Header Graphic
KeithSpeak - June 2016


June 1, 2016
Overheard in line at the post office.
-- (German accent) Pardon me, are you a local?
-- A local what.
-- Do you live here?
-- Do I live here?
-- Yes, are you a native?
-- Man, I'm just standing in line when I get some tourist being a racist.
-- Racist? Whatever do you mean?
-- Whatever do YOU mean?
-- Do you not live here?
-- Live here?! This is my land. I'm the indigenous person here. You are the interloper.
-- You're an Indian?! My god, you don't look-
-- I tell you what, you don't get to question my heritage - and I won't bring up yours.
-- I just wanted some local information.
June 2, 2016
Here is Maurice Pompoy of Pompoy's Pandemonium showing off his newest product, the floating parking space. According to Maurice, it is the perfect anti-theft device. He claimed it prevented punk kids, vandals, hooligans, stray dogs, raccoons, car jackers and criminals of all types including but not limited to such riff raff as bank robbers, kidnappers and booze runners from using your automobile for their crimes. Will Maurice Pompoy make the millions he's dreamed of?
June 3, 2016
A buddy passed me in his truck and waved. He had his chainsaw, fuel, axe and come-along in the back. He heats his home with wood. He burns 10 cords a winter, all of which he cuts, bucks, moves, stacks, moves again, stacks again, dries and then burns all by himself. That's over 36 cubic meters of wood; a huge amount of work for one person. So he starts in June so that he may be warm in December. Funny, the government calls him unemployed. Society calls the unemployed lazy. Obviously, none of them have ever gotten 10 cords of wood by their own hands.
June 4, 2016
If you think your life is dictated by unseen forces, might you not be making that up so that you don't have to accept full responsibility for what is obviously your own doing - living your life? I'm just sayin'...
June 5, 2016
To each individual, there are certain days that mean more than others. Today is one of those for me. What? Can I tell you what that is? No, silly.
June 6, 2016
I could stare at the ocean all day.
Will a fish wash up on shore?
Why do fish taste so good?
Why is water wet?
I don't like getting wet but I would for a fish.
I wonder if I know how to swim.
Hey, do mice swim?
Wouldn't that be great. Wash right up. I'm here.
Hello little mousey!
But out there. All those good tasting fish just underwater...
A fish sure would taste good now.
Is there a better sight than a fish on dry land?
Or mice washing up on shore?
I could stare at the ocean all day.
June 7, 2016
At the sponsor's gala were a hockey player with two black eyes and a broken nose, a baseball player with a pulled hamstring, a football player with a concussion who kept calling everybody Coach and a Grand Prix driver who was physically healthy but obnoxiously cocky. Of course, the athletes were contractually obligated to be there to tout their sponsor's mantra, shake people's hands and pretend to like what they're doing as paid shills. They said they felt like trained monkeys, and were only happy when depositing the check, but the sponsor didn't care, as long as they got their money's worth. And the clients didn't care, as long as they got their selfie and one minute with the star. And the media sure didn't care as they were snarfing down the free food. The whole thing was gloriously phony and disingenuous. And no one cared. 
June 8, 2016
He was a schlub devoid of content, bland as faded wallpaper. She was a ravishing blond beauty dressed provocatively. His ideas were psychedelic and dumb and he knew little of the world. She stood nearby, sipping her drink and not partaking in the conversation. They circulated throughout the room. Everyone was repulsed by him and attracted to her. Later, long after they'd gone, people began to discover they'd been pick pocketed. When the police asked for descriptions, the beauty was remembered by all, her every nuance captured perfectly and echoed by everyone throughout the room. But no one could remember what the guy looked like, what he was wearing, or anything he said. It's the perfect crime, mumbled the police after a blond wig was found in the trash can in the alley behind the building.
June 9, 2016
