrants, Cal?
-- No, they're ok.
-- Listen, the fuckin' idiot has a gold toilet! A gold toilet! What kind of messed up fucker has a gold toilet?
-- Yeah, that is kinda messed up.
-- Yeah it is. So just imagine how much the rest of his shit is fucked up?
-- I never thought of it that way.
-- America is going down the toilet and Captain Gold Crapper is leadin' the way.
June 26, 2019
If you are lonely and want nothing more than to feel true love, get a dog. Treat that dog with love and kindness and it will give you back everything you ever wanted.
June 27, 2019
Select celebrity wishes unexpressed:
Madonna wishes she were Beyoncé
Vin Diesel wishes he was Steve McQueen
Nobody wishes they were Vin Diesel or Madonna, not at this age, not anymore
June 29, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There's a Republican moron in the White House
June 30, 2019
Wrote a script, sent it in, received a ton of notes, change this, change that, revised the script, sent it in, got back even more notes, did another draft, got back more notes, resubmitted the original script before any changes were made, accepted. Just what in the convoluted hell does this say about the creative process and bosses?

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