KeithSpeak - July 2016

 

 
 
 
July 1, 2016
Two women were discussing whether a particular guy was hot or not. One said that he was not conventionally handsome, and he was a little overweight, but she found that appealing, while the other said that she was attracted to his ideas and intellectual prowess. Both women agreed they would bed him in an instant. And really, when you come right down to it, isn't that what makes someone hot or not?
 
July 2, 2016
He had dealt enough drugs to get rich.
But it was a cash based business, and he was running out of room.
He was living in a three bedroom house where two bedrooms and the halls were filled with stacks of money.
He was going to have to move.
But how do you move that?
 
July 4, 2016
Overheard in a parking lot.
-- Barry LaManche! Carla, why would you settle for Barry LaManche?
-- Because Prince Charming isn't coming along anytime soon.
-- So?
-- So my biological clock is ticking! plus, Barry asked me.
-- The first guy that asks you to marry him and-
-- That's right, Aurora! I'm not pretty like you! I don't have guys falling all over themselves for me. Maybe I'm settling, but at least I can have a family.
-- I'm not that pretty.
-- Stop it, Aurora.
-- Ok, future Mrs. Carla LaManche. Ooh, that has kind of a gothic ring to it. I like it!
-- Goody. Let's go have lunch.
-- Ok, Carla LaManche, wife of Barry.
-- Stop it, Aurora.
 
July 5, 2016
She was sitting in a parking lot surrounded by a makeshift Prince shrine and crying. When an older lady stopped to ask if she was all right, the girl screamed, "No I'm not all right! Prince is dead!!!" and doubled down on her bawling. The old lady was alarmed. "Prince Charles? Prince Charles is dead? Really?" "Prince!!!!" the girl screamed back. "Prince!!! Prince!!!!" The old lady looked confused, stepped back and took a look at the shrine pictures. "Is this fellow a prince too? Is that why you're crying?" "Yesssss," pouted the girl. "Ohhh. What country was he a prince of?" "Minnesota," returned the girl. "Ohhh," said the older lady, just as confused as when she arrived. She stood there for a few seconds more and then walked away.
 
July 6, 2016
Some Americans who are thinking of leaving the country after the next election asked me how it was for my wife and I when we immigrated to Canada from the States. Frankly gang, it was one bureaucratic snafu after another. What should have taken 3 months, took us a year. Files were lost, duplicates mishandled, multiple 500 miles trips to the Seattle Consulate were required, etc. But that was also almost 30 years ago. I'm sure things have changed. I'm sure it's gotten much easier. I'm sure immigration is a piece of cake now. Ha ha.
 
July 7, 2016
A 7 year old kid from a small Tennessee town is hit by a car and taken to the hospital. The boy falls into a coma and when he comes out of it, speaks fluent French. His little Tennessee accent is completely gone and what's more, he doesn't understand a word of English. He gets out of the hospital, declares Tennessee a horrid backwater and flees to Bordeaux. But his family wasn't all that upset "since no one could understand a damn thing he was sayin' anyway." Win-win?
 
July 8, 2016
San Francisco 1897 or San Francisco 2016?
 
July 9, 2016
You don't put yourself down because you're miserable, you're miserable because you put yourself down. Stop beating up on yourself. Stop telling yourself that you are not worthy. Start telling yourself that you are who you are because of what you tell yourself. Think about that. Act accordingly.
 
July 10, 2016
Dear Keith Ryan Publishing,
Here is the first paragraph of my latest novel. It's pretty great. Let me know when you plan to publish it.
Signed,
Kenny
 
Tiptoeing down the hallway, Matilda knew that if she could get by Gretchen's bedroom without being heard, she might get a few minutes peace in the bathroom. But the floorboards creaked and from behind the closed door Gretchen yelled, "Matilda, is that you? You're not going to the bathroom without me!" Seconds later the door was flung open and Gretchen bounded out. "Let's do this!" she enthused. And off they went to the bathroom.
 
Dear Kenny,
What? No, Kenny, no.
Keith
 
July 11, 2016
The guy is a big time mountain climber, tough, durable, known for his exploits, but in an interview, when asked if he's afraid of anything, said only his wife. He said she is Teutonic, authoritarian and no nonsense. When pressed, he admits he climbs mountains to get away from her.
 
July 12, 2016
You could spend $250,000 helping the poor.
You could spend $250,000 paying off your debts.
Or you could spend it on this:
What kind of human being are you?
 
July 13, 2016
The guy was white, had dreads down to his shoulders and wore a green and gold T-shirt that proclaimed Haile Selassie was god and he his faithful follower. On the back of the shirt was a photoshopped picture of Haile Selassie wearing a rastacap and smoking a joint. The guy was in court for possession of two grams of marijuana. The judge listened to his explanations, said the defendant made him sick, and gave him eight years in prison.
 
July 14, 2016
What is it about July and independence declarations? Canada, the U.S. and France all have their national Independence Days in July. So does Argentina, Peru, Belgium and Venezuela. There are others too. So what, is it just a convenient time for a revolution? Good weather to overthrow your overlord? It's the middle of the year and the locals got restless? What is it about July and independence days?
 
July 15, 2016
This is the guy they were looking for. He would have been the perfect talk show host. Handsome, glib, funny and smart, he had everything going for him except for the fact that he had only one leg. Had he lost the other leg in some acceptable war, maybe they would have gone out on a limb and hired him as the war hero talk show host, but his one leggedness was the result of a congenital birth defect, and thus neither sexy nor patriotic enough for their brand of TV. So they passed on the perfect guy and hired the usual cornball douche who was mediocre and tiresome, but the dude had two legs. Job done!
 
