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KeithSpeak - January 2024


January 1, 2024
Julie R. was the dentist to the stars. She had been in the mouths of some of the most famous people in the world. At swanky dental parties she would quip, "I've capped more people than Bugsy Siegel." She knew their secrets too. Under anaesthesia they would often spill the beans on their fellow celebrities. But Julie had secrets too. When one particularly handsome, well known actor showed up and she put him under, with him all helpless and stretched out on the chair, his handsome eyes closed, she couldn't help herself, she fondled the mega star. She had a moment of panic when she couldn't get his zipper back up, but that just added to the thrill and danger of it all. Hooked, this practice continued to grow with her dental practice. When she finally got caught, the jury sided with the beautiful people and Julie R. spent her remaining days doing jail house dentistry. At prison parties she still quipped, "I've capped more people than Bugsy Siegel," only here it meant something different.
January 2, 2024
Because everybody on Earth is at their own developmental stage, this explains both morons and geniuses. But, uh, how come there seem to be a lot more morons than geniuses. What's up with that?
January 3, 2024
I was skating around the arena just floating with my thoughts when near me an older couple tried some fancy footwork thing, tripped, fell over each other and a distinctive crack could be heard. Someone broke something but they were crying and making such a fuss that I had to call off my relaxing free skate because their wailing was just too distracting. A bunch of people rushed over to help them but not one person came and apologized for ruining my morning. Callous bastards! Sure, with the stretcher and paramedics the sobbing quieted, but my meditative time on the ice had passed. Look, I'm no Nostradamus, but it was plain to see - break something and it's all about you. Although I did make a mental note to never try that fancy footwork thing.
January 4, 2024
-- I think you're wrong, Frank. My god, look how far it is!
-- No, I've given this a lot of thought.
-- Frank, it's a suicide mission.
-- I can do it, Reggie. I know I can.
-- Just go here. Behind the bench. It's discrete enough.
-- No, I have to try.
-- Frank, I'm telling you, if you can even make it across the square - and that's no given - and then manage to enter the building, the damn water closet is on the third floor. Stairs, Frank! You'll never make it.
-- I have to.
-- I got my camera to document it.
-- Just let me gather my thoughts for a second.
-- Isn't this pressing? Don't you have to GO?
-- You're right. I'm stalling. Listen, Reggie, if I fail in my mission and end up dropping drawers in the middle of the square here, promise me you'll delete the pictures.
-- I've known you for what, 65 years? You're a fighter, Frank. Fight your way to that toilet. Sorry, can't promise you on the pics.
-- Wish me luck, Reg.
-- God speed, Frankie.
January 5, 2024
Overheard two men at a hockey game.
-- So I said to her, Don't play me for a sucker, Charlotte.
-- What did she say?
-- She denied that she was doing that.
-- Did you believe her?
-- Hard to say.
-- What happened next?
-- Nothing. We acted as if nothing happened.
-- Wow, that's some story, Trevor.
-- I don't like telling tales out of school, Mikey, but there you have it.
-- Like I said, some story.
-- All right, there's more.
-- More?
-- At the end she offered to shake my hand like we were a couple of businessmen agreeing on a deal.
-- Wow.
-- But I didn't agree to anything. We just stopped talking about it. How is that an agreement?
-- I don't think it is.
-- That's what I thought.
-- What did you do?
-- I didn't want to shake her hand. I didn't.
-- I'll bet.
-- It was at this moment when I really wondered if I was being played for a sucker. You know, I shake on it and suddenly it's a done deal.
-- Well did you?
-- What?
-- Shake her hand?
-- Yeah.
-- Trevor!
-- After we shook she smiled that crooked smile and I knew I had been played.
-- Wow.
-- I know.
-- Women.
-- Women.
January 6, 2024
It was supposed to be a medium but they sent a small. We sent it back requesting a size exchange. Instead, they refunded the purchase price. So we ordered another one in medium and again, we were sent a small. This time we did request a refund but instead, they sent us another small. Because the manufacturer is in China, there is no way to contact them, so we decided to eat the cost as it was less frustrating than dealing with this company. For the next two weeks we received 3 more, all smalls. Is this any way to run a business?