So much drama. A mother yelling at her child in public. Kid screaming, proclaiming her innocence. Incensed mother refuting everything. Her rage boils over. A smack to the back of the child's head. More tears. More yelling. The mother yanks the kid's arm and drags her away. The police arrive. Kid starts pleading her innocence to the cops. Mother cuffs the child again. Police arrest her and put her in the back of the cop car. Kid stops crying. Mother is stunned. Social Services pulls up. Child is whisked away. Mother is whisked away. No more drama.
June 10, 2016
Tiffany had a drinking problem which she denied until that moment in Rico's Fancy Dress and Leggings Emporium when she threw her head back for a quick snort, lost her center of gravity, flipped ass over heels into an empty box - and never tried to get out. This is the photo that shamed her into rehab. While she was gone, Rico used the picture as the centerpiece of his new advertising campaign about how women are going head over heels for Rico's Fancy Dress and Leggings Emporium. By the time Tiffany got out of rehab, Rico was rich. She wanted a cut of the money. Rico refused. If this were America, a gun would have been pulled. There would have been a boffo finish. But this was Canada; Rico and Tiffany went to a mediator who deliberated their case and suggested a sensible solution. The end. The boring, fair end. Are we so accustomed to bloodshed, that when there is none we feel let down?
June 12, 2016
The honest truth is, I saw two of the ugliest children ever. They were cubist art come to life. Their facial features were mangled in odd, disproportionate ways. Naturally, I thought they were a couple of mock-human alien babies trying to fit in, but first gen stuff. So I didn't feel sorry, repulsed or pity like I would have if they were messed up little humans. But later, I wondered, why should it matter if they're aliens? They look like what they look like and it's going to be a hard road ahead for them regardless of what planet they're on.
June 13, 2016
In an interview, an ignorant celebrity said some of the dumbest shit ever and then, when the media and social network attacks came fast and furiously, tried to clarify what he said by lying, and when that didn't work, claimed he never said it at all. With his wretched ideas and ideology exposed, his career effectively died. He tried to blame everyone else, but he was merely a victim of his own bigotry and racism. Ironically, now he was hated just like he hated others. Meh, seems fair.
June 14, 2016
Overheard at a restaurant.
-- There is no way I'm going to do that, Arnold.
-- But you could?
-- Sure, I could, but I won't.
-- But you could.
-- Knock it off, Arnold.
-- If you could, then maybe later you will. Maybe you'll change your mind. People change their minds all the time.
-- It's never gonna happen, Arnold.
-- But you could.
-- Am I physically able, yes. Am I going to do that? No. So just drop it, Arnold.
-- But maybe later you will?
-- Never, Arnold. Read my lips. N-e-v-e-r.
-- But you could.
-- You're ruining a perfectly good dinner. Is that your intention? Because you are.
-- Ok, I'll ask you later when you're in a better mood.
June 15, 2016
Hmm, might the occupants of this place be an anti-social, agoraphobic couple who have spent their lives avoiding others?
June 16, 2016
There was a reported catastrophe at 15 Maple Lane. Emergency vehicles were dispatched. Neighbours were asked to evacuate. Perimeters were established. The media descended. Chaos reigned. The place was on high alert until it was determined to be a false alarm. The first responders left. The barricades came down. People were allowed to return to their homes. The media had no story, as there was no tragedy, just a major inconvenience for scores of people, and in today's world, that ain't nothing new.
June 17, 2016
It's obvious that many people beat themselves up. They unleash a daily barrage of negative thoughts, disasters to come and inadequacies perceived and felt. If that's you, you know what you'll find when you stop doubting and criticising yourself? You'll find the energy you used to put into that can be used in a positive, self affirming way. Heck, it can be used in any way you choose. All you have to do is recognize how you're currently employing it (beating yourself up), then stop doing that (beating yourself up) and start doing something wonderful and positive for yourself. The goal? Imagine how it feels to love yourself.
June 18, 2016
