Which side of a dividing line you're on should make little difference to anybody but you,
because that line is an illusion drawn by your own ideas, not theirs.
June 2, 2014
An acquaintance from college wrote that he is going to be in my neck of the woods and could we get together. The thing is, I don't really remember him beyond his insecurities with women and an inability to talk to the opposite sex. So imagine my surprise when he told me that he is getting married - for the fourth time! - to a gal from a town near here. Hmm, if he is on his fourth marriage, I'm guessing he's still unable to have a meaningful conversation with a woman.
June 3, 2014
I saw a guy walking down the road dragging behind a pizza box on a string. When I went to take a picture, he became aggressive and asked me if I was trying to steal the soul of his pizza. When I assured him I wasn't, he growled, "Taking a picture of my pepperoni is not allowed! NOT ALLOWED!" Okaaaaaay...
June 4, 2014
I had a roommate once who had a twin brother who was certifiably crazy. The roommate was afraid he too would lose his marbles so he always tried to act super normal so no one would suspect the ship might be teetering. Anyway, one fine evening, the ship sank. This guy went off the mental rails and we ended up in a fist fight on the staircase like in some Hollywood movie. The irony was the really crazy brother stopped by during the fight and it was he who was able to calm down his insane twin and right the ship. So, to recap, one crazy twin brother calmed down the other crazy twin brother and I moved out the next day.
June 5, 2014
All over the world there are people celebrating their birthday today. What, you thought you were the only one?
I was really thirsty and spied a water fountain down the way. Just as I approached it, a kid ran to the fountain and put his entire mouth over the spigot. I mean the whole thing was inside his mouth. When done drinking, he ran off. I was left there looking at the water running through his spit before falling free of the faucet and wondered whether I was going to drink it.
June 8, 2014
I had a few minutes to spare so I made a list of things that I don't currently possess that might bring me pleasure should I acquire them. The first thing is a machine that would give me as much enjoyment to use it for what it was intended as just sitting there looking at it as a piece of art. One was a rebuild of a much loved object that has fallen into disrepair. Two were organizations that I would bestow cold hard cash upon and two more were items of luxury that would not be used a whole lot but super appreciated when they were. In the end it's a relatively small but robust list. But we're all different. We all want different things. What's on your list?
June 9, 2014
Somebody tried to pull a fast one but I pre-empted their move by a move of my own. Surprised, they got defensive, pissed, called me names, and in general acted like a tantruming five year old. Then, to make sure they understood they were dealing with a mastermind, I created a fake rival who attacked them from the other side and proceed to split their enmity. Fighting on two fronts exhausted their will and in the end they thought there was no way to win so they withdrew. Perfect.
He was coming. The unmistakable sound of footsteps on stairs. Who was he? What did he want? Was he coming for you? Was he coming for me? Oh the dread!
June 11, 2014
I password protected my virtual machine within a machine. This morning I went to open the virtual computer and the password didn't take. I got on the Interwebs to see if anyone else had this issue and it turned out that during a program update of the anti-virus software, it had reset my password to their own original default password. I tried all the obvious choices (password, default, admin, etc.) and nothing got me into the virtual computer. I finally got in touch with the anti-virus company and explained my problem (which was really their problem as they had reset the damn machine). After a frustrating number of calls and discussions they finally got back to me with the default password. It turns out to be the name of a developer's dog. I tried it and it worked. As soon as I got into the virtual computer I uninstalled their anti-virus software and replaced it with another package. Take that.
June 12, 2014
A while back I'm driving down the highway and pass a guy sitting on the side of the road next to his motorcycle. I stop, back up, and ask if there is anything wrong. He says he ran out of gas. I tell him to hop in and I'll take him to the closest gas station and then bring him back to his bike. But he is afraid to leave his ride on the side of the road. I can see why. It's an original custom bike by famed builder Billy Lane. It's too overdone for my tastes, but it is a damn pretty motorcycle. I notice that he has a California plate. I tell him to sit tight and I'll bring back the gas he needs. I'm actually closer to my house than a gas station so I grab a jerrycan of petrol from my barn and return to the guy 15 minutes later. By the time I get back, it's pouring rain and he looks miserable as he has on leathers and no rain gear. I tell him he can wait out the storm at my place if he's not in a hurry. Over a few beers and a couple of hours he tells me that he had always heard how nice Canadians were but had never had a personal experience. Aw. Two months later a biker magazine shows up in the mail. Inside is a story of an editor's solo ride through British Columbia. In it he mentions our encounter and how he was overwhelmed by my Canadian generosity. Aw.
June 13, 2014
You know this is fake because real Vikings would have never used the word please.
If you haven't examined who you are, or what you're doing in this life, why should anyone take what you have to say seriously? 'Know thyself' is more than an axiom of some ancient Greek philosopher, it is the basis for relating thought to action, it means you are vested in what you have to say and that your ideas and thoughts correlate with how you live your life. Otherwise, it's just blather from someone who hasn't examined what comes out of their mouth, and why should anyone who is sure about their life listen to smack talk from someone who isn't? Comments sections on the Internet, are you listening?
June 16, 2014
Saw a man walking the smallest dog I have ever seen. I asked him what breed it was and he said it was a mutt. I asked if it was full grown and he said the dog was seven years old. I asked him the dog's name and he said, Thor the Mighty. How lush!
