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KeithSpeak - April 2020

 

 
 
 
April 1, 2020
Overheard two men on a building jobsite.
-- This conduit is in the wrong place.
-- I bought my wife her first vibrator.
-- What?
-- The on/off button was so hard to push that once she got it turned on, she just left it on. I was in the bedroom and kept hearing this buzzing sound. I found it, still running, wrapped in several socks inside a towel in the bottom drawer underneath some sweaters.
-- Why don't you just get her one that's easier to use?
-- Because she's already named this one. It's Jerry. Her old boyfriend from college. She says she couldn't possibly just throw ol' Jerry out in favor of a new boyfriend.
-- Your wife has a boyfriend?
-- Just Jerry.
-- Well jeez, Allan, you're an electrical engineer, surely you could fix a sticky on/off button.
-- Yeah, I probably could, but, um, now that it's a Jerry, I kinda don't want to touch it.
-- I get ya.
 
April 3, 2020
Well, has the incompetent orange charlatan shown through his disastrous coronavirus blunders that he's so far in over his widdle head he doesn't know which way is up? He continues to blame everyone else for his ineptitude while Americans just die. "I don't take any responsibility for this." What a loser. What an ineffectual creep. Continuing to believe in this twerp makes one wonder when enough will ever be enough. Do millions have to die?
 
April 4, 2020
If you put your faith and trust in someone who is deserving of neither, what does that say about you?
 
April 5, 2020
I was in bed sleeping when the cat came in to inform me she had taken a prisoner. She woke me up to show me her prize, a live, wriggling mouse still in her mouth. Before I could react, she dropped her catch and the mouse promptly ran underneath the covers. I jumped out of bed like I'd been shot and the cat and I both watched the outline of the mouse as it ran under the sheets. The cat then gave me a look that I interpreted as, It's your problem now, jumped off the bed and left. Took me 10 minutes to corner the little gray bugger, trap it in a glass and release it to the outdoors. That was the start to my day. Yours go any better?
 
April 7, 2020
I was in the grocery and saw a friend with the most atrocious haircut imaginable. He said he kinda went stir crazy in lockdown and tried to cut his own hair for the first time. "Without a mirror," he added. It went as well as one might expect. Ironically, his head kinda looked liked the coronavirus ball. Yet another casualty of the pandemic.
 
April 8, 2020
Alonzo had been off grid for a few decades. After being informed that Trump is the President, Alonzo's look of incredulity was followed by, "That game show douchebag? No way. Seriously, who's the real President?"
 
April 9, 2020
If aliens don't intercede, humans will go extinct. Look at us.
 
April 10, 2020
                                        INSIPID DIALOGUE THEATRE
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Don't be a fool, Henry, she will never love
                                    you like I do.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Perhaps you're right, Margo. So what?
 
                                                            Margo
                                    So what!
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Yeah.
 
                                                            Margo
                                    I'll tell you so what.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Will you now?
 
                                                            Margo
                                    You bet I will!
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Oh really?
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Yes really.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Do tell.
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Henry.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    False promises.
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Nah-uh.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Sometimes I...
 
                                                            Margo
                                    You what?
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Wouldn't you love to know.
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Not really. Not in the least.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Would too.
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Would not.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Would too.
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Would not.
 
                                                            Henry
                                    Would too.
 
                                                            Margo
                                    Nah-uh.
 
                                                           
It goes on like this for 2 more hours. Margo and Henry break up and get back together an astonishing 14 times. Their banal lives are echoed in their banal dialogue. Eventually, it dawns on the audience that it will never get any better and they start to throw fruit on the stage. Insipid Dialogue Theatre, it's not for everyone.
 
April 12, 2020
On her 3rd drink at her 32rd birthday party she looked around and took stock. All of her "friends" were work friends - and she hated her job. She had been with the same guy for 6 years but Jerome was more of a convenience thing than a love thing. She decided then and there that she wanted more out of life than she was getting. She quit her job, dumped Jerome, cut her hair and started dating women. Eventually, she got a new job and settled down with Kathy. On her 4th drink at her 42nd birthday party she looked around and to her utter horror, realized she had merely duplicated her life with Jerome, with Kathy. Now the question was, at this age, did she still want more out of life than she was getting?
 
