KeithSpeak - July 2014

 

 
 
 
July 1, 2014
Welcome to Keith Ryan Publishing's Dating Adventures!
 
 
Hello Ladies. My name is Jeff and I like cruisin' in my Chevy, just hanging at the wharf, looking at the kewl buildings, just making the scene with the top down, chillin' in my Chevy at the wharf. So if any of you ladies dig the waterfront and wanna ride shotgun, maybe you should be cruisin' with me, Jeff, the kewl guy in the Chevy at the wharf. Call me - Crestview 7-9013. (And as you can see, I'm pretty handy with Photoshop too!)
 
July 2, 2014
I am Benny. I see the world with a childlike innocence. Everything surprises me. I'm constantly on edge and wear people out. Can you be a stable influence in Benny's life? Benny would like that. Even though I'm shocked by almost everything in this world, Benny is also shy and stressed out. I wear a beret because of flop sweat. Are you the woman to get Benny to relax a little? God, if so - Orchard 7-3387.
 
July 3, 2014
I know we're supposed to use our own photo but I want you to imagine me as Steve McQueen, even if I don't look like him in real life. Hi, my name is Barry (but you could call me Steve and I would respond to it just like it was my real name). I guess you could say I worship the god that was Steve McQueen. I even tried to have plastic surgery to look more like him, but the surgeon said that there wasn't enough "base material" to work with, whatever that means!, and that it couldn't be done, whatever! Anyway, Steve would have a girlfriend, so I need one too. If you want to be Ali McGraw to my Steve McQueen (even though I don't look like him in real life), call me, Barry, Parkview 3-8002.
 
July 4, 2014
I'm Mr. Skeptical. I don't believe anything or anybody. No offense. You want to try and change my mind? You think you are good enough to overcome my skepticism? Go on, give it a try. I doubt you will. Templeton 4- 2790.
 
 
How come there ain't any mature black women on this dating site? Well I'm infiltrating y'all, so get used to it. Name's Elmira. I'm a good woman and looking for some loving. Yes, it's that simple. Call me - United 6-0337.
 
July 5, 2014
To whomever is running this dating site, the quality of your submissions are a direct reflection on the crappiness of your site. You can call me Darlene, but if you look like any of the creeps above, don't bother calling me. Damn, where are all the handsome, creamy men that I'm looking for? Baby, you out there somewhere? Baldwin 5-5371.
 
July 7, 2014
News flash. The Canadian government has shut down Keith Ryan Publishing's Dating Adventures. I am at a loss for words.
 
July 8, 2014
So someone makes a product that you are just crazy about and you gush to your friends of your ardor for its brilliance when they inform you that the company is nefarious, notorious and infamous from the CEO on down. Do you abide by their sense of outrage and stop using the product immediately, or do you not care about the company's poor reputation and near criminal intent because the product means that much to you? And this decision, what will it say about you?
 
July 9, 2014
Some reviewer said I was whimsical and at first I was like, What?, but then I looked it up in the dictionary:
 
1.)  erratic in behavior or degree of unpredictability
2.)  spontaneously fanciful or playful
3.)  given to whims; capricious
4.)  quaint, unusual, or fantastic
 
Well I'll be, I am whimsical.
 
July 10, 2014
I got a call to head write for a cartoon series. Like everyone else, I've seen the odd Simpsons, but I sure don't watch cartoons frequently and I have no idea what the structure for a cartoon series might be. But the producer kept insisting I was the perfect guy because my sense of humour was exactly what they were looking for and my writing voice would be spot on for the main character. But I just couldn't do it. I have no interest in animation and no desire to learn about it. Still, it was nice to be asked. Annnnnd that was enough for me.
 
