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KeithSpeak - March 2020

 

 
 
 
March 1, 2020
It was one of those things you just never think would happen. I bought a new calculator that actually added incorrectly. I was working on a spreadsheet when my brand new mathematical device informed me that 78 + 23 was 99. Lies, I've been fed lies! When I took it back to the store they said they had never heard of such a thing; must be one in a billion; didn't I feel like the queen of the prom. I picked up another brand, made sure that 78 + 23 equaled 101, and left the store. Question: Does this mathematical trickery in any way mar March?
 
March 2, 2020
I'm in the grocery store when this heavy breathing 20 something runs in wearing a t-shirt covered in fresh blood. He grabs a cart and starts pretend shopping like it's just another day in the neighbourhood. Seconds later a policeman comes running into the store, scans the place, spots the blood covered dude and the two of them chase each other out of the grocery. I finish shopping and proceed to my truck. There in the parking lot are two RCMP cars and an ambulance. Seems two guys stabbed each other over a box of Pop Tarts. True crime, hinterlands style.
 
March 4, 2020
Met an absolute jerk. He had opinions about everything and everyone and they were all negative. When I asked him what he was happy or satisfied with about his life, he said, "That I can make so many other people miserable." What a sweetie.
 
March 5, 2020
Cosmic law: If you're abominable to animals, you come back as one. The animals that you harmed come back as vindictive pricks and you learn about your actions from both sides of the spectrum. However, if you're kind to animals, you have just saved yourself two reincarnations right there.
 
March 6, 2020
Something for nothing. What do you do if you ordered something from a company and instead of billing you for the proper amount, they refunded you the proper amount? Do you tell them? Do you let it slide? Either way, at this point, it's something for nothing.
 
March 8, 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There are good people in the world
Trump's just not one of them
 
March 9, 2020
Politicians should have to pass an IQ test. Too many of them are far too dumb to be where they are. Before you get to throw your hat in the ring, you have to be able to spell it.
 
March 10, 2020
America needs a visionary, not a brain dead poseur. Where you gonna find somebody like that?
 
March 11, 2020
                          The name's Lincoln.
                            Abraham Lincoln.
                            American badass.
 
March 12, 2020
Overheard an adult brother and sister at a hockey game.
-- If you don't do this for me, I'll tell Mom about the time you "borrowed" her vibrator and broke it.
-- Ok then, I'll tell Dad about all the times you stole the family car and went for joyrides with your buddies when you were 13.
-- What about when you broke Alicia Gaither's nose because she called you a dyke.
-- Oh, that's worse than when you decided to "experiment" with heroin?
-- Just do this for me. For Kira.
-- Once and for all Kevin, I will not sleep with your wife just to satisfy her curiosity.
-- But you've slept with plenty of girls.
-- None of them was your wife, Kevin. She's family. That's incest.
-- Fine, then I'll tell them about the time you-
-- Just stop it, Kevin.
-- You're selfish.
-- I'm selfish because I won't sleep with your wife?
-- Yeah.
 
March 14, 2020
Dos and Don'ts - Food Edition
 
Do eat lots of candy and donuts and stuff.
Don't worry about crap like carbohydrates, free radicals and diabetes.
 
Do question putting fish on pizza.
Don't eat the anchovies unless you think it's ok to put fish on pizza. In which case you are a person of questionable character and anchovies are obviously the least of your issues.
 
Do consume as much chocolate as you can get your hands on.
Don't fall for carob, it's shite.
 
Do eat as much as you possibly can without gaining weight.
Don't be a glutton by eating as much as you possibly can and gaining an enormous amount of weight thus reigniting those long buried fat boy/mama issues that plagued the two of you all through childhood, adolescence and young adulthood.
 
Do realize that eating other conscious beings, be they plant or animal, is both cruel and enjoyable and completely necessary for living a life.
Don't dwell on the fact that you are eating other beings, it kind of ruins it.
 
Ok, that's all the Dos and Don'ts for now, but if you follow the exact precepts laid out, in the end you'll get to go to heaven and play with puppies. Will too.
 
March 17, 2020
Heavens to Betsy! Wait a sec. Why Betsy? How does she rate her own catchphrase? Who is this Betsy, if that's even her real name. And what does Heavens to her even mean? Anyway, because I forgot what I was so excited about in the first place, I suggest a new companion phrase for when it goes awry. Perhaps, Hells bells, Betsy! All in favor, say aye.
 
March 18, 2020
We here at Keith Ryan Publishing are dedicated to helping you have a better life whether you want one or not. We do this because you can't be trusted to accomplish it on your own. Is Forced Betterment the wave of the future? We think so.
 
March 20, 2020
Standing in line at the bank, I met a couple who had just immigrated from the States. They were there to trade in their American dollars for Canadian and asked me if I knew the current exchange rate. I did (it was posted on a sign board). I told them that the rate this morning was 1.45. The woman asked me what that meant. I said that for every American dollar you exchange, you would receive $1.45 Canadian. The guy literally shrieked, "I make 45 cents on the dollar?! 45%!" He turned to his partner and yelled, "We're rich!" She said, "I love this country." A teller bellowed, "Next." You've heard the phrase, Laughing all the way to the bank? They embodied it. Literally.
 
March 22, 2020
A production company I have never worked for called and said they wanted me back. Uh, I was never there. Sure you were, they said. You wrote a screenplay for us, they said. No, I didn't. Yes you did. Unable to get past the no, yes, no, yes, I asked them to send me the shooting script. They did. The name on the script is H. Keets Rion.
 
March 24, 2020
Do you think wildlife wonders why there isn't human waste laying all over the ground? There's billions of us, you think they wonder where it all went? A bathroom reno is on our horizon. I've been looking at toilets. It's engendered these thoughts.
 
March 25, 2020
Overheard two teens at the dollar store.
-- This stuff's way more than a dollar.
-- Yeah, it's false advertising.
-- They should call it the Way More Than A Dollar store.
-- Yeah.
-- If we were American we could sue 'em.
-- Or bomb them.
-- Or take away their children and put 'em in cages.
-- But we're not.
-- We're Canadian.
-- So we'll just pay a little more and tell them how sorry we are that things are no longer a dollar.
 
March 27, 2020
You know how when you pass an incredibly handsome man or a super attractive woman, you can't help but notice them? Well I saw the cutest damn dog yesterday. I know! It was unbelievably adorable, a pleasure to look at, a true sensation, 10 out of 10. However, the person walking the dog was less than attractive. And because the dog was so gosh darned gorgeous and they weren't, the contrast was obvious, stark and weirdly disconcerting. Where are all the beautiful people when you need one to walk a beautiful dog?
 
March 28, 2020
Without a lick of flattery, he compared his wife to an all season radial. You can technically drive it in all 4 seasons, but it's not especially great in any one of them. It'll do. It's adequate. It's not the best you can get. Just like this guy's wife apparently.
 
March 29, 2020
The joy and pleasure of living on an acreage is refreshing to the soul. Open meadows outside your front door make you feel like you're connected to something bigger. If you live where there is no undeveloped land around you, you don't feel any of that. You don't even suspect it exists.
 
March 30, 2020
This must be a terrible time for burglars. Everybody's home.
 
March 31, 2020
Words mean different things to different people. I just listened to The Grateful Dead's "Ripple". Ripple in the song refers to the disturbance of still waters, but for me, Ripple was and will always be the terrible low rent wine of my misspent youth. Ripple, along with MD 20 20 and Thunderbird constituted the holy trinity of bottom feeder wines just perfect and cheap for yesterday's experimenting youths. Still waters, cheap wine, words mean different things to different people. See.
 

 
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