January 7, 2024
Do you see yourself running through life or taking a leisurely stroll? Do you stop and smell the roses or run by them so fast you don't even know they're there? Are you often frantic, stressed and running to catch up, or not at all? These are two completely different ways to live a life. Both are valid and genuine; the same but different. The key is to recognize how you're currently living your life. To do that you need to examine what you're doing. That will allow you to keep on keeping on or change it. Capish?
January 8, 2024
I've known someone famous all my life. As a kid I was able to see both sides of fandom. For the fan it's always exciting to meet someone famous; for the person being fanned on, it can be anything from fun to a chore to just part of the job. A real issue for the famous person is it can happen at any time in any situation because everyone stares at them and they never know when someone will recognize them and engage. So, after watching this dynamic all my life, I see no good reason to be famous. It is an imposition, and if your ego isn't fragile enough to need the attention, it is generally a nuisance. For the fan, it's awesome every time; for the famous, uh, not so much.
January 10, 2024
Finally, winter! We got a foot of snow yesterday. After plowing and shovelling I got to go play on the new snowmobile. Oh la la, can't tell you how much fun that was. Yes I can. It was lots of fun! If your day has gone half as well as mine, you're in the pink.
January 11, 2024
OMG, the worst outdoor rock festival yet! The headliners, a tribute Green Day band, took one look at the venue and said, There's no green anywhere! and they cancelled, vowing they weren't going to besmirch Green Day's good name by playing in a brown desert. Then Vanilla Ice backed out when he realized the dry desert would be an unfit place in which to rap his greatest hit, Ice Ice Baby, so he bailed along with an Elvis hologram that wouldn't work in the searing desert heat because his motherboard would overheat, Elvis would slow down, and what came out sounded a lot like a drunk Andy Williams. It was touted as being bigger and better than Frye Fest, but it turned out to be a water truck, some yellow containers and 40 degree heat for 3 scorching days. The music was supplied by an out of work plumber turned DJ from the Netherlands who played nothing but electronica that no one wanted to hear. Is this the nail in the coffin for future outdoor rock festivals in East Africa?
January 12, 2024
Saw a guy downtown wearing a New York Giants football helmet with a car antenna attached on the top. He would walk to one spot, stop, shake his head so the antenna would wave about, then act as if the signal there was no good, move up half a city block and repeat. He looked normal enough, but the jazzed up helmet and wonky behaviour belied that. What's the frequency, Kenneth?
January 13, 2024
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Politics in America
Flunkies, punks and losers
Is this any way to run a country
January 14, 2024
I wrote a note to myself as a reminder of an upcoming date. The note got lost, the appointment was missed. I rescheduled, wrote myself another note and once again misplaced the reminder and missed the 2nd appointment. Hmm, seems to me that missing out twice is a message that maybe I don't want to do something I said I would do. You think?
January 15, 2024
Overheard two kids at a donut shop.
-- Are you going to Janey's party?
-- What party?
-- Janey's birthday party on Saturday.
-- Nobody said anything to me about it.
-- She didn't invite you? She invited the whole class.
-- When was that?
-- Remember when you threw the eraser at Mr. Carney and he sent you to Principal Garner's office?
-- Yeah.
-- It was then.
-- So I wasn't even there.
-- Maybe she waited until you were gone to invite everyone except you. You got something against Janey?
-- No.
-- Are you going to go?
-- I didn't get invited, Carl.
-- You're gonna miss it. She's got a DJ too. Some guy from the Netherlands. Supposedly he just got done playing some big rock festival somewhere. It's gonna be the party of the year.
-- I didn't get invited, Carl.
-- Crash it.
-- What if she really didn't want me there. That would be embarrassing.
-- Yeah, I guess.
-- The only way to know her true intentions are to ask her and I'm not going to put her on the spot like that. I like Janey too much.
-- Oh my god, that's why she didn't invite you!
-- What?
-- You like her but she doesn't like you!
-- I didn't say that.
-- It's obvious!
-- Whatever.
January 16, 2024
You see all these companies ordering their employees back to work in the office and many of them saying no. First off, there is nothing like using your own bathroom, noshing your own food and being with your pets all day as you work from home. Toss in no commute and no need to dress up and you have a formidable defense against returning to a cubicle. But the emotional gift of being with one's pets all day is the most difficult challenge for corporate to overcome. The pets and their humans are now used to this comfortable arrangement so that many see going back to the office as an abandonment of their animals. So why don't employers let remote workers bring their pets into the office and use that as incentive to get them back? Duh.