April 13, 2020
Trumpty Dumpty and his deluded views
We'll pray it away, fake news fake news
He let everyone down. He let so many die
Trumpty Dumpty and his incompetent lies
 
April 14, 2020
I remember an incident on a trip up the eastern seaboard when I used to drive tractor trailers. Over the radio a fellow driver boasted that he was so hungry he could eat an entire cake in one sitting. Others drivers called him on it, bets were made, and a bunch of us pulled into a truck stop in Virginia to watch. Dude got through half an entire chocolate cake before he upchucked at the table. You know how if you smell vomit it can induce vomiting? As the odor wafted over the restaurant, in a chain reaction, others started involuntarily throwing up at their tables. It was the grossest, most disgusting, foulest smelling human drama I have ever witnessed. But boy was it memorable.
 
April 15, 2020
When they make a movie about the needy chump Trump, he should be played by either Alfred E. Newman, Bart Simpson or a can of beans. Just put a can of beans in front of the camera and fart out Trump's own ludicrous words for 2 hours. In the end, America comes in and throws the beans away because they're spoiled. Like a little rich 5 year old child. A stupid child. A brainless, stupid baby. Widdle baby Trump. The end.
 
April 16, 2020
In a mall parking lot he was yelling nonsense into a bullhorn. She was dressed in a clown costume with a curly rainbow wig pretending to do sign language with ridiculous, over the top gestures that were obviously made up. Their audience was two socially distanced people who stopped on the way to their cars. Who bullhorn guy and clown girl were, what they were protesting, and the fact that they were doing it during a quarantine seemed like nothing more than their own over the top personal release from cabin fever. It seems we have two more casualties of the pandemic.
 
April 18, 2020
I already feel bad for the cemetery caretaker when Trump dies and so many people stop by to piss on his grave.
 
April 19, 2020
I don't remember. It was all a blur. See.
 
April 20, 2020
The bears are out. Hibernation's over. They're groggy. They're grumpy. They're hungry. But soon they'll mate. Their moods will pick up. Things will once again look rosy for our scary apex predators. Yea?
 
April 22, 2020
I parked at the grocery store right next to a Ducati cafe racer with clip ons. Before I could get out of my truck an 80 year old woman in racing leathers strolled up to the bike, put on her Arai helmet, straddled the seat and fired up the motorcycle. Clip ons force the rider into a forward position that can be tiring on the arms, but before I could ask her anything about comfort, she slammed it into first and hauled ass out of the parking lot. It was an old lady on a fast bike saying to the coronavirus, Catch me if you can.
 
April 23, 2020
His name was Basil. He wanted it pronounced like the plant, Bay-zul, but his mother always called him Baz-ul. Sometimes a teacher would say Bay-zul or Baz-ul? and the class would laugh, ha ha, and he would feel small. The day the teacher asked the class if basil and Basil were homophones, and the class thought that meant something else entirely, he changed his name to Bob. It's not much of a story, but life's successes aren't always measured in dollars and cents.
 
April 26, 2020
Feeble old gasbag Trump tells Americans to inject themselves with Clorox. "You can clean yourself from the inside out," he lies. "Try it, what have you got to lose?" Seriously, what kind of fucked up moron says shit like that from the Presidential podium?
 
April 27, 2020
What if your thoughts were worth their weight in gold? Gold is roughly $1700 an ounce right now. How many of your thoughts would it take to fill an ounce? We're talking quality thoughts, thoughts that might change the world, thoughts that are important for you and others, golden thoughts, not the usual misguided ramblings of your chaotic, incoherent mind as it flits from one ridiculous thing to another. Capish? Ok, so how rich are you?
 
April 28, 2020
The house pets of the world can't believe that everybody's home all the time! How wonderful is this! They don't know why this is so, but they know their loved ones aren't gone for 10 hours a day anymore. I suppose you could explain the pandemic to your dog, but I guarantee the only thing they care to understand is that you're home. You're home!
 
April 30, 2020
Hope you are all staying well.
 

 
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