July 16, 2016
Overheard at the cinema.
-- You can't let that guy bully you.
-- Well, how am I supposed to do that?
-- Tony, he bullies you because he doesn't respect you. Obviously, the trick is to make him respect you.
-- How do I do that?
-- There's two ways to teach respect. Lead by example or bring down the wrath of god upon his wretched soul. Personally, I find the wrath of god option to be the faster choice.   
-- So what do I do?
-- You go on Craigslist and you hire a personal bodyguard for a day. He must have intimidating looks. Probably cost you about a hundred bucks. You and your bodyguard confront the bully, explain why he must leave you alone or else. Then have the bodyguard bitch slap the bully. That part's important as it makes the fear real - see, bullies are mostly talk. Trust me, Tony, after that, that guy will leave you alone forever.
-- That's a great idea, Kyle!
-- Works every time.
-- Um, you got a hundred bucks I can borrow?
 
July 17, 2016
She writes a blog. It's tucked away in a little corner of the Internet and is rarely visited. On it, she says what she thinks is important to say. One day, someone stops by and is taken by what they read. They offer her employment. They offer her money to do what she is already doing for free. The blogger goes to work for them. But now the company tells her what her opinions are to be and how to write them. She has gone from doing what she loves to doing what she hates; from saying something important, to being a shill.
 
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone... 
                                                               Joni Mitchell 
 
July 19, 2016
Have you ever wondered why you're passionate about certain things? Just what is it that makes you excited about the things that excite you? Why do some things turn your crank, while others turn your stomach? What is it about you that makes these passions so personal?
 
July 20, 2016
Mexican authorities said El Chapo had been breaking the law since he was eight years old.
There had been no proof of that until now.
 
July 21, 2016
Speaking of drugs, a writer told me that he creates 100% of his material high. He smokes dope and writes. He does crank (if it's available) and writes for days nonstop. He drinks constantly, snorts cocaine and heroin (never together) and writes. Now after hearing that you might be forgiven for thinking that this writer must be no good, that his material must be all over the place, that he's most likely a hack, right? But you'd be wrong. This fellow has an Emmy Award and is in production with a feature film that will likely garner him an Academy Award nomination for best original screenplay. So listen, those people who tell you not to do drugs? Obviously, they don't know what they're talking about.
 
July 22, 2016
I was thinking of things I've done during my life that have given me great pleasure: learning what I do best, meeting my wife, our animals, all animals, driving long haul semi tractor trailers, riding motorcycles, writing, being in my marriage, living in British Columbia, playing sports, watching sports, this blog, eating pizza, knowing who I am... good times all. Yes. Say, you ever think about the things in your life that have given you great pleasure?
 
July 24, 2016
Everybody always thinks that money will make things better. As if personality has nothing to do with it. Give a fool a lot of money and all you have is a fool with money. 
 
July 25, 2016
She thought both the government and technology were bad. She thought that as soon as you went online, the government would follow you to your grave and so she forbade any of her children from using computers, smartphones, even fax machines. The kids were home schooled, had no idea about social media or video games and were wholly unprepared for the modern world. As they reached the age of employment, they found they had limited opportunities in the workplace. The mother, satisfied that her children were digitally anonymous, felt she had done her job. This is not a win-win.
 
July 26, 2016
A group of people were shouting and arguing at another group of people who were shouting and arguing back. Between them was a demilitarized zone that kept them and their separate beliefs apart until one crazed woman couldn't stand it any longer and attacked a women from the other group. Suddenly they all merged and started fighting. Men and women were clubbing one another. Mob rule ruled. It was a testament to the power of beliefs.
 
July 27, 2016
For goodness sake, do what you want to do. You're going to do something, right? So you might as well do what you want to do. Because if you don't, you'll end up doing what someone else wants you to do, and frankly, that can be a can of worms.
 
July 28, 2016
He had risen from nothing to making 4 million dollars a year playing baseball. Burning through the money like it was on fire, he had a McMansion mortgaged to the hilt, two leased supercars in his driveway, and a hot girlfriend with expensive taste who loved to shop. Oh, and he bought his momma a new house too. After a few years in the big leagues, he got hit in the head with a 94 mph fastball and was out of the game forever. The money stopped, the girlfriend left and the supercars were repossessed. The bank informed him they were taking back the McMansion and suggested he find another place to live. He moved back in with his mother, but where there was once maternal pride at his having made it, there was now equal disgust at his loss of everything. Then they repossessed his mother's house. Beyong disgust, she abandoned him to go live with her sister. He was out on the street, exactly where he had started. And the last place he ever thought he'd be.
 
July 29, 2016
Speaking of sports, a sports agent advises his client not to sign with a certain team offering a decent contract as he's sure there will be much better offers to come. But that doesn't happen. No one else calls or returns the agent's calls. The player is effectively out of the game. He goes to Europe and plays for a team over there. He tears the league up. He wins MVP honors. He loves Europe. He loves the history and the food and the people. He meets his future wife there and in the end, realizes that losing out on that pro contract was actually the best thing that ever happened to him. He is standing in a public square in a medieval town when that dawns on him. "Huh," he remarks to no one in particular.
 
July 30, 2016
I'm standing in line behind a guy who has a tattoo on his left forearm that says, Don't Hate, and one on his right that says, Be Decent. Wow, those are behaviors. If you have to have messages of deportment tattooed on your arms, then that means you have to remind yourself to be this way, which means that it's a struggle for him. Maybe he just got out of prison where it was easy to hate and be indecent and now that he was out in the real world, needed constant reminders of how to act within it? Or, I suppose those could be the names of his cats.
 
July 31, 2016
If you search the world's religions and philosophies in an attempt to determine who you are and just what the hell is going on, but refuse to explore the inner you, you will not find what you're searching for. The answers are not outside yourself. Capish?
 

 
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