January 17, 2024
My wife got a notice from a national company that they had been hacked and her banking information was compromised. It affected my wife and a couple hundred thousand other customers. But within a couple days of the hack, my wife noticed bogus charges on her credit card. So how did they happen to pick her out of hundreds of thousands of others? That card was due to expire this month. So the hackers needed to use it before the data was no good. So somebody parsed that list for expiring cards. My wife's credit card was cancelled, the charges reversed and she was issued a new one. But there are still a couple of hundred thousand others out there at risk... Such modern times.
January 18, 2024
Got up at 5AM. Did a whole bunch of stuff. Got a great start to my day. The sun isn't even up yet. The rest of the world is still asleep. Look at me, puff puff. Everything has worked out great except for the getting up at 5AM part. That was brutal.
January 19, 2024
He was a first time director on a 60 million dollar movie and clearly in over his head. He kept asking the cinematographer if he thought this was ok and that was all right. He double checked with the AD after every shot. He needed a second opinion before he felt confident enough to do pretty much anything. The actors were beyond frustrated as the director kept changing the tone of the movie without realizing he was doing so. When everyone started watching the dailies it was obvious the movie was in trouble. Cutting their losses, the studio fired the director and shut down the set. Movie making is a collaborative art, and if everything doesn't work together, it usually doesn't work. Hey, could this be a contributing factor as to why so many crappy movies get made? Duh.
January 22, 2024
A friend worked for two weeks as a telecom customer service rep. Apparently, it was 8 hours of being yelled at, called insulting names and being a punching bag for the company. In addition to the verbal abuse, he was expected to up sell the customer whenever possible. He hated everything about the job, and when he started bringing home his bad attitude and relentless unhappiness, his wife encouraged him to quit. He now installs drywall and hates it. His wife was mum this time. They need the money.
January 23, 2024
Overheard two men at a pharmacy.
-- What brand did she say to get?
-- I can't remember.
-- Well call her.
-- No, because when I left she told me to write it down because I'll forget. And I said, I won't forget.
-- But you forgot.
-- Yeah.
-- Now what?
-- I'm going to tell her they're out of her first choice and what would be her second choice.
-- That's good.
He calls home.
-- Honey, they're out of what you wanted. What's your next choice?
-- You forgot, didn't you, John.
-- What makes you say that?
-- There is no second choice, John. Go to another pharmacy and get me what I want. Bye.
He puts the phone back in his pocket.
-- Well, what did she say?
-- She told me to get screwed.
-- Ooh, that's too bad.
-- It's called marriage, Cody. Sometimes it be like this.
-- What if you just bought her one of everything, that way you're bound to get one right.
-- Yeah, Cody, I'm made out of money.
-- What are you gonna do?
-- Go home and get bitched at before she really tells me what she wants and I write it down and come back to this very store and buy it.
-- Wow.
-- Yeah. It's called a marriage, Cody.
-- Wow.
January 24, 2024
His 16 year old daughter was talking on the phone while driving, got in an accident that was completely her fault and even though she was unhurt, it totalled the family sedan. It was their only car. The father had no way to get to work. The mother had no way to get to work. Her brother couldn't get to football practice. No one could go to the grocery store, the doctor's or even to visit friends across town. No one in the family wanted to blame the 16 year old girl and everyone in the family wanted to blame the 16 year old girl. Ah, the vicissitudes of life, making family memories.
January 26, 2024
She was beyond beautiful. Her face was so perfect that in the right light she almost looked like an AI creation. We sat down to have lunch. I was interviewing her for a feature on beautiful people and their issues.
-- Is being beautiful a hindrance?
-- Absolutely. Everyone stares at me. I'm always on display whether I like it or not.
-- So you know what movie stars feel like in public.
-- Exactly. I'm not famous but I am striking and the reaction is the same. Do you have any idea what it's like to be stared at by everyone?
-- No.
-- It's a zoo without bars. It's relentless and kinda freaky.
-- Were you a cute kid?
-- Very.
-- That could have gone to your head.
-- You know what I do to keep my ego in check?
-- What.
-- Well, I'm not a model, I don't have an agent, I have no desire to be an actress. I do not trade off my looks for income or to make my living. All of this keeps my ego in check because inside, I know I'm just a "normal" person in pretty wrapping.  