July 11, 2014
-- Rochelle, if you won't marry me I'll jump in the ocean and kill myself from the fall or drown because I never learned to swim, but either way I'll be dead and it will be all your fault.
-- Look, Denny, I've only known you for a couple of hours and I'm beginning to think you're unstable.
-- Yeah, I'm crazy for you.
-- Regardless, I will not marry you, so go ahead, jump, see if I care.
-- Oh, you'll care all right, when I'm dead.
-- Will I? Well go on then, let's see.
-- Don't tempt me, Rochelle, 'cause I'll do it. Don't think I won't.
-- You know, this isn't funny anymore. A couple of hours ago, you were a fun guy I met at the beach. Now you're turning into this-
-- Goodbye Rochelle.
-- Denny!
 
July 12, 2014
I heard a woman call her husband a tool. I saw a big kid bullying his two younger brothers, a loose dog without an owner, and a fish pond with dead fish in it. I was in a dying mall. Half the storefronts were empty, the few people around were not some of humanity's best and brightest, the trash cans were overflowing and the lighting was turned down low to save electricity I suppose, but instead gave a dramatic deadly glow to the decay. It was a seriously depressing place. I was the only bright light in that building. Was too.
 
July 14, 2014
Just what do you think you're doing here? Have you given much thought to the nature of reality and your role in it? Do you think life is happening to you or do you believe that you are creating every moment of your life? Because how you think of these things is who you are. And who you are is a consciousness that will express itself in any way that you choose. And how do you choose what happens to you? You think about it. You imbue the energy of those thoughts with the intent to make it happen and the belief that you can bring it about. Otherwise, you'd never get what you want.
 
July 15, 2014
This was cool for me. For the past month I have been thinking about the motorcycle I'd like. Yesterday, a friend called to tell me that he'd had a dream with me in it, and that we were riding our motorcycles on a road trip. When I asked him to describe the bike I was on, it turned out to be the exact bike I have been focusing upon. I got all warm and tingly. If that dream turns out to be precognitive, I'll surely swoon.
 
July 16, 2014
Overheard at the vets.
-- What is your dog's name?
-- K-i-l-l-e-r. But don't say it!
-- What? Why are you spelling it out?
-- Because if I say the word he will go into attack mode. K-i-l-l-e-r is a retired service dog from Iraq and he is trained to react on certain words. Unfortunately, his name is one of those words.
-- Well what do you call him?
-- K-i-l-l-e-r. If you say it real fast it's not too bad.
-- Well he looks like a nice dog.
-- He is, unless you say his name.
 
July 17, 2014
How can I kill thee? Let me count the ways.
 
July 18, 2014
While on the subject of killing I think it prudent to mention that you do go on, you know, after you're dead. Your body stays here of course, but the personality that is you and the consciousness that creates that, do go on. So even though dying or being killed seems like something you'd like to avoid, you can rest assured that when it does happen, you will still find yourself alive, just somewhere else - a place you've been thousands of times. Every night, you're in the same place you'll go when you're dead. It's where your dreams take place. Yes, you'll be alive in dreamland. Neat, eh.
 
July 19, 2014
Because I won't come out to play, my friends have been less than happy about my latest television sports binge. It started in June with the Stanley Cup Finals, NBA Finals, then the World Cup which overlapped with Wimbledon, then the Tour de France, which is still on, the British Open, which is still on, MLB All Star Game and second half of the baseball season, the soon to be start of NFL camps... Ok, maybe they have a point.
 
July 20, 2014
I read this piece about a celebrity who had gone to a suppressive regime and sung and danced her little butt off for a strongman and his minions and was something she thought was on the down low until she was spotted in the airport by a foreign journalist who broke the story. She caught hell for her indiscretion and apologized in public like a million times but everyone still associates her with that incident. Question: Suppose you were an entertainer and you got an invitation to entertain a dictator and his yes men in a private party at the illegal regime's palace in another country and no one would ever know and you could make a fortune for one night's work, would you do it? Funny, that's what she thought too.
 