June 17, 2014
Why are politicians put up as exemplary people when time and time again they display their tone deaf ignorance? All you have to do is look at the daily news to see what kind of shills and buffoons run the country. I mean really.
June 18, 2014
Overheard at the grocery store.
-- Mom, can I have this cereal?
-- Give me the box. Let me see what's in it. It's got chocolate in it. You can't have it.
-- Why not?
-- You're not supposed to eat chocolate for breakfast.
-- Then why do they make chocolate cereal?
-- Because there are stupid people in the world.
-- What would happen if I eat it?
-- You would get all hyper and run around like a crazy girl.
-- That sounds fun.
-- Not for me.
-- Well, can I have this one?
-- Let me see. Nope, the second ingredient is sugar. You can't have that either.
-- Well what cereal can I have?
-- Here, this one is just rolled oats.
-- Oats? I'm not a horse!
-- No, but you want to be healthy as a horse, don't you?
-- No, I want chocolate and sugar. I want chocolate and sugar!
-- No you don't.
-- Yes I do!
-- Well you're not getting it.
-- Then I hate you.
June 19, 2014
Mothers from all over the planet wrote in about yesterday's post (ok, not really, just Jean from Belfast). She said that if she were that kid's mother she "woulda smacked him a good one" and then she would have marched him to confession to put the fear of god into his disrespecting self. Then, just for spite, she would have not given him breakfast for a week and then, when she did allow him to eat, it would have been, "something disgusting like you get in prison, some slop that would teach the little creep to respect his mother and God." She finsihed with, "By the time I was done with him, the little bastard would never even THINK to ask for chocholate cereal again." Jeez, do they not have child protective services in Belfast?
Henry needed something heavy to hold the floor down. So there was Proust and Hesse, Badiou and Sartre, Joyce and Jung. He was constantly adding to his library of heavyweights in his ongoing struggle to keep the floor off the ceiling.
June 21, 2014
An author friend has been working on a book about the Middle East. When I asked him how it was coming, he told me it was finished. I congratulated him and asked about the publishing plans, but he got this worried look on his face and said that his book has many radical ideas about the Middle East and he is afraid it will inflame certain factions. He is afraid he will put himself or his family in jeopardy, so he's decided not to publish the book he just spent two years and countless hours writing, plus at least five trips to the Middle East out of his own pocket to do research. Oh, okay.
June 22, 2014
There is no way I'm going on the world's tallest roller coaster. Fortunately for me, it's in New Jersey, and I have no plans to visit New Jersey. Whew.
June 23, 2014
At a social thing there was a guy with a big gold chain around his neck. It was pretty gaudy and when someone made a comment about it, he just went off on them. He yelled that it was a talisman and not some street cred thing and why can't people be more open minded about stuff like men wearing jewelry and it would be great if they would stop stereotyping people while they're at it. And that's about the whole story of gold chain man.
June 24, 2014
I heard an artist speaking on the geometry of his art and knew exactly what he was talking about, and yet I was a poor math student in school. Euclidian, analytical or solid geometry were pretty much beyond me, algebra was even sillier, and yet I intuitively knew exactly what the artist meant by referring to the geometry of his work.
June 25, 2014
He went to pick up his date and noticed that she had a loose thread hanging from her sweater. He started to remove it but she flew into a rage at his inappropriate touching and was so sure his next step was forced non-consensual sex that she cancelled the date, marched upstairs to her computer and vented her outrage on Twitter. Her followers then wrote terrible stuff on his Twitter page, and when he tried to defend himself, the haters hated even more. It was all so horribly, terribly modern.
How incredible! I was at the game last night when a tear in the earth opened up between first and second base. As freaky as it was looking into the maw, the grounds crew covering it with a giant piece of duct tape was either ridiculous or genius, I can't decide.
June 27, 2014
I needed to know something so naturally I looked it up on the Net. I found a lot of first hand testimony, some well written reviews, some forum discussions and lastly, some great YouTube videos to see the whole process in action. The entire thing took me 35 minutes and by the time I was done I was well versed on something I knew absolutely nothing about 35 minutes before. Ah, technology.
June 28, 2014
In a documentary I watched an artist do something tedious for months on end and I got agitated just watching him do it while he himself went nearly mad with the endless detail and the need to be finished with it. So it was as much an uncomfortable viewing experience as it was a real life experience. I suppose in a way, that defines a good movie, to be able to make you feel what the artist felt, still, it was enough to drive us both mad. He finally finished it and sweet jesus the relief was palpable. But I will never watch that film again and he will never paint that picture again because of the interminable experiences we both had with it.
June 29, 2014
He looked like a bum. He said he was 74 and smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day. His voice was raspy and he smelled like tobacco and dirt. His teeth were so yellow they looked like wax teeth. I wouldn't have been surprised if he said he lived under a bridge, but none of that sustained my attention as I was busy calculating the financial cost of his habit. At $12/pack, that's 48 bucks a day, $336 a week, $1,344 a month, $16,128 per year. Where did this bum get 16 thousand bucks a year to blow on cigarettes? I mean really.
June 30, 2014
I was wondering what one word might make a comeback in some future generation; a word that has fallen out of favor with us but so perfectly fits some yet-to-be-zeitgeist that those in the hereafter will resurrect it, adopt it, and it will re-enter the vernacular to define yet another generation. Most likely that word is either groovy or hep cat, I can't decide which.