-- Are you married?
-- Are you kidding? I can't even get a date.
-- Really?
-- Men are intimidated by my looks and women are not comfortable around me.
-- Why wait to be asked out? Men are suckers for beautiful, forward women.
-- That's not me. I'm really shy. Plus there's the bimbo trope.
-- That pretty girls aren't smart?
-- Yeah, I feel like I have to impress people with my brains and at least balance out the looks thing. That also seems to intimidate men.
-- What are some advantages to smashing looks?
-- If you're into that sort of thing, you can get a lot of free stuff. People just seem to want to give me things. It's weird. But I have the same issues as anybody else. I have to pay rent, keep a job-
-- Keep a job?
-- Sooner or later, the boss or the owner comes onto me. It's never not happened. When it does, I just quit and move onto something else.
-- Is it easy for you to get a job?
-- Depends. If the guys there fancy you, yes, but the inevitable sexual advances come. If they don't care what you look like, wait, that's never happened.
-- Give me an instance where your looks worked against you.
-- Well, besides the bimbo assumption, it's almost impossible to make women friends.
-- What, are they intimidated, feel inferior, what?
-- No, it's that unwittingly I end up taking all the attention so that they get marginalized. No one wants to be second fiddle to anybody.
-- So do you think your life is any easier due to your features?
-- In some ways, sure. But like I said, there are many drawbacks as well. Honestly, I don't think I have it any easier or harder than anyone else. No matter who you are, we all work with what we have. For me, this means my looks are both my cross and my salvation. But it's the same for everybody. We all have our pluses and minuses.
We spoke for another hour, but in the end, it still came down to pluses and minuses.
January 27, 2024
She has not seen any of the Spiderman movies because she is afraid of spiders. Does that make sense?
He never spends over $100 anywhere because he read that the government can track you if you spend more than a hundred at any one place, so 99 bucks is his limit. Does that make sense?
Karen and Chad are part of a desperate group that believes in pizza parlour pedophiles. Organized pizza parlour pedophiles. Does that make any sense?
There are worldwide religions based on some made up cartoon dude sitting on some fucking cloud. Does that make sense?
Why does everyone think that money is why we're here?
Why do we believe the shit we believe?
January 28, 2024
The birthday party was going great. Hot tempered Marna got all the presents she wanted (thank goodness!) and all her friends and school chums breathed a sigh of relief because of it. Her Mom had baked a birthday cake that she was just bringing out. Marna had requested her favorite, a peanut butter cake, but when her mother showed up with an angel food cake, Marna blew up.
-- This is NOT what I asked for!
-- I know honey.
-- Where is my peanut butter cake?! Where is it?! Well?
It was at this point that her browbeaten mother just couldn't deal with any more of Marna's wrath and decided to throw little Carl under the bus instead.
-- It's because of him, Carl Todman. He's allergic to peanuts!
Everyone gasped.
-- He's the one that ruined your peanut butter cake, not me.
-- Oh really? So Carl, what happens if you eat peanuts?
-- I will die, Marna.
-- Well doesn't that beat all. Little Carl ruins my birthday party because he could die. Well I want him gone and I want my peanut butter cake.
-- But that would take hours to make.
-- Then you better get going, and take this TOTALLY UNFIT BIRTHDAY CAKE with you!
She picked up the angel food cake and threw it at her mother.
Everyone gasped.  
-- And get Carl a ride home.
-- Be nice, Marna.
-- Shut up and get in the kitchen!
All the kids were in shock. They had never seen a child talk to an adult that way.
-- You're a bully, Marna.
-- You shut up, Carl. Why is he still here?! Why is nobody doing what I tell them to do?! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, GODDAMNIT!
January 29, 2024
In a harsh and often unforgiving world there are few things better than the unconditional love of a pet.
January 30, 2024
He was hungry and picking through a dumpster when he found an unsigned lottery ticket. He stared at it. Either fortune or disappointment await. It was all he could hope for in a piece of paper.
January 31, 2024
So this thing happened and at first I was, Wha?, but then I saw the reasoning behind it and I was impressed. But still, it was shocking. It was outlandish thinking outside the box and was the very definition of outré. Unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to tell you what it was I saw and you didn't, but suffice it to say you've never seen anything like it and never will. Funny, you can't see it and I can't unsee it. What a crazy world, huh?

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