July 21, 2014
tim
Trevor and Clive were burned out from their road trip. Literally.
Trevor was driving, Clive was sleeping, both were smoking cigarettes.
It was the armrest Clive was using as a pillow that caught fire first, when the cigarette dangling from his open mouth came to rest against the plastic and foam headrest, igniting a time bomb of toxic materials.
The rest of the old car went up pretty quickly, burning and melting everything in it except for Trevor and Clive.
When asked, both of them said they would do it again, if they had a car, and they could get over their fear of burning alive in it.
 
July 22, 2014
Was at the pub with a friend when the friend's ex came in. She walked straight over to him, said something I didn't catch, and then slapped him across the face. He just smiled. After she marched out of the pub I asked my buddy what that was all about. He told me that he had slept with her sister and his ex had just found out. Then he smiled again and said, "She has two more sisters. By the time I'm done, she'll probably walk in and shoot me." Yeesh. Life lesson for today: enmity knows no bounds.
 
July 23, 2014
If you were with someone who said, Man, my ear itches, then watched him pick up a twig and poke around in his ear to scratch the itch, would you tell him that what he's doing is dangerous, that he could puncture his ear drum, that he could damage his ear beyond repair? Or would you say nothing and watch in amazement as someone else does something you would never in a million years do. 
 
July 24, 2014
A famous Hollywood actress came to the website and contacted me. After reading the site "cover to cover" she thought "the whole affair fabulous" and that I was "a darling" and that my content was "super delicious and important". Hey, thanks babe, ciao.
 
July 25, 2014
Yeah, at no point in my history did I ever say to myself, I'm going to be a man in life with a beard. Yet, I've had one since my freshman year in college and save for one drunken night in Oregon when I shaved it off to see who was under there after all those years, have never been without it. Sure it covers half my face, but doesn't that say Beware! Man of mystery! Who's behind that beard? What's he hiding? No? All right, at one point in my history I did say to myself, Wouldn't it be great not to have to shave every day? And there you have it. 
 
July 26, 2014
But Dr. Freud, my dream had two tunnels. What ever could it mean?
 
July 27, 2014
A grandmother, a spiritual woman, a lady not too near the end of her life wants to leave a financial legacy for her daughter raising a specials needs child on her own. She takes the Greyhound to Las Vegas and bets everything she has at the craps table. The thing is, she knows absolutely nothing about the game. She doesn't know how to play it, what the numbers mean, what the bets are or even how you win the game. But she has always had a weird affinity for complex things she doesn't understand. She surrenders her ability to make an intellectual, rational, physically informed choice about it and instead gives way to her inner feelings and intuitions on how she should proceed. He inner self tells her to put it all on Any Craps. A 3 is rolled. She's won a payout of 7:1. She takes the Greyhound back, gives the money to her daughter and a week later dies in her sleep.
 
July 28, 2014
Sandwiched between two parked cars was a small kitten. It was clearly frightened and lost. A large man with his young daughter passed by and stopped to look at it. The little girl picked up the kitten and turned to her father. "Daddy, it's shaking. Can I keep it?" He looked pained and then said, "No, honey, put it down." Still holding the cat the girl said, "Daddy, what if it was me who was lost and scared?" The big guy melted. He shook his head ok and the three of them walked off.
 
July 29, 2014
I have a deadline on something that I keep putting off because of the work involved. It isn't that I can't do the work, it's that I have to go back into some highly emotional material that was written a long time ago, rediscover and inhabit the headspace that produced it back then, do the rewrites and make my deadline. Putting myself in that charged emotional space is what I have been avoiding. You know how just before you dive underwater you take a big gulp of air? That's where I am now.
 
July 30, 2014
Self-publishing for me is exactly that - publishing for myself. I want to have complete control over all my artistic and commercial endeavors. That to me is the only and best reason for doing it. With self-publishing you get raw talent uncorrupted by the opinion and judgements of others. Now obviously, that can be smashingly good or terribly terribly bad. The result of which is you'll either have a public or you won't.
 

 
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