The lottery seems impossible to win because you've been told it's impossible to win. You've been shown the stats and the folly by others who believe in that and now you too believe. And yet somehow, someone always wins the lottery. Well how does that happen? Haven't you been conditioned to believe that it's impossible to win? You certainly don't believe that you're that one in a billion, right? Isn't that your belief? And sure enough, you either never play or you never win but regardless, you uphold your belief. Hey, what if you didn't believe what you do. What if you believe that in your life, anything is possible. Even winning the lottery.
June 20, 2016
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Someone mentioned to me how much I've changed since I started KeithSpeak and I said, Well yeah, I'm 16 years older and she said, Still, you're different, and I said, If I hadn't changed in 16 years, I was doing something wrong and she said, Yeah, probably.
June 21, 2016
Looks perfect, doesn't it? And it was, moments before, when Herbert and Cindy Tish were lounging in these chairs with a couple of mojitos completely relaxed and taking in the beautiful scenery when Cindy squinted her eyes and said, Is that a UFO? Shortly thereafter, Herbert and Cindy Tish were abducted by aliens. Come to the islands, they say. It's so pretty, they say. But nobody mentions the aliens! Don't be fooled!
June 22, 2016
I was talking with a pregnant couple about baby names. The husband said that if it was a girl, he wanted to name her Lolita, because that would be sexy. His wife demurred and said she liked Helga. What if it's a boy? Thor or Zeus, said hubby emphatically. Gene, returned the wife, after my father. So in about a month they will be branding some little child as a Lolita, Helga, Thor, Zeus or Gene. Yikes.
June 23, 2016
Passed an ancient VW beetle pulling a giant Airstream trailer. How is that possible? The trailer must weigh twice what the car weighs. The VW has a paltry 1200 cc engine with 40 horsepower. How did it even get going without burning out the clutch? And God knows what the tongue weight on the hitch is but seeing as the bug's rear end is mere inches off the ground, I'd say it has been criminally exceeded. As I passed them, I saw two women in the car, both texting on their phones, even though one was driving this wreck waiting to happen. Wow, other people's lives.
June 24, 2016
It's raining, late June. Everything is lush, verdant. The landscape - grass, trees, plants, shrubs, weeds, flowers - all alive and conscious, a melange of vitality, a collage of writhing molecules and indomitable life force. Just like us.
June 26, 2016
It's the weekend. Went out of town yesterday to have some fun. Had none. Our truck broke down. Couldn't get it started, couldn't leave it where it was, had to get it towed. Expensive? Yes, yes it was. Add in the aggravation, the inconvenience, the cost of the repairs yet to come... I've decided it's best to never have fun out of town again. Harsh? Perhaps. Still.
June 27, 2016
A comedian had been doing a funny set when he started talking about his dog. But there were no jokes, just a raw 15 seconds where he said he loved his dog so much, but she was old and he was afraid she was going to die. He then continued on with his set. When the applause died down, what remained was that genuine moment.
June 29, 2016
Yesterday, I was in the big city nearest us. It is 7.5 times the population of our little town. Everybody there has a car and a boat and a bicycle and a dog. The town is known for its lake, its traffic, its wineries and the fact that they aren't Vancouver. Lots of people want to live there. Lots of people do live there. Not me. If occasionally I have to drive the three hours round trip to visit the big city but the rest of the time I get to live in a small town with no traffic and 7.5 times fewer people, well yeah.
June 30, 2016
Went to do our recycling and ended up talking with one of the workers who was stacking cardboard. Though his accent was thick, it didn't take long to ascertain that he was obviously educated and quite smart. Turns out he is a refugee recently settled in Canada and this was the first job he found. I asked him what he did in his former country and he replied that he was a pathologist. "But I am very happy to be here." he smiled. As an immigrant myself, I knew exactly what he meant.

Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
KeithSpeak                                               July 2016


Keith Ryan Publishing


Privacy policy

Copyright © 2024 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.